Full House s01e06 Episode Script

Daddy's Home

Now, Michelle, stay right here.
Where you gonna go? You're in a baby jail.
I'm ready for Stephanie's recital.
You think the shirt and tie go? Well, I think the shirt and the tie should go.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Stephanie, you've been rehearsing for three days straight.
You're this close to ballerina burnout.
Stephanie.
Stephanie.
- Stephanie.
- Stephanie.
I am not Stephanie.
I'm a swan who's about to kick the bucket.
Oh, God.
There's a dead swan in the living room.
Joey.
I'm alive.
I was just acting.
No.
Get out of town.
Unbelievable! That's Daddy.
I don't want him to see me in my tutu until showtime.
Yikes! Sorry I'm late.
I was editing my feature on great moments in bowling and I got held up when I couldn't find a second moment.
Oh, Dad, after Stephanie's recital, we hit the big sale at the Fashion Mart.
Everything is half off.
Of course, that doesn't save me any money because you'll just buy twice as much stuff.
I like your attitude.
It's Saturday afternoon, I'm all dressed up and where am I going? A munchkin ballet.
Uncle Jesse, hot outfit.
Help Joey.
Very sharp, Joseph.
Where you going after the ballet? Don Ho's wedding? Jesse, it's for you.
How do you know she's not here to see me? - Jesse! - Adrianna, have mercy.
How are you? If she's here to see you, she's very nice to your friends.
Let me introduce my roommates.
This is Danny Tanner and this is King Kamehameha.
You guys will never guess where I met this girl.
- A PTA meeting? - Close.
Skydiving.
He missed the target and dropped right into my Alfa Romeo.
"Dropped right into my Alfa"-- I love that.
Anyway, she asked me to come back to her place and it turned out her place was in Rome.
- Come on.
I'll make some Spaghetti-Os.
- All right.
The guy is amazing.
He takes off, just like that, goes to Rome.
No toothbrush.
No clean underwear.
What a life.
Now, that is my fantasy.
You fantasize about having bad breath and dirty underwear? Michelle.
Hi, Michelle.
Oh, hi! Say "Dada.
" Say "Dada.
" Say "Da.
" Say: She's so close, I can feel it.
Say "Dada.
" Come on.
Dada, okay? Now get off my back.
Hello.
Really? The station wants me to cover the game of the week? That's great.
No, that's not great.
Look, my little girl is having her first ballet recital.
Any chance Stanford and UCLA could delay the kickoff? You know, like, three, four hours? Hey, I took a shot.
All right.
Yeah, I'll be there.
You're gonna miss my recital? I'm really sorry, honey.
I feel terrible.
It's okay, Dad.
Me and Steph understand you have to work.
But it's great having your dad on TV.
Right, Steph? Yeah.
That part's fun.
I guess we're gonna miss the big sale too.
That's okay.
We can go some other time.
And pay full price.
Can I help you? I need to talk to you.
Go ahead.
Talk.
So here's what I'm thinking: I think I need to make some changes in my life.
Bran.
Eat more bran.
What I mean by change is more danger, more excitement more Adrianna.
I'll be right back.
And I'll be right here.
Come here.
Come here.
- What do you want? - I want your life.
- Were you always like this? - No, I wasn't always like this.
I was like you.
Then I turned 4.
I remember, man, my dad got me my first bike.
Sailed into the driveway, ripped off the training wheels packed a bag, and took off to adventure.
If my dad hadn't snagged me, I'd have made it all the way to the Dairy Queen.
See, I love that story.
That's what I want: a life without training wheels.
You know something, kid? I like you.
I could give you that life.
But understand, when you talk about a life like mine you're talking about living on the edge, man.
You're talking about taking risks.
You're talking about buying a new wardrobe.
Are you, Joseph Gladstone, ready to make that kind of commitment? I am ready to be committed.
All right.
And now I get one.
Jesse! Jesse! What could you possibly want? How was Stephanie's recital? She came out, she danced, she died.
Oh, God, I wish I could have been there.
I rushed home, there's time to take the girls shopping.
I already took care of it.
Had to take Joey shopping so I took the girls to the sale, saved you a few bucks.
That was nice of you.
Hey, girls! Come on downstairs and model your new clothes for your dad.
- Go! - Jesse.
Why don't I just wait for you back at the hotel and I'll try on this cute little outfit you bought me.
Bye.
Have mercy.
Oh, you're gonna love this.
And now the lovely Donna Jo.
Donna Jo is sporting that lovely fall look.
She's got a tomato-red hat for that tomato-head look.
And, hey, look at them shoulders, huh? Too much, baby.
Thank you, Donna Jo.
And now Stephanie.
The young Stephanie, just back from Milan steps out in style in her multicolored print.
She's a nice kid, but she's got a back problem.
Thank you, Stephanie.
Thank you, Stephanie.
Thank you, Stephanie.
Thanks, Steph! And now for the latest in the always exciting world of toddler fashion the lovely, scintillating Michelle.
Michelle is sporting that look that says: "Hey, babe, it's the late '80s and I'm loving every minute of it.
" Grab her.
Come here, you little weasel.
Looks like I missed out on a really special day.
My little girls, they're growing up so fast.
And now, taking a major fashion risk is the ultimate macho, macho man, Big Joe Stud! Joey! Shut up, punk.
Joey, you know, you actually make Michael Jackson look tough.
Michelle, you're gonna be such a fox when you get older.
Dada.
Jesse, my little girl just called you "Dada.
" No, she didn't call me "Dada.
" She called me.
She called me "dodo.
" Well, here.
Here's your dad.
There.
Lay a "dad" on him.
Come on.
Hi, remember me? Remember? I'm your biological dada.
Come on, you little Muppet.
The guy's really asking for a "dada.
" Can't you give him a "dada"? Come on.
I'm your Uncle Jesse.
Dada.
I'm not your dad.
Here.
Give me the babe.
Dada.
Here.
Hi.
It's me, Dada.
Dada, Dada, Dada.
My sweet little baby, my own flesh and blood thinks that you two are her father.
Oh, my God! My little baby doesn't have the foggiest idea who I am.
How many of us really know who we are? This is all my fault.
I'm working too many hours.
I've gotta spend more time with my children.
Uncle Jesse bought us these to go clubbing.
Can we keep them, Dad? Dad.
She called me "Dad.
" Girls, I am taking all three of you out for father-daughter day.
All right, Daddy! She called me "Daddy" too.
Pretty darn exciting, huh? You wanna jump that fountain again? That's all right.
Joseph, we're off the bike.
So I should let go of you now? Either that or we have a lot of explaining to do to my parents.
Get off me.
- How did you like that ride? - Jesse, it was a revelation.
I saw God! In fact, I think we lapped him.
You got the look, you got the feel.
All you gotta do is get on a bike and ride to adventure.
Yeah, baby! I'm hell-bound! Whoa! You ain't hell-bound on my bike.
Nobody rides my bike but me.
You need a bike? Take your pick.
And if you miss thatsound, put some cards in the spokes.
You know what you are? You're a bike tease.
You get a guy all fired up, and then you say "No.
" Well, I want danger.
I want adventure.
I want to ride your pig.
That's "hog.
" All right, Joey.
Once around the block.
Go ahead.
Now, listen, you be very careful.
You hear me? I can't watch this.
Whoa, whoa, hold it! What's your problem, dude? You gotta open the garage door, dude.
Radical.
Daddy, why are you making feet movies? Because I love you, and I love your little feet.
What's going on? Daddy loves me and he loves my little feet.
I want to preserve every minute of your lives.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
Do you wanna reload? Wait a minute, D.
J.
Girls, I have a surprise for you.
I am not going to work today.
Today is father-daughter day, part two.
- Yay! - Yay! Wait a minute, Dad.
How can you do this? Sunday's your busiest day.
I worked it out.
I'm working New Year's Eve, but I worked it out.
This is your day.
We can do whatever you want.
- What do you wanna do? - Can we take a cruise around the bay? - It's your day.
- Then can we go horseback riding? - It's your day.
- Then can we buy a big-screen TV a CD player, and couple of mopeds? Why don't I just get you your own MasterCard? It is my day.
Hello.
Joey! You've been gone since yesterday.
Get your butt back here right now-- "Chill out, babe"? Listen, you little leather-clad weasel.
I created you, I can destroy you-- Hello? Hey-- I never taught him "chill out.
" Safe.
Ho, ho, ho.
It's your last Christmas.
Tell Santa what kind of tombstone you want.
- Jesse-- - I said once around the block.
Once around the block.
Where were you? - Jesse, I can explain everything.
- Once.
You know what once means? Hi, girls.
Yeah, like that old trick's supposed to work.
- Hi, Uncle Jesse.
- Hi, Joey.
Hey, girls, how are you? I was just welcoming home Joseph.
Girls, let's give the boys a moment to get reacquainted.
All right, speak, geek.
You better have one hell of a story.
Jesse, as soon as I left the driveway your spirit entered my body.
I knew that it was your spirit because my hair expanded.
All right, all right.
Quit sucking up and tell the story.
Then she appeared.
in red leather.
And what did my spirit tell you to do? I threw the babe on the back of the bike, popped a wheelie and said, "Have mercy.
" Now, that's my spirit.
That's my spirit, see? Then we cruised into Vegas checked into Caesars, hit the crap tables.
Hour and a half later, I'm up $14,000.
Fourteen thousand dollars? That's a lot of money.
And you have a pretty girl.
Did you? You know? Yep.
Got married.
Then it got interesting.
We hopped on a jet for the Big Apple, helicoptered into Manhattan where we quickly produced a revival of the Broadway smash Porgy and Bess.
You don't believe a word of this, do you? Not a syllable.
- Well, let's give the truth a whirl.
- Okay.
I met a girl who lives just down the street.
She wasn't dressed in red leather.
She had a nice wallet.
So we went to her place where I did win $14,000 in Monopoly money.
Then I fell asleep on her couch.
You believe that, don't you? I have to.
You put a mile and a half on the bike.
Jesse, I'm sorry I was gone so long.
Hope I didn't let you down.
You didn't let me down.
Maybe you didn't have a wild and crazy adventure but you had a cute little adventurette.
And you know what I found out? No matter what I wear or what I'm riding on, I'm still gonna be Joey.
And you know something? That's okay.
Damn right it's okay.
All right, Big Joe Stud.
Yeah, I guess I am pretty studly.
Okay, out of my way, dude.
Going upstairs to take a bubble bath.
Daddy, I love father-daughter day.
Me too, sweetheart.
Tomorrow, it's back to the real world.
I go to work, and you girls go to school.
Oh, fudge.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Great day, huh, Deej? Yeah.
Major fun.
It was one of the best days of my life.
You don't sound all that happy.
I'm happy, honest.
See? These are happy teeth.
I've known that face since it was the size of a tennis ball.
That is not a D.
J.
happy face.
Dad, for the last time, I'm happy.
Happy, happy.
Okay? Okay.
Steph? Honey, I'll bet you wanna get yourself a glass of water.
I'm not dumb.
You want me to leave.
Something's wrong.
Sweetie, I promise if something's wrong, we'll make it all better.
All right.
But if you need me, I'll be in the bathroom, drinking water and waiting.
D.
J what's going on here? You don't have to put on a happy act for me.
It wasn't for you.
It was for Stephanie.
Well, Stephanie's not here, honey.
What's going on? It's just hard being brave for my little sister all the time.
Like, when you couldn't take me shopping, I felt terrible but I couldn't show it because if I did Stephanie would cry about you missing her recital.
D.
J.
, you are a terrific big sister but no one has to put on an act in this house.
Now, what's bothering you? I don't know.
Today was so much fun.
You took us horseback riding, to the circus, to Marine World but I kept getting sadder and sadder.
What part depressed you the most, the circus clowns or Shamu? Honey, maybe you were sad for the same reason I was.
You were sad too? A little bit.
Because the more fun we had, the more I hated to see it end.
I wish we could have days like this all the time.
I really love being with you.
I love being with you too but there is no easy answer here.
I know you have to work.
I wish I could be in two places at once, but I can't.
You know, I feel better.
You do? Yeah.
We didn't solve anything but just talking about it helps.
It helps me too.
And D.
J.
, I promise I'm gonna find more time to spend with you girls.
And anytime you want to see me, you can always pull me out of school.
Especially if you want to see me during math class.
Now, that's a D.
J.
happy face.
Come here, you little tennis-ball head.
Hi, honey.
You may not remember today but it was one of the best days of my life.
I love you, Michelle.
Good night, sweetheart.
Dada.
Yeah!