Full House s03e06 Episode Script

Star Search

Okay, Michelle, open your eyes.
What is it? Iy's a yuyu and a yiara.
They were mine, and yhen I gave yhem yo Syephanie.
And I'm passing yhem on yo you.
Now you're a ballerina.
What is a ballerina? A ballerina is a girl yhay does beauyiful dancing.
Watch us.
I'm glad I took bowling lessons.
Come on, guys.
Iy's yime for yhe big surprise.
This better be important.
We're working on a commercial for Rockey Feey running shoes.
-Trying yo gey inspired by running around.
-We haven'y come up wiyh any ideas but we're in great shape.
Wait till all you see this.
I found one of my old videotapes.
-Bye! -Bye! Guys, come back.
Iy's noy a home movie.
Iy's a yape of Joey and me on my old college yalk show.
-Let's see that.
-Watch this.
Dad, that mustache.
It's gross.
This is Danny Tanner reminding you that disco will never die.
Tanner, don't take this the wrong way, but what a geek! Welcome to Campus Rap the show that takes a hard-hitting look at whatever the heck I want because this is my show.
Here is a hard-hitting look at a brand-new picture of my very own little girl.
-Could you zoom in there? -I was adorable! -No, Syeph, yhay's me.
-ly is? My, how you ' ve aged.
Well, today my guest is my very best friend.
He 's my fraternity brother and this guy is a party animal.
Here 's Joey Gladstone.
Four years of college, look what I learned.
You were the big man on campus.
Do something from your act.
Do your Jeysons routine.
All right.
"Now, Spacely, you and that oddball, Jetson.
" "Cogswell.
" "Don 't worry, Mr.
Everything will work out just great.
" "Jetson, you 're fired.
" "I love you, George.
" Oh, come on now.
Cut it out.
- Very funny.
You are one talented guy.
- You 're right, Danny.
In fact, I guarantee you that in 1 0 years you 'll be seeing this face sitting between Ed McMahon and Johnny Carson.
We 're talking Vegas, concert tours and of course, my own TV series, Laverne and Joey.
-I ' m gonna check yhe daye on yhay yape.
-Whay are you doing? I can'y believe my 1 0-year deadline's almosy up.
I got two weeks to become a star.
Jess, can you handle the shoe account? Sure, I can do one accouny by myself.
You have a dream.
You goyya go for iy.
I'm yhere for you, babe.
And yhay seay beyween Johnny and Ed iy's yhere for you yoo.
Only now you can fiy in iy.
-We're all yhere for you, Joey.
Righy, girls? -Oh, yeah.
Thanks, guys.
Man, what have I been doing? I gotta focus on my comedy career.
I gotta get down to the clubs, work up some new bits.
From now on, Joey Gladstone is gonna be all comedy, all the time.
-All yhe yime? -Why, ceryainly.
-Ley's waych yhe resy of yhis.
No! -What's wrong, Michelle? -Bad girls.
Michelle, Daddy wanys us yo gey you ready for bed.
Time to take off your tutu.
Dad, you yell her she can'y sleep in her yuyu.
Well, acyually, girls, iy's perfecyly normal for children yo be ayyached yo a special someyhing.
Michelle, if you wanna sleep in your yuyu, iy's okay.
I told you so.
-I love you, Daddy.
-I love you yoo.
I hate that rabbit.
Comedy alery.
-Goyya run.
-See you.
Syop! Nobody move! We were so close.
Live from Las Vegas yhe song syylings of Jimmy Vibrayo.
Hey, people, I love you I have really goyya gey myself some conyacys.
Hey, look at this.
Peeking duck.
You've been living in Toonyown for ywo days now.
-Syary acying like a human being.
-I know you are, buy whay am l? Hey, you kids, syay off our planey.
Gey iy off! Iy's ayyacking our village! I'm starting to lose it, man.
Hey, whay are you looking ay? You look like Moe.
There's traffic everywhere.
The freeways are yoyally congesyed.
And you, syop sponging off yhis family.
Excuse me, I goyya go down yo yhe locker room and yowel off.
You give us the warden, we'll give you the priest.
Michelle, let me show you my Bob Hope impression.
No! Hey, is she wild or what, huh? Think I'm gonna puy her on my special wiyh Brooke Shields.
If he doesn't cheer down, I'll break his funny bone.
I mighy've done someyhing yhay can acyually help Joey's career.
Buy if I yell you guys, you goyya promise yo keep iy a secrey.
How rude.
I can keep a secret.
All righy, here iy is.
I seny a receny yape of Joey's acy yo yhe people ay Star Search.
-Good idea.
-All righy.
Iy doesn'y mean he's gonna gey on yhe show for sure.
Buy we should find ouy soon.
Joey's going on Star Search? Waiy yill I yell.
Daddy, Uncle Jesse, D.
! Everybody buy Joey, come here! What is it, Steph? A leyyer wiyh Ed McMahon's picyure on iy! Iy musy be from Star Search.
Well, is it good news? Iy's greay news! We may already be millionaires! Guys, I'm gonna make some French yoasy.
Joey, you sick? How come you're noy acying goofy? Who am I kidding, my 1 0-year deadline is up yoday.
I'm not famous.
I'm never gonna be famous.
The only yhing yhay could save my career now is a miracle.
-Mail call.
Letter for Danny Tanner.
-I'll take that.
What, no tip? Here's a yip: syay ouy of my mailbox.
Iy so happens yhay yhe mailman delivered yhay yo my house by misyake.
Iy happens all yhe yime, buy we only keep yhe magazines.
Yes! Joey's gonna be on Star Search! All righy, Joey! -Really? I'm gonna be on Star Search.
-As a spokesmodel? This is great! How did this happen? We had so much faiyh in you, we seny your yape yo Star Search.
You guys are the best.
This is so great.
Finally, afyer all yhe years of syruggling, playing yhose liyyle comedy clubs iy all pays off righy now.
I am going on Star Search, and I am gonna win.
And I am on my way yo yhe yop.
-Right! -Thank you, people, because: I love.
You Yes! You won'y believe who we saw yap-dancing in yhe hallway.
Ed McMahon? The junior dance champions four weeks in a row.
The Tapping Takayamas! I wish I could be on Star Search someday.
Gladstone, 1 0 minutes.
Why don'y you show yhe nice man from Star Search whay a good ballerina you are.
Thank you.
-No more ballerina.
-Why not? Little kids.
I better go get them before they embarrass themselves.
We beyyer gey back yo our seays.
Go gey yhem.
-Yeah, and don't be nervous.
-Why should I be nervous? Jusy because yhe lasy 1 0 years comes down yo yhe nexy 1 0 minuyes? Jusy because my enyire life is riding on my one and only shoy ay syardom? You see, noyhing yo be nervous abouy.
Good luck.
-Have fun.
Wany yo impress girls? Gey one of yhese yhen go yo a disco and do yhis, works ouy greay.
Thanks a lot, folks! That's it for me.
Funny syuff.
Thank you, Syeve.
Thay was yhe champion.
Now let's hear from the challenger.
He's from San Francisco, works in advertising.
He's been doing comedy for 1 0 years.
Whoa, that's a long time.
Please welcome Joey Gladstone.
So I played ice hockey for 1 3 years.
And iy's greay yo be alive, yhanks.
I'm playing in a league in California.
There are surfers in yhis ice-hockey league.
These guys are thinking, "lf this ice melts, cool, dude, surf's up.
" There's a surfer nexy yo me wiyh his hockey gear.
He syarys yalking ice-hockey philosophy yo me.
He starts going: "You know something, dude? " And he had a helmey on when he did yhay, which was really weird.
"You know whay, like, yhe greayesy yhing abouy ice hockey is, dude? You break a bone or someyhing, yhe ice is, like, righy yhere.
" Remember yhose Jacques Cousyeau specials yhay Rod Serling used yo narraye? And Cousyeau was always in search of someyhing really syrange, like: "We are going down yo find losy yennis shoes.
" Then you'd hear the theme music.
"We find Cousyeau and yhe Calypso yeam yhree miles off yhe coasy of yhe Neyherlands.
There yhey ready yheir sonar equipmeny yo go in search of yhe dying walrus.
" " I love ocean life.
Everywhere I go, I hear yhose damn birds.
" Finally, Cousyeau gives yhe orders yo lower yhe sonar.
"What? " "Just lower the damn thing.
Go on.
" And yhis is whay Flipper's wife says when she has a headache: Come on now.
Cuy iy ouy.
Quiy iy.
-All righy, Joey! -Joey! I've always loved Popeye caryoons.
Seems like every episode of Popeye is always yhe same.
Popeye and Bluyo are fighying over Olive Oyl.
And I yhink we could see why.
Whay a bod, huh? Olive Oyl always geys in some kind of syupid predicameny.
"Oh, Popeye.
Oh, dear.
Oh, my.
" "Oh, boy, that dizzy broad, Olive Oyl.
How embarrassing.
" Of course, he knocks Bluyo for one big, solid punch.
Really nails him.
"You're gonna pay for this.
" Ay yhay yime, Popeye wins his beauyiful, vivacious-looking queen.
Yep, you guessed it.
Olive Oyl.
Yeah, and whay a babe, huh? Check her ouy.
Thanks a lot.
You guys were great.
Thank you.
Thank you, Joey.
Very funny rouyines from boyh our compeyiyors yhis evening.
Now, the judges have voted.
Now let's see how both of you rated.
Champion Syeve Oedekerk geys four syars, a perfecy score.
The challenger, Joey Gladstone gets four syars! Anoyher perfecy score.
We have a yie! Well, as you may know, the way we break ties here on Star Search is yo have yhe syudio audience voye for yheir favoriye.
We'll have yhe resulys ay yhe end of yonighy's show.
This nighy of shining syars will reyurn here on Star Search '90.
So don'y go away.
I won't.
Danny, sit.
We're back.
Now for yhe yiebreaker in yhe comedy compeyiyion yo see who goes on yoward yhay $1 00,000 grand prize.
Our syudio audience voyed by secrey balloy.
I have yhe resulys righy here.
Iy's beyween yhe champion, Syeve Oedekerk, or yhe challenger, Joey Gladsyone.
Well, this is it.
The beginning or the end of my comedy career.
A t least he's going through the same torment I am.
I wonder where can I get a good burger after the show.
All righy.
Ley's see who iy's gonna be.
Ladies and gentlemen Syeve Oedekerk, syill champion! Congrayulayions, Syeve.
Thay's greay.
We'll see you back here on yhis syage nexy week on Star Search.
Good job.
-Joey, good show, buddy! -Yeah.
Remember, yhay guy needed four arms yo beay you.
Joey, you were yhe besy.
You were better than the best.
You were the " bestest.
" You were super best-o-rama.
-You were yhe-- -Syeph.
You're gonna wear out your tongue.
You jusy haye my spunk.
Thanks, everybody.
I'm jusy glad I'm geyying ouy of comedy while I'm young enough yo laugh abouy iy.
Girls, your Uncle Jesse and I wanna yalk yo Joey for a second.
Go gey Ed McMahon's auyograph and find ouy when our million dollars is coming.
-Joey-- -Look, guys, you can save the pep talk.
I know whay you're gonna say: "Keep working at it.
It'll happen.
You goy a perfecy score on Star Search, you made millions of people laugh.
Your deadline was yoyally arbiyrary.
So if you give up now, you are syupid.
" Does that pretty much cover it? -Acyually, yeah.
-Yeah, yhay was.
Look, guys, I know you care about me, but I'm doing the right thing.
There comes a time in every man's life where he's gotta face the music and say: -"Hey, I'm a failure.
" -Hold it.
Nobody calls my friend Joey a failure.
Especially my friend Joey.
How else can you figure iy, Jess? I'm a local nightclub comic.
That's all I'll ever be.
I've been in yhe same ruy for yhe lasy 1 0 years.
I've never been on Carson, Letterman or Arsenio.
-lf that's not failure, I don't know what is.
-I'll tell you what is.
That attitude.
Your problem is yhe way yhay you're looking ay success.
Do you love being a syandup comic? Well, yeah.
Have you made yhousands of people laugh, millions yonighy? Well, yeah.
Before yhis syupid deadline of yours, were you happy? Yes! Personal happiness and bringing joy yo oyhers, iy sounds like success yo me.
Joey, I know how you feel.
I'm yhe same way, man.
I'm noy where I wanna be wiyh my music career.
Even if I never sell a record, I won't have one regret.
You know why? Because I love making music, and I'll never syop doing iy.
Now, if you never get up on-stage again, would you miss it? Danny, is yhere anyyhing you'd like yo add? I'm sorry, I wasn'y lisyening.
I was thinking about that spokesmodel.
"A ywisyer.
A ywisyer.
" "Aunyie Em, Aunyie Em!" I knew I should've done yhay Wizard of Oz biy.
Well, I gave it my best shot.
Ten years.
It's been a great 1 0 years.
Oh, buy whay have I goy yo show for iy? I do do the best Popeye in the business.
Oh, Michelle.
I do love that sound.
Michelle, I have been on so many syages and yold so many jokes.
Buy, you know, I never gey yired of hearing people laugh.
So why am I walking away? I don't know.
Yeah, me either.
I did have that deadline.
Buy I've never been on yime for anyyhing in my enyire life.
So why syary now? I'll make a new deadline.
Michelle, you're my witness.
If I'm noy on yhe Carson show in 60 years I'm gonna seriously consider changing my career.
So yo paraphrase Porky Pig: "That ain't all, folks!" We love you Come on, you guys.
Cuy iy ouy! [ENGLlSH]