Farzar (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

Save the Reaper Demons

In the arms of the angel ♪
Fly away from here ♪
[woman] Many people don't know
this poor, hungry creature
is on the verge of extinction.
I'm speaking, of course,
about the reaper demon.
[woman] These innocent creatures
are shrieking nightmarishly for your love.
You can save the reaper demons
for the price
of a cup of Blarn milk a day.
Will you be an angel for a helpless demon?
Find ♪
Some comfort here ♪
Who the hell is dumb enough to start
a foundation to save the reaper demons?
I'm calling that number and giving
that idiot a piece of my mind.
[phone chimes]
Save the reaper demons.
Fichael, keep it down.
I'm trying to talk to this dumbass.
Dad, keep it down.
I'm trying to talk to this dumbass.
Will you two keep it down?
I'm trying to talk to President Banana.
Are you fucking my wife, President Banana?
Hello? Hello! [sighs]
Thanks, you two. Well,
my first non-Fichael donor just hung up.
Wait, you started Save the Reaper Demons?
Are you fucking nuts?
Dad, if we don't help them,
they're gonna go extinct.
I want them to go extinct.
You never heard of the Reaper Demon War?
Oh, yeah. I only let the schools
teach the wars we won.
It was a shit show.
I mean, not me. I was modestly heroic.
But then my bone spurs started acting up
and the reaper demons killed, like,
four billion people.
Well, you'll change
your tune on reaper demons
once you see how lovable mine is.
He's in the sanctuary I built for him.
You built a what?
Domestic-violence-bot, get in here.
I'm only doing this
because I'm angry at myself.
Stop it, Renzo!
Fichael's built that sanctuary
with his hard-earned money.
Which reminds me,
here's your allowance, dear!
Thank you, Mommy.
I love your golden showers!
The kind she gives me
smells like sour Blarn milk and ammonia.
Renzo, you will visit his sanctuary.
It'll be a great father-son day.
Did I ever tell you about the time
my father took me to the most in
All right, Fichael,
I guess your mom's forcing me to take
a look at your happy horseshit sanctuary.
Is the coast clear, baby?
[adventurous music playing]
Farzar ♪
[rock music playing]
I'm so depressed.
I had a chance to take over the human city
and instead I made a fool of myself
and became a dragon's butt plug.
Don't worry, Master.
I'm sure everyone's forgotten about that.
Hey, look! It's the dragon's butt plug!
I'll never forget that.
That memory's locked in forever.
I suggest you shut your mouth, Trondo,
because if you don't,
I'm gonna kick my friend's ass.
- What?
- Oh, just let me do it.
It'll make me look tough. [grunting]
What's this thing made of?
It's harder than a reaper demon's asshole.
Could you break this
and stab yourself in the eyeball, please?
Oh, wait. Wait. He left.
Cheer up, Master.
Bazarack Show of Force Day is tomorrow.
You always love
showing off your scorpion tank.
I do love a subtle military parade.
Last year was fun.
[rock music playing]
She's got tentacles
That were eight feet long ♪
I want to love you, pretty baby
All night long! ♪
Oh. I love this band!
They rhymed "long" with "long."
I wish you would have let me drive.
I'm fine. You want to help me
so fucking bad, give me your boot.
What for?
Oh God.
Now put it back on
before it starts to stink.
Holy shit! I'd kick a flerben
in the spore pouch for some hash browns.
Hey, tell me when we get close
to Plorpus's Pancake Pod,
'cause I think I just went blind.
There it is.
What are you gonna do? Arrest me?
What are you gonna do? Shank me?
What are you gonna do?
Bake me a cake and be my best friend?
Oh, now it doesn't work, huh?
[ominous music plays]
Dad, I'm so glad that you're coming
to see the reaper demon I rescued
and that you invited the whole gang
to come along.
But why are they heavily armed?
In case of space pirates.
Oh, I hate space pirates.
They ruin everything.
Dad, can you take me fishing?
I can't. Space pirates
killed all the fish.
I think I'm allergic to Blarn milk.
Can you take me to the hospital?
Nope, space pirates blew it up.
What's going on here?
Space pirates, mon.
Here we are, the Reaper Demon Sanctuary.
All right, the plan is to get in there
and kill that reaper demon
before it knows what hit him.
It should be easy since it's in captivity.
What? Wait, you're gonna kill it?
Oh, Fichael will be devastated.
I mean,
I would warn him, but it's Mama's day off.
I'm gonna puke in my purse later.
We must kill it.
They are abominations. Mistakes of nature.
Ha ha, freaks.
Me Billy! Hey!
Look, I can't wait
to finally slay me a reaper demon,
but if I wanted to kill things in cages,
I'd go to PetSmart. [chuckles]
You know, 'cause I kill puppies.
It's not like I love them
or boop their little noses.
Look, I say we set this thing free
and have some real fucking fun.
Trust me, you don't wanna do that.
Their intelligence
surpasses dogs, Fichael,
and even that chicken
that picks the sports teams.
They are built to kill, and have
razor-sharp claws and acid blood.
Basically, super fucking scary.
I mean, not to me, but
Howdy, folks!
I'm Reapey the Reaper Demon! [chuckles]
Blast that motherfucker!
Dad, that's not a reaper demon.
It's our mascot.
I know.
Let's get inside already.
My trigger finger is getting horny.
Welcome to the Reaper Demon Sanctuary,
Entry is only $299.99 cents a ticket.
Sorry, gals, we charge by the head,
not by the vagina.
Thank goodness, for Billy
has many hidden vaginas.
See? Why you think
Billy like tap dancing so much?
Hi. Hello. Your outfit doesn't match.
Listen, my military parade is today
and I can't drive my scorpion tank 'cause
some asshole cop took away my license.
If you want a new license,
you'll have to pass a driver's test.
Fine, whatever,
but I'm taking my license photo now,
because I brought this photography crew.
I'm happy!
I'm coy. I'm a tiger.
Now I want a fall look.
Drop those fake leaves on me
and give me a tasseled plaid scarf.
You! Find my kimono.
I want to be a geisha with a dark secret.
I can't believe you talked me
into the gold member VIP pass.
But at least I got this.
Can Billy stomp on that later, please?
The reaper demon enclosure
is right this way.
Whoa, that's weird.
[suspenseful music plays]
Well, this just got fun.
Oh, shit. This is bad.
- I know, it must have been space pirates!
- The reaper demon did this!
There's no such thing
as space pirates, you idiot!
What? How could you lie to me
all those years?
Uh, space pirates made me.
Oh, okay. Well, I'm gonna give
that reaper demon a stern talking-to!
Stern talking-to?
We'll be lucky if it doesn't kill us all!
That reaper demon could be anywhere.
Sure could!
I'm getting the hell out.
You can't get out that way.
You have to exit through the gift shop.
Where's the goddamn gift shop?
Would you like a map, sir?
They're free for platinum members.
Ooh, you're only a gold.
- Well, would you like to upgrade?
- What are the blackout dates? Oh!
What am I saying?
Just give me the damn map!
The gift shop is conveniently located
all the way on the other side
of the sanctuary?!
We're all gonna die!
Relax. We can't die.
We're all backed up to the cloud, right?
Oh, that's just me? [laughs]
I'm gonna enjoy watching this shit!
Enough talk. Everybody gear up.
Billy can't even hold guns!
Billy start to think Mr. Barry
not do very good job when he make Billy.
Wow, someone's having their foot period.
I brought a secret weapon.
Meet Squiggles.
There is nothing more dangerous
than a 4'11" redheaded man.
Life fed him a turd sandwich,
and he's pissed off about it.
Look at him. He needs two hands
to eat a goddamn apple.
You think he's pissed now? [chuckles]
Watch this!
He wears a child's medium,
and he hates that I told you that!
You look like the type of guy
who would take a bribe.
I'm in a hurry, so go ahead and pass me
now and I'll make it worth your while.
Did you just put a pancake into my pocket?
Yeah, and there's more
where that came from.
Oh, look, it's my little friend,
Jimmy Dean.
I don't take bribes.
Are we sure about that?
Let's just get the driving test started.
Put your hands at ten and two.
Oh, I guess you do take bribes.
Wait! What are you doing?
Putting my hands at ten and two.
Your ten-incher and your two clankers.
From what I'm feeling,
ten inches is a little off. More like 12.
Mm. Congrats.
Ten and two on the wheel of the vehicle!
Now use your left turn signal.
Where the hell is that?
Well, it's gotta be one of these buttons.
[mysterious music plays]
[dance music playing]
Holy shit, this thing has time travel?!
Hey, Clitaris, I found your wife's family.
Well, you would get it if you were here.
[Renzo] The shortest path to the gift shop
is through
the Little Reaper Romper Rec Room,
then past the Raging River Rapid
Reaper Roller Coaster,
and left at Granny Reaper's
Old-Fashioned Funnel Cake Kiosk.
We're not leaving
until we hunt this thing down.
We ain't hunting shit. We're getting
the hell out of this deathtrap.
I kind of like it here.
I guess we're doing it my way.
Man, this is getting good. I hope he eats
that fat, gap-toothed fucker first.
Shh! Don't ruin the show,
you fat, gap-toothed fucker!
[beeping speed increases]
[all scream]
Damn it. If we're gonna die,
I have a confession to make.
I wear women's deodorant.
Oh, I thought this would start
a string of confessions
of your most embarrassing secrets.
No one else wants to chime in?
Real cool, guys.
Real fucking cool.
- Yeah, I'd like to make a complaint.
- I am so sorry about this, sir.
I'd like to offer you an open, half-eaten
box of Reapees Pieces on the house.
That's more like it. They're my favorite.
Okay, this is a four-way stop.
Who has the right of way?
The guy with the fucking scorpion tank!
Why are you making me parallel park?
Turning the wheel left and the car
goes right? What sort of sorcery is this?
You need to maintain a car length between
you and the vehicle in front of you.
If I do that, how am I gonna read
the funny bumper stickers?
"Don't blame me. I voted for Blark Flarm."
Take that, you fucking liberal!
Wait a minute, what are you writing?
I've got my own clipboard.
I'm gonna write things about you,
see how you like it.
Oh shit. We drove off a cliff.
Come on, Renzo. They don't know
how scared you are on the inside,
or that you don't know
how to do inner monologue.
We have the advantage because
the reaper demon doesn't know we're here.
Oh, he definitely knows we're here.
He can smell his own kind,
and Billy is 1% reaper demon.
What part of Billy is reaper demonses?
Well, the most important part, Billy.
Your asshole.
That's Reaper Demon all right.
Why in hell's place
would you give Billy a reaper puckerstar?
Because they're indestructible,
and dishwasher-safe.
Barry, bad scientist.
Do terrible jobs making Billy.
Billy must go
so no put friends in dangers.
Billy, wait!
[sentimental music plays]
We ain't friends,
you Noah's Ark-looking motherfucker.
Ooh, punching down is fun!
It's for the best. Now that reaper demon
won't be able to sniff us out.
It can probably still smell
the Lady Speed Stick you're wearing.
Well, fuck me
for sharing something personal.
Keep playing and I'll pull
the pin out this little fucker.
I just remind him he needs to sit
on a phone book to get his hair cut
and we're all dead.
You think we're trapped
with the reaper demon?
He's trapped in here with Squiggles!
If Squiggles is so tough,
why are you scared?
I'm not scared.
Oh shit, what's that?
Reaper demon! Eat him!
For our visually impaired viewers,
he's using his penis to make the shadow.
For our hearing impaired viewers
[louder]he's using his penis
to make the shadow!
Barry, you know they can see it, right?
Maybe nobody told you, but I'm an idiot.
There. Now, the door is sealed shut.
We may be trapped in here,
but at least the reaper demon can't
get us, since he's definitely not in here.
You tricky bitch!
Kill that clever motherfucker!
Time to use RPG. Redheaded Puny Guy.
But first, I've got to load it.
We all know Squiggles is
a sawed-off fucksting that everyone hates,
but he doesn't want you to see
this picture of him riding
a Cocker Spaniel like a horse!
Now listen, the reaper demon
is indestructible from the outside.
So I want you to dive down his throat
and bust out of his chest guns a-blazing!
[bagpipes playing]
[Renzo] Squiggles!
Get up, Squiggles! Come on, get mad!
Even your bones are a joke.
You look like a cat skeleton!
Everybody run!
No! No! No!
[laughs] No prize for you.
Oh, look, the reaper demon's sad
because he's out of tokens.
- I got one here.
- What you doing, motherfucker?
Scootie, get out of there!
I ain't scared of this ugly bitch.
I can't die, remember?
I'm backed up to the cloud! See?
Backup files corrupt? Oh well,
I'll do another backup now. I'm on 5G.
It says it'll only take two seconds.
Seven minutes.
Eight days?! Infinity?!
Oh shit! Fichael,
I need your WiFi password!
Sorry. We only give that out
with a purchase from the gift shop.
Go! Go! Go!
[reaper demon screeching]
At least tell everyone I died
doing what I love.
Getting fucked up!
Come and get it, you son of a bitch!
Huh. Why is everything wicker this fall?
Hey baby, my heart is racing ♪
Doo doo doo doo doo ♪
I need you now and you got me chasin' ♪
Doo doo doo doo doo ♪
My soul is whippin'
And my heart is skippin' ♪
I'm upside-down
And my brain is flippin' ♪
I tell you, baby
That you got me trippin' ♪
My whole world is you ♪
You, doo doo doo doo doo ♪
I wanna be with you, you ♪
Nothin' else I'd rather do ♪
We have to be quiet in the library.
Doo doo doo doo doo ♪
Come on, come on, come on with me ♪
There's a whole world we can see, yeah ♪
I give you my love, go on take it ♪
My whole world is you ♪
You, doo doo doo doo doo ♪
I wanna be with you ♪
You, nothin' else I'd ♪
What are you doing, Scootie?
Water skiing. What's it look like?
Wow, compensating much?
Oh, great. Look who it is. Trondo.
Hey, it's the dragon's butt plug
and his wank tank.
Like my new ride? Let's race!
Ugh, I fucking hate that guy.
But if I race him, you're gonna fail me.
You are the worst driver I've ever seen,
and I'm pretty sure
you sexually assaulted me.
You've already failed, but that guy Trondo
over there is banging my wife.
You want to pass, kick his ass!
[engines rev]
I want you to forget
everything I told you!
You You told me stuff?
- Pull into that bike lane!
- There are bikes in the bike lane!
Whoo! Fuck, yeah!
I feel alive!
Hey, driving instructor! Your wife says
she misses that 12-inch dick of yours!
This guy's bad at insults!
- Yeah!
- We lost.
This baby has time travel, remember?
I'm gonna travel back
before the race started
and do a little something
to tip the scales into our favor.
And I'm going to name him Trondo.
[laser gun shots]
We gotta go, we gotta go!
We won! Time to celebrate!
You still gotta pass me. A deal's a deal!
Table for one.
Hello, you dopey bitch.
That Bazarack was the best driver
I've ever seen.
I'll sign whatever form says that he gets
his driver's license back immediately.
Just tell me what my name is
and how to spell it.
Bow before the might of Bazarack!
[bell jingles]
My enemies tremble at my very sight!
[horn honks]
If we follow this path, we should be
directly under the gift shop soon.
I'm sorry I got you into this mess, guys.
I guess you were right.
The reaper demon really is a monster.
I'm proud of you
for admitting you were wrong, son.
I have something to admit
about the Reaper Demon War.
Men, we will never let those damn
reaper demons take our beloved planet.
- We may die, but we will never surrender.
- They're right behind you, sir.
- [screeches]
- Reaper demons!
You can have the planet
and kill all these guys.
I was even more brave than I said I was.
I got the Snuffle Snart munchies, and
there's not even a snack bar in the sewer.
This place is bullshit.
Ooh! Sewer pizza!
A CL300 plasma pulse rifle saw
with reaper piercing rounds?
Uh, okay, why are we wet? Wait!
- [Val screams]
- [Mal] Ah. Clever girl!
Urban robot? Girl monster?
Ooh. Are those Mother's?
Where is everybody?
I don't like this, Fichael!
Squiggles, you're alive!
You're my best friend, you scared-
of-the-bathtub-drain motherfucker.
Dad! [screams]
[Renzo] Somebody help! This thing's got
silverware and a bib with my face on it.
There's something I need to do
before I leave.
It's hard to pass up a 10% off sale.
Huh. Look at that. Turns out I'm a racist.
Oh well, I've done my part.
Get away from him, you bitch!
Kill it, Fichaels!
In the arms of an angel ♪
Fly away from here ♪
Billy! Are you okay, son?
Billy okay thanks to his incredible body
and tough asshole my father made me.
Billy sorry he say Barry bad scientist.
Now you get it, Billy.
Only a good scientist
would give you an elephant leg
with a vagina on the bottom
that you drag around in dirt.
Did you kill the reaper demon, son?
If not, I'm nuking this bitch.
Yeah. I killed him and then he turned
to ash like a Dracula and floated away.
- You let him go, didn't you?
- Yeah, I did.
Because it's my mission
to see that no harm comes to any aliens.
[doorbell rings]
My driver's license!
Seems odd, since I didn't pass.
Plus this driver's license is slimy
and glowing and looks like it has a pulse.
I'm gonna grab it anyway.
What the hell's happening? Shit!
What the fuck did I do?
Squiggles ain't nothing to fuck with! ♪
[adventurous music playing]
Previous EpisodeNext Episode