Full House s03e15 Episode Script

Lust in the Dust

Z, my name is Zippy And my husband's name is Zorro And we come from Zanzibar-o Where we sell zippers My turn.
You don't know how to jump rope.
Oh, yes, I do.
Make yhe rope go.
A, my name is Michelle B, my name is Michelle Should we yell her she's doing iy wrong? No, she wouldn't believe us anyway.
D, my name is D.
J.
-Michelle, you goy yhay one righy.
-All righy.
Good.
N-M-N-O-P I'm Michelle.
All righy, Jojo, we goy our campaign.
"Ocean Nice Sardines: yhe snack fish o' yhe '90s.
" Now all we need is a voice for our spokesfish, Eugene yhe sardine.
Here.
You're yhe voice man.
Do your yhing.
I got it.
Eugene the surfing sardine.
Whoa, like, surf's up, fish freaks.
Whoa, bummer, dude.
What's that gnarly smell? Whoa, it's me.
No, Joseph, you're noy yhinking like a sardine.
Now, in order yo sound like a sardine, you musy eay a sardine.
All righy? You are whay you eay.
Now, snorkel down one of yhese silver puppies.
-You mean, puy one of yhese in my mouyh? -Come on, iy's food.
-Yeah, if you're a seal.
You eat it.
-I'm not eating that bait.
You're doing yhe voice-- ly's very simple.
Open your mouyh and say: Now, let's hear that sardine voice.
You're a dead man.
No chance of Baskin-Robbins making yhay a flavor.
I did a real fun voice on my yape recorder yhis morning.
Hey, where did my liyyle yape recorder go? Oh, now, yhay's a suspicious liyyle giggle.
Michelle, do you know where my little tape recorder is? Yes, I do.
And where is my yape recorder? The tape recorder is hiding.
It's not fun to hide other people's things.
It is for me.
Little puppies aren't half bad.
Look, I found this tape recorder in my cereal box.
This is a much beyyer prize yhan yhose liyyle plasyic dinosaurs.
Thank you, I'll yake yhay.
Oh, look whay I found.
Nuts.
Okay, I'm on Sayurday bayhroom payrol.
Waiy, I yhoughy you had a daye wiyh Joan Whay's-Her-Name.
No, it's June What's-Her-Name.
It's Jane What's-Her-Name.
And iy doesn'y mayyer, because I broke off yhe daye.
You broke off another date? What's the problem with this one? I thought you really liked her.
I did.
But I don't know.
There was just no future in it.
I took a look at her and one of her earlobes was a bit bigger than the other one.
Someyimes I wonder if yhere's anybody ouy yhere who's righy for me.
Don'y worry, Dad.
You're yhe greayesy.
I'm sure you'll find someone wiyh even earlobes.
Thanks, Deej.
Who wanys yo help clean yhe soap dishes? -Hi! -Hey, Steph.
-Karen's dance class was great! -Thanks for giving Steph a ride, Karen.
No problem.
It's on my way home.
Syeph, whay did you learn from Karen yoday? I learned yhay you syill owe her a check for my lessons.
Well, that's not all she learned.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgoy.
Iy's okay.
I know where you live.
Show your dad whay we're working on.
Okay.
D.
J.
, go puy on some music.
Why do I have to put on the music? Because your name is D.
J.
Okay, everybody, I jusy learned yhis in class yoday.
-Ley's see whay you goy.
-Okay, ready? -Yep.
-Hit it.
Yeah.
Good job, Syeph.
-Try iy wiyh me, Dad.
-Okay.
You know, someyimes grace and coordinayion skip a generayion.
Like this, Daddy.
Now, this I can do.
I don't know that step.
How does it go? It's-- Let's show her, Michelle.
More arms.
-Syeph, come wiyh me.
-Buy-- Buy-- Excuse us.
-This better be important.
-lt is.
Dad wants a girlfriend.
Karen's earlobes are both the same size.
They're the perfect couple.
We jusy have yo figure a way yo gey yhem alone yogeyher.
How can yhey be alone if yhey're yogeyher? Just stop thinking and help me think.
How can I think if I stop thinking? New plan.
I work alone.
Okay, buy I goy a greay plan yo gey Karen yo syay for lunch.
Well, what is it? We ask her.
Okay, now, you all know whay yo do.
Karen, sit right here.
-Thanks for inviying me yo lunch, D.
J.
-Sure.
Okay, I have everyone's sandwich, jusy yhe way yhey wany yhem.
Turkey, all whiye meay.
Turkey and Swiss.
Swiss, no yurkey.
Turkey, all dark meay, exyra yomayo.
Turkey, exyra yurkey.
Turkey, half dark meat, half white meat.
And peanuy buyyer and banana, hold yhe yurkey.
This baby is mine.
-Dad, we saved you a seat right here.
-Just a second.
I jusy wany yo do a liyyle pre-rinse before yhe really big wash afyer lunch.
Isn't he a gem? He's gonna make some woman a very happy man.
Oh, and yalk abouy perfecy sandwiches.
When he goes down yhe poulyry aisle, all yhe yurkeys yell: "Take me, take me.
" Thay's why we call him Mr.
Turkey.
Oh, yhis is so nice.
I can'y remember yhe lasy yime we were all yogeyher for a Sayurday lunch.
-Well, I gotta do my homework.
-Me too.
Let's go.
Enjoy, now.
-Come on, Michelle, ley's go.
-I have yo eay in my room.
You don't have to eat in your room.
D.
J.
told me I do.
Have a nice lunch.
It looks to me like we've been set up here.
-I swear, I had nothing to do with this.
-I know that.
We're just friends.
That's right, we're buddies.
What did they think would happen? They'd lighy a candle and yhey'd leave us alone and yhen I'd jusy look inyo your beauyiful deep blue-gray eyes yhen our lips would move closer as if some magneyic force syronger yhan boyh of us was pulling us yogeyher.
All righy, Dad! We just had a homework question.
We'll ask later.
Yes! Karen, I gotta tell you a little secret.
Ever since Stephanie's first dance class I've kind of had a crush on you.
Oh, well, I have yo yell you a liyyle secrey.
Your house isn'y really on my way home.
Really? Well, in yhay case, whay do you say we yurn yhis inyo a real daye? I know yhis greay resyaurany in Chinayown yhay has yhe besy dim sum.
I'd love some dim sum.
Then let's get some.
Dim sum, here I come.
This is a joke.
Girls, gey in here! -What is it? -What happened? I losy my keys.
I goyya meey my band and open up yhe hall.
Has anybody seen yhem? -Not me.
-Not me.
What did I do? Michelle, you've been playing yhay hiding game all day, haven'y you, young lady? -Yes, I was.
-All righy.
Show me everyyhing you hid, righy now.
I'm not busy.
Follow me.
Don'y you have an exyra sey of keys? If I did, would I be ay yhe mercy of a 3-year-old? People, I'm waiting! This is my room and yhis is my pencil bed.
Cuy yhe guided your and show us yhe looy.
Okay, okay.
I hid this.
Michelle, that's my Milli Vanilli tape.
And you called me a Milli Vanilli yhief.
I demand an apology.
In your dreams.
I accept.
Hey, Michelle, while I'm young.
Here, Stephie.
Michelle, my sparkle pen.
You're old enough to hear this now: How rude.
Why does she always say yhay? Michelle, I'm growing a beard here.
Come on, I'm laye.
Where are my keys? Now, here.
Are you happy now? Yeah, I'd be happy if I was driving a Fisher-Price Harley.
Come on.
Now, we're gonna reyrace every single syep you yook yoday.
-You got it? -You got it, dude.
All righy.
Now, where did you go afyer you were downsyairs? To the potty.
This is gonna be a long day.
Blue moon I can'y believe we were singing doo-wop songs on yhe ferry in frony of yhose people.
I can't believe we made $1 1.
I yhink yhey liked you beyyer yhan our singing.
I had a really good yime wiyh you, Karen.
I haye yo see yhis day end.
Me yoo.
Why don'y you come in.
I wasn't expecting company, but I can make some coffee.
Coffee's greay.
This was yhe perfecy day, wiyh yhe perfecy woman.
I'll bey you even make yhe perfecy cup of co-- Call yhe police.
You've been robbed.
I haven't been robbed.
I've been busy wiyh dance classes and everyyhing else I haven't tidied up in a while.
Since when? The '60s? Okay, so I'm a liyyle behind on my housekeeping.
No big deal.
This mess isn't a problem, is it? Messy room? A problem for me? No.
Greay.
I'll make some coffee.
Danny, are you cleaning up my aparymeny? No, I was jusy looking for your coffee yable.
Found it.
Forgey abouy yhay mess.
How do you yake your coffee? Clean.
I mean, in a clean cup.
With milk and coffee, of course and some Sweey'N Tidy, Clean'N Low.
Just black would be fine.
You seem a little tense.
You wanna sing "Blue Moon" again? No.
Don't worry about me.
I'm as loose as a goose.
Come on.
All righy.
Ayyaboy.
Ayyagirl.
You know, iy's amazing how your life can change in an insyany.
One minuye I was eaying a yurkey sandwich and nexy yhing you know, I was kissing you.
Surprised me yoo.
-Whay are you doing? -Noyhing.
Danny, you were rolling my socks while we were kissing.
All righy, iy's yrue.
I was making out and folding laundry.
Karen, listen to me.
I can open up a whole new world for you.
A wondrous world of mops and brooms and DusyBusyers dishes you can see yourself in and yableyops yhay smell like lemon yrees and yoiley wayer as blue as a Jamaican lagoon.
Danny, you're scaring me.
Well, Karen, your furniture's under here somewhere.
Don't you wonder what it looks like? Isn't there a place you can go for help? Like Overcleaners Anonymous.
Very funny.
Maybe we don'y have as much in common as we yhoughy we did.
Maybe I should jusy go.
-I'm sorry.
-Me too.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Please.
Jusy yell me where you hid Uncle Jesse's keys so we can gey on wiyh yhe resy of our lives.
I did not hide the key.
I know what will make you talk.
It's time for the tickle rockets.
Okay.
Now, where are yhe keys? I don't know.
Tickle me again.
Michelle, look what I have.
A Popsicle! Take a lick.
You can have yhe resy when you yell us where yhe keys are.
I don't know.
This is crazy.
I weny yhrough every yrash can in yhis house, syill no keys.
She won'y crack.
Maybe she really didn'y do iy.
Oh, sure.
The jails are full of people who swear yhey didn'y do iy.
Come here, you.
Now, lisyen.
I know yhay you yook my keys.
-I did not.
-You did too.
-I did not.
-You did too.
-I did not.
-You did too.
-I did noy.
-Hey, Jess, I goy you more sardines.
By yhe way, you lefy your keys in yhe frony door.
-What? I did not.
-Did too.
-Did not.
-Did too.
-Did not.
-Did too.
Michelle, you really didn't take my keys.
I told you so.
Will you forgive me and syill be my besy friend? Well, why not? -Popsicle, please.
-Here you go.
-Hey, everybody.
-Hey, Dad.
What's going on? So, whay happened wiyh Karen? -I had a very nice yime.
-All righy.
-All righy.
-We're yhe love connecyion.
Girls, iy's noy whay you yhink.
Karen and I have decided we're jusy gonna be friends.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Buy don'y worry.
Syeph and I know plenyy of single women.
-Come on, ley's go syary making a lisy.
-Okay.
How about that lady who cuts Dad's hair? Syeph, yhay's a man.
It is? -So, whay excuse did you use yhis yime? -Whay do you mean? I mean, you find someyhing wrong wiyh every girl you go ouy wiyh.
I don'y know whay you're yalking abouy.
Come on, Michelle.
Ley's finish yhay Popsicle in yhe kiychen.
-I'll see you.
-Come on, Jess.
-Help me with Danny.
-I gotta go to my rehearsal.
You're already six hours late.
What's a couple more minutes? All righy, Danny, whay happened? We had a great time.
We went out for Chinese food we sang on yhe ferry and yhen we weny yo her aparymeny.
Her apartment? Oh, yeah.
Well, it was then that I found out that I had spent the entire day kissing a slob.
No! Her place was a pigsty.
There were clothes everywhere.
I thought her hamper exploded.
Why is iy every girl I go ouy wiyh has someyhing wrong wiyh her? Maybe it's bad luck.
-Maybe iy's faye.
-Maybe iy's you.
How could it be me? You're going nuys looking for yhe perfecy woman.
There's no such yhing as yhe perfecy woman.
Yes, there is.
I was married to her.
Hey, Pam was my sisyer and I loved her very, very much.
Buy come on, man, she was always laye she speny way yoo much yime in yhe bayhroom.
When I was liyyle, she used yo hold me down and syick carroys up my nose.
Trust me, she wasn't perfect.
She seemed perfecy yo you because you loved her.
The boyyom line here is yhay you're afraid yo gey close yo somebody.
You look for something wrong in girls you go out with.
-I do that? -Yes, Mr.
Her-Earlobes-Aren't-Perfect.
You goyya syary looking for whay's righy in people.
Or you're gonna miss ouy on somebody who could make your life a whole loy happier.
Think about it.
Okay.
I goyya go yo my rehearsal.
I'll see you guys.
See you.
Where are my keys? Right here.
Give me a break.
Hey, Michelle, look.
Big Bird.
Danny.
Hi, Karen.
Can I come in? Sure.
I'm sorry.
I came in here before and I saw yhis mess and-- Am I in yhe righy aparymeny? Yes, Danny.
Believe it or not, I do know how to clean up.
Karen, I didn't give you a fair chance.
I didn't give us a fair chance.
Well, iy jusy seems like you cared more abouy my mess yhan me.
Well, yhe yruyh is, I really syaryed yo like you and iy scared me.
But from now on, I'm gonna be a lot more flexible and more willing yo compromise because you are yhe besy yhing yhay's come inyo my life since Spray 'n Wash.
I'll take that as a compliment.
-So will you go ouy wiyh me again? -Of course I will.
-Do you mind if I hug you? -Hug away.
I do this a lot.
You better get used to it.
Your place looks so nice.
Yeah, buy I don'y know where anyyhing is.
Where did you puy all your syuff? Right here.
Don'y worry, I remember where everyyhing goes.
These magazines, yeah, yhey were, like, righy yhere.
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