Father Ted s03e02 Episode Script

(Helicopter) (Sheep baaing) - Hello, Fargo.
- Oh, Hud, Giant, hello.
Chris is looking great for the competition.
Thanks, lads.
Father Crilly, hello there! Fargo, ha ha.
How's the champ? He's great.
A few quid on him, Father? I've put the entire annual heating allowance on him.
But what if he doesn't win, Father? Well, we won't have any heating but if it stays as warm as the summer we're laughing! But come on, it's Chris - he's the champ! Talk about a safe bet! Have you heard about this creature going around terrorising sheep on the island? No.
Tell me more.
They say it's as big as a jaguar.
The car? No, the big cat thing! And its face is all teeth, big white teeth as sharp as knives.
- Has it killed yet? - No, but it's only a matter of time.
Hope it doesn't get my sheep.
No man's sheep is safe.
Oh, dear! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! - Ohhhh!! - Oohhhhh!!! (Giant) 'Has it killed yet?' (Hud) 'It's only a matter of time 'big white teeth as sharp as knives.
- 'Ohhhh' - (Howl) (Silence ) (Birds singing) (Tin cans rattling) (Gunfire ) Dougal, give the album a rest.
Ted, come on, it's brilliant.
I think people will give up pop music and listen to this instead.
What I hear in the charts, I'm not sure if that's not happening already.
What? This is so good though, Ted! There's all kinds of things.
Like magic I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.
(Train whistle ) Or take you on a trip into darkest Africa.
(Toilet flushing) Or bring you into a spooky castle on a stormy night.
(Telephone ringing) Oooh! Whooo! Craggy Island parochial house, Father Ted Crilly speaking.
- F-F-Father! - Fargo? F-Father, can you come over quick?! Certainly, Fargo, what's the? (Click and dialling tone ) I'm going out Dougal, something's up with Fargo.
Mrs Doyle, you look terrible, doesn't she? Awful, Ted.
I didn't get much sleep, Father.
I kept thinking I heard this terrible howling noise.
- That'd be the beast.
- What's this, now? There's something terrible on the moors, Father.
(Spooky music) Moors? We don't have any moors.
Well, there's something terrible roaming around where normally there would be moors, Father! They think it might be a kind of giant fox! (Thunder crashes ) - Dougal! - Sorry.
It couldn't be Jack, could it? Someone might mistake him for a big mad cat.
Don't forget, during leap years Jack is very much affected by the changing of the seasons.
For a short while, he is at one with nature.
He's great when he's in the mood.
If only it lasted longer.
(Vomits ) I better go and make some tea.
(Slurping and gurgling in time with Mrs Doyle's footsteps ) I told you to turn that off.
But it is off.
(Slurping and gurgling continues ) What do you mean, Chris isn't in the competition? He's the champ! This talk of the beast has got to him, his nerves are shot.
I took a photo this morning.
Nerves? It's a sheep! He always had a very artistic temperament.
He's not a concert pianist, he's a sheep! I don't see how (Ted) Oh, my God.
I mean, when you compare it with what he looked like last year It's like two completely different sheep.
He's off his food He's not sleeping And he's started to burp.
(Sobbing) Oh, F-Father, w-what am I going to do? Fargo, pull yourself together.
Chris needs you now more than ever.
Come on, I want to see him.
But he doesn't want to see anybody, Father! Fargo, that's an order.
Take me to see Chris, the unhappy sheep.
God, you should have seen him, he's just a shadow of a sheep.
If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now.
Why? Because of the beast.
They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better.
And it lights up at night, Ted, and it's got four ears, two are for listening and two are back-up ears, and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle says it's got magnets so if you're made of metal it'll stick to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses.
Dougal! It's a legend, it doesn't exist.
Right, like the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist.
The Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist! Don't start another what-does-exist debate.
Add those last two examples to the chart.
- But - Dougal! I'm more worried about that bet I put on Chris.
- You don't think he'll win? - No burping sheep has ever won.
What about Big Brendan in 1983? Fluke.
Anyway, it's just the heating budget.
And look what the Weather News says.
That's last year's Weather News.
- What? - This is this year's.
I'll see if John and Mary will give me my money back.
I'll come too, see if they've got Sound Effects Volume Five.
Fair enough.
Good night, Dougal.
(Howling) And some of his ears are inside his head, and his yawn sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a load of hens (Ted) Hello, Fargo.
And he doesn't have any eyebrows, except on Saturdays.
Oh! Ahh! And you can stay in there till you learn some fecking manners! (Mary ) Let me out, you bastard! (Banging) And I've thrown away the key! How do you like that, huh? Hello, John.
Hello, Father Crilly! - Hello, Father McGuire! - (Banging stops ) Where'swhere's Mary? She's away at her mother's.
(Banging) No! Is there, um, is there someone in the cupboard? (Mary ) Hello, Fathers.
Mary? Mary, I forgot you were there, I thought you were at your mother's.
(Mary ) No, I didn't go after all.
I'm in the cupboard.
What are you doing in there? It's because of the beast, I thought Mary would be safer in the cupboard.
(Mary ) I'm better off here.
What can I do you for, Father? A pack of 20 Carols.
(Mary ) Certainly, Father.
I'll get them, love.
You stay there.
Er, John, can I have a word? (Mary ) Is Father McGuire there? I am.
Hello, Mary.
(Mary ) Lovely day, isn't it? Oh, yes.
(Mary ) You're looking great, anyway.
I'm sorry, Father, a bet's a bet.
But if she doesn't have the operation she won't be able to fetch water for her village.
I am sorry, Father.
You should've waited, the odds have lengthened to 20-1 on account of Chris's nervous troubles.
- Anyway, your cigarettes.
- Thanks.
They don't have the sound effects album.
We might as well just go.
(Mary ) Bye, Fathers.
- Bye! - Bye! - (Mary ) I hope you're satisfied.
- Ahh, shut up! Oof! Look, there's Giant Reed.
Hello, Giant! What are you thinking, Ted? Look at the big serious look on your face.
Chris can't win this competition.
Ted, it's pointless thinking about it.
There's nothing we can do about the situation.
We just have to accept the fact and that's that.
We could bring Chris over here, that might help.
Oh, wow! Brilliant! I knew there was something we could do! Didn't I say it? No.
No, you didn't.
You said the exact opposite.
We couldn't do anything.
Ted, you've done this before, so I took the liberty of taping the conversation.
We'll just have a listen.
'Ted, it's pointless even thinking about it.
'There's nothing we can do about the situation.
'We just have to accept the fact and that's that.
' I stand corrected.
(Baaing) Oh Ahh There he is now.
(Burps ) I'm still not sure about this, Father.
We'll make him into a new sheep.
Or else a jumper and a few chops! (Laughs ) I'm terribly sorry, that was just tasteless.
I'll be off, then.
Ok.
Seriously, if there's one place for peace and quiet (Jack) Feck! Arse! Feck! (Banging and crashing) Feck! Feck! Feck! Arse (Muttering) It would be an insult to you if I finished that sentence.
You're up early, Father.
We're off to get Chris into shape for the competition.
Do you think would our new guest like a cup of tea? The little sheep fellow? I don't think they drink tea.
Not unless you have some special "Sheep Tea".
Yes.
- What? - I do have some sheep tea.
Oh, right Well, um Give him some of that, then.
Ok, so.
It's nearly midday, do we have to get up this early? Has to be done, Dougal.
We've got to get Chris from looking like this to looking like this.
( # M-People: Search For The Hero Inside Yourself #) You've got to search for the hero inside yourself Search for the secrets you hide Search for the hero inside yourself Until you find the key to your life Search for the hero inside yourself, yeah, yeah Search for the secrets you hide Ah, hello, Father.
Did you? Is he? I'm sorry, we tried everything.
Ah, well, I suppose II I better take him home.
A-ha! - Ha! - A-ha! Got you! - What did you do?! - Just did my best.
I don't know what to say.
Can I buy you a drink to celebrate? Dougal, don't let Chris wander off.
- And keep that front door closed.
- Ok, Ted.
He's the bestfecking sheep ever.
His little sheep face And you have to say, great sense of humour.
Really? Great.
He only cost £23 - 23! A clause says I have to pay more if his image is used on stamps, but still, a great bargain for such a happy sheep.
(Sighs ) (Laughing) - Is that Hud Hastings? - Yeah.
Is hewearing a crown? (Laughing) Yes, very good, yes.
(Drunk and laughing) Very good, yes.
Yes, bye! Dougal, I notice the front door is wide open.
Oh, er, it is, yes, Ted.
And I see we're currently sheepless.
Oh Ahhh! I told you to keep the door closed.
Now, hold it there, Ted.
(Ted) 'Don't let him wander off' (Howling) - What's that? - The beast! Come on! How do we know which way to go? Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, travel north, where it's colder and they won't be so stuffy.
So, we have to go north.
Which way is north? - I-I don't know.
- (Howling) Quick! It seems to be coming from all around us.
The Sioux Indians could pinpoint the exact location of buffalo by looking at the moon and putting their ears to the ground.
Ted, maybe it's coming from that stereo.
(Howling) - (Burp ) - Ted! It's Chris! Is he all right? He's fine! He must've realised it was a big stereo in a tree! Let's bring him home, Dougal.
I think I'm beginning to figure out what's been going on.
Well, it's been an easy decision.
There's one out-and-out winner and rather than waste time with a speech I'll get on with the job of announcing the winner who, today, has come first in this competition to see who the winner is in the king of the Sheep competition that we have all come to today wondering who indeed will it be, who wins the prize of king of the Sheep.
The winner of this year's king of the Sheep competition is - Stop! - (All gasp ) Good God! What is the meaning of this? This competition is a sham and a fraud and asham! What?! How dare you! There's been a deliberate and scurrilous attempt to sabotage this high-profile sheep competition.
And those responsible are in this very room.
- Giant Reed and Hud Hastings! - (Shocked gasps ) - (Man ) Fuckin' hell! - You'd better have some proof.
Oh, I do, I do.
You constantly chatted of the so-called beast of Craggy Island, always within hearing distance of Chris.
Fargo, how's the champ? (Baaing) And you used a copy of BBC Sound Effects Volume Five to add weight to those fanciful claims.
An impressionable sheep could not but be convinced by "Terrible Monster".
Is this true? Well, well, well.
What a pretty picture Father Crilly has painted! How dare you bring shame on this celebration of sheep! Don't be too hard on them - sorry, your name? - Alan.
- Don't be too hard on them, Alan, they were simply pawns.
The real villain in this piece has yet to be revealed.
Fargo Boyle! - What?! - (Shocked mutterings ) - (Man ) Fuckin' hell! - That's nonsense! I'll just go now and take my trophy.
You were disappointed at the poor odds Chris was receiving.
You manipulated those odds by sabotaging your own sheep and then staging a miraculous recovery.
You paid Giant and Hud to talk about the beast in front of Chris.
Hud, Giant, hello there! You didn't count on the vanity of your accomplices who used their wealth to buy a fur coat and a crown! And you bought the BBC Sound Effects record.
You knew that with my intuitive understanding of sheep, I could nurse him back to health.
It was you, Fargo, you, youyou! Chris! Chris, it's not true! It's not true! No, no! Don't look at me, don't look at me! (Sobbing) Should I call the police, Father? No.
He's lost the trust of his sheep.
That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily with sheep.
If you'll excuse me, there's a stench in here and I need some fresh air.
Ted, if Chris has been disqualified, haven't you lost the heating money on the bet? I know it's a radical step, but it's very, very cold.
See you in three months, then, Ted.
Actually, I'd better go to the toilet first.