Full House s01e19 Episode Script

The Seven-Month Itch (1)

Samantha, I promise, this is gonna be the most romantic weekend of your life.
We'll have a little Chateaubriand.
A little Dom Pérignon.
Yes, and for dessert an empty house.
The family's going away to Disneyland.
Yeah.
Two points.
They're leaving in three minutes.
If you leave now, make all the lights you'll be here in four minutes.
Two minutes after that we'll be in each other's arms gazing into each other's eyes doing a little thing I like to call-- - Uncle Jesse! - The hokey-pokey.
Bye, Aunt Irene.
What is it, kid? - I'm going to Disneyland! - All right! Come on, everybody, we're gonna be late for Disneyland! Stephanie, hold it.
Yeah? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
All right, take a deep breath now.
Relax.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Very good.
You okay? - I'm fine.
- Good.
Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland! Why aren't we in Disneyland? - Steph, calm down.
- Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland! - Let's go, let's go.
- You need to switch the kid to decaf.
Steph, the plane won't leave any earlier just because we're the first ones on it.
If we're the first ones on, we'll be the first ones off and the first in line for the Matterhorn.
Matterhorn? Danny, we gotta go.
D.
J.
, tell me again how it's gonna be.
Well, Disneyland has the greatest rides.
While you're in line, Mickey and Minnie play with you.
No! What are we yakking about? We could be there! Come on, let's go.
Open the door before she goes through it.
Stephanie's right.
Tinker Bell's a-waiting.
Come on everyone.
Skedaddle.
Let's go.
- Let's skedaddle.
- Right.
Here we go.
We're leaving.
Everyone's going.
I'm going.
I'm going.
Jesse, you sure you don't wanna come with us? Are you kidding? No, no, no.
Who's gonna pick up the mail? Who's gonna get the newspaper, feed the dog? Jess, we don't have a dog.
Just because it's not our dog doesn't mean we shouldn't feed him.
Uncle Jesse, I really wish you were coming along but if we don't leave soon, I'm gonna go bananas! She's right.
Any minute, bam! Bananas.
Let's go.
They're going to Disneyland! Yeah.
You know it's amazing.
You've been playing tennis all your life.
I started today, and I beat you three straight sets.
That's wild.
What are you smiling about? Nothing.
I'm just smiling.
You're not just smiling.
That's a "you-let-me-win" smile.
Well.
- Tell me you didn't let me win.
- I didn't let you win.
She let me win.
- You tough guys are so cute.
- "You tough guys are so cute.
" Oh, man, this is great.
Listen.
Nothing.
Sammy, do you realize that we've been going out a month? - This is the first time we've been alone.
- I know.
- With me living at my folks' house.
- And me living at Pee-wee's Playhouse.
But tonight you and I will play house.
We're gonna celebrate.
We're gonna celebrate.
I'm gonna make the most romantic candlelight dinner.
- That sounds perfect.
- So, what will it be? Extra crispy or original recipe? That's cute.
I'm gonna go take a shower and I'll be thinking about you.
Have mercy! And if you hear me laughing, it's because I'm thinking of your backhand.
Look out! Too obvious.
Sammy, brought you some champagne.
Jesse.
Can't blame me for trying.
Thank you.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to slip into my evening attire.
Okay, let's go.
Come on, Steph.
Missing Disneyland isn't the end of the world.
You know airplanes can't fly when it's foggy.
I hate fog.
Birds can fly in fog.
We should have taken a bird.
Steph, I promise, we'll go to Disneyland another time.
Yeah, it was Michelle's first time too.
Look how well she's taking it.
What would she know? She puts her food up her nose.
Steph, I'll tell you what I've got a great idea.
We're gonna make tonight family fun night, right here at home.
What could be more fun than that? I'll tell you what.
Something that starts with a D and ends with a "land.
" These disappointments are tough on a 6-year-old.
I still can't believe we missed Captain Eo.
Steph, what do you wanna do tonight? Mope.
- I'll drop off the kid.
- I'll let Jesse know we're back.
Jesse, we got fogged in.
We're back.
What did you say, Jess? Hey, Jess.
You wear these clothes every time we leave the house? Have mercy.
- You're not Jesse.
- Neither are you.
I'm Samantha.
I'm me.
Danny.
That's short for Daniel.
It's long for Dan.
- Maybe I should just get dressed.
- Not in there.
Your clothes would get wet.
Excuse me.
Door used to be over there.
I'm really sorry.
Imagine my surprise.
Imagine if you came in and saw me in the shower.
Then you'd really be sorry.
Trust me.
Oh, there's shampoo and conditioner in there.
And there's some Woolite on the shelf in case you want to soak a fine washable.
Thank you.
Jesse! Jesse! Oh, no.
It couldn't be.
Could it? - Whoa, look at all the food.
- Oh, yum.
Steph, this is great.
Let's take a trip to Dinnerland.
Oh, it's Dinnerland.
There's lots of fun here.
Oh, I love it here at Dinnerland.
Oh, shrimp.
Hey, Jess.
How's it going? Let go of my shrimp.
Put down my shrimp! Why aren't you guys at Disneyland? Fog, fog, fog.
I hate fog.
Jesse, I just met your friend upstairs.
She's very clean.
I hope we didn't ruin your weekend.
Oh, no.
Why would you think that? Just because I've waited a month to be with Sam.
I've waited five and a half years to go to Disneyland.
I hate fog.
I really hate fog.
- Okay, are we ready for family fun night? - All right! Hot dog.
Hot dog.
Let's sing your favorite one from school.
I got it planned.
Here we go.
Jesse, you play the guitar, D.
J.
, the tambourine.
Do you know "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands"? Yeah, that was on Mà tley Crüe's first Christmas album, right? On three, everybody.
One, two, three! Take it, Steph.
Wasn't that festive? Next verse! On three.
One, two, three.
Everybody! Take it, Joe.
Hey, stomp your feet, would you? Do you have this much fun every night? Yes, hard to believe, isn't it? Steph, aren't we having a good time? It's no Country Bear Jamboree.
Honey, if you don't think about you-know-where it'll be a lot easier.
We'll sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
" We'll do it as a round, it'll be great.
Dad, that's dopey.
Dopey! Don't say that.
Honey, look, it's been a long day.
I know you're tired, you're worn-out, you're grumpy.
- Grumpy! - Sorry.
What I meant was you're probably slee-- Exhausted.
You were gonna say, "Sleepy.
" Thanks for trying, but family fun night's just not any fun.
Guess that kind of puts a damper on Simon Says.
I'll go talk to her.
- Here.
Here.
Take your kid.
- Thanks.
Why don't we go into the kitchen so that? So that Jesse doesn't have to make that face.
Yeah.
You believe it, sport? We're finally alone.
You know your family's terrific.
I had a great time tonight.
But we could have had a really great time tonight.
Well, let's do it tomorrow night.
I know this terrific bed and breakfast place in the Napa Valley.
That sounds so.
So frustrating.
I promised I'd babysit the munchkin tomorrow night.
Well, another time.
They've gotta get that little girl to Disneyland some day.
I'm gonna miss you tonight.
What are you doing here? Here.
Here's 5 bucks.
Go catch a movie.
- Steph, how you doing? - I've been better.
I know how you feel.
No, you don't.
You've been to Disneyland.
Yeah, but I know what's it like not to get what you want.
Remember when I was supposed to do that Oat Boats cereal commercial? And you got it instead? Well, what did I do? Did I mope? No.
You chased me around the kitchen and tried to kill me.
Okay.
Bad example.
Well, there's only one sure way to make you smile.
- The tickle monster! - It's not working.
- Then how come you're laughing? - I'm not.
This is sad laughing.
Steph, I'm so glad to see you happy.
That didn't count.
The tickle monster made me laugh.
Stephanie, you have every reason to be sad.
And I completely understand.
Thank you.
Look, Steph, I want you to really think about this.
You're not always gonna get your own way.
While you're spending this time being sad about missing one thing you're missing out on a lot of other fun things, like our family sing-along.
That wasn't so much fun.
It wasn't fun for you because you didn't want it to be fun.
I had fun.
And D.
J.
had fun.
Right, Deej? It was okay.
Fun.
Big fun.
So it's up to you.
Either you can feel sorry for yourself or you can feel bad for a while and shake it off and move on to the next fun thing.
But I think I know what you're gonna do because you like to smile too much.
- Right? - I guess so.
I know something fun we can do right now.
What? It has to do with dad and a certain monster.
- Uh-oh.
- "Uh-oh" is right.
- Here comes the tickle monster! - Oh, no.
Tickle, tickle.
Go over there, leave me alone Comb your hair over there Come on, stop it.
I can't take it.
Hey, Jess, what's going on? I don't know.
Every time I come in, it seems there's more pink bunnies on the wall.
Well, you know how rabbits are.
- Joey, sit down a second.
- Sure.
Joseph, can I talk to you man to.
Well, man to you? Sure, buddy.
Hey, you look a little down.
Look, I'm sorry if we wrecked your night with Samantha.
It's not just Samantha, it's.
Joseph, be honest with me.
Doesn't living here get to you sometimes? - No.
- Never? Never.
I love it.
You mean you love changing diapers, making school lunches chasing the girls around, changing diapers, helping with homework picking up their toys.
Did I mention changing diapers? Some of those tasks are more rewarding than others.
All right, why? Why? Joey, why are you happy here? Well, Jess it's because when I was growing up, I didn't have brothers and sisters.
I like being part of a big family.
I like having people to care about, that includes you.
Thank you.
Besides, this is the only place I've lived that always has ice cream in the freezer.
Pass.
Joey, don't you ever ask yourself, "What am I doing?" I mean, I used to be this freewheeling living-on-the-edge, no-strings kind of guy.
And now.
Now it seems like I'm-- I'm married or something.
I have all the responsibilities and hassles of three kids.
Yet I can't even deduct them from my taxes.
Well, technically you could if you married Danny.
Joey, do you realize every night I sleep here, I sleep alone? Wanna get bunk beds? No, I don't.
Joey, I'm pouring my heart out here to you and you're making jokes.
I know.
I'm sorry.
All right, talk to me.
I-- I don't know, I.
I guess it's this whole situation.
It's getting to me.
I mean, I have zero privacy.
I try to write my music, and I have all these distractions.
See, I write music, I write it out of my own life experiences, you know.
My last songs have been about changing diapers the measles and tub toys.
I thought that tub toy song was very danceable.
I just feel like I have things to accomplish in my life, you know? I mean, there's things that I wanna do, and there's things I wanna experience and I don't know, but maybe maybe living here is holding me back.
I don't know what the hell's happened to my life, but I gotta regain control of it.
Hey, Jess, look at the bright side.
If you hadn't have moved in here, we'd never be as close as we are.
- I know.
- Hey, sleep on it.
Hey.
Thank you, my friend.
Jesse? Samantha? Jesse? Sammy, what are you doing here? I just wanted to see you.
You shouldn't be in here, everybody's home.
Uncle Jesse, will you help me with my homework? D.
J.
, it's the middle of the night.
But the closer I study to my test, the less I forget.
Uncle Jesse, will you give me a piggyback ride? Uncle Jesse doesn't wanna give you a ride.
- Yes, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
Uncle Jesse, change my diaper.
You can't talk! And you're not allowed to have girls here.
Girls, you gotta go.
Come on.
Everyone, off to bed.
Let's go.
Oh, good, guys.
Okay, great.
Take over for me.
- It's your turn.
- You're their uncle.
- We could be so happy.
- Everybody out.
Everybody go.
Come on.
Let's go.
Everyone.
Go, go.
Hold it.
You, you can stay.
- Uncle Jesse? - Uncle Jesse? - Help me with my homework.
- I want a piggyback ride.
- Jesse? It's your turn.
- You're their uncle.
We could be so happy.
Change me.
Feed me.
- Change me.
- Feed me.
- Feed me.
Change me.
- Feed me.
Change me.
Feed me! - Change me! - Feed me! Oh, my God.
There's two Michelles.
They're multiplying! - Change me! - Feed me! - You're their uncle.
- Your turn.
- So happy.
- Help me with my homework.
- So happy.
- Feed me.
No! I want a piggyback ride.
Help me with my homework.
It's your turn.
You're their uncle.
We could be so happy.
- Change me! - Feed me! - Change me! - Feed me! You're their uncle.
No! Oh, I can't take it anymore.
I gotta get out of this house.
- Jess, wake up! Rise and shine! - Come on, let's go! Get up! "Guys.
I didn't wanna wake anybody up, so I left this note.
I need to get away for a while.
I don't know where I'm going.
I don't know when I'll be back, or even if I will be back.
I don't think it's working out for me here.
I'll call soon.
Tell the girls I love them.
Jesse.
" Jesse ran away from home? - I'm hungry.
- Where's Uncle Jesse?