Filthy Preppy Teen$ (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[rhythmic clapping]
[upbeat music]
- Many of you may have heard
that our two most popular
and wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop, were
lost at sea three months ago
and are presumed dead.
- Mom, Dad, we're alive.
- Being a high-powered lawyer
is gonna look really good
on college applications.
- Parker, you need
to quit that job.
It's literally ruining
your life.
- Hello, everyone.
We're back.
- Time marched on.
Everything's
super different now.
- She thinks
she can replace us?
- If they don't want
to let us back on top,
we're gonna have to break in
and take it.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Why am I blindfolded
if I'm not having sex?
- I have a surprise for you.
Remember freshman year
when we opened our club
and we were so cool
and so popular?
- Mm-hmm?
- This is my idea.
Wereopen the club.
The building still has
great bones.
Welcome to our old club, sissy.
- This can't be our old club.
You!
Come here.
What happened to this place?
- Oh, this is
the No Home House.
It's a shelter for homeless
and at-risk teens.
- Ugh.
- Don't say another word.
- I wasn't going to.
I finished the description.
- This is hell.
We need to get this back
to our old club and fast.
- Hmm.
How?
- By getting these
awful teens out
and getting
the right awful teens in.
I have a plan.
[over megaphone]
Fire! There's a fire!
- Where?
- It's over there.
It's really warm.
You should get all
of your stuff.
- Yes.
Guys!
Barrel fire!
Whoo!
Ahh!
- Call Daddy's
interior designer.
We have work to do.
And by "we," I mean him.
And by "him,"
I mean those scared interns
that work for him.
- All right,
I will now begin mediation
between Mr. and Mrs. Preacher,
both represented
by their daughter, Parker.
Who would like to begin?
- Your vomit-inducing father
owes me 1,000% of everything.
- Your mother is actual vomit,
and I'll give her 200%, tops.
- Defendant,
I was deposing the plaintiff.
Please do not speak until
questioned by your own attorney.
Okay, now I'm your lawyer.
So you say that your third
sports car is used for business
and therefore cannot be counted
among your assets?
Objection! Mark as an objection
and answer the question, please!
- Are you okay, sweetie?
- I ask the questions.
So what was your claim?
Did we cover that?
Objection!
The plaintiff's lawyer
is texting?
No, I am not.
How dare you accuse me
of texting!
[upbeat music]
♪
- Oh whoa ♪
♪
- What the gupp, Parker?
Books?
No one reads anymore.
If it's not presented
in an Internet giftacle,
I'm not interested.
- I know. I know.
I just have a huge trial
that could make or break me
at the firm.
- So?
- "So"?
If I win, I could make partner
at Sack, Sorghum, and Johnstern.
I didn't go to law school over
spring break in high school
to be some middle-of-the-road
high school spring break lawyer.
And this isn't just any trial.
My parents are getting divorced,
and I'm representing both
of them.
- Wow.
I didn't realize.
- Yeah, it's difficult.
I mean, not emotionally.
- Of course not.
You're very cold.
- But professionally.
Because I'm the best there is,
and I'm up against
the best there is.
Myself.
I'm freaking out, B.
I have so much work to do.
I have so much research.
I don't sleep.
I can't eat.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I know just what you need,
and I know the guy
who can get it.
It's called "cram."
Take one and you have the drive
of Taylor Swift
with the brain of Taylor Swift's
Jewish manager.
- I don't do drugs though.
- Oh, relax, Parker.
Cram's not a drug,
it's a lifestyle.
And here's the kicker.
It's super addictive.
- Okay.
Cool.
♪
- I don't get it.
Why isn't there a line?
- This isn't bangin'.
Why isn't it bangin'?
- I don't know.
It's already been 15 seconds.
- We created an amazing club.
There's a super exclusive
VIP area,
hot lighting, mechanical bull,
chill vibes.
What did we do wrong?
- Um, just everything.
This kind of club
is so three months ago.
- This is my worst nightmare.
So what's cool now?
- Homeless teens.
Obvi.
- Shipwrecked on an island
for three months
and the whole world falls apart.
♪
- Jacq, honey?
Jacq?
Sweetie, where are you off to
this afternoon?
- I have a meeting with
the surfboard factory people
to help broker a partnership
with the paddleboard building
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- People.
Oh, okay. I thought you were
asking me a question.
- No, no, I'm wondering
if maybe you could
stop by here before,
in my erogenous zone.
- You know,
I was checking Waze
- Mm-hmm?
- And I am already running late.
But let's get something
on the books soon.
- Mother?
- Mother?
- Oh, hey, kids.
How was your day?
- The club reopening
was a bomb,
but I think once we take
that random passerby's advice,
it's gonna be the hottest club
in town.
- Totally.
Everyone who's anyone will come
to dance or party
or have a torrid affair.
Yeah, perfect place
for an affair.
Or to eat food.
- That's what I need.
[dishes clattering]
If husband won't stay home,
wife is going
to the hottest club in town.
- Mom, is there snacks?
- "Is there a snacks?"
And yes, I left some out
on the affair I'm gonna have
at your new club.
- What?
- Ohin the pantry,
next to the dicks.
- Oh, right.
♪
- Welcome back, everyone.
You, I want you crouched down
in the VIP area.
You, lie down on the floor.
For you, you should just
be yelling at yourself.
Oh, and don't skimp
on the curse words.
All right, and you, I want you
itchy and twitchy, okay?
Rub yourself on everything.
- Great teamwork, Meegs.
You transformed this once
out-of-date and disgusting club
into a banging homeless shelter.
Slide it.
- Now let's open before Beatrix
tries to one-up us again.
- Damn it!
- If we don't get
some attention soon,
I'm gonna light myself on fire.
- I even rigged the AC system
to release authentic BO.
It literally reeks
of homeless chic.
How is nobody interested?
- You took too long.
This kind of club is so
the last time I talked to you.
- Homeless teens
aren't cool anymore?
- Nah.
- I'm gonna rip out
your uvula!
- I get that a lot.
- Out!
Get out.
- It's like,
if homeless teens aren't cool
and not-homeless teens
aren't cool, what's left?
Camp counselors?
[hisses]
[grunts]
This place sucks!
♪
That's weird.
It always comes back.
[majestic music]
Whoa!
♪
Meegan, I think there's a whole
other club behind this wall.
- This isn't a club.
This is, like, another world.
OMG, Chaad, this is like
that book--you know the one
about the mythical land
behind the wardrobe?
- No.
I don't read.
- Right.
- Wait.
What's that?
- Who hit me with that thing?
Struck me upon my brow
and hurtlike hell.
- Who are you?
- I am Unipony.
Beyond that parapet lies the
magical kingdom of Identreed.
Weits creatures.
And Iits prince.
- A club full
of magical creatures?
We've got a hook.
A dope hook.
- [voice echoes]
My brethren!
Come forth!
[techno music]
♪
- Wow.
This is, like, next-week cool.
- It doesn't matter
how you feel today ♪
Tomorrow's on the way ♪
So get ready
for the big show ♪
- Hey, welcome to Iden.
Have a cool time.
Welcome to Iden.
Cool to see you.
Yeah, welcome to Iden.
Have a cool time.
- Stop saying "cool" so much.
- Welcome to Iden.
Have a ginormoustastic night.
- Okay, go back to "cool."
♪
Is that Mom?
- Whoa.
Mom looks like a hot stripper.
Mother!
- So get ready
for the big show ♪
- Mommy!
- And it's beautiful ♪
You got a strong GF ♪
- My, my, my.
- LGF, LGF ♪
- Look at this pretty mouth.
- You like it?
- Hey, welcome to Iden!
- Hey, cool! It's very cool.
- Very cool.
- Cool--it's cool to see you.
- Yeah, cool to see you.
- Hi.
Is it, um--
♪
- Got your fix.
- And it's beautiful ♪
- How do I
how do I do it?
- Um
nose, mouth, veins, butt.
Just get it into your system
and it'll definitely work.
- So I can crush it into--
- Don't crush it
into applesauce.
Are you 12?
Parker, just please act
like you've done drugs before.
[sighs]
- Yeah.
- [groans]
[upbeat music]
♪
- And that, Your Honor,
is why this woman
deserves full alimony
and all of the assets
that she has requested,
times two.
Objection!
Impossible.
I'll hear it.
My objection is that my client
deserves all of his assets that
he has requested, times two.
These are both
bulletproof arguments.
Counsel restsand rocks.
- Not the most impressive
conclusion,
but everything before that was--
I'll just say it--perfection.
I move to decide
for the plaintiff
- Yes!
No!
- And the defendant.
- Ooh.
- "Ooh" is right.
What this young woman
has accomplished here
is a landmark triumph.
In legal terms,
a double win.
Plaintiff is awarded
full alimony,
both houses, and the boat.
Defendant also gets
full alimony,
also both houses,
and the boat.
Case dismissed.
- That's my daughter.
- No.
That's my daughter.
[tense music]
♪
- Mmm, there's more
where that came from.
- Oh, it's the ultra.
- Mmm.
- Oh, you know, I've never been
with a unicorn before.
- Please.
Unipony.
We are entirely separate
species.
- Oh, I just thought,
because you have ahorn.
- "Horn"?
- Yeah, aboom.
- No, that's a tumor.
Yes, my lady,
soon I shall die.
But now, I shan't die alone.
- Oh
- Return with me to Identreed
where I am king.
- King?
- Well, technically prince,
but when we wed,
you will be my queen.
- Okay, look.
Uh, my husband gets home
around 9:00,
and I have
a nail appointment tomorrow,
so I can't go to the tree palace
behind the curtain.
You're gonna have to go back
by yourself.
- If I go,
I might die.
There's a bounty on my head for
stopping the Freidu incursion.
- I thought you had a tumor
on your head.
[techno music]
- Oh, God, so lame.
- I'm so over this place.
- So lame, bro.
♪
- [blowing pan flute]
- Yo, ladies, come on.
Come on.
You don't want to go.
Club is en fuego.
Right now, come on.
- This place is over.
- Ladies, come on.
- Totes over.
- Where you going?
[grunts]
- This club is so yesterday.
- Is it ever today with you?
- That question
is so two months ago.
- Bro, it's not helpful.
Beat it.
- Fine.
Then I guess I won't tell you
what's so tomorrow
when Kale comes to review
your club.
Still want me to beat it,
or do you want to buy me
another drink?
- We're getting Kale from Blurp
here tomorrow?
- "Kale from Blurp"?
You sound like a space farmer.
- Blurp Reviews is that
one-second review site,
and Kale is the guy who does
"Hottest Reviews."
And he is the first and last
word on what's cool, literally.
The longest Blurp review was
three syllables, "Butt garbage."
No one ever went
to that Holocaust museum again.
- So last month.
- Clearly we don't know
what we're doing, nor do we
have the desire to learn,
so just tell us what we need
to know about Kale.
- He's 16 years old,
he has the attention span
of a baby lizard on cocaine,
and here's the kicker--
he has ADD.
- So cool.
- I know.
It's just, like,
the coolest disease.
- You want the way
to his heart?
Change.
- Brilliant.
- Yes, change.
Quarters, nickels, dimes--
- You're saying we change
the theme of the club,
like, every five minutes?
- Right.
That.
I'm with you.
I'm so with you.
[upbeat music]
♪
[dramatic music]
[laughter]
- Oh, gosh.
So, uh, all we need to do
is sign this page and we're
divorced, right, Parker?
- Give me a second!
Okay?
- All we need is a pen, honey.
- You know?
We do need a pen to sigh with.
Park, we need a pen.
- Just a pen, Parker.
Are you okay, honey?
- We just need a pen.
[voice distorted]
Parker, are you okay?
- We need a pen.
[voices distorted]
Honey?
- Hon?
- A pen?
Parker, are you okay?
Pen.
- A pen.
Are you tripping?
- Pen.
Honey, the pen.
♪
- No! No! No! No! No!
♪
- [sucks teeth]
- Kale from Blurp has arrived.
- He's here.
Uber is out front.
- Game on.
- [sighs]
Slide it.
♪
- Oh, this is fun!
- Mmm, you know what's fun?
- No.
- The Feast of Levendoor.
A four-day
bacchanalian brunch
culminating in an unsheathing
of the Sword of Thayuun.
- Oh!
[both chuckle]
- Please, Lady Kyle,
won't you reconsider?
You deserve a king.
- Oh!
It's so good.
Oh, yes.
- Advantage, Unipony.
- Eww.
♪
- What the gupp?
Is that Kale?
- That's Kale from Blurp.
- I hear he has ADD.
He's so cool.
- Kale, it's an honor
to meet you.
I've been following you
ever since
you started doing this
a few weeks ago.
We normally have
bottle service for VIPs,
but for VVIPs like you,
we have burrito bowl service.
♪
We're losing him.
- 15 seconds
till theme switch.
- We don't have
that kind of time.
Send them early.
- [sighs] Okay.
Send 'em at 4:50.
I don't care
if they're not dressed,
just go.
[crowd cheering]
♪
both: Whoa!
- Pink party.
Cool.
Yeah.
I think he likes it.
- Yeah.
- Sick.
♪
- I can't--I can't do this.
I have a husband.
I'm not a queen.
I'm just a really, really,
really hot and wealthy woman
who should be treated like
a princess.
- The oracle
did predict it thus.
Very well.
I shall return
to Identreed alone.
- Oh
- Make way, mortal.
♪
- Feeble prince,
you return too late.
We now claim the bounty
on your head.
- No!
[somber music]
- Unipony!
♪
[crowd gasps]
♪
- Oh, no.
We're screwed.
- [snaps fingers]
- Oh, uh, do you want to--no.
Do you want a burrito bowl?
- How about some shoes?
- Shoes, mmm.
- Great shoes.
- Do you want a phone?
We have phones.
- Yeah, how about a cell phone?
- Shiny man got arrow
in his heart.
III
[upbeat music]
♪
- What does it mean?
- I don't know.
- "I-I-I."
"I'm into it."
- He liked it.
I can't believe it.
We'll be back on top
before prom.
- I mean, all I want back
is my day-to-day,
super rich life where my sexy,
mythical beast
isn't murdered right
in front of me, you know?
I mean, all I want is
is my husband.
That is so weird.
[cell phone rings]
Oh, my God.
That's him.
Look. See?
[gasps]
He was thinking about me
at the same time.
- Hey, sweetie.
I had such a fascinating day
at work today.
We were able to change
the zoning
on the old Lafayette Street
property,
so we can start demolition
this week.
And I'm thinking
we could grandfather that
and pay zoning
- He's hot.
♪
- III
III
III
III
- Kale's review just went live
on Blurp an hour ago.
We're number one
on "17 Club Magnates Under 17."
- So why is no one else here?
[cell phone keys clacking]
- You! You're the reason
why this is happening.
You're the only constant.
- Me?
I don't see what I did wrong.
I don't know why you listened
to my opinion.
I'm so two weeks ago.
In fact, I never even was.
- Ooh!
[grunting]
♪
♪
- The annual fundraiser,
The Running of the Poors!
The qualification is anyone
who makes less
than $500,000 annually.
For Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
a recent inmate.
- What?
She sabotaged us.
- In the pen,
wine doesn't come from grapes.
It comes from mop buckets.
- Which one is bougie,
which one is basic,
and which one is boss?
- I don't get it.
- High status means being able
to categorize people and things
so you can place them
below you.
- Ohh.
- I got an invite
from Vicki Katz.
You're acting super weird, bro.
It's almost as if you don't know
who Vicki Katz is.
- Uh-oh, I think someone
doesn't belong here.
♪
♪
[growling]
[typewriter keys clacking]
[bell dings]
[rhythmic clapping]