Father Ted s03e04 Episode Script
The mainland
(Helicopter) (TV) One foot in the grave One foot in the grave Come on, Dougal, turn off the video.
Ok, Ted.
That's a great show, isn't it? He's mad, isn't he? "I don't believe it!" he says.
- Which one were you watching? - What? Which episode of One Foot In The Grave? Eh? You've just watched it.
Don't you remember anything? I don't believe it! That's what he says.
Come on, hurry up, we're off to the mainland.
Hurray! Why? To go and collect my winnings.
£200 on Father Liam Rice in the limbo competition.
They don't know that he always walks like that! I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Dougal, there's a hole in your tank top.
Really, Ted? I don't believe it! Brilliant, Dougal.
Can we go to the caves after the betting shop? Please, please Ok, we'll go.
Fantastic.
Going to the caves.
I don't believe it! - Here we are now.
- (Dougal) I don't believe it! - Drink! - No, Father.
We're going to the opticians to get you some glasses.
We should all be careful on the mainland.
There's a lot of crime - arsonists and muggers all over.
My friend was robbed last week.
Oh, no! Did they get much? No, Father.
You misunderstand.
- She was robbed.
They stole her.
- Oh, I see.
Terrible when an old person can't walk the street without being stolen.
It is.
Come on, Dougal.
I don't want any accidents.
There's Mrs Dineen, Father.
You can drop me off here.
Right so.
- Hello, Father Crilly.
- Hello, Mrs Dineen.
(Mrs Doyle ) We'll go to the tea shop for a bit of a chat.
Right so.
Bye now.
God, Dougal, imagine spending any more time with those tw.
.
(Brakes screech) Oh, 200 big ones, Dougal! What? Oh, God, Ted.
I'm so happy.
The sun's out and we're in an opticians.
It doesn't get any better than this.
God, Ted! I just remembered.
I forgot to have any breakfast.
( # Dramatic music) We'll get something later, don't worry.
Oh, God, Ted, I'm so hungry.
There's no chance I couldn't die, could I? From the hunger? I don't think so.
Not for a few hours.
I'm finished now, Father.
Well, I must say, I'm confused.
His eyesight is better then ever before.
He read right to the last line and even I can't see that one.
AhI think I know what happened.
Father Jack has a fondness for saying that word.
Oh, I didn't know.
I've not used that chart before.
I got it free with a crate of Carlsberg.
Do you have anything to eat? Chips or a burger or a few chops? I'm out of my head with the hunger.
No.
I'll, er, just get the other chart.
So, what happened to his last glasses? No idea.
He went out of the house for a few minutes and they were gone! (Ted) Dougal, you forgot your scarf.
(Bird squawking) Fathers, this will take some time.
Oh, we'll head off.
Come on, we'll go to the caves.
Hurray! Now, this chart is from Slovakia's premiere lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries.
You remember Mrs kiernan? Well, she was shopping the other day and a man came over to her and killed her and stole her pen! killed her? Well, they think so.
They're keeping her in for tests.
Well, you know what happened to Mr Sweeney? Some fellas broke into his house and started messing with him and they put a bra on him.
Oh, God, poor Mr Sweeney.
He wouldn't like that at all.
I heard there were 200 cases of forced transvestism involving Mr Sweeney last year.
Oh, it's terrible.
What's the world coming to? Steady, Dougal.
Right, one more.
Steady.
God Almighty! Look who it is! It's that actor.
- Who? - The man from One Foot In The Grave, - the "I don't believe it" man! - Oh, wow! (Ted) That's amazing.
Look at him.
- Do you know what he'd love? - What? If somebody went up and said his catchphrase.
Yeah! He'd love that.
You should definitely do that.
- Should I? - I'd say no one ever does that! He'll think you're hilarious.
This is one of these times when I'm absolutely sure it's the right thing.
I can safely say you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.
- I'm going to do it! - Brilliant! - Will I? - Yeah! Go on! Hold the camera.
I don't believe it! (Wilson ) I'll bloody well kill you! Well, what did he say? Did he laugh? No, no, no, not really.
I'm going to sit down now.
Oh, God, no! I could never be one of those have-a-go heroes.
I didn't know my own strength.
I heard his arm snap then it was just a case of lying on top of him until the filth arrived.
We'd better be off, Mrs Doyle.
I'll get this.
Oh, no, Mrs Dineen.
I'll get this.
No, now don't be silly.
I'll pay.
You won't! Put that away.
Now, don't be stupid, Mrs Doyle.
No, no, no, no! Now, just put your money away.
You're mad! No, no, no, no.
(Crow screeching, Jack shouting) Fecking birds again.
Drink! Take the money! Take the money! (Both shouting and screaming) Get off! - I'm writing a cheque.
- No, you're not! - I am.
- Give me that cheque book! Hello, police? (Chatter) (Man ) We understand.
ThenI was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.
Yes! Yes.
All I could think about was where to get the next drink.
Drink! I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids.
Nah! Now, with all of your help, I'm coming through it.
I'm just taking it one day at a time.
(Group ) That's good.
Thank you, Ronald.
Now, I notice we have a new member with us today.
Father? Would you like to tell us your story? Drink! Drink! - Drink! - We hear you.
Let it all out.
Drink! It's so true.
So true This rock here is granite.
- How long has that been there? - Oh, many millions of years.
Really? As long as that? That is fascinating.
How come all the rocks are different sizes? Well, you knowrocks are generally different sizes.
Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of new things about rocks.
Of course, at this time, most of the area was under water.
- How did everyone breathe? - They had some sort of apparatus.
Right.
Wow! Look at that rock over there.
This is the oldest part of our tour.
This cave was formed 15 million years ago.
Wow.
I don't believe it.
You again.
Get out of it.
I never want to see you again.
Bastard! That path's not open to the Mr Wilson, could I say how sorry I am.
That's all right.
I just don't want to hear that bloody catchphrase.
(Thinks ) 'I don't believe it! 'I don't believe it!!' I'm sure we came in this way.
Ted, I'm so hungry I'm beginning to hallucinate.
Don't exaggerate.
And stop worrying, we'll get out of here in no time.
Let's try this way.
- (Ghostly wail) - Ted, what's that? - What's what? - Oooooh! Ted! I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouch, Scaramouch Will you do the fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning Very very frightening Me Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Galileo, Figaro, magnifico-o-o-o I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me He's just a poor boy from a poor family Save him his life from this monstrosity Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No! We will not let you go Bismillah, will not let you go Let me go No, no, no, no, no, no, NO - Noel, I've - # Mama Mia, let me go Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me For me For me As I was saying we should try and find an exit before the caves close.
- Good idea, Father.
- How long have you been in here? Two days now, Father.
At least, I think it's two days.
We've been having a great laugh! I erI just think that everyone would like to get out and get home.
Who can screech the loudest? Let's have a screeching competition! I'll go first Gerry Fields, your go.
- I'd rather not, Father.
- Go on! - It's easy-peasy! - I really think we should get out.
God, maybe you're right.
If not, we might have to eat each other! Like in that film Alive, where they get in a plane crash and they have to eat all their friends.
Look! Here's me eating Tony! Tony's going, "No, get off me, I'm not dead yet!" I'd be going, "But I'm hungry, Tony.
" And Tony'd be, "Oh, no, go away," wouldn't you, Tony? Here's Tony's parents when they hear that I've eaten Tony! "Why did you eat Tony? He was our only son.
" Then, I'd be at the funeral.
I'd be going, "Better not show my" Will you shut up, will you? Will you please shut up? Will you shut up, shut up, shut up? Well Well, I've never I've never Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies.
There You're in for it now, Tony.
Ha! Only joking! Look what I've written! Come on, someone else for the screeching competition.
Janine Reilly, she'd love a go! Go on, it's easy! I wouldn't do that, Noel.
Seriously, Noel.
So, it was me, Father Collis and Father Duggan, and you'd think that someone like Chris Evans wouldn't want to hang around with us.
And you'd be right! He didn't want to hang around with us at all! Ted, I'm going mad.
Yes, Noel, are you not worried about being trapped under those rocks? Not at all! You're here to keep me company and the Youth Group will be back with help soon.
They said they'd find the tour guide, tell him what happened, and come right back.
That's four tickets to Paraguay.
But I liked The English Patient.
Mmm.
Very confusing and far-fetched and very, very boring.
It was my kind of film.
Hmm.
Oh, oh.
I like The Piano as well.
Did you see Harvey k eitel running around in the nip! Did you see that, Ted? Ted? Ted? I hate leaving Noel but we can't help by just listening to him.
At least he'll be safe under those rocks.
Let's just get out then worry about Noel.
God, where is this exit? Aah! Ted, my tank top has turned into some sort of woman's bra! What? It's after unravelling.
Oh, my God, Dougal! We can find our way back with this.
You must have snagged it.
If we use this, we can find our way out.
Thank God, Dougal! We'll be out in no time.
Should you be winding it up? Shouldn't we follow it? What? What use will it be when you've finished winding it up? I don't believe it.
(Ted's voice echoing) I don't believe itbelieve it Believe it I don't believe it (Echo continues ) (Screams ) Pub.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink, drink, drink, drink.
Don't do it, Father.
I won't let you do it.
I know it hurts but you'll thank me for Oh, thank God.
There's someone buried in the caves.
He's Ok but you should go quickly.
Please hurry.
Come on, I want to go before they rescue him.
Come on, Dougal, relax.
The food will be here in a minute.
(Telephone rings ) Hello? - Is that Father Crilly? - Yes, this is him.
We've been looking for you all night.
Do you know a Mrs Doyle? First name, Mrs (Fire bell rings ) .
.
Doyle? Er, do I know a Mrs (Plates smash) .
.
Doyle? Erm We do, Ted.
Yes, she's our housekeeper.
Can you come to the police station? She's been in a spot of trouble.
Now, Mrs Dineen, if there's a fine, I'll pay it.
- No, no, no - Thank you, Father.
Father Hackett! Dougal, there's no time to eat that.
We have to get Mrs Doyle and Mrs Dineen (Phone rings ) .
.
and Father Jack out of prison.
Come on.
I'm very, very sorry.
You wouldn't have a lasagne or a chicken curry or something? No.
Ok, I'll just have a bag of chips and a Fanta orange as well.
This is a police station.
Rightin that case, just the chicken satay and pilau rice.
I hope you don't think this happens all the time.
We're not all criminals in the church.
I hope this won't put you off Mass.
I'm a Protestant, Father.
Really? Ah It's a straight choice, Father - a £200 fine or a night in the cells.
Well, I wouldn't have that kind of money on me.
In the circumstances, a night in the cells might be the better option.
- Ted - Shut up, Dougal.
- Ted.
- Dougal, be quiet.
- I was - All right, all right! Here.
Here's your blood money! But let me say this, once, the police were friends of the Church.
Drunk-driving charges quashed, parking tickets torn up.
Even a blind eye to murder but now And you, are you satisfied? I gave him the money.
"Ted, give him the £200 you won.
" Well, I did.
Happy? Once again, you've made me look an idiot in front of real people.
Thank you so much.
Right, to be honest, Ted, I forgot you had the money.
I was going to say your fly's open.
God, what did I say? There's always trouble on the mainland.
I'm never going there again unless it's completely unavoidable.
Which, it isn't.
Unfortunately.
(Door bell) OhII don't believe it! Fat bottomed girls they make the rocking world go round
Ok, Ted.
That's a great show, isn't it? He's mad, isn't he? "I don't believe it!" he says.
- Which one were you watching? - What? Which episode of One Foot In The Grave? Eh? You've just watched it.
Don't you remember anything? I don't believe it! That's what he says.
Come on, hurry up, we're off to the mainland.
Hurray! Why? To go and collect my winnings.
£200 on Father Liam Rice in the limbo competition.
They don't know that he always walks like that! I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Dougal, there's a hole in your tank top.
Really, Ted? I don't believe it! Brilliant, Dougal.
Can we go to the caves after the betting shop? Please, please Ok, we'll go.
Fantastic.
Going to the caves.
I don't believe it! - Here we are now.
- (Dougal) I don't believe it! - Drink! - No, Father.
We're going to the opticians to get you some glasses.
We should all be careful on the mainland.
There's a lot of crime - arsonists and muggers all over.
My friend was robbed last week.
Oh, no! Did they get much? No, Father.
You misunderstand.
- She was robbed.
They stole her.
- Oh, I see.
Terrible when an old person can't walk the street without being stolen.
It is.
Come on, Dougal.
I don't want any accidents.
There's Mrs Dineen, Father.
You can drop me off here.
Right so.
- Hello, Father Crilly.
- Hello, Mrs Dineen.
(Mrs Doyle ) We'll go to the tea shop for a bit of a chat.
Right so.
Bye now.
God, Dougal, imagine spending any more time with those tw.
.
(Brakes screech) Oh, 200 big ones, Dougal! What? Oh, God, Ted.
I'm so happy.
The sun's out and we're in an opticians.
It doesn't get any better than this.
God, Ted! I just remembered.
I forgot to have any breakfast.
( # Dramatic music) We'll get something later, don't worry.
Oh, God, Ted, I'm so hungry.
There's no chance I couldn't die, could I? From the hunger? I don't think so.
Not for a few hours.
I'm finished now, Father.
Well, I must say, I'm confused.
His eyesight is better then ever before.
He read right to the last line and even I can't see that one.
AhI think I know what happened.
Father Jack has a fondness for saying that word.
Oh, I didn't know.
I've not used that chart before.
I got it free with a crate of Carlsberg.
Do you have anything to eat? Chips or a burger or a few chops? I'm out of my head with the hunger.
No.
I'll, er, just get the other chart.
So, what happened to his last glasses? No idea.
He went out of the house for a few minutes and they were gone! (Ted) Dougal, you forgot your scarf.
(Bird squawking) Fathers, this will take some time.
Oh, we'll head off.
Come on, we'll go to the caves.
Hurray! Now, this chart is from Slovakia's premiere lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries.
You remember Mrs kiernan? Well, she was shopping the other day and a man came over to her and killed her and stole her pen! killed her? Well, they think so.
They're keeping her in for tests.
Well, you know what happened to Mr Sweeney? Some fellas broke into his house and started messing with him and they put a bra on him.
Oh, God, poor Mr Sweeney.
He wouldn't like that at all.
I heard there were 200 cases of forced transvestism involving Mr Sweeney last year.
Oh, it's terrible.
What's the world coming to? Steady, Dougal.
Right, one more.
Steady.
God Almighty! Look who it is! It's that actor.
- Who? - The man from One Foot In The Grave, - the "I don't believe it" man! - Oh, wow! (Ted) That's amazing.
Look at him.
- Do you know what he'd love? - What? If somebody went up and said his catchphrase.
Yeah! He'd love that.
You should definitely do that.
- Should I? - I'd say no one ever does that! He'll think you're hilarious.
This is one of these times when I'm absolutely sure it's the right thing.
I can safely say you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.
- I'm going to do it! - Brilliant! - Will I? - Yeah! Go on! Hold the camera.
I don't believe it! (Wilson ) I'll bloody well kill you! Well, what did he say? Did he laugh? No, no, no, not really.
I'm going to sit down now.
Oh, God, no! I could never be one of those have-a-go heroes.
I didn't know my own strength.
I heard his arm snap then it was just a case of lying on top of him until the filth arrived.
We'd better be off, Mrs Doyle.
I'll get this.
Oh, no, Mrs Dineen.
I'll get this.
No, now don't be silly.
I'll pay.
You won't! Put that away.
Now, don't be stupid, Mrs Doyle.
No, no, no, no! Now, just put your money away.
You're mad! No, no, no, no.
(Crow screeching, Jack shouting) Fecking birds again.
Drink! Take the money! Take the money! (Both shouting and screaming) Get off! - I'm writing a cheque.
- No, you're not! - I am.
- Give me that cheque book! Hello, police? (Chatter) (Man ) We understand.
ThenI was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.
Yes! Yes.
All I could think about was where to get the next drink.
Drink! I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids.
Nah! Now, with all of your help, I'm coming through it.
I'm just taking it one day at a time.
(Group ) That's good.
Thank you, Ronald.
Now, I notice we have a new member with us today.
Father? Would you like to tell us your story? Drink! Drink! - Drink! - We hear you.
Let it all out.
Drink! It's so true.
So true This rock here is granite.
- How long has that been there? - Oh, many millions of years.
Really? As long as that? That is fascinating.
How come all the rocks are different sizes? Well, you knowrocks are generally different sizes.
Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of new things about rocks.
Of course, at this time, most of the area was under water.
- How did everyone breathe? - They had some sort of apparatus.
Right.
Wow! Look at that rock over there.
This is the oldest part of our tour.
This cave was formed 15 million years ago.
Wow.
I don't believe it.
You again.
Get out of it.
I never want to see you again.
Bastard! That path's not open to the Mr Wilson, could I say how sorry I am.
That's all right.
I just don't want to hear that bloody catchphrase.
(Thinks ) 'I don't believe it! 'I don't believe it!!' I'm sure we came in this way.
Ted, I'm so hungry I'm beginning to hallucinate.
Don't exaggerate.
And stop worrying, we'll get out of here in no time.
Let's try this way.
- (Ghostly wail) - Ted, what's that? - What's what? - Oooooh! Ted! I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouch, Scaramouch Will you do the fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning Very very frightening Me Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Galileo, Figaro, magnifico-o-o-o I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me He's just a poor boy from a poor family Save him his life from this monstrosity Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No! We will not let you go Bismillah, will not let you go Let me go No, no, no, no, no, no, NO - Noel, I've - # Mama Mia, let me go Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me For me For me As I was saying we should try and find an exit before the caves close.
- Good idea, Father.
- How long have you been in here? Two days now, Father.
At least, I think it's two days.
We've been having a great laugh! I erI just think that everyone would like to get out and get home.
Who can screech the loudest? Let's have a screeching competition! I'll go first Gerry Fields, your go.
- I'd rather not, Father.
- Go on! - It's easy-peasy! - I really think we should get out.
God, maybe you're right.
If not, we might have to eat each other! Like in that film Alive, where they get in a plane crash and they have to eat all their friends.
Look! Here's me eating Tony! Tony's going, "No, get off me, I'm not dead yet!" I'd be going, "But I'm hungry, Tony.
" And Tony'd be, "Oh, no, go away," wouldn't you, Tony? Here's Tony's parents when they hear that I've eaten Tony! "Why did you eat Tony? He was our only son.
" Then, I'd be at the funeral.
I'd be going, "Better not show my" Will you shut up, will you? Will you please shut up? Will you shut up, shut up, shut up? Well Well, I've never I've never Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies.
There You're in for it now, Tony.
Ha! Only joking! Look what I've written! Come on, someone else for the screeching competition.
Janine Reilly, she'd love a go! Go on, it's easy! I wouldn't do that, Noel.
Seriously, Noel.
So, it was me, Father Collis and Father Duggan, and you'd think that someone like Chris Evans wouldn't want to hang around with us.
And you'd be right! He didn't want to hang around with us at all! Ted, I'm going mad.
Yes, Noel, are you not worried about being trapped under those rocks? Not at all! You're here to keep me company and the Youth Group will be back with help soon.
They said they'd find the tour guide, tell him what happened, and come right back.
That's four tickets to Paraguay.
But I liked The English Patient.
Mmm.
Very confusing and far-fetched and very, very boring.
It was my kind of film.
Hmm.
Oh, oh.
I like The Piano as well.
Did you see Harvey k eitel running around in the nip! Did you see that, Ted? Ted? Ted? I hate leaving Noel but we can't help by just listening to him.
At least he'll be safe under those rocks.
Let's just get out then worry about Noel.
God, where is this exit? Aah! Ted, my tank top has turned into some sort of woman's bra! What? It's after unravelling.
Oh, my God, Dougal! We can find our way back with this.
You must have snagged it.
If we use this, we can find our way out.
Thank God, Dougal! We'll be out in no time.
Should you be winding it up? Shouldn't we follow it? What? What use will it be when you've finished winding it up? I don't believe it.
(Ted's voice echoing) I don't believe itbelieve it Believe it I don't believe it (Echo continues ) (Screams ) Pub.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink, drink, drink, drink.
Don't do it, Father.
I won't let you do it.
I know it hurts but you'll thank me for Oh, thank God.
There's someone buried in the caves.
He's Ok but you should go quickly.
Please hurry.
Come on, I want to go before they rescue him.
Come on, Dougal, relax.
The food will be here in a minute.
(Telephone rings ) Hello? - Is that Father Crilly? - Yes, this is him.
We've been looking for you all night.
Do you know a Mrs Doyle? First name, Mrs (Fire bell rings ) .
.
Doyle? Er, do I know a Mrs (Plates smash) .
.
Doyle? Erm We do, Ted.
Yes, she's our housekeeper.
Can you come to the police station? She's been in a spot of trouble.
Now, Mrs Dineen, if there's a fine, I'll pay it.
- No, no, no - Thank you, Father.
Father Hackett! Dougal, there's no time to eat that.
We have to get Mrs Doyle and Mrs Dineen (Phone rings ) .
.
and Father Jack out of prison.
Come on.
I'm very, very sorry.
You wouldn't have a lasagne or a chicken curry or something? No.
Ok, I'll just have a bag of chips and a Fanta orange as well.
This is a police station.
Rightin that case, just the chicken satay and pilau rice.
I hope you don't think this happens all the time.
We're not all criminals in the church.
I hope this won't put you off Mass.
I'm a Protestant, Father.
Really? Ah It's a straight choice, Father - a £200 fine or a night in the cells.
Well, I wouldn't have that kind of money on me.
In the circumstances, a night in the cells might be the better option.
- Ted - Shut up, Dougal.
- Ted.
- Dougal, be quiet.
- I was - All right, all right! Here.
Here's your blood money! But let me say this, once, the police were friends of the Church.
Drunk-driving charges quashed, parking tickets torn up.
Even a blind eye to murder but now And you, are you satisfied? I gave him the money.
"Ted, give him the £200 you won.
" Well, I did.
Happy? Once again, you've made me look an idiot in front of real people.
Thank you so much.
Right, to be honest, Ted, I forgot you had the money.
I was going to say your fly's open.
God, what did I say? There's always trouble on the mainland.
I'm never going there again unless it's completely unavoidable.
Which, it isn't.
Unfortunately.
(Door bell) OhII don't believe it! Fat bottomed girls they make the rocking world go round