Full House s01e12 Episode Script

Our Very First Promo

So, Kimmy, wanna stay for dinner? Maybe.
What are you having? Joey's cooking, so I'm not really sure.
It's something in an earth tone.
But if my dog Sinbad is hungry, I'll send him over.
Don't do that.
I love Sinbad.
Stephanie, why are you following us? Because you keep leaving me.
Steph, I know you're only 5 and you have no life of your own but Kimmy and I are talking woman-to-woman.
I'm a woman.
I'm a little woman, but I'm a woman.
Steph, when Kimmy leaves, you and I can have a nice sister-to-sister talk unless I get a phone call.
You're so good to me.
Did you guys hear that noise? It sounded like a monster.
Steph, you're always making up monster noises.
There's nothing to worry about.
Although you do look like that kid in Poltergeist who got sucked up in the TV and said, "They're back.
" Real funny.
You gonna love this, Michelle.
- Hi.
- Hi! How you doing? How you doing? Hey, Michelle.
Hey, Jesse, some woman named Brianna called.
She said she'll meet you at 8:00.
Who's Brianna? Well, I terminated her termites, and she wanted to thank me so we came up with a few ideas, if you will.
You went out wearing a cockroach on your back and you came back with a date? Joey, don't beat around the bush.
You wanna borrow my jumpsuit, just say so.
Uncle Jesse, something horrible is in the house.
You're telling me.
Hey, grab Michelle.
Help me set the table.
All right.
Come on, Michelle.
Great news.
I've got great news.
Thank goodness you're home.
I missed you too, honey.
Did you miss all of me or just my leg? Stephanie thinks she heard a monster in the garage.
But if you ask me, it's just a desperate plea for attention.
, stop watching Oprah and start doing your homework.
So now you're hearing a garage monster instead of just that closet monster.
Which, by the way, honey, we never really found.
Maybe because the closet monster moved into the garage.
Just to catch everybody up I walked in here saying, "Hey, great news, great news.
" I got great news.
I met a girl today.
That's not news.
That's sports.
Let's give Dad a break.
So, what's your "great news, great news"? Okay.
Thank you.
As you all know, the TV stations in this city are fighting each other for better ratings.
Congratulations, Daddy.
Steph, honey, that's not the great news.
Anyway, my station is putting together a special promo, like a little commercial about each of its newscasters.
Now, here comes the great news: - They've picked your father to be first.
- Oh, great.
- Good.
- Great.
All right.
I feel the energy.
Oh, by the way you're all gonna be on TV with me.
Yeah! Oh, I knew you'd be happy for me.
So they're coming to the house tomorrow to film our whole family.
- All right.
I like that.
- Yeah.
All right, everybody chow down.
Should we send out for pizza or Chinese? Pizza.
It is pizza.
"They're back.
" Steph, did you make that noise? Why would I make a noise that's scaring me to death? Could I sleep with you in your bed? All right.
Come on over.
Does this mean you believe me about the monster? I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no.
I'm just saying, "Get over here.
" What if he's under the bed waiting to eat my feet? Reel me in, D.
Faster! Faster! Bless you.
You forgot to turn out the light.
Forget the light.
Run for your life! - Monster! - Help! Mon ster! What's going on? We got the monster trapped in our room.
Go get it, Uncle Jesse.
You're a creepy-crawler killer.
I am a pest control specialist, thank you.
Pardon me.
Go kill it! Jesse, humor them.
Unless there is something creepy and crawly in there in which case, go kill it.
You know, in every movie the hero is always a soldier, a cop, a private eye.
Never once-- Never once have they made a movie about the real American hero: The exterminator.
- Pest control specialist.
- Pest control specialist.
Coming soon to a theater near you.
Daddy, can I sleep with you in your bed tonight? Oh, honey, you don't want to sleep in my bed, do you? I guess not.
Your uncle Jesse says your room is monster-free so I'm only staying here until you two fall asleep.
Okay, Dad.
All right, Daddy.
And you two need your sleep because tomorrow a nice lady is coming here and she's gonna make a little movie about our family.
And, girls, there are no such things as monsters.
The closest thing in real life are linebackers.
But they're much bigger than monsters, and they make a lot more money.
Get it, girls? More money.
Girls? Good night.
The joys of fatherhood.
- Come on.
- Michelle, this is your big TV debut.
Let's give you that Marilyn Monroe look.
Kind of, bangs sweeping to the left.
Kind of, the curls framing the face, huh? She could pull it off but I think it'd be a crime to cover that pretty little face.
See, I say we pull it back, give her a more sophisticated kind of look.
More the Madonna/Brigitte Nielsen kind of thing.
Like this.
See? Look.
That's Jack Nicholson.
Why don't we give her kind of a Pebbles Flintstone kind of a.
A fun do.
That's Don King.
- Maybe just a bow.
- Bow.
Good idea.
Simple, yet it screams style.
- I'll hold it up like this.
- Okay.
- Finger.
- Okay, tie it first.
There we go.
- All right, good.
- There you go.
Should we get her Weeboks or her Little Glens? Which one? - One of each.
- Okay.
Got that.
You didn't just.
- Yeah, I think I did.
- That's what I thought.
Baby yo-yo.
- Take it off.
- All right.
Hear that noise? - The girls were right.
It's the monster.
- It's not a monster.
Now, I have to hear where it's coming from.
Be quiet.
North American silver-footed ferret.
Adult male, 2 and a half pounds.
I'd say, from the echo, he's heading towards the garage.
- How can you possibly know this? - It's a gift.
All right, come on out, pal.
This is your last warning.
Get out now, or be another notch on my spray gun.
Michelle, I'm sorry you had to see that.
But this hairdo-- Now, this, it's beautiful.
It is you.
Lookit, huh? Isn't that just lovely? Look at that.
Okay, now that'll be $84.
All right, how about just a kiss? Come on.
Uncle Jesse, that could be the TV lady.
Do we look okay? You guys look beautiful.
I'm hot on the trail of your monster.
Nail him, Uncle Jesse.
Are you the lady who's gonna put us on TV? Yes, I am, because you are so adorable.
Let me see you smile.
Let me see if you can find a place to put my coat.
Adorable, and you take direction too.
My name's Ronnie.
That's short for Veronica.
I'm D.
That's short for Donna Jo.
I'm Stephanie.
I'm just short.
Girls, do you know where your daddy is? Daddy has been delayed in editing because the satellite downlink malfunctioned due to freakish barometric conditions.
Ronnie feels like such a dodo-head.
So this is your home.
Colors are workable.
Nice angles.
I'm seeing some shots.
What are we doing? We thought you knew.
All right, pal.
Come on out.
Just you and me.
Man versus ferret.
Come on.
Who are you trying to catch? Phil Niekro? No, Joseph, I have to improvise.
I left my tools in the car.
Listen, in order to catch a ferret, you must become one with the ferret.
Oh, sure.
Like this? Joey, when you were a kid, did you fall out of a tree house? Yeah.
There he is.
Look out! I got him.
- I got him.
All right.
- What are you gonna do to him? Think of it this way: I'm moving Señor Ferret one step up into his spiritual enlightenment.
What's the next step up for a ferret? Somewhere between rat and lawyer.
Give me the net.
Well, if you were going after a lawyer, I'd be behind you but we're talking about one of God's innocent little creatures.
Go! Run, ferret! Go, go! Let go.
There he goes.
I got him.
I got-- Right through the crack, up the wall, right into the crawlspace.
Slick move, Señor Ferret.
Very good.
It's been a long time since I've been challenged.
Come out with your paws up.
Okay, zig to the right.
Zag to the left.
Go, ferret, go! Go, ferret, go! Gone, ferret, gone! Damn.
He lives.
- Joey, give me the ladder.
- Not until we have a talk.
- Talk.
- Promise me, if you capture the ferret you'll let him go in a safe and pleasant environment.
Okay, fine.
I'll capture him, I'll buy him a little ferret condo fix him up with a hot little mink, and send him to Club Med for the winter.
But now let's talk about major medical.
Help me down, here.
Come on.
- I got you.
- Good.
- Hello.
- Hello.
These guys help take care of us.
This is Danny Tanner's family? - I'm Jesse.
- I'm Joey.
I'm in trouble.
People, we're almost ready.
Hi, I'm Danny Tanner.
- I've been looking forward - Great, you're here.
Let's go.
to meeting you.
Well, that's the last of it.
Joey, where are you going with Jupiter? Ronnie suggested that I move out.
- Why would Ronnie suggest that? - No, Danny, it's okay.
No problem.
A successful comedian like myself doesn't need exposure on TV.
Working in parks and train stations is my rocket to stardom.
Ronnie, don't you think Joey is important? Important? Why, he's essential.
He is going to be holding the cue cards.
Thank you, Joey.
Oh, no.
Thank you, Ronnie.
You've given my life new meaning.
You know, Danny, so many sportscasters are your typical, macho, two-fisted, iron-pumping ex-jocks.
Yeah, that's me in a nutshell.
Well, Danny Tanner, I am gonna set you apart from the crowd.
I'm gonna sell your family with class, style, sophistication.
That's me too.
There are so many "me's.
" Great.
We're just gonna do this one rehearsal.
If you have any problems-- Well, you won't.
Don't come in till I say "action.
" Okay, everybody over here.
Come on, let's go.
All right, ready? You back here.
And action! Ciao, family.
"Ciao, family"? Continue.
Okay, this is the Italian me: Ciao, famiglia.
To the sofa.
Okay, everybody around.
Here we go.
- Cue da Vinci.
- Da Vinci? Why is there a four-legged marshmallow on my lap? Danny, this is no froufrou poodle.
This is a man's poodle.
This is a poodle on steroids.
Cue the girls.
Girls, girls.
Da Vinci's a wrap.
Good day, Donna Jo.
And a good day to you too, little Stephanie.
Oh, Father, how excellent to see you.
We missed you, Papa.
I'm confused.
Are we French or Italian? Or Roquefort? Girls, sit.
Cue housekeeper.
Teatime at the Tanners'.
- Now we're English? - No, no, you silly bloke.
I'm the English one, you twit.
Thank you so much, Mr.
You're welcome, Uncle Bill.
Excuse me.
Buffy, Jody.
Now you know why I didn't fight too hard to stay in this thing.
What does this have to do with our family? People, focus.
Crew, over by the door.
Let's go.
And you, right here.
And cue the baby Michelle.
Oh, baby Michelle.
Come to Daddy, honey.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, honey.
Oh, she's so cute.
She's so adorable.
Who is she? She's your adopted daughter.
We thought it'd be great for your image.
- Honey, is your mommy or daddy nearby? - In the kitchen.
In the kitchen, okay.
Well, you go in there and see them.
She's so cute.
Almost as cute as my little baby.
Where is my baby? I wanted to go for the adopted daughter.
Actually, Michelle just wasn't quite right for the part.
You're saying my daughter wasn't right for the part of my daughter? I auditioned for the part and I came that close.
I don't believe this.
How could you guys let yourselves get talked into this? Well, we knew how important it was to you and we played along, just in case you actually went for this crazy cartoon.
I don't think you understand.
Television news is a very competitive market.
You gotta do something different.
You gotta make a noise, make a splash.
I think you splashed down from another planet.
I'm getting a vision.
I'm seeing a loving family.
I'm seeing friends who will do anything to help each other.
You know what I'm seeing? I'm seeing my children playing the part of my children.
- Not insane.
- It's been done.
Yeah, but not by us.
Hey, I'm proud of who we are.
And unless you wanna show people the real Tanner family I'm just gonna have to direct this thing myself.
Well, if you're gonna direct, what am I gonna do? Oh, it's quite simple, Ronnie.
You will hold the cue cards.
- Quiet, everybody.
It's on.
Watch this.
- Okay.
I'm Danny Tanner.
I do the sports for Channel 8 Newsbeat.
Every day at 4, 6 and 10 you invite me into your home and make me a part of your family.
Well, I'd like to introduce you to my family.
Follow me.
Like you have a choice.
Come on.
Don't be afraid.
Meet my stairs.
My loafers, my socks, my slacks.
Right this way.
Oh, there you are.
- Hi, girls.
Daddy's home.
- Hi, Dad.
This happens every night, I swear.
This is my daughter D.
, and this is Stephanie.
Look, girls, Dad brought home a camera crew.
We know, Dad.
Yeah, Daddy.
You came up here five minutes ago and told us.
I teach my girls honesty.
Watch my dad do the sports, weeknights on Channel 8.
At 4, 6 and 10.
- Don't miss him.
- Don't miss him.
I also teach them marketing.
This way.
Boy, you move fast.
This is my other little girl Michelle.
Not this one, this one.
Is she ready? Is she ready? Are you ready, Michelle? You ready? Huh? Okay, let's do a "La Bamba" thing for the Bay Area, all right? Ready? La Bamba These guys are also part of my family.
See, I'm a single parent, and they help me take care of my kids.
This is my brother-in-law, Jesse.
He has a rock band called Jesse Cochran and the Rippers.
Hi, Mom.
And this is my good friend Joey Gladstone.
Joey's a standup comic.
And, of course, I'm much funnier than I am right now.
Yes, Michelle.
Say, "Hi, San Francisco.
" Hi, San Francisco.
Please watch my daddy.
He needs the work.
I outgrow my clothes every four months.
Honesty, marketing and begging for ratings.
Welcome to my world.
This is Danny Tanner, Channel 8 Action Sports.
Dad, can I have a raise in allowance? You'd like to see that, wouldn't you, folks? Kids.
God love them.
Write letters! All right! To be perfectly honest, it needed a poodle.
You guys were great.
Does that mean I get the raise in allowance? Let's wait and see how many letters we get.
- I bet you we get 18 tomorrow.
- Stephanie! Oops.
Okay, everybody who wants a sugar rush - to the kitchen for ice-cream sundaes.
- All right! - Make a nice banana split, relax.
- Yeah, you bet.
Aha! Señor Ferret returns.
He's making you look real bad.
This time he is mine.
Come here, buddy.
Come here.
Hey, remember our deal: a condo, a mink and Club Med.
Got him! Just as I suspected.
A North American silver-footed ferret.
Two and a half pounds.
Adult male.
Joey, he's a pest and he's a varmint.
And the only way to dispose of this menace is.
I'm gonna take him to Big Sur and let him go free.
Oh, you big lug.
Your heart's as big as your hair.
Let's take him in the kitchen.
Show the girls there's no monsters, all right?