Full House s05e12 Episode Script

Bachelor of the Month

- Good morning, everyone.
DANNY: Good morning.
Hey, it's Jesse, remember him? Jess, we've barely seen you since the twins were born.
How's it going, Dad? Oh, it's going fine.
And it's not Dad, it's Mighty Dad.
I stayed up all night, finished the nursery.
I gotta sweep up the sawdust.
Take the kids' clothes, fold them.
And I got just enough time for a nutritious breakfast.
Lay some doughnuts on me.
DANNY: There you go.
JESSE: And we thank you.
[DOORBELL RINGING] DANNY: Oh, my ride's here.
BECKY: Come in, Mighty Dad.
Read you loud and clear, Mighty Momma.
We have a situation in the attic.
You need a backup? Affirmative.
We've got a number two in progress from twin number one.
Ten-four on number one's number two, over and out.
Girls, I'd like you to say hi to Vicky Larson.
She's filling in for Becky on my show.
: Hi.
Daddy, you're right, she is a pretty girl.
Why, thank you, Danny.
Hey, Daddy, are you gonna ask her on a date? Michelle, where would you get an idea like that? From Stephanie.
I heard it from D.
I heard it from Joey.
I heard it from Danny.
You see how these crazy rumors get started? Girls, I'm sure that Vicky feels that you don't mix business with pleasure.
- Well, yes, I do feel that way.
- Great, it will work out perfect.
I won't ask you out, and you won't say no.
Hey, you guys, you'll never guess who Bay City Magazine picked as Bachelor of the Month.
[JOEY LAUGHING] Thank God he left his clothes on.
Thank you, Kimmy.
Oh, wow.
What a surprise.
I-- I don't know what to say.
You could say three years of sending in your picture finally paid off.
Vicky, I hope you don't think I did this just as an easy way to meet women.
Oh, of course not, you probably did it to get publicity for the show.
Having a lot of strange women chasing after me boy, that's-- That's the last thing I want.
[KNOCKING] Hi, does the Bachelor of the Month live here? KIMMY: Yes, he does, but you're the last thing he wants.
No-- Hi, sorry about that door in your face.
Come on in, I'm Danny Tanner.
No problem.
I'm Penny Allen.
I just jogged over from down the street and across the Bay Bridge.
If you're not busy, can I take you out to dinner tonight? Sure.
We can talk about it on the show.
That will be fascinating.
Great, I'll pick you up at 7.
- Well, I gotta run.
- Bye.
DANNY: Well.
What do you know? I, uh.
I got myself a date tonight.
But what about my bedtime story? We'll fill in for Dad.
Yeah, how often does Dad have a date anyway? Not very often.
All right, Nicky, Alex, you're about to take your very first look at your brand-new nursery, huh? Come, guys, come with us.
- Hey.
What do you guys think? I can feel the excitement.
Look at this.
Look, look, look.
I got you an Elvis mobile, huh? Watch this, they're all shook up, see? I just hope they can sleep with the glare from those sequined jump suits.
It will be okay.
All right, what's next, Mighty Momma? Diaper check, Mighty Dad.
Here we go.
Up we go.
Ah, fresh as a daisy.
Oh, I got the fertilizer.
Let me ask you guys a question here.
Now, every time you're wet, you're dry.
Every time you're awake, you're asleep.
Every time you're spitting up, you're hungry.
Guys, you're identical twins.
Do something identical.
Honey, you seem a little cranky.
Why don't you take a nap.
What, a nap? Two hours of sleep a night is more than enough for Mighty Dad.
That's the spirit.
Next time, I say we go for triplets.
You may have to go without me.
- Hey, bub.
BECKY: See that Elvis? "And from then on, all the other tugboats cheered when Melvin, the littlest tugboat, went toot, toot.
The end.
" When Daddy tells the story, he goes, "Toot, toot!" Toot, toot! A little louder.
Toot, toot! A little softer.
Toot, toot.
You forgot to pull the handle.
Here's your glass of kitchen water.
Are you sure it's from the kitchen? Taste it.
Yep, that's the kitchen.
Now, we turn on the light.
And we lock your dollhouse.
- Sweet dreams.
STEPH: Sweet dreams.
See, I told you we could do it just like Daddy.
You need to work on your tugboat.
Well, I think I'll have another chance.
Dad made a date for every night this week.
You got to be kidding.
Dad's out having fun right now.
What could be more fun than me? SINGERS [ON SPEAKER]: Wake up! Before we bring out our first guest, I'd like to give you the update on Danny Tanner, Bachelor of the Month, Day 10.
Last night was so romantic.
Amber and I spent the evening riding bumper cars.
Oh, boy, can she bump.
I don't think our viewers need to hear about another one of your shallow dates.
- Our first guest for today is-- - Excuse me, did you just say shallow? Well, you've been out with 24 women in 10 nights.
What would you call that? Quality time.
[CHUCKLING] Like I said, Danny, shallow.
Oh, I'm sure your dating life is so deep.
I can just picture you out with some stuffed shirt discussing Russian literature over white wine and Brie.
Oh, I can imagine what your dating life is like.
"Gee, Amber, I wonder which bumper car goes the fastest?" Well, if you'd-- If you'd like to find out what I'm like on a date why don't you experience the real thing.
Are you asking me out right here in front of all our viewers? Sure makes it harder for you to say no, doesn't it? [CHUCKLING] Yeah, why don't you come over to my house tonight and-- And I'll-- I'll take you out to dinner.
What do you say? Is it a date? - It's a date.
- Great.
And then tomorrow, you-- You can tell everybody that I'm not the shallow, bubbleheaded bachelor you think I am.
Or I can call it like I see it.
Jess, that is the third Cindi that's called Danny today.
How does he keep all these women straight? Well, see, I used to use memory tricks, like, uh.
Like if I went out with Lisa and she wore lace it was Lacy Lisa, right? Heather wore leather, so-- Well, that one's easy.
And then, like, Rhonda was, like, uh help me, Rhonda.
Help, help me, Rhonda.
- Help you do what, Jess? - Whoa! [CHUCKLING] Here, this stuff is clean.
Great, because all this stuff is dirty.
JESSE: Does it ever end? BECKY: Honey, one more thing.
Don't forget to change the crib liner because Alex spit up again.
Is it my imagination, or is more coming out than going in? I know.
It's one of the mysteries of science.
Hey, what happened to Mighty Dad and Mighty Momma? We're mighty pooped.
You two should really pace yourselves.
The twins don't even move yet.
[BABY CRYING] That's a wet cry.
- Whose turn is it? - Whose turn is it? - Yours.
- Yours.
- All right, I'll go.
- All right, I'll go.
Once upon a time, there was a lad named Daniel.
And he became the Prince of the Month.
But Prince Daniel's cohost, Princess Vicky she thought that Daniel was nothing more than a shallow maiden chaser.
So Prince Daniel decided to sweep Princess Vicky off of her feet with his charming, dashing ways, and make her eat her words in front of the whole TV kingdom.
Not your best story.
Wait, I'm not done.
And the two of them sailed off into the sunset on a beautiful magic tugboat.
Toot, toot! I do love that tugboat.
Okay, honey, you've got your kitchen water.
We turn the nightlight on.
We lock the dollhouse door, and we say, "Sweet dreams.
" I thought we were gonna play.
Daddy's tucking me in.
Before dinner? Well, Teddy, I have a date tonight so we're doing Michelle's bedtime routine a little early.
Now I can get up and play.
This is a strange family.
I'll see you in the morning, honey.
Daddy, can I go on your date with you? No.
No, dating that's something you'll do when you're.
Well, in your 30s.
Good night.
My daddy's always leaving me.
TEDDY: How come? Because he's spatula of the month.
If you say so.
I wanna go on my daddy's date.
But your daddy said no.
Then we have to be very sneaky.
Uh, we? That's right, you're my date.
Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky are on their way down.
- Is their surprise dinner ready? - Yes, I made my specialty.
Pork and beans in a white-wine sauce.
- Hey, everybody.
JOEY: Hey, Danny.
STEPH: Hi, Dad.
: Hi, Dad.
DANNY: Guess where I'm going? On a date.
Yeah, but not just any date.
Guess who I'm going out with? Princess Vicky.
Man, I told that story to everybody.
: Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Steph, sweetie, what is it? We're very busy.
Ah, the Katsopolis party of two.
Right this way.
Your table is awaiting.
Over there, and you right over there.
Wow, this is very sweet of you.
- Hey, you guys did this for us? - That's right.
Jesse and Rebecca, you've won a night of free childcare and a romantic dinner for two.
Pork and beans? [IN FRENCH ACCENT] In a white-wine sauce.
- Well, thank you.
JESSE: Thank you, guys.
JOEY: All right.
- Wow.
- Boy.
Gee, I can't believe we have the whole evening to ourselves.
All right, this is a chance to have an adult conversation without talking about the babies.
We'll catch up on the rest our lives.
- You're right.
- Okay.
So how's your music going? Well, I haven't spent much time in the studio since the babies were born.
So, uh.
So you miss the Wake Up, San Francisco show? Boy, tell you the truth, since the babies have been born I haven't had much time to think about it.
- You said it.
- I said babies.
- Yeah.
- Right.
[BECKY CLEARS THROAT] You know, Nicky did the cutest thing today.
Really? What did he do? Well, when he sneezed, he looked like a bunny rabbit.
- Oh, I missed a bunny sneeze? I can't-- - Yeah.
Okay, we're doing it.
We're-- Come on, now, this is a chance to really enjoy ourselves.
- And let's take advantage of it, okay? - You're right, you're right.
All right, girls, diaper alert.
We have a little problem here, so let's settle this the mature adult way.
Rock, Scissors, Paper.
ALL: One, two, three.
- Scissors cut paper.
- Scissors cut paper.
Joey, you lose.
You have to change Nicky's diaper.
- Have fun.
- Come on, girls.
- Good luck.
- Hey, come on.
Give me a break here, okay.
[IMITATING POPEYE]: All right, let's see what you got here, Swee'Pea.
Whoa! Oh, gosh.
Nothing sweet about this.
I should change me name to Poopeye, that's for sure.
Oh, gosh.
Okay, let's get you cleaned up here.
Now, I volunteered to do this out of the goodness of my heart.
So let's have a nice thank you for your Uncle Joey.
Well, blow me down.
Oh, gosh, you missed me, you little squirt.
Oh, gosh.
Well, at least your mom and dad get to enjoy a nice romantic dinner to themselves.
[HONKING] DANNY: I'm very excited you agreed to come with me here, Vicky.
This is gonna be a lot of fun.
Well, welcome to Chez Lyon, the hippest bistro in town.
Prices are high, portions are small and the waiters are snooty.
You're gonna love it.
I can't wait.
I hope the chairs are hard.
Oh, thank you very much.
Right this way.
We did it.
I've never been that quiet in my whole life.
Me neither.
[SCREAMING] Much better.
Let's go eat.
- Sir, your table is ready.
- Thank you.
Um, could the lady and I have a nice booth instead, perhaps? A booth? I'm afraid not.
Right this way.
[MUSIC PLAYING] This is a grown-up restaurant.
Let's act like grown-ups.
This way, my dear.
- Good evening.
- Thank you.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
Thank you.
Ah, they have the most delightful pâté here.
You're going to enjoy this.
Would you please tell Frederick bonjour from Danny Tanner.
Frederick quit a year and a half ago.
Oh, um, did he leave any pâté? So, Danny, do you come here often? Very funny.
So, what would you like to talk about? Politics? Russian literature? All right.
Which Karamazov brother did you find most compelling? Oh, I don't know.
Hoss? Little Joe? Okay, we can go in now.
There's my daddy.
Let's go surprise him.
But there's no chairs for us.
Here's a bigger table.
- Excuse me.
Who are you here with? My daddy.
He's on a date.
Oh, so that'll be four.
I'll start with a Happy Meal.
I'll have what she's having, but hold the pickle.
Whoa, baby.
There's a happy meal.
Grab a fork.
Daddy's missing all the fun.
Uh, Danny, there's a young lady waving at you.
Oh, yeah, I know.
It's all part of the price I pay for being Bachelor of the Month.
Well, I don't wanna make you jealous, so I'm not even gonna look.
No, really, you-- You ought to look.
Daddy, you gotta try the happy meal.
Oh, my God, it's my daughter.
Michelle, how did you get here? In your car.
We were hiding in the back seat.
If we're in trouble, it was her idea.
You're both definitely in trouble.
Please, into the booth, both of you.
- Is everything all right? DANNY: No.
My daughter and her friend stowed away in my car.
Michelle why did you do that? Because I never see you anymore.
Is that because you're the spatula of the month? Eat your dessert, Teddy.
Michelle, how could you say you never see me anymore? I see you every morning, and I told you a bedtime story tonight.
Before dinner doesn't count.
You don't tuck me in anymore.
Sweetheart, if I'm not able to tuck you in for some reason there's always someone else there to tuck you in.
It's not the same.
You do the best tugboat.
Actually, she has a point there.
I do one heck of a "toot, toot!" That does not excuse you from leaving the house and sneaking into my car.
Am I in big trouble? Well, actually, it's not all your fault.
I should've talked to you about this whole dating thing before I started going out every night.
I know how important it is to you that I tuck you in.
It's important to me too.
I love our special times together.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you and I make a special date tomorrow night at your bedtime for me to tuck you in.
What do you say? Is it a date? It's a date.
I love you, honey.
I love you, Daddy.
Danny, since we're all here, why don't we make this a double date? Okay.
Well, if you'll excuse me I'll call home and tell them that the kids are okay.
I wonder how much she tipped for that booth.
VICKY: Here we go.
This is okay with your daddy, right? Right.
I had a great time, Michelle.
I hope we double date again soon.
Tomorrow's good for me.
Honey, why don't we go over your social calendar when I come up to tuck you in, okay? I'll be waiting with the tugboat book.
Toot, toot! You still got it.
Look, Vicky, I'm sorry.
This wasn't the scintillating evening I was hoping for.
Actually, it was fun.
I hope you don't mind if I tell our viewers you're a terrific dad.
Look, I got a little carried away with all those women suddenly wanting to go out with me.
The truth is, I'm not really a super-stud bachelor.
Somehow, I knew that.
You know, I'm just looking for somebody special.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I'm going through the same thing.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Ooh! I'll be right up, honey.
Toot, toot! - Well, I'll see you at work tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Night.