Full House s05e09 Episode Script

Happy Birthday, Babies (1)

[SINGING] Happy birthday to me Happy birthday to me Where is everybody? Right here.
Happy birthday to me Is there something you'd like to say to me? We said happy birthday to you at breakfast and everywhere else we saw you today.
But I'm 5 years old.
This is a very big day.
- Happy birthday, Michelle.
- Happy birthday, Michelle.
Don't say it if you don't mean it.
- Happy birthday, Michelle! - Happy birthday, Michelle! Why, thank you.
- Is it time for my party yet? - Nope.
You still have two hours and 29 minutes to go.
How long is that? Two Sesame Streets and a Mister Rogers.
I'll never make it.
[JESSE CHUCKLES] - Oh.
- Let's start the party now.
Michelle, your little friends aren't here yet.
Who needs them? We got cake, we got balloons, let's do it.
I know what we can do until then.
Why don't we take your official picture for your baby book? Jess, grab the book.
Joey, set up the shot.
I'll grab the camera.
This is gonna be the best picture I ever took.
All right.
Okay, now give me a big 5-year-old smile.
Not you.
The other 5-year-old.
MICHELLE: Cheese! JESSE: All right, Michelle.
This has everything in your entire life, starting from the day you were born.
Look, Michelle, here's your birth announcement.
And there's your hospital bracelet.
MICHELLE: What's this? This is your very first tube of diaper-rash cream.
I used to rub it on your little tushy.
Dad.
Sorry.
All right, this is the picture I took the day Joey and I moved in.
Remember the first time we tried to change Michelle's diaper? JESSE: Are you kidding? I still have nightmares.
Jesse, what if she needs to be - changed? - Check it out.
Go.
We have a winner.
- Now what? - Joseph, put yourself in her place.
What would you want done? JOEY: I've never changed a diaper.
JESSE: Me neither.
At least you touched one.
All right, look out.
I'll show you how it's done.
Come here, child.
You believe this guy? - All right, make yourself useful.
- I'll take the south end.
JESSE: Good.
- Watch out.
JOEY: Okay.
- Step one, step two.
Step one, step two.
- Step one, step two.
Step one, step two.
Okay, good.
Look out.
Okay, keep her coming.
Showtime.
- Where do we put the baby? - Where do we put the child? Uh, the pot.
Over here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Joey, this is a living thing.
You don't just stick it in a pot.
Use a meat rack.
I'm an idiot.
Come on.
- Okay.
JESSE: All right, good.
- All right.
Great.
- Settle down here, there we go.
Are you gonna cook Michelle? - We're changing her diaper.
- Oh, then how do you roast a turkey? Steph, Joey and I are busy.
Joey, strip her.
All right.
Careful there.
You're in control.
- All right.
Slide it off and-- Ew! - Ew! Huh.
Good thinking, Joey.
Keep it fresh.
- Okay, hold her up.
I'll clean her off.
- Good idea.
Come on, Michelle.
All right.
You're missing, you're missing! All right, come on.
Gently now, gently now, gently.
There we go.
This is great.
We should be mothers.
- Oh, yeah.
- All right, just dry her off.
Okay, fan her.
- Fan her fanny.
- Fan her fanny.
- Fan her fanny.
- Fan her fanny.
You know, these babies have it made.
I would kill for this kind of service.
JESSE: All right, diapers.
- Diapers, diapers.
JESSE: Where are the diapers? - Diapers.
- Diapers, diapers, diapers.
JESSE: Diapers.
Hey, superabsorbent.
Bring it over.
- Okay.
- Now what? - Okay, spin her.
- Spin her.
- Spin her.
- Spin her.
All right, now we'll wrap her up in this.
Come on.
Put her right in here.
Here we go.
- It's too easy.
- Works for me.
- He, you spill some juice on the counter? - Just wipe it up with Baby Tidy Bottom.
You guys were dumb.
[CHUCKLING] Well, we were learning on the job.
Every time you had a first, we had a first.
Like the first time we tried to give you cough medicine.
All right, Joey, you try to give her her medicine.
I give up.
Okay, Michelle.
Here it comes.
[IMITATING PLANE] Come on.
It tastes really good.
Watch this.
Smile.
The baby's watching you.
Mmm.
Mmm.
And she's waiting for her Uncle Jesse to swallow.
This stuff's terrible.
DANNY: Remember your first workout? - Work it out.
And go.
DANNY: Okay.
- And up! Now go! Again! DANNY: And up! Now breathe! JESSE: Now go! Now go! Now work it! - Now go! Feel the burn! Now go! JESSE: Now up! Now work it! Now go! - Now feel the burn! Now go! JESSE: Now work it! Now go! - Now feel the burn! Now go! Obviously, you feel pretty secure about those chubby little legs of yours.
JOEY: And we made our debut as hairstylists.
Let's give you that Marilyn Monroe look.
Kind of, bangs sweeping to the left.
Kind of, the curls framing the face, huh? JESSE: She's got the look to pull it off but I think it'd be a crime to cover that pretty little face.
See, I say we pull it back, give her a more sophisticated kind of look.
More the Madonna/Brigitte Nielsen kind of thing.
Like this.
See? Look.
That's Jack Nicholson.
[CHUCKLING] JOEY: Why don't we give her kind of a Pebbles Flintstone kind of a.
A fun 'do.
That's Don King.
- Maybe just a bow.
- Bow.
DANNY: I remember one of your biggest discoveries.
You'll tell your sisters for me, won't you? Ah, thank you, honey.
You take all the pressure off.
Give me a kiss.
Thanks.
All right, little munchkin, you enjoy your new bed but no more jumping up and down, okay? - Okay, Uncle Jesse.
- All right.
Hello.
DANNY: And your first punishment.
MICHELLE [SINGING]: This is no fun, no fun Looking at the wall Michelle? MICHELLE: Yes, Daddy? Are you ready to be a good girl now? I'll be a very good girl.
Good.
And did you learn a lesson from all of this? Yes, I did.
No swimming in the kitchen.
Yes, no swimming in the kitchen, that's a very important lesson.
But there's a bigger lesson here.
Daddy, Uncle Jesse and Joey, we know what's best for you.
So, honey, when we ask you to do something you should do it.
- Deal? - You're the boss.
Okay, then.
Punishment is over.
Time to play! No, it's not.
Time for bed.
Can we watch Arsenio? - What do you think? - I think it's time for bed.
You think right.
It's time for bed.
To bed, I said.
Daddy? Am I still your little princess? Oh, you got it, dude.
I like being your little princess.
I like it too, honey.
What do you say, let's put this new picture on the very last page.
That's it.
And now, the Michelle Tanner baby book has come to an end.
That's it? I'm finished? Well, you're not finished.
Just your book is.
Are you gonna start a new book? Well, in a few weeks when we have twins we're gonna make a new book for them.
JOEY: Yeah.
STEPH: That's gonna be fun.
Another book.
I don't want my book to be finished.
I wanna be the little princess.
Forget my birthday.
I'm staying 4 years old.
DANNY: Michelle? - Michelle.
JESSE: Baby.
D.
J.
: Where are you? STEPH: Michelle? - Michelle? - Hmm, I wonder where Michelle could be.
You found me.
Big deal.
Okay, sweetie, move over.
Michelle, you have to know, no matter how old you get you're always gonna be my little princess.
Just like Stephanie's always gonna be my little ladybug.
And D.
J.
is always gonna be my little tennis-ball head.
Somebody wanna trade? I like being the baby.
I'm good at it.
Oh, shorty, you're not special because you're a baby.
You're special because you're you.
I ought to know, because you and I go way back.
We've had a lot of cool times together, haven't we? Sing this: [SINGING] I got you, babe Sing it.
I got babe That settles it.
You be Sonny.
Sing it again.
I got you, babe I want a babe She's back, and she's cooler than ever.
Yo, hot wheels! [JESSE CHUCKLING] JESSE: Remember when I almost moved out? I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you too, pal.
But we have to put on our bravest face now, okay? We've gotta be really brave about this thing.
So let me see your brave face.
Can you smile for me? Thattagirl.
All right, now that we've got this bravery thing give me the biggest, most gigantic, most greatest hug you ever gave me.
Ready? And go! Hug, hug, hug.
[KISSING] Ah, thattagirl.
This is a goodbye present.
Michelle, that's your pig.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
Well, in that case, here.
I want you to have this.
This is my pink bunny.
I want you to put it up on the wall.
And whenever you look at it, you can think of me, okay? You got it, dude.
- Goodbye, Michelle.
- Goodbye, Uncle Jesse.
You see, Michelle, I could never leave you because you're my special pal.
- And I love having you for a little sister.
- Yeah, me too.
We've had a lot of laughs.
You wouldn't believe the things I got you to do.
I don't care what's in the bag.
No! I shouldn't do it, should I, Michelle? What if? Look, Michelle.
I've got a cookie.
Yeah, you want the cookie? They're yummy.
Want some cookie? Yeah.
Come get the yummy cookie.
Oops! The cookie accidentally jumped into the bag.
Go find it! Unzip the bag, Michelle.
Let's see what's in there.
Never mind the cookie.
Get the zipper open.
Let's see what Uncle Jesse's hiding in there.
You found it! - May I help you? - She did it.
Shame on you, Michelle.
D.
J.
: And you learned a few tricks.
You can be my dog.
I'll call you Peanut.
D.
J.
: Michelle? Go hide on the bed.
But no barking.
Hey, Michelle, have you seen Sparky? No Sparky here.
Have a nice day.
[SPARKY BARKS] Did that bunny rabbit just bark? That was me.
[BARKING] Maybe it's a doggie.
D.
J.
: But if we really needed you, you were always there.
- Leave the shirt alone.
- No.
Leave it alone! You're in big trouble, mister.
I'm gonna go upstairs and see if your sisters are up there.
They're not doing anything wrong.
Well, that pretty much means they are, doesn't it? You cannot go upstairs.
Oh, yes, I can.
He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! D.
J.
: Hurry, he's coming.
Hurry.
MICHELLE: He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's here.
I did the best I could.
Kimmy, how could you do that?! It's not polite to yell.
Michelle, I have enough problems without the Polite Police on my tail so just stay out of this.
You forgot to say please.
That's it.
This is not polite.
This is not polite.
This is not polite.
This is not polite.
Thank you.
You are not welcome! May I have that cupcake, please? No, you may not.
But I was polite and I said please.
I was polite too.
I said, no, you may not.
Guess what.
Politeness Week is over! STEPH: How rude! You are a piece of work.
Thank you.
I think.
What Stephanie's trying to say is you're a really cool young lady.
If you got any more stories about me, I wanna hear them.
All right, a nickel.
All right, a Cheeto.
[ICE-CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING] Ice-cream man.
Ice-cream man.
Ice-cream man.
Wait for me, I got money.
Give me back my money, you pig.
Why are you very mad? Uncle Jesse locked me out.
Now, why would Uncle Jesse do something like that? I don't know.
I'm a fun girl.
I'm just guessing, but I think Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky just want some privacy.
What is privacy? Well, privacy means that they just want to spend some time together.
- Just the two of them.
- What are they doing in there? Well, they're doing their taxes.
Are they going to do their taxes every night? For the first couple of months.
[SINGING] I'm Popeye the sailor man I'm Popeye the sailor man I'm strong to the finish 'Cause I eats me spinach BOTH: I'm Popeye the sailor man Toot, toot.
Wow.
[LAUGHING] [LAUGHING] [PLAYING BLUES MUSIC] [SINGING] I'm a little teapot Short and stout Why, here's my handle JOEY: This be my spout When I get all hot You're gonna hear me shout Tip me over, baby, and pour me out Rock 'n' roll! [SINGING] There she was Just a-walkin' down the street, singing: Doo, wah, diddy, diddy, dum, diddy, doo Snappin' her fingers and a-shufflin' her feet Singing: Doo, wah, diddy, diddy, dum, diddy, doo - She looked good - She looked good - She looked fine - She looked fine She looked good, looked fine Then I nearly lost my mind Doo, wah, diddy, diddy, dum, diddy, doo Doo, wah, diddy, diddy, dum, diddy, doo Doo, wah, diddy, diddy, dum, diddy, doo Wow, I'm cooler than I thought.
And the older you get, the cooler you're gonna be.
But you gotta keep growing up.
So are you ready to turn 5 now? Yes, I am.
It's party time! Not so fast.
You still have two hours and 13 minutes to go.
This is the longest day of my life.
DANNY: Okay, party animals.
We've got some more decorating to do.