Full House s05e06 Episode Script

The Legend of Ranger Joe

You are welcome to play with my old tap shoes.
But keep in mind, tap dancing is a skill that requires grace and rhythm.
I got grace and rhythm.
How was that? Well, we know the taps work.
Okay, now watch your big sister and see how it is done.
[SINGING "TEA FOR TWO"] [SINGING] Tea for two And two for tea Me for you And you for me [SINGING IN UNISON] Tea for two And two for tea [HUMMING] And that is how it is done.
[SINGING] Tea for two And two for tea Very good, Michelle.
For tea And tea for two And two for tea And tea for two What have I done? Deej, I sure hope the twins are a boy and a girl because I picked out the perfect names.
Elvis and Priscilla.
Well, what if they're two girls? Well, then I'll name them Priscilla and Elvisa.
So if you get two boys you're gonna name them Elvis and Priscillo? See, I didn't think about-- No, that's good.
See, I gotta think this through.
It's so important what you name your kid because it can determine the whole personality.
You think I'd have cool hair and a great band if my name was Marvin? Marvin and the Rippers? I don't think so.
Why are you so obsessed over this name thing? Well, I don't want my kids going through what I.
Never mind.
Never mind what? Never mind.
Okay, you have a secret.
I'll just go digging through your past until I.
Till you what? Never mind.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, Jess.
Hey, Joe.
You look good.
How'd your act go over at the club last night? I bombed.
Those foreign tourist groups are tough crowds.
I had to keep waiting for the interpreter to translate my Bullwinkle.
[IMITATING BULLWINKLE] Thank you, good evening.
[IMITATING TRANSLATOR] My life's going nowhere.
Oh, come on, what happened to the happy-go-lucky grinning Joey we all know and love? He's gone forever, man.
Jess, no matter what I do, I can't catch a break.
Come on, today's a brand-new day.
Yeah, until I read my bad review in the paper.
Well, no paper today.
There's a paper strike.
[PHONE RINGING] See that? Your luck's already changing.
Talk to me.
Joey, it's KFLX Radio.
No, I don't know how much Deputy Dawg weighs.
- What am I, an idiot? - Don't hang up! Hello.
Without his gun and badge, Deputy Dawg weighs exactly 43 pounds.
Really? I just won two tickets to the Donny and Marie reunion.
My name's Joey Gladstone.
I'll be by to pick the tickets up this afternoon.
No, thank you.
Oh, wait, I almost forgot.
I gotta wait for the cable guy.
He's supposed to be here between 9 and 6.
[KNOCKING] No way, I'm not that lucky.
Hi, I'm Linda from Hilltop Cable.
You're the cable guy? Hold on, don't move.
Come right in, the TV's in the living room.
- You're Joey Gladstone, aren't you? - Uh-huh.
I've seen your act.
You are very funny.
You must have seen it in English.
TV, living room.
Jess, I think she likes me.
How do I look? Well, you got the Hugh Hefner robe thing happening, that's a plus.
But I'd buff up the Ninja Turtle slippers.
I already buffed them once, but I'll buff them again.
Well, everything seems to be okay now.
I put a booster on your cable out back.
Oh, thanks.
Wow, we never got the Truck- and Tractor-Pull Network before.
Let's just say that's our little secret.
Oh, thanks, Linda.
You know, this is really turning out to be a great day.
Oh, not for me.
I just tried to get Donny and Marie tickets but they're sold out.
That's amazing.
I just won two front-row seats.
You wanna go? Sounds great.
Here's my number.
- Call me later? - Absolutely.
Oh, I love your slippers.
I'll wear them tonight.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
Jess, I got the date.
I'm on the roll of a lifetime.
See that? That extra buffing paid off.
- Let's watch Wake Up, San Francisco.
- Oh, okay.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] Hi, we're back with a special guest who works right here at Channel 8.
I grew up watching this man.
He was like a father figure to me.
Not that I didn't have a great father.
Although my dad did wear socks with his sandals, which got kind of cheesy-- Danny.
Danny, we're only a half-hour show.
Here he is.
The host of San Francisco's favorite cartoon kiddie show, Ranger Roy.
Howdy ho, junior rangers.
- Howdy ho, Ranger Roy.
- Howdy ho, Ranger Roy.
I used to love this guy.
I used to watch him every day when I was a kid.
Now everyone give themselves an official Ranger Roy bear hug! [GROWLING] You got that date just in time.
And now I have an announcement to make to all your viewers.
After 30 years in the Enchanted Forest me and my buddy, Merle the Squirrel, are retiring.
- Right, Merle? - Right, Roy.
We're packing up our nuts and moving to Florida to an enchanted condo.
Don't worry, junior rangers.
I'll be choosing a new ranger to carry on the cartoon fun.
I'd be perfect for that job.
You know, my best friend Joey would be perfect for that job.
I'm interviewing today.
Bring him on down.
DANNY: I can't wait to tell him-- - Jess, this is a dream come true.
I can't believe it.
It's my lucky day.
If you want your luck to last, let go.
[SINGING] Tea for two And two for tea Tea for two And two for tea You're not watching.
Michelle, I watched all the way to school.
I watched during school.
I watched all the way home from school.
I watched, and I watched, and I watched.
Good, now watch this.
Tea for two And two for tea Tea for two And two for tea Tea for two And two for tea Tea for two And two for tea Hey, girls, I'd like you to meet a very special friend of mine.
Say hello to Mr.
Hi, girls.
Hello, Mr.
Say, I'm very hungry.
Is that tap board made of wood? Mr.
Woodchuck's gonna audition with me today at the Ranger Roy Show.
And I know I'm gonna get it because today is my lucky day.
Now, if I could just remember where I put my car keys.
A $20 bill, this is my lucky day.
Can you believe that? Huh? My lost Binaca.
I can't miss.
- Wanna see something amazing? - Sure.
[SINGING] Tea for two And two for tea Tea for two And two for tea Tea for two And two for tea Thanks for meeting my friend Joey.
- Good luck today.
- Tanner, I never shake hands.
Oh, of course, you invented the Ranger Roy bear hug.
- Lay one on me.
- Get away from me.
What's the matter? Well, now that I'm retiring, I can tell you the truth.
I suffer from acute physical paranoia.
Anyone touches me, I hyperventilate and break out in hives.
That's why I started that whole "hug yourself" thing.
Howdy ho, Ranger Roy.
Oh, this is the comedy genius I was telling you about, Joey Gladstone.
- Pleasure to meet you, sir.
- Good luck, Joey.
You can't touch him.
Well, nobody can touch him, he's a living legend.
But if anybody's gonna fill his hiking shoes, it might as well be me.
Ranger Roy, here.
Check this out, sir.
Uh, Mr.
Woodchuck, Merle the Squirrel lives here in the enchanted tree house.
How would you like living there? Well, I have been looking to branch out.
What else have you got? Well, basically, sir, I do every cartoon voice known to man.
[IMITATING POPEYE] Well, blow me down.
[CHUCKLING] [IMITATING BUGS BUNNY] Eh, what's up, doc? [IMITATING YOSEMITE SAM] Oh, I hate that rabbit.
SPACELY] Jetson, get in here.
[IMITATING ASTRO] I'm sorry, George.
Gladstone, you're the man I've been looking for.
- Really? I got the job? - Mm.
Oh, thank you, Ranger Roy, sir, Your Highness, Your Woodsiness.
I love you.
- Stop hugging him, Joey.
- You don't know what this means to me.
I'm just as choked up about this as you are.
Just let-- Let go of the man.
Thank you so much for the job.
I gotta call my agent.
This is the luckiest day of my life! Forgive Joey.
He didn't know what he was doing.
You made a real smart move by hiring him.
[GASPING] He's fired.
- Come on, go, baby, go! - Go, go, go! - Pull it, pull it, go, go! - Go, go! - Yes! - Yes! Boy, how did we ever live without the Truck- and Tractor-Pull Channel? Somebody took my tap shoes.
Does that finger in my face mean you think it's me? Duh.
Steph, what do you know about this? Well, I know I'm just as sad about this tap-shoe tragedy as she is.
Oh, please.
Howdy ho, junior rangers.
Guess who is the new Ranger Roy! - All right! - Joey, you got the job.
You guys, talk about a lucky day.
First a newspaper strike saved me from a bad review.
Then I won tickets to Donny and Marie.
Then a beautiful woman came over and fixed our cable and she's going out with me tonight.
I'd pinch myself, but I'd probably just strike oil.
[LAUGHING] You guys are gonna love this.
I found out why Uncle Jesse is so obsessed with finding cool names for the twins.
I called Grandma, and she said that Uncle Jesse's real name is Hermes.
[IN UNISON] Hermes? I married a Hermes? I got a Uncle Hermes? Yep.
He was teased so much in kindergarten that he begged Grandma to change it to Jesse.
Hey, those are my tap shoes.
Drop them.
You guys see what Comet dug up? Well, you know how dogs like to bury things.
In a plastic bag? Stephanie Tanner, you should be ashamed of yourself.
All right, I did it.
And I'm glad.
All day long it's been: "Tea for two," tap, tap, tap.
"Tea for two," tap, tap.
I couldn't take it anymore! It was either get rid of those tap shoes or lose my mind.
"Tea for two," tap, tap, tap.
"Tea for two," tap, tap.
Thank you for finding my shoes, Uncle Hermes.
You're welcome.
What did you call me? Uncle Hermes.
That's your name.
Who told you my name was Hermes? - Grandma.
- She's lying.
It's Hermes.
Hermes is not only the Greek god of swiftness but it's also my great-grandfather's name.
I'll have you know he saved the whole town from destruction when he raced a river of lava down a mountain barefoot.
All right? He went to tell the whole town that the volcano erupted.
No one was left in the town because who could miss a volcano erupting? The point I'm trying to make is the name Hermes is equated with strength, courage and very hot feet.
So now, who among you will make fun of a name so bold and so courageous as Hermes, huh? I'm sorry, honey.
We didn't realize the name meant so much to you.
Did you want me to call you Uncle Hermes? No, what am I, some kind of geek? Come here.
[LAUGHING] Joey, I gotta talk to you about something.
I know, the newspaper strike's over and I got a bad review.
But who cares? I'm gonna be Ranger Joe.
- They can't touch me.
- Joey, listen-- [PHONE RINGING] Oh, hold on, one second.
Hello? Uh-huh.
Well, I'll be down right away to pick up the tickets.
Oh, no.
My fourth cousin's a janitor at KFLX.
All family members are disqualified from winning the Donny and Marie tickets.
Well, sure, I'll take a KFLX sweatband.
Boy, of all the rotten luck.
Yeah, speaking of rotten luck-- [KNOCKING] Just a second.
- Oh, hi, Linda.
- Joey, bad news.
Oh, no.
They're taking away my Truck- and Tractor-Pull Network, aren't they? Worse.
The whole cable's out.
But we're still on for that concert, right? Well, it turns out I don't have those tickets after all.
That is so typical.
You were just using me.
No, I wasn't.
I swear.
You want a KFLX sweatband? Sure, where is it? I don't have it right now.
Oh, there's a shock.
Boy, if this wasn't my lucky day, I'd be a little blue right now.
Joey, sit down, carefully.
Look, um I think Ranger Roy is having second thoughts about giving you the job.
Why? What did he say? - He said you were fired.
- What are you talking about? He loved me so much he was speechless.
That's because he couldn't breathe.
He has a condition known as acute physical paranoia.
Oh, no.
I was on him like a piranha on a pork chop.
Oh, my God.
I have to stop that thank-you telegram I sent him.
How could a telegram hurt? - Danny, it's a Hug-O-Gram.
- A what? A guy dressed in a bear suit who hands you balloons and gives you a great big bear hug.
I even paid extra for the tummy rub.
I'm no expert, but I'd say your lucky streak is over.
Maybe not.
Maybe I can still get a second shot at that job.
I gotta stop that bear.
STAGE MANAGER: We're on in one minute.
BEAR: Ranger Roy? For me? BEAR: And a Hug-O-Gram from Joey Gladstone.
No, stop that bear! Get off him, it's a mistake.
Get off him.
The man can't stand to be touched.
BEAR: Hey, buddy! - Sorry about this.
I still owe you for the tummy rub.
BEAR: Yeah, you do.
Ranger Roy.
I guess you got your bear hug, huh? Kids, why don't you go find a stump? We're on in 15 seconds.
- Tanner, cover for him.
- Me? Here, here.
Take Merle! I don't know anything about puppets.
Except if you machine-wash, their eyes come off.
That's good enough.
You're on.
In five, four, three, two.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] Ranger Roy, Ranger Roy Loved by every girl and boy He's Ranger Roy Howdy ho, junior rangers.
Howdy ho, Daddy.
Where's Ranger Roy? He's taking a little breather.
It doesn't matter, because I'm here.
I'm Ranger Dan.
If you're a ranger, where's your uniform? Oh, well, that's a very good question.
And here's the answer.
He's an undercover ranger.
Hey, thank you, Earl.
It's Merle.
He's funny.
Okay, you know what? It's time to meet my deputy ranger.
Come on over here, and, everybody, let's say, "Howdy ho, Ranger Joe.
" No, thank you, Ranger Dan.
What Ranger Joe doesn't realize is this could be his big chance to be somebody.
Forget it.
My luck's run out.
Ah, there's a good lesson to be learned, boys and girls.
You make your own luck in this crazy, mixed-up world.
Sit down, buddy.
Kids, let's all give a big "howdy ho" to Ranger Joe.
KIDS: Howdy ho, Ranger Joe! Go get them, buddy.
Howdy ho, junior rangers.
[CHUCKLING] Junior rangers, what do you say we say hello to the hippest, coolest critter in the forest, Mr.
[KIDS CHEERING] Thank you, Ranger Joe.
Thank you, kids.
So how do you like living here in the Enchanted Forest? Well, it looks delicious.
I've never seen so much wood.
[CHUCKLING] It kind of reminds me of where I'm from.
Hey, kids, how would you like to hear a Mr.
Woodchuck joke? Yeah! - Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Isador.
- Isador who? Isador made of wood? [LAUGHING] Howdy ho, junior rangers.
Howdy ho, Ranger Roy! Well, junior rangers, it looks like Ranger Roy's back in the Enchanted Forest.
So I'll just take a hike to the Enchanted Unemployment Office.
Not so fast.
I have an announcement.
This show is the last one for Merle and me.
KIDS: Aww.
But the good news is, Ranger Joe is taking over.
Yeah! Shucks, golly, you really mean it, Ranger Roy? The smiles on these faces show me that I've made the right choice.
So here's your official ranger hat.
Wow, it fits and everything.
This is the luckiest day of my life.
Okay, kids.
Now let's give Ranger Joe a great big bear hug.
[KIDS GROWLING] Okay, kids, cut it out.