Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

Lights, Camera, Wedding

1 ZARA: Previously on Four Weddings and a Funeral I I want to give it a try.
Just to be clear, you're talking boyfriend and girlfriend, right? [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
Craig, what is he doing here? This was a mistake.
I should go.
Kash is my friend.
AINSLEY: You have known Kash for a couple of years.
I have been one of your best friends since college.
This is a total betrayal.
Will you marry me? No.
I can't marry you, Craig.
I just don't wanna mess this up.
There's nothing to mess up.
GEMMA: You do know you can do better than Maya, don't you? Hi, Craig.
I still think about when we first met.
[MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC.]
SINGER: Play along I'll be so wrong So long, it's free I could stay A thousand light-years Away from here DUFFY: Maya! Hey, over here.
Oh, Gemma's there.
She wanted to tell me something.
It's fine.
Hi.
What? I mean, you've got lipstick on your teeth, but I didn't want to tell you that.
MAYA: So do you know why we're here? What's Craig's big announcement? Christ, I hope it's not that he's getting his blues band back together.
[GLASS TAPPING.]
It was awful.
- Awful.
- FRIEND: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please? Surprise! Zara's back! [ALL SCREAMING.]
And we're getting married! [LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
I'm blinded.
Blinded! That is the biggest rock I've ever seen.
- Is it real? - Yeah.
Have you bitten it? So how did this happen? Well, when Craig surprised me on Love Chalet, I wasn't ready to forgive him.
I was still really hurting, you know? So I convinced myself that Garrett was the one.
GARRETT: Convinced me too.
- Good actress, this one.
- Yeah.
ZARA: But it wasn't until Garrett proposed that I realized my heart belonged to another.
ALL: Aww.
Who? Craig.
[MUTTERS.]
You've got a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love Your kind of love, your kind of love - [POP MUSIC.]
- SINGER: Ooh, yeah, yeah ZARA: We're getting married in a real palace.
Queen Elizabeth I grew up there, and they used it in a toilet paper commercial.
- Oh, wow.
- [SQUEALS.]
[LAUGHS.]
And the best part of it is Love Chalet is paying for it! No! The best part is, our wedding is gonna be on TV! - No! - Oh, my God.
- We're gonna be famous! - I know! - [LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.]
- I'm gonna call my mum.
Oh, my God.
Such a beautiful night [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
You know, minus the dampness and the cold.
Yeah, I might go inside, actually.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm freezing.
Want my coat? MAYA: Cool, yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Duffy.
[EXHALES.]
Ooh, but I'm keeping all these loose Skittles in your pocket.
- No take-backs.
- Okay, yeah.
Sorry about that.
[LAUGHS.]
CRAIG: Hey! How's my best man doing? What? I'm your best man? They wanted to stunt cast it with Damon Wayans Jr.
, but I said no.
It's gotta be my man, Duffy.
Oh, my God, Craig.
Thank you.
- Eh, love you, brother.
- Of course, yeah.
You know, I, uh, invited Ainsley tonight.
You think she'll show? I don't think so.
She's still pretty upset.
[GASPS.]
Oh, Maya, I'm sorry you can't be a bridesmaid.
You're too pretty.
Pippa situation.
It it's okay.
But I've got a feeling you're gonna be the star of your own big day soon enough.
[LAUGHTER.]
[FORCED LAUGH.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
KASH: Hey.
Oh, look who it is.
Muhammad Ali.
- [LAUGHS.]
- How's the hand? Uh, pretty good.
I punched, like, six more guys on the way here.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- Can I get you a drink? Uh, yeah, sure.
I'll have a Nope, let me guess.
American girls are always like [AMERICAN ACCENT.]
Vodka soda, splash of cranberry.
Uh, no, no.
I would never order that.
I only drink, um Kahlúa and tomato juice.
- Really? - Yep.
So if I order that, you'll drink it? Yeah, go for it.
Make it a pitcher.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Listen.
At the hospital - Don't.
- I don't wanna - No, you're right.
Sorry.
It's just, I don't know the next time I'll get to see you, and obviously, there's something between us Kash, stop it.
You just don't wanna admit it because you're scared.
I'm scared? Coming from the runaway groom who secretly wants to be an actor.
Tell me you don't think about me too, and then I'll move on and never talk about this again.
MAYA: Of course I think about you.
I don't.
You should move on.
You're all I can think about.
- I wish that I didn't.
- SINGER: We sit in the silence [CAR HONKS.]
I keep telling myself to forget you.
But for some reason, I can't.
I wish things weren't so complicated.
We haven't even had the chance to explore what this could be.
But I can't keep lying awake every night thinking about this person I can never be with.
I have to let you go.
I write this letter knowing I will never send it but needing to admit the truth, even if it's just to myself.
You will always be the one that got away.
Love, Maya.
[SIGHS.]
SINGER: Do we know - OFFICER: Hey! - Ugh.
- You again? - God.
Just 'cause we don't have the death penalty doesn't mean you can do whatever you please.
Yeah, sorry.
Three more times, I'm giving you a warning.
What? They're back together? Yeah, and Love Chalet wants to host their wedding.
Zara said she wants, like, 15 bridesmaids in clear dresses I don't know but she wants to arrive in a pumpkin carriage You know, I don't need all the tacky details of a wedding I'm not even gonna go to.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- MAYA: Hi.
- DUFFY: Hey.
I didn't know you were coming over.
Yeah, um, can we talk? So, things have been kinda weird between us lately, right? Like, I'm not imagining this? I don't know.
Weird like what? Well, the other night at the club, you just kinda left me, and then yesterday, when Zara made that joke about us being married, you stopped breathing for two whole minutes.
It just took me by surprise.
I mean, we've been dating for a few weeks.
Look, um, you know, we're great as friends.
And if we're not on the same page, um, we could always just be friends.
Wait, you wanna break up? No.
No, no, no.
I'm not saying that.
I But if you're not that into this, then yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, uh, if that's how you feel, let's just be friends.
Yeah, okay, cool.
Cool.
KASH: Please.
They're low-glycemic pakoras for Dad's diabetes.
I'd rather lose a leg than eat this crap.
HAROON: Kashif, you must know why Imam Iqbal is here.
You and Fatima have been seeing each other for a month.
I should have met her parents by now.
[SIGHS.]
Doesn't that seem a little fast? Even Marks & Spencer has a 90-day return policy.
IMAM IQBAL: Fatima is not a polo shirt, bacha.
It's time the families sat down and talked about next steps.
I can't get a reputation for facilitating sinful relations.
Sinful relations? We haven't even held hands.
Kash, you like Fatima, don't you? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
She's smart.
She's beautiful.
She hates the same celebrities I do.
- It's the whole package, really.
- Well, then I don't want to pressure you, beta, especially after your last public humiliation.
But I would really like to hold my grandchildren before I die, but no pressure.
Dude, Fatima's out of your league.
What's the problem? Okay, let's do it.
Let's meet the parents.
[CHUCKLES.]
CRAIG: Babe, the venue can only hold 200 people.
You have over 300 on your list.
What am I supposed to do, Craig? They're all special to me every one of them.
Really? Who's Penny Jackson? My third cousin by marriage on my mother's side.
We're very close.
I haven't seen her in 20 years.
Okay, well, uh, I mean, I guess I can take some people off my list.
But there's only 30 names.
Well, I guess I'm not as popular as you.
What's wrong? Craig? There's so many people I wanna come to wedding that won't be there.
- You mean your daughter? - Yeah.
Maybe she could be a flower girl better than my bitch niece.
No, I promised Julia I wouldn't contact her.
I know it's hard, but be patient.
I bet when Molly gets married in ten years, you'll be there.
Ten years? She's only five.
Well, she doesn't have a dad.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
And what about Ainsley? Maybe you should try calling her again.
I have a dozen times.
I don't know what more I can do.
[TAPPING ON GLASS.]
Did you pick centerpieces yet? I liked the feathered ones, although I am concerned about how many peacocks will have to die.
No, we've moved on to the guest list, which, by the way, Ainsley's not coming, so you can bring a plus one.
Mate, I'm sorry.
That's my fault, which makes this somewhat awkward to ask.
Could I have a plus three? Fatima can only come if we bring our chaperones.
Don't think so.
Sorry, Kash.
We're at capacity.
Zara, your hairdresser's hairdresser's coming.
It's fine.
Thanks, man.
AINSLEY: Um, hi.
MAYA: Hi.
Why did Duffy post a picture of Sylvia Plath and then write "mood" underneath? Oh, yeah.
We kinda broke up.
What? You broke up? What happened? Nothing.
It just didn't work out.
Uh-huh.
So who's the other guy? - What? - Come on.
You always stay in relationships way longer than you should unless there's someone else, so spill it, bitch.
There's no other guy.
Duffy dumped me.
Why would he dump you? He can't be gay he dresses too bad.
It was my fault.
I think he could tell I wasn't feeling it, and so he tried to let me off the hook.
Even the way he broke up with me was nice.
Oh.
- I feel terrible.
- Don't.
And you can't force yourself to feel something you don't feel.
There was always something missing.
You know, that spark? Like, you don't have to talk about it.
You just feel it every time you're together.
I don't think I've felt that way since eight grade when Tommy Greeley felt me up in the janitor's closet.
But I know what you mean.
Maybe you should think about getting back out there.
- Ugh.
You mean, like, dating? - Yeah.
I am so not ready for that.
It doesn't have to be something serious; just, you know, a hookup.
Do you know how hot a guy would have to be for me to sleep with him right now? Like, a shirtless Hemsworth could show up at our front door and I'd be like, "Eh, I'm good.
" [SMACKS LIPS.]
I'm just saying.
I hear you watching Outlander at night.
The Scottish landscapes are beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
- [GLASS THUNKS.]
[WHISPERS.]
We share a wall.
BASHEER: [LAUGHS.]
Yo, that is the best film I've ever seen in my life.
KASH: You say that about every film.
BASHEER: Yes, and I'm always right.
Have you ever considered film, or are you more like a stage actor? Bruv, I'm a banker with a headshot.
So why don't you go on auditions? 'Cause I have a full-time job.
I'm providing for my whole family.
Bruv, this is a side hustle economy.
Look at me.
I own a mobile phone shop.
I'm a DJ.
I sell these dope bracelets on Etsy.
100% rat leather, innit? Bruv, you've just got to find an acting gig that fits with your Goldman schedule.
Yeah, it doesn't exist.
Trust me.
I've been looking at casting calls for the past few weeks.
Every audition and rehearsal takes place during the day when I'm at work.
It's not gonna happen for me.
Come with me.
- What? Where're you going? - Come with me.
- I'ma show you.
Boom.
- - - This is a play for kids.
Yeah, that's why it's perfect, bruv.
Kids got to go to school, so you can do rehearsals on nights and weekends.
I meant more like a proper play at a proper theater; not the place we did Oliver Twist when we were ten.
Listen, yeah? Everybody's got to start somewhere, bruv, all right? 'Fore she became famous, Cardi B was a stripper.
So was Channing Tatum.
Wait, should you strip? What? Bruv.
Kash? Kashif Khan, is it really you? Mrs.
Ali? I can't believe you remember me.
Well, of course I remember you.
You were such a good little actor.
Do you remember me? Basheer.
I was Orphan number four, and I had lice.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- Do you still run the theater? Yes.
I'm directing The Sound of Music this year.
Yo, have you got a role for Kash in that? What? [LAUGHING.]
No, no.
I don't think you need a random adult.
Well, actually, would you want to play Captain Von Trapp? What, seriously? [LAUGHS.]
Well, otherwise, it'll be me with a mustache.
But this is a much better idea.
You think about it.
I'm in.
[EXHALES.]
TEACHER: The tango is a game of seduction.
Your bodies need to move together as one, okay? And five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four.
Five, six, seven.
Okay, you know what? I can't do this.
I quit.
[STAMMERS.]
I just can't do it.
I can't Craig, we're performing a wedding dance on national television in less than two months' time.
Move together as one with me, or I'll kick your ass.
[KAISER CHIEFS' RECORD COLLECTION .]
SINGER: I'm a God enlightened, cleaned up Heightened reenactment of your day - Bryce, nice to see you.
- Hey.
I was just working on some ideas for your place.
Ooh, I'm glad to hear it.
Right now, the only décor I have's a a dead plant and a stack of pizza boxes.
SINGER: Uh-huh, abracadabra - - Whispered in our car Will I be receiving a draft of this speech anytime soon, or shall I bequeath it to my next-of-kin in my will? Sorry, sir.
I was just finishing up.
No, she wasn't, sir.
She was wistfully gazing at Facebook.
- BASHEER: I don't get it.
- KASH: What now? I don't get this whole thing.
This Von Trapp guy, yeah? KASH: Yeah.
Says he's in the navy, but he lives in Austria.
- So what? - Austria is landlocked.
I remember that from geography.
Bruv, it's based on a true story, okay? Will you just help me learn the lines? This is it.
Months of practice have led to this moment.
Let's do this, babe.
TEACHER: [GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, honey, I'm TEACHER: Somehow, you've gotten worse.
Is it possible you could both have some kind of degenerative neurological disorder? What are we gonna do, Craig? AINSLEY: Duffy.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- AINSLEY: Hey.
- Hey.
AINSLEY: Where have you been? You keep missing game night.
Yeah, I've just been really busy teaching, writing.
Got really into using my slow cooker until campus security took it away.
It's okay to not wanna see your ex for a minute.
[LAUGHS.]
She's still at work, by the way.
Yeah, I was kinda hoping that.
She has my blazer, and I really need it.
Oh, okay.
Come on.
You know, I need the blazer 'cause I'm going to a rehearsal dinner for an upcoming wedding for a certain African-American guy who works in finance.
Name rhymes with egg I know this weekend is Craig's wedding, okay? - No, I haven't changed my mind.
- Come on, Ains.
It's Craig, the guy who pretended to be one of Beyoncé's backup dancers so you could get backstage.
Well, even if I wanted to go, I can't.
I have a big job that night.
Ainsley, you're not gonna get another chance to see Craig get married unless you watch it on TV or stream it live on the Love Chalet app.
Here.
Take the blazer and go.
Ainsley, come on.
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
"I wish I could've told you how I really felt.
Of course I still have feelings for you, but I know that being together would jeopardize one of the most important friendships of my life.
" Oh, God.
She's still in love with me.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
DUFFY: "I write this letter knowing I will never send it, but needing to admit the truth, even if it's just to myself.
You will always be the one that got away.
Love, Maya.
" I don't know, man.
Are you sure it's for you? She didn't write, "Dear Duffy.
" She didn't write "Dear Anyone.
" It's a poetic rumination.
God, Craig, you are so literal.
The poor thing's been wearing my jacket, writing letters, trying to get over me.
And why did you break up with her again? Because I'm an idiot, all right? I only floated the idea that maybe we would end things because I thought she was gonna dump me first.
Classic "quit before you get fired.
" We've all done it.
Yeah, but Maya wasn't pulling away.
She was just afraid of how intense her feelings were getting.
"I've never felt like this before with anyone, and yes, it scares me.
" God, why can't I just accept that I am cool and awesome, and women want to be with me? So are you gonna talk to her or not? I don't know, man.
I mean, it says right here she didn't mean for me to read this.
So I don't know what to do.
Well, I think when it comes to love, you gotta go big or go home.
That's what I did with Zara, and now I'm marrying my best friend.
Do these pants make my dick look too big? When Kash was young, I worried he would never find a nice Muslim girl.
He was always staring at his poster of Xena: Warrior Princess.
KASH: Okay, Dad, I think that's enough embarrassing stories for one night.
Well, it's getting late.
Thank you, Haroon Bhai, for a wonderful meal.
You've raised a fine lad.
It was our pleasure.
We must do this again soon.
That wasn't so bad.
Okay, great, so, same again tomorrow night? - Oh, no, God, please, no.
- BOTH: [LAUGHS.]
HAROON: I'm happy you love pakoras.
[LAUGHS.]
FATIMA: Bye, Uncle.
Thank you.
HAROON: Bye-bye.
Well, I think that went pretty well, don't you? You were perfect, beta.
That family's loaded! The mum left her shoes in the hall.
Red bottoms, baby! Cha-ching! Fatima is a good girl from a fine family.
This is a great match.
Yeah, I think so too.
So, we've met the parents.
What's next? [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
SINGERS: I can feel it, I can feel it Getting better, getting better And to know the way you see it Just remember it's forever Holding on - Hi.
Thank you.
- BOUNCER: Have a good night.
SINGER: Holding on [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Duffy, hi.
I feel like I haven't seen you in a long time.
Yeah, I've been really sorry about that.
- You look great.
- Oh, yeah? You like? Yeah, I love.
I know.
I'm really sorry, but I have to go back to the hotel.
- You forgot the rings? - I forgot the rings.
- MAYA: [LAUGHS.]
- But I will see you later.
Yeah, well, save a dance for me later, okay? Definitely.
Hey, make sure you line the edges up.
[GROANS.]
Can't believe you're making us work on a Saturday night.
In my culture, it's a very important party night.
BRYCE: Hey, not bad.
Oh, yeah, and you didn't think I could do it.
Well, I didn't see why you'd want to.
Figured you had something better to do on a Saturday night than put up wallpaper.
Fine.
You can leave.
Laters.
AINSLEY: Oh [LAUGHS.]
Wow.
You are extra.
[LAUGHS.]
Have fun.
Make good choices.
I won't! Excuse me.
[MELLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, uh, vodka soda, splash of cranberry.
I know you.
How do I know you? What were you a contestant on Wet Date? Oh, no, uh, we met at Craig and Zara's engagement party.
- I'm Maya.
- Right.
Yeah, Garrett.
Hi.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Look, I I don't know if you read the tabloids, but, um, I've actually recovered from my bronzer poisoning now.
- Oh, great.
- GARRETT: [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Great.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
- Hi.
- KASH: Hi.
- How have you been? - Good.
Really good, actually.
You'll be pleased to know I've been cast in a play.
[GASPS.]
No way.
Kash, that's great.
[GASPS.]
What's the play? Sound of Music.
It's community theater.
It's nothing fancy.
Still, you're doing it.
Well, I think I'm the only person in the show who can legally drink, so the cast party may not be great.
- [LAUGHS.]
- KASH: But, yeah.
I'm doing it.
I have you to thank for that.
What did I do? You basically called me a coward for not pursuing my dream.
Yeah, right.
Um I'm sorry about that.
[LAUGHS.]
No, it's fine.
I needed a kick up the ass.
Thank you.
FATIMA: Kash, oh, my gosh, this wedding is bonkers.
[LAUGHS.]
There's an ice sculpture shaped like Cupid pointing his arrow at an ice sculpture shaped like Craig and Zara, and they're all naked.
Full naked, bruv.
Hey, nice to see you, Maya.
Sorry if I'm looking around.
My mini quiche radar is up.
The guy's avoiding me 'cause he said I took too many.
[LAUGHS.]
It's good to see you too.
- Hi, I'm Maya.
- Hi.
- MAYA: Are you here with Bash? - Um, no.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, actually, Fatima's here with me.
- Oh, sorry, my mistake.
- Oh, it's okay.
Um, Bash and my grandmother are here as our chaperones.
Them the rules for arranged marriages, so Uh-huh.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
BASHEER: Hey, yo, where's your date tonight, Maya? Oh, I'm I don't have one.
I'm flying solo tonight.
[LAUGHS.]
[SPEAKING URDU.]
[LAUGHS.]
SINGER: Until our hearts are barely beating I'm gonna stay Right where we are Until we're old And barely breathing Till death do us part Till death do us part And only love can be this honest I swear that I'll never Go too far Darling, it's true For you, I promise Till death do us part Till death do us part [WHISPERS.]
I'm so nervous.
Don't be.
You got this.
[INHALES, EXHALES.]
Craig, I vow to love you more each day.
Every second with you is a gift, and by the time I'm done unwrapping it, oh, look, another gift of another second.
[LAUGHS.]
In summary [INHALES, EXHALES.]
You are my everything.
DIRECTOR: Cut! - ALL: [GROAN.]
- WOMAN: Come on! Oh, God.
This is intolerable.
I'm sorry, love.
Your tears are ruining your makeup.
Now, remember to mention Hotels.
com in your vows and the meaningful part that their Stay Ten Nights, Get One Free rewards program has played in your love story.
Okay, going again.
From the top.
All right, everyone, from the top.
Reset, and action.
[WHISPERS.]
So nervous.
Don't be.
You got this.
BRYCE: It's getting pretty late.
You know you can finish this up next week.
Oh, I don't mind.
All my friends are at Craig's wedding anyway, so might as well get some work done.
- Wait, Craig's wedding's tonight? - Mm-hmm.
And now, if I series record Love Chalet, do I get it, or is this a special? I don't know, and I don't care.
Come on, for the last two months, that's all you've talked about is this wedding.
Obviously, you care.
Yeah, I care about the fact that I got stabbed in the back - by one of my best friends.
- Bullshit.
That's not why you're mad.
- Excuse me? - If you were only mad at Craig who was just hanging out with your ex, you'd be over it by now.
The real reason you're pissed is he's getting a wedding, and you didn't.
No, that is so superficial.
That would make me a terrible, selfish person.
BRYCE: Well, no more than me.
I sunk the boat I named after my wife.
Now I gotta fish off the dock.
Do you think I should've gone? I don't know.
If somebody matters to you, you show up for them, especially on the most important day of their life.
Oh, my God.
What am I doing? I'm not going to Craig's wedding because I'm jealous? Boat ain't sunk yet.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
MAYA: [SIGHS.]
Hey.
So this is my life now.
I've been relegated to the sad singles table.
What do you mean? Hey! MAYA: Oh, wow.
Oh, God.
I've been at the American table, the black table, the ex-girlfriend table, but never the spinster table.
Spinster? How dare you.
I'm a widow.
Oh, my God, Gemma, I am so sorry.
It must be really hard to be here without Quentin.
It is.
And Quentin never cared much for weddings, but we did like to make fun of the other guests, like that man over there.
Quentin would've said, "Who wore it better? - Him or Beetlejuice?" - [LAUGHS.]
I miss the old bastard.
So what's a lovely bird like you doing at a singles table? My husband died.
Right.
Just just carry on, then.
Will you excuse me for a moment? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
DUFFY: Tonight is about love and second chances for Craig and Zara, and for me.
Maya, will you please come up here? - GEMMA: Duffy? - Oh, God, Gemma.
What on Earth are you doing? Just practicing my best man speech.
I wouldn't worry too much.
I heard the maid of honor's toast.
It's just a dirty limerick.
Yeah, well, mine is a little bit more than a toast.
Um I'm gonna tell Maya that I love her and I want her back in front of everyone.
- Go big or go home.
- Oh, you should go home.
No, no, no.
This is actually a great idea.
Um, I found a secret love letter that Maya wrote me.
I don't believe that.
No offense.
Why does nobody believe that someone could love me, 'kay, 'cause she did and she does.
Look.
- Okay, well, give me that.
- No, Gemma, Gemma Get off get off.
This isn't for you.
Okay, I know it doesn't say "Dear Duffy.
" - It's a poetic rumination - No, no, no.
I mean, look at this bit.
It says she wants to run her fingers through his dark hair.
I mean, your hair is, like, dirty blond.
That's because it's been lightened by the British sun.
"I wish things weren't so complicated.
" What's complicated? You're two friends who dated for five seconds and had an amicable breakup.
I'm sorry.
I think you're seeing what you want to see.
No, you don't know what you're talking about.
Who else would she be writing love letters to? [NIKKI FLORES' ACROSS THE SKY.]
ALL: Aww.
SINGER: Smoking hot to the eighth degree [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
SINGER: You light me up inside And make me come alive You know you hit me like, like, like Good evening.
Welcome to Craig and Zara's wedding, sponsored by Hotels.
com.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
We now invite our bride and groom up for their first dance.
Hit it, Captain Obvious.
[TANGO MUSIC PLAYS.]
Whoo! [SMOOCHES.]
[WHISTLING.]
Oh, oh, oh, man! I think I I think I pulled something, you know, doing that big move, you know what I mean? Y'all enjoy that? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah, y'all like that? Shots on me, all right? Shots on me! Come on, baby.
I need you over here.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, yo, listen.
This is the best cake I'd ever tasted my whole life, you understand? I always thought if I do get married, I'd do a sundae bar, but not anymore, mate.
FATIMA: What do you mean, "if" you ever get married? You're, like, the most eligible bachelor in Hounslow.
Yeah, right.
You're just trying to butter me up 'cause you want my cake.
Let's do this.
You wanna try it? You try it.
Go on, now, go on.
- BASHEER: What happened? - FATIMA: It's good, it's good.
I'll be right back.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh-oh, another American trying to marry into the royal family.
Nah, they've already hit their diversity quota.
Sorry if that was a bit weird earlier.
Oh, not at all.
Your girlfriend seems really nice.
How long have you guys been together? I'm not sure exactly.
Not too long about three months? Three months? - Hm? - [SPEAKING URDU.]
Why? [SPEAKING URDU.]
- [SNORES.]
- Can you stop? Dancing and that.
Yep.
Hey, listen, I don't suppose that you wanna dance with me? Probably not.
Um, yes.
- Huh? - Yes, actually.
[LAUGHING.]
I would love to.
- Yeah? Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
SINGER: I don't know what it is That makes me love you so Oh, my gosh, okay.
I I love this song.
You sung this at your year eight talent contest, right? Um, yes.
How what um - Oh, can I? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- How did wait, how did you know that? Nani told me.
[LAUGHS.]
She did also say that Sherena Patel beat you 'cause she was doing some next provocative dance - with Genie in a Bottle? [LAUGHS.]
- She did.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't I can't believe you wasted brain space remembering that.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, and then what else did, uh, Nani tell you about me? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- [BOTH CHATTERING.]
Okay, all right, so, there was this one thing, yeah? - Yes? - She said you got busted for smoking a cheeky cigarette behind the bike shed at school.
Is that right? And you told your dad - you were holding it for someone else.
- [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, well yeah, but it didn't work 'cause I was grounded for, like, a year.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Mad.
Well, listen.
You was a little rebel back in the day.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, well [INHALES DEEPLY.]
That was a long time ago.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Now I am a proper adult, you know, with a pension.
Okay, yeah.
I mean, it's good.
Just, sometimes I wonder if I've grown up to be a bit of a bore.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you crazy, girl? Stop.
Give mine a spin.
Come, let's do this.
You speak four languages.
You love cheesy horror movies.
Bloody hell, you dominate at darts.
Real talk.
You're one of the sickest people I know.
- Can we two step, 'cause I don't like - Yep, let's do it.
SINGER: I only wanna be with you This is yep, can we do this? Very hot.
So that night at the hospital when you said you still think about the first time we met, you were with her? No yes, but we'd only just started hanging out.
And at Craig's engagement party, when you said there was something between us? There is something between us.
But you can't say shit like that when you're with somebody else.
Things only recently got serious with Fatima, and that's because you shut me down.
You said you didn't have any feelings for me.
Of course I have feelings for you.
I have since the first time we met.
What? Why didn't you say anything? Because I can't keep doing this.
I can't keep choosing to be with the wrong guy: My married boss, my my best friend's ex.
I just I don't wanna be the person that hurts everyone around her to get what she wants.
I don't either.
But every time I see you I know.
SINGER: I only wanna be with you [GLASSES CLINKING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, save it for the honeymoon.
Speaking of which, our viewers have voted.
Craig, Zara, you'll be spending ten days in beautiful Antarctica.
- Aww.
- [LAUGHS.]
Now for my favorite part of this evening the toasts.
Everyone, give it up for the best man.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
CRAIG: All right, whoo! D-U-F-F! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hello, hi.
Uh [SIGHS.]
It's, um, amazing when you can find love in your best friend.
Wait! - Ainsley, Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
Hey, no, I'll just take two seconds.
Thank you.
Sorry.
H hi.
H hi.
Hi.
I'm Ainsley.
Uh, I'm one of Craig's friends from college.
I wasn't planning on coming tonight, obviously, but, um, there's something I have to say.
[SIGHS.]
A few months ago, I was supposed to have a wedding.
I was supposed to have all of this.
Well, maybe not the ice sculptures, or the liberal use of giant self-portraits, but the point is, my wedding didn't happen.
And I was afraid that if I came here tonight, I would have to relive that.
But then someone told me that you show up for the people who matter the most to you.
And over the course of our friendship, Craig has shown up for me a million times.
He helped me when I was gonna lose my business.
He came to pick me up in Burundi when I bailed on the Peace Corps.
He will literally go to the ends of the Earth for the people he loves.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
Craig, our friendship has survived your skater boy phase, my Twilight obsession, the month I managed your blues band - Oh, shit.
- AINSLEY: [LAUGHS.]
And a move across the Atlantic.
I know it will survive this too.
I love you very, very much.
And I wish you and Zara a lifetime of happiness.
Mm.
Come here.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
BOTH: [MOUTHING WORDS.]
I'm so glad you're here.
Me too.
Okay, sorry, uh, enough about me.
Um, Duffy is our funniest friend, so get ready for the greatest best man speech ever! Take it away! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
GEMMA: Ainsley, that was lovely.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
So, yeah, it is amazing when you can find love with your best friend like Craig and Zara.
And, um Oh [MOUTHING WORDS.]
Yeah, so, uh, I'm just gonna open it up to questions now, so [INHALES, SOFTLY.]
Oh, God.
Okay, yeah, um - [WHISPERS.]
I'm so sorry.
- [MOUTHING WORDS.]
Uh Yeah, so just give it up to Craig and Zara.
I'm so glad that it worked out for you two.
[SOFTLY.]
Oh, God.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Right, best man was a disaster, so we'll cut him in post.
Moving on! We're back in five, everyone.
[DAFT PUNK'S GET LUCKY PLAYING.]
SINGER: Come too far to give up Hey, I'm heading out.
Thanks for having me.
Aww, you're the only person who's said good-bye.
Most of my friends have gone to hospital with alcohol poisoning.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Ainsley.
Hey.
Really good to see you.
Well, I had to come.
I wanted to know what the end of a wedding looks like.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
SINGER: We're up all night to get some We're up all night for good fun We're up all night to get lucky [DAFT PUNK'S GET LUCKY CONTINUES, MUFFLED.]
That's how you smoke? You look like Sandy from Grease.
Are you okay? You're right about the letter.
Maya's in love with somebody else.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Who is it? [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Doesn't matter.
[DREAMY POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
SINGER: Your thoughts escape me Don't tell me when It's time to close my Eyes I don't believe in love [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Uh, shot of tequila, please.
Nice overalls.
Did you have to valet a tractor? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.
I look like a Beverly Hillbilly, but I don't care 'cause I'm having a great time.
GARRETT: Uh, well, good for you.
Um [SMACKS LIPS.]
I'm not.
I, uh I struck out with every girl here.
Oh [SNORTS.]
And I've just spilled wine on myself.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me.
[SNORTS.]
- [GLASS CLUNKS.]
- Hey, you wanna get out of here? - Fine.
- AINSLEY: [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, I'll go.
Jeez, way to kick a guy when he's down.
No, I mean, do you wanna come back to my place? For sex, Garrett.
Shake a leg before I change my mind.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Okay, thank you two for a sick night.
- Take care, man.
- BASHEER: See you, my brother.
FATIMA: Bye.
Can I just say 'fore I go, yeah, these past few months being your chaperone it's been a pleasure, you know? Imagine all the fun we're gonna have on your honeymoon and that, mm? [LAUGHS.]
Take care, bruv.
BASHEER: See you later, my brother.
- BASHEER: And Fati? - Yeah? Killer moves on the dance floor, you know? Oh, yeah.
I had a really good night too.
You was busting them moves! I'm very impressed.
- Be safe, yeah? - [CAR DOOR SLAMS.]
Right.
Let's get you two home.
Fatima? You okay? Uh, um You know what? Um, I'm - I'm sorry.
- What? What's wrong? Um, I really I really I don't want to hurt you or, um, your father, or Asif, who added me on Instagram already, but I don't think this is going to work.
What do you mean? I thought things were going well.
- We were having fun.
- Yes, we do.
Um, I've [CLEARS THROAT.]
I've enjoyed all our time together, um, but it's, um, not because of you per se.
[STAMMERS.]
To be honest, you can be quite moody sometimes, and, um, and you're always complaining about your job, which I agree sounds it sounds terribly boring, but sometimes I find myself zoning out when, um, when you talk.
Oh, okay.
Um, tonight, I, uh, I well, I realized that the, um, the real reason I look forward to our dates is because I know I'll get to see Bash.
I [CLEARS THROAT.]
I think I have feelings for Bash.
Oh.
MAYA: Hey.
Dude, what happened with your toast? - That was rough.
- What happened? You know, I had this whole romantic speech planned out about love and second chances, and at the end, I was gonna ask you to get back together with me.
But then I realized that I'm an idiot because you're in love with Kash.
- What are you talking about? - Don't deny it, Maya.
I found your letter.
- It is not what you think.
- Yeah, you know what? I don't care.
I'm done for good this time.
Duffy, nothing happened.
Please don't tell anyone.
Yeah, I would never hurt Ainsley like that.
Duffy.
Duffy! [ETHEREAL POP MUSIC.]