Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s03e23 Episode Script
This Isn't Us
1 Last time on "Fresh Off the Boat" - I go to St.
Orlando's Prep.
- Private school.
Can I please go to St.
Orlando's next year, Mommy? Michael Bolton offered me a partnership deal for the restaurant, and I think we should take it.
I want to own our house, and this deal will let us do that.
You're right, but we're not buying this house.
You wanna buy this house? With one stipulation.
You get our son into St.
Orlando's.
- What's going on? - We're moving.
You're throwing all your stuff away? Nah, man.
This is my luggage.
We're only moving across town.
It's crazy that you're gonna be going to a different high school next year.
It's no big deal.
We'll still hang out all the time.
Me and Alison are all good.
Plus, we got the whole summer to chill.
The new house has a hot tub.
It'll be just like MTV's Beach House.
But with no Bill Bellamy.
Now you feel me.
Why are you guys moving, anyway? So someone can go to private school.
I can't wait to introduce you to my khakis.
We'll have to divide these since we're getting our own rooms.
How 'bout you take the herbivores and I'll take the carnivores? Or we divide them by geologic time period.
Dibs on Jurassic! Dammit.
Yeah.
Aww, the boys' height chart.
Look how much they've grown.
I am not losing one nickel of our security deposit.
And quit stopping to reminisce.
You only took two days off of work for this move, and you spent the whole morning packing your pants.
Every pair tells a story.
I was wearing my white Wranglers the day I hung up the pantry shelves.
Hard to believe that was only three years ago.
We're moving on up, Louis, like "The Jeffersons.
" You know, I've always fancied myself a Taiwanese Weezy.
You always have.
I guess it's just hard to leave this place.
Hmm.
It's for the best.
Before you know it, the new house will feel the same as the old one.
[Echoing.]
Very cozy.
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Mm, impressive new yard.
Squirrels look like they're better behaved here.
They make less eye contact, which I appreciate.
Check it out! We've got double Pop Tart ovens! More like double waste of electricity.
- Evan: Hello.
- [Gasps.]
No, Ma.
It's the intercom system.
Right, boys? Welcome to the Huangs' new house.
- May I take your order? - Brenda, can you see if they can push that meeting from 4:00 to 5:00? I'm playing drive-thru.
Oh, I'm playing assistant.
Brenda, hold my calls.
Hold all the calls, Brenda.
Intercom's closed.
It wastes electricity.
If you need to communicate, yell.
Better, pass notes under the door like they do in prison.
Cheap and quiet.
Aren't you being a little extreme? These things don't cost that much.
You think I'm being extreme? It's easy to look at this place and think we're rich now, like that half-naked Scottish duck you boys love.
But the truth is, poverty is right outside those double French doors.
Listen.
I don't hear anything.
Exactly, because poverty moves in silence.
We used up all our savings to buy this place, and now we can't afford to live in it.
You've heard the term "house poor"? Well, that's what we are now.
So no intercoms, no double ovens, no heating the hot tub.
I thought we were in good financial shape.
Michael Bolton just became a partner in the restaurant.
If that's not the definition of "stable," I don't know what is.
[Laughing.]
I've run the numbers, Louis.
And the books don't lie.
Between the high mortgage, higher bills, insurance, and taxes, we're barely scraping by.
In fact, we are this close to becoming my worst nightmare being homeless.
What are you doing? Saving money on dry cleaning and making my blazer smell like London.
I know you're excited about private school, but I hope being around all those rich kids doesn't change you.
What do you mean? Like how Chris O'Donnell went to private school in "Scent of a Woman" and almost lost his integrity.
[As Frank Slade.]
Hoo-ahhh! [As Frank Slade.]
Hahh! You don't need to worry.
This blazer won't change me.
I may look larger than life, but I'm still a little boy's 6.
Hey, look made in China.
Kind of like our family.
Hope it didn't come from a sweatshop.
I've been reading about child labor after the whole Kathy Lee Gifford controversy.
You should have the school look into it, just to be sure.
I don't know.
Evan, there could be kids stuck in a factory working 20 hours a day on these.
I'm talking about kids our age.
What if Cousin Hennessy was forced to make this? Fine, but Cousin Hennessy would never be hired in a sweatshop.
Have you seen his craftsmanship? Disaster.
Sorry we can't afford to heat the hot tub.
We're house poor.
That's the whole reason we came all the way over here.
I had to take two buses in flip-flops.
A lady sat on half of my towel for 16 blocks.
Our last summer together is blowing hard.
It's not our last summer! So, I'm going to a different school.
It doesn't mean we stop being a crew.
Which is why we should all get matching tattoos.
Seriously? When you're in a crew, you're in a crew for life.
So you're saying we should get each other's faces tattooed across our backs.
Or, just like something else.
How 'bout a pizza? We each get a slice on our bodies, and when we're together we form a whole pie.
A crew pie! Daddies, lock up your daughters.
Brian's getting inked.
Thank you for removing the light bulbs from the hallway, Marvin.
We need to save money any way we can.
Well, there's an old joke about how many dentists does it take to screw in a light bulb, but it's not for the ladies.
This place is amazing, Jessica.
- Yeah.
- But we miss you.
Everyone in the neighborhood does.
Really? Even Deidre? She held a moment of silence at our last HOA meeting.
[Stomach rumbling.]
I'm sorry.
It happens whenever I have NutraSweet.
It's probably just trapped gas.
Will you tell Carol-Joan that? From me? Of course.
Okay, well, I'm gonna see if I can return these light bulbs at the grocery store.
I'll take you.
We'll take my car so you can save gas money.
[Laughing.]
It's always so nice when I don't have to ask the thing that I wanted to ask.
We'll be back in a few hours.
Bye.
[Laughing.]
Whoa! A hot tub? Oh, Louis, you dirty mutt! - You've been holding out on me.
- [Laughing.]
Hey, what say we fire this cauldron up and make ourselves a little cannibal stew, huh? I'd love to, but it's off limits.
We can't afford to heat it up.
You can't afford not to.
Come on, enjoy this thing before you go back to work tomorrow.
Jessica will never know.
When she does the books, she'll see the gas bill.
Well, think of other ways to make up for it.
Take cold showers for a week.
The heating bill is the same, and your chest hair will be amazing.
Who cares about a lousy light bulb? How do you unscrew a dental hygienist? [Laughing.]
Hey, four out of five patients find that hilarious.
[Both laughing.]
[Both laughing.]
I have to admit, these heated floors are amazing.
Yeah.
And an economical way to dry your trunks, huh? Turn! [Door opens, closes.]
Jessica! We lost track of time! Hey! [Chuckles nervously.]
How was the store? Good! They let me return three light bulbs.
Louis, you used the hot tub? What? Why would you think I Louis, I told you Heating the hot tub costs too much money.
Oh, hey.
I was just wanted to make sure you had enough insulation up in your attic.
You do.
It's time for us to go.
[Laughing.]
Ain't my first rodeo.
[Boys laughing.]
Hey.
Sorry, I didn't realize how far away my new house is.
I had to ride through neighborhoods I've never even seen.
Did you know we had a Little Peru? Man, you missed so much.
I mean, Walter belched the alphabet, Brian went on a run about Trent's sisters, Trent blew a gasket.
Aw, man! Hey, so should we talk pizza tats? Like, where on the body to get them? I say ankle edgy but not trashy.
No, bicep all day.
That way when we flex, our slices can dance to the music.
I say we go neck.
- Ouch! - No way! I want an office job someday.
How 'bout our elbows? That way if we all throw in, it'll make a whole pie.
This many limbs pressed together reminds me of Trent's sister on prom night.
Okay, Brian.
Here we go! Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Thanks for meeting with us, Headmaster Royce.
This is Emery, my public-school brother.
I thought you had two brothers.
[Laughing.]
You you're such a funny man.
Two brothers.
Well, what can I do for you? We're worried that the school blazers were made in China using child labor.
It has intricate basting stitches along the welt pocket.
You'll only get that level of detail using expensive machinery or tiny fingers.
This is a very serious claim.
I'll check into it right away.
I'm glad you boys brought it up.
Well, the school motto is "Vox Clamantis in Veritate" a voice crying for the truth.
We face the dawn with brave full hearts We stand and face east for the alma mater.
Boys once more and men we'll be And girls as well since '63 St.
Orlando's, proud and free Hey, hey, boss.
How's the new house? Far.
I miss my old commute.
Did you know there's a Little Peru? [Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" plays.]
What's all this? Merchandise.
How am I supposed to live without you? Mr.
Bolton thinks it's gonna generate more revenue.
Check it out.
Now I look like how I feel.
[Laughs.]
How am I Louis: Michael Bolton's Cattleman's Ranch? He changed the name? I've only been out two days! - Hey, Louis.
- Michael.
I didn't see you come in.
I was in the back counting cutlery.
Hmm.
I'm a little confused.
I thought you wanted to be a silent partner.
I did, until I thought about Kenny Rogers sitting on all that chicken money.
Then I decided to get my hands dirty.
You do know I wrote a bunch of his songs, right? I just wish you would've run this past me first.
This is a lot of change.
Oh, it is.
It really is.
But then again, so is this.
It's your cut of the merchandising.
Tell me How am I supposed to mow without you Now that I've been mowing you, my lawn Louis! You got a moped? [Engine turns off.]
It's a riding mower.
The yard at the old house would've been too small for one, but here we get to have some fun.
I tried mowing you a "J.
" It's not great.
We can't afford to have fun! Yes, we can.
Michael Bolton gave me a big check for merchandising profits.
We're not house poor anymore.
We're house comfortable.
No, that doesn't change anything.
What? It was a huge check.
I pretended it was too heavy to get out of my pocket at the bank, and they thought I had a gun.
I already factored it in when I ran the numbers.
How? I only just found out myself.
It's all in the books.
Really? Well, can I see these books? They burned.
- What? - In the fire.
What? It was a small fire in the file cabinet.
I put it out before it reached Evan's report cards.
We also lost your white jeans.
There was a fire.
- Mm-hmm.
- In the file cabinet.
A small one.
Okay, fine! We're not house poor.
- I lied.
- Why would you say we're in financial trouble when we're not? Because I wanted us to buy this house, but I don't want us to enjoy it.
I don't understand.
Why don't you want us to enjoy our new house? I'm not comfortable being this comfortable.
What's wrong with comfortable? We used to sell furniture with that exact slogan.
If we get too comfortable, then we'll be satisfied with what we have.
And then we won't keep pushing to be better.
Better than what? And why do we always have to push? Because pushing is what got us here.
And now that we're here, what's the point of all the hard work if we can't enjoy it? So, that's it? We're done? We've achieved the dream? Now we just sit around sipping Mai Tais and playing Scrabble while I watch you get old? I'm not saying we're done.
I'm just saying that if we don't enjoy what we have, then we don't have anything.
I don't even know how to enjoy it.
Struggling is all I've ever known.
Well, just loosen your grip a little.
You more than anyone deserves to enjoy the fruits of our labor.
So, if there really wasn't a fire The white jeans are gone, Louis.
Let them go.
I can't wait to see what Mr.
Royce found out about the blazer scandal.
We really shouldn't bother him.
I'm sure he'll call us when he learns something.
Well, hello, boys.
Anybody wanna earn $5 caddying? You're going out to play golf? What about the blazers? The blazers? The child labor? In China? Yes, I haven't gotten around to that yet.
It's my vacation.
But you said you'd look into it right away.
Yes, first thing, when the new semester starts.
See that, Emery? First thing.
[Sighs.]
Look.
It's not your fault.
Those who can't wear the blazer will always try to tear it off you.
The truth is, these public school kids, they're worse than us reeking of school lunches and two-in-one shampoos.
The other day, I saw one getting on a bus in flip-flops and a towel.
I'm sorry your brother dragged you into this nonsense.
Let me tell you something about my brother.
He's the best person I know.
If he's concerned about these blazers, then so am I.
You gave us your word you'd do something.
Last I checked, St.
Orlando is the patron saint of salves and tinctures, not of casual promises.
Hoo-ahh! I know you're new to private school, but you don't tell the headmaster how to do his job.
And you're new to brave little boys, because I would be ashamed to attend a school that ignores the possibility of sweatshop labor.
Well put, sir.
Best of luck next year.
What? No young man should be forced to attend a school he doesn't respect.
I'm revoking your admission.
Think of us every time you face east.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
Biking is hard.
So, I went to the library and printed these out for our pizza tattoos.
We gotta chose our style, toppings, crust Yeah, actually, I don't think we're gonna do that.
We can't just leave it up to the tattoo guy.
No, he means we're not getting tattoos.
I want Judaism to remain an option.
You guys just decided this without me? We talked about it, and you weren't here, so.
I'm here now! Dude, take it easy.
We didn't do your idea.
It's no big deal.
It is to me! I thought getting a tattoo would be a cool way not to forget each other, but clearly it's already happened.
You know what? You guys probably aren't going to be popular anyways.
Honestly, even if we did go to the same high school, I'd ditch you so fast.
You can't do anything fast except eat.
You know what? We're done.
Good luck with high school, losers.
Oh, and, Dave? Mail me back my Tecmo Bowl.
Yeah, I'll mail it back to you.
In pieces, you whiny dookie-head! Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you? [Reverse alarm beeping.]
Now that I've been loving you so long? I'm sorry you lost your spot at St.
Orlando's.
What am I gonna tell Mom? We're not gonna let them get away with it.
We'll take a picture of that tag and go wide.
Once it gets out that St.
Orlando's is covering up a child labor scandal, all hell will break loose.
Oh.
Wisconsin? Oops.
You made me sacrifice my spot in school for Wisconsin? Anyone could've made the same mistake.
You saw the welt pocket.
Wisconsin! I'm gonna kill you! This heated floor is nice.
[Sighs.]
It's like lying on a stack of pancakes.
Comfortable, right? Hmm.
Your middle child has something to share with you.
Evan lost his spot at St.
Orlando's because I encouraged him to fight a fictional human rights injustice.
You lost your spot? It was his fault.
It was.
I'm sorry.
I know that's the whole reason we moved here.
Well, if that school doesn't want you, they're idiots.
So, you're not mad? We'll make our own private school.
And you'll do better than any of those St.
Orlando's kids.
We'll up your C.
L.
C.
, hire you a private tutor, have Grandma make you a blazer.
We're gonna be okay.
Group hug! Everything turned out fine! Nobody's angry at anybody! Don't even, Wisconsin.
[Sighs.]
You know what this means? Now we can go home.
What? You wanna go back to our old house? I miss it.
I miss Honey and the old neighborhood.
It was better there.
I didn't have to try to enjoy it.
I just did.
This house isn't us.
I miss it, too.
But we can't go back.
We already made the down payment.
We're stuck here.
Are we? Or did you forget that you're married to a real-estate pimp? You want to return the house? [Laughs.]
Sorry, we already closed the deal.
Well, that's true, but you never disclosed that this house is haunted.
My family hears voices in the walls.
Um Houses perceived to be haunted constitute a "phenomena stigma.
" Failing to disclose a stigmatized property allows me to rescind the sale.
It's a thing.
Look it up.
[Sighs.]
I hate real estate.
We'll be out by Friday.
[Chuckles.]
Attention, everyone.
Pack your bags.
We're moving on back.
[Sighs.]
Feels good to be back in the old neighborhood.
Close to work, where I can keep an eye on Bolton.
He wants to put a veggie burger on the menu.
Only one Bolton story a day, remember? Sorry.
Evan, you need to talk to me at some point.
We're gonna be sharing a room again.
I'll talk to you.
About how you're gonna get me back into St.
Orlando's.
Because I am going to that school! I'm going to the same high school as my friends, and they're not my friends anymore.
I messed up.
All right, everybody.
We're home! See, boys? This is why you never throw out a key.
[Keys jingling.]
[Sighs.]
Who are you? Well, I'm Adam.
My family and I just rented this house.
What? Who are you? Oh, wait.
Did you see our flyer? Did you find our cat? Kids, get in here! They found Mr.
S'mores! Jessica: Oh, my God.
My worst nightmare has come true.
We're homeless.
Uh, okay.
Well, if you're gonna stay, can you take your shoes off?
Orlando's Prep.
- Private school.
Can I please go to St.
Orlando's next year, Mommy? Michael Bolton offered me a partnership deal for the restaurant, and I think we should take it.
I want to own our house, and this deal will let us do that.
You're right, but we're not buying this house.
You wanna buy this house? With one stipulation.
You get our son into St.
Orlando's.
- What's going on? - We're moving.
You're throwing all your stuff away? Nah, man.
This is my luggage.
We're only moving across town.
It's crazy that you're gonna be going to a different high school next year.
It's no big deal.
We'll still hang out all the time.
Me and Alison are all good.
Plus, we got the whole summer to chill.
The new house has a hot tub.
It'll be just like MTV's Beach House.
But with no Bill Bellamy.
Now you feel me.
Why are you guys moving, anyway? So someone can go to private school.
I can't wait to introduce you to my khakis.
We'll have to divide these since we're getting our own rooms.
How 'bout you take the herbivores and I'll take the carnivores? Or we divide them by geologic time period.
Dibs on Jurassic! Dammit.
Yeah.
Aww, the boys' height chart.
Look how much they've grown.
I am not losing one nickel of our security deposit.
And quit stopping to reminisce.
You only took two days off of work for this move, and you spent the whole morning packing your pants.
Every pair tells a story.
I was wearing my white Wranglers the day I hung up the pantry shelves.
Hard to believe that was only three years ago.
We're moving on up, Louis, like "The Jeffersons.
" You know, I've always fancied myself a Taiwanese Weezy.
You always have.
I guess it's just hard to leave this place.
Hmm.
It's for the best.
Before you know it, the new house will feel the same as the old one.
[Echoing.]
Very cozy.
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Mm, impressive new yard.
Squirrels look like they're better behaved here.
They make less eye contact, which I appreciate.
Check it out! We've got double Pop Tart ovens! More like double waste of electricity.
- Evan: Hello.
- [Gasps.]
No, Ma.
It's the intercom system.
Right, boys? Welcome to the Huangs' new house.
- May I take your order? - Brenda, can you see if they can push that meeting from 4:00 to 5:00? I'm playing drive-thru.
Oh, I'm playing assistant.
Brenda, hold my calls.
Hold all the calls, Brenda.
Intercom's closed.
It wastes electricity.
If you need to communicate, yell.
Better, pass notes under the door like they do in prison.
Cheap and quiet.
Aren't you being a little extreme? These things don't cost that much.
You think I'm being extreme? It's easy to look at this place and think we're rich now, like that half-naked Scottish duck you boys love.
But the truth is, poverty is right outside those double French doors.
Listen.
I don't hear anything.
Exactly, because poverty moves in silence.
We used up all our savings to buy this place, and now we can't afford to live in it.
You've heard the term "house poor"? Well, that's what we are now.
So no intercoms, no double ovens, no heating the hot tub.
I thought we were in good financial shape.
Michael Bolton just became a partner in the restaurant.
If that's not the definition of "stable," I don't know what is.
[Laughing.]
I've run the numbers, Louis.
And the books don't lie.
Between the high mortgage, higher bills, insurance, and taxes, we're barely scraping by.
In fact, we are this close to becoming my worst nightmare being homeless.
What are you doing? Saving money on dry cleaning and making my blazer smell like London.
I know you're excited about private school, but I hope being around all those rich kids doesn't change you.
What do you mean? Like how Chris O'Donnell went to private school in "Scent of a Woman" and almost lost his integrity.
[As Frank Slade.]
Hoo-ahhh! [As Frank Slade.]
Hahh! You don't need to worry.
This blazer won't change me.
I may look larger than life, but I'm still a little boy's 6.
Hey, look made in China.
Kind of like our family.
Hope it didn't come from a sweatshop.
I've been reading about child labor after the whole Kathy Lee Gifford controversy.
You should have the school look into it, just to be sure.
I don't know.
Evan, there could be kids stuck in a factory working 20 hours a day on these.
I'm talking about kids our age.
What if Cousin Hennessy was forced to make this? Fine, but Cousin Hennessy would never be hired in a sweatshop.
Have you seen his craftsmanship? Disaster.
Sorry we can't afford to heat the hot tub.
We're house poor.
That's the whole reason we came all the way over here.
I had to take two buses in flip-flops.
A lady sat on half of my towel for 16 blocks.
Our last summer together is blowing hard.
It's not our last summer! So, I'm going to a different school.
It doesn't mean we stop being a crew.
Which is why we should all get matching tattoos.
Seriously? When you're in a crew, you're in a crew for life.
So you're saying we should get each other's faces tattooed across our backs.
Or, just like something else.
How 'bout a pizza? We each get a slice on our bodies, and when we're together we form a whole pie.
A crew pie! Daddies, lock up your daughters.
Brian's getting inked.
Thank you for removing the light bulbs from the hallway, Marvin.
We need to save money any way we can.
Well, there's an old joke about how many dentists does it take to screw in a light bulb, but it's not for the ladies.
This place is amazing, Jessica.
- Yeah.
- But we miss you.
Everyone in the neighborhood does.
Really? Even Deidre? She held a moment of silence at our last HOA meeting.
[Stomach rumbling.]
I'm sorry.
It happens whenever I have NutraSweet.
It's probably just trapped gas.
Will you tell Carol-Joan that? From me? Of course.
Okay, well, I'm gonna see if I can return these light bulbs at the grocery store.
I'll take you.
We'll take my car so you can save gas money.
[Laughing.]
It's always so nice when I don't have to ask the thing that I wanted to ask.
We'll be back in a few hours.
Bye.
[Laughing.]
Whoa! A hot tub? Oh, Louis, you dirty mutt! - You've been holding out on me.
- [Laughing.]
Hey, what say we fire this cauldron up and make ourselves a little cannibal stew, huh? I'd love to, but it's off limits.
We can't afford to heat it up.
You can't afford not to.
Come on, enjoy this thing before you go back to work tomorrow.
Jessica will never know.
When she does the books, she'll see the gas bill.
Well, think of other ways to make up for it.
Take cold showers for a week.
The heating bill is the same, and your chest hair will be amazing.
Who cares about a lousy light bulb? How do you unscrew a dental hygienist? [Laughing.]
Hey, four out of five patients find that hilarious.
[Both laughing.]
[Both laughing.]
I have to admit, these heated floors are amazing.
Yeah.
And an economical way to dry your trunks, huh? Turn! [Door opens, closes.]
Jessica! We lost track of time! Hey! [Chuckles nervously.]
How was the store? Good! They let me return three light bulbs.
Louis, you used the hot tub? What? Why would you think I Louis, I told you Heating the hot tub costs too much money.
Oh, hey.
I was just wanted to make sure you had enough insulation up in your attic.
You do.
It's time for us to go.
[Laughing.]
Ain't my first rodeo.
[Boys laughing.]
Hey.
Sorry, I didn't realize how far away my new house is.
I had to ride through neighborhoods I've never even seen.
Did you know we had a Little Peru? Man, you missed so much.
I mean, Walter belched the alphabet, Brian went on a run about Trent's sisters, Trent blew a gasket.
Aw, man! Hey, so should we talk pizza tats? Like, where on the body to get them? I say ankle edgy but not trashy.
No, bicep all day.
That way when we flex, our slices can dance to the music.
I say we go neck.
- Ouch! - No way! I want an office job someday.
How 'bout our elbows? That way if we all throw in, it'll make a whole pie.
This many limbs pressed together reminds me of Trent's sister on prom night.
Okay, Brian.
Here we go! Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Thanks for meeting with us, Headmaster Royce.
This is Emery, my public-school brother.
I thought you had two brothers.
[Laughing.]
You you're such a funny man.
Two brothers.
Well, what can I do for you? We're worried that the school blazers were made in China using child labor.
It has intricate basting stitches along the welt pocket.
You'll only get that level of detail using expensive machinery or tiny fingers.
This is a very serious claim.
I'll check into it right away.
I'm glad you boys brought it up.
Well, the school motto is "Vox Clamantis in Veritate" a voice crying for the truth.
We face the dawn with brave full hearts We stand and face east for the alma mater.
Boys once more and men we'll be And girls as well since '63 St.
Orlando's, proud and free Hey, hey, boss.
How's the new house? Far.
I miss my old commute.
Did you know there's a Little Peru? [Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" plays.]
What's all this? Merchandise.
How am I supposed to live without you? Mr.
Bolton thinks it's gonna generate more revenue.
Check it out.
Now I look like how I feel.
[Laughs.]
How am I Louis: Michael Bolton's Cattleman's Ranch? He changed the name? I've only been out two days! - Hey, Louis.
- Michael.
I didn't see you come in.
I was in the back counting cutlery.
Hmm.
I'm a little confused.
I thought you wanted to be a silent partner.
I did, until I thought about Kenny Rogers sitting on all that chicken money.
Then I decided to get my hands dirty.
You do know I wrote a bunch of his songs, right? I just wish you would've run this past me first.
This is a lot of change.
Oh, it is.
It really is.
But then again, so is this.
It's your cut of the merchandising.
Tell me How am I supposed to mow without you Now that I've been mowing you, my lawn Louis! You got a moped? [Engine turns off.]
It's a riding mower.
The yard at the old house would've been too small for one, but here we get to have some fun.
I tried mowing you a "J.
" It's not great.
We can't afford to have fun! Yes, we can.
Michael Bolton gave me a big check for merchandising profits.
We're not house poor anymore.
We're house comfortable.
No, that doesn't change anything.
What? It was a huge check.
I pretended it was too heavy to get out of my pocket at the bank, and they thought I had a gun.
I already factored it in when I ran the numbers.
How? I only just found out myself.
It's all in the books.
Really? Well, can I see these books? They burned.
- What? - In the fire.
What? It was a small fire in the file cabinet.
I put it out before it reached Evan's report cards.
We also lost your white jeans.
There was a fire.
- Mm-hmm.
- In the file cabinet.
A small one.
Okay, fine! We're not house poor.
- I lied.
- Why would you say we're in financial trouble when we're not? Because I wanted us to buy this house, but I don't want us to enjoy it.
I don't understand.
Why don't you want us to enjoy our new house? I'm not comfortable being this comfortable.
What's wrong with comfortable? We used to sell furniture with that exact slogan.
If we get too comfortable, then we'll be satisfied with what we have.
And then we won't keep pushing to be better.
Better than what? And why do we always have to push? Because pushing is what got us here.
And now that we're here, what's the point of all the hard work if we can't enjoy it? So, that's it? We're done? We've achieved the dream? Now we just sit around sipping Mai Tais and playing Scrabble while I watch you get old? I'm not saying we're done.
I'm just saying that if we don't enjoy what we have, then we don't have anything.
I don't even know how to enjoy it.
Struggling is all I've ever known.
Well, just loosen your grip a little.
You more than anyone deserves to enjoy the fruits of our labor.
So, if there really wasn't a fire The white jeans are gone, Louis.
Let them go.
I can't wait to see what Mr.
Royce found out about the blazer scandal.
We really shouldn't bother him.
I'm sure he'll call us when he learns something.
Well, hello, boys.
Anybody wanna earn $5 caddying? You're going out to play golf? What about the blazers? The blazers? The child labor? In China? Yes, I haven't gotten around to that yet.
It's my vacation.
But you said you'd look into it right away.
Yes, first thing, when the new semester starts.
See that, Emery? First thing.
[Sighs.]
Look.
It's not your fault.
Those who can't wear the blazer will always try to tear it off you.
The truth is, these public school kids, they're worse than us reeking of school lunches and two-in-one shampoos.
The other day, I saw one getting on a bus in flip-flops and a towel.
I'm sorry your brother dragged you into this nonsense.
Let me tell you something about my brother.
He's the best person I know.
If he's concerned about these blazers, then so am I.
You gave us your word you'd do something.
Last I checked, St.
Orlando is the patron saint of salves and tinctures, not of casual promises.
Hoo-ahh! I know you're new to private school, but you don't tell the headmaster how to do his job.
And you're new to brave little boys, because I would be ashamed to attend a school that ignores the possibility of sweatshop labor.
Well put, sir.
Best of luck next year.
What? No young man should be forced to attend a school he doesn't respect.
I'm revoking your admission.
Think of us every time you face east.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
Biking is hard.
So, I went to the library and printed these out for our pizza tattoos.
We gotta chose our style, toppings, crust Yeah, actually, I don't think we're gonna do that.
We can't just leave it up to the tattoo guy.
No, he means we're not getting tattoos.
I want Judaism to remain an option.
You guys just decided this without me? We talked about it, and you weren't here, so.
I'm here now! Dude, take it easy.
We didn't do your idea.
It's no big deal.
It is to me! I thought getting a tattoo would be a cool way not to forget each other, but clearly it's already happened.
You know what? You guys probably aren't going to be popular anyways.
Honestly, even if we did go to the same high school, I'd ditch you so fast.
You can't do anything fast except eat.
You know what? We're done.
Good luck with high school, losers.
Oh, and, Dave? Mail me back my Tecmo Bowl.
Yeah, I'll mail it back to you.
In pieces, you whiny dookie-head! Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you? [Reverse alarm beeping.]
Now that I've been loving you so long? I'm sorry you lost your spot at St.
Orlando's.
What am I gonna tell Mom? We're not gonna let them get away with it.
We'll take a picture of that tag and go wide.
Once it gets out that St.
Orlando's is covering up a child labor scandal, all hell will break loose.
Oh.
Wisconsin? Oops.
You made me sacrifice my spot in school for Wisconsin? Anyone could've made the same mistake.
You saw the welt pocket.
Wisconsin! I'm gonna kill you! This heated floor is nice.
[Sighs.]
It's like lying on a stack of pancakes.
Comfortable, right? Hmm.
Your middle child has something to share with you.
Evan lost his spot at St.
Orlando's because I encouraged him to fight a fictional human rights injustice.
You lost your spot? It was his fault.
It was.
I'm sorry.
I know that's the whole reason we moved here.
Well, if that school doesn't want you, they're idiots.
So, you're not mad? We'll make our own private school.
And you'll do better than any of those St.
Orlando's kids.
We'll up your C.
L.
C.
, hire you a private tutor, have Grandma make you a blazer.
We're gonna be okay.
Group hug! Everything turned out fine! Nobody's angry at anybody! Don't even, Wisconsin.
[Sighs.]
You know what this means? Now we can go home.
What? You wanna go back to our old house? I miss it.
I miss Honey and the old neighborhood.
It was better there.
I didn't have to try to enjoy it.
I just did.
This house isn't us.
I miss it, too.
But we can't go back.
We already made the down payment.
We're stuck here.
Are we? Or did you forget that you're married to a real-estate pimp? You want to return the house? [Laughs.]
Sorry, we already closed the deal.
Well, that's true, but you never disclosed that this house is haunted.
My family hears voices in the walls.
Um Houses perceived to be haunted constitute a "phenomena stigma.
" Failing to disclose a stigmatized property allows me to rescind the sale.
It's a thing.
Look it up.
[Sighs.]
I hate real estate.
We'll be out by Friday.
[Chuckles.]
Attention, everyone.
Pack your bags.
We're moving on back.
[Sighs.]
Feels good to be back in the old neighborhood.
Close to work, where I can keep an eye on Bolton.
He wants to put a veggie burger on the menu.
Only one Bolton story a day, remember? Sorry.
Evan, you need to talk to me at some point.
We're gonna be sharing a room again.
I'll talk to you.
About how you're gonna get me back into St.
Orlando's.
Because I am going to that school! I'm going to the same high school as my friends, and they're not my friends anymore.
I messed up.
All right, everybody.
We're home! See, boys? This is why you never throw out a key.
[Keys jingling.]
[Sighs.]
Who are you? Well, I'm Adam.
My family and I just rented this house.
What? Who are you? Oh, wait.
Did you see our flyer? Did you find our cat? Kids, get in here! They found Mr.
S'mores! Jessica: Oh, my God.
My worst nightmare has come true.
We're homeless.
Uh, okay.
Well, if you're gonna stay, can you take your shoes off?