Frasier s05e16 Episode Script

Beware of Greeks

That's all the time we have, Seattle.
This is Dr Frasier Crane wishing you good afternoon and good mental health.
If I ask your opinion about something, will you give me an honest answer? Absolutely, Roz.
Any time.
All you have to do is ask.
- I knew it.
- No, I'm just kidding.
I love it.
It looks great.
- Are you sure? - Trust me.
It's just in my condition I'm a little insecure.
Every time I see something cute in the window, I remember how I look and I think no way.
- Here we go again.
- That's my cousin.
- Nikos, what are you doing here? - I was in the neighbourhood.
It's great to see you.
It's been ages.
Meet my producer Roz Doyle.
This is Nikos, my father's brother's son.
I would've never pegged you for a Crane.
- He gets his looks from his mom.
- Bet he gets looks from lots of women.
- It's nice to meet you.
- I never knew Frasier had a cousin.
He's ashamed of me.
Why else would he turn down my wedding invitation? - You're getting married? - Yeah, on Saturday.
- You didn't get the invitation.
- No.
I knew Mom was lying when she said she never heard back from you.
She must still be nursing that grudge.
This sounds like private family stuff.
So, what's this grudge you're talking about? Mom has never forgiven Frasier for some career advice he gave me.
And, trust me, he saved me from going down the wrong path.
Thank you, Nikos.
I certainly hate to miss this wedding.
I wonder ifthere's some way we could work this out.
- So, what was the wrong path? - It's a long story.
My folks wanted me to go to medical school.
- What did you choose? - We don't have I became a juggler.
I perform on street corners.
I see.
And all because of his advice.
- Do people sometimes toss you coins? - Sure.
Lots of times.
Well, here's something you can catch them in.
It's all your fault.
I have to monitor your blood pressure and I'd like an accurate reading.
- Why don't we try to solve this? - She's a vindictive woman and she'll keep punishing us.
Ifyou'd keptyour big trap shut my nephewwould probably be a surgeon now and I'd be going to his wedding.
That sounds about right.
I'd loved to have gone, but this is clearly a snub and we Crane men have our pride.
You're just afraid of seeing Cousin Yvonne.
Who's Cousin Yvonne? A distant cousin who has a slight crush on Niles.
A slight crush.
There are cannibals who are less man-hungry.
It would be romantic to have a secret admirer.
Someone who longed for me that much.
But I do see your point.
When you think about it, it is kind of sick.
Perhaps sick is a tad judgemental.
Because ofyour big mouth Zora won't even let me in her restaurant.
Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have a craving for stuffed grape leaves and zither music.
It's a moot point.
We're not invited, thanks to Frasier's inept advice.
Can you imagine living in the same city as your brother - and not see him for five years? - No, but I'd like to give it a try.
Dad, I think we should go to this wedding.
- Zora doesn't want us there.
- But Nikos wants us there.
I watched him grow up.
I want to see him get married.
I'd like to venture an opinion here.
I know this doesn't concern me, but I feel very strongly about this.
I like zither music and I always have.
And we're back.
Listen, Dad Drop it, Frasier.
If my brother's wife doesn't see fit to send me an invitation, I am not just going to show up.
End of story.
Case closed.
That's all she wrote.
There are more important issues at stake here than you being mauled by Yvonne the Terrible.
Dad is hurt.
Can't you see that? He misses his brother.
This is my fault, and I'm going to put it right.
I'm going to get in touch with Aunt Zora.
Surely she'll listen to reason.
Aunt Zora.
Well, that's encouraging.
She remembered my voice.
Frasier, just give up.
She can't avoid me if I go to that restaurant.
- Do you have a death wish? - I'm not afraid of her.
Have you forgotten that when Hitler invaded Greece, she joined the partisans - so she could strangle Nazis? - I have never believed that.
She would have been five at the time.
That's why the legend says they were strangled with jump ropes.
Dimitri, pick up your order.
Don't make me hurt you again.
Aunt Zora, I realise I'm not the most welcome person here but It is not fair to take my mistake out on your husband or my father.
- They didn't do anything.
- More pepper.
You have a wedding.
You should be joyous.
Sponge offthis countertop.
Nikos says his fiancée's a lovely woman and you like her very much.
You should be full of motherly emotions.
When I find out who bent this skewer, I'm ramming it right in his eye.
I've always wanted to do this, make a trip around the Greek islands.
Aunt Zora, my point is that we are family.
And we should be together.
And I promise ifyou invite us to this wedding, I will never give Nikos another piece of advice for as long as I live.
I'm through meddling.
You have my word.
And ifyou do invite us to the wedding, I'll promote this wonderful restaurant ofyours on my radio programme.
Every day.
For a month.
- You forgive me.
- Of course.
And you come to the rehearsal dinner, too.
Tomorrow night, right here.
Here, eat, my very special kokoretsi for a very special nephew.
I'm such a softy.
I'll be crying in a minute.
Me, too.
I hope you enjoy yourself, Mr "Blessed Are The Peacemakers".
Stop complaining.
The rehearsal went beautifully.
Cousin Yvonne didn't get near you.
How could she? I hid in the confessional.
By the way, Mrs Pappas is having an affair.
Here they are.
My two favourite nephews.
Ed, get me with the boys.
I am so glad you are coming to the wedding tomorrow.
There is nothing sadder than a divided family.
Am I right? When Frasier said we weren't invited I remember thinking - There you are, Niles.
- Just kill me now.
- Hello, Yvonne.
- I haven't seen you two in a long time.
I haven't seen your two in a long time.
You too.
Your You too.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
Let's go get us a glass of bubbly.
- I don't think - It's none of that sissy French wine.
- It's real Greek champagne.
- Save some for me, Niles.
And here he is, my favourite brother-in-law, Marty.
- It's been too long.
- It sure has.
Say, where's Walt? - We've got a lot of catching up to do.
- Don't worry, he'll be here.
Who is this pretty young thing? This is Daphne Moon, my physical therapist.
That's what they call it these days.
You dirty old man.
This is my fiancée, Mary Ann Taubeneck.
Mary Ann.
It's a pleasure.
Taubeneck, as in the Taubeneck Building? Yeah, and Taubeneck Park, etcetera, etcetera.
That was my grandfather, the original robber baron.
- Mary Ann has issues with her family.
- Look at them sulking over there.
You should've seen them when I told them I was marrying a street person.
- Street performer.
- Right.
They've got it coming after all the debutante nonsense they put me through.
Would you excuse me? - She's great, isn't she? - Yes.
How did you two meet? I performed at one of her parents' garden parties.
They were snooty to me.
That sparked something in her.
She asked me for a date.
She likes to play with her parents' heads.
Yes, well, so did Lizzie Borden.
What do you mean? I can't help thinking that Nothing.
Just a bad joke.
- She seems like a lovely girl.
- Yeah, she is.
My family adores her.
My mom thinks Crystal's the best thing that ever happened to me.
- Crystal? - Did I saythat? I meant Mary Ann.
I must have been admiring that crystal.
That's why I called her Crystal.
It's a good thing you weren't admiring the pork butt.
I'm so nervous I don't know what I'm saying.
I guess it's pre-wedding jitters.
Nikos, go check on the sous-chef, make sure he isn't into the ouzo.
Last time he drank on duty he got his head caught in the duck press.
- How did he manage that? - With my help.
So, what were you and Nikos talking about? Don't you worry.
I made you a promise and I'd die before I break it.
Or soon after.
So, you met Mary Ann? Yes.
You must be very proud.
And relieved.
That son of mine was going steady with a juggler.
Crystal somebody.
Imagine having a daughter-in-law who throws things for a living.
It's embarrassing.
Come, people.
Let's celebrate tonight.
Thanks for settling everything with Zora.
It's my pleasure.
I can't find Walt.
I've been waiting five years for this.
Did you know Nikos and Mary Ann have only known each - There he is! - You must have so much to talk about.
- Uncle Walt, hello.
- Frasier.
- Marty.
- Walt.
- What's new? - Same old, same old.
- How's tricks? - Can't complain.
- They keeping you busy? - You better believe it.
- What are you gonna do? - Tell me about it.
It's amazing how you two can pick up right where you left off.
Put those back.
Niles, do you realise how pathetic this is? At dinner Zora announced that I'd filed for divorce.
Within seconds Yvonne began purring so loudly my allergies kicked in.
I won't be safe till this wedding is over.
A wedding I think might be a serious mistake.
Does this mean you're going to meddle - and get us both thrown out? - I can't.
I promised I wouldn't.
- Here she comes again.
- Have you seen Niles? No, I haven't.
- Here we go.
- How much longer do we have to stay? - What are you in a snit about? - Thanks to Zora, they're sniggering about me being your physical therapist.
She's always been a pain.
You're telling me.
Dried up old grape leaf.
And she's one to talk about reputations, too.
Before she married my brother, she was easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich.
Does everyone know that? Everybody except my brother.
I love him dearly, but he's not exactly the brightest bulb in the - Bulb box? - Yeah.
Here's Eddie.
Hey, Eddie.
Where's the camera? Then it worked.
It's right here.
I decided to go undercover.
I wanted to get people just being themselves.
We were really boring.
Why don't you rewind it and tape over it? Funny.
Mrs Pappas said the same thing.
So why did you and Crystal break up? I'm not meddling.
I'm just curious.
Just interested.
It was a career conflict.
She's a juggler, too.
You may have heard of her.
Crystal Baker? No, I don't get to street theatre as often as I should.
Fabulous performer.
Fabulous girl, for that matter.
But she wanted to work in Paris and I wanted to stay here.
There's always pressure on a two-career family.
We had a big fight about it.
Then Mary Ann came along.
By the time Crystal got back, I was engaged.
- And how did she take the news? - She was crushed.
But she's been wonderful.
She called me to congratulate me.
We talked for hours, just like old times.
She's a sweetheart.
She's starting to sound like one.
It was really great talking with her.
I felt happy, purely happy.
It might be the last time I did.
Since then it's been the usual pre-wedding stuff.
The jitters, night sweats, vomiting I promised your mother I would never again interfere in your life.
Interfere? You saved me from making a terrible mistake.
I value your advice above anything.
All right.
In the interest ofyour future happiness, it's my duty to let you know Nikos, please go make your Uncle Stavros to stop dancing on the table.
It would be nice to have a family gathering where no one leaves in an ambulance.
Am I right? Yes, wouldn't it? Eddie, come on, you've been working ever since I've been here.
- You haven't had chance to chow down.
- I wouldn't mind grabbing a bite.
- Hand me that thing then.
- Be careful.
That tape is historic.
I've interviewed every member ofthe family.
I even taped Nikos' great-grandmother.
- 101 years old.
- That's amazing.
She probably has got more stories than anybody else has.
- I can't do this.
- Press this button right here.
OK, everybody, gather round.
We're going to have some toasts here.
So if everybody will stop for one minute and Why don't you just hide in the men's room? Where do you thinkYvonne is right now? Where have you been? I've been trying to contact Nikos' ex-girlfriend.
The depths you'll sink to to get a date.
I am convinced that he is still in love with her.
And she with him.
If I could get them together he might realise it in time.
Alas, I couldn't reach her.
Had to leave a message with her roommate.
Perhaps the time has come for you to stop playing games and start being direct.
Frasier? Where's Frasier Crane? Oh, dear God.
There you are.
Come up here and make a toast to the happy couple.
I guess a thought or two comes to mind.
I've known Nikos all of his life and I'm sure that he realises marriage is a binding commitment, not to be entered into hastily.
But when the right one comes along, you know it.
And it's very important to find the person that you're most compatible with.
The one who makes you feel "happy, purely happy".
More important, makes me feel happy.
It would be a shame to go through life having to say, "lf I'd only waited".
What the hell kind oftoast is this anyway? I want to make sure that my cousin marries the woman he truly loves.
Well said.
Cheers, everybody.
Thank you, Frasier.
If I may say a word or two.
My son Nikos and I have had our ups and downs.
But tonight at this moment I can honestly say What the hell are you doing here? Crystal.
I couldn't let you get married without letting you know that l Nikos, what're you doing? Stop it.
Her roommate must have called her car phone.
Jugglers have car phones? Nikos, you are ruining everything.
You, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Sorry, but Crystal's the one I'm meant to be with.
I will never forgive you for this.
See how happy you've made my parents? Frasier, he's lost his mind.
Talk to him.
Remember my promise? No more meddling.
Excuse me, everyone.
This may not be appropriate, but I have a toast too, to the man who reunited me with the woman - I plan to spend my life with.
- No, no, inappropriate.
- Toast time is over.
- We want to offer you our thanks.
You know what? Later on why don't we do some bouzouki dancing? Why are they thanking you? We owe our happiness to him.
Why couldn't she have been a mime? Once again he saved me from making a terrible mistake.
So, everyone, please lift your glasses to my cousin, Frasier Crane.
I can do better than a glass.
No! Aunt Zora! Out of my way! Well, Walt Marty Goodbye again.