Full House s04e10 Episode Script

Terror in Tanner Town

COME ON.
BECKY, WE HAVEN'T EVEN SET A DATE FOR THE WEDDING YET, AND YOU GOT ME TRYING ON GOOFY HATS.
BESIDES, THE GUESTS WILL BE DISAPPOINTED.
THEY ARE COMING TO SEE MY HAIR.
WELL, I WOULD LIKE A FORMAL WEDDING AND I THINK A TOP HAT AND TAILS IS VERY ELEGANT.
BUT WE CAN GET AN OBJECTIVE OPINION.
MICHELLE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR UNCLE JESSE? YOU LOOK VERY HANDSOME.
BECKY TELL YOU TO SAY THAT? YES, SHE DID.
AND DID SHE GIVE YOU SOMETHING? YES, SHE DID.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S A BUCK.
TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY THINK.
YOU LOOK LIKE THE CAT IN THE HAT.
I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED DRESSED LIKE A DR.
SEUSS CARTOON.
BESIDES, A FORMAL WEDDING DOESN'T COINCIDE WITH MY WHOLE VIVA LAS VEGAS MOTIF.
WHAT? HEY, IT'S DARK IN HERE.
YOU GOT A FAT HEAD.
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
GIVE ME MY BUCK BACK.
I STILL GOT MY LOLLIPOP.
I STILL GOT MY LOLLIPOP.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
* AHH * * WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PREDICTABILITY * * THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY, EVENING TV * * HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE * * SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE * * THIS OLD WORLD'S * * CONFUSIN' ME * * CLOUDS AS MEAN AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN * * THERE AIN'T A BIRD WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE * * THEN A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU WHISPERS * * KID, DON'T SELL YOUR DREAMS SO SOON * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A HEART, THERE'S A HEART * * A HAND TO HOLD ONTO * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A FACE * * OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE * * AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE * * A LIGHT IS WAITIN' TO CARRY YOU HOME * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * DOOBIE DOO BAH BAH DAH ** IT'S THE DRY CLEANING.
I'LL GET IT.
I'LL GET IT.
I GOT IT.
DRY CLEANING, MR.
TANNER.
JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT-- DRY AND CLEAN.
I GOT THAT MUSTARD STAIN OUT FOR YOU.
YOU'RE AMAZING.
TELL ME HOW.
YOU KNOW HOW.
YEAH, BUT SAY THE WORD.
SAY IT.
MARTINIZING.
OH, YES.
THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHEN JULIO DELIVERED THE CLEANING.
YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE WE FIRST MET.
YOU WALKED INTO MY CLEANING STORE WITH ALL OF YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES SEPARATED IN THE 4 BASIC STAIN GROUPS.
GROUND-IN, CAKED-ON, SOAKED-UP, AND "EW, GROSS.
" I BETTER GET BACK.
I LEFT JULIO RUNNING THE STORE.
CINDY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR SON COME OVER FOR LUNCH SATURDAY? I DON'T KNOW, DANNY.
YOU SEE, RUSTY'S BEEN GOING THROUGH AN AWKWARD STAGE SINCE MY DIVORCE.
YEAH, BUT OUR FAMILIES HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET.
COME ON,IT'LL BE FUN, IT'LL BE LIKE OUR OWN LITTLE BRADY BUNCH THING.
'COURSE, I'M THE ONE WITH THE THREE GIRLS ALL WITH THE HAIR OF GOLD.
OH, BUT THERE'S NO ALICE.
TRUE, BUT WE COULD PUT JOEY IN A MAID'S OUTFIT.
YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE A SHAG HAIRCUT JUST LIKE FLORENCE HENDERSON.
YEAH, WELL NOT THE HAIR DURING THOSE COMMERCIALS, OH NO, BUT THE ONE BEFORE, IT WAS KIND OF A-- YEAH, IT WAS LIKE A SKI CAP, ONLY WITH HAIR.
YEAH.
YEAH.
RIGHT.
SO IT'S SETTLED? SATURDAY AT NOON? OK.
GREAT.
OH, DANNY.
I HAVE BEEN DYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING-- HAIRSPRAY HELPS REMOVE INK STAINS.
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK CLEAN TO ME.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
CINDY AND RUSTY ARE GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
SIZE, PLACES, PLEASE.
LET'S GO.
JESSE, PLEASE STAND UP STRAIGHT.
WHAT IS THIS, A JULIE ANDREWS MOVIE? THEN GO WITH IT, JESS.
* DO, A DEER * * A FEMALE DEER * * RE * * A DROP OF GOLDEN SUN * LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL HAVING FUN, BUT THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.
* MI, A NAME I CALL MYSELF * THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR, I KNOW * FA, A LONG, LONG WAY TO RUN * * SOL, A NEEDLE PULLING THREAD ** [DOORBELL RINGS] THEY'RE HERE.
LOOK, CINDY'S REALLY SPECIAL, AND I REALLY LIKE HER, AND WE REALLY HIT IT OFF.
AND NO PRESSURE, BUT I REALLY WANT TODAY TO BE THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
SO LET HER IN.
RIGHT.
CINDY, RUSTY, YOU MADE IT.
HI.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? ISN'T SHE THE GREATEST? CINDY, RUSTY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE TANNER BUNCH FROM THE TALLEST TO THE SMALLEST.
I'M DANNY.
THIS IS JESSE, JOEY, REBECCA, D.
J.
, STEPHANIE, MICHELLE, AND THAT'S COMET.
MY DADDY LIKES YOU.
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
THANKS.
WHERE'S MY DOLLAR? I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE GETS THIS STUFF.
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON.
CHOW'S ON.
FOLLOW ME.
* MI, A NAME I CALL MYSELF * * FA, A LONG, LONG WAY TO RUN ** I HEARD THE FUNNIEST JOKE YESTERDAY-- A MONKEY WALKS INTO A BARBER SHOP-- OH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE JOKE.
IT ENDS WITH-- "BUT GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY CIGAR.
" IT'S EVEN FUNNIER WITH THE MIDDLE PART.
SO CINDY, DID YOU KNOW THAT JESSE AND REBECCA ARE GETTING MARRIED? OH, REALLY? THAT'S WONDERFUL.
WHEN? WELL, WE HAVEN'T SET A DATE YET, BUT WE DEFINITELY KNOW WHERE.
TENNESSEE.
NEBRASKA.
NEBRASKA? THAT'S WHERE MY FAMILY IS.
WHAT'S IN TENNESSEE? CLEAN AIR, FRIENDLY FOLKS, GRACELAND.
DID YOU JUST COUGH GRACELAND? YEAH.
I'M NOT GOING ALL THE WAY TO GRACELAND TO GET MARRIED IN SOME GUITAR-SHAPED CHAPEL.
IT'S A GUITAR-SHAPED POOL, ALL RIGHT? THE CHAPEL'S A GIANT SIDEBURN.
[BEEPER BEEPS] PARDON ME.
I HAVE TO CALL MY STORE.
SO RUSTY, WHAT ARE YOU INTO, CUB SCOUTS, LITTLE LEAGUE? TO TELL THE TRUTH, MR.
TANNER, I'M KIND OF A-- A LONER.
PASS ME THE SALT, WILL YOU? SURE.
THANKS.
OW! THAT'S FOR UNSCREWING THE SALT SHAKER, MR.
MATURITY.
IT WASN'T ME.
I HAVEN'T PULLED THAT BIT SINCE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
OK.
HIGH SCHOOL.
ALL RIGHT, IT WAS LAST WEEK AT THE SIZZLER.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HIT ME.
I'M REALLY SORRY, YOU GUYS.
THERE'S A PROBLEM DOWN AT THE STORE.
BUT WE SHOULDN'T BE LONG.
COME ON, RUSTY.
MOM, I'M STILL EATING.
WE'LL TAKE IT TO GO.
AW, COME ON, I HARDLY GOT TO KNOW THE LITTLE GUY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO ON AHEAD, AND LET RUSTY HANG OUT HERE WITH US.
ALL RIGHT.
I SHOULDN'T BE LONG.
NOW, RUSTY, YOU BE ON YOUR BEST, BEST, BEST BEHAVIOR.
I'LL BE FINE, MOM.
SEE YOU ALL LATER.
BYE-BYE.
MORE MILK, PLEASE.
MISSING, YOU'RE MISSING, YOU'RE MISSING.
I'LL GO GET A TOWEL.
HOW DID THE TABLECLOTH GET TUCKED IN MY PANTS? I HAVE NEVER PUT ANYTHING DOWN HIS PANTS.
ALL RIGHT.
ONCE, AT THE SIZZLER.
DADDY, IT WASN'T FINISHED.
BOY, YOUR MOM AND MY DAD REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER.
YEAH.
SAY, YOU GIRLS WANT SOME GUM? SURE.
SURE, THANKS.
ALL OF THE ACCIDENTS AT LUNCH WERE REALLY WEIRD TODAY.
OH, THOSE WEREN'T ACCIDENTS.
THE SALT, THE MILK, THE TABLECLOTH, THE GUM-- ALL COMPLIMENTS OF THE RUSTMAN, MASTER OF DISASTER.
YOU MEAN YOU DID ALL THOSE MEAN, HORRIBLE-- DID HE SAY GUM? HE SAID GUM.
AAH! YOU GIRLS BETTER START FLOSSING.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, KID? NO PROBLEM.
MY PHILOSOPHY IS, IF YOU FALL FOR IT, YOU DESERVE IT.
WELL, MY PHILOSOPHY IS, I'M TELLING.
STEPH, WAIT.
DAD REALLY LIKES CINDY.
AND SHE'LL BE BACK ANY MINUTE.
SO LET'S JUST TRY TO BE NICE TO THE LITTLE RAT.
OK.
WANT SOME CHEESE? HEY RUSTY, YOUR MOM JUST CALLED.
SHE'S GONNA BE STUCK AT THE STORE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY AND SHE WANTED ME TO PUT YOU IN A CAB AND SEND YOU DOWN THERE.
AWW.
AWW.
BUT I TOLD HER WE COULDN'T DO IT.
IS IT THE MONEY? I'LL CHIP IN FOR CAB FARE.
TAKE IT OUT OF MY COLLEGE FUND.
THAT'S VERY GENEROUS, GIRLS, BUT I TOLD CINDY WE REALLY WANT RUSTY TO HANG OUT HERE WITH US, RIGHT, GIRLS? I KNEW YOU'D FEEL THAT WAY.
COME ON, RUSTY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OUT IN THE BACK YARD AND PLAY SOME FOOTBALL.
SOUNDS LIKE FUN, MR.
TANNER.
I'LL BE BACK.
YOU KNOW, RUSS? THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THROWING AROUND THE OLD PIG SKIN AND GET THAT GUY-TO-GUY BONDING THING GOING.
OK, I'LL BE JOE MONTANA, YOU BE JERRY RICE.
COULD I BE JOE MONTANA, MR.
TANNER? HE'S ALWAYS BEEN MY IDOL BEFORE I MET YOU.
AH, RUSS.
OK.
ON 2.
READY, SET, HUT-1, HUT-2.
GO DEEP, MR.
TANNER! I'M OPEN, JOE! HERE IT COMES.
YOU CAN GET IT, MR.
TANNER! RUN, RUN! DIVE, DIVE! AAH! [SPLAT] WATCH OUT FOR THAT MUD PUDDLE.
HEH HEH.
TOO BAD.
YOU ALMOST HAD IT.
YOU KNOW, MUD TASTES WORSE THAN IT LOOKS.
YOU MIND IF I HIT THE SHOWERS A LITTLE EARLY? GOOD IDEA, MR.
TANNER.
I'LL GET TO KNOW THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY.
BEAUTIFUL.
THIS IS GREAT.
YOU WANT SOME STUFFY, BORING, FORMAL WEDDING AT A 4-H CLUB IN NEBRASKA.
OH, AND YOU WANT SOME TACKY, ROCK-A-BILLY SOCK HOP AT GRACELAND, THE WORLD'S LARGEST SOUVENIR STAND.
SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, IF THERE'S ONE THING FOR SURE, WHEN THE BAND PLAYS OUR WEDDING SONG, IT HAS GOT TO BE JAILHOUSE ROCK.
YOU WANT THE FIRST WORDS WE DANCE TO AS HUSBAND AND WIFE TO BE, "WARDEN THREW A PARTY IN THE COUNTY JAIL"? PEOPLE WILL CHOKE ON THEIR CHICKEN.
COME ON.
YOU DON'T THROW THE CHICKEN UNTIL WAY AFTER THE WEDDING DANCE.
AW, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
ALL WE DO IS ARG-- DID YOU SAY CHICKEN? YEAH, YEAH I DID.
ME, TOO.
WE FINALLY AGREE ON SOMETHING.
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS A START.
WE'RE BUILDING HERE.
WE HAVE A FOUNDATION TO BUILD OUR LIFE ON.
CHICKEN.
CHICKEN.
BECKY.
TONGUE-TOWN, USA! RUSTY, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING WITH DANNY? THIS IS WHERE THE ACTION IS.
HEY, HEY, HEY, DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR ACCOUTERMENTS, PLEASE.
HERE.
SIT HERE AND DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
I'M TOUCHING THE DRESSER.
"I'M TOUCH--"! OK.
LISTEN.
I'M HIP TO YOU, WISE GUY.
I KNOW YOU PULLED ALL THOSE STUNTS AT LUNCH.
SINCE DANNY LIKES YOUR MOTHER SO MUCH, I'M LETTING YOU SLIDE.
FROM NOW ON, YOU RESPECT PEOPLE AND THEIR PROPERTY.
CAPISCE? CAPISCE.
THANKS FOR SETTING ME STRAIGHT, MR.
KATSOPOLIS.
YOU'RE TOUGH, BUT YOU'RE FAIR.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.
HAVE A GOOD DAY, SON.
DID YOU SEE THAT? THAT'S HOW YOU GOTTA HANDLE KIDS LIKE RUSTY.
BA-DA-BOOM.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? GIVE 'EM A LITTLE DISCIPLINE.
THEY'RE LIKE DOGS.
THEY RESPECT YOU FOR IT.
OR THEY LOCK YOU IN YOUR ROOM.
RUSTY! RUSTY! RUSTY! RUSTY! RUSTY! HEY RUSTY, WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN TO MY NECK OF THE HOUSE? I WAS JUST ADMIRING YOUR EQUIPMENT, MR.
GLADSTONE.
WELL, I'M PUTTING TOGETHER A TAPE OF MY COMEDY ACT.
I SPECIALIZE IN SOME PRETTY DARN OBSCURE IMPRESSIONS.
CHECK THIS OUT.
THIS ONE IS MR.
WOODCHUCK.
"HEY, RUSTY.
SAY, IS THAT TABLE MADE OF WOOD?" ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
CHECK THIS ONE OUT.
THIS ONE'S GREAT.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
BOB HOPE.
"HEY, I WANNA TELL YOU, THAT'S WILD, AIN'T IT, RUSTY? ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?" THIS IS AN IMPRESSION OF MR.
WOODCHUCK DOING AN IMPRESSION OF BOB HOPE.
HERE WE GO.
"HEY, THAT'S WILD, HUH? YEAH, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING, RUSTY? HUH?" I GOT PLENTY OF OTHER STUFF ON THIS COMEDY TAPE.
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR WEEKS.
THIS IS SOME OF MY CLASSIC, ALL-TIME FUNNIEST MOMENTS, SO GET READY TO WATCH JOEY GLADSTONE-- TALK TO HIMSELF.
HI.
I'M JOEY GLADSTONE.
AND WELL, I'VE PUT SOME OF MY FUNNIEST MOMENTS ON THIS HERE T-- THIS IS RUSTYVISION.
HA HA! RUSTY! WHY DO WE HAVE TO WASH COMET? IT'S SO MESSY, AND HE SHAKES WATER ALL OVE-- WOULD YOU RATHER PLAY WITH RUSTY? COMET, BATH TIME.
LET'S GO, BOY.
HEY, GIRLS.
I HEARD YOU WERE TIED UP FOR A WHILE.
ANYBODY WANNA LOOK AT MY KALEIDOSCOPE? WE'RE NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE TRICKS.
EXCUSE US, BUT WE'RE GIVING OUR DOG A BATH.
CARE TO JOIN HIM? WE HAVE PLENTY OF FLEA POWDER.
GOOD ONE.
YEAH.
GOOD ONE.
BUT THE RUSTMAN LAUGHS LAST.
HEY, THAT'S OUR DINNER.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M JUST BORROWING IT.
OH, PRETTY.
HEY, THAT KALEIDOSCOPE IS NOT FOR YOU.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY? SORRY, KID.
I GUESS I BETTER SHOW YOU.
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER.
STORY OF MY LIFE.
NOW, YOU BETTER MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.
COMET! COME AND GET IT, BOY! POT ROAST! NO, COMET! STAY IN THE TUB! RUSTY! RUSTY! COME BACK! MICHELLE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE? IT'S RUSTY'S KALEIDOSCOPE.
WHICH WAY DID THEY GO? THEY WENT THAT WAY! GET 'EM! RUSTY! RUSTY! WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY IS THERE A SOAPY DOG EATING RUMP ROAST ON MY COUCH? TAKE A WILD GUESS.
RUSTY! RUSTY! THAT KID IS BAD NEWS.
MICHELLE, DID RUSTY DO THAT TO YOUR EYE? WITH HIS KALEIDOSCOPE.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE LITTLE RUSTY.
DAD, WAKE UP.
HE'S THE DEVIL BOY.
I--I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID THIS.
DANNY, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, WAS LITTLE RUSTY IN THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU TOOK A SHOWER? YEAH.
WHY DO YOU ASK? RUSTY! WELL, MY WORK HERE IS DONE.
IT'S BEEN A BLAST, TANNERS.
HOLD IT.
COME HERE, YOU.
NO, JESS.
HE'S MINE.
I'LL HANDLE THIS, EVERYBODY.
BOOK 'EM, DANO.
BE CAREFUL, DADDY.
HE'S VERY TRICKY.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK GOOD IN GREEN.
PRANKS ARE ONE THING.
BUT WHEN YOU MESS WITH A MAN'S SHAMPOO, YOU'RE MESSING WITH THE MAN.
IT WASHES RIGHT OUT.
RUSTY, I DON'T GET THIS.
I REALLY WANTED US TO BE FRIENDS.
YOU DON'T WANNA BE MY FRIEND.
YOU WANNA BE MY MOM'S FRIEND.
WELL, I DO LIKE YOUR MOM VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, 'CAUSE SOMEDAY MY MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER.
OH THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
LOOK, RUSTY I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
MY PARENTS ARE DIVORCED, TOO.
IT HURTS THAT THEY'RE NOT TOGETHER.
BUT YOU CAN'T WRECK EVERY RELATIONSHIP THAT YOUR MOM TRIES TO MAKE.
YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
[DOORBELL RINGS] THAT MUST BE YOUR MOM.
GO AHEAD.
TELL ON ME.
HI, CINDY.
HOW'S EVERYTHING AT WORK? OH, FINE.
HOW'S EVERYTHING HERE? OH, COULDN'T BE BETTER.
RUSTY'S A GREAT KID.
I AM? WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
RIGHT, RUSTY? YEAH.
SURE.
REALLY? HE WAS GOOD? OH, IT WAS WONDERFUL, WE DID A LOT OF STUFF, WE TOSSED FOOTBALL, WE PLAYED WITH THE DOG YOU DYED YOUR HAIR GREEN? OH, YOU NOTICED.
WELL, I-- I STARTED USING IRISH FORMULA.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE WORKED IN GRADUALLY, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE EACH DAY.
DANNY, I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DID THIS.
I SEARCHED HIM BEFORE HE LEFT THE HOUSE.
YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A TALK LATER, YOUNG MAN.
I AM REALLY SORRY, DANNY.
[SIGHS] YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN.
CINDY, IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT MORE THAN A GREEN HEAD TO RUIN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
OF COURSE I WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN.
AND I WANNA SEE RUSTY, TOO.
IS THAT OK WITH YOU, RUSTY? THAT'LL BE COOL, AND I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE OK, MR.
TANNER.
HEY, CALL ME DANNY.
YOU'RE A REAL TOUCHY-FEELY SORT OF GUY, AREN'T YOU, DANNY? YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
DIG IN, RUSTY.
YEAH, GO AHEAD.
DRINK YOUR ICE- CREAM SODA.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I AIN'T THE MASTER OF DISASTER FOR NOTHING.
WHAT DID YOU PUT IN IT? DOG FOOD? HE'S TOO SMART FOR US, STEPH.
I'LL JUST MAKE MY OWN ICE CREAM SODA.
WHERE ARE THE GLASSES? IN THAT CUPBOARD.
AAH! HEY! AAH! HEY! GOTCHA, DUDE.
PRETTY GOOD TRICK, GIRLS.
OF COURSE YOU KNOW, THIS MEANS WAR.
ANY TIME, RUSTY.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL