Fresh Meat (2011) s03e07 Episode Script

And it is my contention that we made an oral contract in which I very clearly stated that you are not permitted on the premises.
Yes written communication is permissible.
Yes, I can confirm it's made its arduous journey from the letter box to the other side of the door.
Yes, I am eating properly.
No, I am not seeing anyone, because, due to your defective genes, I am intolerable to other human beings.
Yes, I'll see you again, no doubt.
Goodbye! Goodbye! Oregon? Oh, God! What are you doing here so early? I stayed late.
I'm trying to put together a fundraiser for Tunisia.
You can't keep punishing yourself for what happened, Oregon.
What you did was terrible, but you have to move on.
Alison, I ruined our protest campaign, I got an innocent man deported and I broke his penis.
Have you ever broken a man's penis? I have not.
It's not a good feeling.
I've decided, for personal reasons, to resign as President of the Union You're joking! I never joke.
No, that's true, actually.
You really don't.
I think you should stand as President.
Really? I mean, God, yeah, that does actually make perfect sense.
Listen, you've got a lot of work ahead, but first you need to go home.
Yeah, yeah, I could do with some proper sleep.
No, you need to go home and change and then come straight back.
You've got a lot of work ahead.
Oh.
OK, yeah.
I probably shouldn't sleep anyway.
I keep having that dream where everything I touch turns to blood.
JP, the bathroom is fucked.
Not only is the plughole completely blocked with this Eugh! And when I tried to have a shower, it caught fire, which was really disorientating, because there was water and there was fire, and they weren't cancelling each other out.
Sounds trippy.
How are we meant to wash? Well, we've got a hot tub! You could just take the dead pigeon out.
Morning.
I'm boracic.
Anyone want to lend me some cereal? Don't eat mine.
The slugs have been in it.
So why don't you chuck it out? The bin's full.
So why don't you empty it? I'm standing to be President of the Union.
Alison's given me some advice.
Alison's amazing.
So you keep saying.
I know you think I'm gonna buckle, but I'm not gonna buckle.
Tell you what, I'll give you a hand with that if you want? Me and you, back together, like Thelma and Louise.
Yeah, OK.
I mean, obviously without the crime spree and the dying at the end? Yeah, if you like.
I've never seen it.
Still not buckling.
Morning! Oh, my God, it's Helena Bonham Carter.
Get out the Goth balls, we've got a Goth infestation! It just expresses how I feel.
Morning, Nuts.
Who are you texting? The lady is not for buckling.
Although I just saw something move, so I am buckling.
In that case, you might as well take the others out.
I was wondering when we'd meet.
You what? I'm Noah, we're neighbours.
Somehow I've never seen you guys emptying your bins before.
And what are you? The fucking bin police? We operate a fairly ad hoc system.
Ad hoc being Latin for, "No-one ever fucking empties the bins".
Sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude.
Yeah, well, you were.
And I'm not having it, cos I've only been up ten minutes and I've had to stand under a shower that burst into flames, walk through slug slime and unblock a plughole full of pubes We've got a shower you could use.
I'm Josie.
Sorry, what did you say your name was? Noah.
Noah? Yeah.
Great to meet you.
Good to meet you as well.
Come in.
Great.
That's Dean doing the ironing, Harry's setting the table, and that's Rob making breakfast.
Wow.
Look at this place.
It's like fucking Narnia! Mmm? Hey.
You haven't brought me a cup of tea, have you? No.
Good.
Um JP's mid-poo and just realised we're out of toilet paper and he said you might have an emergency "doomsday scenario" supply? Is it your birthday? Um no.
Why didn't you tell anyone? Because birthdays are arbitrary events full of ritualised humiliation designed to make a small cartel of greeting card manufacturers rich.
You should have a party.
What? Like a party your parents have for you when you're six, when a so-called "magician" threatens to saw you in half, and you - quite understandably, out of fear - wet yourself in front of all the children from your street? No, not like that.
And you can't let one bad experience put you off.
I was speaking hypothetically.
So, how old are you? Wow.
How can that be? There are a number of contributing factors.
The passing of time not being the least of them.
Well, I mean, you should celebrate your birthday.
People will want to celebrate your birthday with you.
I beg to differ.
I want you to promise me not to tell anyone.
I've gone to great lengths to delete my date of birth from the internet.
I promise I won't tell anyone.
OK.
Thank you.
Here.
This is for you.
Thank you.
It's Howard's birthday, and I'm going to organise a party for him, but don't tell him - it's going to be a surprise! Well, that's not going to happen.
What do you mean? Because I'm standing right behind you and I've heard your secret plans so they are no longer secret.
By announcing your surprise, you have ruined it.
Oh.
Sorry about that.
Never mind, we can still have a party.
I do not want a party.
No-one will come to the party.
He's got a point.
Of course they will, and we can have carrots and hummus, and it'll be great.
There will be no party.
There will be, so maybe it'll be a surprise after all.
It won't.
Because I heard that too.
What the fuck? JP?! Oops.
Sorry, Nut Bush.
I appear to have dropped the iron whilst I was doing the ironing.
You never do the ironing.
I know.
That's probably why I dropped the iron.
I just don't know how to iron.
JP, that iron could have really fucking hurt me.
You know what? I think it could have really hurt you.
I think the iron could have definitely hurt you.
In fact, I think that iron could have caused you some pretty major head trauma.
Did you do that deliberately? No! No, why Why would I do that?! Why would I want to hurt pretty little Kingsley? JP, I've already told you, there's nothing going on with Sam.
I checked your phone.
423 text messages.
To Sam.
It's not that many.
It is that many.
I counted.
I told you not to go anywhere near her, and you have defied me.
You are mind-fucking her.
I am not.
Even if I was mind-fucking her, which I'm not, because there's really no such thing as mind-fucking .
.
this could have killed me.
Are you trying to kill me? Would it make you happy if you actually killed me? Yes.
Yes, it would.
I don't think it would.
Because you'd go to prison for murder.
I don't think it would make you happy to be in prison.
Do you know what they do to posh people in prison? Let them out early? Yeah, actually, that is probably true.
But still, you don't want to go to prison.
That's the point of prison.
It's not a nice place.
Maybe it would be worth it.
It wouldn't be worth it, and you're talking very close to my face again which I find very off-putting, by the way, and I know that's the intention, but please stop.
Well, I will stop doing it when I've run out of things to say.
Which is now.
Oh, I think I've sorted us out with a megaphone.
We don't need a megaphone.
How are we doing with the manifesto? Yeah, "we" are doing fine.
Good, because when we've finished that, we need to spend some time thinking about slogans.
No.
No slogans.
Read my lips, no more sound bites.
Mmm.
So once we brainstorm them, I'm going to give you some acting lessons.
So, I've put the invitation up on Facebook.
We are having a H party! Heroin? No, the letter H.
It's fancy dress themed, all around H for Howard.
Oh, right.
Everyone'll be coming as Harry Potter, then.
I won't be coming as anything.
Howard - you have to have a party.
OK, fine, if you're going to force me to have a party, I will have a party.
But not your party, because I have decided to have a LAN party.
What's a LAN party? It's fairly self-explanatory.
Everybody links up their PCs to create a local area network or LAN.
And in this case, to facilitate a marathon session of Infiniminer.
It's a game.
We play a game.
What kind of game? It's a bit like Minecraft, but more limited and less popular.
And thus, far superior.
FYI, I'm also having a party.
That's right.
We are.
Alison and the left coalition guys are coming round, hopefully for my coronation as leader.
Oh, man, the shit we're going to get up to! Yep.
Don't worry, I won't let power change me.
I mean, I'm still one of the people.
By the way, our party's a garden party, so I'd appreciate it if you kept your fancy dress party in here and if you kept the supergeeks in your room.
Right, cos nothing says party like a strict zoning policy.
Dean, did you put that second load of washing on? Yep.
I thought I'd hang them up for you, if that's all right? You're such a sweetheart.
Noah, how's dinner coming along? I've made spaghetti Bolognese.
God.
Of course you have.
That's so cute! So what's the plan for after dinner? You give me a shoulder rub and I'll tell you what the plan is.
Oh Oh, yeah, that's good.
You can give me a foot rub if you want.
Harry, why don't you take a break from ironing, rest up just for a second.
So, food's just about ready.
OK, I'm going to tell you what the plan is for this evening.
I'm guessing that none of you have ever played poker? OK, in that case, here's what we're going to do.
We're going to roll a spliff, we're going to drink tequila and we're going to play strip poker for cash.
What's going on? Nuts, I feel as though I owe you an apology.
So I've cooked you dinner.
It's risotto.
OK.
Well, thanks, JP, that's very mature of you and Is this broken glass? Wouldn't have thought so.
It's probably just a bit of transparent rice.
Or maybe a pearl onion.
It's broken glass.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
Well, that's very poor.
You'd expect better from Waitrose.
JP, you can't keep trying to kill me! I'm not trying to kill you, Kingsley.
I'm just trying to massively shit you up.
Nutsford wait.
Please.
I need to ask you a favour.
Weird way to ask a favour.
It's not so much a favour as a demand.
I want you to ask Sam to the party so that I can show her how over her I am.
Why would I want to do that? If there was nothing going on, why wouldn't you? There isn't anything going on.
You're going on a date with her.
It's not a date.
We just both like Nick Cave.
I'd take Josie, but Josie's got shit taste - she likes Mumford and Sons.
What's wrong with Mumford and Sons? I love Mumford and Sons.
They're perfect for drinking cider to.
First Blunters, now Mumfers, is nothing sacred? I'm not inviting Sam to the party.
What if I showed Josie all of the text messages? All 423 of them.
What if I've deleted them, even if I didn't need to because they were perfectly innocent messages about why I might make a good controller of 6 Music? What if I told you that I'd taken a video on my phone of me scrolling through them? What if I said, have you really done that? What if I told you that I had done that? What if I asked you to prove that you've done that? What if I showed you this? Then I would probably say, why don't I invite Sam to the party? Good man.
Now, come on, your risotto's getting cold.
There's more glass in here, isn't there? Shouldn't have thought so.
So, I've had a look at our manifesto and I think we need to make a few changes.
Oh, we do, do we? Is that what we need to do? Yeah.
I mean, look at this.
"Involve the Union in real world issues like the problems facing Tunisia.
" No-one cares.
I care.
"Ensure the Union safeguards the student hardship fund.
" Again, who cares? Again, I care.
And you know you're probably eligible for that.
Exactly! I'm eligible and I don't care.
It's boring, and it's not going to get us elected.
OK, what do you think would get me elected? All kinds of stuff.
We promise to put a bouncy castle in the library.
Well Ah-ah-ah! We get Metallica to play a gig in the library.
Basically anything to liven up the library.
OK, Vod, I've been thinking and I think maybe I should just do this on my own.
Don't be stupid.
You need me.
Now budge up, I'm going to take you through the plan I have to turn the laundrette into a head shop.
Ace-high flush, motherfucker! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Off, off, off, off! Oh, wait.
Shit, I gotta go.
Don't worry, don't worry, this is to be continued.
Where've you been? Oh, I was just next door to the library.
Next door to the library? Yes, I was at the library and I got bored so I went next door to the pub.
There isn't a pub next door to the library.
It's an expression.
Yeah, "I went next door" .
.
as in, "I went to the pub.
" I've never heard it.
Is it a Welsh thing? What? Yes, exactly.
Who's that? Who's that? Well, that's my mum.
I texted her saying I hadn't heard from you and now she's panicking.
God, Kingsley, that's such an overreaction, I was only next door to the library.
I've never heard that.
Oh! Prince? I'm not Prince.
I'm George Harrison.
Who are you? Harry Potter.
Couldn't think of anyone else to come as.
Oh, God.
Oh, what? Come on! I know.
Classic, isn't it? Why do posh people always dress up as Nazis? I'm not a Nazi.
I'm the Nazi.
The uber-Nazi.
Why would you want to dress up like a Nazi? It's funny.
Hitler's funny, isn't he? What if I zhuzh up the hair and just make it like a normal Nazi? Normal Nazi doesn't begin with a H.
I could be Prince Harry! Are you genuinely saying that this isn't a brilliant idea? JP, what if there are some Jewish people here tonight? Kingsley, Jews have a great sense of humour.
They're famous for it.
You can definitely make fun of a Jew.
Jewish people can make fun of themselves.
Are you Jewish? Do I look Jewish? Not right now.
JP! I'm Howard from "Howard's party" fame.
Hey, Josie! We saw you were having a party so we thought we'd drop by! Guys! So great to see you, here, in my house.
- We've got a message for you - We want our boxer shorts back! Hello? Gentlemen? Josie? Kingsley, hi.
These are just some guys that I know.
Oh, right.
Where from? Oh, you know.
Next door.
Er, so you mean next door, as in the pub? Er, next door as in the house next door.
Sorry, who are you? I'm George Harrison! I'm obviously George Harrison! Are you Josie's boyfriend? Yeah, I am her boyfriend and we're very happy together, aren't we? Yes.
In a way, chill out, cos you're being a bit uncool.
Well, that's a joke, because I'm not uncool.
I'm actually really cool.
I'm George fucking Harrison.
OK, I'm going to give you guys the tour.
What's Heather doing here? Oh, I basically invited everyone Howard has ever met.
Is it a problem? No.
God no.
We're all grown-ups.
Brilliant, aren't they? Go on, get involved.
They won't bite.
Honk, honk! I said to her, "Oregon, you have got to run for President.
" I mean, a year off studying - result.
You get paid - kerching.
We get to book our favourite bands.
Hello! Plus, unlimited power, hm? Sex on tap.
Plus, people salute you when they walk by.
Or at least they will when we change the constitution.
So vote for Oregon and I'll give you a line of whizz.
What do you reckon? Hello.
Not Infinimining? We gate-crashed your other party.
You have two very cool parties.
Howard, look at me, I've come as you! Why would you do that? Cos you're a dude.
You're the guy that got his tits out for feminism.
Hey, everybody! It's Howard! Well, it's been interesting talking to you, Vod.
Yeah, a lot of people are saying that tonight.
God, I must be on good form.
So, what is your role in Oregon's campaign again? Basically, she's running for president I'm running her.
She's the puppet, I'm the puppet master.
Well, not puppet, that sounds bad.
Mascot? We need to have a private chat, inside.
Yeah, OK.
Killer party! Thank you.
Candice, I owe you an apology.
Your party is a great party.
People have been coming up to me and saying really nice things, and the last time that happened was when I went to Abercrombie and Fitch, but those people are paid to say that so it doesn't count.
What I'm trying to say is that You've made me realise You've You've made me realise that Howard.
Sabine? Happy birthday.
It's nice to see you.
If it's OK, I would like to speak to you in private.
In case you were wondering, I'm Hannah Montana.
I was hoping that we could talk alone? Trust me, they're not listening.
I'll be blunt.
There was a guy, I moved into his place, put my toothbrush there, but it was all bullshit so I won't do that again.
And now I feel very alone so I was wondering if you'd like to go back to our previous arrangement of being friends with sex benefits? I get very horny, especially when I'm ovulating.
There was a time when I wanted a relationship with you, but you weren't interested.
So that hydrofoil has sailed, Sabine - all the way to Rotterdam.
Now all I want is a relationship with Candice.
But unfortunately, I'm not good enough for her.
It's obvious that she likes you.
I mean, why shouldn't she? You're very attractive and surprisingly good at sex, given your lack of practice.
So, if you like her, you should ask her out.
Otherwise you will be playing terrible games, with odd people, the rest of your life.
You're right.
I should ask her out.
Candice? I have something to say.
Oh, Howard! This is Gary.
Gary is my date for the evening.
Oh Hi.
Welcome to my party.
I hope you have a good time at the party.
That's the point of a party.
What were you gonna say? Um Just how much I love these Marmite sticks.
Great.
I'm gonna go and get them.
He's a bit boy-next-door, isn't he? The boy next door.
What's so interesting about him? Oh, look, there's Heather! I haven't seen Heather since Oh, since you pretended to stop seeing her when actually you hadn't.
Hi, guys.
I saw you updated your relationship status on Facebook.
I was like, "Aw, you two got together!" So, congratulations Thanks.
Thanks.
So when did that happen? A while ago.
Pretty recently.
Or a while ago.
Can't have been that long ago.
Kings and I were going out not that long ago.
Right! When was it exactly, Kingsley? Who cares? It's all ancient history now, isn't it? Or not ancient history, but history.
Boring old history.
I hate history.
Let's not talk about history.
Let's talk about the future.
What's the next big thing after Google Glass? Who have you come as? You look like Prince.
Or a Mexican.
I'm obviously George Harrison! Obviously! Sabine I've changed my mind.
I would like to take you up on your offer.
Oh! Unfortunately, I've already made arrangements with another man.
Of course, cos there will always be someone better than me.
Because I'm a fairground monstrosity with whom only an enlightened and compassionate Victorian doctor could have a meaningful relationship.
Howard, that's not true.
It is true! Oh All right, gorgeous? Oh, fucking perfect! Even the fake me's better than the real me! Like all relationships in politics, it's been You know, it's been challenging, but also very rewarding.
Just to clarify, is Vod running your campaign? No! No.
She's not running my campaign.
Maybe you should listen to this.
I mean the way I like to put it is she's like the puppet and I'm the puppet master.
But in a nice way.
I'm not your puppet! Why would I agree to be your puppet? Well You didn't really know.
That's the thing about puppets, they don't know they're puppets, they're muppets.
You need to disassociate yourself from her.
She's a liability.
Please don't tell me what to do, I'm not a puppet! But, yes, that is what I was going to do.
But not because you told me.
Vod.
I don't want your help.
You're nothing to do with my campaign.
Right.
Oh, it's like that, is it? I know when I'm not wanted.
No, you don't.
That's the problem.
Fine.
Maybe I'll stand against you.
Don't be ridiculous! You'd be a disaster.
You don't think I can do it? No! Obviously, I don't think you can do it.
You can't do it.
You'd be a terrible politician.
It's just talking to people and pretending to listen to them.
How hard could it be? Well, for you, impossible.
I see what you're doing.
You're putting me down, because of your own insecurity.
You might want to look into that behaviour, mate.
I've done therapy.
For one day.
What can I say? I was fast-tracked.
Some people don't need to do it for ten years.
I went in, sorted myself, left.
Then why do you sound so mental? Hello, ladies.
I'll be your server for this evening.
Might I recommend my speciality thick shake? You've gotta suck on it pretty hard to get a mouthful, but it is quite tasty.
So have you written any songs about me since we broke up? I've been imagining you thinking of me and strumming away I've not written any songs about you, no.
Too busy masturbating? All right, Kingsley? Yeah This isn't gonna be weird with Josie, is it? Er, no.
Why would it be weird with Josie? It's not gonna be weird with Josie.
It might be a bit weird with JP, because he threatened to kill me if I didn't invite you.
He made me invite you.
I didn't actually want to invite you.
What? But it's lovely to see you.
And welcome.
What is going on? Nothing.
JP! This has to stop.
Oh! Excuse me, ladies.
Oops! Caught with my hand in the nookie jar! Are you jealous? Seriously, are you are you jealous at all? JP, there is nothing going on between us.
Leave me alone.
Why won't you like me? This is so unfair! It should be me that's sending you 423 text messages, not Kingsley! You fucking what? That didn't sound good.
You've sent her 423 texts? No.
Maybe.
Yes! But some of them were really short.
Are you having an affair? Yes, he is having an affair - an affair of the mind! You're the one having the affair of the mind.
Are you OK, Jose? This must be a bit awkward for you.
Do you think this is funny? There's a certain irony.
Yeah, and you love irony, don't you? That's just one of the many things about you that really gets on my tits.
To be fair, that gets on my tits as well.
That's not helping.
Yeah, I do love irony.
Maybe because I'm intelligent enough to appreciate it.
Who's the bitch? My sentiments exactly.
But also, back off, none of your business! Watch out for her - she'll break your arm if you're not careful.
I did break your arm and I'm glad I broke your arm.
And if I'd broken your pelvis, maybe you wouldn't have shagged my boyfriend! He wasn't your boyfriend, remember? And it's not my fault he liked me more.
Except he didn't, which is why he's with me.
Yeah.
Is he? Or is he with her? I am here.
So am I, although I wish I wasn't.
Yes, OK, maybe he did take a couple of weeks to figure it out, but in the end, he chose me! What do you mean "taken him a couple of weeks"? Oh, dear.
What's going on? Are you a player? Er, he's not a player.
If anyone's a player Shut up! Keep out of it! Did you cheat on me while my grumpops was dying? Not so funny now, is it? Though there is a certain irony.
Don't you slap him, only I can slap him! Don't slap him.
Don't tell me not to slap him.
You can't slap him! - That's for slapping him! - Oh, God! This is hideous! I actually wish I was dead.
Don't feel sorry for him! Don't you dare find that endearing! I can't believe I was ever friends with you.
You're a horrible person! I'm not a horrible person.
Actually, she's not.
Now get out before I break your pelvis! Although that sounds like she is.
Kingsley? Please, please don't have sex with Sam this evening! JP! Oh, I'm still here! Good point.
Why? Good point.
I'll go.
Maybe best if I don't see you at the gig.
Yes.
Sam? Sam! You were gonna go to a gig with her? It's only a gig! What were you gonna do? Mosh up against her mosh pit until you headlined?! What?! Yes! I do think I'm a better person than you! You abandoned your husband in a shopping centre.
Er, you stole my identity and put me in a play, which was terrible, until I saved it.
You didn't save it, you hijacked it, like you hijack everything else.
Oh, you are so insecure, it's unbelievable.
And you're an egomaniac who has to be the centre of attention at all times! I can't help it if everyone thinks I'm fucking cool! This election is not a popularity contest.
Yeah, it is! And I'm much more popular than you.
Maybe because I don't go around fucking guys and snapping their knobs off! Right! This is fucking war! You stand against me and I will crush you like Blair crushed whoever it was he stood against.
Was it Major? Probably Major! It is on, mate.
Bring.
It.
On.
- Oh, running away already? - I'm going to bed.
Yeah, running away to bed more like! Yeah, I might turn in as well.
I am absolutely tamping with you, Kingsley! I cannot believe this! Jose? I think we're gonna leave.
Yeah! And what about these guys? "Going next door" isn't a phrase, is it? It actually means "going next door".
You've been seeing another man, and his three mates! You've been seeing an entire other house! I don't have to tell you everything! We're not married! Yeah, you know what? I'm glad.
Right! Sorry to ask this, but can I sleep at yours? Yes.
Great! Howard? I'm sorry about the party.
It didn't go as well as I'd hoped.
Right, everybody out! Come on! All of you! Out! Show's over! Move it! Everyone, get out of my house! Fuck off! Go on! Fuck off, Seabiscuit! You! You shit! You dick! You stole my woman! I didn't.
She.
Doesn't.
Like.
You! She does! JP! She is my woman! Women aren't possessions! Stop talking in meaningless riddles! Ow! Fuck! My head! You dick! Ow! No, not the face! Not the face! Gentleman's code, Kingsley! Let go of my hands! Why? So you can punch me? Yes! No! Stop.
Trying.
To.
Kill.
Me! You can't hurt me with boobs, Kingsley! I thrive on boobs! That's it.
Guys our giant statue of Howard is complete! Oi! JP! JP, calm down! JP, put down the bread knife.
OK, I will put down the bread knife.
Watch! I haven't done anything with Sam.
You should be thanking me! OK, fine! I will thank you! I'll thank you with this! And this! You knew how I felt about her! You should've stayed away from her! What? Like you with Josie? That's different! How? Because I am more important than you! I should be mad with you! You've ruined things with Josie.
Not the wok! Not the wok! Why is everything always my fault?! Not the olive oil.
It's Tuscan extra virgin.
Fuck the olive oil! Everything is always my fault! Don't fuck this person in the house! Don't buy the house! Don't clean the fucking house! Don't throw the virgin fucking olive oil! Well, you know what, Kingsley? Fuck you! Fuck all of you! You now realise you're just smashing up your own property? Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! OK, good talk! If we're all finished here, um, I might just go for a lie down and think about how my life has fallen apart.
Night! This was meant to be spear year!