Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s05e18 Episode Script

Rancho Contento

1 Wow, another anniversary.
[Sighs] Seems like we were just kids when we got into this.
No one thought we'd make it this far.
When this all started, I was just a man with a dream walking into a run-down strip club.
And look at us now.
Happy Cattleman's Anniversary, Louis.
Happy Cattleman's Anniversary.
Oh! For me? Usually you just give a present to the restaurant.
This year's different.
Open it! Who's "Roth Ira"? It's a retirement account.
I opened one in your name and one in my name when we started the restaurant.
We've done so well that we're now on track to retire at 55! Mm.
Uh, were you thinking we'd retire at 57? 60? Never.
We are never retiring.
TRENT: Mr.
Huang, you shouldn't have.
[Deep voice] I'm the luckiest bear in Orlando! Ha ha ha! Is this cashmere? Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat EDDIE: Tina told me to work on myself and become a better man, so I got you, Journal.
Will she be impressed? EVAN: My guess is yes.
Journaling will show Tina you can indulge your introspective side.
Hey! It's not cool to read over someone's shoulder, man.
I would never! You were talking out loud.
- You were, actually.
- We heard every word.
When you boys turn 21, you can read my journal.
Here's a tip from someone who's been keeping a dream journal for the past six years Write with your mouth closed.
EMERY: Evan, we share a room, and I've never seen this journal.
That's because it's private.
I hid it.
You can be a little nosy.
Hey, do you ever dream about a witch with cold hands? Um, never mind.
It's probably nothing.
- [Chuckles] [Door opens] - JESSICA: Off to school! Bye, Mommy.
Behold the youngest student at Orlando State University.
Prove it.
Fine.
Youngest-looking.
Same difference.
Well, congrats! How was your registration? Well, we took a couple runs at my photo I.
D.
, but we finally got there.
The only problem is, my educational administration classes are so expensive, I could only afford to take one a semester.
Well, I know which class you should take next Retirement 101.
Now, I know you said you never want to retire, but you haven't seen Rancho Contento.
They're accepting early-bird deposits.
It's a planned community in Santa Barbara and the perfect place for us to sunset.
These people look like they're in a commercial for stool softener.
Well, exactly.
They're relaxed and unencumbered, just like we'll be when we retire there.
Every morning, we'll walk to the pier.
[Piano music plays] [Seagulls crying] LOUIS: You'll fish, like you used to when you were a kid.
I'll read a charming local newspaper.
[Laughs] Then we'll go back to our bungalow to enjoy a bottle of homemade wine as we watch the sunset.
And the best part is, unlike now, when we're busy with the boys and the PTA and the restaurant, we'll get to spend all our time together.
Well, that part does sound nice, but I'm sorry, Louis.
I just pictured our retirement very differently.
[Flashbulb pops] But that was nothing.
Exactly.
Retirement makes you stupid, Louis.
You have to keep moving, or else your brain will turn to mush.
We'll retire when we die.
Our bodies make that decision for us, not ourselves.
[School bell rings] [Indistinct conversations] [Exhales sharply] Oh, oopsie! Oh, hey, Tina.
I didn't see you sitting there.
It's no big deal.
It's just a journal.
I really like to indulge my introspective side.
You know, like a guy who's really working on himself.
Your shirt's on inside out.
Uh Uh, it's really hard to dress your body - when you're so deep inside your mind.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, I was just journaling about that exact thing.
[Clicks tongue, sighs] All I'm saying is, I took polka for three years.
I'm gonna crush "DDR.
" I've been practicing my "DDR" footwork for weeks.
I'm practicing my "DDR" right now.
Guys, quick question What the hell is "DDR"? Uh, "Dance Dance Revolution.
" It's this new video game that you play with your feet instead of your thumbs.
It's at an arcade across town, and we were hoping you could drive us.
[Sighs] Why not? I won't be hanging with the girl of my dreams anyway.
Oh, buddy.
Lay it on us.
Tina didn't like Journal? I can't figure her out! I want to become a better man for her, but what does that even mean? How can this be better? You're the total package! You said it, not me.
Now, back to me and Tina.
So, basically, I've tried everything to get her back.
So sometimes, I'm, like, does she really want me to be a better man or does she just like that Pearl Jam song? I mean, it's a good song, but I just feel like it's influenced a whole generation of girls.
Or I could write her a sonnet, but then I'd have to learn what a sonnet is.
So, yeah, that's where my head's at.
[School bell rings] Oh, dang.
We were just getting started.
Hey.
Tina's your sister.
Help me out.
Just tell me what she likes.
Lately, all she can talk about is "Sex and the City.
" At first, I was worried she was following Trish down her dark path.
But turns out, it's just a TV show.
[Door opens, closes] Hey, Deidre.
And, uh, Richard.
[Chuckles] Oh.
If I knew we were having guests over, I would've put out the fun welcome mat.
Oh, I invited Deidre over to sell me some of her floozy makeup.
Okay.
Hello, beautiful insert-name-of-customer! I Oh.
Um Sorry.
I'm nervous.
Hello, beautiful Jessica! Hello.
[Chuckles] Spring is all about the shimmer.
Get fudged! I forgot my neutral nudes.
It's just One second.
Okay.
You hate Deidre, and you always say "Makeup is for uglies.
" Why would you invite her over here? Oh, I'm just supporting small local businesses, like I always do.
But, hey, while I'm doing this, maybe you could hang out with Richard.
- You know, he retired early.
- Oh.
I see what you're doing, Jessica.
You want me to see that retirement has made Richard stupid.
Well, guess what.
Retirement isn't stupid, and neither is Richard.
Oh, please.
He married Deidre.
Case closed.
Oh.
Sorry.
Could you hear that? I'm listening to an audiobook.
Oh! What a productive way to spend your retirement.
Jessica and I were just starting to think about that stuff.
- I'd love to pick your brain.
- Or what's left of it.
Well, why don't we leave the ladies to their Mary Kay and go to my place? I can show you my training room.
I built it myself when I retired.
Oh, you hear that, Jessica? Since Richard is retired, he has time to build himself a home gym.
[Chuckles] I'd love to see it.
Fire up a lat pole.
[Chuckles] Great.
But, actually, it's not a home gym.
I-It's a room for my model train.
I like to watch it go through the tunnels.
Every time, I don't think it's gonna come out, but [Laughing] then it does! Mm.
Thanks again for letting me watch your HBO, Uncle Marvin.
Are you kidding? I should be thanking you for introducing me to this pun-tastic look at the lives and loves of these crazy "Sex and the City" gals.
Yeah.
[Laughs] Honestly, I don't know why Tina likes this show.
All they do is eat brunch, - walk to brunch, or miss a brunch.
- Ah.
Feels like a lot of brunches.
Well, I know what I like about this show, and it's right there in the title.
The city.
Oh, thank God.
I've never seen the Big Apple look so vibrant.
The food, the cabs, the fresh possibility of a fistfight around every corner.
I can see why these gals date so much.
It'd be hard not to fall in love in NYC.
[Chuckles] What are you doing? Hey, I thought you were sleeping.
I was acting.
All right, I'm headed off to orientation.
I hope everyone came prepared, because I don't loan out pencils.
Surprise! I took the morning off so I could drive you to school.
Aww, Louis, that is so sweet.
Open my door for me when we get there.
I want everyone to think I'm a trust-fund baby.
How are they gonna think you're a trust-fund baby if you're carrying your books in Mom's Mervyn's bag? Bill Gates flies coach.
- Louis, you missed your turn.
- No, I didn't.
Because today, you're not going to school.
And I'm not going to work.
- Today, we're retired.
- What? I'm gonna show you what our lives will be like at Rancho Contento.
[Chuckles] Are you contento yet? It means "happy.
" [Sighs] Look at us Two relaxed retirees.
Don't you feel free? No.
I feel like I'm being kidnapped.
Can't we pretend to be old, lazy people another day? You got your turn to show me what you think retirement will be like with Richard.
Now it's my turn.
I spent two hours in that train room.
[Shudders] I can still hear the choo-choos.
Okay, fine.
Let's be retired.
But if my brain turns to mush, it's on you.
Great! What is this place? Are we at a mall? No, it's an outdoor shopping center.
But this is just an example.
The pier at Rancho Contento will be much better.
And we won't hear the screams from the piercing kiosk.
That's the only part I like.
Focus on the fishing.
O, Lady Sea, will she release her scaled bounty or drag us all to her murky depths? That man fell asleep with a burrito in his mouth.
Well, he earned that.
After a lifetime of hard work, he's allowed a burrito nap.
You know what I remember from fishing with my uncle? He said that when a shark stops moving, it dies.
These sharks, they're all dead.
Oh, come on.
They're still vibrant, curious people with full lives.
Ha! Oh.
Oh, now you're too good to wave at Old Tom, eh? Go to hell, Harriet! Oh, Rancho Contento would've weeded that guy out.
[Upbeat music plays] In New York City, a single guy only needs three things A fabulous outfit, a fabulous plan to get his ex back, and the support of a fabulous crew.
Yeah Love the look, Eddie, but it's a little fancy for "Dance Dance Revolution.
" Yeah, maybe you should change.
About that Before I drive us, I need a teeny-tiny Tina favor.
After watching "Sex and the City," I realized Duh What better way to show Tina I'm broadening my horizons than by sweeping her off her feet and taking her to the most romantic city in the world? Ooh, Pensacola.
Niiiiice.
New York City.
But since I obviously can't afford that, I'm gonna create a brunch date at a cool NYC restaurant right here With your help, of course.
Sweet idea, Eddie.
You can explain what brunch is to us in the car.
Nah, this is way more important than the arcade.
I've been trying to get Tina back for weeks.
Okay, so, I'll be the cook.
Walter, you'll be the waiter.
And, Trent, you'll be the busker who plays sax for us as we exit the restaurant.
- I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- I know! In what universe am I not the busker? Look at this face Total busker.
TRENT: No, he means Eddie promised to take us to the arcade, and now he's trying to get us to do some lame "get Tina back scheme" instead.
Hey, the scheme is not lame! Or is it? I'm open to suggestions.
- [Sighs] It's always about you, Eddie.
- Yeah.
All we talk about is you and ways for you to get Tina back.
WALTER: You haven't even asked about Brian.
He's got mono, Eddie The kissing disease.
Well, I'm trying to get the kissing disease! [Door opens, closes] You guys won't even help! [Indistinct conversations] Ugh.
All I taste is swamp.
You're supposed to say "notes of swamp.
" [Chuckles] Anyway, the wine I make at Rancho Contento will be better.
Maybe.
Or maybe we'll be so dumb from being retired, we won't even know what tastes good anymore.
[Laughing] I didn't realize I was on stage at the Chuckle Factory.
Sorry.
[Chuckles] It's just, we used to think the same thing about retirement.
I was sure I would suddenly turn stupid.
I thought if I stopped moving, I would die.
[Laughs] You two are retired? Mm-hmm.
But you seem so not dead.
Active.
She means active.
[Both chuckle] Oh, we are.
I'm building my own library at home.
Even got a microfiche.
And Kent here plans all our trips.
I was a financial advisor for 20 years, and Linda was an attorney, so we were always too busy to travel.
But now we get to make up for all the together time we missed.
Yeah.
[Glasses clink] [Chuckles] But now that you don't work, do you ever get Hopelessly bored? Honestly, no.
I had my name on a law firm for 10 years.
My legacy is set.
I feel like I earned this time to do whatever I want, you know? That could be us, Jessica The cool retired couple at the winery who also make their own wines? That sounds like a conflict of interest, but maybe you're right.
KENT: Uh, just a tip from someone who tried.
Make limoncello instead.
Homemade wine is fungus city.
And the bathtub Not a great fermenting vessel.
GRANDMA: Check the pillow.
Don't tell Evan I was snooping.
I don't talk to that kid unless I have to.
[Zipper opens] [Exhales sharply] EVAN: Monday dreamt Emery was eaten by a great white shark.
Tuesday dreamt Emery fell off a cliff.
Wednesday Dreamt Emery was attacked by a swarm of killer bees.
I woke up laughing.
I die in all these dreams? Does Evan want to kill me? [Laughs] O-Oh Oh, sorry, but it's funny when you picture it.
Beard of bees? Funny.
[Laughs] [Somber jazz music plays on TV] [Laughs] I like the cut of Miranda's jib.
How 'bout you? Huh? Sorry.
I just can't believe my friends.
I had the perfect plan to get Tina back, and they wouldn't help me.
My crew should support me - like Carrie's crew supports her.
- Yeah.
These gals would do anything for Carrie.
- Exactly! - Yeah.
You think Miranda would leave Carrie in the lurch to go to some dumb arcade? Hell no! Miranda's ride-or-die.
Yeah.
Heck, they all are, for each other.
Look, Eddie.
You know, the more I watch this show, the more I see it's not about sex or brunch or even New York City.
It's about these four friends.
I guess so.
And Manolo, whoever that is.
Yeah.
They're always gonna be there for each other.
Have you always been there for your boys? That's what makes a crew a crew.
I mean, that and dressing up as a cow to break out of a Thai prison.
[Chuckles] EDDIE: I couldn't help but wonder In trying to become a better man for Tina, did I end up becoming a bad friend to my boys? [Door opens] Well, the Cattleman's suggestion box was full of barbecue sauce again.
I miss being retired.
You know, I had fun being retired, too.
Especially meeting Kent and Linda.
They're doing it right.
I knew you'd come around on retirement! Does this mean you're open to Rancho Contento? I think someday, I might be.
Really? You know, if we send in our deposits now, we can still get that early-bird deal.
Shall I grab the checkbooks? You can, but I already spent my retirement.
That money's gone.
Wh [Gulps] You know, this swamp wine really grows on you.
What do you mean the money's gone? Where has it gone? To Orlando State.
I used the savings from my retirement to double my class load.
So now I will graduate in two years, not four.
What? How could you do that? If you're worried about the early withdrawal penalties from the Roth IRA, don't be.
We're good.
I called Kent.
Who?! The cool retired guy from the winery.
I also got his recipe for limoncello.
Don't touch the jars in the pantry for six to eight months.
I can't believe you'd rather spend money on school than our retirement! I mean, school sucks! That's what the majority of graffiti is about! [Indistinct talking] 'Sup, guys? Look, this isn't easy for me to say YOUNG MAN: Hey! No cutskis.
I'm not cutting, man.
I'm just trying to talk to my friends.
I've got my eyes on you.
As I was saying, I'm sorry if I've been a bad friend.
Especially when you guys have listened to me talk about Tina basically nonstop.
You have been kind of obsessed.
I know, and I appreciate you guys putting up with it.
Y'all are like my Miranda, my Samantha, my Charlotte, and my Carrie.
And I'm lucky to be more like - a Stanford Blatch in the crew.
- Who? Oh, he's this dope gay dude who should be more of a major character.
The point is, it can't just be me all the time.
Now, let's "Dance Dance Revolution.
" I bribed him with Cattleman's ribs to take you guys to the front.
- [Exhales sharply] Thanks, Eddie.
- I can finally pee! No, no, no, no, no.
You cannot cutski.
No cutskis! And king me.
Again.
Sorry, Grandma.
It's not you who I want to destroy.
I can't take this anymore! Why do you want to kill me? What makes you say that, dear brother? Because I read your dream journal, okay? I die in all of your dreams.
Aha! I knew it.
But there's one thing you didn't count on.
That journal was a fake.
I planted it to teach you a lesson.
Maybe now you'll respect my privacy.
So you didn't actually dream those horrible things? You spent hours imagining them and writing them in a fake journal? That's worse.
I didn't write it.
Grandma did.
What? [Sighs] Hm.
Your limoncello is terrible.
I told you it's not ready yet.
[Sighs] And neither am I.
[Sighs] Louis, I would love to retire with you one day.
I just don't feel like I've earned it yet.
What do you mean? Well, talking to Linda about her legacy made me realize I haven't accomplished enough.
What? That's crazy! You're a great parent, you're head of the PTA, not to mention everything you've done for Cattleman's.
I know, but it's "Louis Huang's Cattleman's Ranch" on the sign.
I want my name on something.
That's why I need to go back to school and become the best principal so I can cement my own legacy Get my name on a door, maybe a whole school.
Maybe even a college.
"The University of Phoenix and Jessica Huang.
" Mnh, no.
Not that, but something similar.
Then I can relax and fish and get dumb with you at Rancho Contento knowing that my name lives on.
I get it.
You want to make an impact.
"College of William & Mary & Jessica Huang.
" Or "Jessica Huang presents Harvard University.
" Ah.
That's good.
[Chuckles] [School bell rings] [Indistinct conversations] Hey, Eddie.
Trent told me how you VIP'ed your friends at the arcade.
That was really cool of you.
What good is a greased rib if you can't grease a palm or two? [Laughs] Um, Trent also said you've been watching a lot of "Sex and the City.
" And Manolo? That's a shoe.
Oh, God.
That makes so much more sense.
Want to hang out tomorrow, talk "SATC"? I'd love to, but I got big brunch plans with my crew.
Rain check? Definitely.
Journal is not gonna believe this.
Surprise.
[Sighs] Louis, if you try to kidnap me again, I will call campus security.
They are guaranteed to respond within 9 to 13 minutes.
I just need five.
I have a present for you.
I can't let you go back to school without a real backpack.
Now, this is just a start, but I know you'll have your name on a door or a building in no time.
Aww.
That is very sweet.
Unsafe, because now potential muggers will know my name, but it's very sweet.
That's not all.
Look inside.
I cashed out my retirement account, too.
Now you can go full-time.
Oh! Louis, thank you! Oh, now I can join the OrlanDo-Re-Mi's.
It's the a cappella group.
Once I get in, I'm changing the name to "Jessica and the Do-Re-Mi's.
" Mimosa? Don't worry.
It's just OJ and Sprite.
Well, hell, why not? As Samantha would say, "I'll try anything once.
" So, brunch is just breakfast at lunchtime.
["Careless Whisper" plays on saxophone] [Sour notes play]