Five Bedrooms (2019) s02e02 Episode Script

When I was 18, you were
- How old were you?
- No, what I'm saying is
Jesus! You were three, Ben.
You were three years old.
HARRY: I don't know if I'm built
for sudden sexual adventure.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I think my soul is already
a timid, slightly
terrified late-50s man.
- Stuart.
- (BABY FUSSES)
HARRY: That's Liz's ex-husband.
There is still something
between us, Liz.
And there probably
always will be.
But we missed our time.
BEN: Polished floorboards.
Skylight. Ains, you look
like you're stressing out.
And I know there's a
ton of work to be done.
No. Is it possible that I could
feel the baby move this early?
AINSLEY: As soon as we
moved into the new house,
my baby planning
went into overdrive.
I was certain I'd never
be one of those mothers
who obsessed over
every tiny detail.
But just one week in,
with half our moving
boxes still unpacked,
I found myself making a
short list of cornice options
for a nursery that was
still technically a garage.
I'm torn between
the embossed leaf
and the contemporary
Deco - what do you think?
I'm just focused on the
structural integrity
at this point, Ains.
But I was determined
by the time I got to meet you,
everything would be perfect.
- (HEARTBEAT)
- WOMAN: Hmm.
That's what we want to hear.
A good strong heartbeat.
- Oh, and a lovely big yawn.
- (LAUGHS)
Are we finding
out the sex today?
No, we're not, um, but
would you find out and
pop it in this envelope?
Of course.
We're having a
gender reveal party.
Oh, lovely.
Everybody's doing it.
Who's everybody?
It's not a big deal! Dad and
Cheryl are gonna be here anyway.
So it's just a bit of extra fun.
Is it, though?
Feels like overkill.
I'm not gonna go overboard
with balloons or confetti.
It's just a simple cake, it's
good, clean fun, and I'm doing it.
Copy that.
I can't believe we're
as big as an avocado.
- How cute was the yawn?
- Oh, my God! How cute was that?
Oh, what a genius.
Already bored.
Do you think I'm a wanker if I post
this as my pregnancy announcement?
Ains, you know
I'm gonna say yes,
but this is your
moment with your baby.
You can share it
however you like.
MANJU: Is it so inconceivable
that I might actually
know what I'm doing, huh?
I think you know exactly
what you're doing,
and that's actually what
I find most terrifying.
It's Martin's nephew,
he is a homosexual,
and he has a lovely
speaking voice.
I'm sorry, Mum, it's just
it it's not enough notice.
Ainsley's dad and his wife are
staying with us this weekend, right?
- Yes.
- So we've promised to be on hand.
- Hello, Manju!
- Hello, hello, hello!
- So, how was it?
- So wonderful!
- Aww!
- (LAUGHS)
The child has your
nose. Thank goodness.
Is it a boy or a girl?
We're actually saving that for
the gender reveal on Sunday,
which you're more than
welcome to come to, Manju.
Is that like a baby shower?
HARRY: Oh, it's, like,
not quite the same, but
Thank you! Harry's heard of it.
- HARRY: Everyone's doing them.
- Who's everybody?
HARRY: Oh, like, three friends
from uni in the past six months.
I've heard of them. I
don't understand them.
There's not really
that much to it.
Just, isn't the whole notion
of gender stereotypes a bit
out of step, you know, a
bit antiquated or reductive?
I think the truth of whether
one is a boy or a girl
emerges only over time.
When Harpreet was born,
it seemed so simple
a son who will bear many,
many grandchildren. (SIGHS)
But the truth over time
is much more complicated.
OK, Mum, there's actually
no gender confusion here.
I'm just a boy who likes boys.
Then perhaps I'm the one who
has the gender confusion.
AINSLEY: Yeah, it really wasn't
supposed to generate this much debate.
- (GASPS)
- It's just a cha What?
Is Lachlan's wife
on social media?
Why?
Uh"Who's the baby daddy?
"Oh, that's right -
my fucking husband,"
"whose child I am
rightfully carrying!"
Exclamation mark,
exclamation mark.
"Shame, shame, shame on you,
you home-wrecking whore."
Full stop.
Oh, and then it
gets really nasty.
They weren't together. I
mean, not once when Lach
Ains, you don't have
to justify yourself.
Just erase that shit. Block her.
Don't read it again!
Just delete it.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- (GROANS)
Who is it?
Cheryl! Hello. How are you?
CHERYL: Hello, darling.
I'm a little confused.
I've just seen some
very disturbing comments
on your social media.
I see.
Who on earth is HotYoga84 and
why is she calling you a whore?
Uh (LAUGHS)
Oh, no, that that was
just a little friendly prod.
It's nothing to worry about.
I've already forgotten it.
I took screenshots,
if that's helpful.
I don't think it is.
Obviously, I've said
nothing to your father, but
I need to know.
Is HotYoga84 married to Lachlan?
Yes, she is.
And is she also pregnant?
She is.
Uh, I would like to stress
that they were
very much separated
when Lachlan and I got together,
so there are no victims here.
- Is that Ains?
- Yes, it is.
And you'll be late.
- Give her my love.
- Dad sends his love.
Oh, please send it back.
He's gone.
Look, Cheryl there's
there's really no need
for Dad to know
about any of this,
and and there's absolutely
no need for concern.
In any case, please call me
if something else comes up.
I'd prefer not to learn about
these things on social media.
- Have you seen my referral?
- Darling, Dad needs help.
Oh, go, go. Yep. We'll
see you tomorrow.
(CHERYL HANGS UP)
I'm gonna reach out to Melanie.
- Why?
- I don't know.
But I just feel an overwhelming
urge to heal things.
You can't heal Melanie. She's too
far gone. And she's not your problem.
Well I don't happen to agree.
Get Dipshit to sort it out!
- LIZ: We good?
- Mmm.
Wow, Lizzie, that
shirt is giving me
laid-back, sexy sophistication.
- Oh. Thank you.
- What am I giving you?
Uh, mate, I'm getting first
class international flight vibe.
(SCOFFS) I don't
even want to go.
- Do not start.
- I'm not starting.
There's no out clause. We made
a commitment to each other.
- Two candidates each every week.
- Who's on the menu tonight?
Roger, 33. Extensive traveller.
His body is a temple. Acrobat.
And he loves Indian food.
- Interesting.
- Sounds promising. Lizzie? Who you got?
Uh, 41-year-old Marcus. Never
been married. No children.
Loves exercise, fine wine
and long conversations.
Oh, that could be
a surprise package.
Yeah. Could we just go
through one more time?
I'll emergency-backdoor-call
you at the 45-minute mark
And I'll return serve
15 minutes later.
I I don't want to
be the one to say this.
Well, then don't say it.
Are are you two really
giving this your best shot?
Yeah, clearly. I mean, I can
barely walk in these shoes.
Yeah, but if you've already
sussed out your escape route.
I mean, you're not
gonna learn to swim
while you're hanging on
to the lifeboat, are you?
- Thanks for that.
- Who's the lifeboat?
So, anyway I'm sorry, Ben.
I mean, you literally
walked out of your bedroom
and into a relationship,
or an alleged relationship.
What do you mean, 'alleged'?
Well, I'm I'm yet to
see any romantic displays
between the two of you.
I'm more affectionate
with you than Heather.
What are you talking
about? We share a bedroom!
When it comes to romance,
I know what's best for me.
- What about Hazza?
- I know what's best for him too.
- Come on. Chop chop.
- (SIGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
Oh. Hey. Is everything OK?
- We're fine.
- (SIGHS)
I thought I could pick
up your dad and Cheryl
if that might be helpful.
- They're driving the car.
- Oh, of course.
- It's why they love the ferry.
- The ferry.
What team does he
barrack for, again?
St Kilda. But don't
mention the footy.
I thought that footy
was a safe zone, Ains.
- Oh! And don't mention climate change.
- OK.
Or council rates or the
International Olympic Committee.
Are you across this?
When did that
It's been happening all
day. Several comments.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry, Ains.
Uh she's been having
a rough trot of late.
- She doesn't mean most of it.
- Oh.
Lovely. Yep. Here's another
one. In all caps, of course.
"Wish I could have posted
an ultrasound shot."
"Couldn't. I was sick with
the poison of betrayal."
And my stepmother called
to let me know she'd
seen the comments.
- No!
- Yes. Very much so.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes. She hasn't told Dad.
He still doesn't know
about Mel or her pregnancy.
But I need this
harassment to stop.
Yeah. Of course. Uh,
let me talk to her.
AINSLEY: No. Give me her
number. I'll do it myself.
Ains, for your own safety,
let me sort this out.
I promise you, I'll
make it disappear.
Melanie is gonna be the
mother of my child's sibling.
And even if you could,
I wouldn't want you to.
That is beautiful,
but I just worry
you might struggle to
hang on to that feeling
if you actually talk to Mel.
- Are you gonna give me her number or not?
- No.
AINSLEY: I didn't grow up
with brothers or sisters.
Your grandma really wanted more
kids, but she got too sick,
and then your grandpa
wasn't really coping.
So it was a pretty
quiet childhood,
in a pretty empty house.
But I was determined
you were gonna grow up
surrounded by family.
Official family,
unofficial family.
Friends, friends of friends.
And you were going to have
your brother or sister.
(HEATHER SIGHS)
- Everyone's gone.
- Yep.
Can I just bring
something up real quick?
Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.
I thought the whole point
of us going official
was so that we
would be free to do
more of this stuff
whenever we like,
but we're we're still
hiding away from the others.
We're not hiding. I'm just not big
on public displays of affection.
Yeah, yeah, I'm getting a bit of
a 'don't touch me' vibe from ya,
in public, and in the house, and
everywhere except in here.
I am no way sending you
a 'don't touch me' vibe.
I'm pretty keen for
you to touch me.
Hang on, hang on, so,
what, you're saying
that if I put my arm round you,
plant a kiss on you in company,
you're all good with it?
Go for it. See what happens.
(HEATHER LAUGHS)
So, you've just come
out of a relationship?
Oh, um
it was it was a while ago.
I don't know if it even really
qualifies as a relationship.
(CHUCKLES) We went
on a few dates.
Vihaan and I were together
for nearly three years.
I still miss him.
Aw.
You could be below 15% body fat.
I-I don't know what that means.
It's good. Well, it's
better than good.
Anywhere between 21% and
35% is healthy. So
Thank you.
Full disclosure - I had a bit
of a health scare a while back.
- Oh.
- It's mostly cleared up now.
Bowel-related. (CLEARS THROAT)
But I did, in 2015, get to 10%.
Wow.
Have you ever thought about
documenting your physique?
It started in 2001
when I saw, uh.
Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham
with Shah Rukh Khan.
Have you seen it?
I just fell instantly in love.
And not just with Shah Rukh.
It was the the saris,
you know, the the colour
and and the music.
It all just felt
like coming home.
Mmm.
You know, it goes off
on the gram. Check it.
Oh, wow. Oh,
that's that's you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- That's Oh, thank you.
No, that's fine. I mean, I won't
get down to that weight again.
I'm over 40 now and
down to one bowel
movement a day.
Still, the one thing I
regret from that time
I never got professional
shots taken.
Are they not professional shots?
Thank you. (LAUGHS) No.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh. I'm I'm I'm so sorry.
Oh, I I do have to take this.
Uh, Dr Sethi.
LIZ: Sorry to bother
you, Dr Sethi,
but we've had someone come in
with extensive cranial trauma.
Uh, what sort of cranial
trauma are we talking about?
Uh, his head's detached. It's
completely detached from his body.
- Uh, is he still lucid?
- Yes, very much so.
And, frankly, quite upbeat. He's not
yet, um, deduced his lack of body.
But we think it would be
good if you were here,
um, when he comes
to that realisation.
- Of course. I'm on my way.
- OK.
For the love of God, please
get me out of here in five.
I've seen 47 pictures
of this man's lats.
- I don't even know what a lat is.
- Got it.
Roger, I'm s
I'm so, so sorry.
Don't don't even think
about apologising. It's fine.
You go. Just go. Seriously.
I'll take care of this.
Uh, maybe you can
get it next time.
Oh, that is so lovely.
But I just I couldn't
possibly. I'm so sorry.
HARRY: I didn't even know
fitness photography was a thing.
LIZ: It's not a thing.
At least, not one that should
be brought up on a first date.
- Nothing you should show.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
HARRY: To be fair, you'd actually
look really good in those clothes.
- BEN: Wow. Early night.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
Very early. Eh? Both
of you. Couple of duds?
- Oh, my God. Profoundly so.
- Yes!
Yeah. But were they really duds?
Or just duds compared to a
cosy night in with your BFF,
pack of Tim Tams?
I see where you're going
with this, but you're wrong.
They were both respectively
and empirically terrible
in their own right.
If you can't nod convincingly,
don't nod at all.
HARRY: Oh, look at that one.
We have to re-create that.
AINSLEY: Do you have a minute?
What the fuck are
you doing here?
I just want to talk to you.
- This is my place of business.
- I know. I'm sorry.
But Lachlan wouldn't
give me your number.
I can make an appointment
if that helps.
- We're fully booked.
- WOMAN: No, we're not.
There's nothing
to see here, Gail.
This very confused woman was
just asking me for directions,
and now I've given her directions
and she's gonna take them.
Melanie, I understand that
y-you're angry with me,
and I don't even blame you,
but the fact is, our children
are gonna be siblings.
We have to find a way of
being in each other's lives.
- What did she just say?
- Shut up, Mum.
- I will not shut up!
- Are you happy now?!
- Who the hell are you?
- Shut up, Mum! She's nobody!
GAIL: Don't you dare
go out that door!
You posted it all
over social media.
I assumed your mum would know.
As if she'd be on socials!
She still faxes shit!
- Melanie
- (DOOR OPENS)
Melanie, I am so sorry. I
didn't come here to upset you.
Then stop trying to
rub my face in it!
What?!
You won! OK? He chose you!
I haven't won anything!
I'm not with Lachlan
and I don't want to be.
You're fucking glowing!
I'm bloated, I'm
hungry, I'm nauseous.
It feels like I've sucked a big
bag of metal dicks all day long!
All I eat is fucking
shit, I'm pissing myself,
(SOBS) and I can't sleep!
Well, if it's any consolation,
I think I'm sleeping too much.
Go fuck yourself.
(STARTS CAR)
Oh, my God.
Melanie, are you OK?
(GASPS) Look what you've done!
- Are you in any pain at all?
- Yes!
Specifically from the
car just now or
OK, let's just get
you to the hospital.
I'm fine.
(GAGS)
Oh, OK. We really should get you
seen by a medical professional.
I'm not going to the hospital.
But do you have any food?
At least come back
to the house with me
and let Harry or
Heather check you out.
Jesus Christ!
I just replaced
that bloody bumper
when you drove into the
hard rubbish collection!
Oh, no, I'm fine, Mum!
Thanks for asking!
Where's your car?
MELANIE: Ow! You're
hurting my underarms.
AINSLEY: I'm not touching your
underarms. It's referred pain.
Here we go. Watch your head.
Ow.
What's going on here?
Uh, Melanie had a
little car accident.
- What? When?
- About half an hour ago.
Sorry OK
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Sorry. OK. Sorry. Sorry.
You should have gone to
a hospital straightaway.
I don't do hospitals.
You're not feeling
any light-headedness?
No more than usual.
You usually feel light-headed?
- For the past five months, yes.
- OK. Anything else?
A lot of bloating, farting,
constipation, rhoids.
- What are 'rhoids'?
- Haemorrhoids.
- Piles. Nasal congestion.
- OK.
Leg cramps, gastric reflux,
snoring, nosebleeds,
vomiting and constant
generalised pain.
- Did I say vomiting?
- Yep.
I think it's the same morning
sickness thing Kate Middleton had.
Please tell me you
have an obstetrician.
Yeah. I'm in there every
second day. He's useless.
Yeah, but he's across all this?
(PHONE RINGS)
- You want to get that?
- It's just Gail.
My mum.
She's stalking me 'cause
I stacked her car.
She's probably just calling
to see if you're OK.
GAIL: There is a $2,000
excess on the insurance!
Where the hell am
I gonna find that?!
What the fuck is
wrong with you?!
Oh, uh, Gail, is it?
Hi. I'm, uh, Heather.
As much as I can empathise with
you re the insurance excess,
I'm afraid the bigger
picture here might be
that your daughter
is in worlds of pain.
Saying this as a
nurse and a mother.
I've seen a lot of
pregnancies in my time.
- And she's copped a partic
- (HICCUPS)
Ularly nasty one.
Well, my pregnancies were fine,
so I'm sure hers will be too.
HEATHER: Yeah, it doesn't
really work like that.
I know how it works,
thank you very much!
When I went into labour
OK, Ma. Gotta go.
Gonna vom. (HANGS UP)
She seems nice.
I actually am gonna vom.
- OK. Can you get
- (VOMITS)
Oh!
She's dehydrated to the
point of being disoriented.
She needs a shot of B6, lots of
rest and a shit-ton of fluids.
What kind of fluids?
If this is some kind of plan of
yours to smoke the peace pipe
I just want to know
Your old man and Fishlips are
gonna be here in four hours,
staying in that room
- you do realise that?
Yeah, I know that.
What kind of fluids?
Ginger ale might
help with the nausea.
Thank you! Now, please,
keep an eye on her for me.
Hang on! Ains!
And he claims to be an art collector,
a chef and a philanthropist.
Sounds classy.
Yeah, but is it class if
he's promoting the fact?
At least your date wasn't
engineered by your mother.
Oh, God. Is this a new
rock bottom for me?
No different to being
matched by an algorithm.
An algorithm won't give
you follow-up calls
every half-hour for a month.
Why don't you two just curl
up on the couch right now
and call it a night?
- There's no shame in that.
- Zzt!
- How's Melanie?
- What happened to Melanie?
Uh, she had a light car
accident, so I brought her home.
- She's here now?
- Yeah, she's asleep in my room.
You know we have to wake her up?
She hasn't slept through the
night 82 nights in a row.
Waking her would be inhumane.
We need her out of the house.
Your father is about to land.
What if I found an Airbnb
for Dad and Cheryl?
- Just for the night.
- You're not serious?
Maybe all Melanie needs is
to feel at home for a bit.
She's not getting any
support from anyone.
Does Colin have anyone in
the granny flat right now?
Can we just break down
what's really happening here?
Melanie has terrorised
you, she's trolled you,
she's publicly eviscerated you,
and not only are you
sacrificing your own bed,
you are now proposing
to make your father endure
Colin's granny flat.
I think your instincts
are so lovely, Ainsley.
Just life isn't
a Disney movie.
AINSLEY: That's exactly
what Lachlan said. OK.
Here it is. It's available. And
it's listed for $150 a night.
Do not pay $150!
That's ridiculous.
Look, if if you
insist on doing this,
go to Colin's,
look him in the eye
and knock him down to
$70 at the absolute most.
Thank you, Heather.
Don't thank me. I
didn't do anything.
Yeah, you did.
LIZ: Um, we should
we should get going.
Don't want to
be running late.
Are you gonna get an Uber or?
HARRY: I might drive.
AINSLEY: More than happy
to give anybody a lift.
(DOOR CLOSES)
And there we have it.
- Harpreet! Oh!
- Hi, Mum.
As per your wishes, we'll
pretend this is just a drop-in.
Those were not my wishes. My wishes
were to not be set up at all.
And I was very clear about that.
Come, come. You
look so handsome.
Look who's just dropped in.
- Oh! What a surprise!
- Hi, Marty, Marty.
Xavier, this is
my son, Harpreet.
- Harry, please. Call me Harry.
- Harry.
Xavier's my nephew.
Your mother was just giving me a
photographic tour of your childhood.
And look. Here you are. Wow.
- What are the odds, eh?
- (MARTY AND MANJU LAUGH)
- Terrific stuff.
- MANJU: Absolute magic.
And, Harpreet, you must
stay for dinner, huh?
I yeah. Yeah, sure.
Can I tempt you to a glass
of this extraordinary
red brought by Xavier?
He's such a connoisseur!
Oh, I really just
liked the label.
(MARTY AND MANJU LAUGH)
So modest, huh?
Erm Martin, can I trouble
you to help me in the kitchen?
Absolutely.
Hi. And sorry about
- No. No.
- ..all that.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Are we being set up?
Were you not pre-briefed at all?
No, I I just thought
I was having dinner
with Marty's new flame.
- Were you?
- Yes.
I've been hearing about you
most days for the past month.
Oh.
Well, now that you mention
it, there were a few signs.
Uh, we did seem to linger in
your bedroom on the house tour,
where I got a very
detailed description
of your high school
lacrosse career.
(SIGHS) Oh, my
God. I'm so sorry.
No, no, don't
apologise, honestly.
I was already a bit
obsessed with your mother.
But this is I mean,
this is next-level.
If you want to bail at any
time, it's fine. Fully.
Absolutely not. I'm up for it.
I mean, if you are as well.
I, uh yeah. I I am, yeah.
Great.
LIZ: (LAUGHS) No.
I I have been to
Italy, but just only the
the touristy places, you know.
- I've never been to Bologna.
- (LAUGHS)
Well, Bologna is known as la
dotta, la rossa e la grassa.
I I heard a 'red' in there.
La dottameans 'the educated'.
- Because of the university.
- Oh.
- La rossameans
- 'The red'.
'The red', yes, because of
the terracotta buildings.
Oh!
I've always fantasised about,
you know, throwing it all in
and just living in a vineyard
or a hill town and just
Well I think Bologna would
be a good match for you.
Oh! Sorry. That's my
Thought I turned this off.
- Sorry.
- Right.
Hey. (SPEAKS ITALIAN)
(CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(PHONE RINGS)
Liz, um
you're a smart
and charming woman
and you deserve the
courtesy of the truth.
I'm just not feeling
any chemistry.
I'm really sorry.
You're paying.
That's more than fair.
- Hello!
- (CHERYL LAUGHS)
- Oh!
- Hello. Welcome!
Look at you! (LAUGHS)
- Mwah! Mwah!
- (LAUGHS)
- How was the ferry?
- A bit choppy.
Bathroom was a bit
messy this time.
- Lucky Cheryl had the Wet Ones handy.
- I did.
Oh, Dad! Mwah! I'm
so happy you're here.
What happened to
seeing the new place?
Well, actually, you'll
you'll see it tomorrow.
We're just not quite
settled in yet.
And Ben's still
working on the nursery,
so I thought you might
like your own space.
Yeah! Come in!
COLIN: So, you'll find some, uh,
reasonably priced items in the mini fridge.
And I do offer a
turndown service.
Oh, we're fine.
Breakfast is available
from, uh, 7am.
Uh continental, of course,
but if you did want to upgrade
to the full à la carte,
then we can absolutely
facilitate you
for a small extra charge.
- Oh, thank you, Colin.
- All part of the service.
(AINSLEY CHUCKLES)
Ahh! Shall we have a cuppa?
Oh, yes.
So, uh, when do we
get to meet Lachlan?
Uh, he'll be there tomorrow. He's
dying to meet you. Both of you.
I've thought a lot about what
I want to say to Lachlan,
and I wouldn't mind saying
it without an audience.
Oh, Dad, there's really there's no
need for you to say anything to him.
It's just a chance for us
all to get to know each other
in a relaxed and enjoyable way.
Sorry, just re the
à la carte menu.
No pressure, but,
uh, I do have to ask
for seven to eight hours' notice
if you do require the
gluten-free option.
- Thanks, Col.
- Yeah.
You're more than welcome to
join us, of course, tomorrow.
Thanks, but I'd, uh, prefer not.
(SIGHS) My wife's still on
with Ainsley's housemate, so
- Heather?!
- Yeah.
Yeah, that was my
initial response too.
And, uh, I'm sure you
could understand, it's
it's left me feeling
a bit sticky.
Mmm. It happened
some time ago.
It's still very fresh for me.
But, truth be told,
you know, we've all
ventured down different romantic
paths, different journeys.
- Yeah.
- Different destinations.
I've hit a bit of a dead end.
You know, apparently,
Heather's flying free.
- (AINSLEY LAUGHS)
- But we're all grown-ups.
That's right.
But there's still
a bit of chafing.
Yeah.
Dad, I know that
this might all seem
like it's a bit of a tangle.
- And you know what? It is.
- It is.
But I'm in a
really good place
and I can't wait
for you to see it.
So shall we pop out
and get an early dinner?
We've been up since
5:30. (LAUGHS)
Oh, no, of course.
Yeah, no. Get some rest.
COLIN: Well, yeah, I'll
I'll let you get on with it.
See you tomorrow.
Now, are we officially
in the main course yet?
No, we're still very
much in finger food.
OK. I'm stopping.
I would probably, uh, still
feign consumption. Trust me.
(CHUCKLES) Right.
So, how did those two pitch me?
Uh, as a glamorous
nightclub owner.
Very stylish and
sophisticated, of course.
OK. Well, I do manage a
pretty poky little bar.
And this is my A-game in the
wardrobe department, so
They really oversold
me, didn't they?
No, no. In this case,
Mum seems to have been
unusually restrained.
Be careful with the
spice in this one.
Oh, my God!
- I think we've reached peak.
- Oh!
Your mother promised me
several costume changes,
and I think this
is my favourite.
We both get along so well
because both of us have
a great sense of style.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey.
(SIGHS)
Between you and me, we
we all thought Marty was a
bit boring, to be honest,
and, uh, possibly
low-key racist,
but Manju has
brought him to life.
Honestly, our family are
just obsessed with her.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh.
Oh, sorry, Xavier. I just
need, like, two minutes.
No. Go for it. I'm
not going anywhere.
Except to maybe eat. (CHUCKLES)
LIZ: Thanks for
the bailout call.
- Not.
- HARRY: Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it's fine, I didn't need
it. Because hebailed out on me.
How's yours going?
Oh, he might be the most
delightful person I've ever met.
- Oh, my God!
- I know. It's excruciating.
And I'll never admit it, but
I think Mum has delivered
me the perfect man.
And he could be alone with her
right now, so I'm hanging up.
Are you telling me you don't
need me to call you back?
(HARRY HANGS UP)
Harry?
That my judgement has
proven to be very superior.
- Mum! He's right there!
- Yeah.
He'll be emboldened knowing
that he has won my approval.
- OK. Goodnight, Mum.
- Here's food.
- Thank you, Manju.
- 'Night, Marty.
- Thank you for dinner.
- MARTY: See ya, Harry.
- Hey, did you drive?
- Nah. Uber.
Oh, I I could give
you a lift if you like.
Yeah, that'd be great.
She's gonna call you for a debrief,
isn't she? Like, very soon?
Oh, yeah. She'll, uh she'll
try and wait till the morning.
But she'll probably buckle
in about 10, 15 max.
Harry, um, I'll just be
completely honest with you.
As much as I love the
idea of being able to say
I was successfully matchmade by a
pair of 60-something-year-olds
Oh, it's it's cool. I get it.
No, I I think I'd be
interested regardless.
Me too.
Yeah? It's not just
the wine talking?
(PULLS DOORHANDLE)
- Car's locked. (LAUGHS)
- Oh! Oh, just
- Makes it quite hard to get in.
- Yeah. Wow.
(FLOOR CREAKS)
Are you alright?
(SIGHS)
Am I being held hostage?
What?
No.
You just fell asleep and
we didn't wake you up.
Why would you not wake me up?
'Cause you were tired.
Oh.
How do you feel?
Hungry.
(CHUCKLES) Gail's
losing her tiny mind.
She's called, like, 500 times.
I can drive you
home if you want.
Nah, she can wait.
- Mustard?
- Uh, yeah.
Suppose yourmum's a saint.
Wouldn't go that far.
She all over you about the baby?
She probably would be
if she wasn't dead.
Oh.
Shit.
I was 11, so it
happened a while ago.
I mean, obviously,
it's really hard
for me to feel sorry for
you, given everything.
MELANIE: Do you ever feel like
you've made a massive mistake?
AINSLEY: Oh, totally.
And not just about the baby.
Pretty much every
decision I've ever made.
Did you ever think
about getting rid of it?
I thought about it.
But I knew I wouldn't
go through with it.
I've wanted to be a mum
since primary school.
I never even thought
about kids, but
when I found out I was duffed,
all I could think about was.
Lachlan's face when
I told him. (SIGHS)
I'm terrified.
Me too.
- Sorry
- No, it's fine.
About all the shit I
said on your socials.
Especially the 'thunder thighs'
bit. That was below the belt.
I didn't see that one.
- Where's Melanie?
- Still in the bath.
You realise they'll
be here soon?
Yeah, I'm very
much aware of that.
But Mel and I really started
to connect last night, and
I don't know, I just didn't want
to go and drop a bomb on her.
- What bomb?
- Whoa! That was quick.
- What bomb?!
- No bomb.
Just, we're having a little
gathering/celebration today
for the baby.
Which baby?
My baby.
You're having a baby shower?
Uh, no, it's actually
a gender reveal party.
I was planning a
gender reveal party.
But then I found out
you were pregnant,
so I couldn't go
through with it.
I had no idea.
Wait, is
Lachlan coming?
Also, uh
my father and his
wife are coming,
and it's a little complicated,
because I haven't exactly told
them about you yet or your baby.
I mean, I'm going to, of course.
But he's he's very old-fashioned
and I'm just waiting for the right
So you want me to piss off?
Yeah, that'd be nice. Thank you.
OK. I'll go get dressed.
You can pretend
I was never here.
AINSLEY: You know what?
You don't have to.
I mean, they're gonna
find out eventually.
Might as well be now.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hello? Ooh-ooh!
- Am I late?
- You're early.
Oh, thank God!
I couldn't sleep.
I nearly texted you. I-I can't
remember who he barracks for.
- Just don't bring it up.
- You gotta give me something, Ains.
Any easy wins. I'm really
swinging in the dark here
I invited Melanie to join us.
- What about your dad?
- I'm just gonna tell him.
You can't just
Ains, this is a very
delicate introduction
to my child's grandfather.
It should be sacred.
I can't be the only one that's not
comfortable with this situation.
I'm comfortable.
- Me too.
- This fabric feels amazing.
This is festive.
Looks lovely. Hello!
- Oh! (LAUGHS)
- (DES LAUGHS)
Welcome. Hi, Dad.
- Mwah! Hi, Cheryl.
- Hello, sweetheart. Mwah!
- Hi.
- Mr Elling, sir.
So great to finally meet you.
Lachlan. Can I call you Des?
- Not yet.
- Terrific. I want to earn it.
- And you must be the lovely Cheryl.
- Oh, yes.
Ainsley tells me your scarf work is
second to none. And I can see why.
Alright. Well,
we'll head inside.
DES: (CLEARS THROAT) Lachlan.
Now, I know that you and
Ainsley aren't together
in a traditional sense,
but you're gonna be
around, in a way.
Ainsley tells me you're
not going anywhere,
which is more than some
blokes would do, so
- That was good.
- What beautiful words.
I can't tell you how
much they mean to me.
Welcome to the family.
Oh, let me take
that, Dad. Thank you.
(DES SIGHS)
- How was the flight?
- We caught the ferry.
- The ferry.
- Choppy.
- Mmm.
- Ooh.
CHERYL: It opens up, doesn't it?
- Yes.
- Oh, it's very bright.
- Lovely.
- Um
Of course, you
already know Heather.
- Oh, Heather! Hello!
- Hey, Cheryl. Hi.
- Nice to see you.
- You too.
- And this is Marty and Manju.
- Oh!
- Please, don't stand up.
- (LAUGHS)
Manju is is Harry's mother.
He's not here at the moment.
And this is Liz and Ben.
My dad, Des, and
his wife, Cheryl.
- DES: Ben.
- BEN: Good to meet you, Des.
CHERYL: Oh! (LAUGHS) Cheers.
Cheers.
Uh, and and you are?
Melanie.
- Ah.
- (GASPS)
How do you fit
into the equation?
Oh, just in so
many ways, really.
Melanie is actually
Lachlan's wife.
They're separated now.
But you may have noticed that
Melanie is also pregnant.
With Lachlan's child.
(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
- So sorry, everyone. I slept
- (MURMURING)
You're wearing the
same clothes again.
AINSLEY: Dad, this is Harry.
Ainsley, can we speak privately?
Just before you do,
if I could offer a little
bit of context or
Uh just a
So, uh, Cheryl, how
was the accommodation?
Uh oh! It it
was lovely, thank you.
Colin was the perfect host.
And will your gentleman
friend be joining us?
- He's right there.
- What? Huh?
- It's me.
- Oh!
AINSLEY: I'm sorry that I
didn't tell you earlier.
I just I wanted to wait until
I felt more secure in myself
and the whole situation.
And I do now.
How you ever gonna feel
secure with a man like that?
Well, he he's made a
lot of mistakes, but
How you even gonna begin
to explain it to the baby?
I don't know.
I'll figure it out.
It's only a big deal if
people make it a big deal.
And they will, Ains.
I know you always try and
find the silver lining, but
people can be nasty.
- Other kids at school. Other parents.
- I know that.
I just don't think your optimism's gonna
be enough to get you through this one.
(DES SIGHS)
Why don't we go
for a walk and
Can I just say, uh, I know
that this is a lot to process,
but there are some really beautiful
aspects to this arrangement.
What kind of a man?!
Did you know your wife was
pregnant when you and Ainsley
No! No, no, absolutely not.
I can assure you of that.
I'm sorry, Lachlan,
but the less my grandchild
knows about you, the better.
AINSLEY: Dad, that
is not You just
Ainsley is a beautiful,
trusting soul.
But she got those
qualities from her mother.
- Not from me.
- I know that.
- It's a quality I intend to bring into my fathering
- Do not push me!
Would you both stop talking
about me like I'm not here?!
OK? I can handle this.
I'm strong enough.
You made me strong enough.
There are no victims here.
Now, you are gonna be
an amazing grandfather.
You are gonna be a father.
And that starts right now.
So, put your party hats on,
because we are gonna
have a gender reveal, hm?
And you are both gonna smile,
because this baby is gonna
look back on these photos
and know that he or she
- Or they.
- Or they. Thank you, Manju.
Are loved.
Now, everyone, get outside!
- (DOOR CREAKS)
- CHERYL: Just keep breathing.
MANJU: Harpreet? I will
not ask any questions.
But I hope you understand
now that I do know about men.
I just Yes. Thank you, Mum.
One thing I know is,
a man will not buy the cow if
they can get the milk for free.
- Oh, my God.
- That is it.
- (GLASS RINGS)
- Hey, uh, everyone.
If I could just say
something quickly.
This is all a bit
of fun. (LAUGHS)
But, of course, gender means
absolutely nothing, and, uh,
this child will be the light
of our lives no matter what.
- That's it.
- MANJU: Aww!
HEATHER: OK. Alright,
let's let's cut the cake.
ALL: One, two, three
Here we go!
- Ah!
- It's a girl! It's a girl!
I'm having a girl too. So
- Aww!
- Oh, my
Two girls. It's almost
poetic how fucked you are.
OK, everybody, bunch
in. Family shot.
Des, come into the front.
Yep, everybody bunch
in, nice and close.
Lachlan, just throw your
arm around Des there.
Yep. Smi Lachlan, you're
not smiling properly.
Smile properly.
Better. OK, ready?
Yay!
Beautiful.
Yeah. It's lovely.
I actually can't
believe I'm saying this,
but Mum nailed it.
(HARRY CHUCKLES)
I've never felt more
comfortable with another person.
I mean on on a date.
He was just so
funny and
handsome and, uh, humble.
And he loved Mum. And have
I mentioned he was handsome?
Multiple times, yeah.
I just I didn't
want to leave.
Sorry. I know you probably
don't want to hear this.
Well, of course I
want to hear it.
Oh.
To not wanting to leave.
(GLASSES CLINK)
You're going to love him.
- The oldies gone?
- Yeah, they have.
- The wife's a pain in the arse.
- (CHUCKLES) Always has been.
What happened to her lips?
We don't talk about it.
It was pretty great seeing you
take on your dad like that.
Thanks, Mel.
Were you inspired
seeing me with Gail?
I think I really was. Yeah.
Just so you know, it's not like
I've forgiven you or anything.
Yeah, that's OK.
As long as our
girls can be close.
How close?
Sisters.
Having sleepovers. (SIGHS)
Trips to Luna Park.
Joint birthday parties.
I don't do joint
birthday parties.
- Split focus is very damaging.
- OK.
But I do quite
like Luna Park.
I had my 30th
birthday party there.
I was so hot back then. See?
- Oh. Wow.
- I know.
- Look at your legs.
- Thanks.
- Wow.
- I look good in green, don't I?
Yes. Yes. Yep.
Have you
have you always had those boobs?
Next time onFive Bedrooms
- Shit!
- Benny! Your shoulder?
Unfortunately, looks like you're
gonna have to have surgery.
Probably a full reconstruction.
- Do you have private medical insurance?
- Yep.
Could we just say it happened
on the Fordham Crescent job?
Ben, this is Sharon. She's
from the insurance people.
Mr Chigwell, your partner tells
me the accident occurred here?
LIZ: I've made
quite a few calls,
and, Ben, you have definitely
committed a criminal act.
- Worst-case scenario?
- Up to two years jail.
(GROANS)