Full House s05e10 Episode Script

Happy Birthday, Babies (2)

Okay, kids, are we ready to start Michelle's fifth birthday party? ALL: Yeah! Wait a minute.
This is a Flintstones caveman party.
Cave people never say, "Yay.
" They say, "Ooga, ooga.
" How do you know they said, "Ooga, ooga"? Because I'm Wilma Flintstone.
I was there.
Now, if we all say, "Ooga, ooga," I bet we can get the rest of my Bedrock buddies to show up.
ALL: Ooga, ooga! Yeah, ooga ooga, everybody.
Hi, I'm Barney.
This is Betty.
We're the Rubbles.
[CHUCKLING] And now, to meet the world's only housebroken dinosaur, Dino! [DANNY SCATTING] What kind of dinosaur are you? I'm a tidy-o-saurus.
Please, kids, whatever you do, keep the cave floor clean.
Wilma! Could you give me a hand picking up these crumbs? My arms haven't evolved yet.
Ooga ooga, Dino.
You know, Dad, the kids love all the props you got to borrow from the station.
Deej, it was real sweet of you to dress up and play along like this.
Well, just remember, when I get my driver's license I have two words for you: red Porsche.
And I have two words for you: bus pass.
JOEY: All right, all right, cave kids it's time to bring out our favorite 5-year-old cave babe Michelle "Pebbles" Tanner.
ALL: Ooga ooga! Ooga! Ooga! This is Comet, my pet stegosaurus.
That's not a stegosaurus, that's a golden retriever.
You got a bad attitude.
Hey, we're missing somebody.
How can we be a modern stone-age family without Fred Flintstone? I wouldn't do this for anyone but Michelle.
Wilma! BECKY: I'm not Wilma.
Just practicing.
Jess, I think it's time.
I know, put on your costume.
You're gonna make a great preg-o- saurus.
I'm gonna get my club.
No, I mean, I think it's time to have the babies.
- No.
- I think so.
- Get out of here.
- I really do.
- No.
- I think so.
Get out of here.
Jess, get a grip.
It's happening.
You know that indigestion I've been having? From Joey's Cocoa Puff omelets.
I got it too.
Yeah, my pangs of indigestion are now coming 10 minutes apart.
So are mine.
Jess, it's not indigestion.
I know it's three weeks early, but I'm going into labor.
What am I going into? I don't know.
Maybe you're having sympathy pains.
No, honey, this is impossible.
We're not ready to have the kids.
I didn't finish the nursery, pick out the names, practice the drill.
So you can't possibly be going into labor because I'm not ready yet.
Well, ready or not, here they come.
- No.
- Yes.
- Get out of here.
- Jess, we've already played this game.
Now, come on, I am ready to have our babies.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Have mercy! Oh, honey, we gotta get to the hospital.
Hey-- See, I'm gonna be cool.
I'm not gonna be like those husbands who get all crazy and go nuts because their wife's in labor.
I'm calm, cool and collected because, hey, babe, I'm there for you.
I'll pack.
Ready.
Here, grab an end.
Honey, we're having a baby, not going to Europe.
Oh, you're right, we gotta lose something.
All right, which do you like better the blue silk or, say, the black rhinestone? For childbirth? The blue silk.
See, that's what I would've gone for, the blue silk.
Jess, I've been packed for six months, so let's just go.
- Come on, let's go.
Here we go.
- Okay.
Kids, that's enough.
That's enough.
We've had a lot of fun, haven't we? I'm losing my balance, kids.
Kids.
That's enough, I mean it.
Okay, okay.
Clubs down there, kids.
Sorry, Dino boy.
I guess having a dinosaur hunt wasn't such a hot idea after all.
[CHUCKLING] Everybody, this is it.
Becky's ready to have the twins.
No.
- Really? - Get out of here.
Don't start that again.
It's true.
I'm gonna have the babies.
At my party? This is better than Chuck E.
Cheese.
Let's go, gotta get to the hospital.
Carry this.
Girls, help your Aunt Becky out.
- Hey, look, a dorkasaurus.
DANNY: Out of the way, Kimmy.
JESSE: Let's go.
Come on, you guys.
D.
J.
: Becky's having her twins.
Oh, I can help.
My hamster just had triplets.
There's nobody here but us kids? That could never happen.
It's true, we're home alone.
[SHOUTING] [ALL SHOUTING] Let's eat birthday cake! MICHELLE: Wait! First, I need to make a wish and blow out the candles.
Is anybody allowed to play with matches? ALL: No.
Me neither.
I'll have to pretend.
Enough already.
Cut the cake.
Is anybody allowed to use a knife? ALL: No.
I'll cut the cake.
I take karate.
Hi-ya! Let's pig out! Oh, no, we're too late.
Sorry, Michelle, in all the new-baby excitement I completely forgot about you and your friends.
That's okay.
Have some cake.
We'll have some cake.
JESSE: All right, clear the path.
Woman in labor here.
Move, move, move it! Jess, why don't you just stick a sign on my back that says "wide load"? You're three weeks early.
Didn't have time to make it.
We need a wheelchair.
We need a wheelchair, please-- Hey, look at that, Doogie Howser.
Excuse me.
Here we go, sit down here in a wheelchair.
Forgive him, he's basically lost it.
All right.
Hey, excuse me.
Pardon me, we need some service here.
Well, how long have you been walking erect? Very funny.
Look, I'm having twins here.
I need service, can you call a bellhop or something? Would you like a poolside room or an ocean view? Honey, would you like a poolside room or an ocean view? Jess, she was kidding.
I knew that.
Fill out these forms-- I mean, would you care to register? Sorry I'm late.
I had a little trouble getting my tail through the revolving door.
KIMMY: Mr.
T people are staring.
Lose the lizard suit.
Why should I? I look fabulous in lavender.
And I'm really into this character.
The truth is, I'm not wearing any pants.
You're not wearing any pants? Gross! Kimmy, do me a favor.
Call home and tell them everything's okay.
- You got a quarter? - Where would I keep it? Just call collect, and tell them to please bring some pants.
Right.
Bring pants because he's not wearing any.
Would Puff the Magic Dragon like a hospital gown? Actually, I'd love one.
And the name is Dino.
WOMAN: Come with me.
NURSE [OVER PA]: Dr.
Cartwright, call the nurses' station.
- Hi, Rebecca.
- Oh, hi, doctor.
Your birthing room's all ready.
How are you doing? Fine.
Contractions are seven minutes apart.
- Good.
- Mine are every time I breathe.
- What do you mean? - She says I'm having sympathy pains.
But would I have them right around this black spot? Mind if I take a look? Ow! Jesse, I'm afraid you may need to have your appendix out.
Now? Mm-hmm.
What? No, I can't have my appendix taken out, I'm going into labor.
I want you to see Dr.
Larkin in Emergency right away.
Orderly, I need a wheelchair.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm staying here with my wife.
That's very sweet, but you're gonna do what the doctor says.
How serious is this? It's fairly routine, but it's something we need to take care of now.
- Have a seat, Jesse.
- I don't believe this.
- Jess, what's going on? Are you okay? - Oh, sure.
I'm fine.
Just figured, heck, while I'm here, might as well have my appendix taken out.
Can't you just let Becky have the babies? - You are so competitive.
- You think I wanted this to happen now? Doctor, if I have to go into surgery, am I gonna be back in time to help my wife? There's no way to know.
You need to sit down.
Danny, listen.
If I don't make it out in time, can you help coach Becky through the childbirth? Jess, no problem.
I've been through this three times before.
I can do this with one hand behind my back.
Which I may do to keep this gown closed.
Beck, I'll be back as soon as possible.
Now, try to wait as long as you can to have the twins.
I'll do my best.
I'm sorry, Beck.
There's no place in the world I'd rather be than right here with you.
I love you.
I love you too.
Hurry back, honey.
Wait for me.
Nice buns.
Yes, I know you just dropped your son off but it's amazing at how much birthday fun you can cram into 15 minutes.
Uh-huh.
Okay, bye.
Okay, kids, your parents are on their way to pick you up.
We have to get to the hospital before the babies are born so let's wait for them out on the porch.
Move it, people.
The party's over.
But you never opened your presents.
Hold it, people.
The party's back on.
Okay, kids, we're gonna play a new game now.
It's called Open the Present You Brought as Fast as You Can.
How do you play? Well, you open the present you brought as fast as you can, hence the name: "Open the Present You Brought as Fast as You Can.
" I think I get it now.
Okay, everybody get in a straight line.
All right.
Now, ready, get set open the present you brought as fast as you can.
All right, there we are, we're opening we're having a great time.
Oh, good, look how fast this guy's going.
Oh, good, it looks beautiful.
That's it, great.
Those are some beautiful presents.
Now, hold them out so Michelle can see what she got.
Love it, love it, love it.
Like it, love it, like it, love it.
That looked bigger on TV.
And that officially ends the party.
Please place your presents gently on the floor and proceed to the nearest exit.
Okay, that would be this way.
Have a nice day and don't forget, buckle up.
Come on.
Thanks for the presents and thanks for coming.
This was a strange party.
[SINGING "WE WILL ROCK YOU"] Sing it.
I'm sorry.
Becky, just keep breathing, okay? We're almost through this one.
Okay, the main thing is not to think about the pain.
There is no pain.
Pain is not part of their vocabulary.
Pain does not exist.
Danny, do you think you could say the word "pain" just a few more times? Sorry, I'm just trying to help keep your mind off that not-so-great feeling.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] JOEY: Are you ready for us? Come on in, everybody.
Did you have the twins yet? - No, not yet.
- What's taking them so long? Maybe they can't decide who should come out first.
Well, it could take a while.
According to my biology teacher, a woman can be in labor for days.
[WHIMPERS] Where's Jess? It turned out his stomachache was really appendicitis.
- Is he gonna be all right? - I'm sure he's gonna be fine.
- He just has to have an appendectomy.
- Appen-what? Well, boys and girls, in scientific terms an appendectomy is when they take that thingamajig out of your tum-tum that you really don't need need.
Hey, everybody, great news.
Kimmy, is Jesse okay? I don't know.
I got lost.
But I did find Luc this really cute guy with two broken arms.
So I volunteered to spoon-feed him his Jell-O.
Is Uncle Jesse gonna miss the babies being born? Oh, I hope not.
I really want him to be here.
Don't worry, Beck, because either way, he's gonna get to see the birth.
Excuse me.
All right.
Come on in, guys.
Danny, what is this? Becky, it's your own camera crew.
You know Mark and Eppie.
I know who they are.
What are they doing in my room? Remember when you announced you were pregnant on Wake Up, San Francisco? You promised our viewers we'd get to see the whole thing on tape.
Yeah, well, that's when I was thin, my hair was done, and I wasn't sweating.
That's not sweat, that's a mother's glow.
Come on, let's do a quick little intro before your next contraction, huh? - Danny, I am not gonna do this.
- We're rolling.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Donaldson, and I'm in labor.
And I am Danny Tanner, and right now, we are in Rebecca's very hospital room where she's about to give birth to twins.
I'm gonna be here every second coaching Becky and giving you the play-by-play as we all watch in amazement the miracle of life.
Well, Danny, about that miracle.
It's kind of a private thing that I'll be happy to talk about when I return to the show in a few weeks.
But until then, this is Rebecca Donaldson saying get out of my room.
And cut.
You're doing great, Rebecca.
It's not gonna be long now.
Oh, I wish Jesse were here with me.
Okay.
That one's over.
Oh, man, that was the toughest contraction yet.
Gee, Danny, maybe you should lie down.
No, Becky, I've made it this far.
I'm gonna go all the way.
Sponge.
Thanks.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Jesse's out of surgery.
- Is he okay? Surgery went fine.
Oh, Jess, you made it just when I need you.
This is a pretty room.
He's still a little groggy from the anesthesia.
Jess, I just want you to know you should be really proud of Becky.
She's doing a really great job.
Hey, I know you.
You're-- - Danny.
- No, that's not it.
You guys need us for anything else? No, we'll take it from here, thanks.
Hey, you've been a really great coach, thanks.
Anytime.
Thank you, Donny.
Close enough.
Oh, honey, I'm so glad you made it in time.
In time for what? The birth of our babies.
Oh, that's right.
You're having my baby.
[SINGING] Jess, just hold my hand.
Won't your husband, Donny, be jealous? Jess, you're my husband.
I get a wife and a baby in the same day.
Radical.
[SINGING] DOCTOR: Okay, Rebecca, here comes another contraction.
- We're gonna push on this one.
- Okay.
DOCTOR: Get ready, deep breath and push.
[GRUNTING] Whoa! Whoa! DOCTOR: Good girl.
[JESSE SINGING] DOCTOR: Six.
Good girl.
Five.
Four, three.
Come on.
Come on, you're doing great, I can see the head! Come on, Rebecca! - Whoa! - Shut up! Beck, I'm so proud of you.
Look what we brought into this world.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you for giving me two beautiful, healthy little boys.
Look at him smile.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
And thank you for making this the happiest day of my life.
I can't believe it.
I'm the father of two identical twin sons.
Hey.
Hey, bub, I'm your daddy.
And I'm your mommy.
Hi.
Becky, can you believe it? We're parents.
How are we doing so far, Dad? I think they dig us.
Look at this, they got your little nose.
And they have your cute smile.
How did they end up with Fred Mertz's hair? - You guys feel up for some visitors? - Sure, come on in.
DANNY: Come on, everybody.
[ALL SIGHING] - Hi, family.
- Hi, family.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, everybody.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hi, little baby boys.
My name is Joey, and I'm gonna teach you how to do archery, bowling, hockey, racecars-- Joey, they just learned to open their eyes.
Okay, then we'll just play peekaboo.
And, guys, I'm your Uncle Danny.
I don't do any funny voices but thanks to me, your diapers are gonna smell April fresh.
What are their names? Well, we each got to pick a name.
So I picked Alexander, after my high school teacher who gave me the inspiration to go into journalism.
And I picked Nicholas after my father, who gave me great hair.
You hear that, baldy? Grow, grow.
Which one is which? We don't know yet.
All right.
All right, who wants to be Alexander? [BABY GRUNTS] We have a volunteer.
They look exactly alike.
How are you gonna tell them apart? You could put a drop of red nail polish on one of their backs.
That's what I did with my turtles.
Your babies are very cute.
You get two thumbs up.
Thank you, Michelle.
They're so little.
They could wear my dolls' clothes.
Hey, back off, shorty.
They're boys.
[LAUGHS] Michelle, we're really sorry you had to cut your birthday party short.
It's cool.
Michelle, just think, now you get to share your birthday with the twins.
- That means triple birthdays.
- Is that a good thing? Well, you get three birthday cakes.
That's a very good thing.
[SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]