Farzar (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

The Adventures of Daddy O'Baggins

They almost saw us.
I told you crossing the border
into Dome City is too dangerous.
We don't have a choice.
We can't go on living in the alien slums.
In the Dome, they have the basics
we need to survive.
Cable TV, Rotary Clubs,
jumbo shrimp, topless maids
And medicine to cure my space lupus?
Sure, if there's time, son.
If there's time.
[man] Stop right there!
You filthy aliens
aren't setting foot in the human city
unless you get past Laser, Blaze, Cyclone,
Havoc, Nitro, Mayhem, Ice, and Malibu!
Welcome to Extreme Border Patrol!
Our first event
is called Immigrant Assault.
Here to destroy your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses,
is Gemini!
And they're off!
Will this family make it
or die in poverty?
Extreme Border Patrol
is brought to you by Lean Pockets.
Lean Pockets. Fuck you!
What are you gonna do about it?
Be careful!
They're just tennis balls.
What a show! Man, I love PBS.
Geez, Dad. Don't you ever have regrets
about your border policies?
I do. Getting in bed
with those animals over at Lean Pockets.
But how else can I prevent
illegal border crossings?
Enact alien immigration!
I know there are good aliens out there
that could really add to our society.
I will never let aliens live in my city!
Everybody knows I can't stand the sight
of those damn dirty, disgusting,
nasty, slime-covered,
filthy, little aliens.
Ooh, yeah!
[adventurous music playing]
Farzar ♪
Okay, Zobo, you promised Fichael
to cut back on the chaos.
This seems about right.
- [Renzo grunts]
- Hmm.
- [Renzo grunting]
- Hmm.
Wow, she really knows
how to flick a flerngler, huh?
That was a tongue twister.
Not what I said, the sexual act.
Yeah, flick that flerngler.
Wait, who said that?
What the hell is an alien
doing in my boner bunker?
Don't kill me! Don't kill me!
Give me one good reason.
Uh, judging by your still-full stiffy,
it looks like
you like Tammy Tentacles, huh?
I can introduce you to her!
You can?
She's my favorite alien porn star!
Yeah! I'll take you
to her place in the alien slums.
- She'll probably let you kiss her cleebor.
- Is that a good thing?
If you're into cleebors.
I'm more of a [hacks]
man, myself.
Either way, just remember
not to swallow the squart.
- The what?
- The squart.
You'll be fine. Come on.
Yes! I can't wait to see her big, juicy
Uh, you're mispronouncing it.
Motherfucker, I'm having
an asthma attack. Get my inhaler!
Hello, Miss Tentacles, I'm a big fan.
[dance music playing]
[Renzo] No! No, no, no!
You have a good time?
Yeah! I mean, she didn't let me
put it in her parlyflop,
but she did let me
stick it between her [squeals]
I can't thank you
- Congratulations, you're pregnant.
- Pregnant? What the fuck?
I warned you not to swallow the squart.
There were
a lot of goddamn liquids coming at me.
How could I know which one was squart?
I taught you the nursery rhyme.
If it's tart, spit that squart.
If it's frothy, that's also squart!
People can't find out
I got knocked up by a filthy alien.
I've got to get an abortion ASAP.
Why the hell
did I shut down Planet Parenthood?
Curse my irrational need to control women!
I bet Barry can do an abortion.
Look at Billy.
But he's in the Dome and I can't
just go through the front gates
as pregnant as a pause
in a Harold Pinter play.
Read a book, motherfucker.
If this gets back to Flammy,
she'll kill me. This is all your fault!
Wait! I can help you
sneak back into the city!
Okay. Uh, sorry I tried to kill you.
- It's okay. Mood swings are expected.
- Because I'm pregnant?
No, because you're an asshole.
Zobo got jokes!
[horn blares]
I gotta get my son to cover for me
so I can abort his likely
less fucked-up-looking baby brother.
But I'll need an excuse
clever enough to convince him.
I got it, Dad.
You need time off to fight a Frankenstein.
It would be my honor to fill in for you.
Don't worry, I'm not
gonna get carried away.
[plays fanfare]
Presenting the wearer of footie pajamas,
the humper of body pillows,
the 30-year-old drinker
of his mama's breast milk.
I can't believe he wrote this himself.
Czar Fichael!
Hello loyal, loving subjects!
Kill yourself and fuck your mother!
You too, Barry!
Isn't this great? As acting czar,
I have the power to do anything I want.
Ooh! What have you done so far?
I had pizza for breakfast!
But not just any pizza.
I found it in a trash can.
Unlimited power!
Uh, Fichael, is this really
how you want to spend your time as czar?
Eating trash pizza?
No, I also plan
to take a bubble bath in grape Kool-Aid.
You always talk about alien immigration.
Now you're czar,
you finally have a chance to do it!
That's a great idea!
But the czar is kind of busy right now.
Power! [chuckles]
Unlimited power!
Oh. Goddamn, I didn't even
put the packet in yet.
[ominous music plays]
Who's got ideas
on how to take down the city?
Because fuck your ideas,
I've got a better one.
I'm gonna kill Renzo!
I just haven't worked out how yet.
I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me.
What kind of Daffy Duck bullshit is this?
I hate this lair!
This place is a shithole
and the rent's so damn high
we had to get a roommate.
Why are you always cooking, Agnes?
It smells like cat piss!
Speaking of piss, I'm still mad that I had
to put down a pet deposit for Gorpzorp.
I am not a pet.
I am a scientist, damn it!
He's yapping again. Put him in his crate.
How dare you
put me in this accursed prison?
At least give me
my squeaky steak toy, you bastards!
This place sucks. I can't even order
a decent salad around here.
They put jicama in everything.
Who likes that shit?
It just tastes like crunchy water!
[whispers indistinctly]
Master, our spies tell us
that Prince Fichael
is planning to enact alien immigration.
Hey, do not interrupt me when
I'm workshopping my tight five on jicama!
Perhaps if you posed as an immigrant,
you could infiltrate the human city
and execute your plan to kill Renzo.
Or we could keep talking about jicama.
Well, someone's bitchy
because their dad died
and I didn't give them the day off.
You know you're lucky your ideas
are better than your dad's heart!
He died of space lupus, Master.
I was just doing a bit.
Holy shit! Your dad actually died?
- [grunting]
- [toy squeaking]
I have you now, steak!
One day, I will find
the source of your magic squeaking
and rip it from your rubber loins!
Are you sure you know where you're going?
All this stress is bad for the baby.
The baby we're trying to abort?
I still want the best for him!
I'm gonna make some calls
and get him into a private dumpster.
If not, he'll never
get into a good landfill.
Oh, no. You've led us to
[announcer] Extreme Border Patrol!
- These guys will recognize me!
- Don't worry, I've got this.
Folks, we've got a new contestant tonight,
and he's one weird-looking alien.
Welcome, Renzbo!
No, no, no, go left, go right! Duck!
Do the tootsie roll!
Pop and lock! Hammer time!
Super Bowl shuffle!
Listen, we've got to make it
to the other side before Laser gets us.
What are you waiting for? Let's go!
My arms are too tired to move. These are
glamour muscles, they're not functional!
I can help, but things
have to get a little chaotic first.
You're lucky I stole this truth-blaster
from Barry's lab.
Renzbo looks like he's in trouble.
No alien has ever made it
past our superhuman gladiators,
who spend countless hours training,
mainly to compensate
for their tiny, baby cocks.
Everybody knows
these oiled-up protein queefs
are only here because they're too stupid
to be pro-wrestlers.
- Stop!
- Chaos! Chaos!
Wait, we have a winner!
Well, normally we would,
but just last week,
the czar added a new super gladiator.
Goddamn it! Curse my love
of giant, oiled-up, protein queefs.
This is bad.
It's worse than you think.
Squiggles ain't nothin' to fuck with! ♪
Ha! That little guy?
Looks like he sleeps in a shoebox.
You just damned us to hell.
Lucky for you, I know his weakness.
Good thing I registered for this.
This'll calm his little ass down.
[lullaby plays]
[fanfare plays]
Presenting Czar Fichael!
And if he makes me do this one more time,
I'ma shove this horn up his fucking ass!
Billy hate gig economy.
Fichael, ooh, I am so excited
that you're enacting alien immigration.
Now, I think that I have found
the aliens' best and brightest.
Meet Antillion.
I can vouch for him.
Killed his whole family
and he wasn't a little bitch about it.
I have an IQ of 360.
Also, I can heal humans physically
and emotionally just by touch.
I must warn you, you'll likely orgasm.
Val won't be orgasming
while I'm around, thank you.
I do have some other options.
Mm, how about those aliens?
They look smart.
The one's arguing with the sun?
You'd better hide behind that cloud,
you big, orange son of a bitch!
And stop sending them scary ground ghosts
to chase me around!
I'll show him for you, Flobby. I'm gonna
beat him at this staring contest.
Oh, come on, you can't be serious?
The Intellectoids are idiots!
So you're saying
you're not attracted to them?
Oh God, no!
Come on in, guys. Welcome to the city!
Pa poo pa poo pa pee ♪
Pee pa poo ♪
Who is that alien?
Who, me, cool cat?
Well, I'm Daddy O'Baggins.
Pa poo pa poo pa pee ♪
Pee pa poo ♪
I have a birthmark on my ass
in the shape of a treasure map.
Boo da da pa squaw ♪
So I looked at my ass in a mirror
and followed it.
Bee da ba bee bop ba doo dow ♪
It led me to you.
That's the best story I've ever heard!
You should come live in our city!
Is it Daddy O'Baggins? Or Daddio Baggins?
Ba dee doo ♪
Ska doo ba dot squee dap scoo ♪
Introducing Czar Fichael,
and the horn up his ass
because he thought I was playing.
[horn tooting]
Ah. Thanks, Scootie.
We're gonna start off
with an informative video
about adjusting
to your new life in Dome City.
Hi, Mr. Stumpy.
Hi, Fichael!
Whoops, wrong video!
Why'd you turn it off?
It was just getting good!
I want to see it.
Don't worry, I beat the hell out that sun.
That wasn't the sun. That was your son.
Still made me feel like a big man.
So, uh, is Renzo gonna be
making an appearance at this meeting?
I'm definitely excited to meet him
and not kill him or anything.
Sh! The video's starting!
Thanks, Fichael. And to answer
your question, boo-bees. [chuckles]
Oh yeah. Hey, Fichael.
What type of bees make milk?
Moving on.
To be citizens here, you'll need to learn
a few facts about humans.
They only have one butthole,
and touching nipples
is not an appropriate greeting.
And those are just a few things
I learned this morning.
Before long, you'll be making
human friends like these.
Hi, I'm Val. Welcome to the city!
And I'm Mal.
I'm the person who's gonna murder you all
when this moron's dad comes back.
Now, we need
to get you guys job assignments
so you can be productive citizens.
Daddy O'Baggins,
what was your job outside the Dome?
Freelance jazz karate lothario
slash cabana boy.
You sound tough.
You can work here at the S.H.A.T. Squad.
You can trust me, or my name isn't
Bazarack. That definitely Bazarack.
Flobby and Belzert,
what were your old jobs?
We were firemen.
Oh, that's great! We always need
more firemen in the city.
What the hell are you guys doing?
What? We told you we were firemen.
You're supposed to put out fires,
not start 'em!
What do we look like? Water men?
So far, so good, Clitaris.
I've infiltrated the S.H.A.T. Squad,
and I'm earning their trust.
They've already given me
an important assignment.
Yeah, I need a half-caf macchiato for Val,
12 shots of espresso for Mal,
and a cup of human hair for Barry.
As for me,
well, this is on the company card,
so give me whatever is the most expensive!
Sure. One $12 pumpkin spice latte.
Soon, I'll track down Renzo
and bring this horrible city to its knees.
[dance music plays]
[Bazarack blubbering]
Oh yeah! Eat that pumpkin ass!
I love this city,
and I love pumpkin spice lattes!
I went to the mall.
Have you guys ever heard of kiosks?
It's a fucking store in a wagon.
For four grand,
you can buy the whole thing.
I put this on the expense card.
Felt like a work thing.
Anyway, who wants a bedazzled phone case?
How about a light-up, LED,
slingshot-style, flying helicopter toy?
- I love it!
- You like toys too?
Toys? That helicopter's my cousin, man.
Zootie, watch out for that ceiling fan!
Oh, shit! If Aunt RC Car asks,
I wasn't here!
Everybody, shut the fuck up!
We're trying to do some work here.
Renzo says this is
the biggest threat to our city.
Who is?
How nobody see this?
Personally, I think
Bazarack's just an impotent clown.
That tracks. Impotent clowns
are the most dangerous clowns.
Dangerous? Ha! Dude's a joke!
If he's such a joke,
then why has he got weapons
hidden here, here, here, and here?
And why does he have
a big, tough number two named Clitaris
that lives with his bitch wife right here?
[phone beeping]
Sorry I'm on the phone, honey.
I'm trying to reach Bazarack to get
an update on his mission inside the city.
I totally understand.
I just wish Bazarack would treat you
with the respect you deserve.
He can be a bit quirky.
But, you know, at the end of the day,
when push comes to shove,
he's got my back.
Oh, fuck!
This is a fun job.
What did I just blow up?
Okay, your last job was a disaster,
but I don't think
you can screw this one up.
All you have to do is shoot this tiny food
with this growth ray.
That's how we have enough food here
for the whole Dome City!
We won't let you down, Fichael.
I wonder if this ray
makes everything bigger?
[suspenseful music plays]
I need an abortion!
Whoa. Whoa. Slow down.
An abortion is a very delicate procedure.
Uh, do you want to go with original
or extra crispy?
I don't care, just kill it!
Oh, shit, it's armed!
- Ah!
- [Barry] Oh!
This is coming out of your tip!
Actually, I think
it's coming out of yours.
Ah! I knew it was risky to pop back up,
but it was worth it for that zinger.
[horn blaring]
[scoffs] Fichael, will you finally admit
that maybe you picked
the wrong aliens for this?
No. This is my one chance
to prove alien immigration works.
Besides, I think the Intellectoids
are fitting right in.
So much so
that I invited them to stay with me.
Sweet screams.
Sweet what?
What are you guys doing?
Hey, why the hell did you wake us up?
- You guys were both screaming.
- That's how our species rest.
How'd you scream last night?
I screamed like a baby. How about you?
I didn't scream so good.
You might have scream apnea. My daddy
had that and he died in his scream.
May he holler in peace.
Morning, Fichael! You look like
you didn't scream a wink last night.
Hope you don't mind,
we helped ourselves to some breakfast.
That's not food. It's our money!
Then why do you keep money
in your refrigerator?
Well, I hope that million bucks
tasted like a million bucks.
What are you doing with my mom?
Breaking her up and selling her for parts.
You can't chop up old ladies
and sell 'em for parts.
How many elderly women
have you done this to?
I mean, not that many.
Fitz is the Kingpin?!
[phone rings]
I've been trying to reach you
again and again.
The humans have attacked us.
They dropped a bomb on my house.
- What are you accusing me of?
- Nothing.
Oh, good. Because I tend to admit things.
Have you killed Renzo yet?
I'll have you know
that I'm out looking for Renzo right now,
and he's definitely not
on the Dizzy Ducks.
[carnival music plays]
Wait, you're at a carnival?
Yup, and I've checked every ride twice.
Maybe you should check the palace,
where he lives.
Don't question my methods!
Trust me, I'm focused on this mission.
Hey, babe! Let's go on the Ferris wheel.
Who is that?
That's my fiancée, Trish.
She's got a mouth like a trash compactor.
Is that a good thing?
Also, you got engaged?!
Mordecai, I told you no more cotton candy!
You're not my dad!
[Bazarack] Really? Then why's my face
in your mom's snatch every night?
Trish. Trish, that wasn't me.
That was the pumpkin spice latte talking!
Trish, come back, baby!
Uh, what's up, Intellectoids?
Thanks again for selling me these legs.
I love 'em. Though they bruise easy
and they came with shingles.
Well, say goodbye.
I have no choice but to deport these guys
before they cause any more trouble.
Oh, uh, before you go, there was
something I was supposed to tell you.
Oh yeah! Your dad's in Barry's lab
and he's about to die.
[men whistle]
Oh, hey, boys!
Who wants to ride the varicose train?
[suspenseful music plays]
Dad, are you okay?
Fichael, what are those aliens
doing in my city? I'm gonna kick your
Hey! I paid two grand for that!
If you want a refund,
I hope you don't mind blood money,
'cause I got Crohn's disease.
Who wants a PSL? You guys
can split this one. The rest are for me.
You let another one in?
Hey, what's up, Renzo?
- Renzo!
- What's wrong with my daddy?
He swallowed the squart.
I told him not to.
Squart? Man, we love
to swallow the squart.
Smells like shit,
but it tastes even better.
Man, Tammy Tentacles
gets us pregnant all the time.
To kill that monster baby
growing inside you,
you're gonna need a combination
of the most deadly chemicals known to man.
Annatto, Potassium Sorbate,
Diglycerides, Carageenan.
And a pinch of nutmeg.
This is your destiny!
We have to let him die.
With Renzo gone,
the whole city will crumble
and their luxuries will be destroyed!
All of the luxuries?
Hey, play it cool, daddio!
Pa poo pa poo pa pee ♪
Pee pa poo ♪
I'm going with this guy.
Give me my leg back!
[grunting] Ow!
I broke my damn hip! I can't believe
there was a downside to this.
For years, I've said
that aliens are disgusting and evil
and I wanted to wipe them
off the face of Farzar.
And I still do, except for these four,
who are now welcome in our city
because they saved
the thing I cherish most.
- Great work, Fichael.
- [crowd cheers]
You can sleep well tonight knowing
you did the right thing for the aliens.
Uh-oh. Uh, hey, Fichael,
could you pass me your sock?
I just had a wet scream.
PSL, please!
Do you have a size
bigger than trenta, Cindy?
You know, something I can drown a baby in?
[knocking on glass]
Oh, shit.
- What the hell are you guys doing here?
- You blocked my number.
Well, that's because I love it here
and I'm never coming out!
You can all kiss my hot, yellow ass!
Bazarack, you have a mission.
Bazarack's dead, bitch!
I'm Daddy O'Baggins.
Bee da da doo ba dop ♪
You don't belong in there!
You primitive hicks are just jealous,
because you're out there and I'm in here
drinking pumpkin spice lattes,
doing escape rooms,
and sucking fiancée snatch!
Okay, I think I finally found you guys
jobs that you can't screw up.
Belzert, your job is to make sure
Flobby doesn't press that button.
Flobby, your job is to make sure
Belzert doesn't press that button.
I'm giving you both guns.
So drag your weird-looking asses
back to those shitty,
piss-smelling caves you live in!
Are you mad? I don't care!
You can't do shit! I'm in the dome.
And scene. You guys didn't think
I was serious, did you?
No, I can't wait to get back to that
piss-smelling, shithole cave we live in.
Let's go! I hope one of you
let Gorpzorp out.
Oh, dear. I seem to have soiled my crate!
I need two walks a day, you bastards!
[adventurous music playing]
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