Fuller House (2016) s04e04 Episode Script


1 La, la la la la la Ooh Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV? Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you look There's a heart, there's a heart, a hand to hold on to Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face of somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there, and you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La la la la la la Oh Did you know we have a dryer, too? Kimmy, what's all that? I have entered the lucrative world of kids' parties.
I've got two lined up, and Stephanie is my entertainer.
Oh, I don't know, Kimmy.
I'm having second thoughts.
I've never really performed for children.
You'll be fine.
Besides, it'll be great practice for connecting with kids.
Your bun is not gonna be in my oven forever.
So I guess I have to come up with some sappy-sweet character, right? That's a kids' performer's bread and butter.
Also, you might wanna bring some bread and butter.
I don't feed the help.
Well, this better be worth all the fuss.
Here's what it pays.
Ooh, well, that's a butt-load of fuss.
Hey, girls.
Do you want a snack? Oh.
Hold on.
Already got it covered.
- Who likes tapas? - We do.
Remember, we're not doing carbs this week.
You're serious.
We're meeting up later at Burt's Burgers.
Well, that's okay.
It's not like I went out at dawn and caught my own lobsters.
Thanks, Mrs.
Your desperate need to please us is appreciated.
When you girls are around, it's like I'm back in high school.
Is that a good thing? Shh.
I'm talking to the cool kids.
You guys should leave before my mom starts to floss.
Too late.
- Later, peeps.
- See you at Burt's.
I like those girls.
You know, I could've hung with the popular girls in high school.
But instead, I decided to hang with the lonely awkward girl who needed a friend.
Thank you, Kimmy, for taking pity on me.
I am forever grateful.
[DOORBELL RINGS] It is always open.
You don't live here.
I know.
But they cannot keep me out because it is always open.
Also, congratulations.
Thanks, man.
For what? It is your and D.
's two-week-iversary.
It is? How would you know that? I keep various anniversaries on my iPhone.
Did you know that A-Rod and J-Lo have been together for 22 months? Actually, it's 26 months, if you count their secret rendezvous at Color Me Mine in Culver City.
She made a coffee mug.
He made a picture frame.
I'd have backed you up, but that kid scares me.
Sometimes I think he can wish me into a cornfield.
I woke up once with him standing over me.
I thought he was trying to steal my breath.
Speaking of taking my breath away what sexy gift did you bring your paramour, huh? Oh, uh, I guess, gas-station coffee and a banana? Wrong.
You have insulted romance and burned my hand.
The two-week-iversary sets the tone for every "iversary" afterward.
You know, you're right.
I gotta I gotta show Deej how much she means to me.
- Well, thanks, bro.
- I'm not your bro.
I'm your how does everyone say? "bro-fessor of love.
" Okay, nobody says that.
I want you and D.
to experience the unbridled passion that Kimberlina and I share.
Aren't you technically divorced? Let me walk you out.
- Aren't you gonna clean up the mess? - I do not live here.
Hey, hey, ooh-ooh I'm sorry, these seats are saved.
My friends will be here any minute.
I don't mean to be rude, but can you leave? Hey, you go to Bayview, right? Yeah, we're on the same row of lockers as that kid whose mom's the lunch lady.
Oh, Sloppity Joe Johnson.
But why does he wear a hair net to class? Ha ha ha.
I know, right? I still need you to leave.
I'm sure Sienna and the other girls will be here soon.
Sienna? Oof, check Insta.
They're at the movies.
What? She told me to meet them here.
Sorry, but it looks like you got ghosted.
That's cold, but I'm still gonna need this table.
- Hi.
- How was football recital? It's a sport, not dance class.
From the look of your spotless tights, seems like dance class.
I'm the placekicker.
I never get dirty.
Is that why no one believes I'm really on the team? That and you once famously broke your thumb doing close-up magic.
Hey, that was a brand-new deck of cards.
They put that cellophane on really tight.
[DOORBELL RINGS] It's always open.
What are you doing here? It's our two-week-iversary.
Our two-week-i-wh Oh, right, yeah.
I, I pronounce it differently.
Wow, those are so beautiful.
- I'm so glad you like them.
- Ohh.
I wish I could stay, but it's Hammertoe Day at the clinic.
Aw, it must be Hammertoe Day.
I can't believe that fell on the same day as your two-week-iversary.
What did you get him? Well, nothing.
I, I didn't know it was a thing.
Are you out of your mind? Don't you want what me and Fernando have? I don't know.
Do I? Of course you do.
Everyone wants more I'amour.
Okay, so what's someone supposed to get for a two-week-iversary? Doesn't matter as long as it makes his gift look like crap.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Quick announcement.
Whoever's driving the red Razor scooter, you're blocking the video-game truck.
Now please put your sticky little hands together for the vocal stylings of Sunshine Stephanie.
Vegetables are our friends, num-num We eat them every day You might think that's dumb, dumb, dumb But it's better than eating hay, neigh I like potatoes, I like peas I like carrots cause they help me sees - Boo! - Boo! Vegetables are our friends, num-num We eat them every day You might think that's dumb, dumb, dumb, but it keeps the blues away I think you're dumb, dumb, dumb.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, Mikey, that's not very nice.
I, I like potatoes, I like beets I like corn 'cause it's better than meats Hey, lady, do you like lettuce? [SCREAMS AND SQUAWKS] Okay! Ow! Hey! That's it! I know where you live, Mikey.
I know where you go to school, and I'm not afraid to find you.
I know the timing's not perfect, but here's the bill.
Doo-doo-doo-doo Hey, Deej.
I got your text.
What's up? Yeah.
Steve, I wanted to talk to you about our two-week-iversary.
I'm sorry, but I racked my brain, and all I could think to get you was a sandwich.
Hey, that's okay.
Bring it in, boys.
Big sandwich! A 14-foot party sub! One foot for every day we've been dating.
Come here, beautiful.
Come on, boys; let's get this cut up in the kitchen.
Wow, take a picture.
She could be a centerfold in Sandwich Magazine.
I read it for the articles.
This is amazing.
This is horrible.
- Wait.
It is? - Yes.
She is topping you with toppings.
She is relishing in your defeat.
I could go on with the sandwich metaphors, but lettuce stop, so you can ketchup.
Everyone knows a 14-foot party sub trumps flowers and some boring big bear.
You cannot let her win.
Why does this matter to you so much? Because I am living vicariously through Steve and DJ, or as I call you: Steejay.
Did you get into another fight at Souplantation? I wish.
I bombed at that kids' party.
I'm still picking cabbage out of my bra.
Kind of sounds like the date you had with that guy from FarmersOnly.
I don't know what happened.
I didn't connect with those kids at all.
- In fact, I completely lost my temper.
- I wouldn't worry.
It doesn't necessarily mean you're gonna be a terrible mom.
I'd never even thought about that.
Why would you put that in my head? Just because you made the birthday boy cry doesn't mean your own kid will hate you.
Kimmy, you're doing it again.
Oh, that is it.
No more kid parties for me.
No, you can't quit.
You're awesome.
Well, not with kids.
But we have another party tomorrow.
I'll never find a replacement this late.
Steph, you can't let one bad performance stop you from trying again.
Yeah, that would be dumb, dumb, dumb.
- How was hanging with the crew? - Sienna and her friends ghosted me.
They ghosted you? What does that mean? "Ghosted" means that they stood her up.
I don't get it.
Just when I thought I finally found a good group of friends.
I haven't had that since Lola move to Fresno.
Well, maybe it was an accident.
No, Lola moved on purpose.
I was talking about the ghosting.
Oh, that makes more sense.
I remember girls like Sienna when I was in high school.
They just treat you badly to make themselves look better.
I'm so sorry, honey.
You can hang out with us.
We are the coolest friend group in the house.
[ALL HOWL] Are you trying to make me feel worse? Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Hello? Whoa, a little bright.
Happy two-week-iversary.
We all know your favorite show.
Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles.
Okay, got some bad intel.
uh Hopefully your second favorite show is American Ninja Warrior! Yes, that's right.
It's up there.
Fuller, welcome to American Ninja Warrior: Two-week-iversary Edition.
[MUSICAL FANFARE PLAYS] Come on, Mom! Oh, my ninja.
I Here's your chance to see if you have what it takes.
You ready, Deej? I just crushed a 45-minute spin class, but sure.
Why not? You have 60 seconds to complete the course.
Let's do this.
- Go.
-[AIR HORN BLOWS] - Yeah! - Come on, Mom! [YELLS] D.
is San Francisco-based veterinarian and a mother of three.
Sorry, fellas, she's taken.
- Go, Mom! Yeah! - Yeah, go, Mom! Go, Deej.
-[BUZZER SOUNDS] - You did it! Can this suburban mom who has beaten all the odds to get here climb the cargo net and reach her beloved? You bet I can.
- Yeah, yeah! - Whoo-hoo! - Come on, Mom! - Look at her go.
She climbs like she's part spider, part climbing spider.
Yeah, Mom! - You can do it! - Yeah! Come here, beautiful.
-[HORN SOUNDS] - Yeah! You did it! La la, la la la la That cargo net is a lot harder than it looks.
That's not something I thought I'd say when I woke up this morning.
Stop bellyaching.
You have to out-gift Steve.
I've got three ideas.
All of them include a live giraffe.
[CELL PHONE RINGTONE] - Put a pin in that.
- You were the only one talking.
This is an important business call.
Hi, Silly Sally.
Yep, I need a replacement singer for this birthday party.
What? Give me one good reason why you and Goosey Lucy can't fill in? Oh, I'm very sorry for your loss.
Steph, I gotta have you play the next party.
I tried to replace you, but everyone's dead.
I can't go out there and get booed again.
Maybe Sunshine Stephanie didn't work, because that's not really who you are.
And kids can smell a phony a mile away.
Why can't I be more like Goosey Lucy? Oh, you might wanna sit down.
- Oh, hey, sweetie.
- They did it again.
Look at Sienna's Instagram.
They're all at Burt's Burgers without me.
They tagged me just to rub it in.
Oh, honey, kids can be so cruel.
There's something wrong with me.
Nobody wants to be my friend.
That's not true.
You have to remember Mom, I'm not in the mood for a pep talk right now.
I'm gonna sit in my room until the end of high school.
That's it.
I am going down there and giving those girls a good talking to.
No one hurts my Ramona.
Kimmy, no.
I don't think that's a good idea.
The last thing Ramona wants is for us to meddle in her social life.
Yeah, and those girls aren't gonna respond to somebody's mom.
I guess you're right.
There's a time to take action and a time to stay out.
And this is a time to take action.
Lady, who are you talking to? I'm responding to a previous Never mind.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the mean girls, or should I say, "mean ghouls"? Hilarious.
Ramona sent her mom to fight her battles.
How dare you come into my home, eat my tapas, and treat my daughter this way? Technically, we didn't eat your tapas.
We wanted to.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Ashamed, I say! You're right, Mrs.
We are so ashamed.
Ashamed, we say! - Aren't we, girls? - Oh, yes.
I am so glad you taught us this important life lesson.
I thought you'd hit me with sass and sarcasm.
Well, I'm glad I could teach you this lesson.
Oh, here.
Let me cover the tip.
That was pathetic.
Not as pathetic as you all are acting right now.
How many of Ramona's relatives are hiding in this restaurant? Do any of you have jobs? Well, see, kids' parties are kind of a seasonal business, so Why am I explaining myself to you? Yeah, why are you? Oh, Coco.
Sweet, delusional, hungry Coco.
You know what? Here.
Have some fries.
You guys deserve 'em.
Oh, Coco, you think Sienna's your best friend, right? But on Instagram, she posted that you were "B.
" Basic as baloney.
Oh, no, that's the worst kind of basic.
And, Sienna.
First, I'm not convinced you're not the school narc because I'm pretty sure we graduated together.
But even if you are who you say you are, these people don't hang with you because they like you.
They hang with you because they're afraid of you.
That's not true.
Right, guys? Well, so what? That's how high school is.
No, that's how you are.
You turned all these people against Ramona because you were afraid she was getting more popular than you are.
It's true.
I'm not threatened by Ramona.
I have everything she has.
Except a kind heart.
I wish my mom would handle business for me like that.
Oh, I'm not Ramona's mom.
Well, who's ever mom you are is one lucky kid.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh No, I'm okay.
That sounds super-fun.
Okay, can't wait to see you tomorrow.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] [DOOR OPENS] There's my baby girl.
I was gonna come in, give you a pep talk, but you seem sufficiently peppy.
Were you gonna tell me there's nothing wrong with me and none of this is my fault? Well, I was gonna sit down first.
But, yeah, that was the gist.
It's crazy.
Sienna and her friends are begging me to hang out with them.
I wonder if a wise person talked some sense into them.
I wouldn't know.
I wasn't there.
- So, where are you girls going? - Oh, nowhere with them.
It's not the circle I want to be in.
Good for you.
So, who were you just talking to on the phone? Oh, not that I was listening at the door with a cup.
I'm hanging with another girl from school - Ashlyn.
She's taking me to a rally against cruelty to animals.
Sort of weird considering she works at a burger shop.
- She's complicated.
- I'm so proud of you, honey.
- Post-talk selfie? - Mom.
[CLICKS] Yay, I'm one of the cool kids.
's going to be so jelly.
Hey, Fernando.
Is D.
here? I gotta talk to her about this two-week-iversary business.
- What did you get me into? - I got you into a deep, loving, fiercely competitive relationship.
You know what? Enough already.
Okay? Deej.
Have it your way.
You have failed the bro-fessor's course.
You can retake it next semester, okay? Steve, you have to get out.
I don't have your next gift.
Although I did put a bid down on a winery.
Deej, this whole two-week-iversary gift-giving thing -has gotten way out of hand.
- Oh, I am so glad you said that.
I was thinking the same thing.
I let Fernando get in my head.
Yeah, and I let Kimmy get in mine.
It was scary.
From now on, we celebrate our relationship the way we want, not the way other people want us to.
So we can agree that this whole gift-giving thing is over? Almost.
Actually, I did have one little thing that I had thought of before Fernando got this bigger-is-better business in my head.
What's this? It's the first note you ever passed me in high school.
Steve, that is so sweet.
How do you still have this? Some things are worth hanging on to.
And also, my mom's a hoarder.
"Steve, you have better hair than Joey Lawrence.
" "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves comes out on Friday.
Wanna go with me?" Aw.
What? A small gift cannot be more impactful than a big one.
Boo! I have a small gift for you.
I stand corrected.
La la la la la la la [CARLY RAE JEPSEN] One, two, three, four Oh [THEME SONG PLAYING] La la la la la la Ooh