Fresh Meat (2011) s03e08 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 8
1 I'm running to be the next president of the Student Union and I'm thinking of being Labour.
What's in it for me? Sell it to me.
Normally, WE vet candidates, rather than have the candidates vet us.
Oh, right.
Typical politician, twisting everything around.
Are you familiar with our policies? You need to be able to articulate why people should vote for us.
Oh, right.
So, it's all about good grammar and elocution lessons.
I should join the Tories, is that what you're saying? I'm not saying that.
Now you're twisting MY words.
Am I? Or are YOU twisting my words? No.
You're twisting my words.
You see, this is why everyone thinks Blair's a cunt.
Forget it.
Obviously, I've got a problem with the whole anti-Europe thing cos I like to go to Amsterdam a lot.
Also, I hate everything about you.
I just came in to have a go.
Plus, I love KFC.
Guessing that's a bit of a deal-breaker? Nah.
Candice, um I have something to ask you.
Would you be interested in getting me a yogurt from the fridge? Can't you just get it yourself? Yes.
This is the drawing room.
There's a lot of slugs, but don't worry, I'll kill them.
And the shower's blocked.
Pubes.
Howard's probably.
But don't worry.
I'll, er, de-pube it.
TV, it's got a wok in it.
I'll probably chuck the TV.
Might keep the wok.
What's going on? I'm selling the house.
What? That's right.
I'm selling the house.
This shitty university is full of people that don't care about me.
So, from now on, I'm all about number one.
So, how's that going to be different? Kindly pass the eviction notice on to Josie and He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named aka He-Who-Is-A-Massive-Shithead.
They're on day two of their relationship summit.
I overheard Kingsley doing that strangulated gargling thing he does when he's very stressed.
It does not bode well.
Good.
Well, I hope that she dumps him, he kills himself and then she takes a piss on his corpse because THAT is what he deserves.
Well, I'll be union president, so I'll be getting paid and probably renting somewhere.
Well, no.
I'll be president of the union.
You, er, don't mind if I roach a little bit of your postcard, do you? All right, Vod.
You've had your fun.
It's all a big joke.
Ah-ha, ah-ha-ha.
But we both know that you're not going to go through with this.
You don't stand a chance.
You think I'm an idiot, don't you? Well, if I'm an idiot how come we're so close in the surveys? Polls.
They're called polls.
Whatever.
And it's not exactly MORI.
It's a website run by a man who calls himself David Dimbledick and uses a picture of a penis as a swingometer.
No-one will actually vote for you.
No-one.
Oh, right.
What about you, Candice? You'll vote for me, won't you? No.
Why not? You don't have any policies.
Yeah, I do.
Cheap chips.
You have one policy.
I don't think one policy is enough.
What about you, Japes? You'll vote for me, right? No.
Because? Because you owe me £1,000 in back rent.
Howard! Democracy is an illusion.
I WILL be taking part in its ritualistic charade, but only in order to spoil my ballot paper which I will do by making lists of contemporary human rights abuses, such as Facebook's privacy settings.
Hey, babe, would you like some juice? Oh, I'd love some.
Can I get you some cereal? Aw, hun, thanks! God, isn't he great? Right.
What's happening? Nothing.
We're just happy.
Oh.
So, you broke up? Hey, what about Sexy Mike? Didn't you quite like Sexy Mike? Oh, God, yeah.
And Big Dick Mike.
Oh, God, yeah.
Who could forget Big Dick Mike? I don't know cos I certainly haven't.
What about those girls in the record store? You liked them, didn't you? "Watch out, ladies.
The Pussyman's on the prowl!" Ha! Yeah.
Rrrrr! What the hairy hell is going on? Nothing.
No biggie.
We've just decided to have an open relationship.
Oh.
So, you're available? I know it sounds incredibly bohemian and, well, actually, it is.
But we'll still be going out.
We can just see other people if we want.
So, you're available? It's like, why would you have the same dinner over and over again when you could sample a range of items from the sex mezze? Hmm.
Interesting.
Like a kind of genital all-you-can-eat.
Obviously, we're going to fancy other people.
That's natural.
We're young.
That doesn't go away until you're, like, I dunno, 29.
So, we're doing the whole Scandinavian thing.
What, serial killing? Being free.
You should not be messing with this.
This is black-belt screw-jitsu.
Have you written up the rules? We don't need rules.
So, you're definitely available? Although I did say one rule should be that Josie can't sleep with JP.
Yeah, you do need rules cos otherwise it's fucking carnage.
It gets all, "He's fucking her so I'm fucking him.
" "He's having a threesome with two other girls.
Right.
"I'm having two threesomes with four other blokes.
" And before you know it, one of you is blowing a donkey in a car park full of truckers.
You need rules.
What's going on? The open relationship.
I'd like to apply for a position.
Er, it doesn't really work like that.
Please, hear me out.
Take a seat.
I've prepared a brief PowerPoint presentation.
What? Accessibility.
I live only metres away from your bed which means, due to my unique position within the market place, I can respond to your demands almost immediately.
I can be in your bedroom, naked, in 18 seconds.
That is pretty quick.
Familiarity.
We've had sex before.
We already have a good working relationship.
Reliability.
I orgasm or my money back? I can be trusted to deliver a quality product, even under trying circumstances or on a tight deadline.
I've got a proven track record.
Compatibility.
I have a cock.
You have a vagina.
My cock works in your vagina.
Therefore, I am Josie-compatible.
Forbidden Fruit.
Kingsley says we can't have sex with each other which is all the more reason to have sex with each other because as we all know, forbidden fruit tastes the fruitiest.
So, in conclusion, I think that me and you are the perfect match.
We're like Fortnum and Mason or gull's eggs and celery salt.
So, I think if you drill down into my proposal you'll find there really is no downside.
Thank you.
Look, I'm touched by your PowerPoint presentation.
What girl wouldn't be? But I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no.
That slide only really works if you'd said yes.
Candice I know I have missed my opportunity to be with you because I am stupid and pathetic and a coward and self-destructive and I was rude to you about the party when I shouldn't have been, but the fact is I actually like you a lot.
So would you please not kiss Goth Gary outside my window.
We weren't kissing.
His lip-ring got caught on my earring.
I thought you were having a long, erotic kiss.
No.
We were having a long, un-erotic tussle, followed by a very short, un-erotic tearing of my ear cartilage.
But you are going out? No.
I thought about it, but it didn't seem right.
Then Then would you go out with me? Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
I'd like that.
OK.
Great.
I don't know what to do now so I'm going to go back in my room.
Seriously, were you dropped on your head as a child? I'm not some hick from Didsbury or Timperley.
I'm from London where they have all the jobs and the money.
You know, London, where they film the helicopter shots for The Apprentice and they film the rest of The Apprentice.
My point is, I know about business, so sort it out.
Jacket potato, please.
With cheese.
Yes, I have taken the wok out of the television which means now it's time that you up keep your end of the bargain and get me some viewings.
Goodbye.
J-penis, How goes it? I'm standing as the Tory candidate.
The first steps on the inevitable road to Number Ten.
Well, not sure I want a career in politics, really.
But it keeps the old man happy.
Well, of course I can count on your vote.
No.
Sorry, what's that? I thought for a moment you said, "No.
" That's right.
I don't do anything for anyone any more.
I'm all about number one.
Dude, that is EXACTLY why I'm standing.
I represent everyone who's only interested in themselves.
Can't talk.
Got a potato.
Laters.
But No! I can get another ticket to Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds.
I thought, bit of a novelty, you might like to come.
Yeah.
Um, I dunno because you know I don't like your music.
Yeah, just give it a try.
Have a listen.
What do you think? I don't like it.
It's only just started.
Oh, I still don't like it.
Wait till the chorus kicks in.
I don't like it.
Why don't you like it? It sounds like something that would be played at a hobo's funeral by other hobos.
Um, let me play you another track.
Yeah, OK.
This is better.
See? But I don't like it.
Um, please don't make me go.
I will self-harm.
Thanks for asking, though.
Are you interested in safeguarding the student hardship fund? Because you should be.
I mean, I don't want to sound overly earnest or hectoring, but this is a serious issue and you need to engage with it.
We need to enter into a dialogue and have a mature debate.
Wanker.
Hi, Oregon.
Oh.
How's it going? Great.
Really great.
I think I'm really connecting with people.
I'm hearing a lot of people are saying they're going to vote for Vod.
Vod is a joke candidate.
Ignore her.
Oregon, you have to take Vod seriously.
What? That? THAT'S not the problem.
THIS is the problem.
Vod is God! Oh, shit.
Vod is God! Right.
Ask me another question.
Is binge drinking in the union a concern and if so, what do you propose to do about it? Cheap chips.
Another.
If there was a conflict between the union and the university when you were in charge, how would you resolve it? Cheap chips.
Yeah, we don't really need to rehearse any more, not if you're going to say the same thing to every question.
Hey.
So, did you find anyone to go with? No.
Can you believe that? Yes.
Yes, I can.
So, are you still going to go? Well, yeah, obviously.
This is Nick Cave we're talking about, not Beady Eye.
Yeah, listen, by the way Sam will be there.
Obviously, we're not going together.
She's going.
I'm going.
We're just two people going to the same place at the same time.
But we're going separately.
Although even if we were going together, we're in an open relationship, so it'd be fine.
But nothing's going to happen, so it's doubly fine and, um, I think it's fine so Do you think it's fine? Yeah.
I guess it's fine.
Oh, great.
God, we're being so mature, aren't we? So, are you enjoying the date? Are you going to say anything on the date? I'm scared to, in case I ruin the date.
You're going to ruin the date if you don't say anything.
I'm not an improviser.
I don't riff.
I couldn't even name you an improviser off the top of my head.
Eddie Izzard? I don't know what to say.
We could do some flirting? Yes! OK, then.
You look nice.
So do you.
So, that's flirting done, then! Tick.
Tick.
What next? Um, we could maybe go for an ironic public display of affection? Tick.
Tick.
We're on a roll.
What next? Maybe I could invite you back to my place for a coffee? Like Joey from Friends.
I don't know who that is.
What is the most important issue facing the student union today? Two words.
Cheap chips.
Cheap chips! I disagree with that totally.
Oh, here we go.
I've done a costing of Vod's cheap chips policy and it doesn't add up.
If as she proposes, she reduces the price of French fries, curly fries, Denver fries, spicy wedges by 50%, this will cost the union £500 a day.
That's Vod's room.
Vod's hot, but I don't think we're ever going to bang now.
Oregon's room.
Also hot.
Although again, somehow we're never going to bang.
That's Josie's room.
Again, hot.
And lovely.
Sometimes I wonder whether we'll end up living together in Notting Hill.
Me as Chancellor of the Exchequer, her as the daughter of a seamstress done good.
I think she might be my Kate Middleton.
I love candles.
They're so romantic.
I have them in case of earthquakes or meteor strikes or local authority mismanagement.
Oh.
I think I just stood on a snail.
OK.
Just, er, wait there.
Don't move.
Don't leave.
Or don't break-up with me.
What are you doing? Just putting some more salt down around the bed so the slugs can't get in.
OK.
Now we can go back to being romantic.
I want you to give me everything.
Yes.
Of course.
Meaning? I want to do it in all the positions.
Missionary, modified missionary, non-missionary, everything.
OK.
Listen, I've got a request as well.
Erm, can we do it twice? For the first time, can we do it as a kind of throat clearer, a rough sketch of, you know, the areas you've just proposed.
And then, you know, just get it out the way, then have a breather and then do it again, but this time, do it with proper colouring in or a fairly detailed cross-hatching of said areas at least.
Sounds good.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
Then let battle commence.
And this is me This is my house flag.
It's a trident with dongs for prongs.
The big dong is mine, obviously.
Then that's Kingsley's and the weird, wonky, little, misshapen one is Howard's.
I painted that at the beginning of term.
I was happy then.
We were friends then.
I should go.
Don't go.
I'm going to go.
Although, I could stay.
I am in an open relationship.
Exactly.
You're in an open relationship.
She texted me to say she was going round Noah's house, but she hasn't texted me to say what she's doing at Noah's house.
I mean, what if she's sleeping with him right now? Shouldn't she tell me that? So, she should text you during sex? "I'm humping someone else right now.
Smiley face, smiley face, O face.
" Well, no, obviously not that.
Although, maybe it could be that.
Or she could text me just before.
"Can you just hold that erection "cos I have to text my boyfriend you have an erection?" That sort of thing? I just think it would be good to know.
I'm thinking I won't sleep with you because she might not sleep with Noah.
I don't want to hurt her feelings.
But if she does sleep with Noah, I probably DO need to sleep with you so I don't hurt her feelings.
The key to making an open relationship work is communication.
You do realise you're saying this all out loud? Yeah.
I'm not taking anything for granted.
It's just, I like you and you like me and we're definitely in a position to explore that more, if you want to and I want to and I think I probably do want to, if you want to.
OK.
I still haven't heard from her, so I'm going to assume she is sleeping with Noah.
Which is fine.
Totally fine.
So, why don't I come back to yours? 'You have no new messages.
' Josie? What's the matter? Everything's just falling apart.
Don't worry.
I've taken the house off the market.
I'm not selling it.
I don't mean like that.
Everything's falling apart with Kingsley.
He's sleeping with Sam.
I hate him.
Do you want to chip? No.
Go on have a chip.
No, I don't want a chip.
Chips are great.
They're made of chopped up unicorns and have magical properties and solve all the world's problems.
Why won't you answer my question? Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it? Why did you pick on me? I didn't pick on YOU, I picked on your policies.
They're stupid.
Are you saying I'm stupid? Is that what you're saying? What is this really about? I'm pissed off because I care about this and you don't give a shit.
You're going to abandon it, just like you abandon everything else, just like you abandoned your husband, just like you abandoned your mum and just like you abandoned me on holiday.
Oh, my God.
Are you still going on about the holiday?! So, I got off with a hot Mexican guy and left you on your own for a bit.
I mean, what is the big deal? You're my wingman.
I'm not your wingman.
And I'm not your sidekick.
And if this carries on, maybe I'm not your friend.
Bit harsh.
So, the PowerPoint worked then? What?! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The PowerPoint worked.
The PowerPoint totally worked.
And now, I want a different kind of PowerPoint, the PowerPoint in your pants.
I must warn you that kind of talk massively turns me on.
Yeah? Good.
Well, hump me with your PowerPoint.
Oh, yeah! I will.
I will hump you with my PowerPoint.
'You have no new messages.
'Press one to return to the menu.
' Should we? Er, yeah.
I mean, I want to.
Do I? No, I do! No, no, no.
You're right.
I can't I can't do this.
But you've got a massive erection.
Yes, I do.
No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
What the hell is wrong with me?! Shit.
What if I told you that I don't think I can do this? Um, well, I'd feel frustrated and horny and angry and guilty but yeah, maybe for the best.
God.
Maybe we could just diddle each other.
No, you're right.
We can't even diddle each other.
God, having a conscience is so shit.
It's like being Catholic.
Or a woman.
Fucking awful.
No offence.
Morning.
I thought you'd left.
Why would I do that? I don't know.
By the way, you've got a slug on your bum.
Of course.
Suddenly, everyone wants a piece of my hot ass.
So, breakfast or sex? Hmm.
And now with her final statement, Violet Nordstrom, Independent Cheap Chips Party.
Yeah, so there's some new policies that I want to talk about.
If I get elected, I will be burning all the books in the library, starting with the men, but then doing all the women as well.
Wankers.
I I'll be banging CCTV into every dorm and then publishing a weekly report of who's screwing who, just for a laugh.
What the fuck are you doing? I'm trying to get me NOT elected, so you can get elected, dickhead.
Oh.
Well Right.
Thanks.
Um Seriously though, what do I need to do get them to stop liking me? Take a shit on the pool table? Two words - homophobic rant.
Right.
Don't forget about the election.
I'm cleaning the house so that we can have a party for the winner.
But first, I'm going to be snorting a schnozz-full of grade A Colombian gack, then scrubbing this mother down.
Feel free to have some if you want.
Thanks.
I'll just stick to toast.
OK.
OK.
What about this? I will take down all the disabled ramps.
Yeah! Fuck, yeah! Am I allowed to vote for another candidate? No? All right.
Here goes.
My last policy is one for the gays.
This is what I think about the gays.
So, you didn't do anything with Sam? No.
I mean, I could have done, obviously.
But then I just thought, "Is it worth it? "No, it's not worth it.
" And you didn't do anything with Noah? With Noah? God no.
That was never going to happen.
Great.
So everything's fine.
We're all fine.
We can just go back to normal.
Yeah.
Except everything's not fine, is it? Well, maybe we just need to do something to keep things fresh.
We could have a threesome or get into open-air sex.
That's not the answer.
Or we could try chastity.
The concept, I mean.
Not Chastity from your course.
Kingsley, listen to yourself.
Marriage, followed by marriage counselling.
We could move to New Zealand and start a farm.
Or we could do that thing from Germany where one of you eats a bit of the other one.
Yeah, that well-known way of saving a relationship, by eating your way out of trouble.
I love you.
I'm going to do whatever it takes to make this work.
I will shave off my soul patch.
I will stop eating penne.
Or carrying on eating penne.
Whichever it is you want me to do.
And I will listen to Mumford and Sons with you and I will not make sarcastic remarks and I will not dance ironically and I will do everything you want and I will make you happy and we will buy a house overlooking the Gower Peninsula and we'll have two kids and we'll grow old together and sit in the sun in our garden and hold hands till we're 90 and we'll be in love and we'll be happy.
OK.
And THAT is what I would do to the gays if I was elected.
Wow.
I mean, wow.
I totally agree with that.
I would never say that out loud.
I mean, this is the problem with modern politics.
There are no personalities any more.
No racist or homophobic personalities.
So, if there's no questions that's it.
Cheers.
Give me that! I can't believe you did that for me.
Yeah, it's a pretty weird act of friendship.
You will still need an ents manager, right? Yeah.
One who gets paid in free beer, yeah? Yeah.
Although that might be tricky because now you have a reputation as a homophobe.
Thanks for your patience.
The results will be in any moment.
Oh, hi.
You OK? Yeah.
You seem quiet? I'm fine.
Hey.
I've only gone and taken the house off the market.
I'm a fucking hero and I'm not just saying that because I've done a shed load of coke.
I mean, I have done a shed load of coke, but I am a hero anyway.
Quick one about that.
Is it obvious that I've done a shed load of coke? Cos, I mean, I have.
Actually, don't even bother answering that because even if it is obvious, I don't fucking care.
Look, have I ruined things between you and Kingsley? No, you haven't ruined anything cos you didn't DO anything, remember? Ah, gotcha.
Oh, my God.
Look.
It's Sam.
Right.
I'm going to talk to Sam.
Well, I wouldn't if I were you.
Mate, seriously, if there's one thing people on coke are good at, it's talking to people.
As long as I'm not required to listen, this can't go wrong.
Hey, Sam.
I need to talk to you.
JP, I know I'm amazing, but you need to get over me.
Yeah.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
I think that you are totally and utterly amazing.
And I'm not just saying that because I've done a fuckload of coke.
I HAVE done a fuckload of coke so I should probably mention that straight up.
But basically, I've realised that we weren't in love.
What we had was not love because, yeah, I loved you, but you didn't love me and when two people are actually in love, that's hard enough to stay in love.
If one of us didn't love the other, it can't have been love and I'm genuinely sorry because I think I got a little bit obsessed and maybe started projecting some feelings about you that weren't about you.
I'm really sorry and I know this sounds like it's the coke talking and it definitely is the coke talking, but I do also mean it.
Thank you.
Right.
Were you just coming on to me? No.
Good.
OK.
Yeah.
I mean, I knew that.
I was just checking.
Look, I know you like Howard.
But look at all the problems that Kingsley and Josie have had.
Maybe don't shit where you eat? We're already going out.
Oh, er Oh, er Well, then congratulations.
Homophobe.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Just had a very hot dyke having a go at me.
But I gave her my number and I think she's going to educate me.
So it is all good.
OK.
The results are in.
Before I go into a breakdown of the voting, I can say we have a clear winner and it is my pleasure to announce that Oregon Shawcross is duly elected.
Get it! We are the overlords! Fuck all the other candidates.
Especially you, Labour! Woo! Just to give you a heads up, the union is in major debt.
So, no money for cheap chips? No money for anything.
And as well as the debt, we are facing legal action from the NUS for gross mismanagement.
Congratulations on your win.
It's your problem now.
You knew this all along? YOU told me to run.
You fucking set me up! Yeah.
I don't really like you.
Oh, shit.
Relax.
Don't sweat it.
I'll book a load of fucking cool bands to keep everyone's spirits up while YOU cut the essential services.
What's my budget? No, don't even tell me.
Sort it out later.
What am I going to do? Don't panic.
Just keep drinking.
Fancy an early night? What's the matter? You know what the matter is.
Please don't say it.
I have to.
I don't want you to.
It's not going to work.
I know we really like each other but it's not quite enough.
I know we both like penne, but if I'm honest, I'm not sure I only want penne.
I want to go to Thailand and eat noodles and meet people and quite possibly hump some of those people if I feel like it.
And you should too.
And do you really love me or are you just scared of losing me because it's not quite the same thing? So maybe we should just pack it in.
.
while I still like-slash-love you.
Cos if we fight it out till the end then by the time we leave uni, we might not even be Facebook friends and I really want to know you for the rest of your life.
So let's just give ourselves a break, shall we? Yeah.
OK.
Bang.
Another cupboard done.
Bang.
Onto the next cupboard.
I fucking love cleaning.
And I need you more than want you God, I'm horny.
What's in it for me? Sell it to me.
Normally, WE vet candidates, rather than have the candidates vet us.
Oh, right.
Typical politician, twisting everything around.
Are you familiar with our policies? You need to be able to articulate why people should vote for us.
Oh, right.
So, it's all about good grammar and elocution lessons.
I should join the Tories, is that what you're saying? I'm not saying that.
Now you're twisting MY words.
Am I? Or are YOU twisting my words? No.
You're twisting my words.
You see, this is why everyone thinks Blair's a cunt.
Forget it.
Obviously, I've got a problem with the whole anti-Europe thing cos I like to go to Amsterdam a lot.
Also, I hate everything about you.
I just came in to have a go.
Plus, I love KFC.
Guessing that's a bit of a deal-breaker? Nah.
Candice, um I have something to ask you.
Would you be interested in getting me a yogurt from the fridge? Can't you just get it yourself? Yes.
This is the drawing room.
There's a lot of slugs, but don't worry, I'll kill them.
And the shower's blocked.
Pubes.
Howard's probably.
But don't worry.
I'll, er, de-pube it.
TV, it's got a wok in it.
I'll probably chuck the TV.
Might keep the wok.
What's going on? I'm selling the house.
What? That's right.
I'm selling the house.
This shitty university is full of people that don't care about me.
So, from now on, I'm all about number one.
So, how's that going to be different? Kindly pass the eviction notice on to Josie and He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named aka He-Who-Is-A-Massive-Shithead.
They're on day two of their relationship summit.
I overheard Kingsley doing that strangulated gargling thing he does when he's very stressed.
It does not bode well.
Good.
Well, I hope that she dumps him, he kills himself and then she takes a piss on his corpse because THAT is what he deserves.
Well, I'll be union president, so I'll be getting paid and probably renting somewhere.
Well, no.
I'll be president of the union.
You, er, don't mind if I roach a little bit of your postcard, do you? All right, Vod.
You've had your fun.
It's all a big joke.
Ah-ha, ah-ha-ha.
But we both know that you're not going to go through with this.
You don't stand a chance.
You think I'm an idiot, don't you? Well, if I'm an idiot how come we're so close in the surveys? Polls.
They're called polls.
Whatever.
And it's not exactly MORI.
It's a website run by a man who calls himself David Dimbledick and uses a picture of a penis as a swingometer.
No-one will actually vote for you.
No-one.
Oh, right.
What about you, Candice? You'll vote for me, won't you? No.
Why not? You don't have any policies.
Yeah, I do.
Cheap chips.
You have one policy.
I don't think one policy is enough.
What about you, Japes? You'll vote for me, right? No.
Because? Because you owe me £1,000 in back rent.
Howard! Democracy is an illusion.
I WILL be taking part in its ritualistic charade, but only in order to spoil my ballot paper which I will do by making lists of contemporary human rights abuses, such as Facebook's privacy settings.
Hey, babe, would you like some juice? Oh, I'd love some.
Can I get you some cereal? Aw, hun, thanks! God, isn't he great? Right.
What's happening? Nothing.
We're just happy.
Oh.
So, you broke up? Hey, what about Sexy Mike? Didn't you quite like Sexy Mike? Oh, God, yeah.
And Big Dick Mike.
Oh, God, yeah.
Who could forget Big Dick Mike? I don't know cos I certainly haven't.
What about those girls in the record store? You liked them, didn't you? "Watch out, ladies.
The Pussyman's on the prowl!" Ha! Yeah.
Rrrrr! What the hairy hell is going on? Nothing.
No biggie.
We've just decided to have an open relationship.
Oh.
So, you're available? I know it sounds incredibly bohemian and, well, actually, it is.
But we'll still be going out.
We can just see other people if we want.
So, you're available? It's like, why would you have the same dinner over and over again when you could sample a range of items from the sex mezze? Hmm.
Interesting.
Like a kind of genital all-you-can-eat.
Obviously, we're going to fancy other people.
That's natural.
We're young.
That doesn't go away until you're, like, I dunno, 29.
So, we're doing the whole Scandinavian thing.
What, serial killing? Being free.
You should not be messing with this.
This is black-belt screw-jitsu.
Have you written up the rules? We don't need rules.
So, you're definitely available? Although I did say one rule should be that Josie can't sleep with JP.
Yeah, you do need rules cos otherwise it's fucking carnage.
It gets all, "He's fucking her so I'm fucking him.
" "He's having a threesome with two other girls.
Right.
"I'm having two threesomes with four other blokes.
" And before you know it, one of you is blowing a donkey in a car park full of truckers.
You need rules.
What's going on? The open relationship.
I'd like to apply for a position.
Er, it doesn't really work like that.
Please, hear me out.
Take a seat.
I've prepared a brief PowerPoint presentation.
What? Accessibility.
I live only metres away from your bed which means, due to my unique position within the market place, I can respond to your demands almost immediately.
I can be in your bedroom, naked, in 18 seconds.
That is pretty quick.
Familiarity.
We've had sex before.
We already have a good working relationship.
Reliability.
I orgasm or my money back? I can be trusted to deliver a quality product, even under trying circumstances or on a tight deadline.
I've got a proven track record.
Compatibility.
I have a cock.
You have a vagina.
My cock works in your vagina.
Therefore, I am Josie-compatible.
Forbidden Fruit.
Kingsley says we can't have sex with each other which is all the more reason to have sex with each other because as we all know, forbidden fruit tastes the fruitiest.
So, in conclusion, I think that me and you are the perfect match.
We're like Fortnum and Mason or gull's eggs and celery salt.
So, I think if you drill down into my proposal you'll find there really is no downside.
Thank you.
Look, I'm touched by your PowerPoint presentation.
What girl wouldn't be? But I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no.
That slide only really works if you'd said yes.
Candice I know I have missed my opportunity to be with you because I am stupid and pathetic and a coward and self-destructive and I was rude to you about the party when I shouldn't have been, but the fact is I actually like you a lot.
So would you please not kiss Goth Gary outside my window.
We weren't kissing.
His lip-ring got caught on my earring.
I thought you were having a long, erotic kiss.
No.
We were having a long, un-erotic tussle, followed by a very short, un-erotic tearing of my ear cartilage.
But you are going out? No.
I thought about it, but it didn't seem right.
Then Then would you go out with me? Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
I'd like that.
OK.
Great.
I don't know what to do now so I'm going to go back in my room.
Seriously, were you dropped on your head as a child? I'm not some hick from Didsbury or Timperley.
I'm from London where they have all the jobs and the money.
You know, London, where they film the helicopter shots for The Apprentice and they film the rest of The Apprentice.
My point is, I know about business, so sort it out.
Jacket potato, please.
With cheese.
Yes, I have taken the wok out of the television which means now it's time that you up keep your end of the bargain and get me some viewings.
Goodbye.
J-penis, How goes it? I'm standing as the Tory candidate.
The first steps on the inevitable road to Number Ten.
Well, not sure I want a career in politics, really.
But it keeps the old man happy.
Well, of course I can count on your vote.
No.
Sorry, what's that? I thought for a moment you said, "No.
" That's right.
I don't do anything for anyone any more.
I'm all about number one.
Dude, that is EXACTLY why I'm standing.
I represent everyone who's only interested in themselves.
Can't talk.
Got a potato.
Laters.
But No! I can get another ticket to Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds.
I thought, bit of a novelty, you might like to come.
Yeah.
Um, I dunno because you know I don't like your music.
Yeah, just give it a try.
Have a listen.
What do you think? I don't like it.
It's only just started.
Oh, I still don't like it.
Wait till the chorus kicks in.
I don't like it.
Why don't you like it? It sounds like something that would be played at a hobo's funeral by other hobos.
Um, let me play you another track.
Yeah, OK.
This is better.
See? But I don't like it.
Um, please don't make me go.
I will self-harm.
Thanks for asking, though.
Are you interested in safeguarding the student hardship fund? Because you should be.
I mean, I don't want to sound overly earnest or hectoring, but this is a serious issue and you need to engage with it.
We need to enter into a dialogue and have a mature debate.
Wanker.
Hi, Oregon.
Oh.
How's it going? Great.
Really great.
I think I'm really connecting with people.
I'm hearing a lot of people are saying they're going to vote for Vod.
Vod is a joke candidate.
Ignore her.
Oregon, you have to take Vod seriously.
What? That? THAT'S not the problem.
THIS is the problem.
Vod is God! Oh, shit.
Vod is God! Right.
Ask me another question.
Is binge drinking in the union a concern and if so, what do you propose to do about it? Cheap chips.
Another.
If there was a conflict between the union and the university when you were in charge, how would you resolve it? Cheap chips.
Yeah, we don't really need to rehearse any more, not if you're going to say the same thing to every question.
Hey.
So, did you find anyone to go with? No.
Can you believe that? Yes.
Yes, I can.
So, are you still going to go? Well, yeah, obviously.
This is Nick Cave we're talking about, not Beady Eye.
Yeah, listen, by the way Sam will be there.
Obviously, we're not going together.
She's going.
I'm going.
We're just two people going to the same place at the same time.
But we're going separately.
Although even if we were going together, we're in an open relationship, so it'd be fine.
But nothing's going to happen, so it's doubly fine and, um, I think it's fine so Do you think it's fine? Yeah.
I guess it's fine.
Oh, great.
God, we're being so mature, aren't we? So, are you enjoying the date? Are you going to say anything on the date? I'm scared to, in case I ruin the date.
You're going to ruin the date if you don't say anything.
I'm not an improviser.
I don't riff.
I couldn't even name you an improviser off the top of my head.
Eddie Izzard? I don't know what to say.
We could do some flirting? Yes! OK, then.
You look nice.
So do you.
So, that's flirting done, then! Tick.
Tick.
What next? Um, we could maybe go for an ironic public display of affection? Tick.
Tick.
We're on a roll.
What next? Maybe I could invite you back to my place for a coffee? Like Joey from Friends.
I don't know who that is.
What is the most important issue facing the student union today? Two words.
Cheap chips.
Cheap chips! I disagree with that totally.
Oh, here we go.
I've done a costing of Vod's cheap chips policy and it doesn't add up.
If as she proposes, she reduces the price of French fries, curly fries, Denver fries, spicy wedges by 50%, this will cost the union £500 a day.
That's Vod's room.
Vod's hot, but I don't think we're ever going to bang now.
Oregon's room.
Also hot.
Although again, somehow we're never going to bang.
That's Josie's room.
Again, hot.
And lovely.
Sometimes I wonder whether we'll end up living together in Notting Hill.
Me as Chancellor of the Exchequer, her as the daughter of a seamstress done good.
I think she might be my Kate Middleton.
I love candles.
They're so romantic.
I have them in case of earthquakes or meteor strikes or local authority mismanagement.
Oh.
I think I just stood on a snail.
OK.
Just, er, wait there.
Don't move.
Don't leave.
Or don't break-up with me.
What are you doing? Just putting some more salt down around the bed so the slugs can't get in.
OK.
Now we can go back to being romantic.
I want you to give me everything.
Yes.
Of course.
Meaning? I want to do it in all the positions.
Missionary, modified missionary, non-missionary, everything.
OK.
Listen, I've got a request as well.
Erm, can we do it twice? For the first time, can we do it as a kind of throat clearer, a rough sketch of, you know, the areas you've just proposed.
And then, you know, just get it out the way, then have a breather and then do it again, but this time, do it with proper colouring in or a fairly detailed cross-hatching of said areas at least.
Sounds good.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
Then let battle commence.
And this is me This is my house flag.
It's a trident with dongs for prongs.
The big dong is mine, obviously.
Then that's Kingsley's and the weird, wonky, little, misshapen one is Howard's.
I painted that at the beginning of term.
I was happy then.
We were friends then.
I should go.
Don't go.
I'm going to go.
Although, I could stay.
I am in an open relationship.
Exactly.
You're in an open relationship.
She texted me to say she was going round Noah's house, but she hasn't texted me to say what she's doing at Noah's house.
I mean, what if she's sleeping with him right now? Shouldn't she tell me that? So, she should text you during sex? "I'm humping someone else right now.
Smiley face, smiley face, O face.
" Well, no, obviously not that.
Although, maybe it could be that.
Or she could text me just before.
"Can you just hold that erection "cos I have to text my boyfriend you have an erection?" That sort of thing? I just think it would be good to know.
I'm thinking I won't sleep with you because she might not sleep with Noah.
I don't want to hurt her feelings.
But if she does sleep with Noah, I probably DO need to sleep with you so I don't hurt her feelings.
The key to making an open relationship work is communication.
You do realise you're saying this all out loud? Yeah.
I'm not taking anything for granted.
It's just, I like you and you like me and we're definitely in a position to explore that more, if you want to and I want to and I think I probably do want to, if you want to.
OK.
I still haven't heard from her, so I'm going to assume she is sleeping with Noah.
Which is fine.
Totally fine.
So, why don't I come back to yours? 'You have no new messages.
' Josie? What's the matter? Everything's just falling apart.
Don't worry.
I've taken the house off the market.
I'm not selling it.
I don't mean like that.
Everything's falling apart with Kingsley.
He's sleeping with Sam.
I hate him.
Do you want to chip? No.
Go on have a chip.
No, I don't want a chip.
Chips are great.
They're made of chopped up unicorns and have magical properties and solve all the world's problems.
Why won't you answer my question? Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it? Why did you pick on me? I didn't pick on YOU, I picked on your policies.
They're stupid.
Are you saying I'm stupid? Is that what you're saying? What is this really about? I'm pissed off because I care about this and you don't give a shit.
You're going to abandon it, just like you abandon everything else, just like you abandoned your husband, just like you abandoned your mum and just like you abandoned me on holiday.
Oh, my God.
Are you still going on about the holiday?! So, I got off with a hot Mexican guy and left you on your own for a bit.
I mean, what is the big deal? You're my wingman.
I'm not your wingman.
And I'm not your sidekick.
And if this carries on, maybe I'm not your friend.
Bit harsh.
So, the PowerPoint worked then? What?! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The PowerPoint worked.
The PowerPoint totally worked.
And now, I want a different kind of PowerPoint, the PowerPoint in your pants.
I must warn you that kind of talk massively turns me on.
Yeah? Good.
Well, hump me with your PowerPoint.
Oh, yeah! I will.
I will hump you with my PowerPoint.
'You have no new messages.
'Press one to return to the menu.
' Should we? Er, yeah.
I mean, I want to.
Do I? No, I do! No, no, no.
You're right.
I can't I can't do this.
But you've got a massive erection.
Yes, I do.
No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
What the hell is wrong with me?! Shit.
What if I told you that I don't think I can do this? Um, well, I'd feel frustrated and horny and angry and guilty but yeah, maybe for the best.
God.
Maybe we could just diddle each other.
No, you're right.
We can't even diddle each other.
God, having a conscience is so shit.
It's like being Catholic.
Or a woman.
Fucking awful.
No offence.
Morning.
I thought you'd left.
Why would I do that? I don't know.
By the way, you've got a slug on your bum.
Of course.
Suddenly, everyone wants a piece of my hot ass.
So, breakfast or sex? Hmm.
And now with her final statement, Violet Nordstrom, Independent Cheap Chips Party.
Yeah, so there's some new policies that I want to talk about.
If I get elected, I will be burning all the books in the library, starting with the men, but then doing all the women as well.
Wankers.
I I'll be banging CCTV into every dorm and then publishing a weekly report of who's screwing who, just for a laugh.
What the fuck are you doing? I'm trying to get me NOT elected, so you can get elected, dickhead.
Oh.
Well Right.
Thanks.
Um Seriously though, what do I need to do get them to stop liking me? Take a shit on the pool table? Two words - homophobic rant.
Right.
Don't forget about the election.
I'm cleaning the house so that we can have a party for the winner.
But first, I'm going to be snorting a schnozz-full of grade A Colombian gack, then scrubbing this mother down.
Feel free to have some if you want.
Thanks.
I'll just stick to toast.
OK.
OK.
What about this? I will take down all the disabled ramps.
Yeah! Fuck, yeah! Am I allowed to vote for another candidate? No? All right.
Here goes.
My last policy is one for the gays.
This is what I think about the gays.
So, you didn't do anything with Sam? No.
I mean, I could have done, obviously.
But then I just thought, "Is it worth it? "No, it's not worth it.
" And you didn't do anything with Noah? With Noah? God no.
That was never going to happen.
Great.
So everything's fine.
We're all fine.
We can just go back to normal.
Yeah.
Except everything's not fine, is it? Well, maybe we just need to do something to keep things fresh.
We could have a threesome or get into open-air sex.
That's not the answer.
Or we could try chastity.
The concept, I mean.
Not Chastity from your course.
Kingsley, listen to yourself.
Marriage, followed by marriage counselling.
We could move to New Zealand and start a farm.
Or we could do that thing from Germany where one of you eats a bit of the other one.
Yeah, that well-known way of saving a relationship, by eating your way out of trouble.
I love you.
I'm going to do whatever it takes to make this work.
I will shave off my soul patch.
I will stop eating penne.
Or carrying on eating penne.
Whichever it is you want me to do.
And I will listen to Mumford and Sons with you and I will not make sarcastic remarks and I will not dance ironically and I will do everything you want and I will make you happy and we will buy a house overlooking the Gower Peninsula and we'll have two kids and we'll grow old together and sit in the sun in our garden and hold hands till we're 90 and we'll be in love and we'll be happy.
OK.
And THAT is what I would do to the gays if I was elected.
Wow.
I mean, wow.
I totally agree with that.
I would never say that out loud.
I mean, this is the problem with modern politics.
There are no personalities any more.
No racist or homophobic personalities.
So, if there's no questions that's it.
Cheers.
Give me that! I can't believe you did that for me.
Yeah, it's a pretty weird act of friendship.
You will still need an ents manager, right? Yeah.
One who gets paid in free beer, yeah? Yeah.
Although that might be tricky because now you have a reputation as a homophobe.
Thanks for your patience.
The results will be in any moment.
Oh, hi.
You OK? Yeah.
You seem quiet? I'm fine.
Hey.
I've only gone and taken the house off the market.
I'm a fucking hero and I'm not just saying that because I've done a shed load of coke.
I mean, I have done a shed load of coke, but I am a hero anyway.
Quick one about that.
Is it obvious that I've done a shed load of coke? Cos, I mean, I have.
Actually, don't even bother answering that because even if it is obvious, I don't fucking care.
Look, have I ruined things between you and Kingsley? No, you haven't ruined anything cos you didn't DO anything, remember? Ah, gotcha.
Oh, my God.
Look.
It's Sam.
Right.
I'm going to talk to Sam.
Well, I wouldn't if I were you.
Mate, seriously, if there's one thing people on coke are good at, it's talking to people.
As long as I'm not required to listen, this can't go wrong.
Hey, Sam.
I need to talk to you.
JP, I know I'm amazing, but you need to get over me.
Yeah.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
I think that you are totally and utterly amazing.
And I'm not just saying that because I've done a fuckload of coke.
I HAVE done a fuckload of coke so I should probably mention that straight up.
But basically, I've realised that we weren't in love.
What we had was not love because, yeah, I loved you, but you didn't love me and when two people are actually in love, that's hard enough to stay in love.
If one of us didn't love the other, it can't have been love and I'm genuinely sorry because I think I got a little bit obsessed and maybe started projecting some feelings about you that weren't about you.
I'm really sorry and I know this sounds like it's the coke talking and it definitely is the coke talking, but I do also mean it.
Thank you.
Right.
Were you just coming on to me? No.
Good.
OK.
Yeah.
I mean, I knew that.
I was just checking.
Look, I know you like Howard.
But look at all the problems that Kingsley and Josie have had.
Maybe don't shit where you eat? We're already going out.
Oh, er Oh, er Well, then congratulations.
Homophobe.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Just had a very hot dyke having a go at me.
But I gave her my number and I think she's going to educate me.
So it is all good.
OK.
The results are in.
Before I go into a breakdown of the voting, I can say we have a clear winner and it is my pleasure to announce that Oregon Shawcross is duly elected.
Get it! We are the overlords! Fuck all the other candidates.
Especially you, Labour! Woo! Just to give you a heads up, the union is in major debt.
So, no money for cheap chips? No money for anything.
And as well as the debt, we are facing legal action from the NUS for gross mismanagement.
Congratulations on your win.
It's your problem now.
You knew this all along? YOU told me to run.
You fucking set me up! Yeah.
I don't really like you.
Oh, shit.
Relax.
Don't sweat it.
I'll book a load of fucking cool bands to keep everyone's spirits up while YOU cut the essential services.
What's my budget? No, don't even tell me.
Sort it out later.
What am I going to do? Don't panic.
Just keep drinking.
Fancy an early night? What's the matter? You know what the matter is.
Please don't say it.
I have to.
I don't want you to.
It's not going to work.
I know we really like each other but it's not quite enough.
I know we both like penne, but if I'm honest, I'm not sure I only want penne.
I want to go to Thailand and eat noodles and meet people and quite possibly hump some of those people if I feel like it.
And you should too.
And do you really love me or are you just scared of losing me because it's not quite the same thing? So maybe we should just pack it in.
.
while I still like-slash-love you.
Cos if we fight it out till the end then by the time we leave uni, we might not even be Facebook friends and I really want to know you for the rest of your life.
So let's just give ourselves a break, shall we? Yeah.
OK.
Bang.
Another cupboard done.
Bang.
Onto the next cupboard.
I fucking love cleaning.
And I need you more than want you God, I'm horny.