Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
The Winner Takes It All
1 Previously, on Four Weddings and a Funeral Maybe I only like it 'cause my mom and I saw it on Broadway a couple of months before she died.
Wasn't so simple for Sophie and Sky's wedding.
- You watched Mamma Mia! - KASH: Yeah, I did.
And for a movie that makes no sense, I've gotta say, I enjoyed it.
I have a job interview.
Have you ever heard of Andrew Aldridge? Each of you is more than qualified to do this job, so I've decided to hire you both on half salary.
- I'm gonna tell Maya tonight.
- You sure? I feel like it's now or never.
I'm sorry, darling.
We're gonna have to go shopping.
- But you hate shopping.
- No, I love it.
- What a fun girls' day we have in store.
- Oh, Quentin.
You said that there were 20 pages of my book that you really liked, and I was hoping that maybe you would help me turn them into a short story.
- Be happy to.
- [BOYS HOOTING.]
ZARA: Dearest Craig, as I write this, my eyes are blinded by tears.
Kash, yo! My brother! Come here, man.
- Basheer, how's it going, man? - Yeah.
CRAIG: I have to tell you something.
Zara and I broke up.
She's not coming back this time.
You were right.
I owed her an explanation.
Yeah, to Ainsley, not me.
Dad? Dad! - KASH: Dad's gonna be okay.
- ASIF: You don't know that.
- [COUGHS.]
- ASIF: You're alive! You won't have to work double shifts anymore.
I'm gonna take care of you both of you.
Quentin.
Quentin? Sweetheart? Quentin? [GASPS.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[WHEELS CLATTERING.]
[CAR DOOR OPENS, SLAMS.]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
- Harvey.
- [HARVEY WHINES.]
Harvey, come on.
[PATS LEG.]
[ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [SNIFFLES.]
- [EXHALES.]
- GEMMA: Go on, go on.
- GILES: Come on.
[SNIFFLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I still can't believe it.
He just seemed invincible, you know? I once saw him fall from a second-story balcony and walk away like nothing happened.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
And he was such a sweet guy.
He wanted to do a pub crawl tomorrow before work, and now he's just gone.
Yeah, well, that's the scary thing about an aneurysm.
It could happen to anyone at any moment.
I always felt like I was gonna be a famous novelist, but if I die tomorrow, like, what would my obituary say? "Latin teacher dies of autoerotic asphyxiation.
" God, Ainsley, I that's not what you thought it was.
I was practicing to tie a tie.
Look, if I died tomorrow, no one would mourn me except for my trainer, Raoul.
Still no word from Zara? No.
I tried to call and tell her about Quentin, but it's like she disappeared.
Well, you did spring a secret child on her.
You know, maybe she just needs a little space.
I can't believe you hid a human from us.
I mean, I tell you all my secrets, like the fact that I don't know how to snap.
- See? - [ALL SNAP EXCEPT DUFFY.]
[STAMMERS.]
I would like to do that.
So, do you guys have all the info for the service on Sunday? It's a funeral, so dress nice.
Why are you looking at me? I told you.
Your options are more limited when you're tall.
I don't think I'm gonna go.
Why? Well, I didn't really know Quentin, and I think it would be weird if I went.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Does anyone want anything? - CRAIG: Uh - No.
You've got a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love Your kind of love, your kind of love [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
[SNORING.]
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS.]
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- MAYA: Marcus? Did you, uh, sleep at your desk? [CLEARS THROAT.]
That's absurd.
I slept under my desk on a dog bed.
What? Why? Uh, because my salary was recently cut in half to accommodate a foreign job thief.
I've had to take on two new roommates to make rent, and they're in a steel drum band.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to screw you over, but this is the only government job I could get.
I even applied to be Meghan Markle's decoy.
Well, while I was bathing myself in the janitor's sink last night, I had an epiphany.
I'm worth more than this.
We both deserve full salaries.
- Yeah, I agree.
- Well, good.
Let's both talk to Andrew as soon as he gets in you know, united front, state our case together.
Yeah, good.
So, he's coming in in three hours.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Let's just sit in silence till then.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
That's not silence.
Oh, there you are, Gemma.
We let you sleep in.
It's 6:00 a.
m.
SIDNEY: We're just going through the arrangements for Sunday.
Do your parents need picking up from the airport? Oh, I don't want to burden you with any arrangements.
I'm meeting with the funeral director today.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, no, no, dear.
It's already taken care of.
We'll do the service at our local parish and the reception at Ashby.
Oh, on the estate? Oh, I thought we'd do it here.
SIDNEY: In Notting Hill? [SCOFFS.]
This is a funeral, my dear, not a street carnival.
Besides, our family do have very specific traditions.
We'll commence with Sidney reading the epic nautical poem, The Barnacle's Lament by Bertram Thorpe-Bloode in 1805.
That sounds boring.
Do I have to go? Yes, darling, of course you do.
You know, I'd be happy to speak if you think it's appropriate.
Excellent.
We need someone to introduce the bagpiper.
Good idea.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
HAROON: [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Rise and shine, my lazy, beautiful sons.
KASH: Dad, it's so early.
Let us rest.
Yeah, I hardly slept.
Kash kept snoring.
I'm not your girlfriend! I don't have to put up with it! All right, that's it.
Keep kicking me.
Stop it.
Stop it.
You should be grateful that you can wake up.
Or did you forget I almost died last week? - No, Abu, we're very grateful.
- Good.
Well, you can tell that to Allah at masjid, huh? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Tabby, hey.
I did it.
I was so scared, but I did it.
You got that mole removed? What? Wait, no.
I I just sent my short story to The New Yorker.
A friend of mine, she works there, and she said she would read it today.
- Duffy, that's huge.
- Yeah.
I figure, what am I waiting for? Why deprive the world of another New Yorker story to feel guilty about not reading? I'm so proud of you.
Well, you're the one who made it happen.
Without your edits, I would still be slaving away at the creative gristmill as I mine the key - That's enough, Duffy.
- Right.
That's why I need a great editor.
And you're sure you're okay with Quentin's parents planning the entire funeral? Yes, of course.
It's how Thorpe-Bloode funerals have been done for centuries.
Well, don't you think the whole thing feels a little impersonal? I mean, it's not very Quentin.
Tradition is important in this country.
Do you think wearing a 2-foot-tall fur hat is the most efficient way to guard the Queen? No, but it's tradition.
I'm sorry.
I just want to make sure that you're fine with it.
You only get to do this once.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
ANDREW: Come in.
Andrew, Marcus and I would like to talk to you for a moment.
We feel that paying us half salary is not fair.
In fact, we think it's unethical.
We urge you to do the right thing.
"We feel"? "We think"? "We urge"? There was so much "we, we" in that sentence, I thought I was in a French bordello.
Marcus, do you agree with this nonsense? Oh, absolutely not, no.
Um, I was just coming in to remind you you're meeting constituents on Sunday.
- Oh.
- MARCUS: Oh, I'm happy to work on Sunday.
Maya doesn't have to if she thinks it's, uh, unethical.
ANDREW: Mm, Maya, if you find the realities of this job too overwhelming, feel free to resign.
No, no.
I can work weekends.
I love working weekends.
I was simply asking for fair pay.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize you got into public service for the money.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Um, I've got some forms for you to sign.
PREACHER: [PRAYING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION.]
Before we go, should we say hello to Imam Iqbal? Anything you want, Abu.
[ALL SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
And I hope we can count on seeing you at masjid more regularly now.
Uh, I kind of prefer to observe my religion more privately.
It's very personal to me.
Like when you posted that Instagram from a pie-eating contest during Ramadan.
Imams are on Instagram now? Damn, I've got some deleting to do.
Uh, shall we get on with the real business at hand? Oh, yes, let me grab my binders.
I'm sorry, what exactly is "the business at hand"? Setting you up with a nice Muslim girl, of course.
Your father told me that you're interested in an arranged marriage.
I'm sorry, Imam.
I don't want an arranged marriage.
It's a little old-fashioned for me.
Dating through the mosque is a lot like meeting someone on a dating site, except I am the algorithm.
And I would like to see you married before I die, Kashif.
Can you not try for your dying father? Before he dies? I will get married eventually.
This just isn't my style.
What about romance? What about fireworks? IQBAL: Ah, yes.
Fireworks can be beautiful.
But, also, they can blow your fingers off.
You tried doing it your way and look how that turned out.
Savage.
You young people get distracted by the superficial.
We are building a lifelong partnership, not a summer fling like Sandy and Danny Zuko.
Look, do you really think I'm gonna find long-lasting love with Fatima, a 27-year-old corporate accountant who went to Oxford and loves listening to Drake and is - [TENDER MUSIC.]
- Wow, quite beautiful.
Why don't you just take this with you and think about it? Dude.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Oh, Rosie, hello.
I I'm sorry to bother you Oy, look who decided to show his sorry face.
It's Craig.
Oh, the same Craig what mugged off our Zara? You got some nerve showing up here, unless you want an acrylic lodged in your eye.
Look, I deserve all of that, but have any of you seen Zara? I'm really worried.
She's just totally disappeared.
Oh, yeah, I'll give away the precise locality of our Zara to the man what was lying to her face.
- Are you having a laugh? - So you do know where she is? Maybe we do, maybe we don't.
Point is, female friendship is the strongest force on Earth.
We stick together like the Spice Girls.
- They famously broke up.
- They reunited, didn't they? At the end of the day, Craig, Zara is safe.
So stop worrying.
But at the end of the day, Craig, even if we wanted to tell you where she is We can't from a legality perspective.
What's that supposed to mean? You went to university, didn't you? Figure it out yourself, twat.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Ladies - Buh-bye.
- Ladies! [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Gemma, we have a matter to discuss.
Did Harvey try to make love to your leg? Please forgive him.
He's grieving too.
SIDNEY: No, it's about Giles.
We're worried about the boy.
He's withdrawn.
He's not eating.
He's been wearing the same filthy football shirt for days.
Oh, that's my fault.
I forgot to lay out a clean one this morning.
I'm not used to having him home.
Exactly.
What the boy needs is structure.
That's why he should return to Cragscross right after the funeral.
But isn't that a bit soon? The best remedy for grief is routine and hard work.
Now, once the boy's back at school, he'll be so busy studying and playing with his friends he'll soon forget all about his sadness.
AUGUSTA: I know you've been through a lot, dear.
We're only thinking about Giles.
Is keeping him here best for him, or for you? - [HARVEY WHINES.]
- Harvey.
[PATS LEG.]
CRAIG: And then her friend was like, "All will be revealed in time.
" What does that mean? They're like a coven of spray-tanned witches.
Well, maybe Zara will show up at the funeral.
Maybe.
Are you going? [SIGHS.]
I don't know.
Hasn't been that long since the wedding.
I wouldn't wanna do anything to upset Ainsley I mean, more than I already have.
Eh, it's a funeral, and I bet Quentin would have appreciated you being there.
Hey, do you have those projections for George? Yes, uh, hang on.
- Thank you.
- [GRUNTS.]
Here you go.
My man.
All right.
Oh, what do we have here? Are you hiring a new assistant? - She is too hot! - No.
It's a profile of a girl from my mosque.
My dad's trying to talk me into an arranged marriage.
- Isn't that crazy? - I don't know.
I wasn't expecting much when my barber set me up with his niece, but that's how I met Zara.
Hm.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[LINE RINGING.]
Uh, sorry[STAMMERS.]
I'm looking for Fatima.
Fatima! Hello, hi.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry about my nani.
Uh, she rushes to the phone whenever it rings so she can get the gossip first.
KASH: Hi, um, I'm Kash.
It's nice to meet you.
I got your number from the Imam.
I figured.
Why else would a young person be calling on a landline? [LAUGHS.]
Fair enough.
Um, so have you been on a lot of dates through the mosque? A few.
[LAUGHS.]
It's better than the alternative.
My last Tinder date turned up to the restaurant barefoot.
Wow, okay.
Um, well, I was wondering if you'd consider going on a date with me? Sometime next week? I promise I'll at least wear socks.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Oh.
Right, okay.
[SIGHS.]
Next week is a long way off.
How about tonight? I'm free at 8:00.
Tonight? Yes, it's a date.
I'll see you there.
[LINE BEEPS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Wait.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- At the mall.
- KASH: The Treaty Centre? - Yep.
- Right, yes.
Thank you.
See you then.
[EXHALES.]
Peter, I want that homework by Thursday.
PETER: Okay, Miss.
DUFFY: Tabby.
Tabby, hey! How's your day? Fine.
How's your day? Oh, it's okay.
Yeah.
Uh, made a bomb panini, gave a pop quiz, got an email from The New Yorker.
Um, they're gonna publish my story.
- Duffy, oh, my God! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
Uh, well, it's in the summer digital fiction issue, but I like it that way it saves trees.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can't believe it.
Well, it's all because of you.
I love how you read my story, and I love how you were honest with me, and I love I love you, too.
I've got to go French grammar in five.
So proud of you.
[LAUGHS.]
What do you think of this for the funeral? Is it too ostentatious? No, it's perfect.
Yes, I think it would work.
I mean, I'll need to find a good coat to wear with it.
- It's very cold out Yes, fine.
- How are you doing? Quentin's parents have taken care of everything.
We're all set for Sunday.
No, no.
How are you doing? I should get going.
I need to pack Giles for Scotland.
He's going back to Cragscross on Monday.
[KISSES.]
And you know Giles the second my back is turned, his trunk will be brimming with chocolate Hobnobs.
Giles is going back to school already? - Isn't that too soon? - I beg your pardon? I'm sorry, but I was around Giles's age when my mother died, and for the longest time after the funeral, all I wanted to do was be with my dad.
I'm sure you did, but what a child wants isn't always what's best for him.
Cragscross will be a much-needed distraction.
Maybe adults need distractions, but kids, they need attention, and they need to feel loved and safe.
Thank you for your input, Maya, but I know how to raise my son.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, have you already had supper? Uh, boiled beef.
There's a plate for you in the fridge.
Has Giles eaten? He's been in his room all afternoon said he wasn't hungry.
Oh.
Giles? Giles, have you started packing? There's no more Spider-Men until you're done.
- Giles, did you hear me? - [WIND WHOOSHES.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Giles? Oh, my God.
Giles! [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER.]
And do you have any idea where he might have gone? Well, of course I bloody don't.
That's why I called you.
Well, where does your son like to hang out? I don't know.
He's at boarding school most of the year.
What about calling one of his friends? I don't know any of his friends.
Oh, God.
I'm a terrible mother.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Yes, this is she.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh, thank God.
Sorry, he's where? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Fatima! - Kash.
[LAUGHS.]
- So nice to meet you.
- We can shake hands.
- Great.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
I haven't been on a date in a shopping center since I was 15.
Oh, yeah, well, I find it's the best place to size up a guy.
You know, better to see him under the fluorescents right away, so Oh, right.
[LAUGHS.]
- I recognize that voice from the phone.
- Mm-hmm.
[BOTH SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Yeah, this is my nani.
She's, uh, my chaperone.
Is yours running late? - Yes.
- FATIMA: Yes? Yes, uh, he should be here soon.
Let me just check in with him.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- [KEYS TAPPING.]
One aloo tikki and two Punjabi samosas, please.
- Thanks for your help.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- Oh.
- - Yo.
- [KEYS TAPPING.]
[LAUGHS, SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Shit, lady, I gotta go.
- DUFFY: Maya! - Hey.
Whoo.
Hey, have you heard my good news? Oh, thank God you got that mole removed.
- Everyone was worried.
- What? No, my mole's fine.
Why does everybody keep saying that? [GRUNTS.]
They're gonna publish my story in The New Yorker.
[GASPS.]
Duffy, that's incredible.
- Oh, I am so happy for you.
- Thank you.
I promise I will read it once I finish with this endless pile of work.
No worries.
What are you working on? I'm prepping for Sunday.
We're meeting with 240 of Andrew's constituents.
Interestingly enough, 240 is also their median age.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Sunday's Quentin's funeral.
Are you not gonna go? I can't.
I have to work.
- And you can't get out of it? - No.
I I just got this job.
I'm not asking for time off.
Yeah.
You know, because if it was about your mom or something and you wanted to talk about it It's not about my mom, and I don't want to talk about it.
- Right.
- Okay.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
KASH: These are for you.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [BOTH SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, your your friend seems to really be hitting it off with my grandmother.
Yeah, Basheer's a sucker for a good goat story.
[LAUGHS.]
So I I read your profile.
You're a a banker.
Hey, um, before we get into this, I feel like I should put my cards on the table.
- Oh, um, okay.
- I am a banker, but I hate it, and I've always wanted to be an actor.
Also, you should know that I, um, recently broke up with my fiancée and left her at the altar.
Oh, my God.
I'm I'm shocked.
Sorry if that's a deal-breaker.
No, no, no, no.
I'm shocked that you think anyone in Hounslow didn't hear about your wedding imploding.
[LAUGHS.]
Every auntie is using it as an example of the [FOREIGN ACCENT.]
Dangers of dating outside the faith.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
- So you're fine with all that? - Yes.
I'm sorry it didn't work out with your fiancé and you hate your job.
Welcome to being an adult.
You think I have trouble sleeping at night because I'm so excited to do accounting in the morning? But I do it because it pays for my Froyo addiction.
I guess you could call that accounting for taste.
Eww, no.
Wordplay? - No, don't do that again.
- KASH: [LAUGHS.]
Too much? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Fatima.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[STAMMERS.]
No, this is my natural height.
I'm 5 tell her I'm 5'11".
- Don't look at me like that.
- Get them off.
- I'm not wearing lifts.
- Off.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hi, can I help you with anything? Yes, I'm looking for my son.
Well, lucky for you, we have one of those in stock.
- Size small, is it? - Oh.
Oh, Giles.
Oh, I was so scared.
Never run away like that again.
I'm sorry, Mum.
I didn't want to make you cry, but I had to get a new Chelsea shirt.
And you had to do that tonight? I was worried sick.
I'd be worried too if my son supported Chelsea.
Look, can you leave us alone? I've had quite enough of your "up" energy.
Granddad threw out my Chelsea shirt.
I wanted to wear one to the funeral.
Oh, I'm sorry, darling, but that's just not appropriate for a funeral.
And Granny already bought you that nice suit.
But Chelsea was Dad's favorite team.
Everything at the funeral sounds so boring.
Dad hated boring things.
I thought if I wore this, there'd at least be one thing he liked at his funeral.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[KEYS TAPPING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Ah, Kashif.
How was your date? It was actually really great.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
Fatima's one of the coolest girls I've met in a long time.
- I just wanted to thank you.
- Well, that's wonderful.
I I'll call her parents immediately.
Hang on, "call her parents"? Well, the first meeting went well, so now I set up a meeting for your father to talk to her parents to see if the families like each other.
Why are we doing that now? I only went on one walk with her don't even know if we like the same TV.
Better to find out now than to have your families fighting in the buffet line at the wedding.
"Wedding"? Already? No, I already had a wedding.
It went really badly.
I wouldn't know.
I wasn't invited.
You know what, now that I think about it, I'm not really interested in a second date.
- Thanks anyway.
- [STAMMERS.]
[SIGHS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking? Maya, to whom? Sorry, uh, this is Ms.
Walpole.
- Ms.
Conners.
- Oh, uh, yes, Ms.
Conners.
She has a problem with her landlord.
- Are we sure? - Yes, absolutely.
So, Ms.
Conners, I'm not sure we can prosecute your landlord for being a peeping Tom if you answer the door in the nude.
Why not? I can take it from here.
Yeah.
Someone's off their game today.
Are you gonna tell Andrew? - Try and get me fired again? - Of course not, no.
Oh, but, uh, on the off chance he does fire you, I have highlighted some opportunities in the classifieds I thought you might be interested in.
Uh, apparently, Big Mama's Shrimp Dump is hiring.
I thought you'd be a perfect fit.
[WHISPERING.]
What is your problem? You.
I want my whole salary back, okay? I've been eating bruised steaks from the damaged food aisle.
I I washed my clothes in a stream, okay? I I'm on first-name terms with the people at the sperm bank.
Duffy? What are you doing here? Look, I was on my way to the funeral and something was bugging me, and I just had to ask.
What? Have you not been to a funeral since your mom's? I mean, is that why you're not coming today? No, I told you.
I am working.
Okay.
But, you know, you bailed on your grandma's funeral too, and even I was there.
I was the only white guy in the church, and all my clapping was on the one and the three.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm totally off base.
You're not.
Yeah.
My mom's funeral was the worst day of my life.
And I wish I could go today, but I can't.
[STAMMERS.]
It would just make me too sad.
But maybe it's okay to feel sad about your mom.
And if you wanna go today and think about her, I'll be there, and I'll think about her too.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, I'll go.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
Thank you, Duffy.
Yeah.
I just need to run home and change.
Great.
I'll see you there? - Yeah.
- DUFFY: Okay.
[SIGHS.]
- Marcus - I heard.
Go.
I'll cover for you.
Really? You're not gonna sell me out? I don't know, mate.
Your funeral may just be your funeral.
I guess you'll just have to trust me.
[SIGHS.]
[HORSE NEIGHS.]
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Is this good? - Yeah.
Just save some room for Maya.
Are you sure she's really coming? Yeah, we can't be saving seats.
This is prime pew real estate right behind the kids, clear sidelines.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- Yeah, she'll be here.
Oh, sorry, guys.
I I gotta make a call.
- - [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[LINE RINGING.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- [SCOFFS.]
Hey, is everything okay? Uh, better than okay.
A CCTV camera fell on my leg yesterday, so I'm getting a pretty good check from the government coming my way.
Okay, well, I'm at a funeral right now, so what's up? - Can you tell me where Zara is? - No, Craig.
I'm wanting to tell you, but I can't legalities and all that.
But if you do want to see Zara again, make sure you're home tonight at 8:00.
8:00? Why? What's happening then? All will be revealed, Craig.
All will be revealed.
[LINE BEEPS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
This was the only seat.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, that's fine.
SIDNEY: Please stand.
"Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight where ignorant armies clash by night.
The ship did rock and lightning cracked and all the men afeared.
But Captain Thorpe stood rigidly with ice flakes in his beard.
The ship's great hull and captain's hopes were dashed upon the rocks.
Thorpe ne'er shall see his home again.
He moors at heaven's docks.
" [WHISPERING.]
Mum, it's your turn.
Good luck.
[SWEET, NOSTALGIC MUSIC.]
I'd like to thank the Thorpe-Bloods for sharing so many of their family traditions.
And while I'm supposed to introduce the bagpiper, I thought I would, instead, talk a little bit about Quentin and me and our little family.
But first, a costume change.
[INDISTINCT MUTTERING.]
[HOPEFUL MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
If you all look under your pews, you'll find shirts of your own to put on.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Let me tell you about something Quentin loved.
Chelsea Football Club.
Nothing made him happier or angrier.
I would leave notes for the neighbors on match days pre-apologizing for the fireworks he would shoot off our roof when they won, or for the volume of his profanity when they lost.
[LAUGHTER.]
I used to dread the racket he'd make.
But the next time Chelsea play I'm afraid I'm gonna miss the sound of him yelling, "Is the ref blind, or is his head just up his own ass?" [LAUGHTER.]
Quentin also loved music.
So instead of playing the family hymn which Quentin hated, by the way I've asked the quartet to play a different song Quentin's favorite, The Winner Takes It All.
[BAND PLAYING ABBA'S THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL.]
I remember on our very first date, this song came on the radio and he turned to me and said, "I think ABBA were way better than the bloody Beatles.
" [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know yet all the things I will miss about my husband But I think the thing I will miss the most are the parts of me that he brought out.
And that's what I wish for all of you that you find someone who makes you a better version of you than you would ever be on your own, who you'd be utterly lost without.
So before we leave, I'd like to raise a glass to Quentin, and make a toast in a way my husband would have loved.
Well, he loved any toast.
Let's be honest.
The man was a medium-functioning drunk.
[LAUGHTER.]
[GLASSES CLINKING.]
To Quentin Thorpe-Bloode, a man as exciting as a Chelsea match, as enchanting as an ABBA song And as intoxicating as a bottle of scotch.
We'll miss you, you handsome old bastard.
Oh, and I believe Giles had one last message he'd like to deliver on behalf of his father.
Arsenal sucks! [LAUGHTER.]
And, everyone? ALL: Arsenal sucks! [BARKS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[SWEET, NOSTALGIC MUSIC.]
[INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF JOHN NEWTON'S AMAZING GRACE.]
[SOFT INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Ah, well, that was quite the spectacle, but I'm sure my son would have appreciated it.
He always loved the things that made me angry.
Well, Giles looks in good spirits, at least.
Is he all packed and ready for boarding school? Actually, Giles isn't going back to Cragscross on Monday.
But he'll miss the midterm Loch Ness Swim.
Well, that would be a shame.
When do you imagine he will return? Never, actually.
Giles is staying in London with me.
Well, you are a grieving widow, so I'll forgive this lapse in judgment.
What Giles really needs What Giles needs is to be with his mother.
Dear girl, are you quite sure you can handle raising a child on your own? You never even learned how to change a nappy.
Well, luckily, Giles is potty-trained.
And you're right, though.
I don't know how to be a mum.
But I don't want to be at Giles's 18th birthday and realize I'm watching a stranger blow out the candles.
But I've just donated a bloody language lab to Cragscross whatever that means.
I think you're making a dreadful mistake.
Well, fortunately, your son taught me not to care what other people think.
Giles is staying with me.
[SWEET, MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Between we girls, Quentin hated Cragscross.
[SNIFFS.]
I always had to bribe him with chocolate Hobnobs to get him to go back.
[WHISPERING.]
And he'll roll over, and then he's gonna do two paws, and then - [BRIEFCASE LOCKS SNAPPING.]
- Where's Maya gone? Job finally broken her? [SIGHS.]
If only, sir.
[LAUGHS.]
No, um, unfortunately, she had a funeral to attend.
And we believe her? Sure she's not celebrating one of America's million holidays? Columbus Day, Thanksgiving every time someone crosses the ocean, you get a day off.
[LAUGHS.]
Quite absurd, sir.
But, I I'm afraid she does have a funeral.
Hmm, very well.
- Hello again.
- MAYA: Hey.
[FIREWORKS CRACKLING.]
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
Oh, fireworks.
[UPBEAT ACOUSTIC GUITAR.]
Wow.
They're beautiful.
Yeah, but they can blow your fingers off.
Wow.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
KASH: Sorry for intruding, Imam.
I just wanted to see if you've already contacted Fatima.
Believe it or not, letting down young women isn't at the top of my priority list.
- I haven't.
- Brilliant.
I've changed my mind.
I do want to see her again.
I just don't want to rush things.
I am pleased.
Take a seat.
Yes, I enjoyed spending time with Fatima.
But do I want to marry her? It was only one date.
And am I ready for our parents to meet? - I'm not sure - Okay, Prince Hamlet.
Just go out again.
We don't have to introduce the families yet.
Really? It's that simple? Yes.
It's not my job to trick young people into lifelong commitments.
I'm not T-Mobile.
[STAMMERS.]
That's such a relief.
- Thank you, Imam.
- Relief? You know what else would be a relief? To see you at prayers tomorrow morning, Kashif.
Okay, I'll see you at 8:00.
5:00.
I said morning prayers.
Ah, 5:00.
Brilliant.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
ZARA: Hi, I'm here! Zara? [BOTTLE CLATTERS.]
Zara! [LAUGHS.]
[PEPPY POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
ZARA: Hi, boys! That wallet looks nice.
Let me go slip off my fur.
[GIGGLES.]
CHRIS: Oy, she is gorgeous.
[LAUGHS.]
Now that is a proper fit girl.
GARRETT: I wouldn't mind cracking onto her, mate.
ZARA: My name's Zara and I'm 28.
I'm a Virgo by birth, Gemini by choice, and I'm looking for love.
My heart was recently broken by my ex, who was a lying dickhead who kept secrets from me, so now I'm hoping to find a nice boy I can trust.
And if I learn to snowshoe in the process, all the better! Oh, hello there.
My name's Zara, like the store.
CHRIS: My name's Chris, like Christmas, but without the center bit.
ZARA: I'm obsessed with Christmas! [ZARA AND CHRIS LAUGH.]
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[RAIN PATTERING SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
Careful, Giles.
Careful, slow down.
In you get.
[SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Are you okay not going back to Cragscross? You'll probably miss it.
I won't.
The geography books are from 50 years ago.
I had to do a report about the USSR.
[RAIN PATTERING SOFTLY.]
I'd rather be here with you, Mum.
Uh, I was wondering, Giles, where do you like to hang out? At the arcade around the corner.
The manager lets me test out the new games.
And who's your best friend? That would be Niall.
And what's Niall like? He's so funny.
He's the manager of the arcade.
He just turned 39.
Okay, got it.
Gonna need to do a background check on Niall.
[HARVEY BARKING.]
Hey, Harvey.
Can Harvey sleep in my bed tonight, please, Mum? GEMMA: Yes, of course, dear.
Now, who are your other friends? GILES: Uh, there's Martin the grocer and Louie the shoeshine.
GEMMA: Oh, dear.
[SWEET, SWEEPING MUSIC.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[MELLOW ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
Duffy? Oh, my God, come in.
English rain is dangerous.
Haven't you read Pride and Prejudice? I just broke up with Tabby.
What? Why? You know, I thought I could just make myself love her if I committed to it, but it wasn't there.
And I know that this is probably a horrible time to be bringing this up, and I'm not expecting anything back at all.
I just, uh I'm in love with you, Maya.
I've loved you since the first time I saw you freshman year, and today at the funeral, I was thinking to myself, "What if I died and I never got a chance to tell you how I feel?" I would regret it for the rest of my life.
And I know that I would be dead and all that, but I just I just didn't want to go another day without telling you how I felt.
So here I am.
Duffy, I You don't have to say anything, and I I just wanted to get it off my chest.
[ENERGETIC MUSIC.]
We've gotta hold our grief Oh 'Cause your past is your past Oh, babe, you've gotta hold me I'm trying to figure you out As you're staring straight back at me And you tell me you don't like your father 'Cause he would never let you be And now you standing beside the window You're covered in the light from the stream And I say that it gets cold here in winter Do you want my coat? You'll freeze Then you said, I need nothing From nobody I can see it on your face, you're hurting Grab a hold of me Ooh Oh Oh MAN: Go to bed.
Wasn't so simple for Sophie and Sky's wedding.
- You watched Mamma Mia! - KASH: Yeah, I did.
And for a movie that makes no sense, I've gotta say, I enjoyed it.
I have a job interview.
Have you ever heard of Andrew Aldridge? Each of you is more than qualified to do this job, so I've decided to hire you both on half salary.
- I'm gonna tell Maya tonight.
- You sure? I feel like it's now or never.
I'm sorry, darling.
We're gonna have to go shopping.
- But you hate shopping.
- No, I love it.
- What a fun girls' day we have in store.
- Oh, Quentin.
You said that there were 20 pages of my book that you really liked, and I was hoping that maybe you would help me turn them into a short story.
- Be happy to.
- [BOYS HOOTING.]
ZARA: Dearest Craig, as I write this, my eyes are blinded by tears.
Kash, yo! My brother! Come here, man.
- Basheer, how's it going, man? - Yeah.
CRAIG: I have to tell you something.
Zara and I broke up.
She's not coming back this time.
You were right.
I owed her an explanation.
Yeah, to Ainsley, not me.
Dad? Dad! - KASH: Dad's gonna be okay.
- ASIF: You don't know that.
- [COUGHS.]
- ASIF: You're alive! You won't have to work double shifts anymore.
I'm gonna take care of you both of you.
Quentin.
Quentin? Sweetheart? Quentin? [GASPS.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[WHEELS CLATTERING.]
[CAR DOOR OPENS, SLAMS.]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
- Harvey.
- [HARVEY WHINES.]
Harvey, come on.
[PATS LEG.]
[ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [SNIFFLES.]
- [EXHALES.]
- GEMMA: Go on, go on.
- GILES: Come on.
[SNIFFLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I still can't believe it.
He just seemed invincible, you know? I once saw him fall from a second-story balcony and walk away like nothing happened.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
And he was such a sweet guy.
He wanted to do a pub crawl tomorrow before work, and now he's just gone.
Yeah, well, that's the scary thing about an aneurysm.
It could happen to anyone at any moment.
I always felt like I was gonna be a famous novelist, but if I die tomorrow, like, what would my obituary say? "Latin teacher dies of autoerotic asphyxiation.
" God, Ainsley, I that's not what you thought it was.
I was practicing to tie a tie.
Look, if I died tomorrow, no one would mourn me except for my trainer, Raoul.
Still no word from Zara? No.
I tried to call and tell her about Quentin, but it's like she disappeared.
Well, you did spring a secret child on her.
You know, maybe she just needs a little space.
I can't believe you hid a human from us.
I mean, I tell you all my secrets, like the fact that I don't know how to snap.
- See? - [ALL SNAP EXCEPT DUFFY.]
[STAMMERS.]
I would like to do that.
So, do you guys have all the info for the service on Sunday? It's a funeral, so dress nice.
Why are you looking at me? I told you.
Your options are more limited when you're tall.
I don't think I'm gonna go.
Why? Well, I didn't really know Quentin, and I think it would be weird if I went.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Does anyone want anything? - CRAIG: Uh - No.
You've got a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love Your kind of love, your kind of love [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
[SNORING.]
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS.]
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- MAYA: Marcus? Did you, uh, sleep at your desk? [CLEARS THROAT.]
That's absurd.
I slept under my desk on a dog bed.
What? Why? Uh, because my salary was recently cut in half to accommodate a foreign job thief.
I've had to take on two new roommates to make rent, and they're in a steel drum band.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to screw you over, but this is the only government job I could get.
I even applied to be Meghan Markle's decoy.
Well, while I was bathing myself in the janitor's sink last night, I had an epiphany.
I'm worth more than this.
We both deserve full salaries.
- Yeah, I agree.
- Well, good.
Let's both talk to Andrew as soon as he gets in you know, united front, state our case together.
Yeah, good.
So, he's coming in in three hours.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Let's just sit in silence till then.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
That's not silence.
Oh, there you are, Gemma.
We let you sleep in.
It's 6:00 a.
m.
SIDNEY: We're just going through the arrangements for Sunday.
Do your parents need picking up from the airport? Oh, I don't want to burden you with any arrangements.
I'm meeting with the funeral director today.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, no, no, dear.
It's already taken care of.
We'll do the service at our local parish and the reception at Ashby.
Oh, on the estate? Oh, I thought we'd do it here.
SIDNEY: In Notting Hill? [SCOFFS.]
This is a funeral, my dear, not a street carnival.
Besides, our family do have very specific traditions.
We'll commence with Sidney reading the epic nautical poem, The Barnacle's Lament by Bertram Thorpe-Bloode in 1805.
That sounds boring.
Do I have to go? Yes, darling, of course you do.
You know, I'd be happy to speak if you think it's appropriate.
Excellent.
We need someone to introduce the bagpiper.
Good idea.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
HAROON: [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Rise and shine, my lazy, beautiful sons.
KASH: Dad, it's so early.
Let us rest.
Yeah, I hardly slept.
Kash kept snoring.
I'm not your girlfriend! I don't have to put up with it! All right, that's it.
Keep kicking me.
Stop it.
Stop it.
You should be grateful that you can wake up.
Or did you forget I almost died last week? - No, Abu, we're very grateful.
- Good.
Well, you can tell that to Allah at masjid, huh? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Tabby, hey.
I did it.
I was so scared, but I did it.
You got that mole removed? What? Wait, no.
I I just sent my short story to The New Yorker.
A friend of mine, she works there, and she said she would read it today.
- Duffy, that's huge.
- Yeah.
I figure, what am I waiting for? Why deprive the world of another New Yorker story to feel guilty about not reading? I'm so proud of you.
Well, you're the one who made it happen.
Without your edits, I would still be slaving away at the creative gristmill as I mine the key - That's enough, Duffy.
- Right.
That's why I need a great editor.
And you're sure you're okay with Quentin's parents planning the entire funeral? Yes, of course.
It's how Thorpe-Bloode funerals have been done for centuries.
Well, don't you think the whole thing feels a little impersonal? I mean, it's not very Quentin.
Tradition is important in this country.
Do you think wearing a 2-foot-tall fur hat is the most efficient way to guard the Queen? No, but it's tradition.
I'm sorry.
I just want to make sure that you're fine with it.
You only get to do this once.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
ANDREW: Come in.
Andrew, Marcus and I would like to talk to you for a moment.
We feel that paying us half salary is not fair.
In fact, we think it's unethical.
We urge you to do the right thing.
"We feel"? "We think"? "We urge"? There was so much "we, we" in that sentence, I thought I was in a French bordello.
Marcus, do you agree with this nonsense? Oh, absolutely not, no.
Um, I was just coming in to remind you you're meeting constituents on Sunday.
- Oh.
- MARCUS: Oh, I'm happy to work on Sunday.
Maya doesn't have to if she thinks it's, uh, unethical.
ANDREW: Mm, Maya, if you find the realities of this job too overwhelming, feel free to resign.
No, no.
I can work weekends.
I love working weekends.
I was simply asking for fair pay.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize you got into public service for the money.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Um, I've got some forms for you to sign.
PREACHER: [PRAYING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION.]
Before we go, should we say hello to Imam Iqbal? Anything you want, Abu.
[ALL SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
And I hope we can count on seeing you at masjid more regularly now.
Uh, I kind of prefer to observe my religion more privately.
It's very personal to me.
Like when you posted that Instagram from a pie-eating contest during Ramadan.
Imams are on Instagram now? Damn, I've got some deleting to do.
Uh, shall we get on with the real business at hand? Oh, yes, let me grab my binders.
I'm sorry, what exactly is "the business at hand"? Setting you up with a nice Muslim girl, of course.
Your father told me that you're interested in an arranged marriage.
I'm sorry, Imam.
I don't want an arranged marriage.
It's a little old-fashioned for me.
Dating through the mosque is a lot like meeting someone on a dating site, except I am the algorithm.
And I would like to see you married before I die, Kashif.
Can you not try for your dying father? Before he dies? I will get married eventually.
This just isn't my style.
What about romance? What about fireworks? IQBAL: Ah, yes.
Fireworks can be beautiful.
But, also, they can blow your fingers off.
You tried doing it your way and look how that turned out.
Savage.
You young people get distracted by the superficial.
We are building a lifelong partnership, not a summer fling like Sandy and Danny Zuko.
Look, do you really think I'm gonna find long-lasting love with Fatima, a 27-year-old corporate accountant who went to Oxford and loves listening to Drake and is - [TENDER MUSIC.]
- Wow, quite beautiful.
Why don't you just take this with you and think about it? Dude.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Oh, Rosie, hello.
I I'm sorry to bother you Oy, look who decided to show his sorry face.
It's Craig.
Oh, the same Craig what mugged off our Zara? You got some nerve showing up here, unless you want an acrylic lodged in your eye.
Look, I deserve all of that, but have any of you seen Zara? I'm really worried.
She's just totally disappeared.
Oh, yeah, I'll give away the precise locality of our Zara to the man what was lying to her face.
- Are you having a laugh? - So you do know where she is? Maybe we do, maybe we don't.
Point is, female friendship is the strongest force on Earth.
We stick together like the Spice Girls.
- They famously broke up.
- They reunited, didn't they? At the end of the day, Craig, Zara is safe.
So stop worrying.
But at the end of the day, Craig, even if we wanted to tell you where she is We can't from a legality perspective.
What's that supposed to mean? You went to university, didn't you? Figure it out yourself, twat.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Ladies - Buh-bye.
- Ladies! [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Gemma, we have a matter to discuss.
Did Harvey try to make love to your leg? Please forgive him.
He's grieving too.
SIDNEY: No, it's about Giles.
We're worried about the boy.
He's withdrawn.
He's not eating.
He's been wearing the same filthy football shirt for days.
Oh, that's my fault.
I forgot to lay out a clean one this morning.
I'm not used to having him home.
Exactly.
What the boy needs is structure.
That's why he should return to Cragscross right after the funeral.
But isn't that a bit soon? The best remedy for grief is routine and hard work.
Now, once the boy's back at school, he'll be so busy studying and playing with his friends he'll soon forget all about his sadness.
AUGUSTA: I know you've been through a lot, dear.
We're only thinking about Giles.
Is keeping him here best for him, or for you? - [HARVEY WHINES.]
- Harvey.
[PATS LEG.]
CRAIG: And then her friend was like, "All will be revealed in time.
" What does that mean? They're like a coven of spray-tanned witches.
Well, maybe Zara will show up at the funeral.
Maybe.
Are you going? [SIGHS.]
I don't know.
Hasn't been that long since the wedding.
I wouldn't wanna do anything to upset Ainsley I mean, more than I already have.
Eh, it's a funeral, and I bet Quentin would have appreciated you being there.
Hey, do you have those projections for George? Yes, uh, hang on.
- Thank you.
- [GRUNTS.]
Here you go.
My man.
All right.
Oh, what do we have here? Are you hiring a new assistant? - She is too hot! - No.
It's a profile of a girl from my mosque.
My dad's trying to talk me into an arranged marriage.
- Isn't that crazy? - I don't know.
I wasn't expecting much when my barber set me up with his niece, but that's how I met Zara.
Hm.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[LINE RINGING.]
Uh, sorry[STAMMERS.]
I'm looking for Fatima.
Fatima! Hello, hi.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry about my nani.
Uh, she rushes to the phone whenever it rings so she can get the gossip first.
KASH: Hi, um, I'm Kash.
It's nice to meet you.
I got your number from the Imam.
I figured.
Why else would a young person be calling on a landline? [LAUGHS.]
Fair enough.
Um, so have you been on a lot of dates through the mosque? A few.
[LAUGHS.]
It's better than the alternative.
My last Tinder date turned up to the restaurant barefoot.
Wow, okay.
Um, well, I was wondering if you'd consider going on a date with me? Sometime next week? I promise I'll at least wear socks.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Oh.
Right, okay.
[SIGHS.]
Next week is a long way off.
How about tonight? I'm free at 8:00.
Tonight? Yes, it's a date.
I'll see you there.
[LINE BEEPS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Wait.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- At the mall.
- KASH: The Treaty Centre? - Yep.
- Right, yes.
Thank you.
See you then.
[EXHALES.]
Peter, I want that homework by Thursday.
PETER: Okay, Miss.
DUFFY: Tabby.
Tabby, hey! How's your day? Fine.
How's your day? Oh, it's okay.
Yeah.
Uh, made a bomb panini, gave a pop quiz, got an email from The New Yorker.
Um, they're gonna publish my story.
- Duffy, oh, my God! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
Uh, well, it's in the summer digital fiction issue, but I like it that way it saves trees.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can't believe it.
Well, it's all because of you.
I love how you read my story, and I love how you were honest with me, and I love I love you, too.
I've got to go French grammar in five.
So proud of you.
[LAUGHS.]
What do you think of this for the funeral? Is it too ostentatious? No, it's perfect.
Yes, I think it would work.
I mean, I'll need to find a good coat to wear with it.
- It's very cold out Yes, fine.
- How are you doing? Quentin's parents have taken care of everything.
We're all set for Sunday.
No, no.
How are you doing? I should get going.
I need to pack Giles for Scotland.
He's going back to Cragscross on Monday.
[KISSES.]
And you know Giles the second my back is turned, his trunk will be brimming with chocolate Hobnobs.
Giles is going back to school already? - Isn't that too soon? - I beg your pardon? I'm sorry, but I was around Giles's age when my mother died, and for the longest time after the funeral, all I wanted to do was be with my dad.
I'm sure you did, but what a child wants isn't always what's best for him.
Cragscross will be a much-needed distraction.
Maybe adults need distractions, but kids, they need attention, and they need to feel loved and safe.
Thank you for your input, Maya, but I know how to raise my son.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, have you already had supper? Uh, boiled beef.
There's a plate for you in the fridge.
Has Giles eaten? He's been in his room all afternoon said he wasn't hungry.
Oh.
Giles? Giles, have you started packing? There's no more Spider-Men until you're done.
- Giles, did you hear me? - [WIND WHOOSHES.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Giles? Oh, my God.
Giles! [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER.]
And do you have any idea where he might have gone? Well, of course I bloody don't.
That's why I called you.
Well, where does your son like to hang out? I don't know.
He's at boarding school most of the year.
What about calling one of his friends? I don't know any of his friends.
Oh, God.
I'm a terrible mother.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Yes, this is she.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh, thank God.
Sorry, he's where? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Fatima! - Kash.
[LAUGHS.]
- So nice to meet you.
- We can shake hands.
- Great.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
I haven't been on a date in a shopping center since I was 15.
Oh, yeah, well, I find it's the best place to size up a guy.
You know, better to see him under the fluorescents right away, so Oh, right.
[LAUGHS.]
- I recognize that voice from the phone.
- Mm-hmm.
[BOTH SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Yeah, this is my nani.
She's, uh, my chaperone.
Is yours running late? - Yes.
- FATIMA: Yes? Yes, uh, he should be here soon.
Let me just check in with him.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- [KEYS TAPPING.]
One aloo tikki and two Punjabi samosas, please.
- Thanks for your help.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- Oh.
- - Yo.
- [KEYS TAPPING.]
[LAUGHS, SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Shit, lady, I gotta go.
- DUFFY: Maya! - Hey.
Whoo.
Hey, have you heard my good news? Oh, thank God you got that mole removed.
- Everyone was worried.
- What? No, my mole's fine.
Why does everybody keep saying that? [GRUNTS.]
They're gonna publish my story in The New Yorker.
[GASPS.]
Duffy, that's incredible.
- Oh, I am so happy for you.
- Thank you.
I promise I will read it once I finish with this endless pile of work.
No worries.
What are you working on? I'm prepping for Sunday.
We're meeting with 240 of Andrew's constituents.
Interestingly enough, 240 is also their median age.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Sunday's Quentin's funeral.
Are you not gonna go? I can't.
I have to work.
- And you can't get out of it? - No.
I I just got this job.
I'm not asking for time off.
Yeah.
You know, because if it was about your mom or something and you wanted to talk about it It's not about my mom, and I don't want to talk about it.
- Right.
- Okay.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
KASH: These are for you.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [BOTH SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, your your friend seems to really be hitting it off with my grandmother.
Yeah, Basheer's a sucker for a good goat story.
[LAUGHS.]
So I I read your profile.
You're a a banker.
Hey, um, before we get into this, I feel like I should put my cards on the table.
- Oh, um, okay.
- I am a banker, but I hate it, and I've always wanted to be an actor.
Also, you should know that I, um, recently broke up with my fiancée and left her at the altar.
Oh, my God.
I'm I'm shocked.
Sorry if that's a deal-breaker.
No, no, no, no.
I'm shocked that you think anyone in Hounslow didn't hear about your wedding imploding.
[LAUGHS.]
Every auntie is using it as an example of the [FOREIGN ACCENT.]
Dangers of dating outside the faith.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
- So you're fine with all that? - Yes.
I'm sorry it didn't work out with your fiancé and you hate your job.
Welcome to being an adult.
You think I have trouble sleeping at night because I'm so excited to do accounting in the morning? But I do it because it pays for my Froyo addiction.
I guess you could call that accounting for taste.
Eww, no.
Wordplay? - No, don't do that again.
- KASH: [LAUGHS.]
Too much? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Fatima.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[STAMMERS.]
No, this is my natural height.
I'm 5 tell her I'm 5'11".
- Don't look at me like that.
- Get them off.
- I'm not wearing lifts.
- Off.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hi, can I help you with anything? Yes, I'm looking for my son.
Well, lucky for you, we have one of those in stock.
- Size small, is it? - Oh.
Oh, Giles.
Oh, I was so scared.
Never run away like that again.
I'm sorry, Mum.
I didn't want to make you cry, but I had to get a new Chelsea shirt.
And you had to do that tonight? I was worried sick.
I'd be worried too if my son supported Chelsea.
Look, can you leave us alone? I've had quite enough of your "up" energy.
Granddad threw out my Chelsea shirt.
I wanted to wear one to the funeral.
Oh, I'm sorry, darling, but that's just not appropriate for a funeral.
And Granny already bought you that nice suit.
But Chelsea was Dad's favorite team.
Everything at the funeral sounds so boring.
Dad hated boring things.
I thought if I wore this, there'd at least be one thing he liked at his funeral.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[KEYS TAPPING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Ah, Kashif.
How was your date? It was actually really great.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
Fatima's one of the coolest girls I've met in a long time.
- I just wanted to thank you.
- Well, that's wonderful.
I I'll call her parents immediately.
Hang on, "call her parents"? Well, the first meeting went well, so now I set up a meeting for your father to talk to her parents to see if the families like each other.
Why are we doing that now? I only went on one walk with her don't even know if we like the same TV.
Better to find out now than to have your families fighting in the buffet line at the wedding.
"Wedding"? Already? No, I already had a wedding.
It went really badly.
I wouldn't know.
I wasn't invited.
You know what, now that I think about it, I'm not really interested in a second date.
- Thanks anyway.
- [STAMMERS.]
[SIGHS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking? Maya, to whom? Sorry, uh, this is Ms.
Walpole.
- Ms.
Conners.
- Oh, uh, yes, Ms.
Conners.
She has a problem with her landlord.
- Are we sure? - Yes, absolutely.
So, Ms.
Conners, I'm not sure we can prosecute your landlord for being a peeping Tom if you answer the door in the nude.
Why not? I can take it from here.
Yeah.
Someone's off their game today.
Are you gonna tell Andrew? - Try and get me fired again? - Of course not, no.
Oh, but, uh, on the off chance he does fire you, I have highlighted some opportunities in the classifieds I thought you might be interested in.
Uh, apparently, Big Mama's Shrimp Dump is hiring.
I thought you'd be a perfect fit.
[WHISPERING.]
What is your problem? You.
I want my whole salary back, okay? I've been eating bruised steaks from the damaged food aisle.
I I washed my clothes in a stream, okay? I I'm on first-name terms with the people at the sperm bank.
Duffy? What are you doing here? Look, I was on my way to the funeral and something was bugging me, and I just had to ask.
What? Have you not been to a funeral since your mom's? I mean, is that why you're not coming today? No, I told you.
I am working.
Okay.
But, you know, you bailed on your grandma's funeral too, and even I was there.
I was the only white guy in the church, and all my clapping was on the one and the three.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm totally off base.
You're not.
Yeah.
My mom's funeral was the worst day of my life.
And I wish I could go today, but I can't.
[STAMMERS.]
It would just make me too sad.
But maybe it's okay to feel sad about your mom.
And if you wanna go today and think about her, I'll be there, and I'll think about her too.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, I'll go.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
Thank you, Duffy.
Yeah.
I just need to run home and change.
Great.
I'll see you there? - Yeah.
- DUFFY: Okay.
[SIGHS.]
- Marcus - I heard.
Go.
I'll cover for you.
Really? You're not gonna sell me out? I don't know, mate.
Your funeral may just be your funeral.
I guess you'll just have to trust me.
[SIGHS.]
[HORSE NEIGHS.]
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Is this good? - Yeah.
Just save some room for Maya.
Are you sure she's really coming? Yeah, we can't be saving seats.
This is prime pew real estate right behind the kids, clear sidelines.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- Yeah, she'll be here.
Oh, sorry, guys.
I I gotta make a call.
- - [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[LINE RINGING.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- [SCOFFS.]
Hey, is everything okay? Uh, better than okay.
A CCTV camera fell on my leg yesterday, so I'm getting a pretty good check from the government coming my way.
Okay, well, I'm at a funeral right now, so what's up? - Can you tell me where Zara is? - No, Craig.
I'm wanting to tell you, but I can't legalities and all that.
But if you do want to see Zara again, make sure you're home tonight at 8:00.
8:00? Why? What's happening then? All will be revealed, Craig.
All will be revealed.
[LINE BEEPS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
This was the only seat.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, that's fine.
SIDNEY: Please stand.
"Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight where ignorant armies clash by night.
The ship did rock and lightning cracked and all the men afeared.
But Captain Thorpe stood rigidly with ice flakes in his beard.
The ship's great hull and captain's hopes were dashed upon the rocks.
Thorpe ne'er shall see his home again.
He moors at heaven's docks.
" [WHISPERING.]
Mum, it's your turn.
Good luck.
[SWEET, NOSTALGIC MUSIC.]
I'd like to thank the Thorpe-Bloods for sharing so many of their family traditions.
And while I'm supposed to introduce the bagpiper, I thought I would, instead, talk a little bit about Quentin and me and our little family.
But first, a costume change.
[INDISTINCT MUTTERING.]
[HOPEFUL MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
If you all look under your pews, you'll find shirts of your own to put on.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Let me tell you about something Quentin loved.
Chelsea Football Club.
Nothing made him happier or angrier.
I would leave notes for the neighbors on match days pre-apologizing for the fireworks he would shoot off our roof when they won, or for the volume of his profanity when they lost.
[LAUGHTER.]
I used to dread the racket he'd make.
But the next time Chelsea play I'm afraid I'm gonna miss the sound of him yelling, "Is the ref blind, or is his head just up his own ass?" [LAUGHTER.]
Quentin also loved music.
So instead of playing the family hymn which Quentin hated, by the way I've asked the quartet to play a different song Quentin's favorite, The Winner Takes It All.
[BAND PLAYING ABBA'S THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL.]
I remember on our very first date, this song came on the radio and he turned to me and said, "I think ABBA were way better than the bloody Beatles.
" [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know yet all the things I will miss about my husband But I think the thing I will miss the most are the parts of me that he brought out.
And that's what I wish for all of you that you find someone who makes you a better version of you than you would ever be on your own, who you'd be utterly lost without.
So before we leave, I'd like to raise a glass to Quentin, and make a toast in a way my husband would have loved.
Well, he loved any toast.
Let's be honest.
The man was a medium-functioning drunk.
[LAUGHTER.]
[GLASSES CLINKING.]
To Quentin Thorpe-Bloode, a man as exciting as a Chelsea match, as enchanting as an ABBA song And as intoxicating as a bottle of scotch.
We'll miss you, you handsome old bastard.
Oh, and I believe Giles had one last message he'd like to deliver on behalf of his father.
Arsenal sucks! [LAUGHTER.]
And, everyone? ALL: Arsenal sucks! [BARKS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[SWEET, NOSTALGIC MUSIC.]
[INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF JOHN NEWTON'S AMAZING GRACE.]
[SOFT INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Ah, well, that was quite the spectacle, but I'm sure my son would have appreciated it.
He always loved the things that made me angry.
Well, Giles looks in good spirits, at least.
Is he all packed and ready for boarding school? Actually, Giles isn't going back to Cragscross on Monday.
But he'll miss the midterm Loch Ness Swim.
Well, that would be a shame.
When do you imagine he will return? Never, actually.
Giles is staying in London with me.
Well, you are a grieving widow, so I'll forgive this lapse in judgment.
What Giles really needs What Giles needs is to be with his mother.
Dear girl, are you quite sure you can handle raising a child on your own? You never even learned how to change a nappy.
Well, luckily, Giles is potty-trained.
And you're right, though.
I don't know how to be a mum.
But I don't want to be at Giles's 18th birthday and realize I'm watching a stranger blow out the candles.
But I've just donated a bloody language lab to Cragscross whatever that means.
I think you're making a dreadful mistake.
Well, fortunately, your son taught me not to care what other people think.
Giles is staying with me.
[SWEET, MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Between we girls, Quentin hated Cragscross.
[SNIFFS.]
I always had to bribe him with chocolate Hobnobs to get him to go back.
[WHISPERING.]
And he'll roll over, and then he's gonna do two paws, and then - [BRIEFCASE LOCKS SNAPPING.]
- Where's Maya gone? Job finally broken her? [SIGHS.]
If only, sir.
[LAUGHS.]
No, um, unfortunately, she had a funeral to attend.
And we believe her? Sure she's not celebrating one of America's million holidays? Columbus Day, Thanksgiving every time someone crosses the ocean, you get a day off.
[LAUGHS.]
Quite absurd, sir.
But, I I'm afraid she does have a funeral.
Hmm, very well.
- Hello again.
- MAYA: Hey.
[FIREWORKS CRACKLING.]
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
Oh, fireworks.
[UPBEAT ACOUSTIC GUITAR.]
Wow.
They're beautiful.
Yeah, but they can blow your fingers off.
Wow.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
KASH: Sorry for intruding, Imam.
I just wanted to see if you've already contacted Fatima.
Believe it or not, letting down young women isn't at the top of my priority list.
- I haven't.
- Brilliant.
I've changed my mind.
I do want to see her again.
I just don't want to rush things.
I am pleased.
Take a seat.
Yes, I enjoyed spending time with Fatima.
But do I want to marry her? It was only one date.
And am I ready for our parents to meet? - I'm not sure - Okay, Prince Hamlet.
Just go out again.
We don't have to introduce the families yet.
Really? It's that simple? Yes.
It's not my job to trick young people into lifelong commitments.
I'm not T-Mobile.
[STAMMERS.]
That's such a relief.
- Thank you, Imam.
- Relief? You know what else would be a relief? To see you at prayers tomorrow morning, Kashif.
Okay, I'll see you at 8:00.
5:00.
I said morning prayers.
Ah, 5:00.
Brilliant.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
ZARA: Hi, I'm here! Zara? [BOTTLE CLATTERS.]
Zara! [LAUGHS.]
[PEPPY POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
ZARA: Hi, boys! That wallet looks nice.
Let me go slip off my fur.
[GIGGLES.]
CHRIS: Oy, she is gorgeous.
[LAUGHS.]
Now that is a proper fit girl.
GARRETT: I wouldn't mind cracking onto her, mate.
ZARA: My name's Zara and I'm 28.
I'm a Virgo by birth, Gemini by choice, and I'm looking for love.
My heart was recently broken by my ex, who was a lying dickhead who kept secrets from me, so now I'm hoping to find a nice boy I can trust.
And if I learn to snowshoe in the process, all the better! Oh, hello there.
My name's Zara, like the store.
CHRIS: My name's Chris, like Christmas, but without the center bit.
ZARA: I'm obsessed with Christmas! [ZARA AND CHRIS LAUGH.]
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[RAIN PATTERING SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
Careful, Giles.
Careful, slow down.
In you get.
[SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Are you okay not going back to Cragscross? You'll probably miss it.
I won't.
The geography books are from 50 years ago.
I had to do a report about the USSR.
[RAIN PATTERING SOFTLY.]
I'd rather be here with you, Mum.
Uh, I was wondering, Giles, where do you like to hang out? At the arcade around the corner.
The manager lets me test out the new games.
And who's your best friend? That would be Niall.
And what's Niall like? He's so funny.
He's the manager of the arcade.
He just turned 39.
Okay, got it.
Gonna need to do a background check on Niall.
[HARVEY BARKING.]
Hey, Harvey.
Can Harvey sleep in my bed tonight, please, Mum? GEMMA: Yes, of course, dear.
Now, who are your other friends? GILES: Uh, there's Martin the grocer and Louie the shoeshine.
GEMMA: Oh, dear.
[SWEET, SWEEPING MUSIC.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[MELLOW ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
Duffy? Oh, my God, come in.
English rain is dangerous.
Haven't you read Pride and Prejudice? I just broke up with Tabby.
What? Why? You know, I thought I could just make myself love her if I committed to it, but it wasn't there.
And I know that this is probably a horrible time to be bringing this up, and I'm not expecting anything back at all.
I just, uh I'm in love with you, Maya.
I've loved you since the first time I saw you freshman year, and today at the funeral, I was thinking to myself, "What if I died and I never got a chance to tell you how I feel?" I would regret it for the rest of my life.
And I know that I would be dead and all that, but I just I just didn't want to go another day without telling you how I felt.
So here I am.
Duffy, I You don't have to say anything, and I I just wanted to get it off my chest.
[ENERGETIC MUSIC.]
We've gotta hold our grief Oh 'Cause your past is your past Oh, babe, you've gotta hold me I'm trying to figure you out As you're staring straight back at me And you tell me you don't like your father 'Cause he would never let you be And now you standing beside the window You're covered in the light from the stream And I say that it gets cold here in winter Do you want my coat? You'll freeze Then you said, I need nothing From nobody I can see it on your face, you're hurting Grab a hold of me Ooh Oh Oh MAN: Go to bed.