Frasier s05e08 Episode Script

Half-caf latte, please.
- I like this new system.
It's lively.
- What can I get for you? I'll have a double short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
- Double short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
- Double short, non-fat, low-foam latte.
I think there was a problem.
The middle person reversed part of it.
She said double short, non-fat, low-foam latte.
- Double short, non-fat, low-foam latte.
- Double short, non-fat, low-foam latte.
No, you did it again.
That's not what I want.
You can just tell her yourself.
A double short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
Double short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
- Nutmeg? - Nutmeg? No, thanks.
It inflames my stomach lining.
Inflames his stomach lining.
Stop that.
- Hello, Niles.
- Welcome back.
I trust you and Samantha had a pleasant weekend? It was fabulous.
We stayed at this gorgeous cabin just outside Aspen, took a chopper every day up the mountain.
I didn't want it to end.
Is that why you're still wearing that jacket in an overheated cafe? In Aspen we all wear them indoors.
The funniest thing happened.
Jack Nicholson and Tom Brokaw were wearing the same jacket, so they staged a fight.
Donna Karan flew in to referee.
I laughed so hard I nearly spilled my toddy on someone named Boof Daddy.
Can I get anything else? A dustpan and broom to sweep up some of these names.
Cappuccino, please.
- Niles, did we have plans for tonight? - Yes, why? It's my one-month anniversary with Sam.
I'd like to take her to L'Escalier.
I understand.
One month is a milestone.
Thanks for the reminder.
I need to change my water filter.
They put nutmeg on this.
Meg Ryan told me about the practical joke Tony Hopkins played on Jodie at the wrap party for Lambs.
My stomach lining is just not going to get a break today, is it? - Sorry I was late.
- That's all right.
I ordered us the "Taste of Monaco" dinner.
Good choice.
That's what you ordered on our first date.
Of course, it wasn't food you were craving that night.
You whisked me away back to my place before the crab cakes could even arrive.
There's no better way to celebrate an anniversary than with an historical re-enactment.
I've got my costume on underneath.
I'm really looking forward to those crab cakes.
Great.
Well, yes, I suppose we should try the food here once.
But leave some room.
You'll find a Frasier mint on your pillow later.
By the way, thanks again for this weekend.
You're welcome.
I think it was a turning point for us.
Well, for me.
See, I was so relaxed.
I'm usually very tentative.
I have this dark fear that I'm about to be cut loose.
- Frasier? - I'm just being so insecure.
It's nice to know I'm on solid ground.
- Frasier - I'm standing on quicksand, aren't l? I didn't want to talk about this until later.
It's It's just not working out between the two of us.
No, it's not you.
It's me.
I just don't feel the same way about us anymore.
But things were going so well.
What happened? Nothing happened.
We've had a wonderful time together.
It's just run its course.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
- I hope we can still be friends.
- Yes, I'd like that, too.
Seeing as how we're friends and all, there's no reason we shouldn't enjoy what's sure to be a splendid meal.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
OK.
- Your first course.
- Thank you.
- How many more courses are there? - Six, sir.
Could you bring those all at once? Good Lord.
Look at this headline.
"Martin Crane Dead".
You don't need much coffee after that.
- Handsome fellow.
- Yeah.
Multi-millionaire.
Decorated war hero.
Wrote a spy novel.
"Survived by his wife Florence, a former Miss Washington and two sons, Joe, a Marine Corps colonel, and professional baseball player Mickey Crane".
Nothing like starting the day off jealous of a dead guy.
- Hello, all.
- Morning, Dr Crane.
- You were up and out early today.
- I felt like taking a walk.
Got a lot on my mind.
Picked up some pastries.
Whatever it is, you'll cheer up when you see these photos from your ski weekend.
I admit, I took a peek.
I must say, this Sam ofyours is quite a catch.
She's gorgeous, smart, stylish - We broke up last night.
- Orange juice, anyone? - I'm sorry to hear that.
- It was a mutual decision.
A little more mutual on her part than mine.
Once she dumped me, I jumped right on board.
- Anyway, I'll be fine, Dad.
- Just put it all behind you.
Exactly.
I must admit, I'm having a little difficulty achieving closure.
Sam said that herfeelings changed for no reason.
I think it might have been something specific about me.
- Don't make this your fault.
- She's probably telling the truth.
If she's trying to spare your feelings, it'll be "It's not you, it's me".
- That's exactly what she said.
- Waffles, anyone? You always look for explanations but sometimes there isn't one.
I know, Dad.
It's going to drive me crazy.
Until I know why it ended, I'll assume it was any number of things.
- My self-confidence will be shattered.
- You got two choices.
You can spend days trying to figure it out.
Or you can make a clean break, never talk to her again, and get on with your life.
That's exactly what I should do.
Thank you.
- No problem.
- Sometimes you're very insightful.
I've been around the block a few times.
- So when are you going to talk to her? - Right after my waffles.
Sam! What are the chances? You've found my thinking place.
Frasier, listen, I'm ten minutes late for a deposition.
- We can walk and talk.
- All right.
I love our new arrangement.
This being friends thing's going to work out great.
Could you pick up the pace a little? - How have you been? - I just saw you last night.
Now that you bring up last night You do walk fast.
I was hoping for a little clarification.
This has nothing to do with you.
Yes, but it seems highly unlikely that such a sudden change could have nothing to do with me.
Maybe itwas something that I did unintentionally.
I'm not sure.
Sorry.
My fault.
Something this weekend maybe? I played the piano too long, but who knew General Schwarzkopf loved show tunes? All right.
There's nothing I'm not telling you.
Sometimes things just end.
Please try not to take it so personally.
- All right.
- Look, I really am late.
I'll talk to you soon, OK? Take care.
What's the matter with you? That's just it.
I don't know.
Where is Frasier? He knows we have reservations at Bavetta's.
Ifyou're late, they make you sit in the kitchen with the owner's mother.
What did I do with that remote? Daph, are you sure you haven't seen it? - Positive.
- They ought to make one with a sensor.
Or for a deaf person, they could make one with purple smoke coming out of it Iike some kind of flare system or something.
Please! You've got to get out of the house more.
Hello, all.
Niles, what a pleasant surprise.
Just what Mama Bavetta will say when we pull up a chair.
Dinner.
I completely forgot.
I took a long walk after work.
I'm sorry, Niles.
It must have slipped my mind.
You're still consumed with the Sam situation? - Trying to figure out what happened.
- The relationship ended.
- There's got to be a reason.
- You're fixated.
I am not.
That is fixated.
Dad, what are you doing? This is stupid.
Maybe if I stick together about ten chopsticks, put a rubber tip on the end for gripping.
- Hello.
- Be ready in a sec, Roz.
- The movie doesn't start till eight.
- I forgot you two had plans.
I was wondering No, I don't know why Sam broke up with you.
Just like I didn't know two hours ago.
Just like Gil, Bulldog and Miss Judyfrom the Arts and Crafts Hour didn't know.
Never hurts to ask.
Miss Judy had some real insights before she had to make her Popsicle stick run.
- I'm going to watch the game at Duke's.
- Wait.
I'd like to ask a favour.
In the spirit of self-improvement, I'd like you to tell me in your own words what about me you find unlovable.
Please, honestly, for the sake of my future relationships.
I know you're afraid to hurt my feelings, but I can stand a little constructive criticism.
Tell me, what do you think are my main faults? Let's start with this.
You analyse everything to death.
Sam said it wasn't your fault, but you keep digging around until you drive everybody nuts.
Dad thinks I am over-analytical.
That's great.
OK, who's next? Niles? I'm not sure how useful this exercise is.
- You're going to participate.
- Pushy.
Yes, if that's what it takes to Oh, thank you.
Daphne, it's your turn.
Don't be shy.
Well, if I had to choose, I'd say you are a bit of a fussbudget.
Ifyou don't mind this substitution, "demanding" is more le motjuste.
- Pretentious.
- Right.
Now see, this is very good.
Roz? - You're a little full of yourself.
- Great.
OK.
Pompous.
And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
- Tad loquacious.
- Pretentious.
- Dad, I already wrote that down.
- Underline it.
- Snippy.
- Sarcastic.
- Bossy.
- Huffy.
- Vain.
- That's a good one.
How nice.
We finally found an activity we can all enjoy together.
Why don't you admit what you're doing? This isn't a "help me be a better person" thing.
You're trying to win Sam back.
- That's preposterous.
- Look who you're talking to.
I've been down this road so many times they call it the Roz Expressway.
I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.
Maybe there is some truth in what you say.
I mean, after all, Sam is really quite a catch.
Why wouldn't I want to get her back? But you shouldn't change yourself just to please her.
It's not healthy, and it doesn't work.
If it did, Steve Wilson would be my husband and not just some name tattooed on my butt.
The best thing you can do is nothing.
Let her think about what she's missing.
I totally agree.
No candy.
No flowers.
And whatever you do, don't call.
Nothing wrong with keeping the lines of communication open.
- You called, didn't you? - I left a carefully worded message.
You never call.
It makes you look desperate.
I didn't have any choice.
She wouldn't return any of my pages.
- I've blown it, haven't l? - What did you say on your message? Nothing undignified.
Of course, tone ofvoice is everything.
I should play them for you.
- You have her access code? - Yes, I set it up with her.
I gave her an easy to remember code.
My birthday.
What's so easy about May 7th? I wouldn't know, Dad.
My birthday's in March.
That's right.
The 7th.
That's Eddie's.
Here we go.
All right, now, listen and tell me ifyou think I sound desperate.
Hi, Sam.
Two quick things: dinner at L'Escalieris now at 8.
30 and the judge needs to see you at nine tomorrow morning, not ten.
Bye.
- Not desperate, feminine.
- Shut up, Niles.
Hello, Sam.
It's Frasier.
Give me a call ifyou get a chance.
Bye.
You don't sound desperate at all.
Hi, Sam.
I'll be at the office.
Call me.
It's Frasier.
Maybe just a whiff of desperation.
Hi, I'm at the office now.
Still at the office.
I stepped out to the coffee machine.
Thought I might have missed you.
How quickly a whiff becomes a stench.
They just get worse after that.
- There's more? - Yes, not any more, though.
- There.
Messages erased.
- Your messages weren't the only ones.
What about the one about the meeting with the judge? - You're right.
- What are you going to do about it? I could call saying I erased that message while erasing messages I left earlier.
- With her secret access code.
- Oh, God, this is humiliating.
I hate to appear unsupportive, but I've got to get to Duke's for the game.
- And we'll be late for that movie.
- Wait.
I forgot my purse.
Don't worry about it, Frasier.
You'll be fine.
You'll bounce back.
- You're tough.
- And resourceful.
- Resilient.
- Optimistic.
- Tenacious.
- Conceited.
Different list, Daph.
See you all.
Hard to believe this picture was taken only three days ago.
Look at us.
How happy I was.
Now I'll never see her again.
Aren't you over-dramatising? You're bound to run into her.
No, I was talking about me and Lesley Stahl.
Looking at these photos, I can't help noticing there are very few ofyou and Sam together.
- What are you getting at? - I'm just wondering how much - you really feel for this woman.
- I haven't felt this way in ages.
I'm sorry.
Guess I was wrong.
It's love then.
I don't know about love.
I mean, we've only been seeing each other for a month.
But you could fall in love with her.
Possibly.
- Sometime down the line.
- Yes.
Perhaps.
Well, no wonder you're heartbroken.
You've just lost the only woman you could even possibly, sometime down the line, perhaps fall in love with.
I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one.
So I don't rhapsodise about her.
You did rhapsodise when she tookyou to Cigare Volant and you were seated in a secret VlP room we never knew existed.
Are you suggesting I'm so shallow I was with her for her connections? Let's face it, you've always had a yearning to run with the cool kids, and it's never worked out for you.
Your one day on the football team.
The summer you bought a motorcycle.
Although It's only a moped ifyou pedal it, and I never pedalled.
I just wonder ifwhat you're mourning isn't so much the loss of Sam as the loss of her celebrity lifestyle.
I must admit things never did seem quite right between us.
If it hadn't been for her friends, l probably would've broken it off myself.
- Shame on me.
- Don't punish yourself, Frasier.
At least you're deep enough to realise you're shallow.
- Dinner? - Let's.
Although I've still got to phone her about that message.
Why don't we stop by L'Escalier on our way? You can tell her in person.
Even better.
Niles, I can't tell you how helpful this has been.
How can I ever repay you? You can get me into that VlP room at Cigare Volant.
Where is the entrance? Behind the cigarette machine? No, that's just a decoy.
It's through the dry-cleaner next door.
- Hello, Sam.
- Frasier.
- I know you didn't expect to see me.
- No.
Of course, after those messages, I can't say I'm surprised.
You heard them? I checked my machine.
Frasier, we really need to talk.
No, we don't.
I promise you, I will never call you again.
I've thought about it and you made the right decision.
- No, I didn't.
- Excuse me? Please, sit down.
I was going to call you later anyway.
You see, I think I figured out what happened between the two of us.
I panicked.
I was starting to really care about you, thought we might have a future even and, well, it scared me.
But the way you've pursued me, showing up at the courthouse, and leaving all of those messages.
Well, and now you're here.
Obviously you feel just as strongly as I do.
It's funny really.
Both of us falling in love and not realising the other felt the same way.
We should be laughing.
Listen, Sam No.
I'm going to tell you what we'll be doing this weekend.
We are taking the Concorde to London for a party at Alec Guinness' place.
Well, I'm not so sure Sir Alec Guinness? I know it's a long way to go, but Stephen is going to be there and he'll play some songs from the new one.
I don't know if Stephen Sondheim? - Guess who's singing with him.
- No, please, don't tell me.
Please.
Frasier, what is it? You seem upset.
Sam, I can't see you anymore.
What? You're an incredible woman, but I've come to a realisation about us.
Well, about me.
And I just don't see any future for us.
I know it sounds strange after the way I was pursuing you, but I've been in it for all the wrong reasons.
- Like what? - I'm not very proud of this but maybe I was a little dazzled by the circle you travel in.
So you were with me just so you could be around some famous people? - I was fond ofyou as well.
- Fond of me? Thank you very much.
I understand you're upset and I'm going to go.
I don't believe this.
My friends.
Look, I know it's shallow and it's something I'm going to have to work on.
- Hi, Sam.
How are you? - Lesley.
Hello.
It's Frasier Crane.
We met this weekend.
- How are you? - What kind of sick bastard are you? You're right.
We're having a bit of a spat, but of course I don't need to tell you being the ace reporter that you are.
Just get out of here right now.
- Maybe we could have lunch.
- Get out.
What's the matter with me? Lesley