Frasier s05e09 Episode Script

Perspectives on Christmas

-Holidays'll dothattoyou.
This has beentheworstChristmas ever.
Itall started yesterday.
The only part about Christmas I don't like is how quickly it's all over.
Come December 26th, it's all just a memory, with nothing but your light decorating touch to remind us.
Afternoon, all.
That's awfully dangerous, Daphne, standing under that mistletoe.
That's enough eggnog, Niles.
The oddest thing just happened.
I was walking past that church on Chestnut, and Eddie assumed we were going inside.
He did the same thing with me yesterday.
- Any idea why he'd do that, Mr Crane? - He's always doing weird things.
Yesterday we were taking our bath together and he spent 15 minutes pushing the soap around with his nose like an otter.
If he gets anyweirder, we'll have to send Eddie to a home.
I'm off.
I have all my Christmas shopping to do.
- All of it? - I'm not going to settle this year.
I want my gifts to be remembered and cherished.
Nothing is cherished quite so much as the gift of laughter.
You'll have to buy that Highway Patrol bloopers tape yourself.
You can't drink that that way.
The first mistake in eggnog preparation is failing to garnish it properly with a dash of nutmeg.
There we are.
The second mistake is placing the paprika next to the nutmeg on the spice shelf.
- Mr Crane, are you all right? - Yes, we're fine, Daphne.
I'm fine.
Frasier, before you go, can I talk to you for a minute? - Sure.
What is it? - What Daphne was talking about, there is a reason Eddie knows that church.
I've been taking him there.
I guess the family that bathes together prays together.
There's this priest, Father Curtis.
He got to know Eddie in the park and wanted to use him for the Christmas pageant.
Next thing I know, he's roped me in to play a shepherd.
Then Dutch gets bronchitis and I get promoted to a wise man.
Is there a point to this story looming somewhere on the horizon? As a wise man, I have to sing a song but this song's a killer.
I'm going to humiliate myself.
- You just need a rehearsal.
- You think that'd help? Sure.
You're a good singer.
We'll start around eight? I am a good singer.
Remember those old family picnics when I used to belt out What's New, Pussycat? We'll start around seven then.
Niles, hold the elevator.
Boys, this is that song I was telling you about.
O Holy Night.
- Do you know it? - Of course.
It's a classic.
It all builds to that one glorious note.
Yes, that's the note I can't hit.
I practise it and Eddie ends up burying his head under the pillow.
We'll get you there.
I want it finished before Daphne gets back.
If she knows about this, she'll come to the pageant and I'm nervous enough as it is.
Let's just see what we have to work with.
Why don't you start here? And I want to hear you really attack the note.
Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.
Shut up! This bozo upstairs, he bangs on the floor every time I start to sing.
Ignore him.
There is another vocal exercise I remember.
It was useful to me when I was singing Colonel Fairfax in Yeoman ofthe Guard.
You distract yourselfwith a physical exercise, thus freeing the voice.
You hit one note, then you slide up the octave as you descend slowly into a crouched position.
You see, it works.
That's very interesting.
I wonder if the reverse is true.
Try it, Dad.
No, I'm afraid with three of us doing it, it might look stupid.
Your problem may be psychological.
No, you're convinced you can't hit this note.
I convinced the guy upstairs, too.
Niles may be right.
You need reinforcement.
Try it again.
Try to eliminate any negative thoughts.
All right, let's go.
All right here, Niles.
"Fall on your knees", OK? You've got it, Dad.
I hear sweet music.
Something's divine.
A star is born.
Bring it home now.
Shut up.
- Your shoulders are awfully tight.
- It's been a stressful few days.
- I'd be happy to listen.
- Oh, no.
Well, it started yesterday.
I had something on my mind.
Lucky for me, Dr Crane's brother was over.
He's always been such a good friend to me.
- Afternoon, all.
- Hello, Daphne.
That's awfully dangerous standing under that mistletoe.
- A piece could fall into your eye.
- Let me freshen your drink.
Thank you, Dr Crane.
The oddest thing just happened.
I was walking Eddie past that church on Chestnut and Eddie assumed we were going inside.
He did the same thing yesterday when I was walking him.
Any idea why he'd to do that, Mr Crane? Nope.
Dogs are weird.
- That worries me a bit.
- What does? I think your father's been going there.
I had an uncle who did the same thing.
He had no interest in church, then he started going every day.
He had some bad news from his doctor.
He didn't even last a year.
Well, first of all, I can see you're upset, so come here.
Thank you, Dr Crane.
You're always so supportive.
You're worrying over nothing.
If my father even had a hangnail, he'd let everyone know about it.
Maybe I've just got myselfworked up remembering my Uncle John.
Just saying his name gets you upset.
Come here.
You need a hug.
Mr Crane, are you all right? We're fine, Daphne.
See? Nothing to worry about.
Well, I have got to run.
Hold the elevator, Niles.
We'll see you soon, Daphne.
Dad? Don't worry.
Niles and I will be there for you.
- What's that about? - Oh, never mind.
I've got to go lie down.
Mr Crane, did you call Dr Stewart for the results ofyour physical? Yeah, a couple of days ago.
I'm fine.
Come on, Eddie.
- Is everything all right? - Yeah.
It's just all over so fast.
That convinced me I was right.
And the next 24 hours were a living hell.
The worst came the next day.
I'm terrified about this, Father.
All this came around so sudden.
I'm not prepared.
Tell me again what I'm supposed to say when I see Jesus the first time.
All right.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, I'll see you soon.
Hi, Daphne.
I'm so excited about the gift I just got for you.
- Great.
- Why don't you open it now? To tell you the truth, I don't have much time.
I'm kind of on my way out.
Wait, OK, all right.
I'll open it now.
Sure, sure.
Don't want to get you upset.
You must be really excited about this.
It's that sweater.
The one I pointed out to you in the window.
It's great.
I can die a happy man now.
What's the matter? Are you all right? Mr Crane, I know why you've been going down to that church.
You're not supposed to know about that.
But why is it making you so upset? I care about you.
You were going to let this happen without telling a soul? I don't want people staring at me in that church, stiff as a board, all that make-up on my face.
So how much time have you got? About 20 minutes.
- 20 minutes? - Yeah.
Will I be glad when it's over.
This is the last Christmas pageant I'm signing up for.
- You're in a Christmas pageant? - Yeah.
What'd you think? - I thought you were dying.
- What? You just got your test results back, you're at the church all the time.
- Why are you laughing? - That's funny.
- I don't think it's so bloody funny.
- Are you kidding? - I'm dying.
- You will be.
- Daphne, don't do that.
- Don't you tell me what to do.
What kind of house were you brought up in anyway for God's sake? You can talk about it ifyou like.
I'm not ready just yet.
I can't tell you how good that feels.
I don't think I've ever had a massage like this before.
Well, I'm glad.
As long as you're so relaxed, maybe I should give you your Christmas present right now.
Ow! You woke me up.
I guess this ankle's a bit tender.
Yours would be, too, ifyou'd had the day I had.
I'd gone out to do some shopping.
Then I arrived at Frasier's building.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to crowd you.
This is a brand-new, hand-tailored ltalian suit.
It's difficult to get sap out of silk.
Another reason we didn't need this tree.
This thing's a fire hazard.
They make a chemical now that you can use to fireproof a tree.
It causes cancer.
Happy holidays, then.
- What just happened? - I think the elevator stopped.
I'm sure we'll get it going in a moment.
We've probably got about 20 minutes of oxygen.
- Sir, you're going to alarm everyone.
- I work in an ER.
Perhaps you can instruct us on how to stay cool in a crisis.
I was on duty when the elevator cable snapped at the Bing building.
They brought those people in on cookie sheets.
Hello? Is anyone there? Yeah, who is it? We're stuck in one ofyour elevators.
The doors won't open and we're stuck.
- Where are you calling from, sir? - Elliott Bay Towers.
It could be an hour and a half before anybody gets there.
My children are alone upstairs in the apartment.
Haven't got a gas oven up there, have you? If somebody climbed through the trap door on top ofyour car, there's a manual release switch up there that would open up your doors.
- Somebody's got to go up there.
- That's a pretty small opening.
I have more confidence in your wife than you do.
I'll give you a leg up.
It has to be you.
- How do I get up there? - Climb up the tree.
Oh, come on.
Surely you climbed trees when you were a boy.
That's Dr Crane's brother.
I suppose in times of crisis, someone must be a hero.
Today that man is Niles Crane.
Tomorrow, it will be my dry-cleaner, Mr Li.
Grab his feet and we'll push him through.
Not so fast.
Not to worry.
I have landed in a nice soft puddle of grease.
I just have to find the release switch.
Bear with me.
- Quick.
- Did that do anything? People? Lady with my coat? Where did you all go? Oh, my God.
We're going up! Someone stop this thing! - Why is that man crawling? - That's Dr Crane's brother.
I was shaken by what I had done.
But I had composed myself as I arrived at Frasier's.
It was some time later before I was able to say what had happened.
I have no idea what you use to get elevator grease out of silk.
Brown suede seems to be leeching it out nicely.
Anyway, no Christmas is complete without a bit of tumult.
But now we can all relax and enjoy a lovely holiday evening together.
Merry Christmas! - You sure you want to hear about this? - Why not? OK.
I've been feeling depressed because I'm putting on all this weight.
I'm pregnant.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Roz.
- That's a nice suit.
- Thank you.
It's brand-new.
And since you'll be ordering food, I will go rather than risk getting it stained.
Is that some kind of crack about how much I eat? Absolutely not.
It's a crack about your table manners.
I should go.
I've got a couple of hours before the pageant.
- And I need the time to rehearse.
- Come tomorrow, it'll all be a memory.
But even after it's over, I still have to make peace with the man upstairs.
Are you sure we have to do this charity thing this afternoon? Come on, Roz, it's just an hour out of your life.
You'll make an adorable Mrs Claus.
Why? Because now I've gotten so fat? Hello.
Why, yes, Mrs Doyle, yes, she is.
Just a moment.
They forwarded her from the office.
Hello, Mom? Yes, I got your message.
Yep, I'm picking you up at the airport, 10am.
Looking forward to seeing you, too.
- Let me say Merry Christmas.
- Hang on, Mom.
Mrs Doyle.
Hi, happy holidays.
Just a word to the wise.
Roz has put on quite a few pregnancy pounds of late and she's really sensitive about it.
I would be careful what you say to her, all right? Bye-bye.
We'll see you soon.
I'll meet you over there.
I still have gifts to get.
I still have all of mine to get.
No matter how hard I try, I can't seem find anything that seems right this year.
It's really sweet how you're trying so hard to make all your gifts special.
I'm sorry I've been so cranky.
I'm just nervous about my mom coming.
I'm dreading the big conversation where I finally tell her I'm pregnant.
- You haven't told her yet? - No.
It's just not the type ofthing you blurt out over the phone.
I'll let you get that.
I'll see you over there.
Hello? Yes, I had a feeling you might call back.
I was beginning to worry about you.
I'm on the verge of a complete breakdown.
Shopping was a disaster.
When I went to slip into this darling costume, my pants split.
And I can't stop thinking about my mom.
How am I going to tell her? - lfyou'd like, I can tell her for you.
- She'll be mad I waited three months.
It'd be worse hearing it from someone else.
- It's possible she already knows.
- No way.
The only person who knows she's spoken to is you.
Oh, my God.
Who's first? I'm going to kill you.
- You're going to kill Santa? - No, Mrs Claus just wants to kiss me.
Yeah, I'll kiss you.
Come here.
I'll kiss you good.
Here, run along.
Are you insane? Roz, you tell your mother everything.
How was I supposed to know? Hi, Santa.
I want a pony for Christmas.
You got it.
Now beat it.
- Can't we talk about this later? - No.
Hi, Santa.
Oh, my God, what are you, 20? Get out of here.
Try to stay calm.
No, I will not stay calm, because I am not calm.
I am completely freaked.
I am pregnant, and you told my crazy mother, and I'm too fat to even be Mrs Santa.
And I hate this holiday.
Mrs Claus was up very late last night.
I still had to stop by Frasier's.
I had to give him his champagne glasses.
Merry Christmas! Roz, don't go.
I'm sorry about what happened, but it was a mistake.
- You can't stay mad at me.
- I have to face my mother tomorrow.
We can talk about that.
Come on in.
Please, come in.
How would it look if I turned a pregnant lady out on Christmas Eve when there's so much room here at the inn? Niles, Daphne, Roz is here.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Come on, people.
Let's liven things up a little.
It's Christmas Eve.
What are the Cranes known for if not their legendary holiday spirit? I hate singing, and I hate Christmas, and I'm going to bed.
Dad, what happened? I went into my song and we come up to the high note and I think I'm going to hit it for once.
Then I see Eddie with his head buried in the Christ child's cradle.
He mistook the Christ child for a chewtoy and grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
So, the Virgin Mary grabs hold of one of his legs.
Eddie loves a good tug ofwar, so they're going at it.
Then Eddie goes running outwith half of Bethlehem chasing after him.
I never should have agreed to do it.
- You'd have saved me grief.
- Don't start this again.
- Don't you talk to her like that.
- Let's not say something we'll regret.
- You're one to talk.
- Roz, I know it's hard to forget All right! That is enough! This is the night we celebrate peace and togetherness! I will not have that ruined! I intend to put us all in the right frame of mind by giving you all my gift.
I was determined to make my gift this year a little more meaningful, and after a great deal of effort, I believe I have.
My gift does not come from some fancy store, all wrapped in glittery paper.
My gift comes from my heart.
Tonight I intend to sit each one ofyou down and tell you in my own words exactly how much you mean to me.
That's it? Are you out ofyour mind? Or I could get someone over to give us all massages.
Great! I'm so tense!