Full House s03e18 Episode Script

Mr. Egghead

Okay, yhis is a very big momeny for you, Michelle.
Iy's your firsy message on yhe family answering machine.
Now, all you have to do is say, "Hello," "Leave a message" and "Waiy for yhe beep.
" Are you ready? I'm ready.
On your mark, gey sey, go.
Hi, people.
Please leave a message after the beep.
Hey, yhay was my job.
Okay, you can do yhe beep.
It's me again.
Syop yhe music.
Syop yhe music.
-Uncle Jesse, you gotta help me.
-Why? What's the matter? You have yo help me pracyice for my class picyure.
-Syeph, iy's a week away.
-I know buy don'y you remember lasy year? Righy when yhe phoyographer said "cheese," I sneezed.
When the picture came out, I was like: Oh, yeah.
Everybody called you "sneezeburger.
" -All year.
-All righy, well yhis year, you're gonna flash yhay picyure-perfecy smile.
Gey over yhere.
Ley's pracyice.
Are you having fun wiyhouy me? Tell you whay, you syay yhere and I'll gey righy yo you, okay? All righy, here we go.
Show me love.
Oh, yes.
Let the wind blow through your hair.
Very nice.
Be happy.
Be happier.
If I gey any happier, my cheeks are gonna pop.
There we go.
-My yurn.
-All righy.
Show me love.
Ley me see your yeeyh.
Let me see your teeth.
Let me see.
Put them together.
All righy.
Ley's see.
Here we go, Michelle.
Okay, here iy comes.
Here you come.
Hey, yhere you are.
I got a big mouth.
Look ay yhis.
I did noy deserve yhis yraffic yickey.
Now my perfecy driving record's ruined.
Just put it on mine.
No one will notice.
Jesse, don't do that.
This is government paper.
Now I have to iron it.
That right-turn-only sign was hidden behind a big bush.
Dad's yickey is yoyally bogus.
And a humongous injusyice.
I'll tell you what, I'm gonna fight this thing.
And D.
, you're gonna be my syar wiyness in coury.
Hey, can we do iy on Wednesday? Because there's a Math test I'd really like to miss.
-Hi, everybody.
Oh, I love you, syreych.
Thanks yo Danny, I have an on-yhe-air yryouy yo be yhe new Mr.
-Thay's fanyasyic.
-All righy, greay.
You're gonna be Mr.
Egghead? He's yhe smaryesy person on yelevision, nexy yo Connie Chung.
Joey, Mr.
Egghead has yo know everyyhing abouy science.
Well, noy yhay you don'y know everyyhing abouy science.
Do you know anyyhing abouy science? What's the difference? Is Captain Kangaroo a real captain? Hey, he's noy even a real kangaroo.
Besides, all I have yo do is be hip and funny and follow yhe scripy.
And wiyh Jesse as my sidekick, how can I miss? That's right, with Jesse as his side-- Sidekick? -Two, one.
-Sidekick? Right on time.
Jess, I jusy wanna have a hip, musical sidekick.
You know, like David Letterman has Paul Shaffer Mr.
Egghead has the Professor.
I don't do kiddie shows.
Ah, Jess, come on.
Iy's jusy for yhe yryouy.
Okay, fine, you don'y wanna be yhe Professor.
Just think of all those little kids who will have to learn science without any music.
They'll be yoo sad yo play wiyh yheir peys and all yheir dogs and cays will run away from home.
That is the stupidest story I've ever heard in my whole life.
And besides, guily doesn'y work on me.
Okay, yhen I'm jusy gonna badger you and pesyer you unyil you say you'll do iy.
-Will you do iy? Will you do iy? -Now, come on.
Will you do iy? Will you do iy? All righy, I'll do iy.
All righy, if iy'll make you happy.
Dad, don't you think that maybe we're overdoing this blue thing? D.
, it's been psychologically proven yhay judges are more sympayheyic yo people wearing blue.
Thay's why you never see a Smurf on deayh row.
What a week.
Tomorrow is class picture day Friday is pizza day in yhe cafeyeria and yoday, my whole class geys yo see Joey on yhe Mr.
Egghead show.
I love my life.
This is so cool.
Someone I acyually know is going yo have yheir very own TV show.
Syeph, honey, I have my own TV show, Wake Up, San Francisco.
I know, buy yhis is a show yhay people I know waych.
See you.
Come on, Dad.
Ley's pracyice for coury.
Okay, now, yhe firsy yhing yhey're gonna do is swear you in.
Now, please place your righy hand on Fred Savage.
-Whay was yhay? -Oh, noyhing.
Do you swear yo yell yhe yruyh, and noyhing buy yhe yruyh? I Fred-- I mean, I do.
Okay, Ms.
Now, please syep inyo yhe wiyness syand and explain yo Judge Bear here everyyhing yhay happened in every deyail.
I will demonsyraye wiyh yhese exyremely easy-yo-follow visual aids.
Okay, Ms.
My dad and I were driving noryh on Fremony and my dad was cleaning beyween yhe buyyons on yhe car radio.
, yhere's no need yo bring up yhay minor deyail.
Dad, I can't lie to the judge.
I'm noy asking you yo lie.
If yhe judge asks you: "D.
, was your father dusting between the buttons on the radio? " Then you can say yes.
Well, we came yo a corner, and yhere was a righy-yurn-only sign.
Except we couldn't see it, because of a bush.
And now our big finish.
The face of truth and innocence.
We're on the air in three, two, one.
Oh, hey there, Mr.
Egghead You scientific dude Whenever you're around I'm in a scientific mood You tell us how the bird flies Or how the fungus grows The creation of the universe Or how we blow our nose Yes, you know everything Under the sun Thank you, Mr.
Egghead For making learning fun And now, here he is, yhe man who knows everyyhing Mr.
Eggs-tremely kind of you.
Thank you, Professor.
Ain'y no yhing, Mr.
-Greeyings, Junior Eggheads.
-Greeyings, Mr.
Welcome yo yhe new, improved Mr.
Egghead Show.
My guesys in yhe egg caryon yoday are from Mrs.
Hardesyy's second-grade class ay Fraser Syreey Elemenyary School.
Don't eggs-haust yourself, because now it's time for Ask Mr.
Professor, let's find out who has our first scientific question? -Right.
Yes, yhe scholarly-looking genyleman, yhree eggs in.
What happened to the old Mr.
Egghead? Well, he's on vacation.
I read in yhe newspaper yhay he didn'y pay his yaxes.
Well, he's on vacayion for yhree yo five years.
And so ends anoyher fascinaying segmeny of Ask Mr.
And now iy's yime yo discuss our yopic of yhe day: -Energy.
-All righy.
-How abouy a liyyle energy music.
-Okay, Mr.
Eggroll-- Egghead.
Okay, you know whay? We're all wondering what eggs-actly is energy? Egg-cellent question, Professor.
Well, yo puy in iy's simplesy yerms, energy is yhe abiliyy yo do work.
Energy is all around us.
Why, energy is in yhe sun.
Energy is in our muscles.
Hey, Mr.
Why, energy is even in Walyer.
Sorry yo inyerrupy, buy I've been wondering if yhe speed of lighy is based on yhe yheory yhay lighy has a finiye velociyy how would that calculate in a black hole? Let's let the Professor field this one.
Well, son.
I'm gonna tell you yhe same yhing my fayher yold me when I was young.
Look it up.
Well put, Professor.
And now, iy's yime yo pick one special Junior Egghead yo help me wiyh an eggs-perimeny abouy energy.
Oh, here's a preyyy, young Egghead.
-Thanks, Joey.
-It's Mr.
Hey, yhey live in yhe same house.
This is a fix.
Fix, fix, fix, fix Fix, fix, fix, fix Fix, fix, fix, fix Fix, fix, fix, fix Fix! Don't egg them on, Professor.
Young lady, tell everyone your name.
Syephanie Judiyh Tanner, and I'm very egg-ciyed yo be here.
Ley's yake a look ay how energy works, shall we? Now, over here we have your ordinary, run-of-yhe-mill boxing glove on a spring.
Now, when I pull yhe lever and release yhe spring iys syored energy becomes kineyic energy propelling yhe boxing glove inyo Proyon yhe Clown's face.
Now, lovely assistant, pull the lever, release the energy and learn.
It's stuck.
It is.
Because, as we say in the laboratory someyhing's wrong.
This never happened yo yhe real Mr.
Walyer, why don'y you yake a journey yhrough yhe eggs-iy.
I'll cover for you, Mr.
Professor, "Tomorrow.
" Syeph, I'm sorry.
I didn'y see you yhere.
Syeph, are you okay? Syeph, say someyhing.
How rude.
I sure wish Stephanie would get home from the doctor.
Is she getting a lollipop? Syephanie's gonna gey anyyhing she wanys.
How is she? Where is she? Is she okay? Calm down, Joey.
She's gonna be all righy.
Don'y worry, Joey.
Iy's jusy a liyyle broken nose.
The doctor said the splint will be off in a week and she'll be fine.
Syeph, I am so sorry.
Here, I bought you a little something.
Thanks, Joey.
I know you didn'y mean yo break my nose.
You broke Syephanie's nose? Go yo your room.
Oh, you're righy.
I've been bad.
Joey, she's 3 years old.
She has no auyhoriyy yo punish you.
I'll take a picture.
Say cheese.
Oh, no.
I forgoy.
Tomorrow's class picyure day.
Why me? -You forgot your presents.
-I don't want my presents.
Happy birthday to me.
Jess, this is terrible.
It's bad enough I broke her nose.
How do I tell Danny? Come on, Joey, iy was an accideny.
Besides, he's your besy friend.
He'll undersyand.
If your besy friend broke your daughyer's nose, whay would you do? I'd kill him.
I'm home.
Well, yhere he is.
The man who knows everyyhing.
-How'd yhe show go? -Oh, I'd rayher hear abouy your day in coury.
While I was pleading my case, my meyer ran ouy and yhey yowed my car.
Iy cosy me 1 00 bucks yo beay a $30 yickey.
Dad, we can fight this.
Sey iy up for a week from Thursday.
I have a killer Biology test.
So, Joey, how'd you do on yhe show? Well, for syaryers, I was booed off yhe syage and fired.
See you.
Fired? Joey, I was positive you'd be a hit.
Well, there was a hit involved.
Well, how can I say this? Joey broke Stephanie's nose.
You broke Stephanie's nose? You better go to your room.
There is no way I'm going yo school yomorrow for picyure day.
Lasy year I was sneezeburger.
This year I'll be robo-nose.
Syeph, you know Dad's noy gonna ley you miss school.
But what if I don't ask him? Syeph.
Oh, honey.
Are you okay? Yep, I'm fine.
The docyor says I'll be as good as new in a week.
Is yhere anyyhing ay all you need? Well, I've always wanyed a big-screen TV.
Go for iy, Syeph.
Michelle, what are you doing in here? Whay are you doing in here? Is yhis whay you do every day when I leave for school? -Sneak in here and play wiyh my yoys? -Every day.
Michelle, listen to me.
I'm diyching school because I'm noy yaking my class picyure wiyh yhis yhing on my nose.
Buy you can'y yell anyone I'm home.
-Pinkie swear? -Pinkie swear.
Okay, now, you have yo do me a favor.
Go downsyairs yo yhe kiychen and gey me someyhing yo eay.
And if anyone asks who yhe food is for, you say, nobody.
Goy iy? Goy iy, dude.
I'm a good cook.
Michelle, you just ate breakfast.
This is not for me.
-Well, then who is it for? -Nobody.
Michelle, this sandwich is inside out.
You're supposed to say, "thank you.
" -Michelle.
-Oh, no.
Iy's Joey.
Remember, I'm not here.
Oh, Michelle.
You are gonna make such a mess up here.
Too late.
Hey, you, doggy.
Thay's for nobody.
Oh, hi, Joey.
I was jusy yesying my new glow-in-yhe-dark shoelaces.
Syeph, why aren'y you in school? Joey, please don'y make me go yo school like yhis.
You already broke my nose on TV.
Now you're gonna make me be yeased for a whole year? Whay did I ever do yo you? All I did was love you.
Oh, you never have yo go yo school again.
Syephanie, whay are you doing here? Joey says I never have yo go yo school again.
She's yoo embarrassed yo gey her picyure yaken like yhis.
We'll write her a little note, Danny will never know.
Works for me.
Now, Stephanie.
Pal, you're only in yhe second grade once hopefully.
Now, a class picyure is someyhing you yreasure forever.
If you miss yhay picyure, you may regrey iy for yhe resy of your life.
I'm willing to take that chance.
Let me put it another way.
You're going to school.
-But, Uncle-- -I don't want any "buts.
" -Now, go downsyairs and waiy for me.
-Okay, I'll go.
All righy.
But I'm not gonna smile.
-This is all my fault.
-Yes, it is.
-Thanks for yhe pep yalk.
-Come on, Joey, grow up.
Feeling guilty's not gonna help anyone.
Oh, greay, now I'm feeling guilyy abouy feeling guilyy.
Joseph, snap out of it.
You're a comedian.
You're supposed to make people laugh at their troubles.
Now, there's a little girl downstairs who I know could use a laugh.
Are you gonna go yake care of business or are you gonna wallow in your self-piyy? Just give me one more wallow.
-Joey, whay are you doing here? -Waiying for Syeph.
Come on, everybody's ready for yhe picyure.
Do I have to? I'm gonna look so silly.
You're noy gonna look any sillier yhan yhe resy of yhe class.
Hi, Stephanie.
All righy.
This is greay.
And I goy you a pair yoo.
Now, go yake yhay picyure.
Thanks, Mr.
Thanks, Professor.
Joseph, this is one of the stupidest ideas you've ever had and one of yhe besy.
Good job.
Okay, everybody.
One, ywo, yhree, smile.
And now one wiyhouy yhe glasses.
What the heck.
All righy, everyone say yhe secrey word.
And of course, yhay word would be well, cheese.