Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s05e19 Episode Script

Vice Mommy

1 As you all know, I have recently enrolled in Orlando State University's prestigious school administration program.
I was holding for applause.
Thank you, thank you.
You're too kind.
It's time this bird flew back to school to become the teacher-boss she was always meant to be.
I won't be around as much, but don't worry.
I will be leaving you in very capable hands.
Everybody, please give your full attention and respect to Evan.
Thank you.
It's an honor.
Evan's in charge? But what about Dad? Oh, well, I can't be in charge 'cause I'm too busy running the restaurant.
Yes, that's exactly it.
I have appointed Evan to the position of Vice Mommy.
Vice Mommy? Sounds like a made-up job.
Well, "Emery" sounds like a made-up name, so [Chuckles] Vice Mommy, the floor is yours.
I want to work with you, not at you, so, please, for the love of God, work with me.
I don't hear applause.
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat There's a cookie in here with your name on it, but promise me you'll eat your carrots first.
Yes, Vice Mommy.
[Rustling, zipper closes] Wait, did you Hide Dad's purple tie so he doesn't waste 15 minutes debating if he can pull it off? Yes.
Good.
Did you Clean the hair out of the drain so Emery doesn't think it's a shower rat? No.
He needs to learn.
Yes.
He must be braver.
[Sighs] I guess I'm just nervous.
As the roaring engine of the Huang family machine, I'm afraid things will fall apart without me.
Maybe I should just stay home, put school off for another year or 10.
Woman! That's crazy talk! This is your dream! I know, but what if Eddie forgets to pack for Taiwan or Grandma succeeds in throwing that party she's been threatening to throw for two years? Relax.
I've got you covered.
I've even scheduled Vice Mommy Reports, or "VMRs.
" Each night, we'll decompress over a game of Scrabble, and I'll fill you in on news from the home front.
Sounds good.
Sprinkle in some current events, too.
I like to be informed.
Come on.
You'll miss the bus.
I'm driving.
They grow up so fast.
Thank you, Evan.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
[Door opens, closes] Don't even think about it.
[Sighs] Why are you such a bummer? Because things are changing around here.
A lesser boy may be worried about losing his mommy to school, but not me.
I'm gonna make sure everything runs perfectly so that Mommy will have more than enough time for me.
I'll take that as a compliment.
Now, please, turn around and count to 30 so I can hide the phone.
[Button clacks] [Whirring] Hey, delivery boy, these guys may look like regular cans, but they're all secretly wallets.
You can borrow 'em for your trip.
Oh, thanks! But I'll respectfully pass on "Sensitive Skin" here.
Don't want thieves thinking I can't handle a normal shave.
Oh, man.
I can't believe you're traveling abroad, all by yourself.
Yeah, I'm pretty stoked for this cultural exchange program.
I feel worldly and mature, like I just tried sushi for the first time.
And you're not freaked out at all? Taiwan's pretty far away.
Like, farther than England.
The only thing I'm nervous about is asking Tina to be my girlfriend before I go.
She challenged me to improve myself, and I think I have.
I noticed you've been carrying around a hanky.
Oh, my gentleman's napkin? Yeah.
I think I'm ready to ask her out.
I'd say so.
You and my sister going steady how thrilling.
Have you picked out the pin? Can I see? The pin? To make it official, my dad says you have to offer up a pin.
I keep one on me at all times.
Oh, crap.
Is this another one of the old man's antiquated customs? Until last year, I thought every family practiced hiding underground in case the Ruskis get any ideas.
[Triangle clanging] Gather 'round, Cattlemen and women! It is that time of the month.
Uh, I mean, it's Employee of the Month time.
[Chuckles] Now, the winner of this month's award is clearly driven.
He's had this in the bag.
He never phones it in, but you can always count on him to deliver.
[Chuckles] I wonder who it is! The winner is my baby boy Who is it? You still don't get it? Eddie! [Chuckles] Huh.
Must be nice to be the boss' son.
Uh, Dad, thanks, but I don't want you to give me special treatment just because I'm your son.
No, there's no special treatment.
You earned this fair and square.
[Baby-talking] I can't help it if my little boy is killing it at his big, grown-up job! [Chuckles] Wow, our first Asian Employee of the Month.
What took so long, Louis? [Grunts] Sat on my pin! Don't you dare tell anyone I'm dating my butt.
I'm adding an "I-V-E.
" "Productive"! Which is what I've been while you were at school.
Is this really your best work? - Yeah.
- Okay.
If you think it's your best work, then I believe you.
Mm.
These definitely aren't worker hands.
Smooth as the city.
Sorry.
It's what Mommy would say.
So, uh, a li'l birdie told me you were making it official with Tina.
Let me guess.
Is this li'l birdie dating his own butt? Ah, ah, ah! Personal conversations after chores.
Pretty good job, right? Mommy? This is our time.
- I'm totally listening.
What's up? - Something wrong? You played "sad" and didn't make anything plural.
I'm thinking about school.
Oh.
I see.
I got a B on my first assignment.
Not you! You're an A-plus Mommy! - How did this happen?! - I don't know! I'm doing my best, and the professor loves me.
I mean, can you blame her? Well, what can I do to help? I am your Vice Mommy, after all.
And you're doing a great job.
I'm sure I'll figure it out.
I think I'm gonna turn in.
We'll just call this a tie.
A tie? [Whirring] So, I don't need a big party.
What if I invite, like, oh, four friends over? We stay in my room.
My friends are cool.
We'll keep it chill.
Not now.
I'm losing Mommy time because she's not doing well in school.
I wish she would just let me help.
You? Help? [Laughs] What you going to do, huh? Stow away in her backpack? [Laughs] Ah.
Toasted.
[Laughs] [Door opens, closes] Big tips tonight.
Look close.
You might even see a Lincoln.
What the hell? TRENT: Whew! Quite a load.
You got your nickel's worth out of that diaper.
The whole staff signed it to wish you a good trip! - Do you like it? - No! I hate it! I-I'm not wearing pants in some of these.
Oh, come on.
You're adorable! Look at those tender baby-boy thighs.
Don't call me "baby boy"! Chad can totally hear us.
Just look busy, like you can't even hear.
Listen, you're doing so great at work, and you're about to travel abroad all alone.
I can't help but be proud.
Fine, but that doesn't mean you need to broadcast your feelings at work.
Just act like my boss, please.
I'm nothing if not boss-like.
Well, most bosses don't have access to their employees' baby pictures.
Please, just leave your dad hat at home.
[Sighs] No more special treatment.
I'm your employee here.
That's it.
But you bought me Springsteen tickets for Father's Day! The Boss on Father's Day? You started this confusion! If we're changing our Employee of the Month photos, I'd love to use one where my eyes aren't so open.
I'd also love a few weeks so I can get a tan.
Just so you know, none of these are plastic.
Thank you, Jessica.
With this harvest, I won't have to visit the doctor for at least a month.
[Forced laughter] Oh, that's a very good joke, Professor.
Let's remember this happy feeling always.
You know, especially come grading time.
[Chuckles] 'Scuse me.
Is this seat taken? - Evan? - That's right.
There's a new big man on campus, and he's little.
Evan, this is grown-up school.
Kids aren't allowed here.
It's okay.
I'm only here to help.
I'm an excellent student.
Is this a friend of yours? [Forced laughter] Each joke funnier than the last.
- Mm.
- Evan Huang.
Believe it or not, this young lady right here is my mother.
Good genes.
What can I say? Sorry to impose, but we had some childcare issues.
It's so hard to find good help these days.
Isn't it, though? Is it all right if I stay? I have some coloring to catch up on.
You won't even know I'm here.
I don't see why not.
[Chuckles] [Sighs] I'm afraid my class load is far too great for me to hold office hours.
Instead, uh, you all know my T.
A.
, Burt Palouska.
"Professor too busy.
Needs help from Burt Papusa.
" Burt is more than willing to help.
He is going to pass out a sign-up sheet right now.
A little bit about me My full name is Ferburt.
I am not a family man.
I do have s Burt, the sign-up sheet.
Oh.
Right.
Oh, no, thanks.
You're not the real teacher.
Oh.
Bingo.
I didn't realize this trip required so much shaving.
Oh, my travel cans? They're all secretly wallets.
I stored all my money in them.
Emery, you're supposedly good with ladies, right? This is supposedly true.
Well, let me ask you.
If I wanted to impress Tina, would cooking her a romantic dinner be a good idea? That's a great idea.
She'll melt just like butter on top of some hot food.
[Chuckles] LOUIS: You know, the person you should be thinking about is your boss.
Have you told him about your trip? Dad, you know about my trip.
Oh, yes, I know about your trip, but your boss doesn't.
I'm lost.
Did a famous musician take over Cattleman's again? Well, since we're at home, I have my dad hat on.
Allow me to give you some fatherly advice.
Whenever you take a trip, you always need to check in at work, fill out the proper time-off forms, et cetera.
For real? For real.
You said you didn't want any special treatment.
Ew.
All your money's wet.
Wow.
College is like the Wild, Wild West.
People coming and going without bathroom passes.
Somebody had a computer.
There was a girl who could sit on her own hair.
Ugh.
Denise.
When she buns it up, I can't see the board.
Well, it was so great spending the day together.
And also, I figured out your problem.
- It's Burt.
- What's Burt? The T.
A.
He holds the key to your A.
Guy who turns on the projector? Yeah.
He's also the one who grades the papers and does all the grunt work while the professor soaks in all the glory.
He's the wind beneath her wings.
Exactly.
So you need to win him over.
Go to his office hours.
Invite him over here to dinner.
And together, we'll charm him all the way to A-Plus Town.
Or, better yet - A-Plus City.
- Mm.
It's like a town, but with more people and more crime.
There comes a time in every young man's life when he's faced with the question Are you gonna beat this duck à l'orange recipe, or are you gonna let this duck à l'orange recipe beat you? Scoot over, li'l bro.
I gotta cook for my would-be lady before I leave.
- Work my culinary magic.
- Sorry, can't.
I need the kitchen so I can dazzle Burt Papusa.
Who the hell is Burt Papusa? I don't have time to explain who everyone is to you! If you look at the family schedule, you'll see that I have reserved the kitchen.
As Vice Mommy, I'm gonna have to insist that you leave.
You're gonna have to find another kitchen for your little flirt fest.
What is going on in this house? You're the mom, Dad's the boss, and Grandma asked me to drive her to get a keg.
Please tell me you didn't.
Relax.
She refused to put a deposit down on the tap, so we just turned around.
[Sighs] Damn, girl! You finished that whole steak! [Thinking] What was that? Come on, Huang! You're trying to ask this girl out! I'm just messing with you.
[Laughs] You're damn right I ate that whole steak! I always finish what I start.
I'm not afraid of commitment.
Oh, man, she's giving you nothing.
You're just gonna have to go for it.
Um, look, Tina.
I have something I want to ask.
What's all this? Hey, Mr.
Huang.
Tina.
Always a pleasure.
Ooh, clean plate club.
Nice.
[Chuckles] Eddie, a word, please? Dad, you just interrupted my romantic moment.
Look, no one wants you and Tina together more than me, but you used the work kitchen without permission.
If you were any other employee, you'd be fired.
See, Evan kicked me out, so I had to find another Stop right there.
We're at work.
I have my boss hat on.
I can't get in the middle of your family drama.
Come on, Dad.
You're taking this too far.
You're the one who wanted to draw these lines, but only when it was convenient for you.
Clean the kitchen now! I should let you get back to work.
Um, I'll walk you out.
It's fine.
Do your thing.
I'll see you later, okay? Thanks a lot, boss.
It was worth the battle to get Mommy to buy these butter knives.
[Door opens] Evan, your plan worked.
Oh, it did? What a surprise! Burt was thrilled that I attended his office hours.
Yes.
I love it.
Where is that son of a gun? My duck's getting cold.
Oh, change of plans.
Burt invited me to join his study group that meets tonight! So, he's not coming for dinner? No.
But the duck looks great, though.
You keep cooking like this for the family, you're gonna make me look bad.
Wait! We still need to do our VMR.
Oh, you don't have to do those for me anymore.
I know you have everything under control.
[Door closes] Hey, Julia Child.
I'm taking this guy back to my room.
Maybe a fun party will turn your frown upside-down? [Sighs] I can't believe my plan backfired.
Instead of securing more time with Mommy, I've pushed her into the waiting arms of Burt Papusa.
Aren't you going to ask who Burt Papusa is? I assume he's a wrestler.
Well, he's wrestled Mommy away from me.
That's for sure.
As long as you're taking care of everything here, she will be free to focus on wrestling her new friends.
You're right! Maybe I've been going about this the wrong way.
Maybe you and I can both get what we want.
Listen, I'm not gonna tell you where the phone is, but I will tell you it's somewhere that rhymes with "coven.
" Hmm.
"Coven.
" Oh! Oven.
It's in the oven.
I hid the phone in the oven.
[School bell rings] [Indistinct conversations] Here's my leave-of-absence paperwork for Cattleman's.
Dad said I should give it to you.
Do we have to do this here? I like to keep work and school separate.
- Not you, too! - Whoa! Easy, cowboy.
Tell your old pal Trent what's wrong.
I asked my dad to respect my boundaries, and now he's being a tyrant.
A tyrant? That doesn't sound like the Louis I know and love.
Don't take his side! Oh, sorry.
This is awkward for me.
I'm really good friends with you both.
You have to admit we wouldn't be in this fight if he didn't lay on the special treatment so thick.
Eddie, you're not the only one who gets special treatment.
Remember when I made the honor roll and he named that dessert after me? Trent-a-misu? Yeah.
And when Hector adopted that cat? Happy Meow Day to you Happy Meow Day to you I didn't know you were in there! Your dad treats all us employees like family.
I feel terrible.
I just got so self-conscious when Hector said, "Must be nice to be the boss' son.
" Oh.
He meant that literally.
Don't feel bad.
Hector's a puzzle I've been trying to solve for months.
Wow.
And you're really good at puzzles, too.
I know! I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra, and Rita And as I continue, you know they getting sweeter So what can I do? I really beg you, my Lord To me, flirting is just like a sport What the hell is this? "MTV Beach House"? You guys know you can smoke in here, huh? I don't care.
I live in the garage! [Laughter] Jenny, I have told you a thousand times No parties! I'll deal with you later.
Where's Evan? I'm over here.
[Sighs] Evan! You were supposed to be in charge.
What happened? I tried to stop her, but I only have so much power.
I'm just Vice Mommy.
Don't you take that matronizing tone with me.
Okay, party's over! Everybody out! [People groaning] Don't make me call your kids! Jump up and down, move it all [Triangle clanging] Cattlemen and women, gather 'round! Eddie, I don't remember giving you permission to ring Gertie.
It'll be worth it.
Trust me.
I'd like to start by saying I had the Huang attitude about Employee of the Month.
"Huang" is a substitute for "wrong.
" Nice wordplay.
I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to a special someone.
If he was a city, he'd be St.
Louis.
Is it me? Where are you going with this, Eddie? I'm sorry I was such a jerk before.
You're not only the best dad in the world, you're also the best boss.
[Chuckles] So, with your blessing, I would like to re-accept Employee of the Month, but under one condition.
That you share it with me.
[Gasps] I'd be honored.
Sorry I went overboard with the baby pictures.
I've just really enjoyed you working here, and I wanted to make sure you knew how I felt before you left for Taiwan.
I always know how you feel, embarrassing special treatment or not.
Well, shall we get back to it? Sure, but I have one more favor.
I know we're at work, but can you put your dad hat back on long enough to give me advice about Tina? [Sighs] Find me on your break.
This is what happens when I'm away? Yes.
I guess you should just quit now and come back home.
You going back to school was a big mistake.
No, my big mistake was giving you too much responsibility! Maybe I should put Emery in charge.
- He can't handle it! - I can't handle it.
Hey, w-why not me? [Sighs] It wasn't too much for me.
I let Grandma have the party on purpose.
What?! What is going on with you? Why would you do that? Because! You were obsessed with school, not to mention Burt.
- Who's Burt? - Not now! A hot wrestler.
[Sighs] I thought I could handle you going back to school, but I'm afraid I'm losing you.
Evan, you're not losing me.
I know this is a big adjustment.
You know, when you first started school, I was scared of losing you, too.
- Really? - Yes.
And it was hard.
But then I saw how great school was for you.
You were so happy.
The classroom was my playground.
You came home every day with something new to tell me, and I need to make sure I can do the same.
So Vice Mommy Reports are back on.
No exceptions.
Deal? Deal.
You hear that, you two? Clean up this mess.
You wanted this party so badly.
I'll clean whatever.
I'm just happy not to be in charge.
You'll be happy to know that I helped Eddie avoid a packing disaster.
He had all these cans in his suitcase.
I threw them all in the recycling so he knew he had to pack for real.
- I've taught you well.
- Mm.
Tina, I'll cut right to it.
I'm shipping out.
Okay? I know we've been figuring out our relationship, but I'm here to tell you, I'm a one-woman man And that woman is you.
I'm not gonna force your hand, but I want you to know, while I'm away, I'll be thinking of you.
And when I return, I want to take you out on a romantic date.
I'm thinking hot wings? What do you say? Well? Your boy's off the market! [Laughs] Yes! That's my employee! [Laughs]