Flatbush Misdemeanors (2021) s01e01 Episode Script


I'm not gonna say it again. Do not move.
Now, what are you doing here?
- He's just
- I'm not talking to you!
I'm making a delivery.
So why didn't you
come through the front?
I always go through the back.
[DAN] It's not Kev's fault.
I propped the back door open for him.
Marcus is peeing in the library.
Look, I got a 602 trespasser,
maybe weapons dealer, or
kidnaper, or a child predator.
Look I'm gonna need to search you.
- You too, Dan.
- I've been teaching here two years.
Yet you still managed to
put every kid in danger
by propping the door open.
Well, my bad there.
You really think I'd commit a
crime in a neon traffic vest?
I'm just doing my job.
[WHISPERED] I'm just doing my job.
Dude, that's my lunch.
Just last month, this
neighborhood had 28 burglaries,
15 robberies, and 22 assaults.
Yeah, I'm sorry, none of
that happened to my rice.
Can you not report this?
[MOCKING] I'm sorry.
Can you not report this?
Listen, I don't care.
Kev is not a threat, all right.
He's my best friend bringing me food.
He's new to Flatbush.
He's just an honest, struggling artist.
Don't say "struggling."
Just say "artist."
[DAN] I just meant that,
like, we're all struggling.
You know, like, life's
a struggle, you know.
Anyway, he's trying to save
money to move off my couch,
and he needs to get back to work.
Let him go. Please, let him go.
Hey, move out the way, fat ass.
[WOMAN] Get back here,
you disgusting boys!
Marcus, you cannot piss in the library!
Marcus! Stupid boys.
[MARCUS] Come on and catch me then!
- [WARREN] Marcus! Marcus!
- [MARCUS] Go, go!
You left these at the crib.
Oh, I don't I don't need it.
It looks like you do.
Yeah, I do. No, thank you.
I gotta make more deliveries.
I'll see you later.
Yeah, I should get back to class.
[STUDENT] Hey yo, Mr. Joseph!
Mr. Joseph sucks dick!
[MAN] You from Brooklyn?
Flatbush. [CHUCKLES]
Rap professor, acknowledge
the scholar shit
No scholar shit
[DREW] She works for Vice now.
She's doing an expose on how
many hoodies A Boogie own.
[BLUE] Bro, I'm trying
to get like that, bro.
Trying to level up.
Nigga, how?
All you do is play this game.
Bro, I'm 'bout to be a professional
untitled goose game player.
Son, nobody is paying money
to watch you play this shit.
Quit saying that.
Bro, you're being negative.
You know, this food should
be free, how late you was.
No, no, no, yo, son!
I'm taking it back down
- Yo, look what you did!
- I didn't do that.
Yo, Drew, you see this shit, nigga.
- Bro, I didn't do that.
- Yes, you did, nigga.
You was the only one standing there.
- I was already
- Yo, what the
Yo, nigga you spilled this, bro.
No, it was already like that.
[JON] No, it wasn't,
nigga. It was not like this.
Do you what you just did?
Nigga, you know how
hard that shit is to get.
I'm like one of the only niggas
on the block with that shit.
Yo, Blue, where is my rack?
[KEVIN] Yo, bro chill. It
don't need to be all that.
- I'm sorry. My bad
- [DREW] What the fuck is wrong with you?
What I'ma do with a sorry?
- Yo, Blue, where's my shit?
- [KEVIN] Yo, I'm sorry man.
- You don't need to do all that.
- Yo, Jon, get my shit.
I got you, nigga. Yo,
please, chill out, man.
- It don't really mean
- Chill out?
It don't need to be what, motherfucker?
You know how much that shit cost?
Fuck you, all this shit three racks.
You got three racks on
you? What you got on you?
Matter of fact, fuck is this?
- What?
- I need that.
Shut the fuck up.
- Where's my shit?
I get off work in 9:30, bro.
Please, I promise you, I
can pay you back, promise.
- Fucker.
- A'ight.
- I'll pay you back.
Promise you, as soon
as I get off work, man.
9:50, that's what you got,
till 9:50, get my shit.
Now get the fuck outta here.
- Fuck outta here, pussy.
- Oh, man.
Yo, you believe this shit?
No, nigga, I don't.
Shit is good though.
- Ahh!
- What's up?
No wonder, this nigga's a Virgo.
Stop playing, son. My
baby mama's a Virgo, dog.
Can't stand no fucking Virgos.
Lisa, come on, you play
don't walk away from the door, Lisa.
Now come back to the peephole, Lisa.
- [LISA] Go away!
- I heard you walk away.
I would never do this
to you and the kids.
- [LISA] Get away from my door!
- Lisa, come on baby.
Baby, open the door.
You know I won't be lying no more.
- Lisa, come on.
- [LISA] Do not be
[MAN] You got me out here in the hallway
looking crazy, baby.
So I'm sorry to knock again,
but job make us give these out.
We got corn soup specials
every Sunday from 12 to 12:15.
[JON] Yo, I found a gun.
- Georgia?
[SHERRI] Who the hell is
Georgia, and where are you?
I have plenty of customers
waiting on their food.
All right, yeah, I'm on my way.
Wait, Miss Sherri, you think I
can get paid earlier this week?
[SHERRI] No boy, I don't
ever pay people early.
- Yo, whoa, whoa.
- [WOMAN] Hey!
Fuck me. Oh, oh.
Oh, yo!
Goddamn it, bro!
What did I do to you?
- Yo, come on, Jas.
Chill, man. Grandma in there asleep.
What you want?
She be sleeping through Jouvert.
She'll be a'ight.
We still getting up this weekend?
If you put one of these on. Damn.
- Nigga, stop.
- The fuck, that was
You good? Your drier working?
No, you know shit in this
building don't fucking work.
Let me hold something.
Shit, I was about to
ask you for something.
Why you need my money?
Fuck is you talking about?
- Why you need my money?
- I asked you first.
A'ight, look,
I just came from doing
this delivery, right?
And it's like 12 niggas in there, right?
And soon as I walk in,
they immediately start
swinging on me, right?
But I'm eating their shit, ah, ah, ah.
Just dodging it.
And then this big dude
walk up to me like,
"Oh, this nigga too nice with it."
He hold a gun to my head.
"All right, man, if
you gon' shoot, shoot."
He shoot, no bullets, right?
But by then, they already
got me for my wallet,
my keys, everything like.
But I'm about to buy a
gun and get my shit back.
Kevin, that did not happen.
You're right. It didn't happen.
But I do owe niggas
money. Like, I'm for real.
- It's just
- You're dead-ass?
I wouldn't be asking you this
if I ain't need it, come on.
Whatever you got. I
can't I can't do that.
- That's a lot.
- Nigga, take less then.
- It's my shit anyway.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I can't take that
without paying you back.
Oh, yeah, you're
definitely paying me back.
- I'ma pay you back.
- With interest.
Okay, cool, tell your
grandma I said I love her.
I love you too.
Girl, don't play with me.
- Girl, what I got to lie for?
- But why would she do that?
'Cause that's who she is. Watch.
You'll see when she
show up. She prolly
You know he had a girl, right?
- Shut up!
- Zayna, whisper. Like, whisper shut up.
You can't leave your
kids alone in class, Dan.
I was just outside to help chase Marcus.
The kids were fine.
I didn't fill out the teacher's
surveys you made us do.
You know it doesn't really matter to me
which teachers the kids like,
but the principal likes to know.
Okay, can I be honest?
I think those evaluations are
popularity contest bullshit.
Your students rated you pretty high.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
It's good to know though. I
guess, it is good we do them.
I wouldn't rate well in popularity.
You're easy to like.
I just mean here's what
I meant with that sentence.
That you would rate higher than
the other two vice principals,
or, like, Principal Douglass.
You would rate way higher than him.
Why do you say that?
'Cause Douglass is such a
wait, what do you think of him?
Are you asking me what I think
because if I like him,
then you won't insult him?
Yeah, that's pretty standard.
Just being careful.
- [DAMI] What's up?
- What's up?
What's up? What the fuck?
[AMAYA] Those our tests from today?
- [DAN] Yeah.
- [AMAYA] How'd I do?
You didn't do great. Hey,
don't grab the papers.
Come on, don't grab the papers.
Zayna, come on, come
on, mind your business.
Stop, stop, stop, have
respect for my job.
Yo, that's some low scores.
Zayna's so bad, she didn't get a number.
Bro, I didn't even finish. I don't care.
[AMAYA] Mm-mm.
Okay, fine, since we're
doing this here, Zayna,
I don't know why you
half-ass all these tests.
Like, you're smarter than this.
Amaya got an F too.
Yeah, but that's the
best she's gonna do.
But you can do much better.
If you believed in yourself
Oh, my gosh shut up!
Zayna, why don't the two of you
go sit in the back with Dami.
- Man, fuck her.
[JESS] Zayna.
[ZAYNA] What? I was just playing, miss.
[JESS] So how is that
basketball thing going?
Oh, it's fun.
You should come hang at practice today.
I have to cover for the dance coach,
and I hate basketball.
Otherwise, I would.
Why do you volunteer
as equipment manager?
I don't know. I I
just like basketball.
Like, in teaching, I gotta, like,
stick to the textbooks, right,
and I keep having to fail them.
Wait, are a lot of
your students failing?
Oh, no, no very few. They're
Most of them are good.
- Hey, hey, hey, Zayna!
- Are you okay?
- She stole my belt!
- I don't wanna hear it!
- She stole my fucking belt!
- I don't wanna hear it!
- But, Miss, that's
I don't wanna hear it!
You need help? You need help, Jess?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, can you take this?
That's my fucking belt!
[JESS] We're gonna take
you to the E.R., okay?
Jess, what should I do with this?
- Just put that away, please.
- Okay.
[JESS] Zayna, you're in big trouble.
The belt's in the room,
okay? Anything else?
- You are in big trouble, okay?
- [DAN] I'm here to help.
Go home, go home, go home, go home.
Stop filming, go home. What can I do?
Yeah, just make sure they go home, okay?
[DAMI] She gave me a concussion.
Done. Anything else?
No, no, we're okay,
Dan. Just tie your shoes.
- [DAMI] Did you see her hit me?
- [JESS] I did. I did.
I did not take her belt. I
know I didn't take her belt.
It's all gonna be okay.
You have health insurance?
I got your messages.
You okay?
You wanna talk about it?
Bro, where the fuck is my bed?
Oh, Kareem took the
couch for a block party.
You just gave my bed away?
I didn't give it my mom made me.
I'll pick it up soon.
Yo, chill, chill stop.
Yo, can you just call the cops?
Stop drinking.
I'm not gon' call the cops, man.
I'm not a snitch.
You do it.
Do you want me to? I'll call them?
No don't.
No, they'll probably
come kill everybody.
How about your sister,
have you called her?
Yeah, Georgia's stupid
ass won't answer the phone
and she been tweetin' all day, like
It's whatever. I got 200 already,
and I got somebody coming over,
so I know I'm gonna be straight.
- There they go.
- Right on time.
- Who is that?
[KEVIN] What's up,
man? Roosevelt, right?
[ROOSEVELT] Yeah, I was headed
to Blick's to get a new set
- when I saw your post.
- [KEVIN] Word.
So look, I was thinking
of 200 for the new,
120 for the used.
What you think?
You selling your paint?
[DAN] Oh, shit.
Yeah, it's definitely Michael Harding.
Let's say 600 for the five, final offer.
- [DAN] Don't don't sell it.
- All right.
Is this painting for sale?
I'll give you $1,000 right now.
[ROOSEVELT] The colors, the depth,
This is a Betty Blayton, right?
No, actually, I made it.
That was it was my first
time painting on canvas.
Yeah, I'll just take the paint.
- You don't want the painting?
- No.
Good to meet you.
See, that's the thing
about this art shit,
it just don't never feel like
it's actually about the art,
and nobody care about you
until everybody else do,
and then don't nobody care
until you're either famous
or you're dead.
I don't wanna have to die to get on.
I feel like my shit is good now.
Yeah, it is.
You shouldn't have sold your paint.
Did you not just hear what I said?
This nigga's not fucking around.
I need money now. What else I'ma do?
I know I've said this,
but a therapist would help.
Therapist? I'm 'bout to die.
You telling me I need
to go see a therapist.
I'm not telling you to go right now.
- But you have depression.
- Now I'm depressed.
Why you think everybody depressed?
Just 'cause you depressed
don't the world depressed.
- It's just you.
- It's not just me.
There's other guys in waiting room.
Do you really think
you're not depressed?
Dude, you're drunk at three o'clock.
You eat once a day. You
play chess with yourself.
What's wrong with playing chess?
It's a two-person game.
I'm I'm just trying to help you, man.
Yeah, but every time you try to help,
- you too scared to help so
- What does that mean?
What does that mean I
get too scared to help?
[DAN] Is that them calling?
[KEVIN] Yeah, and they
won't leave me alone.
I don't know if New York is for me.
That's why I'm pushing therapy.
I mean, you can't just keep
moving away from your problems.
Polanski did.
Is this water?
Yeah, I wanted to be dramatic.
Maybe Kareem can help.
Can you just help us, Kareem, please.
Kareem? Why you keep calling me Kareem?
When you gonna start calling me daddy.
Call me daddy first?
I'm not calling you dad,
man. I'm not calling you dad.
How long I gotta be
married to your mother
before you respect our union?
I'm not calling you dad, man.
I'm your daddy, man.
Call me daddy, and I can find
it in my heart to help you.
Okay, can you please
help help us, Dad?
- Dad!
- Oh, oh!
All of a sudden you need my help.
I'm your daddy now. [CHUCKLES]
God damn millennials.
All right, I'ma help you.
Your daddy gonna help you.
Just don't call me big daddy,
'cause that's what your momma call me.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
This why I didn't want
to do the dad shit, Jesus.
Can you just help? Can you help?
Where you know this boy from?
I mean, I ain't seen him around.
Y'all, dating?
Who, Kev? No.
No, we were best
friends in middle school,
and then he moved.
He just moved back from New Orleans,
but no, we've just stayed close.
Can you help now?
All right, man, what's the man's name?
Drew. He stays around Dorchester.
Drew? Man, I know Drew.
That nigga from Park Slopes.
Yeah, you scared of a Park Slopes nigga?
He said he was gonna kill him.
That boy wouldn't kill time.
You know what?
I'm gonna take care of
this shit for you right now.
Hold this.
[DAN] Yo, Kev.
He knows Drew. He's calling him.
- It's okay.
- Thank God, man.
You got the coolest stepfather ever.
- Thank you, thank you.
- He's got it figured out.
- All right.
- It's all good.
- All right, cool.
- Yeah.
You good.
Thank you, Kareem.
Appreciate you, man. That's love.
- Really, thank you.
- [KAREEM] Come on, man.
I got you
an hour.
I got you an extra hour, until 10:50.
You are crazy, bro. Drew gon' kill me.
What the fuck I'ma do with an hour?
Why are you asking me for?
All I know is you're wasting time.
I don't know, take a
stroll on the beach.
I don't know, start a GoFundMe.
I don't know, start a
paper route for an hour.
I don't know, motherfuckin' join ISIS.
I don't know, dig your grave.
I don't know, pay a nigga back.
I don't what you gon'
do with your damn hour.
All I know is gon'
be dead. That's right.
Motherfucker, take your couch back.
You said you were gonna help, dude.
I am helping.
Matter of fact, you can help me.
Tell your mama I'll be home at 11.
You understand? Same time he'll be dead.
Ain't no need for your ass to be out,
'cause his ass gon' be dead.
That's right, you know.
And feed your god damn
fish. Feed the fish, shit.
[GRUNTS] I'm just playing with you.
I'm just playing, man.
You know the kids love you.
My boy really loves you.
I'm sorry. I'm not
calling him dad again.
It's was one-time thing.
[DAN] Just gotta take my couch.
- You really wanna move it?
- This'll just take a minute.
You're not gonna move?
No, don't take that. Leve it.
Okay, should be quick.
[DAN] You don't have to
go over there, you know?
What else I'ma do? I can't run.
They got my ID. They know where I work.
They always in there.
I don't got no other option.
So why don't we just call the cops?
All right, stop with this
call the police stuff, man.
Like, you're the one that say
we should abolish the police.
Yeah, we should after they
do this one last thing.
How much do you have?
- The same 800.
It's them calling now.
I should probably go.
What are you so worried about
getting there on time for?
They're not gonna spare your
life because you're punctual.
'Cause I can't avoid them.
If I don't deal with them
today, I'll see 'em tomorrow.
So just don't go until
you have the money.
Yo, stop trying to tell me what to do.
- You're not from here.
- You're not from here either.
No, you're not from here.
You grew up Upper West Side, stable.
I grew up in a lot of
different places, not Manhattan.
You got your mom out here.
Like, I don't have
those same luxuries, bro.
Luxuries, don't fucking
talk down to me, man.
I'm in the same stop as
you. We're in the same
I'm on your fucking couch.
What are you talking about
[DAN] It's just for now.
What do you mean it's just for now?
Stop trying to make everything
sound so god damn easy, bro.
No matter what I do, I'm done.
My job can't help. Kareem can't do shit.
My sister won't even
answer the fucking phone.
[CHUCKLES] shit is crazy.
Niggas really don't give
a fuck about me, man.
Why do you say nobody
gives a fuck about you?
I'm right here.
I skipped practice today
to help you, I'm right here.
Dan, you pump balls.
I almost got arrested
bringing you lunch today.
You talking 'bout, "I
skipped practice to help you."
Like, you talking about practice?
[DAN] I did what you asked.
Bro, you do what everybody asks.
You took these fucking fish
'cause Kareem asked you to.
You don't really care
about helping, bro.
You just do shit so
people not mad at you.
So what do you want me to do?
Nothing, I'ma go by myself.
Jesus, fuck, man.
Just cut the fucking pride
for one minute and just listen.
[KEVIN] I'm being prideful?
When's the last time you called
your dad, like sixth grade?
Yeah, okay, and your sister
won't pick up the phone
'cause she gave up on you.
- All right, you got it.
- Why is Georgia so well.
She's not better. She's not smarter.
She just goes for what she wants.
She's not so fucking scared.
- Kev?
- Hey.
- [JESS] I kept calling.
I'm with Dami at the E.R.
Can you come to the
hospital now, like right now?
Her parents are still at
work, and I just have to leave.
I don't I can, Jess. Is Dami okay?
Yeah, she's okay. No
doctor has seen her yet.
Also, Dami admitted
she stole the belt from Zayna,
not the other way around.
[DAMI] It's a Gucci belt.
She shouldn't even be
able to afford that shit.
- [JESS] Dami, come on.
- [DAMI] That shit like $2,000.
[JESS] That doesn't mean you
steal it and fight someone.
- [DAMI] Why not?
- How much is it?
[DAMI] It's like $2,000 plus tax.
Uh, yeah, I can't I
can't come there, Jess.
I'm sorry, I have to I can't.
Feel feel better, Dami.
[MAN] I tried slinging meth and Mary.
She won't sing her part.
Sing Blackstreet, "Don't Leave Me."
- Yo.
- Yo, what the fuck?
Also, I got you these rare fish, bro.
They're from the Hudson.
You can't even really get
these in no stories like that.
Look, bro, I just need
a couple of more months
or years or something.
I could get you the
rest of that, I promise.
I just trading forex, man.
It's just a lot of things
going on in my life right now.
I'ma get a second job, we
have to pay rent this month,
my mom got cancer.
It's a lot of things
going on in my life that
Peeped your IG. You paint?
Um, I'm trying.
Yo, where did he go?
[BLUE] I fuck with one of them.
That shit had a lot of blue in it.
Would you wanna buy it?
Nah. I only fuck with abstract.
You think you can help me, man, please?
Probably shoulda' called 12 dummy.
What are you doin', man? Help!
Yeah, after this game.
- What the fuck?
Yo, keep that bag on your fuckin' head.
- Fuck me.
- What?
- Hey, this belt is worth a lot.
I would love to trade it for my friend,
right here with the bag.
- Sorry
- Get the fuck in here.
- [DAN] I'm going.
Yo, what the fuck? Put
this shit down, man.
What'd I tell you?
I don't give a fuck about no belt.
Why you open the fucking door?
They knocked twice.
Listen, okay, I got this belt.
I'm gonna tell you, it's worth a lot.
Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
Zay, get outa the bathroom.
Oh my god, what?
[DREW] Get in your
room. Don't "what" me.
What he doing here?
[DREW] What, you know him?
[ZAYNA] Yeah, that's my teacher.
- That's your teacher?
- Mm-hmm.
- [JON] You know her?
- [DAN] Mm-hmm.
Yo, you gon make sure
she does good in school, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I
I don't need to do her any favors.
The kids took a test today,
almost everybody failed.
Zayna got the highest score.
- Really?
- She's smart.
Yo, you got the highest score?
Why you ain't tell me?
I just graded it a
second ago in my head.
Hey, yo, that's my belt!
[DAN] Uh, I
Yes, she she lost your belt,
and that's why I am
here to return your belt.
- No, that shit was stolen.
- I understand that.
Yes, it was stolen. I know, I remember.
There was a whole thing earlier today,
and and I got it back,
and it couldn't wait till morning,
so here I am bringing her belt.
Yo, she was upset all day,
and I ain't know why.
Appreciate you bringing that shit.
- [DAN] Of course.
- [ZAYNA] Hey, yo, Blue.
I got my Gucci belt back, look.
Yo, she don't even know it's fake.
[DAN] Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now where the fuck do
you think you going?
Bro, you just said we could go.
No, he can go. I'ma fuck you up.
[DAN] But I'm Zayna's teacher.
What that got do with him? Motherfucker!
- Motherfucker!
- Motherfucker!
Yo, wait, yo, Kevin
helped me find the belt.
Man, you messed up my boomerang.
Wait, wait, wait, Kevin helped
me find the belt for Zayna.
That's why he couldn't get your money.
That's what we were doing all day.
Oh, man.
I still need two racks from you.
I got you.
And you gon' make sure she
does good in school, right?
Yeah, she just got an "A"
on tomorrow's test also.
- Yo!
- Aye! Boop!
[DAN] Yeah, of course.
Yo, ain't it corn soup
Sunday this weekend too?
- Yeah.
- We getting it free now, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
I'll see you I'll
see you this weekend.
- [DREW] Yeah.
- Make sure you tag me.
- [DAN] Nice to meet you.
- [KEVIN] Yeah, yeah, I got you.
I got this weekend. I'll see you.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, thanks for
- No, you're
- It's cool.
- Yeah.
[MAN] Niggas be lying,
bitches be lying
[DAN] Why didn't just sell your phone?
[KEVIN] I didn't even think about that.
L-Y-I-N-N ♪
Hey there what's your name ♪
We seem to be going the same way ♪
So do you wanna join my one man band ♪
Do you wanna join me ♪
'Cause don't nobody seem to understand ♪
And they all kinda noisy ♪
Tell me where you've been ♪
Since the time I realized ♪
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