Full House s01e11 Episode Script

The Big Three-O

All right, girls, now, not one word about your dad's surprise party tonight, okay? - That means you, Steph.
- What makes you think I'm gonna tell him? Because you blew dad's surprise party last year.
I was only 4.
Give me a break.
Steph, this is an important birthday.
Your dad turns the big 30.
How much more than 5 is the big 30? Well, here, I'll show you.
This is you.
And this is your daddy.
Wow, he's almost a whole box old.
Make way.
It's the Goodyear birthday blimp.
I had to take a couple balloons off.
She was getting picked up by radar.
Your dad's on his way down.
Stephanie, I heard about last year.
Do not spoil the surprise party.
Man, one little mistake.
- Good morning, everyone.
- Happy birthday! Okay, it's been said.
Now we can just move on and forget the fact that I'm.
I'm.
- Thirty.
- Thirty.
Thank you.
Okay.
Anyway, I don't turn.
Turn.
- Thirty.
- Thirty.
Thank you.
I don't turn what you just said until 8:15.
- Dad, it's 8:20.
- Oh, my God.
Dad, this is a present from Michelle, Steph and me.
Look at this.
"D.
J.
, Stephanie and Michelle's coupon book.
" This is great.
And you made it yourselves.
I love this.
"D.
J.
and Stephanie will change Michelle's diaper.
" - I'll hold on to this.
- I'm sorry, Jesse, they're not transferable.
"And a free car wash for my car, Bullet.
" Do you realize I bought that car Every time I get behind the wheel, put the top down and start blasting my self-improvement tapes, I feel like a kid again.
Boy, you were born to raise heck.
Dad, that must be another birthday surprise.
Look at them run.
Did I ever run like that? You bet.
You always ran like a girl.
Come on, Grandpa.
I'll help you across the living room floor.
You shouldn't be so cocky.
Just because you're 24, and I'm.
I'm.
- Thirty.
- Thirty.
Come on, Michelle.
All right, girls.
Tell our lucky contestant what's behind door number one.
Vanna, Carol Merrill.
I won a man? Not just any man.
Jimmy, tell him what he's won.
Okay, Bob.
Danny Tanner, you'll be riding in style because you've won your very own chauffeur-driven limousine for a day.
It's a stretch limousine, complete with a bar, TV, telephone and a year's supply of calendars: one.
You guys have gone all out.
This is terrific.
I wish you hadn't gone to such expense.
We didn't.
I'm gonna fumigate his house for free.
I can't say it enough.
God bless silverfish.
You wanna ride to school in a limo? I'd love to ride in a limo.
But can it take us somewhere else besides school? - Let's hit the mall.
- All right, Steph.
You're going to school.
Let's go.
Thanks for a terrific birthday.
Okay, I want one thing: I want you to remember I do not want a party.
- This will be our secret.
- Okay.
- All right.
Sure.
- Fine.
- I mean it.
No party.
- Fine.
- Back to the party.
- Well, Bob, I pick up the decorations at 2-- - Done with the voice.
- Okay.
Food arrives at 5.
Belly dancer arrives at 5:30.
Belly dancer leaves at 6.
Guests arrive at 6:30.
Limo drops Danny here at home at 7.
- What about his present? - I'm leaving work early I'm gonna take Bullet, get him fitted for seat covers.
He is gonna love them.
- Boy, he really loves this car.
- Hey, who wouldn't? I mean you're talking about a car that goes from zero to 60 in two weeks.
Now, Steph, do it just the way I told you.
D.
J.
, I'm old enough to carry a tray of "appezizers.
" "Attepizers.
" Cheese sticks.
Excuse me, do you care about cheese? - Thank you, Stephanie.
- Steph.
It's, "Do you care for cheese?" She took one, didn't she? All right, good night.
Thanks for dragging it home.
Sure, pal.
Good luck.
Poor Bullet.
Maybe Danny won't notice.
Boy, am I in trouble.
Joey? Jesse, what's wrong? I've never seen your face this shade of green before.
- This must be serious.
- It is.
Uncle Jesse, is something wrong? I'm getting these vibes.
Yeah, something's very wrong.
I knew it.
This is great.
I'm sorry, but I'm developing women's intuition.
It's a big step in my life.
Listen, your father's car has been in a little accident.
- How little? - Big little.
Follow me.
Come here.
I want you guys to take a look.
You're dead meat.
Boy, this is gonna take all the fun out of those seat covers.
- What are you gonna do? - What do you mean? I'm gonna do what I have to do, I'm gonna tell him the truth.
When we're in trouble, we give the "we're the cutest little girls in the world" look.
That may work for you girls, but I don't have those cute little dimples.
Well, maybe if you put a pretty little bow in your hair or something.
- Not funny.
- Danny's coming up the steps.
Come on.
- What do we do? - Okay, here's the plan.
- First, we hide the seat covers.
- Hide the seat covers.
All right.
- Now what? - It's tough enough for Danny turning 30.
It's his birthday.
Promise me you're not gonna ruin it.
- I promise.
- Then we have to make sure he has the best time he's ever had in his life.
- Good, we'll do that.
- Then, in the afterglow you set him down and gently rip his heart out.
- Can't you come up with a happier ending? - The car fairy shows up and makes everything wonderful.
Quiet, everyone.
Let's see, 15 of my friends' cars parked right out front.
I wonder.
Surprise! I don't believe this.
Happy birthday! Thank you.
This is great.
I love this.
Everybody's here.
This is so nice.
All my friends from the station are here.
Are we running a test pattern tonight? Cousin Ed.
- Why aren't you running your fishing boat? - What, and miss your 19th birthday party? I am so glad you're here.
Daddy, would you care for some cheese? Oh, yes, Stephanie.
Thank you.
This is too easy.
I'm ready for dip.
Oh, there you are, you birthday nuts.
- I thought I told you no party.
- You say that every year.
This is the last surprise, isn't it? Well.
I just want you to know that Jesse deserves all the credit.
This whole party was his idea because he loves you.
- Right.
- Always remember that.
Please.
- Jesse, I know you hate when I hug you-- - Hey, I got an idea.
It's your birthday.
What the heck, why don't I hug you this time.
Brother-in-law.
- Say "cheese.
" - Cheese.
We'll call this the "before" picture.
Open that one.
Danny, if you don't like it, there's no way I can return it, so you'd better like it.
Caroline, this is great.
Last time Danny went fishing on my boat, he didn't catch a thing.
So I mounted his bait.
Hey, I'm just out there for the fresh air.
Daddy, I found another present.
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- You never saw me.
- The gifts just keep on coming.
Look at this.
"From Jesse and Joey to Bullet and Danny.
" Oh, great.
Wow, sheepskin seat covers for Bullet.
- I could cry.
- Oh, you will.
I'm gonna go try these on right now.
Excuse me.
I think now would be a good time to tell him.
Danny.
Listen, before you go out there, I wanna tell you something.
Bullet was in an accident.
- Is he all right? - No.
Okay, I'm coming out of Pep Boys, right with your wonderful yet essentially useless party gift and this idiot plowed into Bullet.
It sends him down the hill through this guardrail, into the air, where he did a full gainer he lands in the bay and sank like a stone.
But look, Bullet went out with a blaze of glory.
For a second, you had me going.
He sank to the bottom of the bay.
Do you know what a car would look like if it sank to the bottom of the bay? We'll call this the "after" picture.
Daddy, are you all right? Of course, sweetheart.
I'm fine.
That's the same smile Jack Nicholson had in The Shining.
Maybe it just needs a little touch-up paint.
Look, Danny, I'm gonna make this up to you, I promise.
I accept all responsibility.
Even though it was the fault of the Spanish missionaries for being so dumb to build a city on so many hills that go-- Hey, pal, I'm fine.
These things happen.
Que será será Ob-la-di, ob-la-da.
Life goes on.
Bra.
Drop the act.
Every weekend you're out here polishing and waxing this thing.
It's ruined.
The outside's ruined, the inside's ruined.
The handle's actually in good shape.
Jesse, it's not about the hundreds of hours of labor he poured into this car.
It's about 10 years of memories.
Danny, this car was with you through the tough years.
It drove you to your first real job.
Then it helped you raise a family.
Man, this car was your 20s.
That's good, we lost the phony smile.
Very good.
All right.
Get in touch with your anger, man.
Let it all out.
Hit me.
Go ahead, hit me.
No, I got a better idea.
Hit the car.
Hit the car.
Let it go, let it go.
Go ahead.
Doesn't that feel better? Feels good, right? I can honestly say that this is one birthday I will never forget.
Good night.
- Good night, girls.
- Good night.
Oh, and thank you very much for the lovely seat covers.
Probably not the best time for birthday cake.
Look, honey, it's Mr.
Dog.
What does Mr.
Dog say? I may be holding the first woman president.
Yes.
Look, it's Mr.
Pig.
What does Mr.
Pig say? Close enough.
Let's go for three.
It's Mr.
Car.
What does Mr.
Car say? You're right.
He doesn't say anything because he's dead.
Good morning.
How you guys doing? - What are you doing up? - Thought I heard Michelle crying.
No, that was me.
- Can I hold her? - Sure.
Come here, sweetie.
Come on, buddy.
Cheer up.
It's just a car.
Actually, it's a big, wet lawn sculpture.
Come on.
I dare you to look at this baby and not smile.
Hi, Daddy.
It's me, it's me.
Cheer up.
There you go.
Attaboy.
See? Now who cares about a car? Joey, it's more than just the car.
I'm talking about the big picture.
Who are we? Where are we going? Why do we have to get there so fast? We're Joey and Danny and we're going down into the kitchen.
We're going there fast, because it we don't Jesse will eat all the microwave pancakes.
Remember back in junior high school when we had wood shop with old man Pafco? Yeah, I remember that old geezer.
Joey, old man Pafco was 27.
Seems like yesterday you were saying, "I wonder what it's like in the real world getting a job, being a grownup.
" I did say that yesterday.
- Hello.
- Hey, Jess.
Jess, it's all right.
Come on in.
Hello, Michelle.
Come here.
- You still mad at me? - I know what happened wasn't your fault.
I'm gonna make it up to you.
Joseph, get dressed.
We're taking a ride.
- Where are we going? - Are you gonna be home today? Where am I going? I got no car and I'm an old man who just turned.
I just turned.
- Thirty.
- Thirty.
Thank you.
- I got a big surprise for you.
- No more surprises.
No, no.
This surprise you're gonna love.
Come on, Joey.
One more for the road.
Irresistible.
I can't keep my lips off her tummy.
He's right, you're habit-forming.
- Yes.
- All right.
- Look at this car.
- Yes.
Same color-- This thing looks just like Bullet.
All right.
Thank you.
I'll see you on Sunday.
This is Bullet's twin brother.
How'd you find him? Simple, I picked up the phone and dialed every dealer in northern California.
But it doesn't matter, I found you.
Why am I talking to you? We're going to buy you, we're gonna take you home and Danny's gonna be so happy.
- Oh, we did it.
- Joe, Joe, Joe.
It's gonna be difficult to get a good price for the car if you're actually kissing the car.
Right.
What am I doing? Listen, this is important.
Danny's getting The important thing is we get this car for 11,700.
Excuse me, is there something I can help you fine gentlemen with? Oh, I don't know.
We're just browsing around, look at a car-- How about this one? I mean what's the story on Bullet-- On this car here? Twelve grand.
Twelve grand? I wouldn't pay a nickel over 11,700.
Paul's Classic Cars.
Paul himself.
- We got you.
- You won't believe this but I've got a guy on the phone right now who's offering 12 grand for that car sight unseen.
He's bluffing us, Joseph.
Watch me.
I'll play into it.
Okay, fine.
No 11,700, we're walking out the door, and we ain't coming back.
He'll stop us.
Watch.
Goodbye, Paul.
- Well, see you, Paul.
- We're gone.
Bye-bye, Paulie.
- Running out the door.
- We're gone.
- We're going.
- Bye-bye, Paulie.
Adiós, Paul.
Congratulations, sir.
When can you come pick it up? Hi, Paul.
12,100.
I'm sorry, sir, I just received an offer of 12,100.
- I'll give you 12,500.
- Go, Daddy, go.
- 12,500 dollars.
- 13,000.
- 13,000.
- 14,000.
- I'll kick in and extra 20.
- Count me in for 73 cents.
They're up to $14,020.
73.
We gotta get Danny this car.
$14,020.
75 cents.
We got them on the ropes.
$14,020.
75.
- What's he up to, Dad? - He went up 2 cents.
I got a loose tooth.
Whatever the tooth fairy gives me, it's yours.
- 15,000.
- I got 15,000.
- Do I hear 16,000? - 16,000.
- I got $17,000.
- That doesn't count.
- The yahoo bird bid against me.
- Too late, he's up to 18,000 now.
You tell him that I'm gonna pay anything for that car, I'm gonna pay 20,000 bucks.
- $20,000.
- $20,000? I'm going crazy over a car I haven't seen.
Look, I gotta send my daughters to college.
It's only a car.
Let the other guy have it.
He went up another thousand.
But I think that car can be yours for only $22,000.
We went from 11,700 to $22,000.
How are we gonna pay that? - You know how many jokes I have to tell? - You know how many bugs I have to kill? We'll just get Danny's car somewhere else.
- Give it to the other guy.
- Boys, boys, let's not be hasty here.
Did I say $22,000? Well, I actually meant 21.
Twenty? Nineteen? How about 11,500, Paul? - Sold.
- Yes.
Can I interest you in a service contract? Write up the car, Paul.
- Danny.
Daniel.
- Hey, guys.
I'm glad you're here.
- I've got some great news.
- So do we.
- Let me tell you mine first.
- Okay.
Do you remember when I thought the only car I could ever love was Bullet? - Yes.
- Well, I was wrong.
Wouldn't I look good behind the wheel of a Jeep Wagoneer? Look at this.
Rear track-lock differential.
Self-sealing radials, antitheft ignition.
I can't wait to find out what these things mean.
- You can't be serious.
- Of course I am.
In fact, I even called a dealership and started bidding on a car exactly like Bullet.
But there was this yo-yo there that kept hiking up the price.
It was crazy.
So I just said bye-bye Bullet.
I went car shopping, and, guys, I fell in love.
So tomorrow I am buying my first new car ever.
I hope you're not planning on using your insurance check.
- What are you talking about? - That was our little surprise.
We got you a birthday gift.
Take a look.
You two were the yo-yos? - Yo.
- Yo.
I love that car.
I thought you said bye-bye Bullet.
To the old Bullet.
You have to move on in life.
So move on to your Wagoneer.
What better symbol for the next decade than a gift from my two best friends? Birthdays aren't about numbers, they're about who you spend them with.
You guys made this one great.
You really wanna keep the car? Absolutely.
Thank you.
Happy birthday.
Again.
You know what really feels nice? For the first time, it feels great to be 30.
He said it.
What are you gonna name him? Bullet Jr.
? Come on, Joey, a 30-year-old man doesn't name his car.
- Go get the kids.
Let's go for a spin.
- Let's go get them.
- Stephanie.
- D.
J.
I'll be right back, Walter.