Full House s05e18 Episode Script

Too Much Monkey Business

[DOORBELL RINGS] - I'll get it.
- We'll both get it.
[GIBBERING] One moment, please.
MICHELLE: I'll be right with you.
Daddy, there's a monkey at the door.
That's gotta be my sister.
Your sister is a monkey? Excuse me.
- Surprise.
- Hey, hey, hey, Wendy.
- Hi.
- You're back.
Girls, it's Aunt Wendy and her monkey.
- Look at the monkey.
- Wait a second.
Is it safe - for the kids to be near the monkey? - Absolutely.
She's very tame.
I raised her all by myself from a little baby.
I was studying chimpanzees in Uganda and I found poor Ginger all by herself.
Everybody wave hi to Ginger.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Girls, give your Aunt Wendy a hug.
- Hi.
Come on, let's sit down.
I wanna hear everything.
Hey, come on, Ginger, let's have a seat.
Dad, we gotta get a monkey.
Honey, you know the rule.
No jungle animals in the house.
Hey, Ginger, can you do a monkey face? [IMITATES MONKEY GIBBERING] [SHRIEKING] Not bad.
Try a chicken.
[CLUCKING] What's going on here? Ho-ho-ho! A monkey, a girl with blond hair.
It's gotta be the jungle girl.
- Hi.
- How you doing? Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
This is my wife, Rebecca.
This is Wendy, Danny's little sister.
It's nice to finally meet you.
- That's Ginger.
- Oh-ho-ho! Hi, Ginger.
Listen, she's got her hand in my pocket.
What's her hand doing in my pocket? I mean, I know what it's doing in my pocket but I mean, why is she doing it? That's amazing.
Ginger's usually so shy with strangers.
She must really like you.
Oh, goody.
Oh-ho-ho! Okay, that's enough of that, Ginger.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Nice to meet you.
How you d--? Oh, okay, yeah.
All right, listen, I'm not a.
I'm not really a monkey type of guy.
Thank you.
- Is this thing tame? - Yes, she's very well-mannered.
And I think she has the hots for my husband.
Hey, Ginger, he's mine.
Jess, I just cleaned the coffee table.
Could somebody slide a coaster under her or something? Danny, if you're that worried about Ginger, maybe I should get a hotel.
Don't you be silly.
I wouldn't have it.
You're gonna stay here with me.
Ginger can get a hotel.
- Hey.
- Joey, look who's here.
Oh, my goodness, Wendy Tanner, you little cutie.
You have not changed one bit.
Very funny, Joey.
I'm just kidding.
Come on, give me a hug.
Why, so you can stick a sardine down my back? I haven't pulled that bit since I was in eighth grade.
If you're so worried about it, just give me a little handshake.
Oh, yes.
- Yes.
You can go home again.
- Joey, that was so lame.
Sorry, I saw you coming so I grabbed the nearest fake hand I could find.
That's it, Joey.
Wanna pick up right where we left off? Fine.
I'm calling your mom.
See if I even care, see if I even care.
Okay, would you guys just call it a truce, please? All right, let's shake on it for real.
Come on, Danny.
We got a lot of catching up to do.
I have a job interview at 3 at the zoo.
Think you could give me a ride? You know, I'd love to, but I gotta tape some promos.
Joey, do me a favor.
Why don't you take Wendy and maybe you can get across town without playing a trick on her.
Well, you better hold my sneezing powder my whoopee cushion and my exploding tuna.
What are you doing in my lap? What, do I look like Santa Claus? Somebody's got a monkey crush.
Oh! I got two words for you: banana Binaca.
Not the hair.
Watch the hair.
Look what just got delivered.
It's addressed to Tanner.
Rip that sucker open.
Michelle, I don't know if this package is for me.
But there's only one way to find out.
What the heck is that? I bet it's from Africa.
It says, "I am Nikata.
Feed me or a curse will be brought upon your household.
" What's a curse? It's a magic spell that brings a bunch of bad luck.
Then we better feed him.
Michelle, there's no such thing as magic spells or curses so we're not gonna have any bad luck.
Hey, squirtarinos.
Gibbler's here.
That's very bad luck.
True, but it's not Nikata's fault, it's D.
Listen, you guys.
Kimmy and I are doing beauty makeovers so the bathroom is off-limits for the next three hours.
You're gonna need three years for Kimmy.
[LAUGHING] Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
This guy is making me nervous.
Michelle, nothing bad is gonna happen.
He's just a silly block of wood.
MALE VOICE: Feed me.
MICHELLE: You heard the man, feed him.
And five and six and seven and eight.
- One.
- And one and two - Two.
- and three and four and five.
Come on, Beck, how trendy can you get? Baby aerobics? Jess, it'll help the boys develop their motor skills.
They'll crawl earlier, walk sooner who knows, maybe even potty train faster.
Double time.
And one and two, and one and two.
Okay, okay, I think we've had enough.
[BABY CRYING] Yes, we have.
Come on, boys, time to hit the showers.
Yes, come to Mommy.
Go to Mommy when you're crying.
Go see Mommy.
There you go.
[BABIES CRYING] Oh, crying babies.
Oh, great, the zoo crew is back.
- I think somebody missed somebody.
- Yeah, okay.
Okay, listen.
Look, Ginger.
I hate to break it to you, but it's over, all right? I'm a happily married man.
There's nothing going on between you and me.
All right, okay.
All right, listen.
Listen, listen here.
Now, look, I can't hang out with you, you know.
You wanna find a playmate? Go find Michael Jackson.
I don't wanna hurt your feelings.
You're a beautiful monkey.
You got gorgeous eyes, really nice ears a winning personality.
It's just that you're too short for me.
So, Wendy, what do you think? You gonna take that job at the zoo? I don't know, but I do know I had a great time with you today.
Oh, me too.
Hope I didn't drive you nuts with all my animal voices.
No, it was fun.
I've always wondered what a Tasmanian devil sounded like.
[IMITATES TASMANIAN DEVIL] Boy, I'm sorry I played all those stupid tricks on you back when we were kids.
The truth is, I really did like you.
Well, the truth is, when I was a little girl I had a secret crush on you.
Well, what if I told you I had a secret crush on you right now? I'd say the secret's out.
- Hey, you're back.
And you're kissing.
- Hi, Danny.
I don't know what to say.
When you guys left here you weren't even friends, and now boy, you're very friendly, aren't you? Yeah, isn't it great? And thanks to you for getting us together.
Oh, hey, don't mention it.
Joey, why don't you and I get dinner ready now? Wendy, you must be tired.
If you want, you can rest in my room.
All right.
Yeah, I am a little jet-lagged.
Ginger, wanna take a nap up in Danny's room? Whoa.
Wait a minute.
I haven't quite monkey-proofed the sheets yet.
Oh, don't worry, I'll take care of Ginger.
I am a monkey expert.
I've read every Curious George book.
- Great.
Thanks, Joey.
- Sure.
Ginger, are you gonna be a good girl? [GIBBERING] I'll see you guys later.
And I'll see you a little later, you Tasmanian devil.
[IMITATES TASMANIAN DEVIL] Why don't you cop a squat up here on the couch? We'll get to know each other.
Hey, what do you say we get out this month's National Geographic see if any of your friends are in there? I got an idea.
We could pick nits off each other.
Joey, we need to talk.
I'm trying to bond with the little chimp.
What you're trying to do is bond with my little sister.
What's wrong with that? Your sister happens to be a great girl.
Joey, I wanted you two to be friends.
I didn't want you to make a move on her.
You know, if I didn't know you better I'd swear you didn't want me going out with your sister.
Look, it's just not a good idea, all right? Danny, I really don't care what you think, okay? - You don't care what I think? - No, I don't.
I'm your best friend, Joey.
Well, you're not being my best friend now.
- I'm as involved as you are.
- You're not involved.
It's my sister and you.
- Where'd Ginger go? - I don't know.
You're the monkey-sitter.
Why don't you just mind your own business, okay? You have no right to tell me who I can date.
Now, if you'll just back off and get out of my way, I got a monkey to find.
- Joey.
- Don't "Joey" me, okay? My avocado mask is hardening.
Yeah, I'm turning into guacamole.
Let's scrape this off with Doritos.
Girls, have you seen Ginger? Sorry, Joey, we can't see anything.
Just my luck.
I finally meet a woman I really like and I lose her monkey.
- Out of my way, Danny.
- We should wake Wendy.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Making me look irresponsible.
That would play into your hands.
I just thought maybe she knew a secret monkey call or something.
Okay, Kimmy, one more minute and I'll comb out your perm and shampoo in the special rinse.
I hope you like the color I mixed for you.
It's very subtle.
Thanks, Deej.
I wouldn't trust my hair to anyone but you.
: Kimmy, you can't afford anybody but me.
KIMMY: Good point.
: Time's up on our fruit facials.
All right, Kimmy, it's time to make you beautiful.
Oh, Alex.
Isn't that precious? You rocked your daddy to sleep.
Now can you burp him for me? Mm.
Oh, I'm awake.
I'm awake.
I didn't miss anything.
When did we have a baby? Come on, honey, you were up all night with the twins.
Oh, hello.
Why don't you take a nap? Yeah, that's a good idea.
And why don't you join me? We could turn the lights down lock the doors, and nap like we did on our honeymoon.
- I could go for a good nap.
- Have mercy.
- I'll be right in.
- Can't wait.
Okay, you guys, now, I want you to go to sleep.
And if you wake up, just talk among yourselves, okay? Hi, Becky.
Is that a new perfume? It's a walk on the wild side, isn't it? Mm.
Can't keep your hands out of my hair, huh, honey? Oh, I love you.
Oh, that feels good, honey.
You know all the right spots.
Little bit of rough stuff tonight, huh, honey? Has Uncle Jesse been a bad boy? Becky when was the last time you shaved your back? God.
I just made out with a monkey.
- Did you see that? - Yes.
And, honey, I think I learned a few tricks from Ginger.
Get over here.
I knew I should've knocked.
There you are.
Okay, come on.
Come to your buddy Joey.
Oh, man, she hates me.
Why won't that monkey give me a break? I don't know, but if you talk sexy to her, she'll nibble on your ear.
Would you forget about the monkey for a second? - You and I have to talk.
- There's nothing to talk about.
You told me you didn't want me going out with your sister.
- Joey, would you listen to me? JOEY: No, I won't.
Are you ready to take that nap? Yeah, right after I take a bath.
Ew! Ugh! D.
: Well, I think I've done all I can do.
I can't wait to see it.
Trust me.
You can wait.
Boy, do I look that stunning? I'm definitely stunned.
Doesn't she look cute, girls? You look like Bozo.
She means Francesca Bozo, that Italian supermodel.
I'm talking about Bozo with the ball on his nose.
, what did you do to me? It's not D.
's fault, it's Nikata's.
He's cursed this whole house.
We gotta go feed him.
- I've gotta see my hair.
- Kimmy, don't.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
I'll pay to have it shaved.
No, no, no, I love it.
And finally, I'm one step ahead of Madonna.
And the best part is, my mom's gonna freak out.
Thanks, Deej.
Happy to help.
How do we feed him? You got me.
He has no stomach.
He's just a head on a stick.
Here comes Ginger.
There goes Ginger.
- Ginger, come back here.
- Joey, come back here.
Hi, Dad.
Steph, what are you doing? I'm trying to stop the horrible curse on this household.
Well, keep trying.
Boy, tough house to take a nap in.
Hey, my Nikata bank.
What do you mean, "bank"? I bought it for my tacky souvenir collection.
MALE VOICE: Feed me.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
You mean there's no curse? No, it's just for fun.
See, Michelle, you little kids will believe anything.
Oh, please.
There you are, you little missing link.
Okay, now, come to Joey.
Ginger, no.
Hey, Ginger.
Hey, Ginger.
Yeah, come on in.
Please? [GIBBERING] Ginger, look, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Just don't look down.
Joey, what are you doing out there? I'm baking bread.
What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to get a chimp.
Joey, it's dangerous out here.
Would you get in the house right now? - I'm tired of you treating me like a kid.
- I don't treat you like you're a kid.
I know what's best for you.
Get in here before you catch cold.
- See? You're doing it again.
- Okay, excuse me.
Now you got nowhere to run to.
Joey, would you listen to me? No, you listen to me.
I'm a nice guy, Wendy's a big girl.
She doesn't need you to protect her from me.
I am not trying to protect her from you.
Oh, no? Well, then, what are you doing? I'm trying to protect you from her.
Protect me from her? What are you talking about? Joey, I don't wanna.
I don't want you to get hurt.
Wendy is the kind of person, she's totally committed to her work.
She could pick up tomorrow and just wind up halfway around the world.
I've seen her break a lot of hearts, okay? Well, I appreciate you looking out for me but I really like Wendy, and I'm willing to take that risk.
So would you just do me a favor and stop trying to be my dad? I'm sorry.
I gotta learn to let go.
But you are turning into a fine young man.
Well, thanks.
So would you just be my friend? I'll be more than that.
I'll be your best friend.
- Hey, Ginger.
- Ginger.
- Open the window.
- Would you open the window, please? - Go get Wendy.
- Thank you.
- Ginger.
- Fine.
Get Wendy.
I'll bet you thought you were pretty funny with that little window gag, huh, Ginger? [GIBBERING] Hey, thanks for saving us, Wendy.
I thought you were taking a nap.
I couldn't stop thinking about that job at the zoo.
If I take it, it's gonna mean living in a big city with noise and traffic and pollution.
So you're not gonna take it? Well, it also means hot showers and pizzas and my little Tasmanian devil.
So I'm taking it.
All right.
You know what? You two actually make a pretty nice couple.
It's great you're gonna be in town.
[GIBBERING] Well, we just have one little problem.
Your monkey's been hiding from me all day.
I think she hates me.
[CHUCKLING] Then why is she hugging me? Because her favorite game is hide and go seek.
Well, great.
Mine too.
Hey, put her there, babe.
Everything okay? I looked out the window and I saw three monkeys in a tree.
Good gosh.
All right, okay, I give up.
Let me go get dressed, I'll dry my hair and we'll catch a flick.
[GIBBERING] What's that? Okay, fine.
We'll go see the Planet of the Apes.
And there goes another nice couple.