Family Guy s22e04 Episode Script

Old World Harm

It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's A Fam Ily Guy! ♪
Good news, Peter.
We finally saved enough money
to go on a couple's vacation together.
We haven't traveled in years.
That's not true. You
made us drive to Toronto
to confront that sex
worker I facetime with.
Yeah, that wasn't a vacation,
that was an ultimatum.
And after an insultingly
long pause, I chose you.
We're going on a trip, Peter.
Aw, sweet.
Harold Goldfarb: Jetpack Lawyer is on.
Your Honor, may I approach the bench?
Is this so you can use your jet pack?
I'll allow it.
(SHOUTING): I'm appealing
this to a higher court.
I wish I had a jet pack.
My life would be better.
Ooh, 360.
Oh, wait. 180. Very good.
Now let's get your height.
All right. So you're
seven foot, six, 180,
with colorectal cancer.
I'm tall?
Excuse me, I'm here
to renew my passport.
Of course, let's go
take a terrible photo.
Oh, my god, that's why
she wore the nice shirt.
Oh, this is so sad.
(GASPS) Oh, no! Seal
and Heidi Klum broke up.
Uh, yeah, in 2012.
All those magazines are super old.
(GASPS) Good Lord.
Whitney Houston died? Since when?
Again, 2012.
This says she drowned in the bathtub.
But-but I take baths.
I think there may have
been other stuff going on.
No! Baths kill, Chris.
And I will not become another statistic.
Next time I bathe, I'm taking a shower.
And it's gonna be the
best baby shower ever.
I'll wear a tiara, go to brunch,
and my best friend will start crying,
and that's when we realize
she's been trying for years.
And I'll say, "It's not your fault,"
but quietly I wonder if it's
a result of her life choices.
I mean, I'm as liberal as
anyone, but do you really think
a throuple based on a
mutual love of cocaine
doesn't have consequences?
I am as liberal as anyone, though.
Are you sure you want to do this, Peter?
Seems a little reckless.
You do know that wearing
a jet pack doesn't
- make you a lawyer, right?
- Objection.
Not supporting my dream of becoming
- a sky attorney.
- Withdrawn.
Hey, I saw a thing and
now I want to do the thing.
That's my thing.
Now, quit yapping and tape
these leaf blowers to my back.
To a thousand and beyond.
That's as high as he can count.
Peter, what the hell?
Aah! Aah!
Aw, crap, there's one
of them Chinese balloons.
Excuse me. I'm Japanese.
Oh, my god. I am so sorry.
Please excuse my ignorance.
Hey, just take this
opportunity to learn and grow.
I will. I will, balloon, I will.
Man, Lois was pissed about
me wrecking the house.
Really? I assumed she'd be
numb to your shenanigans by now.
Worst part is I spent
all our vacation money
on the jet pack without asking.
For some reason, women don't like it
when you wreck their financial future.
The lady brain is truly
the most confounding
of all head meats.
Peter, I know what it's
like to be in the doghouse,
but I think I can help.
Why don't you use my
mom's condo in Florida?
Every year she winters in Buffalo.
I keep telling her she's
doing Florida wrong,
but she doesn't listen.
Thanks, Joe. Florida sounds great.
I bet Lois'll love that.
My mom winters in a coffin.
All the seasons, really.
Brian, I need your
help to take a shower.
Shower?! No way. Dogs
and showers don't mix.
Come on, Bri, you're the only
one who can do this with me.
I can't go back there.
I'm sorry, it's just
I took a shower once. I was so young.
When they put me in the tub,
I figured it was just to rub my tummy.
What a fool I was.
They stripped me down like an animal.
And that's when things got real.
The water just kept coming.
I tried to fight back, but I
was half-blind from the soap.
At first, Peter tried to
bathe me from the side,
but then he realized
it'd be easier if he
got in.
When it was over,
they just wiped me down
with an old beach towel
and threw me in the yard.
I didn't get a parade.
Hell, I didn't even get a chew toy.
Thank you for your shower.
Don't do this, Stewie.
Once you get in that
shower, you never come back.
Sorry, but I'm taking a shower
"with or without you."
Uh, we-we can't afford that U2 song.
Oh, really?
But they will pay us to
play one off their new album.
Yeah, that's a big bon-no.
Well, Peter, I was
skeptical, but I got to say,
it's beautiful here.
Well, this is the address.
Peter, this isn't a vacation home,
this is a retirement community.
I can't believe you never told me.
Lois, we had a whole
conversation about this
when you were passed out
on your airplane pills.
Okay, I got to fess up,
it's kind of a retirement community.
If you're okay with it,
breathe once every minute.
- Ah, there it is.
I can't believe you took me
to a retirement community.
Come on, it's not so bad.
There's canasta and pickleball,
plus the world's softest toilet seats.
I can't poop now 'cause
I'm afraid of heights.
- Uhp, here we go.
All right, now I'm getting confidence.
Ugh, there's so much
"not actual milk" milk.
Hey, I think this is
that mother's day gift
Joe told me about.
It's a "Joe-mometer."
It announces celebrity
trivia in Joe's voice.
JOE: It's 76 degrees.
Actor Morgan Freeman is left-handed.
Wow. That's mildly interesting.
This place is depressing.
I want to go home.
Oh, hey, I know this isn't
the trip you were hoping for,
but our flight back isn't for a week,
so we may as well try to have fun.
Ugh, fine. I'll give it a shot.
You won't be disappointed.
Remember, you didn't think you'd like it
when I had big, giant traps either.
Hey, babe, did you wash my singlet?
I got a tournament up in great neck.
Peter, I can't wash your singlet
and make you a hundred egg whites.
- Hey, Dad. (EXCLAIMS)
Uhp, left yourself open
to a nearside cradle.
- I am not a part of this.
- Well, then tap out.
- I tap out. (CHOKING)
- No tap outs.
Good God, these are the ones
who could make it to the pool.
Imagine what the ones
in the rooms look like.
I, uh, couldn't help but notice
your sternum has only 14 sunspots.
Uh, no one here has less than 83.
Aw, I bet you say that to all the ladies
who can walk without assistance.
You ever been with a man
who knows the price of milk in 1942?
(WEAK CHUCKLE) Can't say that I have.
It was a nickel.
That was the price of everything then.
A suit was a nickel.
A house was a nickel.
A dime was a nickel.
Hemorrhoid donut for the lady?
A girl could get used to this.
Now, who wants to see me bite
into an apple with my own teeth?
It's suicide!
I missed the moon landing,
I ain't missing this.
- Heavens to Betsy, that's amazing.
Could you help us turn on the TV, dear?
Our favorite program is about to start.
Sure, why not.
- BOTH: Ooh! Ooh!
You must be one of
those computer whizzes.
The last time I tried to
work the remote myself,
I got folded inside a bed.
Could you reach that
cigar box full of dominoes?
My grandchildren are coming
and I want them to do something fun.
Oh, such a strong boy.
Here, have a chick-o-stick.
You carry candy in your pocket?
Of course.
All old ladies are 70% pocket candy.
That weird strawberry
candy with the goo inside.
You guys are like walking piñatas.
Oh, it's so nice to be touched.
All right, before the big shower,
I should do a dry run.
Need to get a feel for the space.
Let's start with some
articulation exercises.
Soap the shins. Soap the shins.
Soap and sop and soak the shins.
The room sound is a little
tinny, but I can make it work.
All right, not bad for the first day.
Rupert, toss over the rope ladder.
Oh, you son of a bitch, I knew it.
Is this because I suggested a prenup?
Well, if money doesn't matter,
you should just sign it.
I'm stuck!
Oh, this is just great.
I'm going to die in here
and I'll never take a shower.
Maybe you won't, but we will.
Thanks, Bri.
The poop was in there when I got in.
Man, this place is
great for my self-esteem.
I'm getting bicep
squeezes left and right.
And men keep telling me
I look like Greer Garson.
That's good, I think.
Being the youngest, healthiest
people here sure has its perks.
It's like everyone wants a piece of us.
Before we harvest the organs
of these two young meatbags,
we need to decide who gets what.
So, if you want a body
part, call dibs now.
Yeah, I'll take the
udders and the hooves.
What? That's not a cow.
That's a guy?
But I saw him eating grass earlier.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're
donating the brain to science.
No one take the brain.
Morning, Peter.
I brought you some calcium-rich milk.
It'll make your bones
strong so I can swim again.
- Thanks, Art.
- Don't thank me
the cow did most of the work.
Lois, would you be a dear
and lift this fruitcake
that's the same weight as my grandson?
Um, sure?
Full range of motion. Firm grip.
Time for your breakfast eye exam.
Which line can you read?
Uh, well, I can read "gledjeb".
That's not a word, it's
just random letters in a row.
Really? I thought it was dutch.
Hey! They said my name.
Don't be so self-centered.
They could mean Gledjeb Opeldark.
Well, you ready, Stewie?
Yup. Even got some decals
for the shower floor.
I see you went with the flower design.
The daffodil pattern provides
superior protection against slippage.
Dr. Scholl's gave it
four toes out of seven.
I-it's a weird scale, but
that's still pretty good.
And I got us some shampoo.
Why did you buy the kind
for color-treated hair?
Speaking of hair, that
is one heck of a musical, huh?
That's the hair we should be discussing.
You got a little
Giuliani drip going there.
There were voting
irregularities in Michigan!
Can you believe they gave
us complimentary massages?
Have you fasted for the last 12 hours?
- Were we supposed to?
- No worries.
Why do you need our blood
pressure for a massage?
Deep tissue. Hot stone.
We have all different kinds.
You just ignored my question
And answered a different
one you had in your head.
I did eat my twin in the
womb, thanks for asking.
Okay, let's get you started.
Are you a D cup or is that just gravity?
Oh, just gravity.
Just a half rack, Tony.
Excuse me, I have to use the restroom.
Oh, my God.
Ah. Well, that's not so bad.
Hard to misinterpret that.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
And how many drinks would
you say you consume each week?
Socially, about four to six.
Alone in the dark while
crying to Adele, a hundred.
Welp, beggars can't be choosers.
They're trying to steal our organs.
They want to kill us. Let's go.
- What's happening?
- Don't worry, Lois.
It's called "Flintstone legs."
Trust me, all we need is some traction.
Calling all coots!
Red dawn and the waddler
have flown the coop.
Brian, if something should
happen to one or both of us,
I'd regret not having said
this, so I'm just gonna say it.
You have a nice penis.
I see it a lot, I don't say anything,
but it's nice.
Now, you say something
nice about my penis.
I think we should turn the water on.
Huh, this isn't as bad as I remember.
It's actually kind of nice.
I wonder what this thing does.
- Aah!
- Aah!
- This is horrible!
- The spray is too strong.
We have to turn down the water.
Now it's too hot! Now it's too cold!
My God, how does Chris
stay in here for 45 minutes?
He's doing other stuff, but
we got to get out of here.
Oh, my God, now the tub is filling up.
Wait a minute, the tub is filling up.
This isn't a shower anymore.
This is a bath! I know baths.
I've got this, Bri.
The legend lives on from
the Chippewa on down ♪
Of the big lake they called ♪
Gitche Gumee ♪
The lake, it is said,
never gives up her dead ♪
When the skies of November ♪
Turn gloomy. ♪
Oh, my God. What is that?
A decade's worth of meg's hair.
Ew, that's gross.
No, it isn't. It's our lifeline, Brian.
Boost me to the shower caddy.
- Oh!
Hang on.
We are never taking a shower again.
Uh, fellas, I'm gonna need
the room for 45 minutes.
I'm gonna gut you like a fish
and scoop out your insides.
Right after I parallel park.
Peter, come on!
Sorry, Lois. As a man,
I'm required to watch
other men parallel park.
Peter, he wants to kill us! Let's go!
You got to cut the wheel.
I am cutting the wheel.
- No, the other way.
- This is the other way, jerk.
No, left. Cut left.
Pull back, cut left. Now I'm involved.
Oh! They shrunk the spaces
so they could make more
Sir, this is a standard
space on a public street.
Nobody's making money here.
Stop where you are.
We would like this all to
be over by 4:00 P.M., please.
Enough! You freaks are
never getting our organs!
Now shuffle aside
before I call the cops.
This is Florida, doll.
The cops are all just
strippers who carry guns.
- Then who are the strippers?
- Firemen.
- So, who fights the fires?
- No idea.
- You're sick.
- And you you're selfish.
You come in here flaunting
your working ears and knuckles
that don't look like an abacus
and expect us not to pick you clean
like the last hour at a Chinese buffet?
If we have to take your
organs by force, then so be it.
- Have it your way.
We always do,
no matter how many times we
have to send the entrée back.
We will stand here and fight until
- WOMAN: It's 4:04.
- Oh! We're missing dinner!
I'm sorry, Lois.
Looks like I ruined another vacation.
You know, Peter, I was upset
when you brought me here
because I wanted to have
an exciting vacation,
just the two of us,
and I thought this place
was gonna be boring,
but you know what? Turns out
fleeing from bloodthirsty
senior citizens with you
was kind of a thrill.
This may not have been
the vacation I expected
but it turned out to be
the best one I've ever had.
I love you, Peter.
I love you, too.
Man, this place is crazy.
Can you believe Joe was
in the dark about all this?
Did you get the legs?
No, no, no, it's fine.
I'll see if I can get Cleveland
to go down there next week.
Hey, bud! How was Florida?
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