Father Ted s03e03 Episode Script
Speed 3
- (Door slams ) - (Ted) Don't even talk to me! (Dougal) I'm so sorry, Ted.
(Ted) You're judging a baby competition, don't get them agitated! This happens every time and I'm sick of it! I was just playing with them, Ted.
Playing? You were jumping up and down, running around and getting completely overexcited.
That's why you got sick on me! I thought the standard was rubbish.
A lot of sloppy babies who looked as though they couldn't be bothered.
And the hairiness of some of those babies.
It was a very hairy baby parade.
If people can't even shave their babies before they come out Normally you wouldn't have to shave a baby! What the hell? Mrs Doyle, did you put a brick in the middle of the floor? - I did.
- Wellwhy? I thought it would be handy for your paperclips.
You can put them in that hollow there.
Yes, but why on the floor? I got the idea from a magazine.
That may be fine for Will Self or one of those fellas but I prefer the more traditional aspect of not putting bricks in the (Screams ) Mrs Doyle looks very different today.
Was it definitely Mrs Doyle? (knock at door) I'm sorry, I was looking for Mrs Doyle.
It is Mrs Doyle! What? I thought you were Marilyn Monroe.
(Screeching laugh) Now a couple of nice pints for you.
Oh, great.
We're a bit low, actually.
(Milkman chuckles ) There's plenty more where that came from.
(Screeching laugh) I shouldn't be here at all, the police are after me.
They're not! I'm so gorgeous they want to arrest me! (Screeching laugh) Actually, I'm a bit sad at the moment, Mrs Doyle.
- I have to go to a funeral.
- Oh, no, really? Yes.
My last girlfriend.
She died from exhaustion.
(Very screeching laugh) - Hello.
- Oh Hello, Father.
This is Pat Mustard, the new milkman.
- Oh? - Yeah, just here on the south side, spreading meself around a bit.
Mrs Doyle, you need to dust Father Jack's room.
And a cobweb in the shed needs removing.
Righto so, Father.
I'll be on my way, padre.
Off on my rounds.
Right, Ted.
Looks like an ordinary blackboard, doesn't it? Yes.
That's what I thought - but watch this! You see? You can rub off the letters.
Wellyou can do that with every blackboard.
What? This is very milky tea, Mrs Doyle.
This is almost all-milk tea.
Is there any tea in here at all? Well No.
Anyone would think you were trying to use up all the milk so that so that Pat Mustard can come here more often.
Ha ha ha ha.
Pat's very interesting, Father.
At the weekends he's a swimming instructor.
And he fought in Vietnam and he's a former Mr Universe and he taught Elvis Presley how to play karate.
It sounds like he's telling you a few tall tales.
What do you think, Dougal? Well, Ted, I'm very cynical, as you know.
Well, Father it's not my place, I know, but it sounds to me like you're a little bit jealous.
Jealous? Of Mr Milkyman? I very much think not! What are you doing, Dougal? I'm looking at some of the hairy babies.
- There's something about them.
- Let's see.
- Oh, my God.
- What? This is a terrible thing to say but if you took this moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards I think you'd getPat Mustard! Do you think the babies are copying his style? No, I think it's more likely thatmm-hmm.
That Pat Mustard has been You know, I mean delivering more than dairy products.
No! You mean he's been HoIcan't Ho! Ho-ho! Henowha He's been what? We should do some detective work, find out what this Pat Mustard fella's up to.
(Mrs Doyle laughing) (Pat Mustard laughing) (Both laughing) (Coughs ) Hello, Father.
Oh, Pat wondered if he could put his massive tool in my box.
- What?! How dare you! - It's too big for the milk float.
I'll pick it up tomorrow.
Mrs Doyle, could you leave us? Righto, Father.
Pat Mustard, there are some very hairy babies around and I think you are the hairy baby maker! Well, I think you'd need proof if you're gonna make that sort of accusation and I'm a very careful man, Father, a very careful man.
Except when taking precautions in the bedroom! You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception, Father, would you? Yes, I! No, I If you're going to be Iof course Just feck off! You'd want to get up very early to catch me, Father.
Very early in the morning.
(Camera clicking) And now to ride Mrs O'Reilly.
Dougal, did you get that? Ted, I turned the volume up to hear what's going on in the house.
- At this level you could hear - (Horn honks ) Right, now we wait.
No, he's finished! God! Theresa, I forgot me fecking trousers! - Ha-ha! Mm-hm! - (Camera clicking) Shameful! Dear God, disgraceful.
- Have you ever seen the like? - No, I have not.
How should we do this? How about £2 each for these and a tenner for the rest? I wasn't selling them, I was just showing you what one of your employees was up to.
Oh! Oh, my God, yes! What did you think? I completely misread the situation! This is disgraceful behaviour.
This employee shall be removed from his job straight away.
Thank you for informing us.
Hey, you, who's gonna deliver the milk now? Actually, next week is a big week.
We agreed to ease the milk surplus of Eastern Europe by buying 17,000 tonnes of milk from them.
Pat's sacking couldn't have come at a worse time.
Think of all that lovely milk with no one to drop it off.
I wish I could do it.
We could certainly trust a man of God.
A what? - A priest.
- Thanks for reminding me(!) But I'd love to be a milkman, that'd be fantastic.
God knows I do flip-all around here! You could certainly fill in for a while.
I'm not sure.
Father McGuire has other duties in the parish.
Like what? - And be sure to keep warm.
- Ted! Not in front of Mr Fox.
- And stay on the left of the road.
- Duh! I know! Stop it! That turns it on, that makes it go, that steers it.
- Ok.
Right.
- Ok! You're ready to be a milkman.
Better get going - milk gets sour, you know.
Unless it's UHT milk but there's no demand for that because it's shite.
(Beeps horn ) He'll be fine.
- (Clunk) - Ahh! What's going on? Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick.
It's a great pet.
He doesn't have to feed it or clean it.
Suits him perfectly.
I love my brick! Ahhh, that's nice.
Maybe we're seeing another side to Father Jack, a more caring Ahh, feck it! Fed up with "brick"! (Telephone rings ) Craggy Island parochial house Father Ted Crilly speaking It's me, Father, y'ignorant bastard.
Is that you, Mustard? You got me sacked and now I have to yank meself off because I haven't got any proper sex.
Well, if you're going to use that language No, I've something to tell you.
I've left a little surprise on the milk float your little friend took off me.
Something to remember me by.
- A bomb! - What?! A very special bomb.
When your little friend gets to over 4mph the bomb is armed but when he comes back under 4mph then (Imitates explosion ) Sorry, I lost you there.
What happens? - It'll go off.
- Oh, my God, Dougal! (Pat laughing evilly) Mrs Millettwo pints.
Two pints.
Two pints of milk.
(Doorbell) Pat Father! Oh, my God! Two pints.
Eh, two pints two pints.
There you go.
Bye, then.
(Doorbell) Morning, Mrs Gleason! (Screams ) Ok, right.
I'll just leave it here.
(Car horn honking) Dougal! Dougal! Are you going over 4mph?! I'm fine, leave me alone.
- Are you doing over four?! - Not yet.
(Click) Now I am.
Dougal, there's a bomb on the milk float! A bomb? Who's that for? It's not for delivery - it's going to kill you! Pat Mustard put it there! When you go under 4mph it'll explode! Have you got that?! Oh, God! I don't wanna be a milkman any more! Just don't slow down! Ted, look! It's a big bunch of boxes in the road! Just stay over four! (Beeps horn ) (Beeps horn ) Go, Dougal! Go, go, go! Get to the roundabout and circle it.
I have to have a think! Ted! (Phone rings ) Barren Island parochial house.
Father Beeching.
Derek, Dougal's on a milk float with a bomb that will blow up if it goes under 4mph.
Yes, that is a problem.
But don't panic, Ted, we'll find a way through it.
We've got to do something practical! WaitI have it.
(Engine chugging) The Lord be with you Oh, no! Mass! Mass today being offered for Father Dougal McGuire who finds himself in a trying and unfortunate situation.
We pray God will protect him from harm at thistime - and deliver him to safety.
- Amen.
(Pat laughing evilly) Oh, yes, they'll be peeling him off the wall for weeks to come.
Go in peace to love and serve the Lord (All) Amen.
Dougal, there's a roundabout! Just keep driving round! - Everything's gonna be Ok! - But I get dizzy! Don't get dizzy! You've got to come up with a plan.
Back to my house! ( # Tense music) - That's the idea? - It's the best we've had.
Another Mass - that's our best idea? I thought the other one went very well.
Dougal needs help, not a Mass! This isn't a time for Mass, this is a time for action! Is there anything to be said for saying another Mass? Just a small one? Oh, God, I love saying Mass.
Him and his Masses! One time, er, a few years ago, at the Moscow Olympics with, er, Sean Drea, the rower.
This is a great story.
- We don't have time! - It won't take a second.
Shut up and help me think of a practical solution.
Tea for everyone! Father Beeching, biscuit or cake? Biscuit or cake? Ooh Biscuit or cake, let's see - For God's sake, hurry up! - Biscuit.
No, cake! Have you seen the damage a bomb can do? Blow your face off! Well, it worked for them and they saved hundreds of lives.
We only have to save one.
That was different, The Towering Inferno was a building that caught fire! It's not the same as rescuing a priest from an explosive milk float.
And besides, they had Paul Newman and Steve McQueen.
God Almighty, I forgot Steve McQueen was in it.
Wait! I've got it! The Poseidon Adventure! - What? - Gene Hackman plays a priest in it.
(Poseidon Adventure title music plays on TV) Well, that was no help.
He didn't even say Mass.
Let's go to the roundabout and think of something there.
Oh! Fecking brick! Wait a minute, I've got an idea.
Yes, gentlemen Father Dougal is propelling the milk float by exerting a small amount of pressure on the accelerator.
If we replace his foot with an object then we can safely remove him from the vehicle.
You mean Yes.
We put the brick on the accelerator.
- Dougal! - Ahh! - I've got a plan.
- Ted, I want to be a priest again.
This isn't really your thing, is it? No, I don't like this job at all! All right, when I say step off, you step off, all right? k eep saying, "I want to be a priest.
" I want to be a priest, I want to be a priest, I want to be a priest, I want to be a priest! Step off the milk float, Dougal! Ted, you forgot your brick! Put it back! Put it back! Run, Dougal! I'm a priest! (Laughing evilly) Oh, yes, you messed with the wrong milkman, Father.
Well, I'm off.
Better get out the earplugs, Father, because when that milk float goes up, they'll hear it all the way to the North P (Distant rumbling) (Dialling tone ) - There y'are.
- Thanks, Ted.
Sure you don't want any milk? No, no, I'll stay off milk for a good long while.
You stick to what you're good at and I'm good at being a priest.
Uh, yes.
Ted, it's scary out there in the real non-priest world.
Not every job's as dangerous as being a milkman.
- Anyway, good night.
- Good night, Ted.
Those women were in the nip!
(Ted) You're judging a baby competition, don't get them agitated! This happens every time and I'm sick of it! I was just playing with them, Ted.
Playing? You were jumping up and down, running around and getting completely overexcited.
That's why you got sick on me! I thought the standard was rubbish.
A lot of sloppy babies who looked as though they couldn't be bothered.
And the hairiness of some of those babies.
It was a very hairy baby parade.
If people can't even shave their babies before they come out Normally you wouldn't have to shave a baby! What the hell? Mrs Doyle, did you put a brick in the middle of the floor? - I did.
- Wellwhy? I thought it would be handy for your paperclips.
You can put them in that hollow there.
Yes, but why on the floor? I got the idea from a magazine.
That may be fine for Will Self or one of those fellas but I prefer the more traditional aspect of not putting bricks in the (Screams ) Mrs Doyle looks very different today.
Was it definitely Mrs Doyle? (knock at door) I'm sorry, I was looking for Mrs Doyle.
It is Mrs Doyle! What? I thought you were Marilyn Monroe.
(Screeching laugh) Now a couple of nice pints for you.
Oh, great.
We're a bit low, actually.
(Milkman chuckles ) There's plenty more where that came from.
(Screeching laugh) I shouldn't be here at all, the police are after me.
They're not! I'm so gorgeous they want to arrest me! (Screeching laugh) Actually, I'm a bit sad at the moment, Mrs Doyle.
- I have to go to a funeral.
- Oh, no, really? Yes.
My last girlfriend.
She died from exhaustion.
(Very screeching laugh) - Hello.
- Oh Hello, Father.
This is Pat Mustard, the new milkman.
- Oh? - Yeah, just here on the south side, spreading meself around a bit.
Mrs Doyle, you need to dust Father Jack's room.
And a cobweb in the shed needs removing.
Righto so, Father.
I'll be on my way, padre.
Off on my rounds.
Right, Ted.
Looks like an ordinary blackboard, doesn't it? Yes.
That's what I thought - but watch this! You see? You can rub off the letters.
Wellyou can do that with every blackboard.
What? This is very milky tea, Mrs Doyle.
This is almost all-milk tea.
Is there any tea in here at all? Well No.
Anyone would think you were trying to use up all the milk so that so that Pat Mustard can come here more often.
Ha ha ha ha.
Pat's very interesting, Father.
At the weekends he's a swimming instructor.
And he fought in Vietnam and he's a former Mr Universe and he taught Elvis Presley how to play karate.
It sounds like he's telling you a few tall tales.
What do you think, Dougal? Well, Ted, I'm very cynical, as you know.
Well, Father it's not my place, I know, but it sounds to me like you're a little bit jealous.
Jealous? Of Mr Milkyman? I very much think not! What are you doing, Dougal? I'm looking at some of the hairy babies.
- There's something about them.
- Let's see.
- Oh, my God.
- What? This is a terrible thing to say but if you took this moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards I think you'd getPat Mustard! Do you think the babies are copying his style? No, I think it's more likely thatmm-hmm.
That Pat Mustard has been You know, I mean delivering more than dairy products.
No! You mean he's been HoIcan't Ho! Ho-ho! Henowha He's been what? We should do some detective work, find out what this Pat Mustard fella's up to.
(Mrs Doyle laughing) (Pat Mustard laughing) (Both laughing) (Coughs ) Hello, Father.
Oh, Pat wondered if he could put his massive tool in my box.
- What?! How dare you! - It's too big for the milk float.
I'll pick it up tomorrow.
Mrs Doyle, could you leave us? Righto, Father.
Pat Mustard, there are some very hairy babies around and I think you are the hairy baby maker! Well, I think you'd need proof if you're gonna make that sort of accusation and I'm a very careful man, Father, a very careful man.
Except when taking precautions in the bedroom! You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception, Father, would you? Yes, I! No, I If you're going to be Iof course Just feck off! You'd want to get up very early to catch me, Father.
Very early in the morning.
(Camera clicking) And now to ride Mrs O'Reilly.
Dougal, did you get that? Ted, I turned the volume up to hear what's going on in the house.
- At this level you could hear - (Horn honks ) Right, now we wait.
No, he's finished! God! Theresa, I forgot me fecking trousers! - Ha-ha! Mm-hm! - (Camera clicking) Shameful! Dear God, disgraceful.
- Have you ever seen the like? - No, I have not.
How should we do this? How about £2 each for these and a tenner for the rest? I wasn't selling them, I was just showing you what one of your employees was up to.
Oh! Oh, my God, yes! What did you think? I completely misread the situation! This is disgraceful behaviour.
This employee shall be removed from his job straight away.
Thank you for informing us.
Hey, you, who's gonna deliver the milk now? Actually, next week is a big week.
We agreed to ease the milk surplus of Eastern Europe by buying 17,000 tonnes of milk from them.
Pat's sacking couldn't have come at a worse time.
Think of all that lovely milk with no one to drop it off.
I wish I could do it.
We could certainly trust a man of God.
A what? - A priest.
- Thanks for reminding me(!) But I'd love to be a milkman, that'd be fantastic.
God knows I do flip-all around here! You could certainly fill in for a while.
I'm not sure.
Father McGuire has other duties in the parish.
Like what? - And be sure to keep warm.
- Ted! Not in front of Mr Fox.
- And stay on the left of the road.
- Duh! I know! Stop it! That turns it on, that makes it go, that steers it.
- Ok.
Right.
- Ok! You're ready to be a milkman.
Better get going - milk gets sour, you know.
Unless it's UHT milk but there's no demand for that because it's shite.
(Beeps horn ) He'll be fine.
- (Clunk) - Ahh! What's going on? Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick.
It's a great pet.
He doesn't have to feed it or clean it.
Suits him perfectly.
I love my brick! Ahhh, that's nice.
Maybe we're seeing another side to Father Jack, a more caring Ahh, feck it! Fed up with "brick"! (Telephone rings ) Craggy Island parochial house Father Ted Crilly speaking It's me, Father, y'ignorant bastard.
Is that you, Mustard? You got me sacked and now I have to yank meself off because I haven't got any proper sex.
Well, if you're going to use that language No, I've something to tell you.
I've left a little surprise on the milk float your little friend took off me.
Something to remember me by.
- A bomb! - What?! A very special bomb.
When your little friend gets to over 4mph the bomb is armed but when he comes back under 4mph then (Imitates explosion ) Sorry, I lost you there.
What happens? - It'll go off.
- Oh, my God, Dougal! (Pat laughing evilly) Mrs Millettwo pints.
Two pints.
Two pints of milk.
(Doorbell) Pat Father! Oh, my God! Two pints.
Eh, two pints two pints.
There you go.
Bye, then.
(Doorbell) Morning, Mrs Gleason! (Screams ) Ok, right.
I'll just leave it here.
(Car horn honking) Dougal! Dougal! Are you going over 4mph?! I'm fine, leave me alone.
- Are you doing over four?! - Not yet.
(Click) Now I am.
Dougal, there's a bomb on the milk float! A bomb? Who's that for? It's not for delivery - it's going to kill you! Pat Mustard put it there! When you go under 4mph it'll explode! Have you got that?! Oh, God! I don't wanna be a milkman any more! Just don't slow down! Ted, look! It's a big bunch of boxes in the road! Just stay over four! (Beeps horn ) (Beeps horn ) Go, Dougal! Go, go, go! Get to the roundabout and circle it.
I have to have a think! Ted! (Phone rings ) Barren Island parochial house.
Father Beeching.
Derek, Dougal's on a milk float with a bomb that will blow up if it goes under 4mph.
Yes, that is a problem.
But don't panic, Ted, we'll find a way through it.
We've got to do something practical! WaitI have it.
(Engine chugging) The Lord be with you Oh, no! Mass! Mass today being offered for Father Dougal McGuire who finds himself in a trying and unfortunate situation.
We pray God will protect him from harm at thistime - and deliver him to safety.
- Amen.
(Pat laughing evilly) Oh, yes, they'll be peeling him off the wall for weeks to come.
Go in peace to love and serve the Lord (All) Amen.
Dougal, there's a roundabout! Just keep driving round! - Everything's gonna be Ok! - But I get dizzy! Don't get dizzy! You've got to come up with a plan.
Back to my house! ( # Tense music) - That's the idea? - It's the best we've had.
Another Mass - that's our best idea? I thought the other one went very well.
Dougal needs help, not a Mass! This isn't a time for Mass, this is a time for action! Is there anything to be said for saying another Mass? Just a small one? Oh, God, I love saying Mass.
Him and his Masses! One time, er, a few years ago, at the Moscow Olympics with, er, Sean Drea, the rower.
This is a great story.
- We don't have time! - It won't take a second.
Shut up and help me think of a practical solution.
Tea for everyone! Father Beeching, biscuit or cake? Biscuit or cake? Ooh Biscuit or cake, let's see - For God's sake, hurry up! - Biscuit.
No, cake! Have you seen the damage a bomb can do? Blow your face off! Well, it worked for them and they saved hundreds of lives.
We only have to save one.
That was different, The Towering Inferno was a building that caught fire! It's not the same as rescuing a priest from an explosive milk float.
And besides, they had Paul Newman and Steve McQueen.
God Almighty, I forgot Steve McQueen was in it.
Wait! I've got it! The Poseidon Adventure! - What? - Gene Hackman plays a priest in it.
(Poseidon Adventure title music plays on TV) Well, that was no help.
He didn't even say Mass.
Let's go to the roundabout and think of something there.
Oh! Fecking brick! Wait a minute, I've got an idea.
Yes, gentlemen Father Dougal is propelling the milk float by exerting a small amount of pressure on the accelerator.
If we replace his foot with an object then we can safely remove him from the vehicle.
You mean Yes.
We put the brick on the accelerator.
- Dougal! - Ahh! - I've got a plan.
- Ted, I want to be a priest again.
This isn't really your thing, is it? No, I don't like this job at all! All right, when I say step off, you step off, all right? k eep saying, "I want to be a priest.
" I want to be a priest, I want to be a priest, I want to be a priest, I want to be a priest! Step off the milk float, Dougal! Ted, you forgot your brick! Put it back! Put it back! Run, Dougal! I'm a priest! (Laughing evilly) Oh, yes, you messed with the wrong milkman, Father.
Well, I'm off.
Better get out the earplugs, Father, because when that milk float goes up, they'll hear it all the way to the North P (Distant rumbling) (Dialling tone ) - There y'are.
- Thanks, Ted.
Sure you don't want any milk? No, no, I'll stay off milk for a good long while.
You stick to what you're good at and I'm good at being a priest.
Uh, yes.
Ted, it's scary out there in the real non-priest world.
Not every job's as dangerous as being a milkman.
- Anyway, good night.
- Good night, Ted.
Those women were in the nip!