Family Guy s17e03 Episode Script

Pal Stewie

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (DRONE BUZZING) At last, I shall exact my vengeance and snuff out the miserable flame that has been your life, vile woman.
Growing one carrot Taking up time Filling up the day with nonsense Vodka in the bushes (HUMMING) Making it better, making it bright What a day Think I'll check the mail.
Time to put you out of your misery.
What the deuce? Sorry I broke your toy.
Toy? This is a drone.
Grown men who have never had sexual relations fly them over people's houses to try and see something.
I don't know.
Here, want to play with my toy? - What the hell is this? - It's a magic wand.
Watch.
Alakazam! I cast the tickle spell.
(BOTH GIGGLE) Okay, okay, you got me.
But seriously, cross me again, and I will end you.
You're funny.
My name's Hudson.
Want to play "spin in a circle"? I'm Stewie.
Yeah, I don't think I What the? Stop it! I'm losing track of my surroundings.
Hey, this is kind of fun.
Whee! Yes.
Whee.
Whee! (BOTH LAUGH) (LAUGHING): Oh, my.
Oh, my.
WOMAN: Hudson, time to go.
I got to go home now.
I'm glad I met you, Stewie.
You're neat.
Bye.
Bye, Hudson.
I like him.
He's more fun than an Eddie Murphy bed.
And check this out.
(LAUGHS LIKE EDDIE MURPHY) That's cool.
Is it a queen? Not sure, but people have said it is.
Wait a minute.
This is a self-empowerment seminar.
You lied to me.
You said we were going to Baskin-Robbins.
I said we were going to bask in Robbins' glow.
You know what you did.
I do.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Tony Robbins.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How the (BLEEP) is everyone? MAN: Ooh, he swore.
I trust this guy.
All of you here are capable of greatness.
MAN 2: Yay! But some will never achieve it.
MAN 2: Oh, no! You, sir.
Come out here.
Sheesh, your head is the size of a picnic watermelon.
Ha! I've been told that.
And you sound like you were lost at sea and told not to drink seawater but drank seawater.
Peter, will you just listen to him? Tony, this is why I brought him.
He's never willing to actually confront his issues.
Sounds like you have no self-esteem.
I don't deserve self-esteem.
Peter, I was once a lot like you: unmotivated, dangerously obese, always relying on cutaways You know, that reminds me of the time No, Peter.
No more cutaways.
- Stay in the present.
- Okay.
Okay.
Now tell me what you feel.
Uh, a partial erection.
I don't get touched very often.
You know you deserve a better life, right, Peter? Yes.
Getting hard to breathe in here.
I want to give you that life, Peter.
Time to seize your personal power.
(GASPING) Yeah, by getting away from you, you weirdo.
But first, here's that cutaway I was gonna do before you made me skip it.
Only now it'll make no sense.
"Cast of Parks and Rec Peter" away! I can't believe you dragged me to that fraud.
That man has nothing to offer me.
(SCREAMS) (THUNDER RUMBLES) Tony Robbins.
Listen, I don't have long.
If I get soaked in the rain, I'll be too heavy to move.
Peter, I've seen thousands of people over the years and helped every single one of them.
I'm not going to let you be my first failure.
I told you, I don't want your help.
(WHEELS SPINNING) Peter, I swear, I won't stop trying to help you no matter what.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) (TONY SCREAMS) (TIRES SQUEAL) Oh, my God! Peter, stop the car! I think he got struck by lightning.
(TIRES SCREECH) Wait, w-where is he? He's gone.
This is freaking me out.
Are are you carrying a flask now? This is about you getting better, not me.
(EXHALES) Hey, there's Hudson.
(LAUGHS) Stewie, you're, like, 100 times more advanced than that kid.
Why do you want to hang out with him so badly? He's just, like, a cool guy.
Hi, Stewie.
I'm putting sand on a cat poo.
Cool! (SIGHS) I like you, Stewie.
Can I come over for a playdate? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Brian, can Hudson come over for a playdate? Sure, I guess so.
Never heard you ask for a playdate before.
I know, but there's a first time for everything.
Like when I finally built the Leaning Tower of Pisa out of LEGOS.
I did it! Mom! Come look! Mom! LOIS: Yeah, be right there, Stewie.
Where's the bush vodka? (LEAVES RUSTLING) Where is it? Where is it?! Ah, there it is.
Hi, Stewbie.
You playing with your kitty cat? Ah, the privacy of all glass around me.
Finally, I can pick my nose.
TONY (THROUGH CAR): Hey, Peter, next time use a tissue.
- Who said that? - It's me.
Tony Robbins.
Tony Robbins? That's impossible.
You're dead.
TONY: That may be true, but the lightning bolt that killed me seems to have magically transferred my personal power Trademark into your car.
Peter, I told you I was going to help you, and I'm not leaving until I make good on my promise.
Suit yourself.
Hey, if you're dead, can you ask Bill Paxton if he's the same as Bill Pullman? Sure.
Hang on.
He said no, but he winked.
Ah! Hey, Stewie, let's play cops and robbers.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Got you.
(CHUCKLES) Gun? Oh, that's-that's not that's not a gun.
These are guns.
You're welcome, Paul Hogan.
Any time someone says a weapon is not what it is, Paul Hogan gets a royalty.
Royalty check, Mr.
Hogan.
PAUL HOGAN: Thanks, Jumpy.
Whoa! What are all these for? Oh, the yoozh: destroying enemies, world domination.
Oh, and killing my mother.
You want to hurt your mommy? LOIS: Stewie? Blast! Here she comes.
Well, look at the handsome little boys.
Come downstairs.
I made your favorites: grilled cheese cut to look like a dinosaur.
Ugh.
They never look like a dinosaur.
- Your mom seems nice.
- She's a slag.
Well, I hope you don't use your guns to kill your mom or do anything bad.
'Cause if you do, I won't be able to play with you, and that's my favorite thing now.
It is? - Uh-huh.
- Mine, too.
You know what? I'm going to let her live.
I must say, I've been evil so long, I've forgotten what it's like to be kind.
And it's all because of our friendship, Hudson.
- You really mean that? - You bet I do.
And I always tell it like it is, like when I used to write tombstones.
Complained a lot is what she did.
Stewie, what are you doing? Having a funeral, Bri.
Say good-bye to Evil Stewie.
CHRIS: Did we get a pool? Is this a pool? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Stewie, slow down, slow down.
What happened? We went to the zoo.
We saw an ape.
At first we didn't think we'd see him 'cause he was, like, hiding back in his house.
But then he came out.
We saw him! We saw the ape! He was big.
And then and then and then And then and then and then Okay, I get it.
You had fun.
Wait, you're not mad I went without you, are you? No, no, I-I was only going for you.
And maybe to taunt the animals that aren't able to leave.
Which is all of them.
Losers.
All right, you have to take us to lunch, but first we need to take our nap.
Here's your triple bacon burger and your onion rings.
Ah, crap.
There's only nine pieces of bacon.
I paid for 12.
But I don't wanna make a fuss.
TONY (THROUGH CAR): Peter, listen to yourself.
No one will respect you until you respect yourself first.
Yeah.
But I'm a nobody.
You're not a nobody.
Your meal is just as important as anyone else.
You're right.
I'm not a nobody.
TONY: Say it again.
I'm not a nobody! TONY: That's the spirit, Peter.
Now yell at that nobody in the window.
You there! I demand more bacon.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Here's more bacon.
That's not more bacon This is more bacon! Big day, Mr.
Hogan.
PAUL HOGAN: Keeping coming, Jumpy! Here's your Star Wars kids' meal.
Which action figures did we get? I got Kylo Ren.
I got the role during the two months I was a hot actor, and now they're stuck with me.
I got Forest Whitaker.
Even as a toy you can't tell where he's looking.
I wish I had the poorly-cast Kylo Ren.
Here, Stewie.
You can have mine.
You're giving me the better one? Why would you do that? Because you're my friend.
Yes.
You're my friend.
You're my best friend.
Let's choke on these together.
(BOTH GAGGING, CHOKING) (BOTH PANTING) That was fun.
Let's switch.
(BOTH GAGGING, CHOKING) Okay, guys.
Time to play "parachute.
" Grab an end and lift.
You know who loves "parachute"? My best friend, Hudson.
- You know Hudson? - I know Hudson, too.
Are you going to his birthday party tomorrow? I'm autistic.
TEACHER: And lift.
Birthday party? Yeah, it's at the Family Fun Zone.
Everyone was invited.
I take up a great deal of the teacher's time.
- Where's the mail? - On the table.
What's going on? You seem upset.
Oh, you're a you're a real student of the human condition, aren't you? Yet, somehow, it escapes your writing.
Whoa! Why are you attacking me? (SIGHS) I'm sorry, Brian.
Everyone but me got an invite to Hudson's birthday.
I know why this happened.
I called him my best friend too quickly.
Well, maybe it wasn't meant to be.
But, hey, I'm-I'm still your friend.
(AS CLINT EASTWOOD): Yeah, but Hudson isn't.
And that's just something I have to live with.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) Stewie, it's 2:00 a.
m.
Revenge doesn't sleep.
Come on.
Come back to bed.
No.
There's something I gotta do.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Hey.
Shut your (BLEEP) mouth.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Victory shall be mine.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) Ha.
That's what the baby used to say when I was your age.
Shut up, Dad.
I'm watching Rick and Morty.
So does Mommy have friends over sometimes at night? Sometimes.
It must be weird having only women come over to see Mommy.
No, it's mostly men.
Oh, it is.
And you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge? Good morning, family.
My, who's this go-getter? Tony Robbins has helped me become a better person.
In fact, today, I'm gonna ask for nay, demand a raise.
"Nay"? Wow.
This new you is a bigger surprise than when they're making fun of a celebrity on Saturday Night Live and the real-life celebrity walks in behind them.
(CHUCKLES) Boy, they're really socking it to this celebrity.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, can you imagine how mad the celebrity would be? I mean, wherever they are at this particular moment, if they're watching, they must be (BOTH GASP) Oh.
(LAUGHS) That's the actual celebrity walking up right behind 'em.
He-he's catching 'em right in the act.
The-The SNL actor doesn't know.
Aw, he's gonna get in trouble.
Look how mad the actual celebrity is.
He's folding his arms and frowning.
He tapped the SNL actor on the shoulder.
Look how surprised the SNL actor is! Oh! He's completely busted! (SCREAMS AND LAUGHS) How is this happening?! (BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I can't believe it! I was watching upstairs on Hulu! I saw it on my phone! My plane has Wi-Fi! Stewie? Stewie? "Quahog Family Fun Zone"? (DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) Uh-oh.
Stewie's dug up all his weapons.
Oh, my God, I've got to stop him.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Hey.
Shut your (BLEEP) mouth.
Tony! You're not gonna believe it.
I demanded a raise just like you told me to and they gave it to me.
Tony? Tony? You in there? TONY: Guess who, Peter.
Geena Davis? No, it's me, Peter.
Turn around.
Tony? You're alive? But how? I saw you get struck by lightning.
I was created by lightning, Peter, in a lab, like Frankenstein.
And what do you think about fire? (ROARS) Anyway, after the lightning strike, I climbed into your trunk and that's where I've been living the past week.
So, whenever I heard your voice, that was just you in the trunk? That's right.
Why would you go to all that trouble? Peter, I told you, I wasn't going to let you be my first failure.
Wow, Tony, I don't know how I can possibly thank you.
You don't need to thank me, Peter.
I have hundreds of millions of dollars.
I keep it in my forehead.
Well, I better be going.
You have a Smart car? I have two.
I'm coming, broken people! (HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Hey, everybody, we want to give a special shout-out to little Hudson on his birthday.
(CHEERING) (BEEPING) (STEWIE GRUNTS) (BEEPING GROWS FASTER) - (EXPLOSION) - (CHILDREN SCREAMING) Oh, no.
Soda! Sticky balls! (CHILDREN SCREAMING) (LAUGHING, THEN SCREAMING) Damn you all.
(SCREAMING) Stewie? That's my name, don't wear it out.
Yeah, let that wash over you.
Learned that from a third grader.
Any last words? Yeah.
I'm glad to see you.
You never RSVP to the invite my mom sent.
You You invited me? BRIAN: Yes.
He did.
Brian? What are you doing here? And how do you know I was invited? Because I threw your invitation away.
You what? I know.
I'm sorry.
I-I just I saw how you were connecting with Hudson and I-I was afraid of losing our friendship.
Friendship? Brian, you and I have never been friends.
We We haven't? No.
Friends are people who come in and out of our lives.
But you and I are family.
That's forever.
Sorry I caused all this trouble.
I hope you can forgive me.
Ah, that's okay, nothing could ever come between us.
I'm even going to make a speech at your wedding.
So Brian and I are down in Mexico, and, as usual, he doesn't have any cash on him.
That's probably why your parents are paying for all this, right, Evan? BRIAN: Wait, hold on.
Evan? Why am I gay in this? STEWIE: Ah, it's the end of the show.
We sometimes do something silly here.
So, now that you got me back as a friend, what are all the great things you have planned for us? Uh we could go see a movie.
Oh, a movie.
That's a great idea.
You know what'll get me out of this funk? The Equalizer 2.
(CHUCKLING) Okay.
All right, fine.
I got I got nothing.
Exactly.
And you were such a jealous little bitch that you had to ruin the one friendship I really cared about.
You're just a big jerk and I hate you, and there's nothing you can do to make up for it.
Fine.
Maybe I'll just go out and get some ice cream.
Ice cream? I like ice cream.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think it's more of a bigger kid thing.
No, no, no! No.
I've had ice cream, like, six times.
All right, come on, let's go.
You know, Brian, I'm starting to think we're going to get through our Rocky Road.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) (FORCED LAUGH) We had a lot of laughs tonight, but let's remember the important thing: you can't put a price on your happiness, which is why I have: it's $6,000.
See you in Fort Myers, probably.