Florida Girls (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

Welfare Queen

1 ("FLOWER PUSHER" BY DJ KERA PLAYING) And watch your step.
There's glass everywhere.
Damn wild boar set off one of my land mines.
Also, watch out for land mines.
There she is.
Champagne Dreams.
KAITLIN: This is the one.
I'm gonna throw the sickest island party of all time, and my name will be remembered forever.
- Yep, she's a good one, Kirsten.
- Kaitlin.
So, no one's worried about these, uh, land mines? Anyway, she may not look like much, but she'll get you where you want to go.
KAITLIN: Yeah, I just got to get a bunch of kegs out to Josh Travis's party island.
Mm-mm-mm.
- RIP, Josh Travis.
- KAITLIN: Right.
Yeah, RIP.
Man, I should not have done that.
I already got frickin' ants everywhere.
Die, ants! Die! Die! - (ENGINE CLICKING) - So, what'd we say, $400? Yo, what the hell, man? - The battery's dead.
- Nah.
The battery's fine, okay? The problem is the plugs are fouled.
I'll be happy to fix it for you for an extra hundred.
Screw that.
Any idiot can fix a boat.
Okay.
Wow.
Um this is all my scratcher winnings and my bartending savings plus 20 bucks Rio gave me so I wouldn't tell his wife I saw him drop their baby.
It's all there.
Well it ain't Josh Travis's island party no more.
It is officially Kaitlin Hudd's island party.
- Congrats! - I'm so proud of you, girl.
- Doesn't sound as good.
- (PHONE RINGING) Rot in hell, Devo! - You're dead to me! - DEVO: Hey, come on, don't Pardon my intrusion, but why does dirty dick Devo think that he can still utilize your number after we caught him in a gang bang with Crystal Meth? Relax.
I'm done with that circle-jerking turd.
(PHONE RINGING) Mm-hmm.
- (PHONE STOPS RINGING) - ERICA: Wattie, how much for this blanket? Ew, no.
There's ants all over it.
I'm tired of sleeping under that curtain.
I want a real blanket.
Vintage piece like that is gonna run you about $60, $70.
I'll give you five for it.
- Yeah, that's fair.
- ERICA: Yo, can someone spot me five bucks? I don't have my wallet.
- You don't have a wallet.
- Jay? - Girl, bye.
- Come on.
Y'all are bartenders.
- Y'all make more money than me.
- SHELBY: No.
You still owe me a $1.
70 for pizza sticks.
(ERICA SCOFFS) Um Will you take two dollars? That's all I have.
Now, this is a one-dollar bill folded up to look like two dollars.
ERICA: Fine.
But I hate dipping into my savings account.
(SHELBY SCREAMS) Hey! Who's on my property? (DISTANT SNORTING, SQUEALING) Ah, it's just another wild boar.
I never have any trespassers.
I just want to stand my ground.
Whoa, let's get Pop-Tarts.
Nuh-uh.
Too expensive.
We're getting Jelly Pocketz.
Do we want Cheery Boys or Dinx? We can't get both.
ALL: Dinx! "Silly ferret, Dinx are for youngsters.
" All right, everybody, cough up grocery money.
Uh, I just spent every cent I had on that boat, but if y'all want to ride on my boat to my island party, I get to eat those groceries.
Bam! I got you, girl.
I love being able to support myself entirely as a businesswoman.
I'm so glad to be done relying on married-ass Harold's money.
- Lemonade on me, y'all.
- Mm.
That's lemon drink, and you're not a businesswoman.
You've been a bartender for two weeks.
Whatever.
It's gonna taste just like lemonade 'cause I bought it with my own earnings.
What? I just gave you money.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
I went before Kaitlin.
I went first.
- No, you didn't.
It just happened.
- Yeah, I did.
All right, fine.
But I spent all my money on my blanket, so if y'all want to use my blanket, then I get to eat those groceries.
No one wants to use your dirty-ass blanket.
I would never put my fine-ass body - under that thing.
- Yeah, no.
Erica, we have to cut you off.
Oh, no, thank you.
Dude, I'm serious.
Ever since you moved in, you've been mooching off us and stealing from us.
I don't steal from y'all.
- And lying about stealing from us.
- All the time.
Where'd you get this T-shirt from my old softball team? I told you.
I rented it from the library.
Ugh.
I'm sorry, dude, but you're cut off.
Fine.
I'll take care of myself.
- Okay.
- (SCOFFS) Okay.
(KAITLIN LAUGHS) Oh, hey, Erica.
- You could always go on food stamps.
- (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) The hell are you doing? Drop that shit.
You are dead meat.
(ERICA GRUNTS) ERICA: Oh, damn.
Ow.
- Drop it! Drop it.
- Ow.
Chill out, Debra.
That ain't yours! - That ain't yours! - Let go of the chips, Erica.
Damn! Spit that out! Now! Spit it out.
That ain't yours.
Get out of there.
I'm just gonna grab this pamphlet for you, Erica, just in case.
They want a little bit Yeah, they want a little bit They dancin', they movin', yeah All of these girls want a little bit, like They want a little bit Yeah, they want a little bit They dancin', they movin', yeah All of these girls want a little bit - Oh, ugh - What? I haven't eaten in two days.
(SIGHS) All right, listen, what if I told you there was a way that you can eat whatever you want and you wouldn't have to pay a dime? I'd say sign me up.
"Sign me up"? I'm glad you said that.
I read this yesterday, and you qualify for food stamps, so let's go get you signed up.
Uh-uh.
I ain't taking no handouts.
What? You mooch off us all the time.
Put the Dinx down.
Government handouts are different.
I ain't no welfare queen.
That's shameful.
You do realize that you're eating barbecue sauce right now.
Whatever.
I don't have to explain myself to you.
Besides, I got a plan to bring in some money.
Is your plan to steal something? Yeah.
So? - Oh, God.
- Ah.
ERICA: Let me know when you throw out the mayo.
(SCOFFS) Wattie was wrong.
There's nothing wrong with the plugs.
He better not have sold me a frickin' lemon.
Well, you know what they say.
When life gives you a lemon, make lemon drink.
- Really? - Mmm.
Financial independence is delicious.
Don't mind me 'cause I'm doing my thing Better watch it, watch it Ooh, girl, you know I am not one to pry, but didn't you just say you was done with that shady-ass dirtbag? - I been calling you! - Uh-uh.
Get your cheatin' ass - out of here, Devo! - Why aren't you taking my calls?! - 'Cause I hate you! Go! - Look at me! - Go! - I've been crying my eyes out! Good.
Are we done? Don't you get on my boat! Oh, my If you don't take me back, I'm gonna cut my dick off.
- That's how much I love you.
- (LAUGHING) And you know how much I love my dick! Uh, go ahead, cut your dirty dick off.
- All right.
I'm gonna do it.
- Good.
Okay, go for it.
- I'm about to do it right now.
- Good.
Yeah.
Just don't do it - on my boat because I'm not - I'm gonna cut my dick off.
- cleaning up your mess! - I'm gonna do it.
- I don't want to do it.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
DEVO: Baby, come on.
That gang bang that meant nothing to me, all right? Come on, baby.
You're my ride or die.
What are you doing with that booster box? None of your business.
(IGNITION CLICKING) What are you doing? Has nothing to do with your battery.
It's in your ignition wiring.
Just go do something else.
I'm gonna do this.
Good.
Bitch claimed she done with him.
I'm taking all my stuff back, you klepto.
You took my car dice? (GROANS) You took my underwear? Ew.
You took Jayla's weave? - Why? - All right.
Chill out.
I'll get on food stamps.
But can we go now? I'm getting lightheaded.
All I've eaten is sauces today.
Yes, definitely.
Let's go now.
You just have to bring your driver's license.
- I don't have one.
- But you've driven my car, - like, a billion times.
- I don't know what to tell you.
Okay, um, you could also use your passport.
Never mind.
There's no way you have that.
Uh birth certificate? Everyone that was born has a birth certificate.
- I don't think I have that.
- You were born.
Your mom must have your birth certificate.
No way.
I'm not dealing with that bitch today.
Okay.
Well, if you won't get on food stamps, then you can't live here anymore.
I'll help you pack your stuff.
There.
All done.
Fine.
Let's go to my damn mom's.
Ah, Kaitlin.
What's he doing here? Oh, don't worry, girl.
She's fully done with him.
Hey, Devo, you got any food or gum or anything? No, no food.
Get in the car.
I am done with him, you know.
Oh, sure looks like it.
DEVO: Hey, babe.
Muffler.
I'm muff diving.
Ah.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) See, that's how it starts.
First you're laughing at his little muff diving joke, then he's diving in your muff and every other muff in town.
Jesus, relax.
It was a legit funny joke.
He's just fixing my boat, and then he can go stab himself for all I care.
Oh, you don't care? So after he cheated on you, it must've been someone else crying themselves to sleep in the bed next to me.
Yeah, it probably was someone else.
I've never cried.
All right, I'm gonna drop it.
Besides, this could be a good thing.
Weren't you saying you were throwing the island party 'cause you wanted everybody to remember your name? Well, now they definitely will.
Kaitlin Hudd, the punk-ass bitch that let her man ride the Crystal Meth train.
- Choo-choo.
- Jay you're playing a very dangerous game right now.
What? I'm excited for you.
A story like this is gonna spread.
They might even know about your chump ass in Tampa.
I'm not a chump! Hey, Devo! Yo.
(AIR WHOOSHING) That's for cheating on me! Hey! Oh, my God, you psycho! - What are you doing? - And that's for cheating on me - in front of the Swamp Crew.
- Stop! - Stop.
- And that's 'cause I hate you.
- Those are 300 bucks a pop! - Do I look like I care? - Do I look like someone who cares? - Yeah, well, you should care.
- They're bomb as hell! - (GROANS) I don't care.
Whoa! All right.
Just stop.
I'm done with you.
- Oh, you're done with me.
- Your whole thing.
- Okay.
Leave.
Bye.
- I'm done.
I am done! I am done with you.
I'm gonna go bone every girl in town.
Oh, good.
Hope you have fun with that.
Yeah, uh, enjoy getting herpes, bro.
- I can't wait for herpes.
- I'm sure you can't.
(SIGHS) You were right.
That felt good.
I just thought maybe you was gonna tell him to leave, or block his number, but damn You scorched the earth.
Ain't nobody gonna call me a chump now.
- Mm-mm.
- Okay.
Get your ass up.
Help me fix my boat.
Hmm I don't think I'm qualified for that position, - but thank you for the opportunity.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
You wanted Devo gone.
He's gone.
Get up! Damn.
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE) (SIGHS) Man, your mom's house has really changed over the years.
Has that hole always been here? Yep.
- Oh.
It's great.
- CHILD: You're dead! ERICA: Hey, Tanner.
Hey, Morgan.
How's Mom doing today? She's actually in a good mood.
The check from her asbestos lawsuit came in.
Tanner! Morgan! You bring my good knives back here right now, goddamn it.
I told you, play with the rusty ones in the shed.
Ooh.
Queen came down from her castle, did she? Get off my lawn.
You don't live here no more.
Ugh, moms.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): Oh, no, that tub drain is clogged.
Stopped up with hair every time you take a shower.
Those old hair strainers are messy and slimy and hard to clean.
Introducing Erica? Who the fuck are you? Erica's friend.
I was just with her.
Have you seen her? She went into her fucking stank-ass mom's room.
Just th-through here? Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you.
PEGGY: So now I've got to drop everything I'm doing 'cause your raggedy ass wants her birth certificate? Get the fuck out of my damn house.
You hear this shit? But I need my birth certificate.
Too bad, princess.
I need it, too, 'cause I'm trying to take out some student loans in your name.
But I'm not a student.
Now beat it before I cut you.
And take this Bozo the Clown-looking bitch with you.
Moms.
We've got to get out of here.
Dude, after all that we're not getting my birth certificate? I've got to get out of here.
I thought I had it rough, but this place is insane.
I feel like I'm in a nightmare.
Is that a raccoon? - (RACCOON CHITTERS) - Good God.
I can't believe your mom lives like this.
Exactly.
This is why I don't take government handouts.
I don't want to end up like my mom.
She's a mean, lazy piece of trash.
That's why you didn't want food stamps? - What? - Later, Aunt Sis.
Leave it! No! - It-It's my milk! - (CHUFFING) - (IGNITION CLICKING) - I knew it.
Nothing wrong with the ignition wiring.
Dirty dick Devo wasting my time.
God.
This island party's never gonna happen.
Didn't you say you thought the battery was dead? Stop listening to all these stupid-ass men and jump the damn battery! (PHONE RINGING) Uh (LAUGHS) Pardon my intrusion, but why does Harold think he can utilize your number when you found out he was married? I do not know.
That is so curious.
- Hmm.
- I'm gonna pick up, find out how he's doing.
We can chop it up, no big deal.
Are you kidding me?! Whatever happened to, "Man, I'm so glad to be done with Harold! I love lemon drink! Financial independence"? Oh, come on! Lemon drink is trash, and you know it! Stirring that powder all day like a damn fool! Harold could buy me fresh lemonade.
I want that fresh lemonade life.
And if he leaves his wife, I can have that! (PHONE CHIMES) Ooh, he left a voice mail.
I can't believe you called me a chump.
You should be down at Applebee's right now slashing his tires.
Hand me the jumper cables, chump.
At least I'd be a rich chump.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'd rather be poor than suck grandpa Harold's wrinkled dick.
The dick don't wrinkle when it's hard! Turn the key.
(ENGINE STARTS) - (SCREAMING) - Oh, my God! Yes! I did it! (BOTH LAUGHING) - You were right the whole time! - I hope you like getting blackout drunk in the middle of the Gulf, Jay, 'cause Kaitlin Hudd's island party lives on! - Oh, yeah.
- (LAUGHING) - (SCREAMS, LAUGHS) - Man.
All right, here.
Listen to your voice mail.
Call him back if you want.
I don't care.
No judgment here.
That dude is super rich.
Just, uh I think you could do better.
Nah.
If you could fix this boat without a man, maybe I can get that fresh lemonade life on my own.
- I ain't calling him back.
- Good.
But you got to do more than that.
Come on.
You know he's just gonna keep calling, or he's gonna show up here like Devo did, and you're gonna take him back.
What? Nah.
- Yeah, you're right.
- See? Jay you got to scorch the earth.
Make him wish he never met you.
Okay.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Dude, you are not gonna turn into your mom.
Trust me, you are not your mom.
You said so yourself.
I'm a mooch and an idiot and a klepto.
I know I'm a lot like her, and she started with food stamps, then a fake disability, then got Morgan, Tanner, Deacon, Gilbert and Shannon to raise themselves while she collects a foster check.
Girl, I didn't mean all that.
Come on, you're nothing like your mom.
You're so s-s-s You're s you're smart? Mm, no.
But-but you are, you know, uh You're really Aah.
Yeah.
Um, uh Morgan, Tanner, please, uh, help me out.
Is Erica like your mom? Oh, totally.
She's a thief, kind of lazy, oh, and dumb.
Real dumb.
Okay, fine, but she has good qualities, too, right? Right? Like - Well, sometimes she does nice stuff.
- Okay.
She always steals us something for our birthdays, and when Mikey Freeman called me "Foster Boy," she beat him so hard, he whizzed his pants.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
See? You're a really good sister, and you're a really good friend.
You know, you're really good at, um Mm, no, but, you know, you-you help You help Mm.
Eh You know what? No.
Forget it.
The point is, it's okay to take a little help from the government, right? Because your mom is not a monster 'cause of food stamps.
Your mom is just a monster, and you survived that.
That's really impressive.
Oh, hey, that's something good about you.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.
I do have lots of good qualities, like Uh It's hard, right? Whatever.
Let's go get my birth certificate.
Oh, I know where it is.
Of course, you have to do something for me first.
- God, this family is just - Since you moved out, Mickey Freeman's been picking on me again, calling me "Foster Boy" and throwing rocks at me.
All right, I'll go kick his ass.
What are you doing? What? My money's going up - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - My money's going up No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no.
You know what time it is It's tee up time, I'm a chauffeur I'm a lioness, I take pride in this I'd be lyin' if I said I didn't strive for best I want success like a hunger Do what I want like a stunner Don't play with me, call me richey Had a few on my side, now a sitsy First class, getting nitty, toss that like deity Take a loss and got a bank Now my money's filthy They say I wouldn't make it In this world on my own So I did it with some bosses Played they game where they pulled me on I call the shots Count every dollar, dime Don't trust no one They try to take what is mine - I call the shots - I gotta stay on my grind Don't trust no one They gotta pay me for my time I call the shots Count every dollar, dime Don't trust no one They try to take what is mine Keep the chips.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I am awesome.
And because I'm awesome, we now have a boat.
(SCREAMING, WHOOPING) - Yeah! - Yeah! - Now let's eat, bitches! - KAITLIN: Yeah! - Yeah! - (WHOOPS) Okay, we have Pop-Tarts, we got Trix.
We got Cheez-Its.
We got Bagel Bites, we got lemonade! - Lemonade! - (SCREAMING, LAUGHING) Mmm.
Ooh, that's fresh to death.
And I didn't even have to blow Harold for it.
- That's right.
- Girl.
Oh.
Yo, did you ever listen to that idiot's voice mail? Mm.
Nah.
Y'all want to hear a married old man beg for a booty call? - Yup.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHING) HAROLD: Hey, Jay.
Baby, I miss you.
I just wanted to tell you that I, uh, left my wife, and I don't know.
I just miss you so much.
I really want to see you, baby.
Call me.
Wait.
So he left this before you smashed his windows? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's good.
- It is.
Yeah, this - Yeah.
Want some of this? - Yeah.
Mmm.
SHELBY: Mmm.
- Oh, my God.
- Mmm.
It's really good.
Oh, my God.