Florida Girls (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 ["WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO" BY GREG HVNSEN PLAYING] What would you have me do? Where would you have me go? SHELBY: We've lived in Florida our whole lives.
We met when we were five started drinking when we were 12, and dropped out when we were 16.
Tell me to fly away We never imagined one of us would go back to school, get a real job, and get the hell out of Florida.
Off to meet new people begin a new story [CAR DOOR CLOSES] and leave us here to rot.
She's leaving us here to fuckin' rot.
I'm a bad chick ALL: To Mandy! What's up with you, sourpuss? Oh, I don't know, I feel weird.
No one's ever moved away before.
Tony Hernandez did.
That doesn't count.
He was deported.
Well, whatever, we need to find a new roommate.
Someone who can handle, like, the bills and all that boring crap Mandy did.
I already moved my stuff in.
I took five bucks from my mom's wallet and she flipped out.
I can't live with that bitch no more.
- Moms are the worst.
- Moms suck.
SHELBY: Oh, God.
I'm sorry, Jayla.
- It's okay.
- KAITLIN: Oh, my God.
How long are we gonna have to keep apologizing for having moms? I'm sorry, Jay, but, like, my dad died, too, and y'all don't care.
That's 'cause none of us have dads.
- Shelby does.
- What? No.
Just 'cause he paid child support doesn't mean I had, like, a dad that loved me.
Girl, he just got you a Visa gift card for your birthday.
- He loves you.
- My dad loved me.
- Yeah, a little too much.
- Ugh - Ooh, dads are bad.
- Dads suck.
But did y'all know that dads are, like, why monkeys evolved into humans? 'Cause, like, the dad would hunt, and then the baby would get more protein and its brain got bigger.
No, Shelby.
We obviously didn't know that.
So, if none of us have dads, then, does that mean we're, like, not evolved or something? Who cares? Let's go.
Yo, first I chop, chop, chop it up and roll up Or I might be up at the crib and light a bowl up Hold up, swole up, you want to get up out my stash 'Cause you ain't Man, I can't believe Mandy doesn't have to work at this dump anymore.
Dump? What are you talking about? Barnacles is the shit.
Yeah, it was when we were 19.
Now it's pretty sad.
What's sad about it? Hey, NeeNee.
How's that baby? Yeah.
What if, what if we went back to school, and got out of Florida like Mandy did? Oh, my God.
Shelby, you're such a sheep.
Stop trying to be like lame-ass Mandy.
We're staying in Florida forever.
SHELBY [CHUCKLES]: Okay.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
You can't even afford to finish your tattoo.
Okay, you got me, Shelby.
Sorry I'm not a billionaire.
Jesus, Rick! No! - What? - SHELBY: Rick, come on, man, we talked about this.
Stop flashing the mermaids.
Yup, you're right and I ignored you and I'm, I-I'm sorry.
Okay, well, put your dick away and get the hell out of here.
I was just hoping y'all would have a change of heart? - No.
Sorry.
- No, we didn't.
Go.
Okay, miscommunication.
- That's on me, sorry.
- KAITLIN: Bye.
Okay, see? If we got GEDs, we could get real careers and not have to look at Rick's dick twice a week.
I don't want no career, and thank God I don't need one.
Yeah, cause your 60-year-old boyfriend pays your rent.
Harold is 57, and don't be mad 'cause my fine ass can pull rich men.
I'm serious, y'all.
I feel like we might need to, like, change or something.
And think about it, all we do is, like, get hammered and do dumb crap.
You can't blame alcohol for being a bad Rollerblader.
- I think we might be losers.
- What? No.
We're awesome.
We're hot as dick, and we're basically local celebrities.
- Facts.
- Besides, you really want to go live in some landlocked hellhole? Fine.
Say goodbye to Jet Skis, island parties, surfing - You don't surf.
- When the fuck did I say I surfed? I mean, maybe we are losers.
I should probably stop stealing.
Yeah, you're getting real shady.
I mean, I don't steal from people anymore.
Just, like, gas stations and my mom, and if I see an Amazon package on a doorstep, I mean, if I don't take it, someone else will.
- That's true.
- JAYLA: Well, I want to make some changes, too.
I want to be classier.
You know, so Harold will want to marry me.
Guys, he's so rich.
- And you love him? - Oh, absolutely.
But you know he said he wouldn't marry me? I mean, he thinks I'm super fine, of course.
But he talking about I need to grow up.
Exactly.
Maybe he's right, maybe we all do.
Yeah, or maybe Grandpa Harold should stop dating a 25-year-old.
Would a grandpa buy me this gold necklace? "For my princess"? - [STIFLED LAUGH] - Yes, that is exactly what a grandpa would buy you.
SHELBY: Rick, - get out! - RICK: All right, yeah, you caught me trying to sneak in.
That's fair enough.
I apologize.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- SHELBY: See you tomorrow.
- Bye, Rick.
- Rick looks good.
- ALL: No! Uptown, 3rd Ward, Josephine Then we head on down to the Melpomene And we dip on through that Calliope Throw them soldiers up for that Wild Magnole [MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE] [SIGHS] [LINE RINGING] MANDY [OVER PHONE]: What up, bitch? It's your girl, Mandy.
Leave that damn message, though.
Yo, how's Ohio? You did it.
[CHUCKLES] Um, I was actually thinking about getting my GED.
I just, I need you to tell me I can do it or something.
[CHUCKLES] I'm smart, right? Call me.
[SIGHS] And that's when I was like, I'm not gonna buy Bitcoin.
Turn that off.
I'm trying to work.
Daryl, you white trash piece of crap.
You can cook meth and listen to music at the same time.
And you can suck my left nut.
[GROANS] We have the worst landlord.
Kaitlin, can I borrow your flat iron? Whoa, you look good.
You're like a black Melania Trump.
Dude, don't straighten your hair.
Oh, I have to.
It looks classier that way.
We only think that 'cause the media stuffs all this whitewashed garbage down our throats Boo.
God, we get it, you read.
Well, Harold's coming to pick me up later, so I got to look like wifey material.
Would you really marry him and abandon us? Of course.
He has health insurance, and a two-car garage.
I've been working on my stuff, too.
I haven't stole since yesterday.
That's my bathing suit, Erica.
God, y'all are being so lame.
It's embarrassing.
What about you? You gonna get your GED and ditch us, too? I don't know.
I just read online that classes - are, like, 200 bucks.
- School costs money? [LAUGHS] That's the lamest thing I've ever heard.
But I can pay for it with the Visa gift card my dad gave me - [CLICK] - [WHIRRING] What the hell, Daryl? Did you just shut our power off? I need to straighten my hair! My edges look like Cocoa Puffs! Yeah, well guess what.
Y'all didn't pay your power bill yesterday.
You owe me 70 bucks.
I ain't turning it back on until I'm paid in full.
[SPITS] [SIGHS] Ah, it's empty.
Damn it.
Mandy used to take care of all this crap.
Dumb bitch didn't even bother to teach us how to do it.
So, what, it's, like, 70 bucks every month? Yeah, but it's fine.
Let's just put money in.
Erica, did you just pretend to put money in? I don't think so.
[SIGHS] Okay.
This is $6.
30.
Ooh, why don't we use your Visa gift card for the rest? Why was that in your pocket? Holding it? Is this seriously all we have? Are you joking me right now? Damn it.
Am I really gonna spend this on dumb-ass electricity? Uh, electricity isn't dumb.
You know what's dumb? A GED.
You really want to go to adult high school with a billion immigrants and sad teen moms? What if someone sees you? JAYLA: Well, we need to figure something out.
Harold's coming to pick me up later and my hair is jacked and my eyebrow's sliding off my face.
[GROANS] Just give Daryl the gift card.
Then he can turn back on our AC and Jayla can straighten her Brillo.
- Girl - Why? You always call your hair Yeah, I can call my hair Brillo.
It's my hair, you can't do that.
You're always saying, "Oh, you can't say that" - But that's not fair.
- [OVERLAPPING ARGUING] Just give me a minute, okay? but I can't say it? - That's not fair.
- JAYLA: You hella problematic.
[OVERLAPPING ARGUING CONTINUES] - [LINE RINGING] - [SIGHS] MANDY [ON RECORDING]: Hello, you have reached Amanda Young.
Please leave a message and I will return it as soon as possible.
[BEEPS] Uh, hey.
You changed your whole thing.
[CHUCKLES] Amanda.
Nice.
Different.
Um I'm just calling again 'cause I need some advice.
Uh, call me back, dude.
[CHUCKLES] And if we call the number on the back of the flyer, we can get fast cash for our home.
We don't own a home, Erica.
Mandy's ignoring my calls.
I always knew that stuck-up idiot looked down on us.
What? She loves us.
She's our best friend.
She was, and then she got her GED and got real bougie.
Yeah, she did just change her voice mail to sound all professional.
Ooh, that's a good idea.
You have reached Jaylandra Sparkle Williamson.
I am currently at my career right now, but leave a message and I'll be back to you.
Yeah.
Mandy must think I'm such a loser.
I got to sign up for class, y'all.
I can't keep living like this.
I'm sorry.
So lame.
- I can't.
- Thank God.
No, 'cause we don't have Wi-Fi without power.
Okay, so real talk, Jay, can you blow Grandpa Harold for money? Hell no! I'm trying to marry him so I can suck his dick for cash for the rest of my life.
Okay, but what about your actual grandpa? Can we pawn anything at his shop? Ooh, ooh, ooh! What about my gold bracelet? Okay, that's mine, you klepto, and it's fake.
[GASPS] What about that necklace you were bragging about? Just tell Harold you lost it.
Uh-uh! Ain't nobody trying to wife a bitch who lose shit.
Wait! You know who owes me money? Crystal Meth.
She's living at Big Dave's.
We could go there - and make her pay me.
- Done.
Ooh, I bet y'all I could straighten my hair at Big Dave's, too.
Ooh, and if he has Wi-Fi, I can sign up for my GED.
Ooh, ooh! And we can charge a bunch of other stuff there, too.
- Yes! - [ALL CHEERING] KAITLIN: Shotgun! You ain't gotta tell her, you ain't gotta tell her - Gotta tell her - She already know it She already know it Where that money at? I counted a mil, time to blow it And she a bad chick and she ain't afraid to show it She already know it, she already know it If she get in my car, she's suckin' my dick And she already know it Purple she already pourin', purple she already pourin' Adderall's got her mind on airplane mode Your texts she ignorin' Hold up, throwin' dirty money at the white bitches Pop trunk, wave, then your lights flicker It's the club Godzilla, pull up in the slab on them '84s Trill like Bun, R.
I.
P.
to the that's Chad Thick chick in the whip and she bad - All my - [VOLUME LOWERS] Do you guys, ever actually, like, hear these lyrics? Are they bad for women? What? [LAUGHS] You're stoned.
[LAUGHTER] - Yeah, you're right.
[CHUCKLES] - [MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES] If she get in my car, she's suckin' my dick And she already know it [PHONE RINGS] Ooh, Harold's calling me.
I'm-a send it to voice mail, so he can hear me sounding all classy.
Nice.
Hold up, throwin' dirty money at the white bitches Pop trunk, wave, then your lights flicker It's the club Godzilla, pull up in the slab on them '84s Trill like Bun Oh, shit, man.
I ain't seen y'all girls in a minute.
Y'all remember Vicky, right? [SPITS] - What up, Vic? - Hi, Vicky.
- Yikes.
- What can I do for y'all today? - Want to kill this? - Hell yeah.
We're looking for Crystal.
Oh you didn't hear? She dead.
- What? - Yeah, man.
She got hit by a truck.
[BOTH LAUGH] I'm just kidding, dude.
Y'all see her face? She like, "Oh, no, she dead.
" - [LAUGHS] - Uh, okay.
Nah, she ain't dead, she at the dollar store.
Y'all can hang out, though, have some crudité.
Or, you want to buy some bud? Look at all them crystals, all that purple.
It's some good shit, man.
Would you ever take a gift card? Girl, what? [SIGHS] Yeah, you're right, you're right.
Okay.
Um, do you have Wi-Fi? No.
Steal my neighbor's, though.
So smart.
The network is "ChurchGrannie42" and the password is Is, uh, "N-words, Jews, and queers.
" - The fuck? - What? Man, I talked to her about it but she's a very closed-minded old woman.
Vicky, clean your bed up, man.
We got guests.
Come on now.
Wasn't Vicky our class president? Whatever, let's just get this money and get the hell out this racist-ass neighborhood.
What up! [LAUGHS] I heard y'all were looking for me.
Yo, I live here now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's tight.
Uh about that money you owe me, Crystal.
- The hell you talking about? - You owe me 100 bucks.
You took my Molly last year and I stole you a Guavaween costume.
You better quit with that wack shit.
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING] Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it! - I will kill you! - Stop! No! Stop it, y'all! Acting crazy! Crystal, I'm so disappointed in you.
You was doing so good, too.
You want to go back to the streets? - Do you? - No.
No? Well, you got to be the change you seek, girl.
- Shut the hell up.
- What? The disrespect in this house! You all need to go.
Kick rocks.
What? No, dude, I got to use your Wi-Fi.
- I'll be real quick.
- Too late.
You should've thought of that before you went all buck wild in here.
- Please! - ERICA: No, no, no.
No.
- It's fine.
Y'all, let's go.
- What? Yeah, it's fine, let's go, y'all.
Place of business, ain't no school.
- Shotgun.
- Chickenheads.
I see you.
Yeah, I found you, Waldo.
Yeah, get out, go.
Making a racket, it's a family neighborhood.
Ooh, she's lucky I didn't kill her.
I didn't get to finish my hair.
I should've signed up for class.
Well, the good news is, she don't owe me money anymore.
- Ripped it off her crackhead neck.
- [GASPING] - [YELLS] - [GIRLS SCREAMING] Oh, my God, you're my hero, Erica.
Oh, my granddaddy gonna definitely buy this.
It's got to be at least 70 bucks, right? At least.
[SCREAMS] We got cash money! - Yes! - [LAUGHTER, SCREAMING] [EXHALING] [BEEPS] [SCREAMING, WHOOPING] Yeah! Let's go! Let's go! Granddaddy, we need to pawn this.
Hey, ain't you the girl that sold me that busted TV? Me? Yeah, that was me.
- Sorry about that.
- Mm-hmm.
Jaylandra, why do you keep hanging out with these crazy-ass white girls? Actually, my mom's black.
- No, what? - Yeah, she is.
Okay, but do you have to tell everyone all the time? Listen, we need to pay our power bill, but we broke.
- There it is.
I ain't interested.
- No, it's different, look.
I'm trying to get my life together, I'm trying to marry my boyfriend Harold.
That man owns two Applebee's.
He ain't trying to marry your ass.
Can you please just look at the necklace? We really are trying to fix our lives right now.
I'm actually going back to school.
That's a goddamn waste of time.
Aw, friggin' Debra, here we go.
Well, school's just brainwashing and bullshit.
Debra, stay out of it.
Fine, it's your funeral, dummy.
All right, I'll give you $20.
Uh-uh! That's gold-plated.
$100.
- $40.
- The chain at least five grams.
$90.
Jaylandra, nobody gonna buy no 7-Z-7 charm.
$50.
It says 727, that's our area code Bitches'll buy that! $80.
- $70.
- Done.
All right.
You know I'm-a sell this for $200, right? [LAUGHS] You got to learn how to haggle, fool.
- [TERRANCE GIGGLING] - I won't forget this, old man.
- Old man? - Yeah, old man.
And don't you slip and fall, 'cause I'm-a put your ass in a home.
[LAUGHING] - Open this damn door.
- [LOCK BUZZING] [LAUGHING]: Get your ass out of here.
Bye.
That's the sound of a bitch slap That's the sound of a bitch slap Don't act like you can count, Daryl.
Just turn our power back on.
Better watch your mouth, you loudmouth bitch.
Or what, Daryl? - [CLICK] - [WHIRRING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [LAUGHS] Listen.
You hear that? We did that.
We're not losers, and we don't need Mandy.
I'm-a go get ready for Harold.
What now, y'all shady-ass bitches? Y'all better give me back my necklace before we whup your ass.
Oh, hell yeah, I live for this shit.
No, dude.
We pawned your necklace.
Do something.
Crystal, stop.
Listen.
We will get your necklace back, okay? Please just give us a little bit of time.
- Oh - [GRUNTING] - Shelby, get up.
- Bitch! Oh Erica, behind you! Oh! [GRUNTING] JAYLA: Damn.
Oh, oh, no.
Erica, use your teeth.
Oh, now I got to knock this bitch out.
I am so sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, I Where'd you pawn my chain, huh? Wick City Pawns, 200 bucks.
Okay, better give me 200, then.
I don't got it.
My lashes! Oh, my edges! [CRYING OUT] Crystal, I have money, dude.
Stop.
No, that's for your GED.
Oh, come on.
We both know I was gonna spend it on some dumb crap.
Stop, dude.
Besides, Debra's right, school's bullshit.
Debra from the pawnshop? Yeah, it's gonna be me in 40 years.
I'm never getting out of here.
I'm just lying to myself.
Jesus, shut up, you sad bitch.
[GASPS] My suit! You fucked up my suit, you bitch! God, here, stop, dude.
Take it.
I don't want no damn credit card.
It's a gift card.
There's 200 bucks on it.
Go, get the hell out of here.
CRYSTAL: He a cop? No, that's my boyfriend.
[WEAK CHUCKLE] Okay, that's fair.
That is fair.
Stupid bitch.
[GRUNTING] Come on, let's go.
Wait.
What's happening? We lost? What the hell is wrong with you guys? I beat the crap out of mine.
Y'all are so embarrassing.
Do I have to do everything? Freaking ridiculous.
I got stacks on deck Brand-new Benz on deck All my diamonds wet Man, I can't believe I thought wearing a pantsuit would make Harold want to marry me.
And I thought I was gonna stop stealing.
But you know what? I like it, I'm good at it, and it doesn't hurt anybody.
God, if Mandy looked down on us before, - I am glad she can't see us now.
- [JAYLA CHUCKLES] She ever call you back? Nope.
[SIGHS] [PHONE BEEPS] AUTOMATED VOICE: We're sorry - It's disconnected.
- Of course it is.
Man, what the hell happened? All of a sudden, I feel like I've made the worst decisions and wasted my entire life.
Mandy's gonna have a career and a dentist, and I'm just gonna get another DUI and die in a street fight.
- That'd be tight.
- KAITLIN: Oh, my God.
I can't listen to this anymore.
Just save your money and get your dumb GED.
Are you being a supportive friend? - No.
No.
- [GIRLS LAUGHING, JEERING] Shut up.
I'm just saying, you're, like, super smart or whatever.
So, if you want to waste your time learning math and all that other dumb crap so you can leave the raddest state in America, just shut up and do it.
I mean, if Mandy can do it, so can you.
Oh, yeah, that bitch ain't that smart.
Wow.
Thank you, guys.
I think I really needed to hear that today.
Oh, God, are you crying? Don't cry.
There's people around.
The hell is wrong with you? You know what? I've been really thinking about something, too.
Stealing the shit out of that Jet Ski right there.
I mean, it's just sitting there.
If we don't take it, someone else will.
Yeah! [LAUGHING, WHOOPING] The good life is the life we live Good shit at our fingertips The good life is the life we live This is the good life Good life, yeah, that's right Hey! Get off my Jet Ski, you whores! Good life is the life we live This is the good life, good life