Full House s05e11 Episode Script

Nicky and/or Alexander

You wanna help me make breakfast, Michelle? Sure, I can smash some eggs.
Whoa, you don't smash them.
You crack them on the side of the bowl very gently.
Observe.
Now, do you think you can do that? Duh.
Michelle, that was perfect.
Thank you very much.
Now, would you like to scramble them up? I sure would.
DANNY: Okay, that's it.
I just saw Jesse and Becky pull up.
They're home from the hospital with the twins.
DANNY: Oh, man.
I hear footsteps.
Are you ready? ALL: Welcome home.
Well, I can feel the love.
- We're home.
- Hi.
JESSE: Look at this.
Nicky, Alexander, this is your family, remember? Oh, isn't that cute? They look like little Elmer Fudds.
[IMITATING ELMER FUDD] Hello, you rascally rug rats.
Joey's right.
My babies look like Elmer Fudd.
Honey, honey, it's okay.
Joey wasn't thinking.
You know how he has trouble with that.
Now, everybody, we have to be a little sensitive to Becky's feelings.
Doctor said she'll be a little over-emotional the next few days.
Well, it's not my fault.
The doctor said it's very common for new mothers to have mood swings.
Why are you all staring at me? Because you were just talking to us.
Oh, well, thanks for listening.
- Is that a mood swing? - Six-point-two.
- Can I hold one of the babies? BECKY: Sure.
- Can I hold one too? - Absolutely, Steph.
- But you have to sit down first, okay? JESSE: Okay.
- Hey, bub.
Hey, bubba.
- Come here, baby.
- Hey, come on, pal.
Here we go.
BECKY: It's okay.
- It's okay.
JESSE: Okay.
All right, here we go, Deej.
- Be careful with his head.
D.
J.
: Okay.
Oh, how sweet.
- I'm next.
- I'm afraid you're too little.
In case you forgot, I'm 5 years old now.
That's a whole hand.
Michelle, babies are very delicate.
I'm sorry, you're just not old enough yet.
The twins are so cute.
Let me tell everyone, let's not get in the habit of calling them "the twins.
" They're two entirely different people with two entirely different identities.
So which one's Nicky and which one's Alexander? Beats me.
But I do know Nicky loves Elvis.
And Alex loves to burp.
But their names are on their hospital bracelets.
Hey, Kimmy, get the camera.
Grandparents are gonna want pictures.
Wait a minute.
If my mom's gonna see this I have to put on the booties that she made for the boys.
Hold it a second.
No sons of mine are gonna be wearing any tutti-frutti booties, all right? I knew it.
You hate my mother, don't you? No, I-- Mood swing.
No, I-- I love your sainted mother.
Did I--? Did I say tutti-frutti booties? No, I meant-- I meant cutie-wootie booties is what I meant.
You're just saying that.
No, no, no.
They're adorable.
Aren't they adorable? Help me out here, please.
- I'd wear them.
STEPHANIE: They're cute.
- See? - Oh.
Well, I'm so glad you like them.
JESSE: All right.
This is where your mommy and daddy live, huh? And this is the bed.
That's where you guys got started.
- Jess.
- It's the highlight of the tour.
Okay, here's the rest of the room, fellas.
What do you think? - Honey, I'm gonna unpack.
- Okay.
All right.
And in here, this is your room.
This is the nursery, huh? Fellas, what do you think? I know what you're saying, you're saying, "Hey, Pop, we deserve walls.
" And I promise, some day you'll get them.
All right.
Oh, this is gonna be the perfect place, guys.
And you're gonna have the perfect life because I'm gonna be the perfect dad.
I mean, my dad was great, but he did make a few mistakes like he was always bugging me about my long hair.
Let me tell you guys, it's not gonna happen to you.
You know why? Because you're bald.
I was just kidding.
I'm kidding.
I'm do-- You know, I like to joke around sometimes, you guys will learn.
Oh, I love you so much.
Can I have a kiss? Can I have a little kiss? I'm gonna be the best dad in the world.
I promise you guys.
Oh, this is so fun.
I'm hanging out with my boys, my boys.
High-five.
Give me a high-five.
Give me a high-five.
Give me a high-five.
Give me a high-five.
Give me a high-five.
High-five, high-five me.
Right on, brother.
So the doctor's taking my blood pressure and you're not gonna believe this, it registers nothing.
It turns out there was this hole in that little squeeze ball.
You know, that thing that looks like a turkey baster.
What, we're out of time already? I can't believe this.
Boy, time sure flies when I'm telling stories, doesn't it? Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be Chef Sol Wong and cartoon-show host Ranger Joe Gladstone.
Becky, enjoy your babies.
Don't worry, the show's in good hands.
- So long, San Francisco.
SINGERS [OVER SPEAKER]: Wake up! Well, pretty good show, huh, Mr.
Strowbridge? - You need a cohost.
- A cohost? Yeah.
Someone to complement you.
Why? I compliment myself all the time.
Watch this.
Good show, nice work, Danny.
Tanner, I'm sure you're gonna really like Vicky Larson.
She's starting tomorrow.
Oh, Vicky, come.
- She's starting tomorrow? - Hi.
Tomorrow works for me.
Hi there.
I'm-- I'm Danny Tanner.
Welcome to my world.
- Well, it's nice to meet you, Danny.
- All right, you two, so talk, mingle.
Make chemistry.
So have you ever done a morning talk show before? Well, no, but that doesn't mean that I haven't-- Well, don't you worry about a thing.
I am gonna teach you everything I know.
For instance, words like "speaking of" can smoothly get you from one subject to another.
That's what we people in the talk-show biz call a segue.
- Segue, I think I got it.
- Vicky, they want you in wardrobe.
I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, "I'll see you tomorrow.
" That's an excellent way to end a show.
Oh, boy, you're catching on already.
[CHUCKLING] There, now doesn't that feel much better without those hospital bracelets? - You're allowed to take them off? - Well, it's not like they're mattress tags.
But how do you tell them apart? Oh, it's easy.
Nicky is in the mint-green booties, yes.
And Alex is in the peach ones.
Hi, sweetie.
Listen, will you girls do me a favor and entertain the boys while I put these bracelets in their baby books? - Sure.
- Now, don't you guys dare do anything cute while I'm gone, okay? Okay, let's play with them.
I'll take Alexander, you take Nicky.
- Hi, Alexander.
Hi, buddy.
- Hi, Nicky.
Peekaboo.
- Hi, hi, hi, you're a cutie.
- Peekaboo, peekaboo.
Okay, switch.
- Hi, Nicky.
Hi.
- Hi, little buddy.
Hi, hi.
Okay, Daddy's back.
Come on, D.
J.
, let's put the laundry away.
Won't that be fun? Steph, it's me.
Sorry.
I'm better now.
Hi, bub, hey.
I'm older now.
Want me to hold anything? Oh, no thanks, Michelle.
You-- You run along and play, okay? That what I always do.
Play, play, play.
[BABY BABBLING] What? What was that? Oh, you want me to take off those girly booties? Hey, guys, I-- I don't blame you.
They're out of here.
There we go.
Now we can go back to being real men.
This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy rode his Harley-Davidson.
- This little-- - Oh, Jess, Alexander needs to be nursed.
- Wanna bring him in the other room? - Sure.
- Thanks.
- Okay, Alexander needs to be nursed.
Where'd your bracelets go? Hey, Beck? You guys, wait here.
Stay out of the fridge.
Beck, what happened to the babies' bracelets? I took them off and put them in their baby books.
- How are we gonna tell them apart? - Oh, it's simple.
Alexander's in the peach booties, and Nicky's in the mint-green ones.
Listen, about these booties.
I really think they're a little girly for me.
Jess, my mother made those booties, and I want my sons to wear them.
And I don't think that's too much to ask.
- Why are you putting me through this? - I'm sorry.
I'm wrong.
No, I-- I love those boot-- Any good red-blooded American boy would love to wear those booties.
In fact, could you call your mother up and ask if she can make a pair for me? - Oh, I bet she would.
- Yeah.
- Now, please go bring me Alexander.
- Okay.
BECKY: Thank you.
Guys, we gotta put your booties back on.
Why? Because your mom's about this far from losing it.
Okay, Alexander, you have the peach motif.
Which--? Who's Alexander? Which one of you is Alexa--? Whoever's Alexander, raise your hand.
Anyone? Anyone? Oh, my God, I don't know who's who.
I mixed up my own kids.
Some father.
I can just hear it now.
You telling your shrink: "Oh, we were fine, till my old man took off my booties.
I almost spent the rest of my life not knowing if I was me or my brother.
" - Jess? Honey, where are you? - Coming.
Uh, eenie, meenie, mi-- You.
You're Alex.
Here we go.
Here we go, Alex.
All right, here we go.
Okay, don't tell your ma what I did.
There we are.
Okay, coming right out with Alex.
Or Nicky.
I'm sorry.
Whoever you are.
Morning, Nicky or Alex.
Morning, Nicky or Alex.
Listen, I gotta find out who is who now.
Now, Nicky, whoever you are, I know you love Elvis.
So give me some kind of sign, okay? Ready? I'm just a hunk of, hunk of burning love.
I'm just a hunk of, hunk of burning love.
Come on, guys.
Do something.
Curl a lip.
Anything.
- Morning, Jess.
- Oh, hi.
Morning.
- Are the babies awake? - Yeah, yeah, they're awake.
Happy, healthy, confident in knowing who they are.
BECKY: Oh, honey, look.
Nicky burped.
Oh.
- I thought Big Al was the king of burps.
- Hey, you.
You better watch out.
Nicky's making a run for the crown.
Yes, he is.
Yeah, he's making a run for the crown now.
Aha.
All right, you little gas bag, you must be Big Al.
Okay, what we're gonna do is we switch.
We'll switch the booties.
[SINGING] Shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake Shake your booties Everybody sing along.
Shake your booty You guys don't know the song.
That's right.
You missed the '70s.
Lucky you.
Shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake Shake your-- Now we're all set.
There we go.
Wait a minute.
Becky saw you guys the other way around.
Well, all right, we'll just.
Here.
I got it.
We simply do this.
We do this.
Ready? Bada bing, bada boom.
And you thought your old man was a dope.
All right.
Okay.
[BURPS] Now you burped.
Guys, you're messing me up here.
I can't be changing your booties for 18 more years.
Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Mom.
- How you doing? Fine, fine.
You know, I was thinking.
Wouldn't it be funny if we accidentally mixed up the kids and we really didn't know who was who? Funny? That would be horrible.
I mean, that would be a tragedy.
I mean, they'd go through life never knowing their true identities.
And that's why I will never let that happen.
Okay, I'm another day older.
Could I hold the babies now? Jess, I have a feeling she's never gonna give up on this.
I think you're right.
Okay, Michelle, sit down, I'll grab you a kid.
All right, you sit back up in there, okay? Now, remember, you gotta keep your hand behind his head.
And don't jostle him and don't drop him and-- Pretty much don't even move a muscle.
You're making me very nervous.
Sorry.
Here you go.
- All right.
There he is.
BECKY: Oh, hi, sweetie.
Look at me.
I'm holding a baby.
Look how happy he is, Michelle.
That's because he likes me.
He's your little cousin.
He looks up to you.
If you have any questions, talk to me.
I love you.
- All right, you two, have a good show.
- Thanks, Mr.
Strowbridge.
Vicky, these are for you.
That's very sweet, Bill.
Now, Vicky, give us some of that Emmy-award-winning style.
You, uh--? You won an Emmy? Well, actually, I won two of them in D.
C.
for investigative reporting.
I-- I thought you said you never did a talk show before? That's true, but I anchored the evening news for five years.
Why didn't you, uh, tell me that? Because you never stop talking.
In five, four, three, two.
SINGERS [OVER SPEAKER]: Wake up! Wake up, San Francisco.
Hi, I'm Danny Tanner.
And temporarily filling in for my cohost, Rebecca "Hurry back soon" Donaldson is Vicky Larson.
Actually, it's Vicky "I'm gonna be here for four weeks so let's have a good time" Larson.
Okay.
Well, let's bring out our first guest, shall we? He is the host of The Ranger Joe Cartoon Show.
Let's hear it for my good friend, Joey Gladstone.
SINGERS [OVER SPEAKER]: Ranger Joe, Ranger Joe JOEY: He's the greatest guy I know SINGERS: He's Ranger Joe - Hey, Joey.
JOEY: Hi, Danny.
- Hi.
- Vicky.
- Welcome to the show.
JOEY: Thank you.
- Welcome to the show, Mr.
Woodchuck.
JOEY: Thanks, Danny.
I'll just watch.
Well, Joey is hosting the cartoon marathon all this week.
Speaking of cartoons.
Like that segue, Danny? Not bad.
Joey, do you feel that violence in cartoons today has an adverse effect on our children's social consciousness? - Well, actually, Vicky-- - Excuse me.
Vicky, please Joey is just a sweet, lovable, goofy guy.
Please don't try and clog his head with these kind of controversial issues.
Actually, Vicky I'm glad that I finally have the chance to articulate my position.
Articulate? Yes, I've given this issue a lot of thought and while violence is certainly endemic to our society on my show, I only run cartoons where the violence is non-reality based.
That is to say, if we see a mouse drop a battleship on a cat the emulation of that act by a small child would be virtually impossible.
That's a fascinating observation.
Yeah, especially coming from a man who plays "Jingle Bells" on his armpits.
We'll be right back with more of Ranger Joe, Ph.
D.
- And we're clear.
VICKY: Great interview, Joey.
Oh, thanks, Vicky.
You know, you are really wonderful.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
What do--? What do you mean, she's wonderful? She's overbearing, abrasive and arrogant.
Man, you are so hot for her.
I know.
She's gonna drive me nuts.
[SIGHING] - Okay.
Ready for round two? - Yep, let's get it on.
I mean, let's get on with it, the show.
Hi, we're back.
And we're talking with cartoon-show host.
Here you go, Uncle Jesse.
My junior-detective kit.
Shh.
Keep your voice down.
- Why? What do you need this for? - I can't tell you.
Then I can't let you use it.
All right, girls, I'm gonna tell you a secret.
But you can't tell Becky because, well, you know how she's been.
- Nuts? - She hasn't been nuts, she's-- Yeah, nuts.
Yeah, she's been nuts.
What happened was I mixed the twins up and I can't tell who's who.
What? They're your own kids.
Even baboons know their own babies.
Out! Ooh.
Sore spot.
All right, this is what we do.
What I'll do is take a footprint of one of the babies.
And I'll compare it to the original birth certificate right here, okay? Deej, get the ink out.
I'll take, uh.
Whoever you are.
Come on.
Alrighty.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay, ready? And ink him.
Son, this better be your last set of prints.
Okay.
And do this.
Look at that.
See? All right, now we just compare it with the original and we'll be jake.
BECKY: Hey, where is everybody? We're in here! - Shh, Stephanie.
- No, we're not! Look at this.
Becky's gonna see this.
D.
J.
, help me here.
Let's put his foot in my pocket.
Oh, here you are.
Jess, it's time to feed the boys.
Uh, I think I hear Dad calling.
Coming, Dad.
Dad's at the store.
You are really having a bad day.
Jess, is--? Is there some reason that our son's foot is in your pocket? JESSE: Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Well, there's-- There's-- There's a perfectly good reason.
And-- And that is because.
Well-- Well, because he kicked his booty off and-- And he-- And I wanted to keep his foot warm.
There-- There you go.
There's a-- There's a perfectly good reason.
Is there a perfectly good reason that his foot is covered with ink? Where is my head today? I-- I must have left another inkpad in my pocket.
Why don't you tell me the truth? JESSE: Well, the truth is, I was taking his footprints because I took their booties off, and now I can't tell them apart.
I'm some great dad, huh? Even baboons can tell their kids apart.
Honey, why didn't you tell me? Well, I was just trying to avoid the mother of all mood swings.
I know I've been a little crazy, but if there's some problem with our kids you have to tell me so we can work it out together.
I know, I just-- I just wanna be the perfect dad, that's all.
There is no such thing as the perfect dad.
But you're going to be a great dad, and you're already a great husband.
And I love you.
Have mercy.
Well, we're doing pretty good so far.
I mean, our kids are happy, they're healthy we just don't know who the heck they are.
But I'm gonna find out right now, all right? Now, let's see.
This one.
See, it's got a little squiggle here and a little squigg-- We have a match.
You-- You with the inky foot, my friend, are Big Al.
Isn't that great news, guys? They're so excited, they're speechless.
Guys, I've been going crazy all day.
I found out who you are.
You're Al, you're Nicky.
High-five.
Give me high-fives.
High-five.