Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s03e22 Episode Script
This Is Us
1 Yeah [KRS-ONE's "Step Into A World" plays.]
Step into a world Where there's no Eighth grade done, son.
I made it.
[Music stops.]
Can you do that again for the camera? [Scoffs.]
No, man.
And put that away.
The graduation ceremony is over.
The end of another school year.
[Door closes.]
I'm have to say, I'm starting to think moving to Orlando was a good idea.
We've been here for three years.
Eddie finished middle school It's been a long haul since starting on that Wednesday.
Cattleman's is going great Well, pretty soon Golden Saddle will be copying me copying them.
And I just got my biggest listing yet A house in Gulf Mist Estates.
That fancy gated community? Damn, woman.
Right? We should celebrate.
Turn on the A.
C.
[Gasps.]
- Evan: Yes.
- O-oh! We're doing it, Jessica We're living the American dream, just like the landlord! Quick, hide your grandmother! You still haven't added her to the lease? No, it's 100 extra bucks a month.
Are you gonna pay it? Move, move! Put her in the pantry! Go, go, go, go! Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Another debate team victory.
I still haven't heard one good reason why we shouldn't have capital punishment.
You'll never sell me on the electric chair.
That power bill must be so high.
I have to make a quick stop to meet my new client.
By all means, by all means.
Whoa.
This place looks nice.
- Eddie Murphy's mistress lives here.
- Oh.
We've had a lot of trouble trying to sell this place.
It's a tough market for high-end real estate.
I'll still find you a buyer.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
I like your debate blazer.
The gold buttons whisper power instead of shouting it.
It's actually my everyday blazer.
I go to St.
Orlando's Prep.
Private school Do you love it? I bet you love it.
I love it.
Every two years, they refresh all of the library books so the pages are always crisp.
Girl.
For real.
My mom's a librarian there.
Did I mention they give us briefcases? They have uniforms, an amazing debate team a science lab that is an actual lab.
They even line up for the water fountain, unlike the savages at my school.
[All kids shouting.]
Girl: [Screams.]
Can I please go to St.
Orlando's next year, Mommy? "Saint"? Sounds expensive.
But I really want to be with a higher echelon of people.
Did you just learn the world "echelon"? Yes, and I would have learned it sooner if I went to St.
Orlando's.
Private school is a waste of money.
It's for parents who outsource their discipline.
But the private-school kids call each other "Chum"! I don't need to pay people to push you guys to succeed.
[Sighs.]
I already do that myself.
The Menendez brothers went to private school, and look what happened to them.
Who are they? Doesn't matter.
The important thing is they didn't get away with it.
Check out my new weapon against the scourge of dead palm fronds My telescopic pruner.
- Mm! Heh.
- [Laughs.]
I'll tell ya.
The right tool can make yard work a hoot.
[Laughs.]
I've always dreamed of owning a sit-down lawn mower.
I'd cut grass, reenact scenes from "Can't Buy Me Love" Well, do it.
Your restaurant's doing well.
You can afford one.
My yard doesn't belong to me.
I rent.
I can't pluck a dandelion without hearing about it from my landlord Murray.
I can't wait to be a homeowner.
A man should own his own house.
Murray's open to selling, but Jessica and I are very strict about our long-term plans.
We agreed for the next three years we reinvest everything into our businesses.
[Crunch.]
Oh, man! That was Honey's favorite flamingo.
She's gonna be P.
O.
'd.
Aw.
[Door bell chimes.]
Hey.
Evan said he'd pay for my manicure if I talked to you about St.
Orlando's.
I'm an alumna I Evan: Will you please hear her out? I know private school is expensive, but we only have to send me.
The "Others" don't need to know.
Come with me.
These are life plans.
I made one for each member of the family, and I update them every five years.
I've mapped out all the classes and experiences you boys need to be successful and lead good lives.
Emery's good at so many things, so I left his career plan open, and I focused on his personal life.
Eddie's plan was easy because the goal was simple.
Yeah And here is your plan.
I've thought of everything.
- I've already seen these boards.
- What do you mean? I use the garage as a cartwheel zone when I want to express joy in private.
But I wasn't planning on you finding them for another two years.
You're ahead of schedule.
And I'm ahead of everyone in my class, too.
That's why I want to go to St.
Orlando's.
I could just give you more C.
L.
C.
I've already done all the workbooks Even the French one.
[Speaks French.]
Jessica: You have five minutes to convince me why private school's better for my son than public school.
I'll only need four.
Eddie: Emery, that squirrel was on the porch again.
We need to bean him in the head with your marbles.
[Mouse clicking.]
- Is that a Pentium II? - Yep.
I borrowed it form the A/V club for the summer.
Check it out, I'm editing your graduation video.
We are gathered to say goodbye [Voice breaking.]
to the glass of 1997.
Whoa, it's like "Pop Up Video"! Isn't it cool? As the great Boyz II Men once said, "It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
" - [Clicks.]
- So funny, right? Sure.
Snack break You guys want anything? You know we do.
You guys want to have some fun? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Lou, I've been thinking about what you said.
About dandelions? I know.
I regret sharing that with you.
It felt very personal.
No, no, no.
About you wanting to own your own house.
I have a friend that can help you free up some cash.
He's outside right now waiting for my signal.
Now! [Soft music plays.]
Oh, my God.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Michael Bolton.
[Chuckles nervously, clears throat.]
Um, what are you doing here? Recording my new album in Orlando.
I got to be in Florida 183 days out of the year for tax purposes.
Savvy in and out of the studio.
[Chuckles.]
I've got a proposal for you.
Do you know how many women would kill to hear me say that? So many women! My wife for one.
[Chuckles.]
Jessica: I already pay taxes for public school.
Why would I spend an extra four grand a year on private.
Well, first of all, St.
Orlando's is a year-round school.
No summer vacation? I could just stick my kids in public summer school for free.
Certainly, but half the kids are forced to be there because they're, forgive me, "Dum-dums.
" Is that really what you want? Well, what I don't want is to help pay for your school's football program.
There's no football here.
We teach only the "Networking" sports Golf, squash, birding.
That's great.
But I'm sure the teachers here are just as lazy.
Oh, we don't have teachers.
We hire specialists in their field.
We call them "Consultants.
" - Continue.
- We're private, so we can easily fire any underperforming consultants.
[Exhales sharply.]
Did I mention that 99% of our students go on to Ivy League schools? The other 1% go straight to med school.
The first step to doctor-president.
We have relationships with all the top universities.
We send more kids to Harvard than any other school in Orlando.
And with a student who is already academically strong, like your son? We could send him into the stratosphere.
The astronaut holding the camera is also a St.
Orlando's alum.
One tuition, please.
Yes! Goodbye, Mommy.
Tell the family I'll see them in six months.
W-We're not a boarding school.
Ah.
I'll pay for everything but P.
E.
Evan can just learn tennis from his brother.
We can't do that.
Okay, fine.
I'll pay for P.
E.
, but no English.
He gets that free from life.
We don't offer private school a la carte.
I'll pay the whole year up front, but you have to give me a substantial early-bird discount.
It's not that simple.
First your son must be accepted into this school.
There is an application.
Okay, sure.
Whatever.
I'll fill it out right now.
It's more involved than that.
We need letters of recommendation, transcripts, an interview.
We're highly selective.
But Diversity.
Oh, we don't have to worry about that here.
We're private.
So, I have to earn the privilege to pay your ridiculous tuition? If my son doesn't get into Harvard, I want a full refund.
Headmaster.
You want to buy my restaurant? Well, I've already conquered music, and it's time to diversify my brand.
And Kenny Rogers is doing so well with his chicken restaurants So well.
He never lets you forget.
I carry this around with me just to give me motivation.
[Sleigh bells jingle.]
Hmm.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Well, I'm flattered, but my restaurant's not for sale.
I moved my whole family down here for this, put a lot of work into it.
I built it from nothing.
What if I come in as a silent partner? You could still run the day-to-day, I'd get a stake of the company, and you get a big cash infusion.
Which you can use to buy your house.
Ayy! Hmm.
That does sound like a good deal.
But Jessica and I have a rule We don't deviate from our life plan.
And it's worked out well for us so far.
[Sighs.]
Sorry, but the answer is no.
[Exhales sharply.]
Michael, I am so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
I'm s I don't know what happened.
It's okay.
It was worth a shot.
How do you guys even know each other? Oh, I did some emergency dental work on him during his Time, Love & Tenderness tour.
Oh.
I slipped on a bouquet of white roses.
[Computer bleeps.]
[Laughter.]
Dave: It's not funny, dude.
- - [Laughter.]
I always wear underwear.
Look.
Oh.
No.
Never mind.
What's going on? We're turning your boring gradation video into gold.
- - [Laughter.]
- - [Laughter.]
- - [Laughter.]
- - [Laughter.]
Trent, I can't believe you're a Sparrow Scout.
That's so lame.
I know how to filet a trout.
What can you filet? You know I don't eat anything that has a mama.
- [Computer bleeps.]
- Brian: Wait, what? What the hell is this? - - [Laughter.]
Who wrote this bubble? Who thinks this? No, I want to know.
We should probably update this to include private school.
Should I get the Wite-Out? In this family, we don't hide mistakes.
We look at them, feel shame, and never talk about them again.
Hey, what are you guys doing out here? I'm just showing Evan our life plans.
Oh, great.
You know, I was just thinking about how well we've done with those.
Yes, because we're very strict about sticking to the plan.
Uh, we sure are.
[Laughs.]
Never stray no matter what.
Otherwise, what's the point of a plan, right? Right.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, Evan, I don't know if your mom mentioned this, but I did all the collage work.
I didn't.
I didn't.
Hmm.
You're not gonna tell him about private school? Not yet.
Let's get you in first.
If I'm gonna stray from the plan, it can't be for just a "Maybe.
" [Notorious B.
I.
G.
's "Mo Money Mo Problems" plays.]
Evan got a kangaroo sticker in math.
Does kangaroo mean "A"? We don't believe in letter grades.
Well, St.
Orlando's does, so if you had to say what grade a kangaroo represents, would you say "A"? I'd say a "B.
" Can't no PhD hold me down "A"? Now I know my duty Stay humble, stay low, blow like Hootie Your daughter attends St.
Orlando's, right? As the parent of a current student, I need you to sign this letter of recommendation I wrote for my son.
I will if you lower your commission.
It's like the mo' money we come across The mo' problems we see You're an alumna of St.
Orlando's, right? I need you to sign this letter of recommendation I wrote for my son.
Oh, I really can't sign anything with my nails so jacked up.
I'm the D to the A to the D-D-Y I Know you'd rather see me die than to see me fly I call all the shots, rip all the spots Rock all the rocks, cop all the drops So we agree.
We pool our graduation money so we can turn this driveway into a gym.
We'll have all summer to get ripped.
We show up to high school yoked out, and people will think we're sophomores.
I know a great preacher curl workout.
Two of my sisters work at GNC, so I can hook us up with some creatine.
It's really coming together.
My step-brother has the video.
- What? - I took it home last night to work on some more mean bubbles about you guys, and he found it in my room.
That dude is a tool.
He's gonna show the tape to everyone.
It won't matter how buff I am when we start school if people know I'm a Sparrow Scout.
People will think I want to do it with a tree.
I'm ruined.
I was gonna go out for football.
I just want your support on this.
Which part, man? We have to get that tape back.
We can't start high school as losers.
This is the interview portion of our process.
We just have a few questions to ask you.
It's my pleasure.
So, Evan, what's a current item in the news that interests you? Sheep cloning.
I think it would be a boon for the sweater industry.
Who do you admire? Whom do I admire? Why are you interested in our school? I'd come for your blazers, but I'd stay for your International Baccalaureate program.
Tell me about your family.
They're all good eggs.
We rent a house in North Orlando, my parents run a steakhouse.
We're just your typical American family who's overcome incredible odds to achieve big dreams.
[Chuckles.]
Well, that's all of our questions.
No red flags.
[Inhales sharply.]
We'll be in touch with you very soon.
[Whispering.]
Hey, great job.
Evan, it's here.
It's so big! That means they're sending us parking instructions, reading lists, bumper stickers for the car "Dear Mr.
Huang, sorry to inform you that" The hell?! Oh, you didn't get in? And they still sent us these? How could you not get in? You have perfect grades, you killed your interview, and there is no way they could tie you back to Eddie.
Well, I guess they don't think I belong in their echelon.
No.
Someone made a mistake.
[Knocks at door.]
You messed up, Deidre.
Evan didn't get into St.
Orlando's.
It was your letter of recommendation.
Uh, you mean the one that you wrote and I just signed? W It was not a strong signature! It tapered off at the end, conveying doubt.
Jessica, look, private schools are picky.
Unless your family has gone there for generations, or you're the child of someone who works there, there's really no guarantee.
But Evan is overqualified.
How could they reject him? Maybe it's not him.
Maybe it's you.
These schools don't just evaluate the student.
They evaluate the whole family.
Why would my family be rejected? We're doing great.
We live in a good neighborhood, we own our own restaurant Word in the birding community St.
Orlando's saw you as renters who work in the service industry.
And I heard sometimes you hide you mother-in-law in the pantry? Mm.
[Car door closes.]
Murray, what are you doing here? I already sent you this month's rent.
Ah, just inspecting my property, and I happen to notice that there's some damage to the driveway which I'm gonna have to charge you for.
Did you have an above-ground pool out here or something? We did not.
And I notice that the lawn looks a little different.
Have you been tampering with it? What? No.
Well, someone's been weeding this yard, 'cause I don't see any dandelions.
You know they help indicate whether the grass is getting enough moisture, so someone better not be messing with them.
[Inhales sharply.]
You know what, Murray? I did pick the dandelions.
I picked 10 dandelions, and I made 10 wishes, and you know what they all were? To own my own house.
You know, you don't have to keep making the same wish over and over.
God hears you after the first one.
[Sighs.]
[Video plays, Tyler laughs.]
Are you sure your step-brother's only 16? No.
Tyler could be 30.
I don't know much about him.
I'm just gonna go talk to him, young man to young man Ask him to remember what it was like when he was a freshman, how hard it was starting high school when all you have is your friends and how I'm asking, as Brian's friend, for that tape back.
[Inspirational music plays.]
Well, that'll never work.
Yeah, put that in the "Stupid idea" file.
You guys are too quick with that file.
I don't know why my "Poison him" idea is in there.
Unless someone comes up with a better plan, I'm going in.
[Door opens, closes.]
[Laughs.]
[Knocks at door.]
Mom, I don't want any muesli.
I recognize you from the video.
Your pop-up said you ate string cheese that fell in the gutter.
It was lying on a bed of leaves.
- It was clean.
- What are you doing here? I'm one of your step-brother's friends.
I'm here to talk to you young man to young man, and to ask you to remember what it was like when you were a freshman [Glass shatters.]
- What the hell? - Get the tape! Poison him before you leave! Nope.
Nope.
What's this two-tone one? They're all the same, Michael.
Okay, let's do it.
Is my receptionist not out there? Rebecca! I don't care if it's not in my life plan.
I can't be a renter anymore.
I need to own my house, so I'll sell you a stake in the restaurant and take you on as a partner.
And together, we'll destroy Kenny Rogers.
That's more your thing, but I like that you're motivated by revenge.
My wife will love that.
[All chuckling.]
Mom, I've had time to think about it, and it's gonna be okay.
I thought you said you weren't feeling challenged in your regular school.
And I'll make that my new challenge.
I'll do extra C.
L.
C.
, audit some junior college classes, take an immersion trip to Montreal to work on my French.
Michael Bolton offered me a partnership deal for the restaurant, and I think we should take it.
What? I know it means straying from our life plan, but we should make exceptions for good opportunities.
I want to own our house, and this deal will let us do that.
You're right.
Maybe we can be less strict with our plans.
But we're not buying this house.
We'd like to buy your house.
You want to buy this house? But with one stipulation.
You get our son into St.
Orlando's.
Your wife works there, right? She gets our son in, you've sold your house.
We can work something out.
I'm going to private school! I'm not in the garage, but screw it! [Chuckles.]
Are we sure about this? You want to own your own home, I want Evan in private school.
Michael Bolton will get us both.
Dave: We did it! We got the tape back.
Are you gonna get in trouble for throwing a rock through your stepbrother's window? Eh, if things get heated I can always fake a seizure.
Guys, we're entering high school on a win.
Things are gonna be okay.
Step into a world Where there's no Eighth grade done, son.
I made it.
[Music stops.]
Can you do that again for the camera? [Scoffs.]
No, man.
And put that away.
The graduation ceremony is over.
The end of another school year.
[Door closes.]
I'm have to say, I'm starting to think moving to Orlando was a good idea.
We've been here for three years.
Eddie finished middle school It's been a long haul since starting on that Wednesday.
Cattleman's is going great Well, pretty soon Golden Saddle will be copying me copying them.
And I just got my biggest listing yet A house in Gulf Mist Estates.
That fancy gated community? Damn, woman.
Right? We should celebrate.
Turn on the A.
C.
[Gasps.]
- Evan: Yes.
- O-oh! We're doing it, Jessica We're living the American dream, just like the landlord! Quick, hide your grandmother! You still haven't added her to the lease? No, it's 100 extra bucks a month.
Are you gonna pay it? Move, move! Put her in the pantry! Go, go, go, go! Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Another debate team victory.
I still haven't heard one good reason why we shouldn't have capital punishment.
You'll never sell me on the electric chair.
That power bill must be so high.
I have to make a quick stop to meet my new client.
By all means, by all means.
Whoa.
This place looks nice.
- Eddie Murphy's mistress lives here.
- Oh.
We've had a lot of trouble trying to sell this place.
It's a tough market for high-end real estate.
I'll still find you a buyer.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
I like your debate blazer.
The gold buttons whisper power instead of shouting it.
It's actually my everyday blazer.
I go to St.
Orlando's Prep.
Private school Do you love it? I bet you love it.
I love it.
Every two years, they refresh all of the library books so the pages are always crisp.
Girl.
For real.
My mom's a librarian there.
Did I mention they give us briefcases? They have uniforms, an amazing debate team a science lab that is an actual lab.
They even line up for the water fountain, unlike the savages at my school.
[All kids shouting.]
Girl: [Screams.]
Can I please go to St.
Orlando's next year, Mommy? "Saint"? Sounds expensive.
But I really want to be with a higher echelon of people.
Did you just learn the world "echelon"? Yes, and I would have learned it sooner if I went to St.
Orlando's.
Private school is a waste of money.
It's for parents who outsource their discipline.
But the private-school kids call each other "Chum"! I don't need to pay people to push you guys to succeed.
[Sighs.]
I already do that myself.
The Menendez brothers went to private school, and look what happened to them.
Who are they? Doesn't matter.
The important thing is they didn't get away with it.
Check out my new weapon against the scourge of dead palm fronds My telescopic pruner.
- Mm! Heh.
- [Laughs.]
I'll tell ya.
The right tool can make yard work a hoot.
[Laughs.]
I've always dreamed of owning a sit-down lawn mower.
I'd cut grass, reenact scenes from "Can't Buy Me Love" Well, do it.
Your restaurant's doing well.
You can afford one.
My yard doesn't belong to me.
I rent.
I can't pluck a dandelion without hearing about it from my landlord Murray.
I can't wait to be a homeowner.
A man should own his own house.
Murray's open to selling, but Jessica and I are very strict about our long-term plans.
We agreed for the next three years we reinvest everything into our businesses.
[Crunch.]
Oh, man! That was Honey's favorite flamingo.
She's gonna be P.
O.
'd.
Aw.
[Door bell chimes.]
Hey.
Evan said he'd pay for my manicure if I talked to you about St.
Orlando's.
I'm an alumna I Evan: Will you please hear her out? I know private school is expensive, but we only have to send me.
The "Others" don't need to know.
Come with me.
These are life plans.
I made one for each member of the family, and I update them every five years.
I've mapped out all the classes and experiences you boys need to be successful and lead good lives.
Emery's good at so many things, so I left his career plan open, and I focused on his personal life.
Eddie's plan was easy because the goal was simple.
Yeah And here is your plan.
I've thought of everything.
- I've already seen these boards.
- What do you mean? I use the garage as a cartwheel zone when I want to express joy in private.
But I wasn't planning on you finding them for another two years.
You're ahead of schedule.
And I'm ahead of everyone in my class, too.
That's why I want to go to St.
Orlando's.
I could just give you more C.
L.
C.
I've already done all the workbooks Even the French one.
[Speaks French.]
Jessica: You have five minutes to convince me why private school's better for my son than public school.
I'll only need four.
Eddie: Emery, that squirrel was on the porch again.
We need to bean him in the head with your marbles.
[Mouse clicking.]
- Is that a Pentium II? - Yep.
I borrowed it form the A/V club for the summer.
Check it out, I'm editing your graduation video.
We are gathered to say goodbye [Voice breaking.]
to the glass of 1997.
Whoa, it's like "Pop Up Video"! Isn't it cool? As the great Boyz II Men once said, "It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
" - [Clicks.]
- So funny, right? Sure.
Snack break You guys want anything? You know we do.
You guys want to have some fun? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Lou, I've been thinking about what you said.
About dandelions? I know.
I regret sharing that with you.
It felt very personal.
No, no, no.
About you wanting to own your own house.
I have a friend that can help you free up some cash.
He's outside right now waiting for my signal.
Now! [Soft music plays.]
Oh, my God.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Michael Bolton.
[Chuckles nervously, clears throat.]
Um, what are you doing here? Recording my new album in Orlando.
I got to be in Florida 183 days out of the year for tax purposes.
Savvy in and out of the studio.
[Chuckles.]
I've got a proposal for you.
Do you know how many women would kill to hear me say that? So many women! My wife for one.
[Chuckles.]
Jessica: I already pay taxes for public school.
Why would I spend an extra four grand a year on private.
Well, first of all, St.
Orlando's is a year-round school.
No summer vacation? I could just stick my kids in public summer school for free.
Certainly, but half the kids are forced to be there because they're, forgive me, "Dum-dums.
" Is that really what you want? Well, what I don't want is to help pay for your school's football program.
There's no football here.
We teach only the "Networking" sports Golf, squash, birding.
That's great.
But I'm sure the teachers here are just as lazy.
Oh, we don't have teachers.
We hire specialists in their field.
We call them "Consultants.
" - Continue.
- We're private, so we can easily fire any underperforming consultants.
[Exhales sharply.]
Did I mention that 99% of our students go on to Ivy League schools? The other 1% go straight to med school.
The first step to doctor-president.
We have relationships with all the top universities.
We send more kids to Harvard than any other school in Orlando.
And with a student who is already academically strong, like your son? We could send him into the stratosphere.
The astronaut holding the camera is also a St.
Orlando's alum.
One tuition, please.
Yes! Goodbye, Mommy.
Tell the family I'll see them in six months.
W-We're not a boarding school.
Ah.
I'll pay for everything but P.
E.
Evan can just learn tennis from his brother.
We can't do that.
Okay, fine.
I'll pay for P.
E.
, but no English.
He gets that free from life.
We don't offer private school a la carte.
I'll pay the whole year up front, but you have to give me a substantial early-bird discount.
It's not that simple.
First your son must be accepted into this school.
There is an application.
Okay, sure.
Whatever.
I'll fill it out right now.
It's more involved than that.
We need letters of recommendation, transcripts, an interview.
We're highly selective.
But Diversity.
Oh, we don't have to worry about that here.
We're private.
So, I have to earn the privilege to pay your ridiculous tuition? If my son doesn't get into Harvard, I want a full refund.
Headmaster.
You want to buy my restaurant? Well, I've already conquered music, and it's time to diversify my brand.
And Kenny Rogers is doing so well with his chicken restaurants So well.
He never lets you forget.
I carry this around with me just to give me motivation.
[Sleigh bells jingle.]
Hmm.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Well, I'm flattered, but my restaurant's not for sale.
I moved my whole family down here for this, put a lot of work into it.
I built it from nothing.
What if I come in as a silent partner? You could still run the day-to-day, I'd get a stake of the company, and you get a big cash infusion.
Which you can use to buy your house.
Ayy! Hmm.
That does sound like a good deal.
But Jessica and I have a rule We don't deviate from our life plan.
And it's worked out well for us so far.
[Sighs.]
Sorry, but the answer is no.
[Exhales sharply.]
Michael, I am so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
I'm s I don't know what happened.
It's okay.
It was worth a shot.
How do you guys even know each other? Oh, I did some emergency dental work on him during his Time, Love & Tenderness tour.
Oh.
I slipped on a bouquet of white roses.
[Computer bleeps.]
[Laughter.]
Dave: It's not funny, dude.
- - [Laughter.]
I always wear underwear.
Look.
Oh.
No.
Never mind.
What's going on? We're turning your boring gradation video into gold.
- - [Laughter.]
- - [Laughter.]
- - [Laughter.]
- - [Laughter.]
Trent, I can't believe you're a Sparrow Scout.
That's so lame.
I know how to filet a trout.
What can you filet? You know I don't eat anything that has a mama.
- [Computer bleeps.]
- Brian: Wait, what? What the hell is this? - - [Laughter.]
Who wrote this bubble? Who thinks this? No, I want to know.
We should probably update this to include private school.
Should I get the Wite-Out? In this family, we don't hide mistakes.
We look at them, feel shame, and never talk about them again.
Hey, what are you guys doing out here? I'm just showing Evan our life plans.
Oh, great.
You know, I was just thinking about how well we've done with those.
Yes, because we're very strict about sticking to the plan.
Uh, we sure are.
[Laughs.]
Never stray no matter what.
Otherwise, what's the point of a plan, right? Right.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, Evan, I don't know if your mom mentioned this, but I did all the collage work.
I didn't.
I didn't.
Hmm.
You're not gonna tell him about private school? Not yet.
Let's get you in first.
If I'm gonna stray from the plan, it can't be for just a "Maybe.
" [Notorious B.
I.
G.
's "Mo Money Mo Problems" plays.]
Evan got a kangaroo sticker in math.
Does kangaroo mean "A"? We don't believe in letter grades.
Well, St.
Orlando's does, so if you had to say what grade a kangaroo represents, would you say "A"? I'd say a "B.
" Can't no PhD hold me down "A"? Now I know my duty Stay humble, stay low, blow like Hootie Your daughter attends St.
Orlando's, right? As the parent of a current student, I need you to sign this letter of recommendation I wrote for my son.
I will if you lower your commission.
It's like the mo' money we come across The mo' problems we see You're an alumna of St.
Orlando's, right? I need you to sign this letter of recommendation I wrote for my son.
Oh, I really can't sign anything with my nails so jacked up.
I'm the D to the A to the D-D-Y I Know you'd rather see me die than to see me fly I call all the shots, rip all the spots Rock all the rocks, cop all the drops So we agree.
We pool our graduation money so we can turn this driveway into a gym.
We'll have all summer to get ripped.
We show up to high school yoked out, and people will think we're sophomores.
I know a great preacher curl workout.
Two of my sisters work at GNC, so I can hook us up with some creatine.
It's really coming together.
My step-brother has the video.
- What? - I took it home last night to work on some more mean bubbles about you guys, and he found it in my room.
That dude is a tool.
He's gonna show the tape to everyone.
It won't matter how buff I am when we start school if people know I'm a Sparrow Scout.
People will think I want to do it with a tree.
I'm ruined.
I was gonna go out for football.
I just want your support on this.
Which part, man? We have to get that tape back.
We can't start high school as losers.
This is the interview portion of our process.
We just have a few questions to ask you.
It's my pleasure.
So, Evan, what's a current item in the news that interests you? Sheep cloning.
I think it would be a boon for the sweater industry.
Who do you admire? Whom do I admire? Why are you interested in our school? I'd come for your blazers, but I'd stay for your International Baccalaureate program.
Tell me about your family.
They're all good eggs.
We rent a house in North Orlando, my parents run a steakhouse.
We're just your typical American family who's overcome incredible odds to achieve big dreams.
[Chuckles.]
Well, that's all of our questions.
No red flags.
[Inhales sharply.]
We'll be in touch with you very soon.
[Whispering.]
Hey, great job.
Evan, it's here.
It's so big! That means they're sending us parking instructions, reading lists, bumper stickers for the car "Dear Mr.
Huang, sorry to inform you that" The hell?! Oh, you didn't get in? And they still sent us these? How could you not get in? You have perfect grades, you killed your interview, and there is no way they could tie you back to Eddie.
Well, I guess they don't think I belong in their echelon.
No.
Someone made a mistake.
[Knocks at door.]
You messed up, Deidre.
Evan didn't get into St.
Orlando's.
It was your letter of recommendation.
Uh, you mean the one that you wrote and I just signed? W It was not a strong signature! It tapered off at the end, conveying doubt.
Jessica, look, private schools are picky.
Unless your family has gone there for generations, or you're the child of someone who works there, there's really no guarantee.
But Evan is overqualified.
How could they reject him? Maybe it's not him.
Maybe it's you.
These schools don't just evaluate the student.
They evaluate the whole family.
Why would my family be rejected? We're doing great.
We live in a good neighborhood, we own our own restaurant Word in the birding community St.
Orlando's saw you as renters who work in the service industry.
And I heard sometimes you hide you mother-in-law in the pantry? Mm.
[Car door closes.]
Murray, what are you doing here? I already sent you this month's rent.
Ah, just inspecting my property, and I happen to notice that there's some damage to the driveway which I'm gonna have to charge you for.
Did you have an above-ground pool out here or something? We did not.
And I notice that the lawn looks a little different.
Have you been tampering with it? What? No.
Well, someone's been weeding this yard, 'cause I don't see any dandelions.
You know they help indicate whether the grass is getting enough moisture, so someone better not be messing with them.
[Inhales sharply.]
You know what, Murray? I did pick the dandelions.
I picked 10 dandelions, and I made 10 wishes, and you know what they all were? To own my own house.
You know, you don't have to keep making the same wish over and over.
God hears you after the first one.
[Sighs.]
[Video plays, Tyler laughs.]
Are you sure your step-brother's only 16? No.
Tyler could be 30.
I don't know much about him.
I'm just gonna go talk to him, young man to young man Ask him to remember what it was like when he was a freshman, how hard it was starting high school when all you have is your friends and how I'm asking, as Brian's friend, for that tape back.
[Inspirational music plays.]
Well, that'll never work.
Yeah, put that in the "Stupid idea" file.
You guys are too quick with that file.
I don't know why my "Poison him" idea is in there.
Unless someone comes up with a better plan, I'm going in.
[Door opens, closes.]
[Laughs.]
[Knocks at door.]
Mom, I don't want any muesli.
I recognize you from the video.
Your pop-up said you ate string cheese that fell in the gutter.
It was lying on a bed of leaves.
- It was clean.
- What are you doing here? I'm one of your step-brother's friends.
I'm here to talk to you young man to young man, and to ask you to remember what it was like when you were a freshman [Glass shatters.]
- What the hell? - Get the tape! Poison him before you leave! Nope.
Nope.
What's this two-tone one? They're all the same, Michael.
Okay, let's do it.
Is my receptionist not out there? Rebecca! I don't care if it's not in my life plan.
I can't be a renter anymore.
I need to own my house, so I'll sell you a stake in the restaurant and take you on as a partner.
And together, we'll destroy Kenny Rogers.
That's more your thing, but I like that you're motivated by revenge.
My wife will love that.
[All chuckling.]
Mom, I've had time to think about it, and it's gonna be okay.
I thought you said you weren't feeling challenged in your regular school.
And I'll make that my new challenge.
I'll do extra C.
L.
C.
, audit some junior college classes, take an immersion trip to Montreal to work on my French.
Michael Bolton offered me a partnership deal for the restaurant, and I think we should take it.
What? I know it means straying from our life plan, but we should make exceptions for good opportunities.
I want to own our house, and this deal will let us do that.
You're right.
Maybe we can be less strict with our plans.
But we're not buying this house.
We'd like to buy your house.
You want to buy this house? But with one stipulation.
You get our son into St.
Orlando's.
Your wife works there, right? She gets our son in, you've sold your house.
We can work something out.
I'm going to private school! I'm not in the garage, but screw it! [Chuckles.]
Are we sure about this? You want to own your own home, I want Evan in private school.
Michael Bolton will get us both.
Dave: We did it! We got the tape back.
Are you gonna get in trouble for throwing a rock through your stepbrother's window? Eh, if things get heated I can always fake a seizure.
Guys, we're entering high school on a win.
Things are gonna be okay.