Florida Girls (2019) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Burning up in this traffic jam I'm-a get to you when I can Sorry, baby, I'm running late But I promise I'm on my way And I've got the juice for you (SIGHS) "This next question is asking the reader "to make an inference about a character based on their" Okay.
You have officially completed all of your GED classes.
Congratulations.
You are by far the best students I've ever had.
As you know, the test is tomorrow and it is seven and a half hours long, so be sure to bring lunch and dinner.
Oh.
Oh, Ken? Hey, Ken? I thought you said the test was on Sunday.
It was on Sunday, but as I was telling the class last week, while you were asleep, they have to get the rats out of the walls on Sunday, so they moved the test to tomorrow.
So, here's the thing, my friend is throwing an island party tomorrow and she's really scary.
If you knew her, you would know why I can't miss it, but I can take the test literally any other day.
Yeah, I'll just call the Board of Education and let them know that you've got a party to go to so they have to Why am I doing this? I just want to go home.
You know, the-the test is tomorrow.
If you skip it, there'll be another one in six months.
Watch out for that pole.
(EXHALES) Where is this idiot mailman? - (COUGHS) - (DOOR OPENS) Hey! There's my favorite friend.
Whatcha up to? Uh, waiting for the frickin' mailman so I can get my new credit card and buy all the kegs for the island party tomorrow.
The whole town's counting on me, and this mailman's jerking me around.
Interesting, so if the credit card doesn't come, then you can't throw the party tomorrow, and I wouldn't have to talk to you about anything.
- What? - Nothing.
I just, I hope the credit card comes so you can throw that party.
Okay, good.
Me, too.
JAYLA: Y'all, how long can someone survive on only alcohol? My stepdad's been doing it for, like, 12 years.
Damn.
I want to die faster than that.
HAROLD (OVER PHONE): Hey, Jay, baby.
I miss you.
I just wanted to tell you that I, uh, left my wife and I don't know, I just miss you so much.
- I miss you, too.
- I really want to see you, baby.
- Call me.
- (WHIMPERING) Y'all want to hear something hilarious? Definitely.
I love jokes.
If I had listened to this voice mail before I smashed Harold's windshield - (ERICA LAUGHS) - He wouldn't be ignoring my calls, and I'd still have a reason to live.
(LAUGHS) I don't get it.
HAROLD: Hey, Jay, baby.
I miss you.
KAITLIN: Jay, quit playing that crap.
And you're gonna need to snap out of the sad sack routine or you're gonna bring the party down.
(COUGHING) Yo, dude, are you getting sick? Nah, it's just, like, a allergy or something.
(COUGHING) Oh, no.
That is not right.
- Dude - Yo, what's on your shirt? What? This fuzz stuff? I don't know, but my mattress is covered in it.
The mattress you got out that dumpster? (SHELBY GASPS) It's frickin' mold.
You're covered in mold.
- Ah, God.
- Yo, you brought mold into our house? God, you're such a scrub.
I really, I really can't handle this right now.
You need to go burn that mattress.
What? No.
I'm a pillow away from having a whole bed.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, everyone! Shut up! My credit card's here! Yes! (LAUGHS) (WHOOPS, LAUGHS) Drink it in, bitches.
My EZ Money credit card has arrived.
We're going shopping! I got money, I got money, I got money, I got money We own dough, hating that get your own dough Ballin' just like Rondo, I did it, took my time though I came from nobody, want to go, want to go? Now I got people calling me pro, uh-huh Everybody on 'cause I got a sick flow And they know I'm about to blow Like what, like boosh 'Bout like swoosh Don't worry about me, do you While your girlfriend do the crew That money got proof that she picked it up, uh-huh And she dropped it low, low Do it for the dough While she blow it like some truff Money, money, money, money, money, money, money I got money, money, money Money, money, money, money SHELBY: Uh "Parly Goo"? That's a dope name for a boat.
No, idiot, it obviously says "Party God.
" - Uh, hmm - (SCOFFS) Man, tomorrow is gonna be wild.
I hope someone dies.
I mean, not one of us, obviously, but someone.
No one forgets a party where someone dies.
If someone's gonna die, I would like it to be me.
Um, dude, - about your party - Not now.
Jay, get out of the car.
I need to say something.
So, um, all right.
I'm not trying to be a pussy or anything, but I want y'all to know this party means a lot to me.
Ever since I was little, my dream was to be the coolest girl in Clearwater, and we all know that I am.
- Huh? - But now Everyone else is gonna know.
So, thank you for helping me.
I'll never forget it or whatever.
Okay.
See you inside.
Party God in the house! (DOOR OPENS) - Was Kaitlin just nice to us? - (DOOR CLOSES) Yeah, she was.
I got out the car for that? You know I gotta come back You know I got to get the racks SHELBY: Wow, Kaitlin, - your hair's so cool.
- (LAUGHS) And Mango's hair.
- So cool, too.
- Yeah, it's pretty baller.
Yeah, um, I just wanted to say I am so happy for you.
You know, 'cause you're gonna be a legend and everyone's gonna talk about your party for years and years.
- Yeah.
- Um, tiniest thing, I can't go, 'cause my GED test is on the same day.
(CHUCKLES): But, um, whatever, you don't care, you get it.
Oh, my God.
(KAITLIN CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
What? Uh you're not mad? What? What? No.
No, I'm not mad.
It's totally fine.
Good luck on your test.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Wow, she handled that really well.
- (SCREAMS) - Oh, God.
Still handling it better than I thought she would.
I will never forgive you for this.
You're dead to me, you traitor! I mean, Erica's dying, and she's still coming to the party.
(COUGHS) Yeah, and I'm suicidal, and I'm still coming.
KAITLIN: See? Huffing hair dye.
Wants to kill herself, still finding a way to be there.
- Baller.
- You know what? Forget it.
Screw you! Oh, my God! (PAINED SHOUTING) How did you do that? Oh, my God.
(EXHALES) You know what's crazy, Kaitlin? There's a small part of me that thought maybe I would tell you I had to miss your party for my test and you wouldn't be mad.
Wow, that's literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Oh, you're right.
It's so dumb of me to think that my friend would be proud of me for doing a thing I set out to do so I could start a career and get out of Florida like Mandy did.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES) SHELBY: Wait.
Is that Mandy? What? Oh, my God.
(SCOFFS) It is Mandy.
Oh, great.
- Oh, my God.
- I hate this stuck up bitch.
Now I got to listen to two a-holes talk about - how much Florida sucks.
- (SQUEALS) Oh, my God! I can't believe you're in town.
I was just talking about you.
What are you doing here? Dude, Ohio sucked dick.
I missed Florida so much.
I hope you bitches are up for getting wild tonight.
I'm talking like, jack off a cop to stay out of jail wild.
Whoo! - No.
- Yes! I've been saving this for when the Rays win the World Series, - but this moment feels right.
- (GASPS) - (GIGGLES) - Erica, weed.
SHELBY: I cannot believe you hated Ohio.
Y-You had your dream job, right? Corporate public relations account assistant? I know, it sounds amazing on paper, but in real life, it's eight hours a day stuck with nerds in plaid who talk about, like, different types of coffee beans and shit.
And have you ever heard of NPR? - No.
- It's like, radio about other countries, all the hosts have dumbass names.
Everyone's obsessed with it.
But, I mean, I called you.
And you never called me back, so I-I figured you were loving Ohio, and Yeah, I'm so sorry about that.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) (ERICA COUGHING) I think I just, like wanted to start fresh, with like, a clean slate, like, focus on my career.
But then I realized, it's all so meaningless.
- JAYLA: Mm-hmm.
- I mean, you work so hard for what? Just to be able to afford a shitty condo and a Hyundai Elantra? And then you keep on working and not having any fun until you die.
Stop bringing the party down, Shelby.
Sorry about her, she's just mad 'cause she was wrong about everything.
Okay.
Raise 'em up, bitches.
- Hell yeah.
- (LAUGHS) To Mandy.
- ERICA: To Mandy.
- MANDY: To me.
Goddamn, I missed you guys so much.
I've just been, like, stalking Jayla's Instagram for months.
Just dying of jealousy at the fun - y'all were having.
- Oh, yeah.
Before I ruined my life, I used to take pictures looking fly in front of stuff.
Don't worry about her.
Uh, you were telling us about how Ohio sucks - and Florida rules? - No, but there's got to be something that you liked about Ohio, right? I mean they have these things called wine bars.
It's basically a bar, but there's more wine than beer.
Dumb.
And I had health insurance.
(COUGHS) Oh, tight.
You think you can get me some medicine? - I got mold.
- KAITLIN: Erica, knock it off.
And you know, go burn that mattress.
Don't think I forgot about that.
(COUGHING) - Dude, are you okay? - No.
I got mold from my mattress and no one cares - and everyone's yelling at me.
- KAITLIN: Erica! Go now.
Just ignore her; she's fine.
All right.
(LAUGHS) What do you say we, uh, keg things up a notch? - Right? (LAUGHS) - Hell yeah.
Oh, shit, but Shelby.
You can't hang out, right? 'Cause you got to study for your GED test? So you can get a career and-and get out of Florida.
Uh-huh.
Right, I totally forgot that you were doing that.
Ugh, and I just said all this stuff about how awful it is out there.
(GROANS) You must've wasted so much time.
I feel horrible.
(GIGGLES) KAITLIN: Yeah, it sucks for her.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
(ERICA COUGHING) Yeah! Fast life, fast life, fast life (SCREAMING, LAUGHTER) (WHOOPING, LAUGHTER OUTSIDE) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Yeah! I live on the edge, on the deep end (CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
"Chapter one.
As you prepare to take the GED test" (MUFFLED LAUGHTER, CHATTER) (EXHALES) - There you go.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) - Yes.
- Wha Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Mom's here.
- (LAUGHS) What's wrong, Mom? - Oh Is our happiness too loud for you? (ERICA AND KAITLIN LAUGH) No, I was gonna have a beer and then get back to studying.
MANDY: Yeah, you could have a beer.
Or you could do a keg stand.
- Ooh - KAITLIN: Oh, shit.
- Fuck it.
- ALL: Yeah! Get up here! Get up! Get up! We gettin' to the money - Yeah! - (WHOOPING) I still on everybody, up and down I hit the switches 24/7, especially on the weekends, weekends Place the gang, feelin' exotic and real meekish, yep Cash so good, offers don't need no defense Cash, knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone We got space, hit the droll, you not goin' home You know I'm squad, so I put my squad on When you hear me, your speakers better go Halla dom, halla dom, club hoppin' Poppin' here in they old joggy Won't stop it from the shine 'cause we all got it Large pockets, overseas, and we all mall shoppin' Don't shot it, get this money 'cause we real shotters ALL: Burn it, burn it, burn it! Screw that dumb test and screw those lame-ass classes! I want to party with y'all - forever! - (ALL SCREAMING) (LAUGHTER, WHOOPING) - Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh-ho.
Y'all.
Y'all.
Do you realize that-that we have a boat full of kegs just, just sitting right over there? Let's take them to the island right now and party until everyone gets there tomorrow.
(CHEERING, WHOOPING) - (LAUGHING) - Do it! Yeah! - That's right.
- Come on! - Whoo! Shotgun! - Yeah.
Yes! (CACKLES) (LAUGHING) Let's go, come on! - (LAUGHS) - (WHOOPING) - Let's go.
- Um - Liam! - (WHOOPS) (BLOWS) (BEEPING) - Awesome.
Thanks, bud.
- (CHEERING) - Here's some gum.
- KAITLIN: Liam.
I need you to take care of Mango.
He'll eat whatever you eat.
Keep it real, bud.
SHELBY: All right.
(ALL WHOOPING) Let's go! (SHOUTING, WHOOPING) Surprise hits, on some rhymes Guys, I'm sorry I've sucked for so long.
No, no, no, no, it's okay.
I have.
But don't worry.
Cool Party Shelby is back forever.
(ALL LAUGH) - Hey, Cool Party Shelby.
- Yeah? - You fully just missed the boat ramp! - What? - (ALL LAUGHING) - Dumbass! You missed the light.
- Thank you so much, Mandy.
- All right.
If it weren't for you, I would be studying for some pointless test instead of having the best frickin' night of my life Whoo! - (QUIETLY): Oh, my - JAYLA: Damn.
I'm still alive.
Is everyone okay? My head hurts, but I think I'm okay.
Kaitlin, can you help me get out? KAITLIN: The boat! (ALL GRUNTING) The boat's fine.
- (GROANING) - It's totally fine.
Okay.
We're good.
We're good, guys.
I mean, the kegs are a little banged up, but yeah.
It's all gonna be okay.
- Wow.
- (ALL CHUCKLING) SHELBY: What a close call.
(GRUNTING) Holy crap.
I just wrecked our only car.
Yeah, well, we have mine, remember? I have a brand-new Hyundai Elantra.
I could fuck with an Elantra.
Wow.
Okay, so nothing bad happened.
- Well, I am hurt pretty bad.
- KAITLIN: Nothing bad happened? Really, Shelby? We're seven hours away from the party of the year, and our ride is under a freakin' pole.
Dude, you need to chill out.
Parties are supposed to be fun.
Lighten up, we'll figure it out.
Oh, yeah, sure, cool.
Easy for you to say.
Your reputation isn't riding on this party.
God! How are we gonna get nine kegs to an island without a boat? Y'all, I got an idea.
What if the kegs were the boat? Erica, you just flew into a windshield, you're not making any sense.
No, I just mean kegs float, right? What if we tie them all together and make a keg raft? We can paddle to the island on the kegs.
The kegs are the boat.
The kegs are the boat.
The kegs are the boat.
ERICA and KAITLIN: The kegs are the boat! - Yes! - (LAUGHING) This will go down in history as the most badass way anyone's ever gotten to an island.
(ALL SCREAMING) Wait, what's happening? No! Damn.
How are we gonna explain this one? Kegs fucking float? Kegs fucking float?! Fuck you, Erica! When I get up on that fucking dock, I'm gonna choke you the fuck out, you brain-dead fucking moron! Yo, I'm fully sorry.
I was thinking of empty kegs.
Yeah? You should've said empty, - you stupid idiot! - Whoa, whoa, whoa - What the fuck is wrong with you? - Stop.
Hey, dummies.
How much time we got till this party starts? Oh, what party? The one at the bottom of the fucking Gulf? God, I'm gonna be the town joke now! Jesus Christ, calm down! Can someone tell me when y'all forgot what badasses you are? 'Cause the girls I used to know could put together an island party in 15 minutes.
Do you remember when we were 13, and we wanted to go to Prana with those hot firemen, but we didn't have fake I.
D.
s? Did we give up? No.
Shelby got the idea to make fake I.
D.
s out of our yearbook photos.
And remember we made the jenkiest fake I.
D.
s, and the doorman at Prana told us to kick rocks? And did we kick rocks? No, Jayla told him we'd show him our tits if he let us in.
- (LAUGHING) - And when he told us he didn't want to see our "little buds," did we cry and go home? Nope.
Erica showed him her pussy.
- Ah.
- Oh, yeah.
And when he threatened to call the cops, did we run away scared like little babies? 'Cause I kneed that turd in the balls, 'Cause I kneed that turd in the balls, - and we bull-rushed the door.
- Ah (CHUCKLING) Now I'm gonna ask again: how much time we got till this party starts? - Five hours.
- Okay! So what are we sitting around for? Let's go get some more kegs! Who do we know that's awake this early, that could give us a ride to the ghetto store? Mom? What are you doing? (DOOR HANDLE RATTLING) Shelby, I'm sure glad you called me at the ass crack of dawn to pick y'all up, and I'm happy to do you this favor.
(SIGHS) Son of a bitch, can we just skip the bullshit, and you tell me what you want? Oh, you been drinking.
Well, good for you.
Look here.
Now, I recently just came across a drawer full of your dead grandma's unfilled prescriptions, and many of them will help my back.
So I'm gonna need you to come to the pharmacy with me to pretend to be your dead grandma.
Ooh, 'cause God bless the Lord above, you two got the same name.
You want me to do prescription fraud in exchange for a three-mile ride, Mom? You're so selfish.
Was it selfish when I gave birth to you and slipped all my damn discs, huh? Get your ass in the van.
No! Screw this.
We'd rather walk.
- Uh, would we? - Not me.
I ain't say that.
Well, have fun.
'Cause I hear it's gonna be one hot-as-shit day.
(CACKLING) (SCOFFS) - I'll do it.
- (TIRES SCREECHING) What the? How'd you get in here? Trunk.
I'll do the prescription thing.
Now, how the hell you think you're gonna trick a pharmacist into thinking that you're Shelby? - I just swiped this from her.
- (GASPS) Oh, you got all the answers, huh? I'm gonna need something in return, though.
See, I need some meds real bad.
I flew into a windshield and I got mold poisoned.
None of my friends care, but I think I might be real sick.
Huh.
Got a little hustler in you, don't you? I like that.
You got a deal.
Yes.
Oh.
You're shivering.
Um, there's a sweater or something by your feet.
You sure? I might get mold on it.
Oh, that's okay.
Um.
I don't want you to die in my van.
And then I got to clean up that mess.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
(SNIFFS) Man, this hair dye ain't doing nothing.
God! Are we really doing this? Walking three miles, we don't even have a boat? We're never gonna pull this off.
We better, I'm skipping my GED test for it.
Y'all, trust me, we can do this.
When the five of us are together, we're, like, unstoppable.
Now we're back in the night Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah, oh