Full House s01e07 Episode Script

Knock Yourself Out

Wish Daddy luck, honey.
It's a big night.
Daddy's getting a tryout as color man for the big fight.
Cable TV.
Yes, I see how impressed you are.
There you go.
Michelle, I'd love to give you a hug, but And I'd just as soon them not see your cookies on my shoulder.
Do you promise everything inside of you is gonna stay inside of you? Okay.
That's a preview, isn't it? Okay.
Baby-dribble guard.
Come here.
All right.
All right.
- May I help you? - Well, Jesse, what do you think? You're planning on burping one of the boxers? A good sportscaster is ready for anything.
Listen, I picked up the perfect tune for the lyrics here.
This is really cool.
Listen to this song.
You realize there are only seven notes.
Beethoven was right when he said, "It don't come easy.
" Beethoven said, "It don't come easy"? Well, he said it in German.
All right, Danny, I'm ready.
I want you.
I want you.
Second round, you going down.
Sorry, I'll-- I'll behave.
You are such a baby.
Longhaired hippie punk.
Danny, I gotta tell you, I am so proud of you.
Ever since you were sports editor of our high school newspaper - you had that dream.
- The one about Sharon Campbell? No, not that dream.
Every guy in high school had that dream.
No, I mean your dream about making it as a sportscaster.
Tonight you go from local news to coast-to-coast.
Knock them dead.
And your dream about being a comic I promise you one day, I won't be the only one who thinks you're funny.
- Wait, Dad, hold on.
Don't go yet.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! We got some stuff for you for good luck.
Guess what this is.
A tie.
- Steph, you knew.
- Oh, yeah.
Daddy, now you guess.
- I give up.
- It's a tie, remember? Oh! A tie! I'm so surprised.
This is beautiful.
I'm gonna wear this tonight.
- I got you a surprise too, Daddy.
- Oh, I love surprises.
Oh, this is great.
Thank you for the.
This is great.
That's the most beautiful one of those I've ever seen.
Try it on, Daddy.
Of course I'm gonna try it on.
Isn't that a cool tie tack, Dad? God bless you.
- Steph, I love this.
Thank you, girls.
- You're welcome.
All right, I finally got it.
This baby is hit-bound.
Listen to this.
Everybody, sing along.
Coming right up, girls.
Get some snacks.
Hurry up.
Dad's almost on.
We're gonna watch him in our room.
All right.
- Don't forget the ice cream.
- Okay.
Got it.
- And the bowls and spoons! - Bowls and spoons.
How can you eat ice cream without bowls and spoons? All right.
- And licorice! - Licorice.
All right.
Red licorice! Got it.
And fruit! Fruit.
Get some fruit.
And milk! Some milk.
Got it.
Don't forget to shut the door! Shut the door.
The licorice and milk.
And we need peanut butter, and jelly, and bread, and carrots! All right, girls.
This should get us through the first two rounds.
Uncle Jesse, we changed our minds.
We're watching the fight downstairs.
Freeze, ankle-biters.
This is as far as your Uncle Lunch Wagon goes.
It's Uncle Bad Attitude.
I guess this is a bad time to mention you forgot the carrots.
Yes, bad time.
Help me out here.
Come on.
Grab that.
Hey, Jess, quick, I need you in the nursery.
- Here.
- Let me give you a hand with this.
What is happening to my life? Michelle, please don't be sick.
All right, Joseph, what's the problem here? I heard Michelle cough.
Kid, you okay? She's cool.
It's time.
Daddy's gonna be on right after the underarm commercial.
All right.
We're coming.
I don't like that cough.
We should bring her with us.
Joey, you gotta realize babies cough, man.
Babies dribble.
Babies barf.
Think of them as little tiny teenagers.
Come on, Michelle, come on.
Come on now.
You okay? You okay? You girls ever hear that cough before? Sounds like a hairball.
Come on, Steph.
Babies don't get hair-- Do babies get hairballs? And now, live from San Francisco, a special boxing presentation.
Here's Danny Tanner.
Good evening, boxing fans.
I'm Danny Tanner-- - Back up, back up.
- I'm Danny Tanner.
I'm Danny Tanner-- Now I'm really Danny Tanner, and welcome to tonight's fight.
We're in the training room of former champion, Reggie "The Sandman" Martin.
Only moments away from his first attempt on the comeback trail to reclaim his heavyweight crown.
And here he is now.
- Well, champ, how you feeling? - I feel good.
I feel strong.
I feel like hitting somebody.
- But not me, right? - That depends on the question.
Okay, no pressure here.
Well, champ, the obvious question: Why the comeback? You got plenty of money in the bank.
Heck, you own a bank.
You've been retired for two years.
You miss wearing the shorts? - No, no.
You see, it's-- - Pride.
It's pride, respect.
The champ wants to go down as the greatest fighter in the history of boxing.
- Are you sure it's not the $6 million? - Okay, I miss wearing the shorts.
My tie tack! I know why I'm wearing a cup.
But, now, why are you wearing a saucer? Oh, this.
This is a gift from my daughter, Stephanie.
And the tie is a gift from my daughter, D.
And I have a little baby, Michelle, too.
But you can't wear her gifts.
You probably haven't seen your family much during training.
- Yeah, Lou runs a pretty tough camp.
- The toughest.
Total isolation.
Just me, the Sandman, and misery.
No phone calls, no women, no nothing.
Look, I'm sorry about that, Marcie.
How you feeling, honey? I think it's wonderful you and your wife are still good friends, considering.
Considering what? - You know-- - Yeah, right, champ.
Just loosen up.
Hey, the man said "considering.
" Considering what? - Considering what happened.
- Loosen up, champ.
If I don't get some information, I'll loosen somebody's head.
Now, you said, "It's great we're still friends.
" Why wouldn't my wife and I still be friends? So about tonight's fight.
Let's talk strategy.
- Hey, man.
- Let's forget about strategy.
Usually, when a woman moves out on a man, they stop being friends.
- She moved out? - Champ, it's time to fight.
Let's go.
Fight? I just found out my wife walked out on me.
Use it, champ! Use the anger! Champ, I'm sorry.
Oh, boy, am I sorry.
I can't believe you didn't know about this.
- You calling me a liar? - Oh, not at all.
Why would I choose those as my last words? I just figured, since the story was in the papers, the magazines and the soon-to-be TV movie-- She left me and sold the rights? Oh, no, Marcie, baby.
No, no, no, baby, no.
It'll be okay, champ.
It'll be okay.
You're kind of taking the edge off him, huh, Tanner? In a way, this is kind of a beautiful moment.
Thanks for sharing it with us.
And, Sandman, best of luck on tonight's fight.
Fight? I can't fight.
- Come on, champ.
You'll fight.
- I can't fight now.
You'll knock him out.
- You're gonna win it.
- But I can't fight.
Why was that man crying? Well, the man was crying because your dad made him so happy.
I don't think so.
We'll be back after this word from anybody but me.
Now what happens? Well, two guys beat each other up for about 36 minutes.
- Then they get $6 million.
- Six million dollars? Forget about being a ballerina.
Maybe you girls shouldn't be watching all this violence.
Joey's right, Steph.
Let's go watch reruns of The A-Team.
Hear that? She coughed again.
This cough is getting serious.
I'll think of something.
- What are you doing? - Calling the baby's doctor.
I knew I'd think of something.
Hello, Dr.
Landress? You're home? You answer your own phone? Are you any good? Yeah, I'm calling about Michelle Tanner.
She's coughing.
Hold on, doc.
He wants to know what kind of cough.
It's a little baby's cough, you know.
Like that.
Doc, I do impressions for a living.
It was more like: Give me the phone.
I'm sorry.
We're new parents.
Come here.
Listen to Michelle cough.
There you go.
Cough, Michelle.
Come on, cough.
Come on.
It's like when you take your car to the mechanic.
It never makes that same noise.
All right.
Her nose? Yeah, it's running like a fountain.
What's coming out of it? Diet cola.
Fever? I don't know.
Of course I know how to take her temperature.
You simply put the thermometer under her ton-- I put it where? Joey, it's for you.
Twist Harold up.
Twist Harold down to the right.
No temperature.
High five, Michelle.
High five, high five, high five.
- All right.
- Okay.
Doctor said no fever means it's a cold and we should use the medicine from her last cold.
Okay, we got strawberry mousse apricot conditioner, honey nut rinse-- You believe these girls put all this dumb junk in their hair? It's mine.
What are you looking at? All right.
Here it is.
"Michelle Tanner.
Half a teaspoon four times a day.
" - All right.
Give me that.
- Remember that.
The fight's over.
They said Dad will be back on after these important messages.
- What are you doing to Michelle? - We're giving your sister some medicine.
- That's not the way Daddy does it.
- Stephanie.
All right, here you go, Michelle.
Joey, duck! Well, so much for cough syrup and puréed chicken.
I told you it wouldn't work.
You never serve red cough syrup with poultry.
By the way, if I'm ever sick, dial 911.
- Daddy's on! - Okay.
Come on.
Well, fans, you saw it: Reggie "The Sandman" Martin was KO'd.
He may have been a little off tonight.
That happens.
I don't think the blame should be laid at anybody's feet.
I mean anybody.
Am I being clear? A blameless defeat.
Hey, Tanner.
How does it feel to have personally dealt a crushing blow to a man's career? Are you talking about the Sandman's or my own? Do you have some sort of personal grudge against the Sandman? No, the Sandman and I have always had a very warm and cordial relationship.
I want him! I want him! I want Danny Tanner! I want him! I want him! Can't you just feel the love? Walk with me as I apologize to the Sandman.
Sandman, I am really very, very sorry.
It's okay.
It's not your fault.
At least somebody had the guts to tell me about my wife.
Say, you wouldn't happen to know why she left me, would you? Maybe not seeing your wife for three or four months resulted in a teensy loss of intimacy.
It's okay, champ.
We don't need her.
It's this "we" stuff.
It's this "we" stuff that got me in trouble.
You talked me out of retirement because you needed money.
Now, you knew about my wife all the time, didn't you? I kind of got an inkling when I saw the cover story of Sports Illustrated.
Look, Marcie.
Marcie, honey, I'm gonna give up boxing for good.
I'm gonna find you, beg for forgiveness and win you back, because I love you, baby.
Lou, you fired.
Tanner, this whole thing is your fault.
Thanks, Stephanie.
You're welcome, Daddy.
Didn't Daddy do great? - Oh, he was quite good this evening.
- He was so good.
He really was.
Yeah, girls, nobody can take a punch like your father.
- Can we stay up till Daddy gets home? - No.
Go to sleep.
Come on.
Get some rest.
Tomorrow we may have to move to a civilization without television.
- Good night! - Good night.
All right Joey, you try to give her her medicine.
I give up.
Okay, Michelle.
Here it comes.
Come on.
It tastes really good.
Watch this.
The baby's watching you.
And she's waiting for her Uncle Jesse to swallow.
This stuff's terrible.
- But you're not coughing, are you? - All right, enough of this nonsense.
That's it, Michelle.
Enough fooling around.
This is the last teaspoon of medicine.
You're drinking it.
You're gonna feel better.
And you're gonna do it right now.
Come on.
Come on.
Right now.
Come on.
See? Told you.
All we had to do was ask nice.
- Danny.
- Joey, please.
Don't bother lying to me.
I stunk.
I just want you know that Michelle is gonna be fine.
- What? - Well, she was sick, but she's fine now.
Why didn't you say something? Sing along, Michelle.
Michelle, Michelle.
Daddy's here.
- Jesse, what's wrong with her? - Nothing.
She just had a little cold.
- How do you know it's a little cold? - She had a cough, runny nose but no fever.
She should have fluids.
- Done.
- Done.
We should call the doctor.
- Done.
- Done.
Really? Has she had her cough medicine? - Done.
- Done.
How about changing her diaper? - Good night.
- Good night.
Well, the baby's asleep.
Her cold sounds much better.
You guys were really great tonight.
Yep, I finally learned how to take care of the little kid.
- I'll drink to that.
- All right.
- I can't thank you guys enough.
- No problem.
I really love that little germ-spreading, phlegm faucet.
You know, when I came home tonight, I was so down.
But then I heard Michelle was sick.
And it put everything back into perspective.
I realized what's really important is my family and my friends.
So you forgot all about the nightmare of an interview.
Right up until this very moment when you were kind enough to just bring it up again.
I was horrible.
Come on.
"Horrible's" a pretty harsh word.
You were-- - Well, you were horrible.
- Yeah, yeah.
He was horrible.
Isn't this where you're supposed to jump in with a little pep talk? I don't know if I got one in me, Danny.
You? What? A sick baby and a pep talk? What am I, a saint? Come on, I'll get you started.
How about: Every cloud has a silver lining, or the sun will come out tomorrow.
I'm feeling it.
Pep is welling up.
It's in my stomach.
It's working its way north.
It's in my throat, and pep! Danny, nobody's career goes straight up.
You had one rough night.
There's always bumps along the way.
This is good.
Don't stop.
Then don't interrupt.
The key, Danny is to learn from all those little bumps so that you'll be better prepared for next time.
Because you will have other chances.
When? I need a date and a time.
Because you're good at what you do.
And you know why? Because you care about more than just scores and stats.
You care about people.
- Right, Jess? - Yeah, why not? And in your own unique way, you helped the Sandman.
People trust you.
They know you're a good guy.
Right, Jess? Yeah, why not? Thanks, guys.
My favorite part was when the manager punched him-- Right in the stomach.
I loved it when he brought tears to the Sandman's eyes.
That was nice.
But the reporters drilling him-- He had sweat going down his face.
That killed me.
That was funny.
That was good.
You know what I loved? When I said there was no one to blame.
I loved how bad that was.
"I want you, Tanner! I want you, Tanner! Yes, I want you, Tanner!"