Filthy Preppy Teen$ (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[rhythmic clapping]
[hip-hop music]
- Many of you may have hard
that our two most popular,
wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
were lost at sea
three months ago.
- Hello, everyone.
We're back.
- When you were gone,
time marched on.
Everything's
super different now.
- She thinks she can
replace us.
- If they don't want
to let us back on top,
we're gonna have to break in
and take it.
- I'm going to pretend
to be gay.
- You're what?
- The gay clique is the most
powerful group at my new school.
It's a chance
to totally reinvent myself.
[hip-hop music]
TV announcer:
Tune in Friday night
for "The Running of the Poors,"
brought to you by Brewster Bay
Preparatory Academy.
Poor contestants are chosen
at random,
then trained to act
rich and entitled
by selected
Brewster Bay students.
It all leads up
to the fake competition,
the poor that most convincingly
acts wealthy
will take home
the $12 million prize.
See it all Friday night,
live and uninterrupted.
[glass breaking]
- Oh, my God!
- [screams] Who are you?
- We're rich.
- You've been selected
for "The Running of the Poors"!
- Oh, my God!
- [screams]
- But shut up.
- Okay.
[hip-hop music]
♪
- And I told him,
"Do not wear a newsboy hat."
Anyway, I had to change
my status back to single
immediately.
Yeah.
- Excuse me.
Hi. Could you tell me
where the poor sign in?
I'm a little late.
I had to till the peanut fields
this morning.
Oh, where are my manners?
I'm Nick.
- Um, your hands are
really dirty,
and I just
oxygenated mine.
Go find a sink.
- Thank you kindly.
- I am thrilled to kick off
the annual fundraiser,
The Running of the Poors.
[applause]
It will consist
of a series of events
that will test the financially
disadvantaged citizen's ability
to live
among the non-poor,
for the chance to win
$12 million.
- Hey.
- That's a whole lot of money.
- I will now randomly draw
the student/poor pairing.
You have 48 hours
to teach your poors
the ways of the wealthy.
The most convincing poor
will take home the prize.
Darcy Swede,
your poor is
John D'Agostino,
a horseback riding instructor.
Beatrix Driver,
your poor is
Nick Bolen,
a peanut farmer.
- What?
- Lucas Shapiro,
your poor is
- No.
[sighs]
- The President
of the United States.
And for our reigning champions,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
Wayland Brice,
a recent inmate
released from the Brewster Bay
penitentiary.
- What?
She sabotaged us.
- The Warden likes to call him
"a true psycho."
Enjoy.
- We're gupped.
[dramatic music]
- Well, I have
some good news.
I got an invite
for us all tonight
for a very exclusive
one-night-only engagement
of Vicki Katz.
- Can you believe it?
[dramatic music]
- You're acting super weird,
Braff.
♪
It's almost as if you don't know
who Vicki Katz is.
- Of course he does.
Vicki Katz is
the gay comedienne.
Every gay man on earth knows
who Vicki Katz is.
Vicki Katz loves her gays,
and we love her right back.
- [chuckles]
Yeah, exactly.
♪
- We the illest ♪
- What? ♪
- Everybody grab
your drinks ♪
- Don't spill it ♪
- I got a drink in my hand ♪
- Chug it, get another one
I think that's my plan ♪
- Yeah, yeah ♪
- Okay, let's start
with your health.
Trust me, Wayland,
for your blood type,
whey protein over hemp was
definitely the right move.
I'm kind of
a holistic nutritionist.
Okay.
Shall we move on to "Investing
in Cool Street Artist"
or "Gut Cleansing 101?"
- Listen, princess,
I'm gonna win this contest.
I didn't survive in prison
by shoving kumquats up my ass
or whatever it is
you fancy-pants kids do.
I survived by deciding
what was mine and taking it.
♪
Get up.
- Excuse me,
you may have our seats
once we're through
with our petit déjeuner,
thank you very much.
- [snorts]
- Okay, all yours.
- Looks like we're done
with real estate takeovers.
What's next?
- [slurping]
Mmm.
[burps]
Now, I promise you
I will give it my all.
Before he died, my daddy told me
that hard work will alw--
- I don't care.
We're not gonna be friends.
This is strictly
a business relationship.
- Okay.
- And for the record,
I don't like farmers.
It's farmers who refuse
to let my father
eminent-domain their land
into a golf course.
- Look, I don't know
nothing about that, I swear.
All right, I'm just here to
win a better life for myself.
Surely we can find
some common ground, Beatrix.
These smoothies are
sweet as a Georgia peach.
I think I'll have another one.
You all right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
[country music]
- Ah, it's true ♪
♪
- Call me when I'm not
at Cher's house, Mom.
She drinks. I can't blame her.
I drink too.
I was born this way.
Bananas? Bananas?
Who even likes bananas?
Who even eats bananas?
Nobody.
- Doesn't everybody eat
bananas?
- Daniel Craig,
Daniel Radcliffe.
Daniel Craig,
Daniel Radcliffe.
Daniel Craig,
Madonna!
- No, no,
I'm done, that's it.
I don't get it,
not gonna try.
- You're acting super weird,
Braff.
It's almost as if you don't know
who Vicki Katz is.
[echoing] Vicki Katz is.
Vicki Katz is. Vicki Katz is.
- Okay, I have to try to get it.
This--
- Uh, Madonna.
- The toughest event
will be wine tasting.
Wayland, we're supposed to be
teaching you about wine.
Why are we not
in a vineyard?
- Shut it. In the pen,
wine doesn't come from grapes.
Comes from mop buckets.
- Okay.
- You got some enemies
in the pen,
get yourself
some arsenic--
maybe from a crooked guard
or something--
and you poison
his bucket wine.
Oh, hold up.
Always wear gloves
when you're sprinkling arsenic,
and if you ain't got no gloves,
get yourself some condoms.
Put 'em on your fingers
like some little finger puppets,
and if you ain't got no condoms,
don't have sex with anyone.
- Would you consider this
to be more of a Burgundy
or a Bordeaux?
- Rosé, dumbass.
[country music]
- With my hair blowin' ♪
- Ahh.
- Okay, Old MacDonald,
focus up.
Let's try another one.
Which one is bougie,
which one is basic,
and which one is boss?
- I don't get it.
- Let me explain this to you
in simple farm person terms.
Right now,
you are not bougie--
I mean, you're not even basic--
and if you ever hope to be boss,
you need to understand
that status is everything.
- This cream filled mask is
burning my face.
- [gasps]
That's good.
A glowy, waxy complexion
communicates high status,
and high status means being able
to categorize people and things
so you can place them
below you.
- Oh.
- Okay?
- I think I get it now.
- Now, which one is bougie,
which one is basic,
and which one is boss?
- The vanilla scented candle
is basic.
Tulum, Mexico
bougie?
And eyelash extensions
are boss.
- [scoffs]
Yes.
Yeah, I mean, you got 'em
all right.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Yes, yes, yes!
- I can't believe it.
I did it, I did it, I did it!
- You did! [laughs]
[upbeat music]
- I don't want to say it ♪
But I'm gonna say it anyway ♪
- Um, we should
totally take a break.
- How 'bout I shows you
a bit of my world,
seeing as that you've already
shown me so much of yours?
- Okay.
- I know we've been doing things
pretty unconventionally so far,
and I've totally
learned a lot.
Trust me, when it comes
to the style category,
I am the master.
Do you love it
or do you love it?
[electronic music]
♪
- [grunting]
♪
You're still not getting it!
Now, who the hell are you gonna
intimidate dressed like
some micro-dick from Princeton?
Now we need something that says,
"I killed three people today
and it meant nothing to me."
Now, that's what
I call style.
- [screaming]
[grunting]
Stop!
[hip-hop music]
♪
- This is amazing.
It's like we're in a gang.
- Oh, you are,
and the only way out is death.
- Wow.
- Tight.
- Now, rock it
Now chilling with my top ♪
Now ridin' dirty
super low ♪
Never gon' get life ♪
- I've heard my au pair talk
about the supermarket before,
but I never imagined
I'd actually go to one.
- Not too bad, right?
Sometimes it's nice getting
outside of your comfort zone.
- Yeah.
I mean, I really like
checking out your eyes.
[folk music]
- I mean, I really like
the checkout line.
I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- And tuck you in at night ♪
To see you standing ♪
- What are we doing?
- What are we doing?
- We shouldn't be
doing this.
- It's okay.
- Years from now
that's when I'll say ♪
- What if someone sees us?
We could be disqualified
from the contest.
- We're safe here.
Rich folk don't buy
their own groceries.
- You're right about that.
[hip-hop music]
But our poor here
was just teaching us
about five finger discounts.
- Oh.
Hey, Meegan.
We were just rehearsing
for the school play.
- Yeah.
- Stop.
Don't embarrass yourself.
Here's how it's gonna go.
If you don't want us
to tell anyone
about your little boy toy here,
he's gonna drop out
of the contest,
and you'll never
get in my way again.
- Now you watch
your tongue with her, hoss.
We have just as much right
to compete as anyone else.
- Okay.
You're right, that's reasonable.
Isn't it, Chaad?
- Yup.
Too bad we ain't
reasonable.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
- Take that!
[blows landing]
- I meet so many guys,
I might be Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift.
Do you see it?
- Okay, I got this.
I know her stuff inside and out.
I know when to laugh,
I know when to scream,
I know what to say,
"Yassss!"
It's like having all the answers
before taking the test.
- What you doing, Braff?
- Oh, hey, man,
I'm just--
I'm chilling.
[chuckles]
Hanging out.
- It looks to me like you are
watching videos of Vicki Katz.
Now, why would you need
to do that?
It's almost as if
you're not really gay.
[electronic music]
♪
- Come on, man,
I'm just watching
some of my favorite
Katz bits.
- Okay.
Just checking.
- We got this thing
in the bag!
- [grunts]
So hard.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You look so good.
- Afternoon,
Mr. Hemming.
- Damn it, Raoul, I told you,
wait around the corner!
- Yo, what the hell's
going on, man?
- Are you not an ex-con?
- I'm an actor.
This is all just about research
for my next part.
Technically, I'm also an ex-con.
I did an overnight for a DUI.
- You made us get face tattoos?
- You're not poor at all!
- You willingly got that tattoo,
and they look great.
It's not my fault
that you didn't get
a temporary henna one
like I did.
I'm due back on set.
Good luck tomorrow.
- Oh, hell no.
[dramatic music]
- [echoing] I'm an actor.
- Hell no.
- Dressed like
some micro-dick from Princeton.
- Hell no!
- Rosé, dumbass.
Dumbass.
- [yelling in slow-mo] Hell no!
Ha!
Damn it!
Boomerang proof!
- How are we supposed to win
if we don't have a poor?
- [sighs]
[dramatic music]
[dub step music]
♪
[applause]
- I know what you guys
are wondering.
Yeah,
I totally waxed for this.
[laughter]
It was not easy.
It was like "The Hunger Games"
down there.
- [laughs]
- Miss Katz,
will you do the banana bit?
- [gasps] How do I say no
to a face like that?
[laughter]
Like this--no.
- Ooh!
[laughter]
- You know, here we are
in such an intimate setting,
and I know you want to hear
the classics,
but I just want to try out
some new stuff.
Can we do that?
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
- Come on!
- I think you'll like it.
Here we go.
I was at a roof party
at the Mercer
the other night
all: Ooh!
- And someone asked me
if I had a cigarette.
- [laughs]
- And I was like, "Honey"
- [coughs and clears throat]
- "I've had cigarettes
since before your mother
even knew about birth control,
okay?"
[laughter]
Ugh!
- What's the matter, Braff?
It seems like you're not really
getting her new material.
- [scoffs]
I get it.
Don't smoke
when you're pregnant.
[dramatic music]
- Uh-oh.
I think someone
doesn't belong here.
[crowd murmuring]
You're not like
the other men here.
♪
You're even more gorgeous.
[cheers and applause]
I didn't think it was possible
to look as great as--
I mean, come on,
look at those cheekbones!
I think I just found
my new flower boy.
Eat it, Jack.
It goes like this.
Oh, doesn't that feel good?
Doesn't it?
Okay, now me.
Now do it for me.
Now do it for me.
Oh, you do that
really well.
[dub step music]
♪
- Competition starts
in a few hours,
and we still don't
have a new poor.
We're gupped.
- Ideclare war on you!
There will be no mercy!
Only condemnation
and the flood of tears!
- Maybe not.
- God's gonna
strike you down!
- Chaad, no.
- Why? All the other poors
in town are taken.
- He's not gonna know
how to do anything.
- He doesn't need to.
Wayland was a fraud,
but he taught us to do
whatever it takes.
- And the fire!
- You and I,
we got this.
- I am the angel of the Lord
and the pillar of fire!
Do you have any change?
[groans]
[coins jingling]
- Looks like we
got ourselves a poor.
[triumphant music]
- Welcome to
the "Running of the Poors."
[applause]
Let me introduce
our mistress of ceremonies,
Vicki Katz.
[cheers and applause]
- Hey, hey.
So glad I made it.
- She loves Braff.
- I came
right from my friend's house,
and I think you know
I'm talking about Madonna.
[laughter and applause]
You may wonder
how I got here.
- Nick,
you have to compete.
- I can't, Bea, all right,
they messed up my leg real good.
- That is basic thinking,
when I know that deep down,
you're a boss.
- Yeah.
- If we beat Meegan and Chaad,
then I can return to power
and you can be filthy rich,
and we can spend
the rest of our lives together.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, are you gonna act
like a rich person?
- Yes.
Yes, I am.
- Good.
Now go get
that fresh, waxy face out there
and win it, for us.
[upbeat pop music]
- Heart ♪
- Is this church?
- Just do what we say.
- Best of luck to everyone,
especially the boys.
And go!
[air horn blows]
- Are--are we supposed to run
to the first task, or--
what's going on?
- [laughs]
Round one, sushi eating.
Let's see how
these blue collar hunks
handle their fish.
- Ah!
- Looks like Darcy's poor
is in trouble.
Too much wasabi?
No, he's dead.
But that manly man Nick
looks like a seasoned pro.
Round two:
wine tasting.
And the hobo's done first.
What's that?
A man has appeared.
Come on, people,
we've all been there.
No? Only me?
Okay, I guess so.
- [gags]
- More of a beer man?
I've always been
a martini lady myself.
[thud and glass breaking]
And we're down
to the final two.
Congratulations, poors,
on making it
to the final
and most important challenge.
Your reputation
among the elite depends
on how you carry yourself
in this situation.
Nick, you're up first.
- Hi, what can I get
for you?
- One sec,
I'm on the phone.
- Ooh, nice move.
- I told you to handle that
and get back to me.
I'd like a venti skinny
almond milk chai latte, please.
- Sure.
- Hold the whip.
- Complicated order.
- Yup.
- Oh, weird. It looks like
we're out of almond milk.
- Tough break.
- Five finger discount.
- Slide it.
- This is a major setback.
- Can I use
something else for you?
- Then I'll have a--
- He'll have to pull off
something huge
to come back from this.
- [mouthing words]
- Listen here, in my pocket
I have $1,000 cash.
You can find me almond milk
in the next five minutes,
that money is yours,
but if you cannot,
you're just another
minimum wage failure,
and you will always be a loser.
Choice is yours,
and the clock startsnow.
- Right.
- Tick tock.
- I won't let you down, sir.
- Amazing, he did it.
[cheers and applause]
What a sense of entitlement.
That's gonna be
hard to top.
Let's see how the hobo
handles the pressure.
- Hi,
what can I get for you?
- Is this steam?
- [groans]
[steam hissing]
- [screams]
- Apparently, this counts
as making your own drink.
That's a disqualification.
♪
Your winner is
Nick the farmer.
Nick, you have just won
$12 million!
[cheers and applause]
You are no longer poor!
- We did it!
Oh.
Beatrix, this has been
so amazing.
You have changed my life
forever,
and I want to spend
the rest of it with you.
- Oh, my God.
Yes. Yes!
[laughs]
- Beatrix?
- Mom?
What's going on?
- The case against your father
by the farmer's union, they won.
The real estate,
the golf course,
the glam room,
everything.
We're poor, baby.
- No.
You're poor, Mom,
because I'm starting
a new life with Nick.
If I just correctly read
between the lines
of what he was just saying,
we're affianced.
[both chuckle]
- About that, Beatrix,
I think in light
of your new circumstances,
it's best if I stay
within my own class, you know.
I mean, you're poor,
I'm rich.
We just wouldn't have
anything in common.
- Congratulations.
I like your work.
- I liked your monologue.
I mean, I didn't get any of it,
but it sounded nice.
- [laughs]
Honey,
if you got my jokes,
I wouldn't be interested.
[laughs]
- Would you like to go
for some Omakase sometime?
- Great pronunciation,
so yes.
[folk music]
I did okay ♪
- Baby?
Honey?
[both screaming]
[both wincing]
- Head mistress Tarcher
did this to us.
She set us up.
[both groan]
- Stop!
Just stop!
It's already November.
There's no way
we're gonna get
our popularity back
by the end of the year.
- [winces]
- Okay, give me your hand.
Go.
[both groan]
- We have been
dicking around
with all these petty
popularity contests, Chaad.
We need real power,
and starting now--
[winces]
We won't stop until we get it.
- [winces]
[both groaning]
- That's what I need.
[both groaning]
[dub step music]
- Nice campaign poster.
- Thanks.
- You better pick up the pace,
Meegs.
You're trailing me by 38 points.
- You're running?
- My dad says if I want to get
into my first choice school,
I can't just coast
on "being a lawyer."
- Go out there and get
some dirt on those candidates.
- No, for too long have you
pushed me around
just so you can be queen.
From now on,
Meegan and Chaad are donezo!
- Let me be
your right-hand man.
- What do you get
out of this?
- Let's just say I'm looking
to diversify my portfolio.
- What, like,
more Asian guys?
- What are you doing in here?
This is a crime scene.
- Trying to get laid.
[quirky funk music]
♪
- [growls]
[rhythmic clapping]