Fuller House (2016) s04e05 Episode Script

No Escape

1 La, la la la la la Oh [CARLY RAE JEPSEN] Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV? Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart, a hand to hold on to Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face of somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there, and you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La la la la la la Oh Oh, I got your X-ray.
Hah.
That's sweet.
I look forward to seeing you, too, little bunny.
Ooh "little bunny"? It looks like somebody has a new girlfriend.
No, that was a client calling about their little bunny - Foo Foo.
Let me guess.
Little bunny Foo Foo got hurt Scooping up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head Okay.
Fine.
I started dating someone.
Oh, well, good for you, Big Bunny.
- I assume that's what she calls you.
- No.
It's Big Thumper.
- Well, I'd love to meet her.
- Hmm.
Hey, you know what? Uh Steve and I have two extra tickets for an escape room this afternoon.
Ooh, that would be great, but I'm afraid it might be a little awkward.
Why would it be awkward? I mean, you and I are in a good place.
And Steve really misses you.
I'm starting to think you're the real reason he moved back to San Francisco.
Yeah, he did send me that foot-shaped box of chocolates.
He usually only sends that on Valentine's Day.
How cute.
We got the same gift.
D.
J.
, there's something I should tell you about my date before She calls you Big Thumper.
I feel I already know too much.
Ooh That should be enough room for the Lamaze class.
I can't wait.
It's going to be lamazing.
No.
That's not gonna be a thing.
Really? 'Cause you'd be lamazed at what catches on.
Remember when I made up "cray cray"? Uh, Fernando? Why are you wearing scrubs? We're having a class.
No one's actually giving birth.
There are going to be seven pregnant women in this house.
I would not be so sure.
Fernando has a good point.
My motto is "always be prepared.
" Jimmy, honey, you keep your life savings in a tennis sock.
You scoff, but I'm the most popular boy at the local wishing well.
Oh, look, it's our little activist.
Oh, honey.
We are so proud of you for organizing your own rally.
Someone's got to step up and do it.
I'm just giving the people a voice.
To think, I gave a voice to the girl who's giving people a voice.
And if we're dolling out credit, half of the voice that you gave to the girl who is giving a voice came from my voice.
Suddenly, I want to watch The Voice.
So, what's this rally about again? Trying to get a student rep onto the school board.
Oh.
Why do we want to do that? So we can get new textbooks, updated technology, and a more diverse curriculum.
Sounds like a fancy way of saying "more school.
" Why are you even coming to this thing? Uh, I'm feeling the stirrings of activism.
You said it was so you could show off your football jersey in public.
Tommy! What did you do to my jersey? I drew in some fake blood and had Tommy roll around in the dirt so it looked like you actually played.
Oh.
Thanks, guys.
It looks fantastic.
Football.
I'll have the pants for you this afternoon.
No, Cosmo.
Still too clean.
Try the puddle in the backyard.
[WOOF] Oh, the escape room has a British mystery theme.
Hi there, gov'nor.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Going to Scotland Yard on the Chim Chim Chim-eree double-Decker? Wow, your Swedish accent has gotten really good.
Oh, it's British, but thank you.
Here's my Swedish accent.
[PARTIAL SWEDISH ACCENT] Would you like some Swedish meatballs from Ikea? See, I'm just hearing Jamaican.
- Buddy.
- Hey.
Back from Lakerland.
Did you show Coach Walton that scheme? You know, I did, but then I quickly learned that coaches don't love getting plays from the team podiatrist.
- Hey, where's Little Bunny? - Oh, she's a little late.
I see what you did there.
This guy.
D.
J.
, before she gets here, there's really something that Good afternoon.
I am your host: Lord Nigel Pennywhistle.
Welcome to my personal library.
Now see, his Swedish accent is nowhere near as good as mine.
Ahem.
Once the game begins, you will need to solve a series of puzzles to liberate you from this prison of knowledge.
When the raven crows, the door will be locked.
Cacaw.
Oh, wait.
His date's not here yet.
Hello Deej.
Gia? What are you doing here? Go away.
We're waiting for Matt - Oh.
You're Little Bunny.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and he's my Big Thumper.
That's so crazy you two guys got together.
What are the odds? They're pretty good.
There's only about a dozen straight guys in San Francisco.
And when a six-three, chiseled Adonis comes your way, you grab him, and you never let him go.
I tried to tell you D.
J.
You could've tried a little bit harder.
Ooh-ooh-ooh [CHUCKLES] Aw, congratulations on your new baby.
Thank you, but I'm not the father.
Yeah, he is my baby daddy.
Just not this baby's daddy.
The father is my brother.
So, actually, I'm the aunt.
Oh.
And I'm the brother who's also the father.
Wait.
Does that make me my own uncle? And I'm the mother, but no relation to the brother.
I mean, except, you know, we have relations.
Oh, yeah, we do.
I have a special place in my heart for surrogates.
Being the vessel for a life is the greatest gift.
And then once the baby is born, your journey is over.
Wait.
I don't want the journey to be over.
I like the journey.
I even like the band Journey.
I met them at the San Francisco Farmers Market.
Those dudes love kale.
"Don't Stop Believing.
" [GONG SOUNDS] Now it's time for lamazing Lamaz-ee.
See, I told you that'd catch on.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Ooh-ooh Okay, we need to find some clues, so let's start with the desk.
Or if we actually wanna solve this thing, let's start over here by the tiger head.
You don't just put a tiger head in a room for no reason.
I've had to escape a lot of rooms.
Oh, so you've done escape rooms before? No.
I briefly dated Charlie Sheen.
You I have an idea.
Let's split up.
Great.
I'll be with Matt.
Or, uh, we could give it a go.
We are so going to kick their butts.
We're actually supposed to be working together.
We're gonna kick their butts at that.
- [GASPS] Whoa.
- Oh! What is this thing? It's a cryptic cipher puzzle.
I don't know any of those words.
You don't know "puzzle"? I know "puzzle," but how do you know that other stuff? You know my love of National Treasure II.
It's the Godfather II of National Treasures.
You have to align the tumblers according to a certain code.
You know what? I'm gonna try my bike-lock combination.
And if it works, then we'll know these are the people that stole my bike.
Big, check this out.
- Oh, it's another clue.
- We are kicking your butts, Fuller.
How are they so good at this? I mean, Gia used to think Sherlock Holmes was a real-estate agency.
You've been out of sorts since Gia walked in.
Why do you let her get under your skin? She just gets on my nerves.
She annoys me.
She's like a pebble in my shoe.
Um, listen.
Do not diminish the effect of a pebble in a shoe.
Just saying.
I've seen a man die from that.
There were other complications.
He had also been hit by a car.
Hello.
This wise owl may have an answer.
Because where there's owls there's knowledge.
[CRACK] Yeah.
There's got to be a clue in here somewhere.
Wait.
Check it out.
I found a plaque with writing.
Oh.
What's it say? "Please don't touch the owl.
" One of the most important things you can do for an infant is swaddle.
[SNICKERS] Come on, use real words.
"Swaddle" is a real word.
It is how a confident duck walks.
I will use it in a sentence.
Scrooge McDuck swaddled into the bank.
Please continue.
Thank you.
Actually, "swaddling" is wrapping a baby so it feels warm and safe, as if in the womb.
Excuse me.
I didn't get a baby.
I'm sorry.
I only brought enough for each team.
Can you share? I don't like to share.
I don't even like Cher, and I met her at the Seattle Farmers Market.
Hmm how about you two give it a shot? Okay.
Don't worry, babe.
I'll show you how to do it.
Done.
Babe, how did you do that? Before I was an international photographer, I worked at Chipotle.
But it'll cost you extra if you want guacamole in here.
Aw.
We are gonna be amazing parents.
Five-second rule.
Still totally safe to eat.
Not, not that we're gonna do that.
Jackson, I guess you couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole rally.
I had important stuff to do.
You came home to watch reruns of Yes, Dear.
That's not why I came home.
It was just a happy accident.
Well, the rally was a huge success.
I was even interviewed by the press.
Give me that.
The fat guy from Yes, Dear was about to get yelled at by his wife.
Let's see.
Oh, here it is.
Look, there's the rally.
I'm Tom Johnson reporting from a rally where high-school students are trying to get heard.
We spoke with one of the key organizers.
Mm.
Here it comes.
I'm here with athlete-activist, Jackson Fuller.
What? This is unbelievable.
I know.
Tom Johnson used to anchor the news at five, six and 11.
Jackson, why is it important a student get a seat on the school board? [STAMMERS] To get new textbooks and a more diverse curriculum.
- Oh, and stick it to the man.
- Oh.
I hear you, brother.
That was local football star Jackson Fuller.
Truly a brave new voice for his generation.
Brave new voice.
That was my new voice.
I organized this rally.
And some jock who doesn't understand the issues takes all the credit.
You think I'm a jock? I can't even look at you right now.
Hippies.
Am I right? -[MAN GRUNTS] - Oh, you're so close.
- Jump higher.
- I'm trying.
We can get that for you.
They could be ice dancers.
Here you go, Deej.
Just a little present from the two of us.
Thanks.
Wow.
That is awesome.
Thanks, Gia.
You are killing it.
Then why don't you marry her? This is just gibberish.
What the heck does this mean? We can figure it out.
We are two doctors, after all.
Well Wait.
What do you mean, "well"? Well technically, I'm a doctor.
You're a podiatrist.
- Wait.
What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
No.
Not important.
Oh, look another clue.
Wait.
Hold on.
Are you saying I'm not a real doctor? I'll have you know that feet are the foundation of the whole body.
Yeah, of course.
You're a real doctor.
It's just, you only doctor from the ankle down.
You only work on pets.
The only people you treat are mobsters who've been shot in the leg.
That was once.
And Vinnie the Sandwich still owes me a favor, so you better watch it.
- Hey, are you two okay over there? - Yeah, we're fine.
- Kiss me.
- What? See? We're just working together.
Solving puzzles.
Kissing, just like you two.
Maybe we should work on our own for a while.
Whatever you say.
You're the podiatrist.
Everyone get comfortable and go to a peaceful place.
We're gonna visualize the birth of your child.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
I got it.
So, I'm splayed across the back seat of a rental car.
Contractions are coming quickly.
[SCREAMS] [HYPERVENTILATES] I meant a silent visualization.
There's nothing silent about a baby coming out sideways.
[HYPERVENTILATES] Where was I? Oh, right.
[SCREAMING] You did this to me! That's the woman I chose to carry my baby, guys.
Yeah.
Ooh - If you care, I found this.
- What is it? How should I know? I'm just a lowly country podiatrist.
You're the fancy big-city veterinarian.
- Hey, Little Bun.
- Yeah, Big Thump? Do you have that metal thing you found earlier? Oh.
Here.
It's a key.
- There's a keyhole in this machine.
- Okay.
Ha ha.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS] -[STEVE] Aha! You did it! -[GIA SQUEALS] Yay, we did it.
Go, team.
Congratulations are in order.
Everyone keep your eye on the raven.
Cacaw! Man, you'll never believe what your mom did with your placenta.
It's behind the ice-cube tray.
I won't make that mistake twice.
Oh.
And I'm not talking to you.
Are you still upset I was on the news? I can't help if the camera loves me.
I've got a reporter on the line from the San Francisco Chronicle.
He wants to talk to you about the rally.
Sure.
Anything to spread the news.
Not you, Erin Brockovich.
You.
Hello, this is athlete-activist Jackson Fuller.
Aha.
Uh give me a second.
He wants to know what I think about teacher salaries.
So, am I for or against? You tell me, brave new voice.
Help me out.
I'm not really a brave new voice.
I just play one on TV.
Fine.
You feel that teacher salaries should be raised.
They get better pay, we get better teachers.
I think they should be raised.
They get better pay, we get better teachers.
Aha.
They wanna know what I think about Prop 67.
It's important since it'll put money toward school infrastructure.
Got it.
Prop 67 is important because, well You know what? You should talk to the person who organized the rally.
Her name's Ramona Gibbler.
She's the real voice of our generation, and she deserves to be heard.
- Thanks.
- You earned it.
Hello? Yes, that Ramona Gibbler - the rental-car miracle baby.
But you know what? Let's talk about making our school system better.
Okay.
Let's move on to the mother-baby bonding after delivery.
Everyone, grab your dolls and put them on your chest.
I'll take that.
Hey.
I just birthed that thing.
Kimmy, it's my baby.
Give it.
- Give me the baby back.
- No.
- Kimmy.
- No, no.
It's - No.
- No.
- You will not.
Kimmy! - No.
Give it me back [GASPS] Kimmy, give me that baby! When that happens at Chipotle, they give you a free one.
- No! - Stop! Stop! Don't What is going on with you today? I could ask you the same question.
Could you? I'm not the one that re-enacted a childbirth and ran off with a fake baby.
Fine.
You really want to know what this is about? Yes.
Yes, I do.
That's why I chased you through the whole house.
I don't want my job to be over once the baby's born.
Once it gets here, everything's gonna go back to the way it used to be.
Oh.
I never thought about that.
Well, I think about it all the time.
Let's face it, you and I aren't gonna be close anymore.
I'll go back to being your big sister's annoying friend.
Kimmy, that's not true.
You've become a huge part of my life.
You're not just D.
J.
's annoying friend.
You're my annoying friend.
In fact, you might be my most annoying friend.
Aw, Steph, you mean it? Of course.
After this baby's born, I'm gonna need you more than ever.
- Promise? - I promise.
Thanks.
- Hey, did you just kick me? - Not this time.
- Oh, my gosh.
That was the baby.
- Your baby.
Kimmy Jr.
Wait, did you just say Kimmy Jr.
? Shh.
Ah-ah-ah-ah So you told him he wasn't a real doctor? Ah, yeah.
Not my finest moment.
But you say it all the time.
Well, yeah, but I'm not the one dating him.
Well, after today, I don't know if I am, either.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] It's always open.
Even for me? Oh, hey, it's real doctor Steve.
I'm gonna go be anywhere else.
Hey.
Steve, I'm so glad you're here.
I am so sorry that I said you weren't a real doctor.
I really could've used a podiatrist to take the foot out of my mouth.
That's more of an ear, nose, and throat thing, but I appreciate the sentiment.
Can I ask you something? Did it bother you to see Matt dating another woman? Oh, no.
Of course not.
That's in the past.
I mean, I want him to be happy and date other women, but Gia? Seriously? Sixth grade, crop-top-wearing, smoking-in-the-bathroom Gia? To be honest, they seem like a really good couple.
Yeah, I think that's what bothered me so much.
They've known each other for, like, a minute, and they worked so well together.
At solving puzzles.
That doesn't make them a better couple than we are.
Are you sure? Because they were really good at puzzles.
Deej, we have 25 years of history, you and me, okay? I know stuff about you nobody else knows.
Okay.
What's my favorite food? Meat loaf.
Okay, who's my secret musical crush? Also Meat Loaf.
You know what? You're right.
I mean, who cares if they're good at puzzles? - We're good at life.
- Yeah.
You know what else we are good at? I thought you were gonna say ripping heads off of owls.
Yeah, they are so making us pay for that.
Don't worry, Dr.
Hale.
I'm having Vinnie the Sandwich take care of that for us.
Ooh-hoo-hoo [CARLY RAE JEPSEN] One, two, three, four Oh [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] La la la la la la Oh