Fantasmas (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

Valued Customer

And now a Vanesja moment.
I used to do this piece
where I'd go to restaurants
and pretend I got stood up.
I'd get my dinner for free,
and then I'd leave.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
But that night,
maybe it was the wine,
maybe it was the moon,
but I was so taken by the waiter.
Hey, what's up?
[CHUCKLES] You're clumsy.
I was leaving his dorm in the morning
when I noticed it for the first time.
A puzzling discovery.
An empty Gatorade bottle.
Soon, I'd learn that
all young, straight men
are obsessed with collecting
these in their bedroom.
Then I was at a completely
different restaurant,
served by a totally different waiter,
yet something felt familiar.
No matter what restaurant,
what waiter,
what dorm
same symbol.
Tell me about this piece right here.
What do you mean?
This altar.
The bottles.
Oh, it's whatever.
It's clearly not "whatever."
It was as if they made a pact.
Why won't you tell me about the bottles?
It's just, like,
with everything going on
with midterms right now,
I think I'm gonna
have to switch advisors.
Definitely if I want to go abroad.
Were they meant
to represent possibilities?
How's everything tasting?

Perhaps it wasn't for me to understand.
Perhaps their obtuseness
was a way of saying,
"Stay out of this, Vanesja.
"You have your life, your career,
"beautiful clothes.
We we have this."

Oh, OK.
Uh, let me get a rag for that.


[WHISPERING] Thank you.

Oh, OK, so so so wait.
Sorry, what about that?
This mole thingy is not the issue.
It's just a vessel for the issue.
And I lost it.
The point is,
your problem is not a mole.
It's that you need proof of existence
for an apartment.
By the way, I just got to your place.
Not to be vulgar,
but you're out of toilet paper.

- Welcome.
Uh, hi. Hi. Hello.
- Hi. Hello, hello.
- Hi, hi, hi.
Uh, I'm Julio. I'm an Aquarius.
I got struck by lightning
when I was a child,
and now I see the world
a little differently,
and I'm allergic to the color yellow.
90 seconds remaining.
Um, I I'm here because this
this mole has has, uh, grown.
No, it hasn't.
It's a birthmark.
- No, it it it has. It's grown.
- Yeah, I really don't think so.
I don't want to get sued
by an insurance company.
I'm just gonna tell him it's fine.
OK, you don't
you don't you don't think so.
But but that that means that
that it could have happened.
Well, it does not look suspicious to me.
Right, but you wouldn't be able to tell
if it's suspicious or not
unless you get a biopsy, right?
So so so you see what I mean?
- Like
- I see.
- Instead of wasting time
- 30 seconds remaining.
Your time, my time
maybe we can just go ahead
and order a biopsy.
If this were actually something,
you'd be in the, like, 0.0000000000
20 seconds remaining.
0000000001% of cases.
That's me, is the thing.
Have you been measuring it?
Are you sure it's grown?
Because it was the exact same size
as an earring that I lost
at a at a, um
like, a queer rave.
So if I find it, I could
I could I can prove to you
that it's that
that I know
I know we're running out of time,
but I can prove to you
that it's it's grown.
And and we can biopsy this
and and treat me.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sure.
Good luck with that,
patient in exam room five.
Thank you for choosing us.
Remember to take all your belongings.
The little oyster must be at the club.

Ugh, OK, so it's not here.
I mean, how small was it?
Well, OK.
Think of the smallest thing
you can think of.
Smaller than that.
Yay! It's Bibo!
What, Bibo? I'm busy.
You need to find an apartment
before they kick you out.
I called Mona.
She's waiting for you.

Look at this beauty.
She comes with keys to the mailbox.
Washer, dryer.
Um, there are family nights
in the movie lounge,
Kiehl's discounts, as well
as many other exclusive perks
that are available for your
convenience on the website.
I don't like it.
- You don't like it?
- No.
I I don't want my life
to revolve around, um, uh, perks.
Do you have anything
a little bit more unique,
like in a clock tower
or, like, through a well?
This place has a really special energy.
- I think you should apply.
You just have to show them proof.
I don't have proof ID.
No? Why?
Well, I I because I don't
I don't believe in it.
That's very cool.
- It's me.
I'm back in the big city.
I thought it'd be a shame if
I missed my favorite senator.
Our usual spot?
Same time?
Julio, did you get an apartment?
No, of course
I didn't get the apartment.
Everyone's asking
for that fucking thing.
Is your password still SoyDonnieDarko?
[WHISPERING] I know everything.
So this is it?
It's just, like, a website
that I fill out?
I believe so.
But they they're
I mean, they're asking
for stuff that, like
How would I even, like
first name, last name?
You know this, baby.

Come on.
Come on.

Come on.
Don't you think I should be focusing on
finding the oyster so I can prove that
the mole has grown and get a biopsy?
That's probably what I should be doing.
I know I lost it at the venue.
I'm so sure I did.
I just don't know how or

I was dancing with
that little influencer.
That's it.
I need to pump his little stomach.
I'll go find him right now
and take him to the urgent care.
Tell Bibo chili night is canceled.
I'm busy.
Welcome back to "Court TV Live,"
where we are about to hear testimony.
Girl, I am gagging
at this trial right now.
Please tell me you know
what is going on right now.
Child, this elf Dodo is my hero.
He's suing Santa for unpaid labor.
It's getting a little messy too.
No shade.
What was your understanding
of your agreement with Mr. Claus?
Uh, I heard him
Mr. Claus say
I remember
my understanding was
that we all
the elves, the reindeer,
Santa himself
we do it for the love of Christmas.
But that really wasn't the case, was it?
Because you noticed Mr. Claus
benefiting from your work.
That's right.
So Santa doesn't get paid, per se,
but he gets deals
with Coca-Cola, mall gigs,
movies, touring.
Not to mention, he gets milk and cookies
just for being who he is.
Dodo got Santa by the balls,
if you ask me.
I'm Team Dodo, no shade.
Santa got nothing on him.
I mean, people really
talking about this, though.
Girl, tell me why
my landlord came up to me
talking about some,
"Oh, the elves are trying
to cancel Christmas."
What? Girl, who says that?
On some da-da-da-da-da.
Oh, if the elves wanted to get paid,
they should just deliver
the presents themselves.
But who got the key to the sled?
BOTH: Santa.
Exactly. That's why I was saying.
I love somebody who stands up
for what they believe in,
and Dodo be doing that,
you know what I'm saying?
And not only is he doing it,
but he's doing it and doing it
and doing it well.
Wow. Hi, little consumers!
I just moved into the Bank
of America Residencies,
and the building is completely empty.
It is just me and the bestie,
bestie-turned-neighbor, Gina.
- Please don't come kill us.
- Where you going?
- I get it.
- Chester!
- Drive!
Oh, my bad!
Girl, they saw me coming.
They was gonna stop anyway.
Oh, yeah, OK.
Yeah, keep walking.
Wait, what?
There's no emoji for, "Hey,
not accusing you of anything,
but I think you swallowed my oyster"?
Ugh, these are not the emojis I need.
What I need is an emoji that is a garden
filled with broken statues,
each representing one of my exes.
That's for when someone texts me asking,
"Hey, who's at the club?"
An emoji that is one of the spoons
from "Beauty and the Beast"
finally getting turned back into a human
but then realizing he's still a servant.
Oh, I see.
That's for when you get
a promotion at work.
Grapes, sir?
An emoji of an orange
that contoured itself
to look like a peach.
You can use that when you text,
"Hey, I'm just getting ready."
An emoji of the planet Jupiter,
shocked when he realizes
that scientists have been
referring to him as a gas giant.
That's for when someone accidentally
texts something about you to you.
An emoji of me sitting
at the urgent care,
and the nurses recognizing me and going,
"Not this bitch again."
Uh, gender?
Any, uh, history of colon cancer?
You nasty.
Uh, any prescriptions?
That's me.
- Room 4.
- That's you.
There's an issue with this paperwork.
Sir, like I told you,
I simply cannot process this claim
because there is no way
of verifying that
the card belongs to the patient.
But the card belongs to the patient.
Who else would the card belong to?
Sir, like I said, there is a discrepancy
on the information you are giving me
and the information that we
have on file for said patient.
Yes, but that's because
what you have on file
is that he was born on 24/08,
which is clearly a typo.
There's no 24th month.
Oh, by the way,
if it helps, I'm smiling warmly.
I'm sorry, but rules are rules.
[ECHOING] Rules are rules.
Assembly Plan Insurance.
How can I help you today?
What do you mean?
This is the 10th time I've called.
As a loyal insurance
customer service rep,
there's nothing
that excited me more than
when a valued customer gets
What do you mean
there's nothing you can do?
That's the power
of working in insurance.
They can kick.
They can scream.
Hell, they can be right,
and I can know it.
But I am a soldier for the company,
a defender of the rules.
Assembly Plan Insurance is the company,
and I am his sword.
I'm sorry.
There's simply nothing I can do.
- What do you mean, an hour?
- Nothing you can do?
However, you are a valued customer.
I began toying with them by saying,
"How can I help you today?"

But there are disloyal
soldiers in our ranks.
Sometimes it's just like,
why can't we just apologize
and help these people?
But, like, don't yell at me.
It's not my fault Assembly Plan sucks.
You don't mean to insinuate
Assembly Plan does not
value our customers?
It's a fucked-up system.
It's a flawless system.
Designed by flawless minds
and entrusted to us.

God, I love insurance
and banks and credit cards
and the military, law, and order.
I pity those who do not stand behind us.
Well, now that I'm manager,
we'll try and be a little
more human with the customer.
- Nice!
Did she say manager?
I have been working here
for seven years,
and the president's daughter
gets promoted?
Does she even care about Assembly Plan?
About our rules, our customs,
our way of life?
Assembly Plan wouldn't
betray me like that.

I'm manager now.

It'll be an honor to serve you.

This cannot be.
They must pay.
I'm not a sword.
I'm a brick.
A brick on the grand wall
of Assembly Plan.
They don't care about me.
If they don't care about me, just like
they don't care about
valued customers, then fine.
Anarchy shall reign.
I will burn it all to the ground.
I will scorch the earth.

I will use the computer
for personal use!

I will take my vacation days
for a year from now
and not alert my supervisor
till 10 months before!
I need to feel.
What have I done?
What have I done?
Assembly Plan needs me.
Be reasonable, Becca.
You can undo this.
- Why won't it let me?
Why won't it let me?

Hi. How can I help you today?
I booked a flight on your airline,
and I think I need to cancel it.
Uh, mind your tone.
- May I have your unique
- My tone?
Reference number, ma'am?
- My what?
- Your unique reference number.
- My reference?
- Go ahead.
No, you go ahead.
The number, ma'am.
You want my unique reference number?
How can I trust you with that?
Give it to me, Becca.
- You want it?
- I need it.
As in Apple?
- 3.
- Yes.
I cannot cancel it.
- It cannot be canceled.
- Why?
The rules.
They state I can cancel within 24 hours.
You bought it
through a third-party site.
That says I should call you.
So we can tell you that.
That's nasty.
Watch your tone.
That's nasty!
My hands are tied.
You tied them.
I cannot help you.
I will not help you.
But rest assured
- Say it.
- Say what?
What am I?
You are a
- customer.
And don't forget to rate us
after this call.

I'm sorry, but rules are rules.
However, you are a valued customer.
Oh, I have to go.
Sorry. Hi.
Hi. How'd it go?
I don't have any diamonds in my tummy.
That's not the answer
we were hoping for.
The X-rays don't show anything abnormal.
His esophagus shows no lesions,
which it would
if he had swallowed an earring.
- No lesions in the esophagus?
- None.
That's a shock to both of us.
I'm sorry. That was inappropriate.
I'm just in a bad mood.
Um, OK.
And now you need to let go of this.
- OK.
- OK.
- You're right.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll just find the oyster
and prove to you that my mole has grown.

Hi, consumers.
So today is Bi Visibility Day.
And to celebrate all the bis
around the world,
I have teamed up with Clorox,
the all-gender-inclusive germ killer.
Hi, consumers.
So today is Bi Visibility Day.
And to celebrate all the bis
around the world,
I have teamed up with Clorox,
the all-gender


Can I borrow your charger?
What's wrong?
What the fuck do you care?
I've been a wreck all week.
Charles left me.
I have to move out.
And I don't even know where to start,
and I can't get this fucking
Tibetan Kabbalah
whatever string off he gave me!
Wait, wait.
Why do you have to move out?
Because he pays for everything, genius!
Oh, that's so fucked up!
I'm gonna ask if I can post about this.
This is, like, cancelable stuff.
For what?
[LAUGHS] I'm 32.
That's the whole fucking problem!
I knew I shouldn't have eaten
all of that pasta.
But he took me to Italy,
and I just kept eating
and eating and eating.
And then I'd come home
and I'd Peloton to death,
and then I can't even show off
the new tits I got for him,
which guess what.
Too fake!
Natural is in!
So then I push them down
so that they can fall naturally.
And it's like, for what?
You know, who am I?
Babe, you're beautiful.
And I know exactly
what you're going through.
I've been there.
I've been there.
You will.
No, like, I've been there.
Like, all men are trash.
That's not what I mean.
What are you gonna do
when all of this ends, huh?
What is "all of this"?
You think you can just live
off of moving your tight little body
and sticking your tongue out
for forever?
Well, TikTok is really
just like a stepping stone.
Stepping stone to what?
My brand.

Of what?
I told you!
So those perfume bottles
you draw in that empty notebook
you bring to Fire Island every year?
They're throwing money at you right now.
They're paying for you to live
in a nice apartment for a year.
Celebrities pay you
to pretend to be their friends,
all because they want
young people to want them.
And your little consumers
are young people for now.
But, you know, you'll age.

And then your little consumers will age.
And then those people will get old,
and then a new crop of little
sheep will just pop up,
and they'll have their own style.
And I know you're probably thinking,
but what about my acting career?
That's not it. My acting career.
Sure. You know, go for it.
But do it fast.
You won't be young forever.

You're insane.
Come on.
No problem, no problem.
Hey, um, do you think
I'll ever, like, be over?
Like, fall off?
Nah, boss.
Look, I love the new TikTok.
Come on.
Um, which one?
Yeah, this is good.
Yeah, which one?
Oh, no, this is
this is that new app, RealUs.
My baby niece showed it to me.
All her friends on it.
Yo, it's so fun are you on it?
[CHUCKLES] Should I be?
I don't know.
Nah, you know,
everybody on it
is in, like, middle school.

That's, like, right before
high school, right?
It's good, though.

Ask them what happened
to Vine and MySpace.
Who's there?



Cheap charger.
It is I, that who gives
and that who takes.
Hi, algorithm.
Skyler, my dear Skyler.
What were you doing?
I was trying to make
a profile on that new app.
And why would you be
doing that, my dear?
We need you on your app
with those your age.
They listen to you.
OK, but how long are they going to care?
Are you not grateful for
the gifts we've given to you?
Are you not grateful for
the gifts of the algorithm?
OK, I am.
But, like, what if TikTok disappears?
Or or what if it becomes
something that I'm not?
You are but stardust, my dear.
A drop in gray tides,
your skills nontransferable.
And no, none of these brands will care.
You're a building block
in a never-ending tower.
I'll be honest with my followers.
I'll leave it all behind if I have to.
They already left you behind.
Hi, my little consumers.
It's me, Skyler.
Ah! We love you, Skyler.
You have such nice
OMG, shoot me!
He's so hot!
Oh, your comments are so sweet.
And I'm so humbled by all the love.

Goodbye, Skyler.

Hi, my little consumers.
I've teamed up with Dark Water,
this new company
that sells super soft
Sir, like we told you,
we cannot biopsy without a referral.
OK, see, that's a that's a problem,
because I've spoken to seven
different doctors
- Julio
- And I'm starting
When was the last time you got laid?
Bibo! Who taught you that?
When was the last time you came?
Maybe Bibo's right.
I need to let this go and live my life.
Be a person, be a human,
be a happy, happy
Are you tired of all this?
Why not give it up
and allow yourself to be happy?
It's OK.
Free yourself from
the burden of having a body.
No body, no pain.
Learn about our incorporeal services
and upload yourself today.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode