Fantasmas (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

Cookies and Spaghetti




- Need proof of existence
- Existence
[WHISPERING] Here is your proof.

Hello, Crayola.
One yellow.
Yellow for the sun.
Yellow for a duck.
That's a great choice.
Everybody loves a duck.
OK, now do orange.
Thank you. Thank you.
But the reason I'm here
is because I was tossing
and turning all night,
thinking about how you
need to make a clear crayon.
- Clear?
- Like the color clear.
But clear isn't a color.
If it isn't a color,
what do you call this?
What do you call what?
The space between us.
The emotional space, I mean.
But but then [SIGHS]
- If a crayon is a clear wax
- Mm-hmm.
And it leaves no
discernible color behind,
what's the use?
It cannot be done.
Wh why are you doing this?
Why do you need this?
It's already done.
Look at this glass of water over here.
It's defiantly clear.
Some things aren't one
of the normal colors
or play by the rules of the rainbow.
Think about air or
smells or or memory.
Shouldn't they be allowed to be colors?
To color something clear
is to acknowledge that
maybe things are different,
and that's just fine.
To color something clear
is to reimagine coloring as we know it.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
You've given us a lot to think about.
If we were to move
forward with clear Crayola,
what would we call it?
Oh, um, call it "Fantasmas."
It means "ghosts."
But why plural? Why not "Fantasma"?
It's "blue," not "blues."
Oh, because I I like it.
Right, but logically,
it should be "Fantasma."
You know what? You're right.
Let's call it "Fantasma."
No S.
- Good.
- Good.

Where is my car?
Oh, there's my ride.
Hi. For Julio?
Mm-hmm. Welcome to Chester's.
Just a few things.
Close my door gently
delete your Uber app,
and download Chester.
It's gonna be the only app
you'll want to use from now on.
Uh, what what's the Chester app?
Oh, it's basically
the Chester alternative to Uber,
but all the proceeds go to Chester.
You could book a ride
with me via the app
and have access to a community board
where users share the bathroom codes
at various Chipotle locations.
It's giving grassroots
up in here, honey.
Oh, also, if you a legacy rider,
you can get picked up and dropped off,
even if I'm already with somebody.
[CHUCKLES] Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
That TV must remain on at all times.
And it must only play "Melf."
One for you and one for me.
How do you do it?
- Uh
- Grace, be careful.
What are you?
I'm Melf from the planet Melf.
Can we keep him?
Melf loves cookies and spaghetti!

I I heard a noise downstairs.
Thought there were robbers in the house.
Turns out, it was just Melf here
having a late-night food
fight all by himself.
You are helping me clean this up.
No excuses, Melf.
You know what? You go back to bed.
I'll start cleaning up.
All right. Good night.
Don't stay up too late.
We can't let it get
that close again, Melf.
Melf loves cookies.
And spaghetti.
And Jeff.
Jeff really likes Melf too.
Melf does not want to be on the side.
Melf wants to be first.
When will Jeff tell Nancy about Melf?
[SIGHS] Soon.
[WHISPERING] I love you.

Oh, Melf!

You scared me.
[LAUGHS] What are you
What are you, um
Melf wants the house.
- Girl, leave his ass.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Are you fucking kidding me?
- OK.
- Get out!
Get out, Jeff!

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, sweetie.
I, uh hi.
- May I?
- Of course.
It's just
Thank you for, uh for inviting
Oh, I was just so
surprised you called, Grace.
It's Toast. It's Toast now.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Your mother died and gave you her ring.
I'm joking.
Oh, my God. My little
- Toast.
- Toast is getting married.
I think you'd really like her.
Are you serious?
Sorry, I I didn't
Your step-Melf is gonna be so happy.
Do you have a wedding registry?
- Anything you want, on us.
- Dad
I don't want Melf at the wedding.
- Oh.
Oh, Jeff, you won't believe who I saw
down at the store today!
Hey, Jeff,
Melf left some groceries in the car.
I'll get 'em.
Wait, Dad.
Are you hungry?
Uh, I was
I was just, uh, leaving.
Oh, let Melf fix you a plate.
No, I I really have to go.
Oh, how about some
cookies and spaghetti?
Oh, Melf!

Julio? Julio?
There's Bibo.
Oh, my God, get out.
That's your assistant?
Yeah. It's like a secretary.
Hi, Bibo.
Welcome to Chester's, Bibo.
Thank you.
I need to take tomorrow
off for a teeth cleaning.
Um, but you don't have teeth.
It's on the calendar.
Oh, I believe it's in the calendar,
but you don't have teeth.
- I got a Groupon.
- I know.
Look, I'm completely fine
with you taking tomorrow off.
I'm completely fine with
you going to the dentist.
But I just don't want you to get there
and be disappointed when
there's nothing to whiten.
I want a raise.
Are there any non-Bibo-related items
in this bag?
As a matter of fact,
another one of these came in.
I detect it's urgent.
Julio, you're ignoring this again.
These letters are piling up.
These are most likely
from your landlord.
[GASPS] What is that siren call?
Don't go into yourself again.
Wait, do you hear that?
Do you hear that? Do you hear that?
No. What?
I'm gonna get out here.
- Nice to meet you, Chester.
- Likewise.
Have a good day.
You too!
Um, hi. Uh, what is that?
What is this? What is that sound?
It's a little oyster.
With little diamonds.
It's unique, rare.
[GASPS] Beautiful.

I'll take it.

Oh, wow, huh.
Well, that mole behind your ear.

It almost looks like
the oyster's shadow.
Oh, it's not it's not a mole.
It's a it's a birthmark.
I've I've had it checked.
It's exactly the same size.

How odd.
She said it was part
of a cursed antique,
so I had to buy it.
It's perfect.
One of a kind.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
Like his apartment.
Have you seen it?
It's gorgeous.
This is going to be huge for you.
Don't lose it.

- I lost it.
- I
- No!
- Yes.
- The oyster?
- Yes, the oyster.
How much was it?
Did you find it?
- No.
- Aw.
I want to go.
Do you want to split a Chester with me?
A what?

All right. Y'all ready?
I'm gonna just drop Amina off first,
'cause, you know, she a teacher.
But then y'all are next.
Oh, there's the building
I'm applying for.
You're moving into the
Capital One Residencies?
The ExxonMobil one.
- Oh.
- And Julio,
they have a swimming pool.
Ooh, girl, I hear it's nice.
Did they ask you for
that thingy, though?
Proof of existence.
They ask it for all apartments now.
Child, I don't play with
no damn proof of existence.
I don't need one.
Girl, tell me why Uber was
trying to get me to get one,
and I was like, y'all are
trying to take half of my money
off my rides and want
me to pay for an ID
that proves that I exist?
Girl, bye.
I exist.
I don't I don't even have
one, and I don't want it.
I want nothing to do with it.
Wait, go off, sis.
I look like garbage in mine.
What do you do, Vanesja?
It's pronounced "Vanesa."
The J is silent, like
the poisonous flower.
I'm a very important talent agent,
here on very serious business.
She's a performance artist
performing as my agent,
but she's been doing it for so long that
now she's just doing,
like, regular agent stuff.
So it's just kind of unclear.
Wait, but you submitted
"agent" for your proof?
No more questions, Chester.
Aw, secretive girl.
What about you, Julio?
What do you do?
Julio was struck by
lightning as a child.
Ever since, he's seen the
world a little differently.
When I came to, they
gave me a doctor's note
to skip gym for the rest of my life.
I got it laminated, and
that's what I show people
when they ask for proof of existence.
Wait, OK. Side note.
What was you doing in the woods?
I don't remember.
I don't think you know.
[WHISPERING] He was pooping.
I don't think it matters.
In fact, he was wiping
when the lightning hit.
But he takes that part
out of the mythology,
due to societal shame.
[CHUCKLES] Wait, but what do you do?
Like, I am a teacher.
You are a
A Julio.
It's what he does.
Mm-mm. Elaborate, please.
I mean, you know, I wake
up, and I just sort of Julio.
It's amazing.
Just today, he was
consulting for Crayola,
and tomorrow, he's meeting with NASA
to rebrand a constellation.
I can feel the inner lives
of, uh, shapes and colors
and sounds and numbers and letters.
I started doing letters recently.
Like, OK, let me give you an example.
You know how the letter Q
comes up way too early in the alphabet?
How do you mean?
Well, it should be
all the way in the back
with the fellow avant-garde letters:
the X, the Y, and the Z.
Q didn't ask to go early.
I mean, just imagine
what it would feel like.
- Delightful.
So nice and easy.
Once again, give it up for P.
And now, put your hands together for Q.
All the letters in the alphabet
have been so accessible,
until Q takes the stage.
Hey, I'm Q.
You're all gonna die ♪
I don't know why ♪
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Max!
This next one is called,
"Your Zipper is Open, and
Your Cock is Hanging Out."
No one gets him.
Q just went up too early.
Come on you got me sandwiched
in between these two normies.
I'm sorry, but that's what they are.
Who the hell you got up there now?
Listen to him. They're eating him up.
I'm not accessible like that.
That's why you gotta
put me on late, you know,
when they're all liquored up.
We talked about this.
I don't make the order.
Fine. You know what?
This club sucks, and so do you.
You know what?
I'm proud to be niche.
I don't care.
I'm only kidding, man. Come on.
[CHUCKLES] You know me.
Just just give me a chance.
But Q will continue to be Q.
Social Security ♪
Oh, you're so maturity ♪
Your 401 is not OK ♪
- Have a nice day.
- This is great.
- Hey!
- What is this?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, come on!
[CHUCKLES] Nice to meet you.
I'm O.
Listen, you know what the difference is
between you and me?
The little stick.
You got to lose that thing.
Yeah, but then I'd be
My understudy.
I got so many gigs right now.
Orange, orangutan, ooze.
I'm in that one twice.
Listen, I'm swamped.
I need an extra pair of hands.
Give me a call when you're done being
an out-of-work letter, huh?
- Blech!
- Whoa!
Ooh, I can do it too.
No one is buying what Q is selling.
There's no market for weird.
And for years, Q had to find other ways
to pay the bills

while all the mainstream letters
were swimming in opportunity.
Becoming the highest-grossing
consonant in the alphabet.
F is set to sign a
multimillion-dollar contract
to start a new word alongside
America's sweetheart, B.
Peeved at coming
And then the worst happened.
Weird suddenly became cool.
Yeah, man, we're W, X, Y, and Z,
and we don't play by the
dumb rules of this town,
and we won't play nice.
And Q just missed the boat.
We're not like anything
you've seen before.
We shatter the rules.
We don't get in line.
As the injustice of it
all slowly crept in,
it finally became too much for Q.

All those years of insisting on his art,
staying true to himself.

Feeling stuck, he decides to
break free.

Oh, OK.
So do any of the more mainstream
letters in the alphabet
have any animosity towards you guys?
You could just say that the letter G
has been sliding into all of our DMs.
Hey, O. It's me, Q.
I just want to address something here.
I don't think we'd be here
without the influence of Q.
Is this a performance piece?
What are you doing?
Personally, but their work has had
an impact on mine,
and I can safely say for us all here.
And we would have never been here,
had it not been for the boundaries
Q broke down.
To no fame, no glory
just to the relentless,
unwavering commitment to authenticity.
Q made audiences uncomfortable
long before weird was cool.
So if you're watching this,
just know that I'm a huge fan.
Are you there?
Can you talk?
Hey, fuck off.
You felt that, right?
Girl, you feel all that
just by looking at a Q?
I told you. That's what I do.
Call me if you want to book him,
and I'll Vanesja right into it.
Girl, we've been here.
Amina, girl.
Thanks. Bye.
I can't stop thinking about it.
I saw it for the first time a week ago.
It was late,
and I was one of the few
people left in school.
As I hovered over the toilet bowl,
I contemplated the carvings and drawings
the boys had made in the stall
all drawings of penises,
typical bully stuff.
Then I saw it, in a corner of the stall,
as if hiding from its friends
a penis with its head
turned away from the viewer?
What could it mean?
Was the dick sad?
Was it being crushed by the expectations
of masculinity?
Or was it just living its own life?

I couldn't ignore this cry for help.
I had to find out who drew it.
Maybe it's one of the gay ones?
The gay ones don't draw dicks.
They draw eyes.
With huge, luscious lashes.
Hang on.
How's it going, Rick?
In the boys' bathroom,
did you draw a penis
with its head averting
the viewer's gaze?
Like this?
Why are you wearing a purple shirt?
Purple's a girl color.
You're not supposed to wear that.
Stop it.
I'm just letting him know
he's not supposed to wear that.
Why not?
All right, detention.
A bunch of bullies.

Michael, wait.
Did you draw this?
'Cause I'm a boy, bitch.
Why does this penis look like this?

I think sometimes
I don't know.
It's like, I'm a boy,
and there's things that I can't do.
So when I see kids doing whatever,
like wearing purple, I get so mad.
So I kick them to remind
them of what's what.
You see me being a jerk, but I'm a jerk
just so that you'll see me.

In reality, no one sees me.

And Ms. Roberts, I'm
I'm trapped.
Dang, Ms. Roberts!
You're married.
Bitch is so fucking horny, man.
I'm telling you.

What's this?
What are these keys for?
Last night, the guys and I were wasted
and found those, like, stuck in a fence.
Wait, what?
They were, like, placed, like,
probably for someone to find them.
To get in somewhere?
They're locked out now.
The envelope says, "Gracias, mamá."
So probably some lady who you don't know
got locked out late at night.
Jesus, you're mad at me now?
No. No, I'm not mad.
I'm just, like
I'm just confused.
Jesus, even my girlfriend
fucking hates me.
I didn't get the promotion!
I needed to blow off
some steam with the guys.
I had to fucking beg them to come out
because I'm not Jared.
When Jared texts the group thread,
all their fucking panties drop.
It's fucking crickets with me.
So then when I finally have
some fun and do a little prank,
you're here making me fucking feel bad.
Boop, boop.
Do you want to watch
"True Women of New York"?
Are you sure?

Can I get one of these?
Yeah, but you gotta make
sure you get it back to me,
because they have to
go to the scientist.
You know they say the
answers to all our problems
are hidden in our dreams.

Are you still rolling?
No, I'm not still rolling.
That's highly inappropriate, Bibo.
Well, grab your rubber ducky.
It's time for our shower.
Our what?
Sometimes I feel like
I just don't know you.
Um, hi.
Hi. Hello.
Um, I, uh I've been
having this recurring dream
How to react when someone
cries in front of you.
Uh, where, uh, I'm in a room,
uh, and I'm wearing this
tall, uh, cone-shaped hat.
Uh, the garment is silk
or maybe a cotton blend.
Doesn't doesn't matter.
But I'm sitting in this,
uh, contraption of sorts.
Very ingenious, actually.
It it allows me to, uh, read
without having to turn the page.
How to take a good photo where your
Do you know how annoying it is
to try and record a dream
while you're you're
listening to that?
Don't yell at me.
Sorry, I don't don't
don't mean to yell.
It's fine.
Um, so the contraption allows me to read
the entire book without
ever turning the page.
But then I can feel it
getting a little warm,
so I decide I want to open a window.
But then I get to the
window, and it leads nowhere.

I go to the next window, and I open it.
The same.
And then again.
And then I go to the next
window, and the same.
I try to open the door,
and it also leads nowhere.
Then I finally see a
door across the room.
That one does lead outside.
It's snowing now,
and people are are walking around,
all all uniformed
in these unremarkable
black puffer coats.
It's clear that if I go
out, I would have to wear
one of them in order to stay warm.
And then I see it
a black puffer coat with my name on it,
calling to me, saying,
"Come out and wear me."
I go back into the room, terrified,
but now the room is closing in.
So I try I try to leave,
but I I can't because
of my big, beautiful hat.
The only way I would be able to leave
is by compromising somehow.
But how?
And then I wake up.
End of dream.
Another one of these came.
Another one of what, Bibo?
Oh, just just put it with the rest.
Doesn't look important.
It's from your dun,
dun, dun landlord.
You read my mail?
With my X-ray vision.
Didn't open it, so not a crime.
It's very important.
Bibo, does this mole look bigger to you?
It kind of looks bigger to me.
I wasn't even worried about it,
but Chester just now was like,
"Oh, no, that looks really bad.
You should get it checked."
Do you think I should have it checked?
I mean, I think if you're
so worried about it,
you could get it checked.
You should have seen
you should have seen their face.
They were like, oh, my God, like,
jaw practically to the floor.
It says you have to move out.
They're turning the building
into a General Mills
Café and Residencies.
I should probably go to the doctor.
Julio, you need a new apartment.
And to get a new apartment,
you need proof of existence.
No, I can't think of the apartment,
because I'm I'm I'm I'm sick.
No, Julio, don't go into your thoughts.
Come back.
Look at the real problem.
I think it's grown.
It's grown.
It's definitely grown.
Oh, this is gonna be a whole thing.


Next Episode