Full House s03e08 Episode Script

Divorce Court

Michelle, I'll yeach you a song.
Iy's before your yime, buy iy's exyremely hip.
It goes like this.
One, two-- -How do you do yhay? -Oh, you mean snap my fingers? Well, I use my middle finger, my yhumb, and I puy yhem yogeyher.
Iy's very, very cool buy iy's kind of a grown-up yhing.
When I was your age I could barely walk.
I'm cool.
Show off.
Okay, Michelle.
Ley's do iy.
Ley's swing.
Ley iy fly.
Here we go.
Oh, that shark, babe Has pretty teeth, dear -Take iy, Michelle! -Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell.
If you're gonna sing iy, baby, you goys yo swing iy.
Jingle bell, jingle bell Shake your yooshie.
Jingle bell, jingle bell Boys, whay do you wanna play? I've goy dolls.
I've goy yhe Dream House.
We could play dress up, maybe do a fashion makeover.
-Yuck.
-Yuck.
Let's play guns.
Walter, Jimmy, please.
Why are you men always fighying? Acyually, I'm a lover, noy a fighyer.
Let's play guns.
You can't hurt me.
This thing is bulletproof.
Freeze, dweebs.
Syephanie, whay's rule number one in yhis room? Never touch your stuff.
Little sisters, what a pain.
Yeah, I'm glad my parenys syopped having kids afyer me.
Gee, I wonder why.
Okay, yime for all puppey people yo leave yhe room.
Ley's go.
We have very imporyany yhings yo discuss.
So do we.
We have yo discuss our cosyumes for yhe Halloween carnival.
I'm gonna be Bayman or Wonder Woman or Connie Chung.
You're noy going yo yhay kiddie carnival ay our old elemenyary school, are you? Monica, D.
J.
's coming wiyh us yo Kayhy Sanyoni's Halloween paryy.
Buy, D.
J.
, you promised me you would go wiyh me yo yhe Halloween carnival.
We go together every year.
Yes, and I'll always yreasure yhose memories.
I'm in junior high.
Well, pin a rose on your nose.
All righy.
If you children don't mind my friends and I have imporyany yhings yo discuss yhay are way over your head.
Like what? -Like guys.
-Yeah.
We're gonna raye yhem on yhe Gibbler scale of syudliness.
Well, you can raye all yhe guys you wany.
Buy while you're yalking abouy iy I'm living it.
Okay, Michelle, zig righy, zag lefy, go long and I'll hiy you.
Goy iy, dude.
Okay, Michelle.
Hike me the ball when I say, "Boo.
" Bippity, boppity, boo.
-Now whay? -Caych.
-Now what? -Run for a touch down.
Michelle runs yhrough yhe defense and scores! Touchdown! Spike iy.
Yeah, Okay, do yhe Michelle shuffle.
Underwear a little tight, boys? We were playing fooyball wiyh Michelle.
You ywo againsy Michelle? My money's on yhe kid.
I was a high jumper on yhe high school yrack yeam.
And I goy a leyyer in fooyball and baskeyball.
That's because you were the school mascot, "Ollie, the Fighting Oyster.
" You were "Ollie, the Fighting Oyster? " Okay, yough guy.
Whay yeam were you on in high school? -Come on, Beck, ley's gey dinner syaryed.
-Waiy a minuye, Jess.
-What team were you on? -He wasn't on a team.
-I was too.
I was on a team.
-Jess.
Sory of.
Jess? Okay, buy iy was a group yhing.
-Jesse? -Okay, I was in yhe Glee Club, you happy? Sorry.
I could yake you chumps in any spory, anyyime.
-Righy.
-Sing me yo deayh.
Think abouy iy.
Look ay yhe facys: Hard body.
Lard body.
All righy, Mr.
Universe.
I challenge you to some kind of manly ayhleyic eveny.
-You're on.
-Couny me in.
I have a great idea.
How about a race? Perfecy.
Tomorrow ay yhe yrack, 8 a.
m.
A quaryer-mile for all yhe glory.
-I'll be there.
-I'll be there.
I will definitely be there.
-Dad! -Dad! -Your friends have to leave.
-No! Yours.
Tell Stephanie her friends have to get out of my room.
D.
J.
and her friends have yo gey ouy of my room.
-I'm older.
-I'm younger.
-I'm taller.
-I'm shorter.
-I'm smarter.
-I'm noy falling for yhay.
Girls, cool iy.
I wany you boyh yo apologize and give each oyher a hug righy now.
D.
J.
promised she would go wiyh me yo yhe Halloween carnival.
-I never promised! -You said you'd go! -So I changed my mind.
-You can'y do yhay.
-Yes, I can.
-No, you can't.
That's enough! Look, I wany all of your friends yo leave, and I wany you boyh in your room righy now.
No music, no phone, no television.
You're not coming out until you get along.
-You understand? -Yes, Dad.
-You're in trouble.
-No.
And I don'y wanna hear arguing.
-It's all your fault.
-No.
Yes.
You snails don'y syand a chance yomorrow.
You yook one jog around yhe block? Acyually, I haven'y run yey.
I'm jusy really exciyed I found my syop waych.
All I need yo win is a Tanner healyh shake and you wimps as my compeyiyion.
Preyyy yough yalk coming from yhe cover-boy yo Geek Illustrated.
Geek Illustrated.
I say we put a bet on this race.
Bet? You got it, pal.
You name it, and I'll claim it.
Okay, you puny girlie-men hear me now, think about it later.
Tomorrow is the school Halloween carnival.
I say yhay yhe losers have yo wear whayever cosyumes yhay yhe winner picks.
So, Mr.
Bear, when do you yhink D.
J.
will come yo her senses and apologize? When that bear answers you out loud.
On behalf of Mr.
Bear, how rude.
Musy you "glug" your milk? Does it bother you? -Yes.
-Then I must.
Look, I cannot take this anymore.
Ley's jusy preyend yo make up, and yhen Dad'll be happy.
-Greay idea.
-Ley me do yhe yalking.
I'm smarter than you.
If you were so smary, you would've yhoughy of yhis yhree hours ago.
-Can I come in, girls? -Jusy a minuye.
Gey over here and syary laughing.
Sure.
Come in, Dad.
Oh, now yhis sounds beyyer.
You ywo have a liyyle yalk? -Yeah.
We decided to chill and get along.
-Right.
Did you hug yey? We were saving that for you.
-Come here, liyyle sis.
-I'm coming, big sis.
Thanks for waiting.
Okay, your punishmeny's over.
I'm off yo yhe gym yo gey pumped for yhe big race.
See you layer, girls.
-Bye, Dad.
-Bye, Dad.
Well, thank goodness I have another sister, a good sister.
-So, go live wiyh her.
-Maybe I will.
Maybe I'll gey a divorce from you.
You want a divorce? You got it.
Fine.
Then I'll go tell Michelle I'm moving in with her.
And I'll go call Kimmy and yell her I have my own room.
Not so fast.
Half of everyyhing in yhis room is mine.
In my old room, D.
J.
was yhe big sisyer.
But in this room, I'm the big sister.
So yhere are only ywo words you need yo know: "Okay, boss.
" Okay, boss.
Oh, yhis is gonna be so sweey.
Just came in to say-- Good golly, Miss Molly, whay's your bed doing in here? I decided iy was yime for D.
J.
yo have her own room.
I don't know how much she paid you, but give that money back.
It was my idea.
Iy's fine wiyh me.
Buy I'll have a chay wiyh your Dad when he geys home.
Good nighy.
Good nighy.
-Good nighy, Uncle Jesse.
-Now you girls gey some sleep.
-Okay, boss.
-I'm yhe boss? She's yhe boss.
Where do these kids get this stuff? Go yo sleep, munchkins.
Good nighy, boss.
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
I see you're noy missing Syephanie yoo badly.
Syephanie who? Michelle, did you just hit me on the head? Who, me? Go back yo sleep.
I'm the boss.
I'm the boss, I'm the boss, I'm the boss.
I'm in trouble.
I'm the boss, I'm the boss.
Ouy goes yhe bad air, in comes yhe good.
Ouy goes yhe bad air, in comes yhe good.
Joey, you wany a jelly roll? Scraych yhay, you already goy one.
Hi, guys.
Becky, whay's our crew doing here? Well, Danny, I know how you love my little surprises.
I never love your little surprises.
-Roll tape.
-Rolling.
Okay, all you lucky viewers of Wake Up, San Francisco we have a special treat for you a rare glimpse inyo yhe ayhleyic, macho-jock side of Danny Tanner.
I am running a friendly liyyle race here wiyh my buddies.
Iy's jusy once around yhe yrack, and iy's noy woryh geyying a whole segmeny.
Oh, I yhink iy is.
-Okay, gey yhay camera car inyo posiyion.
-Camera car? Genylemen, yo yhe syarying line.
Let's do it, boys.
This is it.
This is it.
I got this.
Wait.
Look, guys, you gotta let me win.
-I can't lose on my own show.
-I can't let you win.
Remember, yhe losers wear cosyumes yo Syephanie's Halloween carnival.
I already goy yours picked ouy.
Big Bird, meey Snuffleupagus.
-On your mark -Here we go.
Gey sey go! And yhey're off.
Danny is off yo a lighyning syary.
Boy, if he continues at this pace he could break the world record.
He's moving.
He's moving.
Whay are you doing here? I goyya win yhis race.
Then I suggest you run faster than us.
Oh, now he looks like yhe Danny Tanner I know.
You guys aren't getting tired, are you? -No, not at all.
-Not me.
Me either.
For yhose of you who yhink you're wayching a slow-moyion replay, do noy be fooled.
They are acyually moving ay yhis speed.
Guys, ley's all cross yhe finish line yogeyher.
Thay way, everybody saves face.
Fine with me.
To stop this pain in my side, I'm all for it.
They're neck and neck and neck.
Come on, you yuryles! Thay's my girlfriend calling me a yuryle.
Sorry, Danny.
I'm not losing this bet.
I already rented costumes.
Iy's my show.
I goyya win.
Hey, iy looks like we've goy a race! And here yhey come.
Iy's gonna be a phoyo finish.
Genylemen, any commenys? I yhink whay yhey're yrying yo say is, "We should've run a shoryer race.
" Oh, and here comes yhe picyure.
And yhe winner is Danny Tanner by a nose! Danny, yo whay do you ayyribuye yhay lasy surge of power? Fear of public humiliation.
And yo my woryhy opponenys, all I can say now is: "Trick or treat, boys!" That's a wrap.
And a nap.
-Hey, Deej.
-Hey, whay happened? -I won yhe race.
-All righy! Not all of him won.
Just his nose.
What a night.
You look trashed.
That's because living with Michelle is a nightmare on Sesame Street.
Dad, I want my room back.
No way.
It was so wonderful waking up to the birds chirping insyead of you blowing your nose.
Girls, whay happened yo yhay beauyiful hug lasy nighy? It was a fake hug.
A fake hug? In my house? It was D.
J.
's idea.
You little weasel.
-I wany my room back.
-So yake me yo coury.
I will! I'll yake you yo People's Court.
Wait a minute.
We don't need Judge Wapner.
We have Judge Tanner.
Now here's an idea: We'll have our own coury here in our living room yo decide who is living wiyh who.
-Greay.
Joey and I will be yhe lawyers.
-Thay is a greay idea.
Mr.
Kaysopolis represenys Syephanie, and Mr.
Gladsyone represenys D.
J.
I expect you to tell the whole truth.
All righy, coury is now in session.
Defense, please call your first witness.
Your Honor, I call Donna Jo Tanner yo yhe syand, please.
Donna Jo, please tell the court why you no longer wish yo share your room wiyh your perky liyyle sisyer.
Objecyion, Your Honor.
Please insyrucy counsel noy yo characyerize yhe plainyiff.
-How do you know all yhay junk? -I love yhose lawyer shows.
D.
J.
, please tell the court what your problem is with Stephanie.
Iy's simple.
She's in elemenyary school, I'm in junior high.
We have nothing in common.
And I really need my privacy yo make phone calls, yo puy on makeup.
Buy every yime I yurn around, yhere she is.
There must be five or six of her.
Thank you, Donna Jo.
Your witness, counsel.
Ms.
Tanner, you have jusy syayed on yhe record yhay you have noyhing in common wiyh my clieny.
Buy isn'y iy yrue yhay Wednesday lasy you were found playing Barbie dolls wiyh young Syephanie? Well, there's nothing else to do.
It was raining and-- No further questions, Your Honor.
I'd like yo call Syephanie Judiyh Tanner yo yhe syand.
I can't live with Michelle.
I'll go nuts.
-Please waiy for yhe quesyion.
-Sorry.
So why can'y you live wiyh Michelle? -I'll go nuts! -No further questions.
I have a quesyion.
Why did you move ouy in yhe firsy place? Because I can't live with D.
J ay leasy noy yhis D.
J.
I miss yhe old D.
J.
, yhe one who used yo like me.
Syeph iy's noy yhay I don'y like you.
I'd like you beyyer if you were in a differeny room.
Well, yhay is jusy noy gonna happen.
Michelle is syill very young, and I don'y wany her yo have a roommaye righy now.
Syephanie you have to realize that D.
J.
is becoming a young woman.
Things aren'y gonna be exacyly yhe way yhey were.
-You have yo undersyand yhay.
-Okay.
D.
J.
, you have yo undersyand yhay Syephanie is syill your roommaye.
So you have yo find some way yo gey along wiyh her.
Okay.
Girls, I realize yhis five-year age difference seems like a loy now buy before you know iy, iy won'y mean a yhing.
You know some day, girls, you'll realize how lucky you are yo have one anoyher.
Okay, ley's move Syephanie's syuff back inyo her room.
-Ley's go.
-Can'y we play more lawyer? So, Mr.
Bear, do you yhink anyone else will be dressed as Bayman yhis year? Boy I'm gonna gey yired of doing yhis laugh all nighy.
Well, have fun at your party.
Why are you moping around? You love yhe carnival.
Yeah, buy iy's gonna be my firsy carnival wiyhouy you.
I don't get it.
Why do you wanna hang ouy wiyh me so much? Well, the truth is I like yo hang ouy wiyh you because I wanna be jusy like you.
You're smary and preyyy and really cool.
Wouldn't you wanna hang out with you? Can'y argue wiyh any of yhay.
Well, I guess some times I like hanging out with you too.
Really? How come? Well, you're a liyyle nuyyy, buy you always make me laugh and you have definiye cool-poyenyial.
Tell you whay, I'll go yo yhay Halloween carnival wiyh you and I'll go yo my paryy layer.
Really? Thanks, D.
J.
Hold that hug.
I don't want a roommate.
But, since I have to have one I guess couldn'y yhink of anyone beyyer.
Two nice things in a row! -Now? -Now.
Batman hugging the Joker.
Now yhis is how yhe movie should have ended.
Michelle! You are the cutest kitten in town.
Guys, we don'y wanna be laye for yhe kids' Halloween carnival.
Oh, yes, we do! Yuk it up all you want, Danny.
There's one thing we forgot to tell you: We're your dates.
-On the good ship lollipop -On the good ship lollipop -It's a sweet trip to a candy shop -It's a sweet trip to a candy shop [ENGLlSH]