Frasier s05e15 Episode Script

Room Service

Good afternoon, Betsy.
I'm listening.
Hi, Dr Crane.
My husband wants to take me on a cruise for our anniversary.
That sounds enchanting.
Except I keep having this dream where I'm in a cabin, and I see a few drops of water, it's starting to leak in.
At first it's just a trickle, then it's gushing, pouring water everywhere and there's nothing in the world that I can do to stop it.
That's a very powerful image, wouldn't you say so, Roz? Roz agrees.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Frasier Crane.
Lilith, it's me, Roz Doyle.
Yes, Frasier's fun-loving producer.
Who's apparently been having a bit too much fun Ioving.
I'd love to send one back at you, but I've got to pee.
Well, that's all the time we have for today.
This is Dr Frasier Crane wishing you a good day and good mental I'm sorry.
Someone just walked in the room and frightened me.
My ex-wife.
If you're a regular listener, you know what I'm talking about.
We'll see you Monday.
Hello, Lilith.
- Surprise.
- We're a little past that now.
What brings you to Seattle? The National Conference on Self-Psychology.
- How is Frederick? - Fine.
We have an amazing child.
Yes, we have.
- And Brian? - Fine.
I have an amazing husband.
So, did you two get the gift basket I sent you for the holidays? What did you do to her? Nothing.
I sent her a gift basket.
Fruits and festive nuts.
No, it's not the basket, you nit.
It's Brian.
He left me.
Maybe I should go.
No, everyone else knows it.
You might as well know it, too.
Brian was looking for someone a bit more feminine.
And he found him.
Stan Jablonsky, that little hussy.
Oh, Lilith I am genuinely sorry.
I didn't know where to turn but I knew somehow you would be here for me.
- So you didn't come for the conference? - No.
You shouldn't be alone tonight.
Niles and I are going to the Union Club.
Would you like to join us? Thankyou, Frasier.
I'd love to.
I don't know if I deserve your compassion, but I feel better already just holding your strong, comforting hands.
You know, I'll always be here for you.
I could stay in these arms all day.
You'll have to excuse me.
I have an appointment.
Station manager.
Very important.
Can't be broken.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye-bye.
That's rough, leaving you for another man.
- Did you have any idea? - No, none at all.
Stan was a contractor we'd hired to expand our master bedroom.
It's ironic, isn't it? No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.
- Hello, Niles.
- Frasier.
- That bun looks good.
- Remember your diet.
Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
That explains why blood was pouring from all myfaucets this morning.
Go easy on her.
Her husband has left her.
And get this for a man.
Damn.
I owe Dad five dollars.
She's devastated.
Her world's been turned upside down.
But you know better than anyone how a messy divorce can leave one strangely relaxed.
- Niles? - Yes.
- Am I boring you? - Did I do it again? I'm sorry, Frasier.
I'm suffering a bout of narcolepsy.
Good Lord.
When did this start? After we started divorce proceedings.
I checked with my doctor.
It's a reaction to stress.
My way of escaping the whole ugly mess.
Go on with what you were saying.
Lilith is distraught and she's come to me to help her make sense of it.
I find it just a bit disconcerting.
- How so? - We have a destructive pattern.
Whenever she comes to me in need, I find her vulnerability desirable.
We end up in bed and I'm left with feelings of regret.
- And you felt this way about hertoday? - Oh, baby! Well, do your best to avoid her.
- She's coming to the Union Club.
- What? She's going to be there? It's a bunch of stuffed shirts talking about their portfolios and prostates.
Exactly, and you've ruined it.
Excuse me.
Yes? Damn.
It's one of Maris' cadre of lawyers.
We've been over that.
No, I can't.
How dare you? She already has the house.
I'm not even allowed to visit the koi pond.
Niles.
I'm not even allowed to visit the koi pond.
Give me that! He will call you back.
Aren't we a pair? A narcoleptic and a weak-willed sexual obsessive.
We look like a couple of brothers out of an O'Neill play.
Come on, boy.
Daph, come down here.
I taught him a new trick.
I was reading in a movie magazine there's a stunt dog they taught to ride a motorcycle into a burning building, pick up a baby then jump out the window to safety.
What did you teach Eddie? To roll over.
You must be very proud.
Forget it, Eddie.
- Hey, Niles.
- Evening, Dad.
Daphne.
Hello, Niles.
Sherry? We have time before Lilith arrives.
- You never said she was coming here.
- You said you were going to dinner.
It's just to rendezvous.
It's all of two minutes.
You never told me.
Not a word.
Did he say anything to you? No.
We could have made plans to be elsewhere.
How come you didn't know about it? You used to know these things.
All right, she's coming.
Both ofyou, suck it up.
Lilith has had a devastating week.
Her husband has left her.
Show a little compassion, unless you'd like to hide in your rooms iftwo minutes of polite conversation with her is too much to ask.
- Out of my way.
- Me, too.
Leave it! Remember, I'm here for you ifyou feel yourself starting to weaken.
I'm fine.
Believe me, I am in complete control.
Oh, baby.
Thank you, Frasier.
I needed that.
I treated myselfto a little shopping.
Probably just a pathetic attempt to compensate for the battering my ego's taken recently.
- It's pretty transparent, huh? - No, but ifyou stand in the light Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
Ditto.
Now that we've got the pleasantries out ofthe way, let me take your wrap.
Yowsa! Lilith, that dress is stunning.
- Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen? - No.
It's from a new couture line called Encore.
Bravo.
I can almost feel the curtain rising.
Frasier.
Excuse us, we'll be right back.
Eddie will entertain you.
Hello, Eddie.
Damn her.
She knows what she's doing dressing like that.
The woman plays me like a lute.
I guess you know about that.
I've got all the resistance of a horny stag.
Niles, you've got to help me.
Niles? - Did I do it again? - With your cheek against the ice tray.
That's so strange.
I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris.
I need your help resisting Lilith.
All right, let me think.
I think I have the answer.
When you feel yourselfyielding to her, summon an image so repellentyou'll be incapable of any sexual desire.
Remember at Uncle Henry's farm we found that dead horse lying in the sun, - crawling with maggots? - Yes, of course.
Hold on to that picture.
You can ride that horse to safety.
Thank you, Niles.
That might just do the trick.
When it comes to an ugly image, you can't beat a dead horse.
Feel up to facing her again? Yes.
Let her bat her eyes all she wants to.
She can push her breasts up to Canada.
I won't budge.
Morning.
Morning.
My God.
What did we do? What did we do? - First you put your - I know what we did.
What do we do now? Let's try to stay calm.
These things happen.
They happen every day.
Every day in Arkansas.
Frasier is going to kill us.
Why did you have to look so bewitching? Why did you have to drive me home? There's no point in pointing fingers.
We both know why this happened.
Last night was two wounded people overcome with loneliness and confusion - and - Tequila shooters.
- Who's that? - Don't panic.
No one knows we're here.
- I told Frasier I was driving you home.
- Why do a stupid thing like that? It wasn't stupid at the time.
How did I know when we got in this room you'd be on me like a hawk on a titmouse? Just be quiet.
- Who is it? - Room service, ma'am.
That's right.
We ordered breakfast last night.
Good morning, ma'am.
Morning, sir.
I have eggs Benedict and eggs Florentine.
- Did you bring ketchup? - No.
I'm sorry.
- Let me get that for you right now.
- Ketchup on eggs Florentine? - Your first breakfast together? - Just get it.
Now I remember ordering this.
It's the breakfast I always have after a night of passion.
- Eggs Benedict? That's very rich.
- I only have it once a year.
- That was quick.
- Lilith, are you awake? It's Frasier.
Just a second.
- What do we do? - Hide in the bathroom.
No, not you.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Take the cart with you.
Wait.
Food in the bathroom? Lilith? Hello, Frasier.
What are you doing here? Surrendering, Lilith.
I'm yours.
- No, Frasier.
- Please don't punish me for playing hard-to-get last night.
It was everything I had to resist you.
This isn't right.
Can you saythat in bed last night you weren't thinking about me? Yes.
Drop the mask, Lilith.
We both knowwhyyou came to Seattle.
We both know why you dressed so enticingly last night.
- Is someone in your bathroom? - No.
It's a defective toilet.
It's been doing that all night.
I think I'll just go check it right now.
- Niles.
- Yes? You fell asleep and flushed the toilet.
Damn.
Is he still here? - Yes.
He wants to make love to me.
- Does the man have no scruples? He asked me last night to keep him away from you.
The minute my back is turned, he sneaks here, yes, I'm aware of the irony.
I'll just ask him to leave.
- My God.
- My goddess.
- Room service.
- Go away.
- I have your ketchup, ma'am.
- Not necessary.
- OK, but I need the bill.
- Later.
Let's just take care of this.
I'm sorry to disturb you.
Here's the ketchup.
Sorry it took so Iong.
I still need the bill.
Where's the cart? - In the bathroom.
- Why is it in the bathroom? I was going to take a hot bath while I ate.
Still, food in the bathroom.
Be right back.
Well, this is a little embarrassing.
My ex-wife.
We're sort of reconnecting.
Yes, sir, that's wonderful.
It may just work out this time.
OK.
There you go.
There's a generous, generous tip in there for you.
Thank you, ma'am.
Why don't you send up an order of eggs Benedict? No reason why she should eat alone.
OK.
Now, where were we? - This isn't a good time for this.
- Why not, Lilith? Please, we're alone.
We're here.
You need your Frasier.
- What the hell was that? - Wait! No, don't go in there.
- Niles.
- Yes? My God! - Frasier, I'm sorry.
- Frasier, it was a mistake.
Stop it, Niles.
Don't tell me how it was.
I've just got to get out of here.
Frasier, you - This is my worst nightmare.
- You have egg on your face.
- That is an understatement.
- No, actual egg.
It's in your hair, too.
- I knew you couldn't stay mad at us.
- I'm in a bathrobe, you jackass.
I can understand your shock and if I could erase last night, I would.
But ifyou could just look at this rationally, just for a moment.
We didn't technically do anything wrong.
What? You didn't do anything wrong? I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it.
You are I are no longer married.
Neither is Niles.
I won't say this is my shining hour, but we are not responsible to you or anyone else for our actions.
- You're defending what you did? - Just listen.
The past few days have been the worst of my life.
I have never been less self-assured, more in need ofvalidation, both as a person and especially as a woman.
- Niles was feeling the same thing.
- Exactly.
Wait a minute.
Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more than a desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth.
That is very impressive, Dr Sternin.
But l, too, happen to be a psychiatrist.
Let me tell you what actually transpired.
This was a passive-aggressive manifestation of your deep resentments toward me.
Niles, you were punishing me for my notoriety.
You, for my successful adjustment after our divorce.
It is this shared bond that brought the two ofyou to your palace of sweet revenge.
Allow me to rebut/ What a crock.
- It is not.
- It is so.
It's an example of your self-absorption which is why we could not stay together.
I have a right to Why am I defending myself? Ifyou ask me, you are both off the mark.
Last night was about two people ruled by very powerful superegos, tortured by them, who found a chance, however misguided, to break through and rediscover their ids together.
Call me an old softy, but that's how I see it.
OK, then.
The three of us have certainly analysed the crap out of this.
Yes, where do we all go from here? I don't know.
That's my cell phone.
It's in my jacket pocket.
Ifyou had given in to me last night instead of this morning, the three of us would not be in this hell.
No, it would be the two of us in a whole different hell.
I've been manipulated byyou jackals enough.
I'll see you in court.
The very idea that Maris still thinks she can I'm not sleeping.
That conversation should have put me out like a light.
It's not surprising.
Your experience with Maris has been emasculating.
Last night may have gone a long way toward restoring your self-confidence.
Of course.
And by the same token, you can now give up the assumption that Brian left you because you're unattractive.
You have evidence to the contrary.
Yes, I have.
To hell with Brian.
If he wants a prissy little wife, he can keep Stan.
Isn't this peachy? Everything's turned out fine.
You two have solved your problems.
The waiter received a handsome tip.
Niles and I have matching bathrobes.
And it's not even 9.
30 yet.
Frasier, try to understand.
- What happened last night was - Stop it, both of you.
Enough.
It happened and I'm just going to have to deal with it.
I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive for me in this.
You see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you, even though I know we are wrong for each other.
But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at your face, I will see the back of my brother's head.
And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell you.
- You know, Frasier - Enough, Lilith.
Maybe I'll just go have some breakfast.
Are we OK? No, we're not.
But we will be.
Well, that's enough for now.
We're an odd little family, aren't we? Room service.
Here's your eggs Benedict.
If you could just OK.