Family Guy s22e05 Episode Script

Baby, It's Cold Inside

It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's A Fam Ily Guy! ♪
Anybody know how to empty
the reservoir on a realdoll?
'Cause the website is
mostly testimonials.
Peter, of course you know what today is.
Yeah, Donald Sutherland's birthday.
And maybe another special day?
National Dachshund Day.
Oh, Peter, you forgot our
anniversary again, didn't you?
What? No, no, I-I got
you an awesome gift.
But you can't see it until tonight.
Tonight? Wh-why tonight?
Oh, you'll see. Tonight
is gonna be amazing.
You're gonna smile bigger than I did
when I was on the cover
of Mad Magazine.
You kids don't remember
mad or magazines.
Fortunately, I'm on
broadcast television.
What, me worry?
Okay, me worry.
I wonder how old Donald
Sutherland is today.
- I don't know, pretty old.
- He looks good, though.
And you know what? I think the key there
is never looking good.
Brian, quick, check
out your six o'clock.
Or-or your nine o'clock.
I can't tell time.
A perfectly good mini fridge.
Well, you're gonna have to
fight Danny Devito for it.
Would you look at that.
A perfectly good, normal-size fridge.
You know what? If this works,
I'm going to put it in my room.
Stewie, you're too little to
have a fridge in your room.
Think whatever you want,
Brian, but I'm taking this
before Danny Devito gets it.
That's all right, kid.
I don't need it anymore.
[SINGERS] Danny Devito ♪
Got bit by a magic mosquito. ♪
[ANNOUNCER] Danny Devito
and the Magic Mosquito,
now streaming on peacock.
I'm hearing a lot of buzz.
There he is. Here comes the groom!
Geez, even you guys
know it's my anniversary?
- How is that possible?
- It's easy.
- I follow your wife.
- You mean on Instagram?
- Yep.
- Peter, let me guess.
You forgot your anniversary again.
Yeah. What's worse, I
lied, and I told Lois
I had a awesome gift
planned for tonight.
If I don't come up
with something amazing,
I am so screwed.
Hey, you want to give Lois a treat?
Now, they're a little outfit out there
in Fort Wayne, Indiana,
family owned and operated
for five generations over there
in the "Crossroads of America."
Indiana's state motto.
And get this. They
make a metal cannister
with three different kinds of popcorn,
but they're separated!
Maybe you should just take Lois out
to a fine restaurant.
Now, I can hear some of you
saying, "Joe, why separated?"
- None of us are saying that, Joe.
- Okay, here's why.
Three flavors of popcorn in
one tin, and they don't mix.
Unless, of course, you want them to mix.
This is a home run, man.
Kind of short notice to get a
good table in any restaurant.
I don't think you appreciate
that they don't mix.
Your caramel corn stays
separate from your cheese corn,
which stays separate
from your corn corn.
You see, in the past, you would need
- three tubs of corn.
- Yes, we get it!
We know about the corn, Joe!
[CHUCKLES] Honestly,
I don't think you do.
Forgive me for eavesdropping,
but I have a flat-bottom
dory with a quiet outboard
I'd be glad to lend you.
Full moon tonight.
Why not take your bride
on a romantic cruise
around Quahog Harbor?
You know what? I think
Lois would like that.
Ooh, the romantic boat ride
is the perfect surprise.
You can bring along a tub of popcorn,
'cause the tin's waterproof.
And if you'd like, I could also
row up alongside you and play
"Brandy" on the accordion.
Yeah, no, just the boat, thanks.
Aw, I always drive past my exit.
Lois is gonna love this, Peter.
She's gonna think
you're a true romantic,
like Michael Douglas.
So who wants to hear how
I think I got mouth cancer?
She's, uh
She's heard this one before.
Check it out, Rupert.
Juice box, boom!
Go-gurts? Yep.
And most importantly, for freshness,
an open box of Armie
Hammer's baking powder,
now with 40% more fingers.
Pretty much all he had
to do was not eat people.
How the hell did you get that up here?
With no help from you, thanks.
But you know what? You still get a cola.
Ah. Convenient, I guess.
Can's not so cold, though.
Yeah, everything in there is
either lukewarm or frozen solid.
Stewie, I still think it's a bad idea
for you to have this thing in here.
Yeah, not really looking
for advice from the guy
who puts a fire emoji on all
Dua Lipa's Instagram posts.
She's not gonna respond, Bri.
She used to respond before
she had so many fans.
She was 14! And she thought you were 11
- because you said you were 11.
- Because I was 11!
See? You're still saying it.
Well, happy anniversary, Lois.
Huh? Did I tell you? Isn't this nice?
You know, I have to
admit I had my doubts,
but you really surprised me.
A romantic dinner on a boat?
Right? Who needs a fancy restaurant
when you can be wet and kind of dizzy?
Oh, Peter, it's just perfect.
Well, except for that cruise ship
that still can't dock because of Covid.
Is the election over yet?
We are all pooping in the sink!
I'm from Iowa, so I still
think this is awesome.
Oh, there's something about the ocean
that's always been so magical to me.
And I say we celebrate.
Ah, now we're talking.
All right, cannonball!
[VOICE MUFFLED] There's got to be ♪
A morning after. ♪
Peter, I feel like a kid again.
Isn't this exhilarating?
The moon, the stars,
the dark triangular
dorsal fin heading our way.
The dark triangular
dorsal fin heading our way!
Peter! Peter, don't
leave me to die out here!
Peter, come back!
Hold on, Lois. I'm gonna grab
a real quick hot chocolate.
Warm up my bones.
Oh, God. Thank God.
It's just a dolphin.
Ah, perfect.
Hey, good morning, lovebirds.
So, how'd the moonlight cruise go?
Dad saw a shark and left mom to die.
Oh, come on. All that nice stuff
I did last night, we're only
gonna focus on that one thing?
Damn it, Peter, you're supposed
to be the alpha in my life.
Someone to stand up and take charge.
But you never even looked
back to see if I was okay.
Y-you just raced off.
You hear about Anne Heche? Sad, huh?
Peter, don't try to change the subject!
You were always jealous of her!
You know what, Peter?
I am so disappointed in you,
I am taking the exclamation
points out of this argument.
You can't do that.
Male arguments are
powerless without volume.
That just leaves us with words.
[CALMLY] I'm done here.
Wow, Peter, I've never
seen Lois so upset.
Looks like you're in
and I find this phrase offensive
the doghouse.
Oh, I've solved bigger
problems than this.
Like when I forgot the
safe word at that sex party.
Aardvark. Aah!
Aardwolf. Abacus. Aah!
Abandon. Aah! Abase. Aah!
Abate. Aah! Abattoir.
[PETER] The good news
was I had memorized
the entire dictionary when
I got bored over Covid.
The bad news was the
safe word was "zyzzyva,"
a genus of south American weevils,
which, coincidentally,
I was forced to keister.
Bri, what up, dawg? Grab
a Brewski from the mini.
I can't have any more, though.
Got to cram for a test in the morning.
Where exactly are you going to school?
Um, university of college.
Not for long, though.
Just got my grades. Not good.
Stewie, I think this fridge thing
Yo check out my maxim posters.
Hot, right? No, no. Yes, yes.
No, yes, no.
- Why would you put up the nos?
- So you know when it's a yes.
Stewie, we got to talk.
Brah, if this is about
you and I being roommates,
I was gonna put a word in with Colin,
but I already have one.
Brian, meet Guy.
Guy? Okay. Pleased to meet you.
Oh, Guy doesn't speak much English.
He's from Quebec. Engineering, I think.
But he is insane, Brian. A legend.
Guy. Allons.
Ah, look at him drinking that soda.
Classic Guy.
- Okay, anyway, Stewie
- Can't talk now, Bri.
Got to spend some time
messing around on the guitar.
I didn't even know you played.
Oh, yeah, all the time. A lot.
Bros down the hall call me "Ramen,"
'cause I'm always noodling.
Hey, what's going on, no pubes?
They-they They call,
they call me a lot of things.
Lois, I told you I
would make it up to you,
so I got you something very special.
I got you in the opening
credits of SNL.
- [PETER] Okay, look.
Here comes Kenan.
Oh, look at him playfully hailing a cab.
And here you are.
Look how cool and hip you look
walking by a manhole cover
with steam coming out of it.
Uhp, looks like Kenan's still
trying to wave down a cab.
Ah, there you go again!
Now you're at the club,
holding up a "one more"
signal for a drink.
Why won't nobody stop for Kenan?
Oh, but Mikey Day gets a cab first try.
Oh, he's sharing it with Kenan.
He's sharing it. Okay.
Oh, a very stressful
opening credits this week.
Stewie, did you do this?
Geez, Brian, don't just come
barging in here like that.
I thought you were campus security.
Guy pushed an air conditioner
off the parking garage yesterday.
Almost hit a public safety officer.
By the way, that's between us.
They're going door to
door. It's pretty serious.
I don't care about that.
I want to know who
wrote "renob" on my chest
when I was sleeping.
"Renob"? Brian, you
read that in the mirror.
- It's "boner."
- What?!
Great. Thanks, Bri.
Now we've got the R.A.
coming in to check on us.
Hey, Stewie, Guy, look,
I like fun as much as anybody,
but we've had some complaints,
and you really got to keep
the noise down in here.
Oh, and, hey, I reviewed
your party application,
and everything looks to be in order,
so you're good to go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Party?
- Who's having a party?
- I am.
And it'll be loaded with
chicks, thanks to Guy.
This guy's all about the poutine,
which sounds dirty,
but it's just a gravy
they put on french fries.
Stewie, you've taken this
mini fridge thing too far.
I'm moving this thing out of here.
Oh, be careful, Bri. Not a good idea.
You don't want to piss off Guy.
Yesterday he crow-hopped a
dip tin and knocked a guy out.
Oh, wow, did he really?
Well, now I'm so very scared of guy.
- Aah!
- Oh, ho, ho, Guy.
Ce fut un grand lancer!
Je crois qu'il est mort, eh?
Special flowers for a special lady.
Hmm. These are nice. Except [SNIFFS]
They smell like
what is that, exhaust?
Why is there a picture of
a teenage Latina on them?
Peter, did you steal these
from a roadside memorial?
They didn't love her as
much as I love you, Lois.
Besides, it's not like she can see 'em.
Stolen flowers? Really, Peter?
Is that all I mean to you?
Well, there's also a
candle with one of them
spooky skeletons from coco.
You know, Peter, a relationship is
supposed to grow over time,
to give you a sense
of purpose and meaning.
But after all these years with you,
I-I just feel worthless.
I feel as worthless as any
coin smaller than a quarter.
Hello, my name is Nickel.
[ALL] Hi, Nickel.
There was a time when I paid for
a ride on a trolley, or a good cigar,
or a hand-cranked film
of a man tipping his hat
and twirling his moustache.
But yesterday, I was part
of a handful of change
at a McDonald's,
and the teenage girl threw us out.
Just-just threw us in the trash
with the wrappers and the bag.
Yeah. And I'm voiced by Kevin Hart.
[ANNOUNCER] Coming this
fall from Pixar, Coins!
We'll keep making things
talk until you don't show up.
Come on, Lois. Are you
gonna stay mad at me forever?
I've done stupid things before,
and you've always forgiven me.
Oh, I forgive you, Peter.
I just don't think I'll
ever be able to see you
as a man, my protector
or a real husband again.
Oh, okay.
I see.
Well, if that's how you
feel, I'll just take my things
and get out of your way.
This is a different realdoll.
I never figured out how
to empty the other one.
This is not good, guys.
She put a little black-and-white TV
on the sun porch and then
slept there last night.
Ooh, that's the angriest
a new England wife can get.
Look, if I could do it all
over again, I'd save her,
'cause now I know it was a dolphin
and there was no real danger.
Peter, don't you see?
We got to make you the hero again.
Wait, say that again.
We got to make you the hero again.
Yep, yeah, you got weird teeth.
Wait. What did you say
before about the hero thing?
I said we've got to
make Peter the hero
You're right. He does have weird teeth.
I just have to show Lois
I can still be her hero.
[MUFFLED] That's exactly
what I was saying.
Brian, you made it.
Aw, damn it, I love this son of a bitch.
Are you Are you drunk?
Nah, I just spun around a few times.
Stewie, it's-it's really loud.
Oh, that's all Guy, man.
His speakers aren't
even legal in America.
Stewie, you were supposed
to be in bed at 7:50.
The only clock we have in
here says "miller time."
Come on, Brian, this could be
the greatest night of our lives,
but you're all, "Stewie's too
little to have a mini fridge."
What happened to the
Brian I used to know?
You know what? You're right.
I guess I was just
worried about your safety.
But what the hell.
I can party with the
best of them, even Guy.
There you go.
What's the worst that could
happen, right? Check it.
Guy put his speakers out the window,
and he's cranking Wagner.
Everybody's like, "what?!"

You know, I don't know
why I let you talk me into
coming back down here.
Because in your heart,
you know I love you, Lois.
And because, as Chris Daughtry says,
I'll try to do it right this time.
It's not over.
- Hmm. Daughtry says it better.
- I agree.
- Hi, Lois.
Your husband Peter
wanted me to tell you
he'll try to do it
right this time, and
It's not over. ♪
Also, you may want to remind
him that his venmo did not work,
and we're gonna need to find
an alternative form of payment.
Oh, if he was wearing that straw hat,
I would've wet myself.

Oh, he's got her. [LAUGHS]
The daughtry thing worked, Quagmire.
Of course it did.
Sometimes I suffer under
the weight of my own genius.
We're all set.
This is gonna work as
long as Peter remembers
to have Lois step on the 18th plank.
18th plank. 18th plank.
Eighteen. Eighteen.
Oh, I wonder if Daughtry's coming to
the Quahog Amphitheater this season.
Let's see, Blink-182,
Twenty One Pilots,
Thirty Seconds to Mars
182, 21, 30.
10,000 Maniacs?
Geez, how old is
Natalie Merchant now? 60?
10,000, 60.
Look, Lois, I'll take you
to every one of those shows
if you just stop saying numbers
and get on the damn pier.
Uh, I-I mean, after you, my queen.

Uh, no, no. Wrong plank. Not there.
- Huh?
- No, it's nothing.
I just think you were
supposed to step here.
What the hell? Peter, are you okay?
Uh, don't worry, Lois.
I'll protect you if
there's any sharks around.
I said, if there's any sharks around.
Peter, I'm not ready. I
lost one of my flippers.
What do you mean, you're not ready?
It's not gonna work without a shark.
Oh, don't worry,
there's one right there.

Oh, phew.
Thank God.
Peter, are you all right?
Lois, you saved me.
Peter, did you rig this whole thing
so that I would fall into the water?
I guess now you're
really mad at me, huh?
You know what? I'm not.
Because I just realized
something, Peter.
I do have an alpha in my life,
someone to stand up and
take charge, and it's me.
It's always been me.
And I will never again
look outside of myself
for happiness, validation or anything.
And you, you helped me
see this, Peter. Thank you.
And you're sure you're not mad?
Oh, no, Peter, I'm not mad.
I'm horny. Hornier than
I've been in a long time.
Now, get those pants off,
you fat little bag of dirt.
Happy anniversary?
I didn't say you could talk!
But happy anniversary, Peter.
This is awesome.
You know, for a fat guy,
Peter's got a tiny ass.
Perfectly separated popcorn, anyone?
This is good. Where'd you get it?
An elder abuse victim
sent it to the station
as a thank-you for
arresting her grandson.
I'm just glad something
good came out of it.
Don't be late for work, now, Peter.
- Yah!
- Ooh! Ow. Fresh.
See you tonight.
It's good to see you two getting along.
Oh, yeah. Our marriage will be just fine
as long as Peter remembers
that I am everything
and he is nothing.
Is Stewie still sleeping?
Probably. He was up
pretty late last night.
I'll go check on him.
Stewie, you up?
That was some

Oh, my God!
Damn it, Stewie, I told you
you were too little to
have a fridge in your room.
[SOBBING] Oh Oh, God.
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