Full House s05e07 Episode Script

The Volunteer

JESSE: Good morning.
- Hey, good morning.
- Good morning.
- You guys missed breakfast.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was up all night with this belly.
Did you guys ever try to sleep with a watermelon in your pajamas? Yeah, once.
Yeah, it was a pretty rough night for me too.
What are you talking about? You were sleeping like a baby, all cuddled up with your blankie.
You have a blankie? How adorable.
It's not a blankie, it's a blanket.
All right, it's Mr.
Blanket.
Beck, look, I'm sorry you can't sleep.
I feel bad for you.
I mean, I wish I could carry those twins for you.
Oh, gee, Jess, you're really going out on a limb there.
No, I mean it, I would like to know how it feels to be pregnant.
Good.
I'll arrange it.
What does she mean by, "Good, I'll arrange it"? I don't know, but medical science is doing some pretty darn amazing things nowadays.
Becky, wait up! Hey, Dad, don't forget I'm gonna be home late after school today.
I'm meeting Eddie Johnson, my adopted grandparent, at the nursing home.
I'm really proud of you, Deej.
Volunteering to spend some of your free time visiting a senior citizen, it's great.
Well, I'm kind of nervous about meeting Eddie.
I mean, what am I gonna talk to him about? He's 75 years old.
Well, you talk to him about his life.
He's been through the Great Depression two world wars, five Stooges.
Ask him how he felt the first time he saw Curly use that eye-gouge deflector.
[IMITATING THE THREE STOOGES] Oh, why you-- Thanks, you've been a big help.
Come on, Deej.
Eddie's gonna like you a lot.
You're a terrific girl, and you're doing a wonderful thing.
You make me realize that there's a lot of hope for the younger generation.
Hey, Deej, guess how many corn dogs I can fit in my mouth.
Six.
Eight if I remove the sticks.
Then again, "hope" might be too strong a word.
- Have a good day.
- Bye, Dad.
Bye, Joey.
JOEY: Bye, girls.
Okay, ready to jump, Comet? One, two-- Time-out.
Why can't Comet jump over you? Because I'm the trainer, and you're the thing he jumps over.
Okay, just asking.
Okay, ready, Comet? One, two, three, jump! If you wanna see tricks, you should see my dog, Coco.
Drinking from the toilet is not a trick.
It is when she does it through a straw.
- Coco's the smartest dog on the block.
- Oh, yeah? Why don't we invite all the dogs on the block to come over after school to do their best trick? Then we'll see whose dog is the smartest.
Well, you're on.
I know Coco's smarter than Comet.
Kimmy, you're not even smarter than Comet.
Okay, old-timer, what's the name of this game? - Gin.
- That's the name.
That's $24,000 you owe me.
[LAUGHING] Just put it on account.
Yeah, on account of you got no money.
NURSE: Eddie, you have a visitor.
Hi, Mr.
Johnson, I'm D.
J.
Tanner from the Adopt-A-Grandparent program.
I'm here to visit you.
Well, say, yeah, I got a little time before Love Connection starts.
Check her in.
Start visiting.
So, Eddie.
So, D.
J.
What was the Great Depression like? How does it sound? Depressing? Good answer.
[LAUGHING] Yeah.
Well, you know, you smile just like my little girl, Gloria.
- Really? - Yeah.
She's all grown up now, living in Florida.
I haven't seen her since.
Hey, wait a minute, what are we doing here? We're supposed to be having fun.
You know how to play bumper pool? - No.
- Me neither.
Grab yourself a cue over there.
We'll learn together.
Comet, you remember what to do? Michelle, do you remember what to do? Duh.
Okay, ready to jump, Comet? Jump.
[IMITATING SCOOBY-DOO] Way to go, Comet.
Good boy.
Good dog, Comet.
Here's your treat.
Good girl, Michelle.
Here's your treat.
Hey, this is a liver snap.
Oh, sorry, I gave Comet your cookie.
What a rip-off.
BECKY: Jess, come on.
Come on.
You said you wanted to know what it was like to be pregnant.
Now, get down here.
[LAUGHING] You done? Not yet.
Okay, now I'm done.
I'm not wearing this thing.
It's gotta weigh 25 pounds.
Wait a minute, so does this thing.
I went through a lot of trouble to get that sympathy pad from my childbirth coach.
If you really wanted to know what I was going through you would wear it for more than five minutes.
Unless, of course you're not man enough to be pregnant.
I'm as much man as you are.
Oh, yeah? Fine.
I'll make you a little bet.
Since we've been arguing over wallpaper for the nursery I'll bet you that you can't last one day in that pad.
And if I win, I get to put up my choice.
Fun at the circus.
Yeah, and when I win, we'll put up my choice.
Elvis the wallpaper.
You know, Jess, you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk? Yes, Eddie, that is three games in a row.
Okay, okay, so that's $24,000 I owe you.
Get it from him.
Eddie, I'll see you next week.
I have to get home.
My sisters are having this dog show.
I promised I'd be the judge.
Oh, boy, would I love to go to a dog show.
I mean, a man who loves dogs as much as me that would just about make my day.
Would you like to go to the dog show? Oh, if you insist.
Well, great.
Do we need to get permission for you to leave? What do you think? I gotta ask just to get out of this door? I've done whatever I want all my life except for those 41 years I was married.
- Well, great, let's go.
- Okay-- Let me just tell my friend I'm stepping out.
D.
J.
: Okay.
Hey, I'm getting out of here, you old goat.
I'm going to a dog show.
That little girl isn't allowed to take you out of here.
What if you have one of your spells out there? I'm not gonna have any of my spells.
Now, just here.
Take-- Hold on to this candy bar.
I'm not allowed to eat candy.
I know that.
Just hold on to it.
Uh, nurse, Ferguson is over there trying to sneak a candy bar.
- Go on over there and nail him.
- Mr.
Ferguson.
- Shall we? - I'd be delighted.
Follow me, Eddie.
The dog show's in the backyard.
Eddie, this is my Uncle Jesse.
How you doing, Eddie? Oh, boy, a pregnant man.
I gotta get out more often.
No, see, Eddie, I'm not really pregnant.
See, I'm-- I had this bet with my pregnant wife and she bet I can't wear this for 24 hours.
Let me tell you, it's been two hours and I feel great.
Of course, my back hurts, my ankles are beginning to swell and I think I'm retaining water.
[LAUGHING] Oh, good, Deej, you're here.
We're ready to start the dog show.
- Eddie, this is Joey.
- Hi.
Well, Joey, what branch of the service are you in? Actually, I'm Ranger Joe from the Enchanted Forest.
Hey, let's just get going, huh? You do have that special glow.
Hey, Eddie, you can help me judge the dog show.
Eddie, are you coming? What? Oh, yeah.
Come on, Gloria.
You gotta hurry.
You're gonna be late for school.
- What are you talking about? - Huh? Well, you just called me Gloria.
I'm D.
J.
Hey, yeah, I know who you are.
Come on, D.
J.
, we gotta get to that dog show.
JESSE: Hi.
- Hey.
Well, I picked up first prize for the dog show.
A pooper-scooper.
- So how's your bet with Becky coming? - It's going good.
I'm gonna take this off for a while because my back is killing me.
Yeah, but, Jess, that would be cheating.
Don't be such a goody-goody.
I'm not cheating because of me.
It's for guys across the country who shoot off their mouths and suffer for it.
Here, you watch the kitchen door.
I'll watch the front door.
Gotcha.
[GROANS] You know, I know us men are cheated out of experiencing the miracle of birth but who cares.
I bet I could take the weights out of that and put feathers in and Becky would never know the difference.
My neck is killing me.
Thanks, Danny.
Oh, could you get my back? Hey, who's watching the kitchen door? I am.
- Then who's? - Take a wild guess.
Oh! Hi, Beck.
Thanks a lot.
She didn't come through my door.
Beck, I'm sorry, I was just taking a break.
Look, I'm strapping this puppy right back on.
No, no, no.
That's not how it works, buddy boy.
I can't unstrap this puppy.
You lost.
I get to pick the wallpaper.
Fun at the circus.
That nursery is gonna be full of clowns, all laughing at you.
All right, all right, you win.
I admit it, you babes are pretty tough to carry that around for nine months.
Oh, well, I know I complain sometimes, but the truth is it's worth it.
Carrying our twins has been the most wonderful experience of my life.
You're incredible.
How does a total body massage sound? Oh, like heaven.
Good, because I could really use one.
[CROWD CLAPPING] Okay, guys, when we win first place there'll be something extra in each of your bowls.
It better not be dog food.
Okay, next up, you've seen him at all the local fire hydrants.
You've even chased him off your own lawn.
Now, here he is in person.
Give it up for Sparky! [SPARKY BARKING] Thanks, Ranger Joe.
Sparky will now do his funny walk.
CHILDREN: Yay.
I give him four stars.
That little wiener Sparky's gonna be tough to beat.
I wonder why Kimmy didn't show up with Coco.
Because her dog's a chicken.
Hey, I made a joke.
[LAUGHING] Okay, now it's time for our last contestant.
He's a Pisces.
He loves windsurfing and rubber pork chops.
Please say hello to the amazing Comet! And the amazing thing he jumps over.
[COMET BARKING] And now, Comet will fly through the air, over my little sister and land on the other side.
Okay, on your mark.
- Get set-- KIMMY: Sorry I'm late.
We've gotta do this fast.
I've gotta get Coco back in my mother's lap before she wakes up.
Okay, Comet, go! Come on, Comet.
Do your stuff.
Comet, like this.
Oh, that was an excellent jump, sweetheart.
I did my job.
Where's my cookie? And now, for your listening pleasure Coco Gibbler will accompany me in "Polly Wolly Doodle All the Day.
" [SINGING] Oh, I went down South For to see my Sal Take it, Coco.
I think Comet and Coco are in love.
If they get married, that would make us in-laws.
Comet, think about this.
Sure, she's all fluffed up and groomed now but how's she gonna look in the morning? Okay, the decision of the judges is unanimous.
Eddie? And the winner is the dog with the funny walk, Sparky.
TEDDY: We won! We won! All right, young man here is your prize.
A pooper-scooper? Haven't you ever heard of a trophy? DANNY: Why don't I show you how good that pooper-scooper works? Teddy, why don't you give it a try over here.
Hi, I'm Nurse Thomas from the Golden Gate Nursing Home.
Um, D.
J.
, Eddie was not allowed to leave the home without being signed out by a family member.
He never told me that.
Where is Eddie? He was here a minute ago.
He's probably in the house.
Is Eddie okay? I'm afraid not.
Come on.
Eddie? Here you are.
You cleaned up your room real nice, Gloria.
Gloria? You're doing it again.
Now, you be nice or I'm not gonna let you watch Howdy Doody.
Howdy Doody? That was on before I was born.
Eddie, why are you doing this? Doing what? You just called me Gloria and said I couldn't watch Howdy Doody.
I did? I was just playing around, D.
J.
Eddie, there's a nurse here looking for you and I think we're both in trouble.
Why didn't you tell me you weren't supposed to leave? So I snuck out and had a good time.
Now, what's the big deal? The big deal is you're not allowed out without permission.
Come on, D.
J.
, you worry too much.
Everything's fine.
Everything's not fine.
I wanna be your friend, but friends need to tell each other the truth.
You want the truth? Most of the time, I'm fine but every now and then, they say that my mind sort of drifts off.
But I always find my way back.
Are you gonna be all right? Hey, come on, Eddie Johnson's a fighter.
He's in here.
Eddie, not good.
Don't shoot.
I'll go peacefully.
Hey, I'm really sorry if I caused you all this trouble.
And if you don't come to visit me anymore I'll understand.
But I gotta tell you this has been one of the best days I've had in a long time.
I had a great time too.
Okay, let's go back.
Bye.
Dad I was talking to Eddie and he didn't know who I was.
Well, sweetheart, the nurse told me that Eddie is showing the early signs of Alzheimer's disease.
It affects his memory and sometimes he doesn't know where he is or what he's doing.
Is he gonna get better? Well, the truth is if he has Alzheimer's he's gonna get worse.
And there's no cure? Not yet.
I can't believe this.
I really liked Eddie.
What am I supposed to do? Just keep going back there and watch him get worse and worse? I know, I know.
This is not an easy thing to do.
Why did I become a volunteer? Why did you? Well, because I wanted to help people.
Well, I think you know the best way to help somebody is by being their friend.
Did you see Eddie at the dog show laughing today? He just said today was one of the best days he's had in a long time.
That's all thanks to you, Deej.
You can do a lot for him just by brightening up his day and giving him someone to look forward to.
I'll be right back, Dad.
We gotta start taking field trips to this house.
In one afternoon, I saw a dog show a man in a ranger suit and a pregnant man.
Eddie, you need a nap.
Eddie, wait.
Um, I wanted to ask you something.
Would you stay for dinner with me and my family? Actually, we'd love to have you both.
Well, I need to get back to work but Eddie can stay if he wants.
I couldn't impose.
But just out of curiosity, what are you having? - Lasagna.
- I'll impose for lasagna.
Bye.
Behave.
- Bye-bye.
D.
J.
: Bye.
Would you like to help me set the table? I'd be delighted.