Family Guy s17e04 Episode Script

Big Trouble in Little Quahog

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (BARKING) - Whoa, whoa, easy, boy, easy.
- (GROWLING) I-It's just Stewie in a kitty costume.
I'm a calico, and my name is Humphrey.
He got his face painted at a birthday party.
It was the only thing this little guy could do.
He was too light for the caterpillar slide, too short for the piñata, and too scared to touch the animals in the petting zoo.
- Half of them had erections.
- Half of them had erections.
The pony was magnificent.
The pony was magnificent.
- Oh, what do we have here? - Hey, back off! That's my goodie bag.
An eraser.
Raisins in an unsealed sandwich bag.
Oh, a parachute guy.
Uhp, he's already tangled.
This day started off so great.
It was awash in cake and pony boners.
Now all I have is this dumb whistle.
- (EXHALES) - Doesn't even work.
(EXHALES) Ow! What the hell?! Oh, it's a dog whistle.
- (EXHALES) - (SHOUTS) I've always wondered what that sounds like to you.
(INHALES) GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Dog whistle! Dog whistle! Where are you, dog?! - Give me that! - Hey.
Oh, what, you want it? Here, take it.
Give it back.
- Give me it.
- No.
It's mine now.
In fact, I'm gonna put it where you can never reach it.
No! - Good luck, shrimp.
- (GRUNTING) I can't believe the nerve of that dog.
Teaching me a lesson about size? I'm not even that small.
Tiny Tom Cruise? Oh, hey, little guy.
Forgot my sunglasses.
Hey, what's with your gay character names lately? Stacee Jaxx? Jack Reacher? I mean, who are you playing next? (CHUCKLES): All right, try to make this sound gay: next up, I play Headmaster Bates Mann.
- Anything else? - Actually, yes.
After that, I'll be taking the role of Major Dixon Butts, then Senator Rod Clutcher.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) I'm too small, am I, Brian? Well, we'll just see who's the bigger man.
"Brian, sorry I got testy.
Let's bury the hatchet.
"If you're free, I'd love to hear about any new writing projects you're working" - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Oh, at least wait for me to send it.
- (TEXT MESSAGE CHIRPS) - (COMPUTER CHIMES) Hey, Stewie, I got your text.
What am I working on? (CHUCKLES): What am I not working on? Well, first off, I got this screenplay for Tom Cruise, about the queen's private secretary, Sir Gaylord Hummer.
Well, actually, he might do that.
But, Brian, I'm more interested in short stories.
(HIGH-PITCHED): What the hell did you do to me, Stewie? Well, Brian, you seemed to enjoy belittling me, so I decided to belittle you.
I've simply shrunken down your molecular structure.
It was easy, really.
Like taking candy, or a whistle, from a baby.
You dick.
Undo this.
This is perfect.
I think my excitement is best expressed by Jean-Claude Van Damme in this scene.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) All right, you've made your point.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I couldn't hear that, it's too high-pitched.
- You're what? - I'm sorry.
- For what? - For calling you a shrimp.
- And? - What do you mean "and"? Come on, you know what I want.
And all four chairs would totally turn for you on The Voice.
- Anything else? - (SIGHS) And the way you salute and point is very casual and free of affectation.
Hey, thanks, Bri.
I'll go switch you back.
(RAPID FOOTSTEPS) (SNIFFS) - (GROWLS) - Stewie! You know, I'm really flattered you think all four Voice chairs would turn around.
My dream order would be Adam, Blake, Alicia Keys, and then Kelly Clarkson, whose chair I imagine would turn last, 'cause she's, uh she's a bigger gal.
Help! Oh, crap.
Don't worry, Brian, I'll save you! But I'm a millennial, so first I have to watch a YouTube instructional video on how to do it.
What's going on, guys? I'm Corey, and today I'm gonna teach you how to get your friend out of a rat hole.
Now, before we get started, don't forget to subscribe to my channel, Corey's World.
And, guys, I'll get to as many comments as I can, but I can't get to all of them.
And don't forget to check out my other videos, like "How to Play Guitar.
" Uh, Brian, this might be a while.
What's going on, guys? I'm Corey.
Brian! Hang in there, buddy.
BRIAN (HIGH-PITCHED): Hurry up! Get this rat away from me! I'll shrink myself down and come get you.
But in the meantime, they say if you put your finger in a rat's butt, that disables it.
(RAT SCREECHES) BRIAN: It didn't work.
Now he's just angry.
Try wetting your finger first.
- (RAT SCREECHES) - BRIAN: Just get in here! (WHIRRING) (RAT GROWLING) Hey, come on, guy.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, you don't want to do this.
I'll have what she's having.
(SQUISHES) Please tell me that's not the finger you stuck in a rat's butt.
It I don't-I don't remember which one it was.
Yeah, that was the finger.
All right, let's get back to the machine.
Look at all this shag carpet.
This is like our Vietnam movie.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT): I miss Jenny.
- What is that? - That's Forrest.
Forrest Gump.
- Yeah, I-I don't think so.
- Shh.
- (DISTANT MECHANICAL HUMMING) - What is that? It ain't a box of chocolates.
(WHIRRING) (NORMAL VOICE): Vacuum cleaner! (BOTH SCREAMING) I hate my life and nobody can hear me say it right now! (BOTH SCREAMING) (WHIRRING STOPS) Oh, my God, this is disgusting! I just hope she's done vacuuming.
- (VACUUM SQUEAKING) - LOIS: Okay, everyone, dump your toenails in the hall, I'm vacuuming.
That was close.
(BOTH SCREAMING) Oh, my God, we're in the trash outside! We've got to get down from here.
Quick, pass me that baggie.
How am I supposed to get down? That was the only baggie.
Use either the tampon strings or the discarded dental floss and rappel down.
- (BONES CRACK) - Which one did you go with? Neither.
I was hoping to kill myself.
(WHISTLING) Two days of mail at once, nobody knows.
Don't go over two.
Don't get greedy.
Uhp, got a bat in the cave.
All right, I figure if we can just What's going on? An eclipse? - Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Holy crap! What is that?! - Gross! Oh! - What is on us? Oh! Ah! Snot rocket! Oh, my God, it's so disgusting! Get it off! Get it off! - Are you guys eating that? - Uh, what? Are you eating this pile of boogers? - Uh, no.
- Can I eat it? Yeah, please.
We're stuck.
Dude, dude, you got to get down here, by the big trash can.
Dude, dude, dude, just get here.
(BEE BUZZING) - Brian, we've got to get up to my room.
- Yeah, but how? We'll just climb the lattice on the front of the house.
- When did we get that? - Well, every '80s movie had one, so the fat man thought we should have one, too.
Okay, great.
You know, it's funny, you said "every '80s movie," but I can't think of a single one.
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off? - I don't think so.
But the lattice thing sounded right when you said it.
I-I feel like '80s movies were wall-to-wall lattices.
- Sixteen Candles? - Hmm no, no.
I mean, she was being ignored most of the movie.
Who'd be climbing into her window? Ah, good point.
Risky Business? No.
Hookers don't climb.
Oh, I know, Home Alone.
Home Alone must've had a lattice.
Maybe, but that was 1990.
Eh, it feels like an '80s movie.
You know, it was probably greenlit in the '80s, when lattices were still a thing.
Oh, wow, here we are.
All right, Brian, at this size, this is a two-man job.
While I adjust the settings, you go over there and hit the tiny button to fire it up.
(WHIRRING) Wait a minute.
This doesn't feel right.
What button did you hit? That one.
The tiny button.
STEWIE: Wait, did you hit the tiny button or the button that says "tiny"? I hit the button that says "tiny.
" - You said, "Hit the tiny button.
" - Exactly! I didn't say, "Hit the big button that says 'tiny, '" I said, "hit the tiny button.
" The one you pressed is going to shrink us down to microscopic size! Well, why would you make the tiny button big? I had to make it big enough to write "tiny" on it! BRIAN: Well, what the hell do we do now?! STEWIE: I don't I-I'm still thinking about that lattice thing.
I want to say Parenthood? BRIAN: Parenthood.
I feel like Parenthood is right.
(CREATURES CHIRPING) It's beautiful.
Ah, I just wish my hot girlfriend were here to see it.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, you have a girlfriend? - What's her name? - Girly Friendston.
"Girly Friendston"? Nice try, Stewie.
Why won't he answer my texts? WOMAN: Girly, your piano teacher's here.
- Oh, Mom, do I have to? - Girly Friendston, you stop mooning over that boyfriend of yours - and get down here this instant.
I'm the exterminator.
An ex-Terminator? So you used to be a Terminator? - No.
I kill rats and bugs.
- And Sarah Connor.
- No, Peter.
We have a rat.
- My stuff's in my truck.
- I'll be back.
- (GASPS) See that, Lois? There's more Terminators around than you think there are.
(BEEPING) I hope he can terminate some of the bad attitudes on our kids, huh? (LAUGHS WEAKLY) Yeah.
- (RUMBLING) - What's that sound? Oh, my God! Look! (CREATURES SCREECHING) (ROARING) (SCREECHES) Holy crap, what the hell were those things?! Dust mites.
One of the most dominant species of the micro world.
Why did they just attack like that? MALE VOICE: Because they're jerks.
Aah! Who the hell are you? Sorry.
Didn't mean to scare you, little buddies.
My name's Vernon.
I'm a water bear.
A water bear? What's a water bear? They're predominantly water-dwelling, eight-legged segmented micro animals.
They're also known as a moss piglet or a tardigrade.
You can call me tardy, but I'm always on time.
Well, here she is.
Home sweet home.
Everybody, we've got guests! You'll see that we have quite the diverse cast of characters.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT): I'm the country water bear.
"Yee-haw" is what I say.
Flagellum? I don't even know them.
I'm the black one.
And I'm Patrick Stewart as a water bear.
I can't believe there's this whole universe hidden here in your rug where everyone speaks English.
Okay, Brian, take the ride.
Here, have a sip of water.
(ALL GASP) What the? Hey, cut it out! You have water? Water is life.
Yeah, we need water bad.
And I'm the gay one, but I'm not, like, doing the gay voice.
Listen, Stewie and I come from a place where water flows like well, water.
That's right.
And we need to get back there.
And if you guys help us, we'll make sure you never want for water again.
What do you say? - (CHEERING) - All right! Patrick Stewart! - Well, what'd you find? - I'll be honest.
I think this is a conversation best had over dinner.
So what's going on with the house? I don't like talking business at the table.
- Let's just enjoy our wine.
- You're right.
I'm sorry.
(QUIETLY): Your wife's asleep.
Sometimes she fakes it so I can't hump her, but this seems legit.
So, uh, shouldn't we talk about what you found at our house? I don't know.
It's so late.
I have a crazy idea.
Should we talk about it over a nightcap? Uh, sure, I guess.
I'm a little chilly.
Oh, well, I-I guess I don't need this.
Sir? Sir, I asked you what you found out about the house.
What? Oh.
You're gonna have to tent the house.
All right.
Thanks for your work.
You're very professional.
Yeah, that's me.
Always professional.
And alone.
(LADYSMITH BLACK MAMBAZO STYLE SONG PLAYING) What the hell is this giant wall? We're here, Brian.
That's your laptop.
If we get inside, I can remotely hack into the shrink ray.
(RUMBLING) Oh, my God! It's the dust mites! (SCREECHING) Oh, no! Water Bear Consuela, can you stop them? No, no.
I only clean Wednesday.
- Can't you just clean today? - No, no.
(DUST MITES SCREECHING) Here's the micro board.
I just need to reroute the circuits.
All right.
The laptop is now linked to the shrink ray.
The only problem is that I can't activate it from here.
We still somehow have to press the return button on the keyboard.
But at this size, there's no way I can do it alone.
I've got an idea.
Well, you better act quickly.
Guys! Follow me up this way! Why is there a tiny lattice inside this computer? I guess Steve Jobs was really into '80s movies.
(DUST MITES SCREECHING) Brian, wait for my signal.
- Hold.
- (HISSES) Hold.
- Now! - You-you never told me what to do.
- Jump! - Why? - Trust me.
- Aah! (ALL SCREAMING) (BUTTON CLICKS) My God! It worked! Stewie, you're a genius! - (SCREECHING) - Oh, no.
Run! Okay.
All the gas bombs are set up.
Time to blow all those vermin to kingdom come.
Can I press the button? Hmm, perhaps that's a question best pondered over dinner? You-you can just press it.
Go ahead.
(BEEPS) Aah! Poison gas! They must've gotten an exterminator for the rat! (ROARING) Tiny Tom Cruise? (BOTH GRUNT) (BOTH COUGHING) Thank you, Tiny Tom Cruise.
How can we ever repay you? Well, you could make a sizable donation to the Church of Spaceship Beep Boop.
You mean the Church of Yeah, kidnapping, torture, extortion, that's the one.
And we won't get in trouble because we didn't use the actual name.
MAN: What did he just say? We are about love and spaceships and beep boop! Get my lawyer on the phone! - You have children in there?! - Oh, yeah, three.
Should-should we have mentioned that? MAN: Meg, Chris, come to the light.
Meg, no.
Don't do it.
Don't go to Prince! Come to the purple light, Meg.
Come taste infinity.
Don't listen to him, Meg.
But he's so talented and he's got so many drugs.
Alan Thicke is here, too.
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
It's a hoot.
I'm coming, Alan Thicke.
No! Google my CrystaLight aerobics competition.
It's ridiculous.
I hope Vernon and the gang survived.
That gas was pretty powerful.
Well, let's take a look.
They're okay.
Let's deliver on our promise.
A little water for our little friends.
- Oh, hell no! - Set country music! Oh, my gay God.
(SCREAMING) Ah, they're dead.
Now I'm sad.
Cheer me up, Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I haven't gone Feeling So good today Ain't nobody
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