Farzar (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

St. Pudchuggers Day

Love is in the air
all over Farzar this day.
Everyone hugs their sweetie.
Everyone smooches their bae.
Whispers of sweet nothings
make hearts flutter away,
for it's the most romantic time of year,
St. Pudchugger's Day.
It's February 13th! Oh!
I just love St. Pudchugger's Day.
Renzo, dear, here's our itinerary
for our romantic night.
Let's see.
"Eight o'clock, cuddling.
8:15, gentle kisses."
"8:30, stick a can of crescent rolls
in my ass and pop it with a spoon."
It will be a royal, raw fuck fest!
Good, there's more.
"9:30, ill-tempered raccoons
eat hot garbage out of my butt crack."
No notes. "9:55, squash my nuts
in a waffle iron."
Yada, yada, "Giant zucchini."
I do see one problem.
You scheduled a 10:30 bathroom break.
Who needs a commode when you can dump
that hot ass chili right on my chest?
You really do love me.
I wouldn't miss this painful, degrading,
sex-filled night with you for anything.
Just got to take care
of some business first.
Happy Pudchugger's Day, sex clone.
It's once again time to pretend to be me
and bang my wife so I don't have to.
Tell me again
why having marathon nightmare sex
once a year with an old lady
saves the universe?
We go through this every year.
It involves dark matter or some shit.
- I don't have time to explain.
- Well, good enough for me.
Better get to it then.
Why the hell
did I put a chandelier in here?
Goddamn my elegant taste.
Farzar ♪
I want to ask Val on a date
for Pudchugger's Day,
but I'm worried
I'm gonna make a fool of myself.
The first thing you need to do
is stop deep-throating hot dogs.
I stress eat.
Ready for some chaos?
Why is that mustard brown?
Wait, this isn't mustard.
This is mushed turd!
God, who sells this?
Trader Joe's. You know white people
will buy anything.
Who did this to me?
Not cool, Billy.
I can't ask out Val like this.
It not Billy. It was Zobo.
He is chaos-celot.
Zobo is a cute little baby
who can't even speak,
and it would take someone intelligent,
like you, Billy,
to plan an elaborate
shit-in-a-mustard-bottle prank.
I'm afraid I have no choice
but to give you the ultimate punishment.
Billy don't deserve
the rubber band of shame, hey.
Billy must prove Zobo chaos-celot.
Just get this toilet off me before Val
- Before Val what?
- Oh.
Val, Fichael has something
he wants to ask you.
No, I don't!
Don't be shy. What is it?
Uh, will you be my Pudchugger?
Aw, he shit on his card before I could.
Oh, of course I'll be your Pudchugger.
What? How low is your self-esteem?
Oh, very. I had a romantic dream
just like this.
I had the same dream.
Did yours end with me killing you both?
Barry's weird comments
make him seem insane.
All those nervous breakdowns
must have damaged his brain.
Is anyone else hearing that voice?
I colored his nose blue,
but a clown's nose is red.
So who wipes the butt
and who sniffs the toilet paper?
Sometimes I like to cut the eyes
out of pictures of women in magazines.
Wow. You're so artistic.
Kiss me.
Oh, okay.
Doing everything wrong,
but it's working. How's your guy doing?
Uh, better than usual.
Billy need evidence
to prove Zobo chaos-celot,
and you only ones who know secret.
I have two questions.
What are you?
And what the fuck are you?
Uh, me Billy. Hey.
I need bony, yellow woman
help to prove Zobo is chaos-celot.
And why would I help you,
you Noah's Ark-looking asshole?
We did that one already?
We're already running out of these?
Oh, boy. This is gonna be a long season.
Billy understand.
You clearly too important for Billy, hey.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Wait a second. You think I'm important?
Well, cop a squat, friend.
What else do you like about me?
Uh, pointy crotch.
See? I told you these crotch spikes
were a great idea.
I don't care that I caught lockjaw
trying to piss. I don't.
Now, about your chaos-celot,
I found him in his crash-landed ship
in the desert regions.
I'll bet that ship
holds the evidence you need.
You can take Billy there maybe?
Of course, but first,
since we're best friends,
I want to show you my room.
I've never had a best friend
in my room before.
Let's play Farzar.
I'll be Renzo and you be me.
"Hey, Bazarack, you've got skinny legs
and everybody hates you."
"I'm Bazarack."
I'm gonna take over your city and make you
kneel before my fierce eyebrows."
Holy shit, you suck at impressions.
Barry, I need some help.
- Can I show you my new invention first?
- Nope.
- Yes.
- It's a say-yes-a-tron.
Now, no one will turn me down
for a date ever again.
Never mind that shit.
I need a new sex clone before 8 p.m.
8 p.m.? It took me six months
to grow the last one.
Then I'll do it myself.
- Can I use your cloning machine?
- No.
Well, let me ask you again using this.
See, you're not the only one
who can be a scientist.
I just added some extra DNA powder,
turned these knobs up to 800, and
What the fuck?
I think I got it right this time.
Bing-bang-boom, dick titties.
I am Agent Clappers.
Who the hell was that?
I don't know. Didn't even
bing-bang-boom sound like me.
Well, this one's perfect.
What the fuck was I thinking
with these goddamn chandeliers?
Hey, how'd your first date
end up with Val?
Well, what do you think?
Don't you think
this is a little premature?
I'm hoping Val likes a lot of things
little and premature.
Now how long should I wait to call her?
Oh, at least three
Seconds? Cool!
I was thinking the same thing.
Then Mal got an idea.
An awful idea.
Mal had a wonderful, awful idea.
Oh, uh, Val? Yeah, you know, she says
she doesn't want to talk to you.
Val thinks it's not really gonna work out,
'cause you two are too different.
I mean, you really think she'd ever be
into a guy with only one head?
Yes. I I understand.
Val doesn't wanna date me anymore
'cause I only have one stupid head.
You wouldn't happen to have any extra
heads lying around, would you, Barry?
Oh, sure, Fichael.
I have a bunch of frozen heads
behind this wall.
Oh, well, thanks anyway.
I'm sorry. I can't control my sarcasm
due to a medical condition.
It's a real problem.
Anyway, your dad executes a lot of people
and I get to keep the heads.
Job perk.
I can thaw out one of these babies
and give you a second head in a jiffy.
Oh, that's great!
We just gotta make sure that it's not
more handsome or smarter than I am.
Notice anything different about me?
There's Zobo's ship.
Man, this trip was tiring.
Set me down in the shade.
That sand looks hot.
There's the ship's log. All right, let's
see where this little fucker comes from.
It says this ship departed
from Zarno S-9000. Here's the video.
Oh my God!
Billy scared.
Did you see what he did to that planet?
This is the worst thing I've ever seen!
That was horrible.
But probably the only thing worse
would be hearing it and not seeing it.
Talk about sticking it in your mouth,
but not sucking.
Oh, yeah, chug it! Chug it! Chug it!
Your new head is the life of the party,
Fichael. Unlike you.
- Uh, I'm just not in the mood.
- Cheer up.
I'll let you wear my grasstronaut suit.
What? I'm always looking
for creative ways to do drugs.
Drugs won't make me feel better.
That's all they fucking do!
I don't know what to do about Val.
Our second date was terrible.
Cucumber! Cucumber! Cucumber!
Cucumber! Cucumber!
Cucumber! Cucumber!
I'm a zucchini, you racist fuck.
Man, that was a weird date with Fichael.
I mean, where'd he get the dumb idea
to get a second head?
Oh, no idea, but I'm sure
you're breaking up with him, right?
Hmm, I don't know.
I had fun on our first date.
But now I'm regretting inviting him
to my friend's Pudchugger wedding.
- I hope he doesn't show up with two heads.
- I'm sure he won't.
Sorry, Fichael, I was wrong. I thought
she'd like that you had two heads,
but she kind of wishes you had more heads.
So where's your date?
Oh, I'm sure he'll be rolling up
any minute now.
I hope you don't mind.
I brought a few friends.
Say hello, guys.
Woot, woot!
Down in front!
Hey, Val, this wedding's fun.
Listen, Fichael, we have a problem.
You're afraid of Draculas.
Just like me.
No, you're a ball of heads,
and I wanna break up.
It's not you.
It's you and you and you and you and you.
Fuck you.
Don't act like
this isn't about your commitment issues.
And also, cucumber!
With only mere hours
until his marathon debasement,
Renzo auditioned actors
to be his sexual replacement.
Rocket Rockowski here
for the role of Renzo's sex clone.
I'm a triple threat.
I sing, I dance, and my dad threatened
to kill my dog if I don't get this part.
Well, Rocket, we'll have to figure out
the makeup, but you got the part.
And he's OD'd on heroin.
What is this? A robot can't play me.
First of all, I'm a cyborg.
Second, I'm not auditioning. He is.
Hey, Flammy, my queen.
I am Renzo. Have your way with me.
- Next!
- Rocket Rockowski here.
I'm back, and I'm clean,
and I've already relapsed. Goodbye.
I really liked Fichael.
Why would he ruin everything
by turning himself into a ball of heads?
What's going on with your face?
- What do you mean?
- You're smiling.
I haven't seen you smile since I broke up
with my high school boyfriend,
who also inexplicably
turned himself into a ball of heads!
Come to think of it, my college boyfriend
also turned himself into a ball of heads.
Ah! You! You were behind this.
Why did you ruin my relationships?
Because those guys
weren't good enough for you.
And they were annoying as shit,
but look, I wasn't trying to hurt you.
Oh, bull dookie.
You're just jealous
of anything I love besides you.
That's not true.
I guess since it's over
between me and Val,
I'll get you guys removed
and put back on ice first thing tomorrow.
What if we don't want to go back on ice?
What if we want to put you on ice?
That sounds like something
a criminal would say.
Wait a minute!
Yeah, see.
Ah, you're all criminals!
Why do you think your dad executed us?
Now it's time to take you out.
Wait, you've always said
you wanted to get revenge on the Czar.
We need the prince alive to get to Renzo.
Mal felt bad
about screwing over her sister,
so she went to fix things
with the dork who had pissed her off.
Goddamn it, I was doing so well!
Okay, we'll keep this dummy around
long enough to get our revenge,
then we'll kill the prince.
Change of plans.
Wait a second, if we're going
on a crime spree, I wanna rob a bank.
I want to burn down a building.
And I want to flash nuns in the park.
Okay, we can rob a bank,
burn down a building, flash nuns,
then kill Renzo,
and then take out the prince.
Anything else you heads wanna do?
I say we seize a fetching, young damsel
and tie her to a railroad track.
How fucking long have you been frozen?
Can you believe what that chaos-celot
monster did to Zarno S-9000?
We must do somethings
before Zobo do same thing to this planet.
I've got it!
We'll trap him in my kill cube.
Kill cube? But Billy no want hurt Zobo.
Oh, did I say kill cube?
I meant chill cube.
It'll just trap him,
and he'll chill happily ever after.
Oh, sound nice, big guy.
We need to lure Zobo out of dome
so we can catch him in chill cube.
I'll handle this.
I'm in an improv troupe
called Spon-zaneous.
Is this Zobo?
Yes, this is
Sand. Ceiling.
Bazarack. Shit!
I see your judgy face.
- I'd like to see you do better.
- Hey there, good buddy.
Cletus here
with Hodge Brothers Wrecking and Towing.
We have towed and impounded
your space vehicle.
And you better come on out of the dome
and claim it
before you start racking up a storage fee.
You don't want to do that.
Trust me, buddy.
All right. I'll see you soon.
Wow, if you were any worse at improv,
you'd be one of those
Fuck you, Billy!
I've got you now, you little shit.
Billy? You tricked me?
Billy Billy have no choice.
Zobo dangerous.
Damn right.
That's why I put you in my kill cube!
Kill cube? You promised not to hurt Zobo.
Well, I guess
I'm just a pretty little liar!
When that countdown hits zero,
he'll be ripped apart
by drills, saws, swords,
and over 100 other dangerous
and sharp things.
See? Says it right here on the website.
You tell Billy that chill cube.
If I had a chill cube, I'd be in it.
It sounds incredible.
Billy not let Zobo die.
You guys are fucking crazy, man.
I gotta get to Hodge Brothers Towing.
Billy, my very best friend. Grab my hand.
Billy not want to die in overkill cube.
Overkill cube?
You think 163 dangerous
and sharp things is overkill?
Well, I guess you get to die,
you Noah's Ark-looking
I know we did it!
How may I help you?
You'd like to make a deposit?
Sorry! I'll pay you back some way.
Hey, lady.
Oh God! Ah!
Wait, what am I looking at?
Oh, man, it's too bad
nobody saved our dicks.
Oh, I did.
Yeah, that crime spree was fun.
Now it's time to take out the Czar.
Time to scan your peepers, Prince.
I'm no dummy.
I'm just gonna keep my eyes shut.
Hey, look. Stuff you like.
Oh, crap!
With the actors unworthy
and his sex clone deceased,
Renzo's bottom was about to be fed
a rubber fist feast.
Whose ass is this going up, Flammy?
Mine or yours?
Time for payback, Czar.
Pass me the gun.
How dare you ball of heads interrupt my
night of Pudchugger passion with my wife?
Shoot me. Shoot me now.
Just roll into me
and knock me out the window.
Oh no, they pushed me out the window!
All right. Now to take care of the prince.
Get your filthy heads off him.
I'm gonna give you one chance
to plead for your pathetic fucking lives.
Oh, man, I like that bit.
Fichael, I'm so glad you're okay!
And thank you for saving him, Mal.
You mean saving him for last, right?
I was about to smash his head
with this mallet.
What? You don't like prop comedy?
Ay, ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
What is it, boy?
Oh no. Fichael's in trouble!
Billy's in trouble, you dumb fuck.
I was close. Wait, you can talk?!
- I'm a zucchini, you racist fuck!
- Yes!
This is taking forever.
Why did I set this timer to 10,000?
Wait. What is that?
Is that a ball of heads?
I'm getting the hell out of here!
- Zobo come back to save Billy, hey.
- Let's get you out of there.
First, I need the truth.
First though maybe let Billy out?
Billy was telling the truth about me.
I feed on chaos.
I can usually keep it under control,
but things got out of hand
on my last planet.
There was a plate spinners convention
double-booked with
an Acme exploding plates convention.
It was pure chaos.
I accidentally took in too much
and blacked out.
When I woke up, the whole planet was gone.
It was a total chaos-trophe.
I knew if my secret got out,
you would not want me on Farzar.
I'll just get back to the ship
and find a new planet to hide out on.
Uh, Billy still in here, BTWs.
Wait, I don't care what you've done.
You're my pet,
and you're part of the team.
A little bit of chaos
doesn't seem to hurt anything.
Like when you made me eat shit
this morning. No biggie.
Just promise not to do
a chaos-trophe on Farzar.
You have my word.
Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt,
but Billy want to say goodbye,
'cause he is dying in three seconds.
Funny smoke smell like Billy's skunk tail.
Make Billy feel, like, "Whatever, man."
I guess this is a chill cube.
But if they shipped me a chill cube,
who got the kill cube?
Man, this ain't no fucking chill cube!
Your drug problem is out of hand.
I got an audition in 20 minutes.
It was worth it.
At least Pudchugger Day is over.
I know how sad you are that you missed it,
so I passed a royal decree
and officially moved
Pudchugger's Day to today!
The Czar was in store
for many things awful,
like turning his ball sack
into a hot, crispy waffle.
It was a depraved
and painful marathon lay.
In other words,
the perfect St. Pudchugger's Day.
See? Billy impressions are good, yes?
Uh, I don't think so.
You're not really Spon-zaneous material.
Who reads a fucking book
at an improv audition?
Actually, Bazarack,
Billy's in, you're out.
You gotta be fucking kidding me!
You're all a bunch of
Fuck you, Billy!
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